01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Please welcome Asif Ali.

[audience cheering]

What the f*ck's up, New York? Let's go!

-[audience cheering]
-[Asif laughs]

Oh, my God.

Oh, man, I'm so pumped to be here.
I'm losing my mind.

I'm dressed like f*ck hummus.

Yes! I don't know.
This place is crazy, dude.

You guys are so lucky. There's so much
beautiful diversity in New York.

I didn't grow up around diversity.
Are there Indian people here?

-[cheering]
-Oh, sh*t.

I didn't know... I didn't grow up around...
I grew up in Arizona, dude.

Yeah, I was f*cked.

When you're an immigrant,
you go where the job is.

They don't check census or anything.

There was no Indian people
when I grew up in Arizona.

It was just white people,
Mexican people, then us.

I thought I was Mexican
for the first 15 years of my life.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

What's f*cked up is I was so good at it.

I was crushing it.
I had a f*cking bowl cut.

All my soccer moves
were all together, dude.

I was putting spice on mango.
I was k*lling it.

I was pissed when they told me
I couldn't be Mexican.

They had to confront me.
That's how good I was at it.

They came to my birthday party.

My buddy Luis confronted me.
He's like, "You can't be Mexican."

"It's disrespectful."

I got emotional. You know what I mean?
That was my whole identity at that point.

I, like, took off my pointy-a*s hat.

And I was like,
"Really? You're gonna do this to me?"

"Here? At my quinceañera?"

[audience laughing]

This is f*cking r*cist, dude.

I was pissed and then
I had to become Indian.

I didn't even know
that there was a billion Indian people.

I had no clue.
When I found out, I was stunned.

I was in high school like,

"We gotta put a condom
over this entire country."

There's a billion...
A billion of anything is too much.

If you told me there was
a billion turtles, I'd say,

"We gotta cut that down
by half, right?" [laughs]

We don't give our parents
and grandparents enough credit

for making a billion Indian people.

Do you know how hard that is?

Do you know how hard it is to have sex
after eating Indian food?

[audience laughing]

You don't know risk.

I dare you weak m*therf*ckers.

Leave tonight,
have two curries, try f*cking.

You won't trust any of your holes.
We make the future.

-[audience cheering and laughing]
-[Asif laughs]

Those heartburn pumps.
You better be lucky that sh*t's spicy,

'cause there'd be four billion of us
out this b*tch. You know?

We need the challenge.

-Any Chinese people here?
-[audience members cheering]

Did your parents talk about sex? No.

What a co-inky-dink. Right, bro?

The two countries with a billion
f*cking people in them... Never came up.

Then you think about it for a second.
You're like, "That's genius, dude."

"You know why we're not talking about it?
We're too busy being about it."

Take your pants off, white people.
You'll never catch up.

Know why there's only
four Asian people here?

'Cause the rest of us
are at home, raw-dogging.

[audience laughing]

[Asif laughs]

I went to India recently.
I loved it, had a good time.

I went to go see my cousin.
He was getting married.

It's a beautiful experience.

What stunned me while I was there
is I was watching TV and on the news,

it said that they're still deciding
whether to make g*y marriage

legal in India, and I was stunned.

Because my whole life I always thought
g*y marriage was legal in India.

Because I don't know if you've ever been
to an Indian wedding before,

but they are quite possibly
the gayest events ever put together.

I'm like, "What is straight about
three days of segregated dancing?

You came in on a horse
wearing a necklace.

There is nothing straight
about this event."

How do you even keep gays out
of an Indian wedding with a straight face?

Just like, "Get the gays
out of here right now. Lock the doors."

"Okay. Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to feed my best male friend with
my own hands. Open your mouth. Ah..."

[audience laughing]

"Get the girls out of here right now!

"Lock those doors too, okay?

Now what I need...
Now that we can get into it...

Okay. Now what I need... I need
14 of my straightest male friends, okay?

What we're going to do...

DJ, I need you to play
something cool like Jason Derulo.

And what we're gonna do is hold hands

and then f*cking just grind
on each other for, like, 22 minutes.

Some real butts-to-nuts sh*t.
You know what I mean?

I want my children to see the photo album

and be like, 'It is unquestionable
how straight my father was.'

I know we're all dressed
like bisexual wizards."

[laughs]

I love weddings. They're so fun.
I hope I get married someday.

I just want what my parents have.
My parents were married for 45 years.

Can you imagine that? 45 years.

They're old-school Indian.
They got an arranged marriage.

Don't f*cking pull back
on me now, New York.

You pieces of sh*t. You appropriate.

I see you guys doing yoga but you
won't commit to the culture. I see you.

You'll have a chai latte but you won't
marry a stranger. You make me sick.

-[all laugh]
-[audience clapping]

No, no, no.

It was what was popping off in India
at the time, you know?

It was like the Tinder of their time.
One swipe, no take-backs.

