Fun & Slutty with Jonathan Van Ness (2025)

[bunniefuu]

Y'all.

I have been working for this moment.

It's been six years in the making,

but when I really think about it,

it's been 37 years in the making.

I've learned a lot, and I'm really excited

to share that with you guys.

Welcome to the stage,

Jonathan.

You guys

Look so beautiful tonight,

honey Austin, I'm so excited you're here.

Thank you so much for coming out.

Yes.

- Is there any q*eer millennials

that are out here tonight?

Yes. You know, so many of us,

our personalities are largely

based off of nineties films

with strong female leads,

which is why I'm so

similar to Elise Elliot.

She is the character

played by Miss Goldie Han

in First Wives Club.

Yes, it was my favorite

movie when I was little,

you know, I was six or seven.

And it taught me about, you know, suicide,

domestic violence,

and just generally women

doing it for themselves.

Such formative topics for me, you know,

much like Elisa's character.

I also get my best ideas

after having done cardio.

So it was early last year,

I had just finished up a little session

and this little voice in my head,

I don't know if it was like

Mother Nature or the Holy Spirit

or my mental health,

but the voice said, get your

phone and go to the mirror.

And next thing I knew, I

was like, you're a hot sl*t.

Yes, honey. Now if you don't follow

my Instagram, that must be really hard.

I, you know, my condolences

and sincerest apologies to you.

But I started doing this series on Mondays

and it was, you know, just like,

it was like a thing for me.

Like my followers loved

it and it, I loved it.

I just would do these little

affirmations on Mondays.

And I quickly realized in the comments,

there was a big discourse

around me using the word sl*t.

Some people in the words of

Miss Paris were sliving for sl*t.

Others were not sliving

for me using sl*t.

And I didn't understand why some

of these folks in the comments

were saying things like,

you know, I don't like sl*t.

Like, you should use a different word.

That's a derogatory word. I

don't like that f*cking word.

You shouldn't use that

word. I didn't get it.

Why don't these folks like sl*t,

why don't these people know

that slutty just means

to experience pleasure?

It doesn't have to be sexual pleasure.

It can be,

but it doesn't have to be

like, you could be slutty

for like volunteering

girls.

Get your f*cking heads

out of the gutters. Okay.

You know, I mean, it could be, you could,

you could be slutty for, for

gardening, for taking a walk.

It doesn't have to be slutty

for like eating vag*na

or sucking d*ck,

but it can, you know, it

just, it's a lot bigger than

what I think people realize.

And I didn't understand why

these people didn't know that.

So I racked my f*cking brain.

Why don't these people know?

And then I realized it's these

f*cking Republicans,

they've been trying to ban

sex education for years,

and now no one knows what slutty means.

But if they're gonna

ban sex education, honey,

I'm gonna bring it back.

Yes. So welcome to your h* show.

This is fun and slutty.

Yeah. Yes. Class.

I am your professor, Jonathan Van Nasty.

And I want you to think of this

as basically a sex ed class

for adults along with

some other lessons too.

That's what tonight's course

is gonna be on. All right.

Now there's only one

main rule for this class,

which is shame is to us

as J-Lo is to Mariah.

We've never met shame before.

We don't know who shame is.

We left our shame at the door

and tonight we get

to experience this class

in a shame free zone.

Everybody.

Yes sir.

You look so much like Steven Colbert.

I can't even hear myself

think Yes.

Are are you Steven Colbert?

Why are you, are you, have

people said that to you before?

A couple times. Yes. I

just wanted to make sure.

I was like, wow, I can't

believe he came to my special.

But I love doing your show.

You know, you're actually

one of my hall passes

with my husband, you know,

just, you know, it's, you know,

just, oh my God, honey, honey,

this is a really good crowd.

This is a really good crowd, you guys.

So that's what I'm saying.

This is a shame-free zone.

Now, is there any other educators

that are out here tonight?

Yes. Yes, yes.

How hard is our job?

Oh my God. These f*cking

students these days.

Oh my God, I'm so stressed out.

I think it's really important

as an educator to know

what you do not know.

And what I don't know

about you all tonight is,

what is the most sexual thing

you've ever done in your

entire f*cking life?

Now, I know I said that

there was only the one rule,

but if there's someone,

this is gonna be some crowd

participation.

Okay? So we're gonna do a

little bit of like open,

you know, classwork.

But if the person next to you

is screaming something like,

you know, I don't know, like, you know,

like the manager at my local

Taco Bell took me into the

bathroom and put hot sauce on

my toes and then ate it out

and then f*cked me in the a*s.

If someone is saying that

and you're saying like,

oh, I had a three-way once,

let the Taco Bell person,

like have their moment.

You know what I'm saying?

And I have to tell you, you

know, we have to remember

we were locked in our

houses away from each

other for a very long time.

We didn't ever know if we would get

to come into a room like this again

and like have a special, so, you know,

look at your neighbor,

open your mouth and spit.

Unless spit plays not your thing.

It's, it's not for everybody.

It, but, you know, I'm just saying like,

let's be vulnerable to the together.

Let's like go on this journey.

So come on, Austin,

what's the most sexual

thing that you've done?

