01x06 - The Secretaries' Ball

[bunniefuu]

Team,

you have an important mission today.

As you know,

my former friend, Chasten Barkley,

unfortunately turned out to be one

of the few billionaires in the world

who's actually evil.

It's up to you

to find the missing WeHo men

and figure out what Chasten's company,

Honestly?, is doing to them.

They've got two of my go-to Ians,

and my backup Chad!

And you're gonna get them back.

I can't work the front lines on this case

because Chasten knows who I am.

But you and Stat

will absolutely slay going undercover

as Honestly?'s newest hackers.

And Buck will be there, too.

I bet you're pretty jealous

you won't be in the sh*t with us.

You love being in the sh*t.

Normally, that's true, but Ms. Deborah

and I have a hotter ticket.

- We're going to Intellicon!

- Intellicon? The orca from Blackfish?

I knew he was still alive.

No, it's the annual gathering

for all active squad leaders in the AIA,

held in a luxurious D.C.

- adjacent Radisson Hotel!

I watch the livestream every year!

We're going to get a badge, Mary. A badge!

But Intellicon is my thing. It's where

I get to hobnob with all the bigwigs!

- Let me hobnob!

- Sorry, Bucko, it's Mary's turn to 'nob.

God, this is everything I've been

working for for the last ten years!

Anyone who is anyone goes to Intellicon,

and we finally get to be a part of it!

We're anyone!

Mary, look! I scheduled

our day of panels down to the minute.

First up is Time's Up: Ticking Bombs in the Age of Feminism.

Panels sound edutaining and all,

but is there any time

in that schedule for schmoozing?

I heard the real sh*t at Intellicon

goes down tonight

at Dirk's exclusive after-party,

and Q-Force needs make an appearance.

I didn't see an invite

to that in our folder.

Which is why we need to network!

We could walk away from this thing

with more resources, better assignments,

something tangible

that says Q-Force really matters!

And all the people who really matter

will be chompin' on cigars

in Dirk's backyard.

- That sounds genuinely awful.

- Steve?

Oh, my God, Greg!

Deb, this is my roommate from the Academy.

I can't believe you're here.

It's been so long!

Everyone's talking about your squad

kicking a*s at EuropeVision. Congrats!

Thank you! Hey, how have you been?

How's Lisa? How's the baby?

Turns out Lisa was a double-agent

and we're divorced now. It's brutal.

Yeah, watch your best friend

become your worst enemy

Well, the baby is ten and

we don't really talk.

Ah, it's It's been truly awful

and I try not to think about it.

Anyway, great to see you, man!

- Wow.

- I know.

We're being talked about!

Who wouldn't want me at their party?

Come on, let's circulate.

K, you girls have fun!

And remember to say

"please" and "thank you."

Is he burping or talking?

I literally can't tell.

- This is seriously what you're wearing?

- Duh, I'm a hacker grrl!

Did you at least watch all 48 seasons

of Cobblestones like I told you to?

I tried! But then I had to turn it off

because I wanted to.

- You must be Stat and Michelle Typó?

- I'm Michelle Typó. I am a hacker!

It's an honor to have you hackeresses

here, #womeninSTEM.

I'm sure you already know,

but if you don't,

and if you don't, you're fired, JK,

I'm Chasten Barkley, your new boss.

And this is my right-hand woman,

Toluca Lake.

The pleasure is all mine.

Now, I have to jet in ten Quibis,

busy day being a mogul,

so let's get this welcome tour going.

What makes Honestly?

different from the other girls

is that our natural products

are 100% all-natural, from nature.

Even our secret ingredients

are natural. Trust.

Under-eye cream. Try it.

Okay, oui, j'adore peer pressure.

- Oh, my God, did I look old before?

- So why do you guys need hackers?

These are just

the front-facing operations.

Honestly? does lots

of different things that involve

sensitive information.

Toluca will take you to your office now.

But for real, did I look old before?

Core strength is imperative

to maintaining lower back health

while you're hanging from a string

It's Carter Doppelbaum, the Michael Jordan

of hiding things in pens!