[audience laughing]

My parents want me to get
an arranged marriage.

My mom's begging me to do it.

And, you know, I grew up in America,
so I got American ideas.

So I'll always hit her with the,
you know, "What about love?"

"What about The Notebook, Mama?"

When you say that to somebody
in an arranged marriage,

they hit you with the same sh*t
every time.

She looks you right in the face
and goes, "You learn to love."

That's what they say.
Which, if you talk to an old Indian person

and they're doing this,
you're being scammed, okay?

And she's like, "You learn to love."

I remember my dad was behind her,
and I looked at him.

And then I looked at her and I go,
"Do you love Dad?"

And she took the deepest breath
I've ever heard in my life.

[laughs] I was like, "Do you love Dad?"
And she was like... [inhales deeply]

[exhales deeply]

-"I'm learning."
-[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

I was like, "Still? Jesus Christ."

But I don't know. I was a weird kid too.

I wanted to get out of Arizona so bad.

And there weren't
any brown people on TV at that time.

I just wanted to get out.
It was slim pickings.

You know what I mean? On TV,
brown people, there was cab drivers,

various snake charmers. [laughs]

But I was an optimist. I was like,
"I want to get out of Arizona.

Snake charmer. Let's f*cking go, dude."

I was like, "Career day."
Let's do this." I went into the library.

I actually googled it.
This is a real thing.

You know you can
calm down a cobra with a flute?

This is a real thing.
Apparently, like... I don't know.

Jazz confuses them or some sh*t like that.
They're like, "Where are the lyrics?

This isn't a Dua Lipa song.
What the f*ck is this?"

I was like, "That's cool
you figured that out."

But who even brings that up as an option
on how to deal with a cobra, dude?

Who's that weirdo at that meeting
1,000 years ago where they're like,

"We've got a k*ll it
with a rock or a stick,"

and there's just some weird dude in
the corner, just like, "I have an idea."

[audience laughing]

"What if we seduce it?"
And they're like, "Whose cousin is this?"

[laughs]

Could you imagine how weird
that must have been, dude?

The first time they charmed a snake?

Could you imagine how nuts
that must have been 1,000 years ago?

Some village in India, right?

Cobra comes up, right, just ready
to eat a f*cking baby or some sh*t.

You know what I mean?

People are terrified. "Oh, my God!
A cobra's here!" Everyone scatters, right?

It seems like it's over for
this baby, right? But then, like...

[laughs]

I mean, like, the smoke clears.

You know what I mean? Like out of
the jungle, this weird-a*s Indian

Lenny Kravitz-looking
m*therf*cker pops out.

Just shirt open, oily for no reason.
You know what I mean?

Other kids are up in the trees.

They're like, "Man, that's the guy
that f*cked my mom and my dad."

[audience laughing]

And he gets up in front
of that snake and he's like, "Hold on.

I'm going to play this slippery b*tch
one of my hit singles,"

and just f*cking rips on that flute, dude,
playing the Ginuwine "Pony" of its time,

just f*cking ripping it, dude,
like a Vegas residency Usher performance.

You know what I mean?

Getting the snake all f*cking Keke hot.
You know what I mean?

Right? And it f*cking works.

People must have been like,
'What the f*ck is going on?

Why do you have an erection?"

And he's like, "Peace, dude."
Just f*cking dips out, dude.

I used to think that was
the craziest part about that.

But I got high once.
I'm gonna be honest with you.

And I was like, "That's not even close."

You know what the craziest part
about that must have been?

-What it was like for that snake.
-[audience laughing]

Think about it. You're a snake.

You're f*cking... You run the jungle.
No one can stop you.

You just roll up on a family,
swallow a baby, move on. No one can...

You had no idea you were meeting
the champion of R&B this afternoon.

[all laughing]

You had no idea his a*s was about
to get smoothed out by jazz, dude.

You just rolled up, another village.
Full snake confidence.

Just like, "I'm gonna eat
every single one of you..."

[moans] "f*ck!

Oh, chill, Daddy.

Oh, my God.
Are you on Spotify? God damn.

f*ck. My tongue is
going crazy right now.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Time-out.

Time-out.

This is so random.

Who are you?"

[inhales deeply]

[moaning]

"Put me in this wicker basket."

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

[audience cheering]

I love you guys. I'm Asif Ali.
Thank you so much. Thank you.

[audience cheering]

[announcer] Give it up for Sabrina Wu.

[audience cheering]

[cheering continues]

-Oh, my God. That's it?
-[audience laughing]

Um, I love doing stand-up.

Because I am Asian, though,
everyone is obsessed with asking me,

like, "What do your Asian parents
think of your comedy?"

Okay, this is what my mom said.

"I don't like comedy.
I don't understand the value of laughter."

[audience laughing]

Pretty funny.

I said what she said on video once
and then everybody was so taken aback.