Let me, let me, if you come on, it's like,

I'm like the Long Island medium.

It's, oh, yes, yes. You

there? What did you do?

You slept with two members

of a band on a tour bus.

Do I, can I ask a follow up? Yes.

Now, did they know about

each other on this tour bus

or were you just kind of

like clandestine, like

So they did know about you,

or they did, they were in the same band

together, these folks.

So you f*cked two members of

the same band on a tour bus

that is giving me courageous feminism,

f*cking exploratory p*ssy.

And I love it. Give it up for her Yes,

yes, yes.

Austin. That's nice.

What do, do you wanna

share with the class?

Ah, that's beautiful.

This gorgeous young woman told the class

that she once f*cked in a

forever 21 changing room.

Yes. You right there, honey.

What did you do?

Oh, have you ever seen that video of

that guy doing a standing

back tuck on his Porsche,

but then he goes through the windshield.

It was not a great video anyway. Yes sir.

Oh, I feel like this is gonna

be good.

Okay, I'm ready for it.

g*y, g*y ski weekend.

Oh my god. The crowd was like, ooh,

at the urinal

in the restroom class.

Ooh, yes. Water sports.

Then what happened?

Then you left.

Fast forward, he's on

a ski lift with the man

that he made eyes with in the urinal.

Honey, they're at the ski

lift, but it broke down.

Okay, wait, so wait. So they're

standing at the ski lifts.

I just need to make sure everyone knows

good story's too good.

So there're the ski lift and

like there's this moment.

'cause 'cause you were going up

and he was No, you were going up.

He was coming down. Yeah.

Then what? Yeah, the tree.

He's stuck in the, in the chairlift.

So he is gotta take a piss.

He's hanging off the top.

That is so hot. Then what happens?

So you're just shirtless

taking a piss off the ski lift.

You f*cking Mr. Clean looking a*s.

I love it with your f*cking

bald head just taking

a f*cking piss right there.

And then what happens, honey?

So he pissed down this

guy's throat from the lift

chair at g*y ski week.

Yes, girl. Yes, yes,

yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Now I have to tell you my piss story.

When I was 25,

I met this like gorgeous

muscular DJ in Los Angeles.

And we were, we, we used

to like hook up for

like a long time, right?

He was like my little, like

2:00 AM like, are you awake?

Type guy, right? So this one morning,

or it was like two in the morning,

I get over there and we f*cked.

And then afterwards, like, I

don't know what came over me,

but I was just like, I think I'm ready,

like to be pissed on.

Like, I had never done it before,

but I was like, let's go into your shower

and like, let's try it.

So we went into the shower

and I got on my knees

and he was like, so muscly

and like a big, like

super hero looking man.

He was so cute. His, I

should change his name,

but his, yeah, he had this, you

know, he had this cute name.

And so, you know, I was,

I was there on my knees

and it was a, and it was a curtain shower.

And that's important. It

comes into play in a minute.

So it was a curtain

shower. So I'm on my knees.

And the second that his

urine touched my chest,

I projectile vomited from the depths,

from the depths of like, not

my, like my like my like,

like my Mula bandha like way down here.

Like very, just like,

and then in his horror, he

tried to get out of the shower,

but he tripped and he pulled

the shower curtain down.

Now, just to give you another

thing, I, I wouldn't like,

I was kind of like, like that.

So I ended up throwing up

outside the shower, you know,

like, and then he tried to

get away from me, like tripped

and then like pulled the shower down

and then collapse into a

muscular pile of my vomit.

Does anyone else have a

did Austin before we clap

and get into our first official lesson?

'cause I gotta say give it up for him.

That was a great story. So you

ready for your first lesson?

Are you ready for your

first f*cking lesson?

I say hot, you say sl*t, hot sl*t.

Hot sl*t, social media.

Now you guys, I want

you to make some noise.

If you know the difference

between your FYP

and your explore page,

now make some noise.

If you don't know the f*cking

difference between your FYP

and your explore page, I'm always

so fascinated by the answer there.

And I have to say that

for a tech city, Austin,

I am shocked.

Okay? So your explore

page is the algorithm

that powers your Instagram.

Your FYP is the algorithm

that powers your TikTok, okay?

These algorithms are incredibly strong,

strong things.

They know you better than

you know your f*cking self.

The reason being is

that these algorithms are always watching

everything you do on social

media, it's watching.

If you consume a video until it's over,

it's gonna show you more stuff like that.

If you cruise through the

video real quick, honey,

it's not gonna show you

more stuff like that.

So it really curates as

much as it can curate

to keep you stuck there

for as long as possible.

Now, if you were to

look at my explore page,

you would see someone who evidently loves

hairdressing, okay?

There's a lot of hair

stuff, a lot of before and

after hair stuff.

There's a lot of figure

skating, there's a lot

of gymnastics, there's a lot

of fist fights.

When a fist fight comes

across my algorithm,

I cannot not watch it.

I'll have a fan come up to me

and they'll be like, oh my

God, I love you so much.

And they can like kind

of see what I'm watching

and it's just like a brutal fist fight.

And I'm like, sure, yeah, let's do it.

Or I'll be like, oh my God, look,

so this lady right here

came in on this lady who,

I don't know what happened,

but they are gonna beat each

other's asses right now.