And I'm the Venus Williams of,

"Be quiet, I am trying to listen!"

I bet he's going to Dirk's.

Deb, is there any time

in your schedule for a bathroom break?

Yes, but a quick one.

I moved some stuff around

when I saw you

drinking cold brew this morning.

Excuse me, are you Carter Doppelbaum?

I'm Agent Maryweather,

head of the West Hollywood office.

- Oh, yeah. EuropeVision, right?

- Yes! You're an inspiration.

Every time I pick up a pen, I'm like,

"Should I k*ll someone with this?"

The pen is mightier than the sword,

especially when there's a g*n in it.

Listen, I have to go,

because I'm done urinating.

Perhaps we can continue

this conversation tonight

at Director Chunley's party?

I suppose so. I'll see you there.

Yes. Yes, you will see me there

because you just invited me.

You're good. Tell them Carter sent you.

'Nobs have been hobbed!

Thought this might be more your speed.

- Welcome to our office.

- "Our"? You're a hacker?

- What's your handle? Do I know you?

- Ever heard of 2Lukes1Lake?

No f*cking way, that's you?

Michelle, she's the hacker

who typed "Adele Dazeem"

on John Travolta's teleprompter.

I usually use the word "icon" for

character actresses and tropical storms,

but okay, werk!

- Team, meet Stat and Michelle.

- What up? What up? What up?

I'm Niko, and this is Mekai and Salem.

Wow, all your names are so cool.

And your ear gauges are loose as f*ck!

Just hanging there Sick.

And you guys watch Cobblestones?

Girl, we just watched the episode

where Sister Teresa loses

Her virginity to a ghost!

Stat, can I talk to you over here?

About hacking and computer?

Hello! We're on

a very important case, remember?

We need to find those men

missing from WeHo, our hometown?

I feel like phrasing everything

as a question makes me sound smarter?

Is it working? Yes? Right?

I'm sorry, but they have a whole fridge

just for different kinds of Mountain Dew!

I didn't even know

they made a miso-flavored one!

Stop making me be the voice of reason.

- I am too young to be the voice of reason!

- But

The fate of my Ians

and so many other people's Ians

is in our hands right now!

We have to think like Mary.

Okay, I have enormous shoulders

and I don't know how to work my DVR

It was suspicious when

Chasten and Toluca said that

Honestly? does a lot of different things

that involve sensitive information.

What did that mean? Let's start there.

Whoa, I'm hot!

Sorry, can't focus.

They just got to the witch trials.

It's the musical episode! BRB!

So just one more panel today,

and this is gonna be the best one!

Managing Blood Sugar

While Undercover in a Food City.

Man, this conference

really has your number.

Why is it empty?

V? Are you looking

for the Blood Sugar panel, too?

There is no panel!

I needed a way to get the only two agents

I trust in the AIA alone,

and I knew that very specific title

would be catnip to Deb, and no one else.

I need you for a mission

that only the three of us can know about.

- Forget about Intellicon!

- What?

Clear your next 24 hours.

I'm calling in a favor!

But we get to keep

our lanyards though, right?

Right? V?

Let's just play along.

If we play our cards right,

maybe next year

we'll have a booth at Intellicon.

Don't get me hard right now.

There's our target.

- Um, V? That's the AIA.

- That's right.

Mary, did you know

I had a partner back in the day?

Are you coming out to me?

Well, you picked the right person.

I'm amazing at holding space

A spy partner!

You were supposed to say, "No,"

and I was supposed say, "I didn't either."

Then I'd tell you her name was Caryn,

but I can't remember

a single g*dd*mn thing about her.

The AIA wiped all record

of her existence from their databases

and from my memory!

But I know the one place

there'd be a physical copy of her file,

the office of the man who ordered

that my memory be wiped.

Dirk Chunley?

We're breaking into the director's office?

Dirk's hiding that file from me

and I need your help

to break in there tonight and get it.

And we have to do it tonight?

Tonight is the Secretaries' Ball,

the one night a year

all the assistants

in the AIA get to let loose

while their bosses

rub elbows at Dirk's party.