So I panicked and I was like,
"But she's like an immigrant from China."

And that is when
the comments section went crazy.

All of the white people were like,
"Oh, my God. That is so sad.

A country full of people
who don't laugh."

And then the Chinese people were like,
"I'm Chinese. I laugh."

[audience laughing]

And then they started a thread
about how I'm r*cist.

I was like, "Oh, God.
Chinese people, you win.

-My mom is uniquely a b*tch."
-[audience laughing]

That's my mom. My dad, he's fun.

I came out to him, like, a year ago.

-I said...
-[audience whooping and cheering]

Great. I came out to him. I said,
"Hey, Dad, I'm trans," and my dad went,

"Well, I'm driving!"

And honestly, I always suspected
he might be a driver. Um...

[audience laughing]

I was like, "I'm thinking about
going on T, taking testosterone."

He was like, "You don't like your body?
Well, do you think I like my face?

Do you think I like my skin, my eyes?"
He kept going for so long.

Then I had to pause coming out to be like,
"No, Dad, don't be sad.

-You're so sexy."
-[audience laughing]

He was like, "What?" I was like,
"If you weren't my dad, I..."

[audience laughing]

The closing note of that conversation,

he was like, "If you do anything
to your body, your grandma's gonna die."

I was like, "What are you saying?

She's transphobic and there's
an easy way to get rid of her?"

[audience laughing]

It didn't hurt the way I think
he thought it would,

because it is so different
to be an adult with a dad...

Like, when you're a kid
and your dad says sh*t,

it can really weigh on you.
You're like, "Am I a bad kid?"

But when you're an adult and he says sh*t,

you're sort of just like,
"Is this guy, like, autistic?"

[audience laughing]

Every day I'm on TikTok,
like, "Is he autistic?

Is he a narcissist?
Is he, like, a misogynist?

Oh, my God.
Has he been g*y this whole time?"

Speaking of g*y...
I have a little trick for you.

You can tell if a girl is g*y
based off of her smile.

I'll show you. Ready?
Okay. Straight girls smile like this.

And then g*y girls smile like this.

[audience laughing]

-So true.
-[audience laughing]

Now, my greatest sexual fantasy...

This bit is even dumber,
but it is better if you all buy in. Okay.

My greatest sexual fantasy...

I'm a cop. She's also a cop.

I walk in. I'm like,
"You're under arrest."

She's like, "You're under arrest."

And then we're both like,
"Whoa, if I'm here and you're here,

this is kind of
a waste of taxpayer money."

Then we do it doggy-style
hyper-realistically,

out of respect to our canine units.

[audience laughing]

-Now, my second greatest sexual fantasy...
-[audience laughing]

I'm home alone. She's away.

Now my third greatest sexual fantasy...

[audience laughing]

I'm hot and in high school again.

"Thanks for meeting me
under the bleachers."

"Thanks for bringing alcohol."
I'm like, "Can I kiss you?"

She's like, "What? I'm not g*y."

I'm like, "Right."
And then we both go to prom with boys.

[audience laughing]

Those moments are
why I get so confused and upset

when people are like, "You g*y.

You know, you're so brave.
You badass. You g*y."

I'm like, "Have you heard me, or any
two q*eer people talk to each other?"

It's literally one person going,

"Oh, my God.
I'm sorry I keep saying sorry,"

and the other person going,
"No, but that is so valid."

[audience laughing]

Oh, I'm badass? I was in a closeted,
label-less relationship for a year,

and this woman goes, "I love you.
You mean the world to me.

Do you want to be my squirrel friend?"

She says squirrel friend
because girlfriend is too scary.

And instead of being like,
"f*ck off," I go...

Oh. [chuckles nervously and chitters]

[audience laughing]

You laugh and you clap. That is my life.

And potentially even more embarrassing...
I am in a polycule.

I am the hinge in a V.

So I have two people who are dating me
but not dating each other.

And if we have to put,
like, a label on it,

technically, that makes me
kind of a baller. [laughs]

-[cheering]
-No, no, no. Literally, it's too much.

That's too many identifiers.

g*y, Asian, trans.
Now I'm a total daddy too?

[audience cheering]

People are so weird about it.

They're like, "I don't get it.
I could never do that.

I could never do that."
No, I would so much rather be like...

No one's asked me,
but I would so much rather be

non-monogamous first,
and non-binary second.

I'm sick and tired of seeing my name like,

"Sabrina Wu, parentheses,
they slash them."

I want to see my name,

"Sabrina Wu, parentheses,
they have two girlfriends."

[audience laughing]

"Slash, no big deal."

I love saying stupid sh*t like that.
That's why I just... I never want to be

a spokesperson for any marginalized group.

I was in that movie, Joy Ride with, like...

[audience cheering]

With a lot of Asian people,
and any time a journalist talked to us,

it would be like,
"What's it like being an Asian actor?"