It is not just people fighting,

it's also people falling

the drunk people getting hurt,

the kids getting hurt pages

so hilarious, so heartwarming.

It's just so f*cking good, you know?

And, and then also obviously

hot gays and hot theys.

That, that's really what's

over there on my Instagram.

Now the Venn diagram, the overlap of

what both apps show me is

pretty narrow actually.

It's hairdressing and hot gays

and theys. That's the overlap.

Otherwise, my TikTok is so different.

My TikTok is very much muck bangs.

That's people eating

various foods right now.

It's a lot of frozen silky

gem candies, seafood boils

and balut.

And it, yes, it's gorgeous,

honey, I'm obsessed with it.

I wanna make that little f*cking

salt, pepper, lime juice,

chili f*cking sauce

to put in my f*cking

fertilized f*cking eggs.

And I'm gonna f*cking

eat like five of them.

I'm so f*cking, I'm so balut curious.

I, I f*cking love balut. I want

to try. I've never tried it.

I, but I'm pretty sure I love it

because that little sauce looks delicious.

That's that. And oh, also

my TikTok, the North Sea.

That North Sea is so busy,

it has it's teaming with life.

The North Sea. There's

so much going on there,

so much going on there in the North Sea.

Now I'll tell you that my

TikTok also has something

even scarier.

I don't know if you've ever

ended up on the wrong side

of TikTok, but the first time

it happened to me, honey,

I was minding my own business.

And I was like, why is Kid

Rock on my algorithm right now?

What is he doing on my TikTok? If I

can see him,

Can he see me?

I was so f*cking scared, you guys.

So many anti-trans Republican turf a*s

people on my TikTok.

Now, last year I did an episode

of my podcast about trad wives.

If you don't know what trad wives are,

they are these like anti-vax evangelical.

I don't want to have a checkbook.

Everything was great in the 1940s.

And you know, it was probably

even great before that too.

Like way before that,

like watching their content is

like watching a f*cking train

crash, fist fight in real life.

You can't not finish it.

So then a few months later

I do an episode about

g*y Republicans.

Now my TikTok thinks I

am a f*cking Republican.

So I am seeing all this alt right f*cking

anti-trans Republican sh*t so often.

And when I see it, I can't turn it off.

I have to see what they say.

I wanna know what they're

talking about over there.

My algorithm has never f*cking recovered.

But this is what I've learned

about the anti-trans people

who I have seen on my TikTok.

Now you go on a date with a Democrat

to a community theater

production of Beetlejuice,

which is how Julia Roberts character

and my best friend's wedding

would say, Beetlejuice.

And you rubbed your elbows on his p*nis.

You vaped next to a pregnant woman

and made out with this

man at a community theater

production of Beetlejuice.

And I am the threat to society.

I just don't f*cking get it.

I just don't get it. Lauren.

Now, and whether you're Lauren

or you know, Pierce Morgan, you know,

'cause there's like the

anti-trans transatlantic folks.

You got your jks, your Pierce Morgans,

or whether you're on the American side

and you're like I said, you

know, Beetlejuice Bobert

or Marjorie Taylor or Matt Gaetz,

or I mean so many,

but here's what I've noticed about them.

That's all very similar.

They love gender affirming

care for themselves. Love it.

And my theory here is, is

that these anti-trans people

are coming from a place

of scarcity, a deep place of scarcity.

They're afraid that if

trans people can get access

to the healthcare that they need,

then there's not gonna be enough hormones

and, you know, fillers and

implants and hair plugs

and veneers for everyone.

And, and I just wanna let them

know that if there's anything

that we've learned about

the American medical system,

they're gonna take your money.

They're gonna find a

way to take your money.

So don't be afraid. Eric and

Kimberly, don't be afraid.

You can get your veneers

and your implants redone fat

transfer Brazilian butt lift

whatever you want, girl.

Calm down. Calm down.

The other thing I've noticed

about anti-trans people is

they tend to look like sh*t.

And I think the reason they

do tend to look like sh*t is

because when you talk,

when you talk sh*t about

that many q*eer people, we don't want

to be on your glam team.

You know? And then you look

like you're stuck in a perpetual

outlet Kohl's ad,

very generic, very, no one wanted

to buy you in the regular store.

That must be really hard. You know?

So that's, that's what I've

noticed about those folks.

The other thing that I've

noticed about Republicans

specifically, like, you

know, so the American side,

they have co-opted the idea

of patriotism in this country.

They have said that they're

the only f*cking Patriots,

and I've got news for them.

I'm a f*cking patriot,

you guys. I'm a patriot.

Picture it. I'm Georgina

Washington taking our troops

across the Delaware.

I'm a f*cking patriot damnit.

And if I wasn't a patriot,

would I be willing

to suck Mitt Romney's d*ck

right here and right now?

Now, if there's any Republicans

out there tonight for some

f*cking reason or watching at

home, I

know what you're thinking.

Well, Mitt Romney, that's a f*cking rhino

Who wouldn't suck f*cking

Mitt Romney's d*ck.

You don't know what a rhino is.

That's a Republican in

name only mean He voted

to take Trump out of f*cking

office, anybody would

suck his f*cking d*ck.

Oh really?

Well, first of all, ever

since 2002 Salt Lake games,

when he stood out into that f*cking arena

and those shoulder pads

and that black box die,

it's beautiful.

Mitt is stunning. And he always has been.

But it's not only him. Now,

before I say this joke,

I want to say this.

Do you remember at the

beginning of class when I said

that this was a shame-free zone?

So I want to say that, okay,

that one eyed w*r veteran Dan Crenshaw,

that f*cking hair, that f*cking eye patch.

Oh, those hands, oh f*ck.

I have this fantasy with him, honey,

where we have made the

most like stunning love.

And he's like, no, no, like,

I want you to come first.

And I'm like, oh my God. Okay.

And then he is like,

come in my eye socket.

And I am like, Dan, is that safe?

We have to protect the

veterans of this country.

I'm a f*cking patriot. Okay?

Now I know you wish that that

joke was over, but it's not.

It's not. It's just getting started.

Now, I should also say

before I say this person,

that I have this incredible ability.

It's, it's the last

vestige of the patriarchy

that lives within me.

And it's this uncanny

ability for me to be able

to divorce someone's

personality completely from

their physical form.

It's very manlike of me.

It's the only real manlike thing I can do.

I just, I just can, I just, I just

so please remember that

when I, when I tell you

who I'm also physically attracted

to in the Republican party, okay?

And I'd also like to say,

you know, this person likes

to talk a lot about biology.

And I would just like to say

that, let's talk about biology

because I'm biologically

attracted to your form.

Okay?

Senator Josh Hawley.

I shut up, shut up.

Shut your g*y mouth. Let me explain.

I said, I don't like his policy.

It's a purely physical thing.

And this is what I, this is what I, I've,

I said I've spent a lot of

time on therapy in this,

you guys, I spent a lot of time,

and this is what I think it is.

It's the receding hairline

to Adam's apple ratio.

And I see a lot of our women being like,

it's gotten me a few times, you know,

but just stick with me.

I, I have this fantasy.

It's, it's Handmaid's tale,

but I am, I'm the lady in red.

I'm the, I'm the lady, I'm

the red lady. Just picture it.

I'm like, this

actually, no, I don't

wanna smash my curls.

So it's like,

No, it's, it's kinda like,

And then I'm like, Mitt,

flood my guts.

Yeah, flood 'em just full f*cking

hurricane in there, you know?

And then Josh comes

around to take his turn

and he floods my guts.

Oh, and also, I should just say, I know

that consent is not a big

deal to so many Republicans,

but to me it is.

So I would only let them flood

my guts if they really wanted

to, you know, like, it's

only like if they wanted to,

you know, I'm like, not

making anybody flood my

f*cking guts, you know?

But then afterwards I say,

Senator Hawley, get on the ground

because the bed's too squishy.

I'm sorry. Made, made such deep

and unrelenting eye contact

with you as I said that.

I'm so sorry. And then what I would do

with his Adam's apple is I would just sit

right over his face.

Just right.

You know how like the ISS

like the International Space

Station when like a shuttle docks with it

and it's like, it's like,

no, it'd be more like, no,

it'd be more like,

I would just like let my whole,

and I would take these,

these pesky heels off.

I would take these heels

off, so I would be flat

and I would just sit right over

his face like this, just so

that his adams apple

could just really tease

my hole, you know?

And, and I would just,

and then I would just kind

of go like this, and then

I would go like, like that.

And I would just go all around on it.

And I, Senator,

I'd be like, Senator, do you

support the equality act now?

Yeah. You guys fantasies are healthy.

It's good to have healthy

fantasies. It's good.

So look, social media,

you might run into a Republican on there.

It can be scary, but social

media is not all bad.

I did meet my husband,

stiff ginger d*ck on there.

Yes. So you might find a Republican,

you might find a husband,

you just don't know.

Hopefully not a Republican husband.

Are you ready for our next

lesson? Yes. Okay. Okay.

This one's really good. It's kind of deep.

It's really deep actually. Harm reduction.

Wow. Austin harm reduction.

Now I learned about

harm reduction in rehab

where I spent my 24th and 25th birthdays.

Now, not in succession

because I wasn't made of money,

you know, I did six weeks,

got way more f*cked up,

got a couple more drugs

that I got a little bit more into.

And then I went back, I said, it's time

to take myself back to rehab.

So I went back to rehab.

Now, the rehabs that I went

to were those kinds of places

where there's like, you have

to be all the way sober.

Like sober.

We're not, we're not California

sober, we're not, you know,

we're not, there's no weed,

there's no f*cking alcohol.

It's like there's, you have cigarettes

and coffee and that's it.

Okay? Now I'm non-binary.

And as a non-binary person,

anytime someone tells me

that there is like one

or two ways that you can do something,

I'm just immediately leery.

I just, I don't wanna do that.

I want to find kind of my own f*cking way.

So, you know,

'cause when I went to

rehab, meth was going

to f*cking k*ll me.

Weed. That sh*t wasn't gonna k*ll me.

Weed wasn't gonna k*ll me.

The meth that was gonna k*ll me, the weed

that wasn't gonna k*ll me.