You'd be like, "It's awesome."

"An Asian in comedy?" "Awesome."

I was asked what
it's like being Asian so many times,

I stopped saying it's awesome.

I started saying it's mid.

[audience laughing]

You want to know what it's really like?

Being an actor in an R-rated sex comedy,
for Asian Americans...

You're recording promo,
and your lines are literally,

"Hey, sluts. Hey, you dirty sl*t.

Hey, c**t wh*re, b*tch sl*t, like,

you gotta see Joy Ride
because representation is so important."

In one breath, I would literally go,
"We raunchy, we horny.

-We will stop Asian hate."
-[audience laughing]

As much as I'm like, "I'd never
want to be a spokesperson,"

there's a part of me that's like,
"It could be a little nice to be an icon,"

because I am
in such an embarrassing rivalry.

Many years ago,
when I was in college, I did a story slam.

I went up, I ate sh*t,
and this girl went up right after me.

Won the whole thing and everyone was like,
"Oh, she's gonna be famous.

She's such a good performer,"
and I screamed,

"I'm the one who's gonna be famous!
I'm the good performer!"

[audience laughing]

It's been seven years.
And, look, this special is a huge honor.

[audience cheering]

It doesn't f*cking matter.

Because that girl is literally inaugural
youth poet laureate, Amanda Gorman.

[audience laughing]

One time someone was like,
"You'll catch up."

-I was like, "Literally how?"
-[audience laughing]

Sometimes people are like,
"You were in Joy Ride."

I was like, "Great. I was in an R-rated
sex comedy that was a box office flop."

Listen to what she's been up to.

She was invited to perform
at President Biden's inauguration,

and at that performance, people sort of
say that she united the country.

[audience laughing]

Michelle Obama said she changed her life.

[audience laughing]

And she wore pink!

Since then, she has hosted the Met Gala,
been on the cover of Vogue.

She's a New York Times best-seller.
She was nominated for a Grammy.

-Is that even her f*cking art form?
-[audience laughing]

Great. I'm a successful sex clown.
She's our Joan of Arc.

[audience laughing]

Like, she's perfect to her core.
Like, anytime I'd ever see her,

I'd be like, "Hi, Amanda,"
and she would go, "Hi, Sabrina."

And she would go home
and probably not think about me.

But then I would go home
and write a lot of standup about her.

And she's running for president.

In college, she'd be like,

"One day, I could be
the first Black woman president."

When I was in college,
my big dream, I was like,

"Maybe one day I could be like
an Asian Jack Black."

[audience laughing]

Hey, do you guys think that
when Malala got really famous,

there was also someone
in the back, just like...

[screaming]

"It should have been me!"

[audience laughing]

Just something to think about. [laughs]

[audience laughing]

-Well, I actually have a poem for you.
-[audience laughing]

Okay, it's a YouTube comment on one
of my standup videos that I memorized.

It goes...

"Women literally only funny

when on testosterone
and pretending to be a man.

Well, that didn't work
for Hannah Dykesby.

But, China Boy,
you're actually really funny.

Great job, they."

[audience laughing]

Who's uniting the country now, b*tch?

-Okay.
-[audience cheering]

I've been Sabrina Wu.
Thank you so much.

[audience cheering]

[announcer] Welcome to the stage,
Gianmarco Soresi!

[audience cheering]

Hello!

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I get most of my material just existing
in New York City.

Like, this is a true story.

I was on the train once.
There was a couple across from me.

The man said to the woman,
"What do you want to do for dinner?"

And I swear to God, the woman said...

"I think that lanky Jew
is listening to our conversation."

[audience laughing]

I am Jewish.
But my name is Gianmarco Soresi.

It's like my parents knew
the Nazis were coming back.

I don't make a big deal
out of being Jewish

unless I'm losing an argument
with a person of color. Because...

[audience laughing]

I worry that I reinforce
a lot of negative Jewish stereotypes.

Like, I'm neurotic. I'm cheap.

But I'm also a bad driver.

And that's an Asian stereotype.

I'm not saying it's true,
but I like to believe

that when I'm swerving
all over the highway,

some r*cist piece of sh*t
behind me is like,

"Learn how to drive, you f*cking... Jew?"

[audience laughing]

What if the world's more complicated
than I once thought?

If Jews can't merge lanes,
how could they run the world?

It doesn't make any sense.

Obviously, Jews do not run the world.

We would if we could.
But Jews do not recruit.

That's Christians.

Christians are the ones running up
to everyone, Bible in hand,

like, "Heard the good news?"

You'll never see a Jew run up
to an uncircumcised guy with a scalpel,

-like, "Have you heard the bad news?"
-[audience laughing]

But maybe we need to start.

I was recently
performing in Houston, Texas.

I was on stage. I said, "I'm Jewish."

Someone in the audience went, "Yuck!"

But joke's on him.
That's Hebrew for "great job."

[audience laughing]

In all honesty, I do worry about this
recent spike in anti-Semitism,

because anti-Semitism is the backbone
for, like, a lot of my jokes.

It doesn't feel good as a comedian
to make fun of a group if that group

is already being mistreated by society.

That's why we'd all feel uncomfortable

if I started making jokes
at the expense of Black people

or at the expense of trans people.

But if I sh*t on Italians...

nobody give-a the f*ck.

[audience laughing]

Nobody give-a the f*ck.
You know why? 'Cause they're fine.

Italians aren't being
mistreated by the police.

Most of them are the police.

That's why if you do blackface,
you get fired.

If I'm like, "It's-a-me, Mario,"
what am I gonna lose? A gig in New Jersey?

I don't give-a the f*ck.

I just feel like if white people
would stop complaining

all the time about cancel culture
and actually fought for racial equality,

then all of us could do
the Chinese accent again.

[audience laughing]

My dad still does it.

Every time we go to this restaurant
in our neighborhood,

my dad will do his entire order
in a full Chinese accent.

And I know I should tell him to stop,
but it's the only time I see him happy.

I don't have the heart to tell him
it's an Indian restaurant.

[audience laughing]

I was nervous.

I don't know if you saw.
A couple of months ago,

there was a comedy club in North Carolina
where an audience member pulled out a g*n.

I always get scared,
if that ever happens at one of my shows,

there won't be enough people
for a mass sh**ting.

But I feel great about tonight.
So thank you so much for coming out.

[audience cheering]

I recently went to my first ever g*n show.

And I'm not into g*ns.
But I was in Florida

and I figured I'd learn
about their culture.

I walked in and they had
every g*n you can imagine.

AR-15s, M-16s, AK-47s.

It's hard to tell the difference,
'cause that's their LGBTQIA2+.

But before I could walk around,
this young woman, she ran up to me

and handed me a free pocket Constitution.

-And I was shocked she could read.
-[audience laughing]

She pulled me aside and she was like,

"Did you know they don't even teach
the Second Amendment in schools anymore?"

I was like, "Don't you think they're
getting enough hands-on experience?"

[audience exclaim softly]

That's not what I said.
I wanted to, but I was scared.

I was freaking out the whole time
I was there

that some crazy m*therf*cker
was gonna show up

and start sh**ting,
but then I was like, "Wait.

No one would be crazy enough to try that
because everyone has a g*n.

Maybe there'd be no more
mass shootings if everyone...

I have to get the f*ck out of Florida.
What the f*ck did I say?"

[audience laughing and clapping]

It's a good argument.

I was so persuaded,
I went to a sh**ting range.

And let me tell you something.

If you really believe that the only thing

that stops a bad guy with a g*n
is a good guy with a g*n,

then you have never seen me sh**t a g*n.

[audience laughing]

If I tried stopping a mass sh**ter,
you would think we were in it together.

The news would be like,

"A mass sh**ter and his blind accomplice
stormed a g*n show,

taking out 14 windows
and lighting fixtures."

There's no point debating it, though.
Everyone's already made up their mind.

I know an argument's
over with someone when they say,

"What would the Founding Fathers think?"

"Buddy, I don't care
what my regular father thinks. Try again."

If Benjamin Franklin were alive today,
he'd be like, "What's a poke bowl?"

-He wouldn't give a sh*t about any of us.
-[audience laughing]

And obviously I'm a liberal cuck.

But even liberals,

they can be hypocritical about g*ns,
especially Hollywood.

Everyone in Hollywood
claims to be anti-g*ns.

Then they make more f*cking g*n movies.

If you're anti-g*ns,
make more karate films.

I'd rather be kicked by Alec Baldwin.
Wouldn't you?

[audience laughing]

Why did they resume filming on that movie?
Tell me.

How do you give it a positive review?

You're gonna be, like,
"Rolling Stone says 'worth it'"?

-[audience laughing]
-"Vanity Fair, 'Baldwin never misses.'"

I used to be a theater kid,
but you could all tell, right?

[audience cheering]

I know. I can't hide it.

I did a show hosted by a drag queen.
She told me to take it down a notch.

When she brought me on stage, she said,

"This next comedian looks like
before he tells a joke,

he whispers five, six, seven, eight."

My acting teacher told me,
"You can take the boy out of the theater,

but you can't take
the d*ck out of his a*s."

[audience laughing]

I've been an actor
longer than I've been a comedian.

I've shared the stage
with people who have gone on

-to become huge real estate agents.
-[audience laughing]

I was in the movie Wolf of Wall Street.

I played Leonardo DiCaprio's waiter.
Small part but I wanted to do well.

So to prepare for the role,
I actually became a waiter for 12 years.

[audience laughing]

It's called extra work.

You're on screen,
but you don't have any lines.

You're basically furniture
but with dreams.