So that's harm reduction

basically, in a, in a nutshell,

okay, that's harm reduction.

But that's not all I

learned about in rehab.

I learned, you know, 'cause

you gotta like do group

therapy in front of people.

You gotta like bare your f*cking soul,

your deepest traumas in

front of like, strangers.

So I learned how to be honest in front

of people I've never met before.

I learned how to like, hold

space for people's pain

and like, really, listen,

I learned about breakfast.

You know, when you're doing a lot of meth,

you don't eat very much breakfast.

And once I did start eating

breakfast, I thought, wow,

I feel so much better.

It really is the most

important meal of the day.

No, what I, what I really learned in rehab

and what really changed my

life was they taught us how

to ask for help, but they

taught us in the most

f*cked up way.

So if you can imagine, I've been up

for like three days, okay?

It's not a pretty place

when you've been up on meth

for three days, the voice in

my head had become a Russian

journalist's voice.

There was narrating

every move I made in this

like, weird Russian accent.

Now I know that you wish

that I could do that accent.

I cannot. It's only something I can

really think of in my head.

And, and every time I try to

do it just lets people down.

So I'm not going to, now

this is my f*cking special.

So I'm not gonna, I'm

not gonna workshop the

Russian accent anymore.

I've been trying it in like

six countries, over 70 shows,

and I haven't figured it out yet.

But, but this Russian

accent's voice was very strong

and I was very scared.

And you know, I, I went to

rehab in rural Tennessee,

and literally when I got

there, they were like,

Hey, don't be afraid.

But there was like an ongoing

scabies outbreak here.

And I was like,

and you know, you have

to do all these tests

and you do physicals and

they test you for everything

and they, you know, make sure

that you're like, you know,

healthy enough to like be there.

And I go back to the cabin and

it sounds like a summer camp,

but really it, like, there

was like five cabins.

And I went back to my

cabin, I went to sleep,

and then I wake up the

next day, which, you know,

I got a good 15, 20 minutes of sleep.

It was, you know,

there was just enough

meth still in my system

to just keep me absolutely just,

you remember what was the

sister's name in Rugrats

that had like the really crazy hair?

Like, what was it again? Cynthia?

Yeah, I looked like Cynthia.

I was like Cynthia after a meth relapse.

And it was just, you know,

but a grownup Cynthia, who was like 25

and just hopelessly addicted to meth.

And so, you know, the first

morning they wake us up

and they're like, all right, so, you know,

today we're gonna have all

of you guys come outside

and we're gonna blindfold all of you,

and we're gonna have you put

your arms out on the person's

shoulders in front of you in the line,

and we're gonna walk you out

to a maze, a a rope maze.

We're gonna walk you out to a rope maze.

And I was like, come

again, a blindfolded maze.

And they were like, you'll

have an hour once you get there

to get out of the maze before it blows up.

And so I just

said, I miss my mom.

And they're like, no, no,

no, we're just kidding.

It's not gonna blow up.

It's not blowing up.

Like we just said that to be funny.

And I was like, that's not funny.

I'm still too sleep

deprived and high for that.

And I was like, can you know?

I was like, can I sit this out?

And they were like, no, you

know, your physicals were fine.

You're, you know, you're

gonna have to do it.

And so I was like, f*ck me. So,

oh, and then they were like,

and the only rule is that

you can only whisper.

Like, you can't like talk out loud,

like you can only whisper.

And so I was like this, I

would rather f*cking eat sh*t

and die twice than do this.

But they take us outside,

they put us in the

blindfolds, they line us up.

We're walking through this

f*cking Tennessee f*cking field

to go do this rope maze

blindfolded challenge.

And halfway over there, my

internal, like Michelle Kwan,

like my internal like competitive

drive, just like turns on.

And I'm just like, I'm

gonna show these other

f*cking campers.

I'm gonna show these other addicts.

They've never f*cking seen a tweaker.

Get out of a blindfolded

rope maze this f*cking fast.

So when we got over to the maze

and you could like drop

your arms, I was like,

yeah, I was so f*cking ready.

So like, 3, 2, 1, go.

So I just get in this rope maze

and I'm, Nope,

nope, you guys,

as the minutes go by, I hear like less

and less feet shuffling around.

Less and less, less

and less, less and less feet.

So in my head I'm like,

all right, it's cool.

Like, I'm not gonna be on the podium.

Like, like I'm not gonna be

top three in this competition,

but I could still get top 10, you know?

So I'm hustling and hustling.

I cannot find a f*cking

way out of this maze.

And I'm freaking out.

And the, I always wanna say

camp counselor at this point,

but he's like the therapist

who was like running

like the show that day.

He was like, you know, I hear him,

he's like three minutes left.

And I'm frantic.

Like I hear, I feel like I'm

the only steps at this point.

Like I don't hear anybody else's steps.

And I'm like, I can't

be the only one who's

left in this maze.

And there was like 50

people in my rehab, okay?

Like, there's, so I'm, I'm sensing

that I'm the only one in the maze.

And so then he is like 3, 2, 1.

I stand up, I rip off my f*cking blindfold

and I look up, there's 50 people,

I guess 49 excluding me,

just staring at my frazzled

a*s, sweating, crying.