It was depressing doing
The Wolf of Wall Street

because I've never been
closer to my dreams yet further away.

It would be like if the love of your life
were on top of you

getting f*cked by Leonardo DiCaprio.

That is my time.
Thank you very much. Good night.

[audience cheering]

[announcer] Put your hands together
for Rosebud Baker.

[audience cheering]

Oh.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much.
I am eight and a half months pregnant.

[audience cheering]

[laughs] Give it up for the splash zone.

Um...

Sorry. They were supposed
to give you guys ponchos.

I would say I'm happy to be here.

I just barely know
where the f*ck I am at this point.

Honestly, I'm just... I've been
pregnant my entire life at this point.

[sighs] I'm like,
"She's got to be 18 by now.

She's got to come out paying taxes."

You get a lot of advice being pregnant.
I don't like any of it.

Um, one of the things was,
like, no hot baths.

They were, like, "Just no hot baths."

I was like, "What, is that gonna, like,
boil the baby or..."

They're like, "Yes, you'll boil the child.
No hot baths."

All of the advice essentially is

if you enjoy it as a mother,
you have to stop. It will k*ll the child.

That's the advice, you know,
unless it's reality TV,

which is shocking to me
because the amount of reality TV

that I've watched since getting pregnant,
it's got to be worse than smoking.

It can't be good.

I mean, it's the worst kind of thing
you can put in your body...

other than maybe m*rder shows,
but at least those,

like, they have the decency
to k*ll those women at the end, you know?

[audience laughing]

[Rosebud laughs]

Anyway, I... [laughs]

The point is, no hot baths.

I feel like she's gonna have
a lifetime with me as her mom.

I feel like she can get all the warmth
that she can right now.

Like, take it while you can.

I just...I hate that you're not
supposed to complain

about being pregnant, I guess,
'cause it's a blessing.

Uh, you know, it just sounds
ungrateful to people.

But listen. I can want a kid
and hate being pregnant.

I can want to... Right?

You're allowed to be hungry
and not want to cook.

[audience laughing]

Like, I'm excited to have a kid.

I just want somebody
to Postmates her to my house.

That's all. You know what I mean?
My mom has four kids.

I tried complaining about it.
This is what she said.

She goes, "Rosie,
pregnancy is not a disability."

I was like, "If it's not a disability,

why do I sh*t my pants
when I tie my shoes?"

[audience laughing]

If that's not a disability,
it's a new ability. I know that.

-Couldn't do that before.
-[audience laughing]

She goes, "Listen, Rosie.

Pregnant women used to work
all day in the fields."

I was like, "What?
Are you talking about sl*very right now?

-What fields?
-[audience laughing]

"What fields did you have to work in
as a lawyer's wife, Janet?

I'm curious."

If there's one thing
I've learned from being pregnant,

it's that nobody gives a sh*t
about women's pain.

They don't care at all.

You could walk into a hospital
with a g*nsh*t wound,

and they'll be like,
"Eat some yogurt, walk it off."

They're just guessing.
You might as well go to the vet.

They have no idea.

I have something called SPD,
which I didn't know about.

Okay, SPD is basically when the weight
of your baby is so much that

it's splitting my pelvis in half.

Yeah, that's allowed to happen.
They just... They go, "That's normal."

You know what
they said to do for the pain?

She goes, "Keep your legs together."

[audience laughing]

I was like, "Lady, if I knew how
to do that, I wouldn't f*cking be here."

[audience laughing]

Keep my legs together?

I was like, "Did you just bill
my insurance to call me a wh*re?"

Then finally she goes,

"Okay, fine. If you really need something,
we have this medieval belt."

Essentially. She didn't call it that,
but that's what it is.

She goes, "It's a belt that
tapes your pelvis together."

It goes around your waist
and between your thighs.

Like a seat belt for your p*ssy.

Okay? And it's just, like, basically...
You know what?

I'm just gonna show it to you.
Look at this.

[audience cheering]

Yeah. Yeah, it's a nightmare.

It's a f*cking nightmare.

It looks like Brooklyn Bridge
in my underpants.

[audience laughing]

Okay. Honestly, I have
to ice my p*ssy every night

because my f*cking pelvis
is splitting in half.

And the best thing doctors have
come up with is a strap-on with no d*ck.

[audience laughing]

Thank you, women's medicine.

People say there's nothing more feminine
than being pregnant.

I'm like, "That is not f*cking true."

Okay? This is the least feminine
I've ever been.

-I'm a fat man for the first time.
-[audience laughing]

That's what I am. Okay? I can't...

I haven't taken
a smooth sh*t in eight months,

and I sweat sitting down now.

I watched The Whale just to have
something to relate to.

[audience laughing]

It is not... It does... It's not easy
to feel sexy like this, okay?

There's some pregnant women
who are like, "I got so horny."

I'm like, "Why don't you keep that
to your f*cking self?"