I definitely was like talking to myself.

I was like asking the Russian

voice to please be quiet

and leave me alone.

The, the voice was like, oh my god,

Vladimir doesn't like losers

and like, you're gonna

f*cking, you know, like, no,

I was so scared.

And so then I, I stopped

and I turn around and I look at this maze.

There's no, there's no

way out of this maze

there, there's no way out of this maze.

And that f*cking camp

counselor walked up to me

and he was like,

this maze is a metaphor

for addiction.

There is no way out

unless you raise your hand

and ask for help.

What the f*ck for these prices

crashing off meth

Blindfolded.

You could have just said,

it's very important to ask

for help to quit doing meth

Tennessee scabies outbreak.

Okay? Only way is to

raise your f*cking hand.

f*ck you.

Harm reduction doesn't

only stop with drugs,

it also applies to sex.

Now in my twenties, my

formative years, my teens,

my twenties, if someone sent

me a d*ck pic from like,

you know, via like a homing pigeon

or like the Pony Express,

it's actually much worse

than both of those things.

It was through an email from someone

that I'd met on an AOL

g*y twenties chat room.

You remember, you were there.

See, when you're a young

q*eer person in a rural place,

getting d*ck is a full f*cking time job.

All right? First of all,

this is in the PG era,

which is pre grinder.

We only had g*y.com

and where I come from, there was four

of us in a 300 mile radius.

If you did meet someone

whose d*ck, you could suck.

You would have to print off the directions

off of something called you

remember 3, 2, 1, MapQuest

MapQuest to find your d*ck

appointment.

Which is why when these gen Zers have

the audacity to make

fun of our skinny jeans

and our side parts, I say,

you have no idea what

we f*cking went through.

You have no f*cking idea. You rude a*s

f*cking MapQuest.

Now, I mean what I say,

unless you are a Gen Zer

who is here tonight

Hello? Yes, thank you.

If you are a Gen Z person who's

here, thank you. I love you.

I did not mean that when I said

that about you guys 'cause

you guys have a clue.

So I just wanna say that I love you and

'cause you're so important

to the future of this country

and the future of my career.

So I just wanna say thank

you for coming tonight.

Thank you for watching Gen Z.

If you are a thank you,

thank you, thank you. Yes.

But for most of you on

TikTok, I just wanna say that

you could just realize where,

you know, we went through it.

The thing is, is that

because I didn't have good sex education,

when I would get one of these d*ck pics

and someone would show interest

in me, my first instinct was

to just have them come inside me.

You know? And then I got HIV. Wow.

I haven't felt the air

leave a room like that

since I was in Sydney,

Australia, in front of a crowd

of 3000 people.

At my last hour, my last

little show that I did,

I had this joke, it was like 2022.

And I had this joke where

I said, I'm HIV positive.

This was my second pandemic.

And much like that eerie quiet

that descended over the room just a moment

ago, that's what happened.

But it was much worse 'cause

there was 3000 people there

and you really could

just hear a pin drop just

and see, when you try a joke

and it bombs in front of

that many people, you have

to think on your feet.

So you know what I did?

I said, Hey, I'm sorry,

did you not understand me?

I said, I'm HIV positive.

This was my second pandemic.

And then I went, gimme a

H, H gimme an I,

I gimme a V,

V.

What's that spell HIV.

We proceeded to chant

HIV HIV

for a good three or four rounds

before I looked out at the crowd

and I said, what the

f*ck's wrong with you?

And more importantly,

what's wrong with me?

So yeah, whenever I tell

that story about, you know,

contracting, HIV like to do

that little Sydney story so

that you guys have permission to laugh

because that's what comedy is.

It's making jokes of things that would

otherwise make you f*cking cry.

Yes, that's what it's for you guys.

That's what it's for.

Here's the other lesson I would

say that I'd like to talk about.

I frequently get asked

like how do you stay

so positive in the face of

so much antiqueer legislation,

just antiqueer sentiment.

Like how do you stay positive?

Well, the answer's always the same.

And it comes from this

place within me that is so

full of hope but anger at the same time.

And you know, it's three words

and it's grand theft auto.

You know, when I feel hopeless,

when I feel angry at the world

around me, I don't get angry.

I get on GTA.

Okay, I know what your thinking.

You didn't know that

non-binary people play GTA.

Well we do, unlike our

cisgender counterparts,

we don't assume the gender of

someone before we m*rder them.

That's the biggest difference.

We just k*ll everybody.

We don't stop to think about

who you are, where you're from.

We just mow you all down

because that's what you're

supposed to do on GTA.

Now, I should also tell you

that as a former sex worker,

this bit feels very therapeutic for me.

I just want you to remember that.

So this is how I approach

my strategy on GTA.

first thing I'm gonna do

is I'm gonna steal a car.

Then what I would do is I would go

and I would run over as many

sex workers as possible.

You may think that's cruel,

but the reason that I did that is

because sex workers have a lot more cash

than their civilian

pedestrian counterparts.

And I needed more cash

to get better weapons,

to k*ll more cops.

Yes. Now if you are

like a Blue Lives Matter

person, and you are very, if that, if

that joke brought up some

complicated feelings for you,

I just want to say I did

not invent the rules of GTA,

don't hate the player hate the game.

Okay? I did not invent

it. I didn't invent it.

Now for the uninformed, GTA

is based off of Los Angeles

and it's in this fictionalized version

of Los Angeles called Los Santos.

And it really is just so fun.

And I, and I was targeting this

sex workers, I'll be honest,

until my girlfriend

said, leave them alone.

Let them thrive. Let

them build their business

because the real money is in the missions.

You guys, the missions honey.

So then I started like

I never was like reading

what the game was saying

in those little boxes.

I didn't understand.

Once I started doing the boxes, honey,

it like had me open up this weed farm

and I started getting

money hand over fist honey.

Like I was making so much

money off this weed farm.

Then I opened like a dance

club, like a nightclub.

And I took really good care of mine.

Like it was five stars on

Yelp line around the block.

Like I was making so much

money. Like I had a great dj.

It was like people loved

my f*cking club on GTA,

it was the place to be.

Then I was like, well how

can I get more money honey,

because this tank, there's this tank

that it's undetectable on the radar.

Now I don't like it that, you know,

they're co-opting undetectable.

I feel like that's my thing. But you know,

but that's, you know, but that's okay.

You know, they can do it on the gaming.

So, so there's this, there's this tank.

It's undetectable on the radar.

So if you're playing like public GTA,

you can just like f*cking

like, and there's someone

that you can tell you don't

like their screen name.

It's like f*cking MAGA 24 or whatever.

You just f*cking like, you can stalk them

and your little tank that's undetectable

and you just f*cking k*ll

them over and over and over.

You just mercilessly hunt

them down until they leave

that public room.

You chase 'em out of there,

you chase 'em outta Los Santos.

So then I did my cocaine operation

'cause I really needed like

the better version of that tank

that's a little bit bigger.

Then it had me do an acid lab.

And I will say that acid, this one time,

it really helped me with my PTSD.

So I was just like, okay, like

let's help the cocaine addicts

that you're stringing out

with your cocaine thing with the acid lab.

This is great. You're balancing the world.

This is like really

good. You're doing good.

You're leaving Los Santos

better than you found it

until the game one day

said open up a meth lab

trigger.

All of a sudden it was major trigger city.

You know, I grew up getting exposed

to this like ultra ultra evangelical woman

and she was always

talking about the enemy.

And she would listen to Joyce Meyer,

this fierce little short, pixie haired,

redheaded f*cking televangelist.

And she would wear these knee pads

and she would just like wash

the f*cking floor at the church

listening to f*cking Joyce Meyer.

And she would tell me, she'd

say, the enemy will come

for you in so many ways.

And when I saw that meth message

on that TV screen, I said,

so I had to say goodbye

GTA, I left it in the past,

it was too dark, it was too triggering.

And I said, hello Fortnite.

It's a much brighter, more

bright murderous game.

I do regret to inform you true story.

Three weeks ago I got

home from brunch at noon

and then when I looked at my

phone again it was 8:30

I, I played Fortnite for eight hours.

I can't believe I didn't get bed sores.

So I'm working on that in therapy.

Next, I will let you know at

our next class how that goes.

It's, you know, work in progress.

Progress, not perfection.

That's what they say. Yes, yes, yes.

But if you are feeling like

rageful angry, you know,

you wanna just f*cking go off

on someone, don't get angry.

Get the GTA. It will help. It

will help. Take that with you.

For what it's worth. Our next lesson,

I know I said it's like about

joy and it's about sexuality,

but I look like this.

And I live in Texas.

Alright? I live in Texas.

I live in Texas. It's cute,

we love Texas in so many ways,

but it's also kinda scary.

So what I do is I listen to a lot

of true crime podcasts.

My favorite is morbid.

It's so good you guys.

It's such a good f*cking podcast.

My theory on True Crime

podcasts is, is that if I listen

to everyone I can get my f*cking hands on,

then no one's gonna be able to m*rder me

because I'm gonna see their

f*cking shenanigans from

a mile away.

I've seen all this sh*t before.

I know what to do, I know what to do.

So it's helping me know

how to keep myself safe.

It's also making me very hypervigilant.

Very hypervigilant.

Okay, prior to moving to Texas,

I've always been very anti-g*n.

And I still am anti-g*n.

Yes, but I'm scared, honey.

I mean, my neighbor two doors down,

just put up a f*cking Ted Cruz sign.

Ah. So sometimes even though

I am anti-g*n, I do wish

that I was a g*n.

Like I wish I could just

chit just ch ch just stop it,

you know, g*n heel, you know, like,

ooh, ooh, no, like a fem bot.

Stay away. No.

'cause I would be such a

responsible g*n owner if

they were in my breasts.

Like I would just only take it

out if I really felt scared.

Now I'd be responsible about it.

But my husband's British

and he really does not

understand our g*n culture.

Like we are not a g*n house.

We're not gonna have g*ns.

We can't have g*ns. 'cause

my f*cking husband, if for up

to me, I'd be in like

the pink rainbow f*cking

g*n club right now.

Okay? But I'm not because

my husband won't let me.

So that leads us to the morbid.