I can't feel sexy like that.
I tried f*cking my husband.

Halfway through, I was like,
"You're all over the place. Get out."

Like a hall monitor. It was insane.

It wasn't anything he did.

I was like, "There's too many
people inside me."

[audience laughing]

"I'm getting gangbanged
by my whole f*cking family."

I swear to God, this whole thing has
just made me believe that God is a man.

Because when it's over, my hormones
delete my memory of all the bad sh*t,

so I'll do it all over again.

Like nature's roofie.
I'm like, "That's a man's work."

[audience member cheers]

And people, they ask me... They go like,

"Are you worried about global warming,
with your kid?"

I'm like, "No, no. I'm raising her
in a f*cking late-30s womb."

"I'm pretty sure the walls
are melting in there. I don't..."

It's mostly empty JUUL pods
and Starbucks cups.

She's gonna be fine.
She's gonna be very resourceful.

Mostly, I'm worried about being pregnant
while Roe v. Wade got overturned.

You know, that's like...
'Cause I look at myself in the mirror,

I go like, "Whose f*cking side
are you on?" You know?

-It's...
-[audience laughing]

I'm like, "You're like an agent
of the state now. That's..."

You can't be excited about being pregnant
while Roe v. Wade is overturned.

It's like walking up to Rosa Parks
during the boycott like,

"I don't know what's going on outside,
but I just got a free bus pass."

[audience laughing]

"Be happy for me."

No. Matter of fact... I mean, listen.

We live in New York,
it doesn't affect us much.

Let's be honest. It doesn't.

But the week that they overturned
Roe v. Wade,

they also banned the sale of JUULs,
and that is where I draw the f*cking line.

It might feel weird to hear
a pregnant lady say this,

but you can't ban vaping and ab*rtion
in the same week.

-'Cause I'm gonna buy a g*n.
-[audience laughing]

If I lived in Texas...

Are you kidding me? I would have wandered

into an ab*rtion clinic and been like,
"Hey, can I get an ab*rtion?"

If they said no, I'd be like,

"I'm gonna sh**t myself
directly in the p*ssy."

That's what's next.

I'd shove the whole g*n up there.
I'd give a new meaning to concealed carry.

I'll just waddle into a clinic.

-Vaping. Can I...
-[audience laughing]

Can I get an ab*rtion?

If they say no, I'd just do one Kegel
and blow myself to bits.

That's... "Sorry for the mess."

-"Could have been avoided."
-[audience laughing]

That's my time. I gotta go. Bye.
You guys have been great.

[audience cheering]

Thank you so much.

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
Dulcé Sloan!

[audience cheering]

-You're welcome.
-[audience whooping]

How y'all doing? That's great. Listen.

So, we are celebrating your girl.

-All right? I just bought a new house.
-[audience cheering]

I just got a new car.

[audience cheering]

Now I need a new man,
and that's a little bit more tricky. Um...

'Cause I'm trying to change my tactics.

You know, 'cause I have a tendency
to sleep with broke men.

And I'm trying to stop doing that.

But it's hard because
broke d*ck is amazing.

-Um...
-[audience laughing]

I don't know if you've ever had it,
but, whoo, 10 out of 10.

But the thing is broke d*ck is amazing
because it has to be.

They have absolutely nothing else
to offer you.

That man has to f*ck you to sleep
so he has a place to sleep.

This is when somebody
usually goes, "Oh, no."

Oh, yes, I see you. Hello. I saw you.

But you didn't know they were broke

until they came in your house
with two backpacks.

'Cause one backpack,
he's just running around the city.

Two backpacks,
he is sleeping around the city.

-This man is a hobo-sexual.
-[audience laughing]

You have to be very careful.

And I'm doing well.
They trying to trap me.

They're trying to trap me.

But they say crazy stuff like,

"I don't like condoms.
They're uncomfortable."

You know what's uncomfortable?
Knowing you for 18 years, sir.

I'll wrap myself in aluminum foil
before I let you touch me.

You don't know if you're dealing with one.
They dress like everybody else.

Head-to-toe Carhartt
and sneakers like everybody else.

And one of them almost got me.

I was at a dive bar, which means
I have a lot of white friends. And...

Also, can we take a second
to talk about dive bars? What the f*ck?

Why are they always wet?

Why is the floor raining?

Why is the ceiling dripping?
Why am I drinking in a rain forest?

What is happening in here?
And then the bathroom.

What the... The... Why?

Who knew that so many adults

were walking around
with markers and paint pens?

How does this happen?

Your friend called,
"Anybody wanna go to a dive bar?"

-"Yeah. Let me stop at Michaels first."
-[audience laughing]

And then the stickers...

The f*ck... This is elementary school level.

Stickers? Do you think that this is how
your band's gonna get discovered?

Sir, go to rehearsal. Start a SoundCloud.

You don't need a sticker budget.
You need instruments.

When I'm at this dive bar, I'm at the bar,

waiting for my whiskey,
minding my business,

being a Christian, and...

Top shelf.
Thank you so much. I'm doing well. And so...

This dude comes talking to me,
you know, coming and trying to chat me up.

And, you know, he's white,

'cause a Black dude
in a dive bar is not trying to talk to me.

My hair could be on fire and a Black dude
in would be like, "Hmm. Unfortunate."

[audience laughing]

"Yo, Molly."
He's not trying to talk to me.

The thing is, you have to be careful

when a man in these situations
tries to talk to you.

You're already
in a broke kind of atmosphere.

It's a dive bar.
They're sponsored by very broke things.

If you want to know if you're
dealing with a broke in the wild,

you have to pay attention
to what he orders, and how did he pay.

"What's the broke thing to order?"
You know what it is.

PBR. We all know.

I don't know if you know
how they make PBR,

but they take mobile homes and juice them.

[audience laughing]

Trailers, single wide.

Every PBR is 60% trailer juice,
40% unfiltered water.

You know I'm right. Every time
your jive-having a*s took a sip,

you're like, "What is that?"

Is that teen pregnancy?
What am I tasting?

White poverty? What is that?"

Voting against your own interests.
There we go.

That's what that is.

But see, here's the thing.

I had to be very careful,
when talking to this man,

'cause the other thing you have
to think about is how did he pay.

I thought the brokest way to pay
for something was change.

Mmm-mmm.

I saw this man pay for this PBR
with wet money.

[audience laughing]

The question is, how's the money wet?
His pants are dry.

[audience laughing]

Have you gotten paper wet?

Got money wet? You got to be careful.

It'll disintegrate. It's wet paper.

But this man needed three wet dollars.

From his seven wet dollars.

And I saw this man separate this money

with the precision, focus and heart...

of somebody diffusing a b*mb.

Just truly... [exhales]

He mopped his brow at one point,
and he gets it separated,

slaps it down on the bar,
and I see the bartender come over

and start peeling it
and look at me and go, "Mmm-mmm."

While the bartender's peeling up
the money, he sips his beer.

He looks at me and goes...
"So what's your name?"

To which I took a sip of my whiskey

and looked at him and said,
"You'll never f*cking know."

[audience cheering]

Because that man was broke as sh*t.

And his d*ck was gonna be amazing.
Do you understand me?

I would've woken up the next day
and been Bambi on ice.

You wouldn't have been able to get me.

I'd have paid his student loans,
his mama's mortgage.

Understand? I had to save my own life.

Other things I've never understood.

Broke dudes always
have money for drugs, which...

I've always been afraid of drugs,
'cause I took D.A.R.E. in Miami.

I don't know if you've heard of Miami.
It's where drugs start.

So, that made me very afraid of drugs.

I remember at ten years old,
learning about heroin.

And I was like,
"Why do you need so many things to do it?"

You need a spoon, a knife,
a syringe, a lighter,

a belt, you need a case to put it all in,
and then you still don't have drugs.

[audience laughing]

And when you get the drugs,
you gotta cook them.

-Why do I have raw drugs?
-[audience laughing]

What is this farm-to-table
narcotics situation?

[audience laughing]

Cocaine, I don't understand.
It uses the metric system.

I'm an American.
I don't know what we're doing.

The hell are you talking about?

Understand? I don't get what's going on.

I grew up listening to trap music,
so I have a great time most of the time.

But they're always talking about
bricks, keys.

I don't know about the bricks of things.

If I can call somebody and be like,

"Let me get a Philadelphia cream cheese
brick of cocaine,"

I know exactly how much that is.

I know how to break that down,
how to spread that out.

Like... "Would you like a schmear of
cocaine?" I know how much cocaine that is.

Roll into a party
with five bagels of cocaine.

You will have a great night,
I promise you.

Weed? Too much math.

I never know how much weed
somebody is buying.

My homeboy was like,
"I'm waiting for my dealer."

And I was like, "What? Dealer? Sir.
We have dispensaries now.

You can buy weed and get a receipt.

Why are you committing crime
for no reason?"

He's like, "I need a quarter.
Maybe an eighth." I'm like, "Of What?"

He said, "Of what?"
I said, "A quarter. It's a fraction."

If there's a fraction,
there's a whole thing.

-What's the whole thing?
-[audience laughing]

I've never been friends with the person
who bought the whole thing.

I'm friends with the person that bought
the fraction. What's the whole thing?

-I'm asking, what's the whole thing?
-[audience laughing]

How much?

How the f*ck much?
You never bought an ounce of anything.

Nobody knows how much an ounce is.
Americans don't know.

If you call somebody, be like, "Hey."

Let me get two tablespoons of weed,"
you know how much weed that is.

[audience cheering]

-Bye.
-[audience cheering]

[cheering continues]