They told me about this man on

the podcast called Pure Power

3 1 4.

I think I should really look.

It's pure power something.

You'll find him. He's an ex-cop

who lives in Florida, who is

so in my arousal template, he's like 55.

He's like addicted to bronzer

and he kind of looks like a bald,

more muscular Paul Hollywood from Bakeoff.

But again, just like so much bronzer,

like these piercing blue eyes.

And, but that's not,

'cause I'm pretty sure

he is a Trump supporter,

but obviously, you know that that's not

a deal breaker for me.

Like physically, you know, from before.

But what really made me fall

head over heels butt crazy in

love with this man is

that he's open about his

ozempic journey.

Like every third video is

about like his ozempic.

And I'm just like,

that's so sweet.

I just love like a big

ex cop who's like, yeah,

I'm on Ozempic.

I didn't think that that was

gonna be like a series on his

TikTok that would work so well.

But it, it really does.

But anyway, pure power 3 1 4 honey,

he's really pro taser.

He's like, if you're not

into g*ns, like get tasers.

So now I have tasers all

over the f*cking house,

every room, the garage, my

car, my bedroom, my salon room,

my content capture room.

I have f*cking tasers everywhere.

And you would never know

that they're tasers.

I have, I have tasers

that look like iPhones.

I have a taser that

looks like a flashlight.

It's kind of this size, but

it looks like a flashlight.

But it's incredible

'cause I can go like this

and it like becomes four feet long

so you can keep the perp

like four feet away.

And actually I'm pretty sure

this taser could k*ll like a

cow, a moose, a large

deer, potentially a person.

Like, I don't, I don't

know how legal it is.

It like, it came from like

this place, from this person

who knows someone who knows someone.

It's like, it's like a k*ll you taser.

And I, I love it though.

'cause I just, it's in my house

and I can just get a f*cking away from

me, you know?

Really like tasers.

But we keep a few in our bedside table

and my husband is kind of,

you know, he's British.

Like I said, like they like to play

with your hole in the middle

of the night sometimes.

Like, I don't, you know,

I didn't make the rules.

Like he just, he like,

because it is not like, it's

like very like consensual.

It's very like, beautiful.

But sometimes I'm just like,

my God, someone playing

with my hole, you know?

And so, and he likes toys.

Like he likes the little toys.

He's like into like toys in my hole.

And you know, it's, I get it.

Like my hole's like really pretty.

It's like, he's like just,

it's, I I I just have one

of those holes that's just like, put a,

put something in there, you know?

That's what my hole says. You know?

It's just like, it's like,

it's like, it's like, you know,

it's like, it's like, like put

something in here, you know?

Yeah. It's almost like an

Enya song, you know, put,

you know.

But I'm so scared

because if he, if like one wrong move,

if he just takes his finger

to the wrong thing in there,

I just feel like I, I could just,

don't tase my hole babe.

Don't tase my hole.

Don't tase my hole. Don't do it.

Don't tase my hole. No,

but that's the thing that

the True Crime podcast,

they are making me really

hypervigilant you guys.

We, we have five cats

and we have three dogs

and they, they make a lot

of noise at night, you know,

they're f*cking animals.

And every time if I hear anything,

I'm a very light sleeper.

If I hear anything, I'm just

violently shaking my husband awake.

Wake up, wake up, they're

f*cking here. It's go time.

I get the taser, wake the

f*ck up, mark. They're here.

It's go time. No, I'll stay

in here with the animals.

You go see who it is.

I'm like, f*cking Jody

Foster in panic room.

No, but it's scary because

when you've listened

to enough True crime podcasts, you realize

the call is usually coming from

inside the house.

My sweet British husband, he kind

of looks like he kinda looks

like f*cking Prince Harry.

You know that feeling when

you're trying to go to sleep,

but someone's like watching you.

So my husband will just be,

and I'll just be thinking

about these f*cking episodes

of True Crime podcasts

where some f*cking piece

of sh*t husband m*rder*d his f*cking wife.

And I will just be staring

at my husband like,

are you gonna k*ll

Me?

f*ck.

He wakes up.

Oh my gosh, what

what? you guys

He's not gonna k*ll me.

Mostly because, well, to be honest,

when you're living with HIV,

you can't have a life insurance

policy taken out on you.

So if he murders me, how's he

gonna maintain this lifestyle?

Not very well, honey.

Yeah. I mean, it's crazy

'cause when you think about it, HIV

saved my life.

Yeah.

- Austin,

- You

guys have been so incredible tonight.

I wanna leave you with one

last thing, one last thing,

which is this one last

thing, which is this,

it's the most important lesson.

You do not have to lose yourself

or change yourself to

be loved by anyone else.

I love you guys so much.

Thank you so much for coming out tonight.

Austin, you've been incredible.

I love you. I love you.

I love you. Thanks for coming out.

Thanks for sharing your energy.

I hope you enjoyed your

fun and slutty 1 0 1.

I love you Austin, get home safe.

- Thank you so much. You look

amazing. You all look amazing.

Get home safe. Don't do

anything I wouldn't do.

Get home safe. I love you

guys. You guys look amazing.

It's good to see you. Bye guys. Love you.