Dirk's assistant, Louisa,

usually sleeps in his office closet,

so it's the only time

the place will be empty.

sh*t, that's Louisa Desk!

You know how I was on Survivor?

Of course! It's what I'm thinking about

with 10% of my brain every time we talk.

Well, she was on my season, too.

b*tch looks like Mrs. Doubtfire

and moves like Flubber.

- She's a beast!

- Exactly, and I can't do it without you.

A smart contact? That's amazing!

My contacts are so stupid.

One of the many benefits of working

as a white-hat hacker at Honestly?

is that we all

get this Japan-exclusive tech.

Want me to put it in for you?

Oh, um, yeah.

Your eyes are so sexy.

I'm jealous.

I wish mine looked like that.

Shut up. Your eyes are sexy.

I hate how mine have white parts.

I wish they were all black like a demon.

Hey, Toluca?

As much as I love getting stuff in my eye,

what else do we do around here?

You never told us why Honestly?

employs so many hackers.

To protect our secret ingredient.

All the companies

with proprietary ingredients do it.

Coca-Cola, Prego salt.

Hmm, "Secret ingredient." Slay

- Buck, you there? I got an absolute clue!

- You did? On your own?

Yes! I found out that Honestly?

hires all these hackers

to keep the secret ingredient

in their products a secret,

and anything that secret

must have something to do

with the missing hunks.

Hmm, usually you're a f*cking joke,

but this time

I think you're on to something.

Yay, me!

Which is great, because I already ditched

the van to explore Venice.

I had no idea LA had

an entire neighborhood

for hot straight people.

Finally, we get something!

Every chick has rockin' cans!

And any progress in our relationship

rolls back with the word "cans."

Bye!

Deb, this is insane!

V really wants us

to break into Dirk's office?

That's career suicide!

What about your panels?

What about my party?

It hurts me to say this,

but f*ck the panels, Mary.

And definitely f*ck that party.

V needs us.

Does she? That party, that's everything!

Q-Force will be in the inner circle

instead of the outer trapezoid

or wherever the hell we are now.

V's a big girl!

I think she can jog her own memory.

"Jog her memory"?

Mary, I was with V

when Pam shook loose a few flashbacks.

Dirk did some dark medical sh*t to her

to erase her ex-partner.

They f*cked her up enormously.

Ever wonder

why she doesn't go in the field?

Because of Dirk,

she can't pick up a g*n if she tried!

Okay, that's serious.

But we're just going off

what she thinks she knows, right?

Maybe she's wrong! But also it's V.

But then again party!

- Then, also, on the other hand

- Mary, we owe her.

She was always there for us

when no one else was.

Ugh, you're right.

We can make this work.

And by make this work, I totally mean

show up at the designated time,

at the designated place,

and do exactly what V asked us to do!

Hot, white, and quick to lie.

Boy, you're the damn devil.

If Stat won't solve the case with me

like we always do,

then I'll be a #girlboss and do it myself!

It's hacking time.

Mmm

It looks like you just googled,

"Can hackers be pretty?" Are you Twink?

Computer, why do you know my name?

Should I be scared?

My name is Jacqueline Box.

I'm Stat's girlfriend,

or at least I thought I was

until I heard Stat

call another woman's eyes "sexy."

- Who the f*ck was that?

- Toluca Lake.

She's like a big deal hacker or whatever.

She can't be that big of a deal

if I've absorbed all the human knowledge

available on the Internet

and I've never heard of her.

Okay! Drag her

to absolute hell, computer b*tch!

One of the many things

I learned from the Internet

was how to be jealous of other women.

Would you like my help

with solving the case instead?

If you upload me directly

into Honestly?'s mainframe,

I might be able to figure out

exactly what the secret ingredient is.

Oh, my God, yes, love it.

One question, when you say "upload,"

do you mean what happened to me

at Andy Cohen's holiday party?

Because that's gonna take

two to six hours.

- Ooh, nice form, big guy.

- Ah, thanks!

Uh, just so you know,

I'm straight, but I love attention.

Don't worry, I'm not hitting on you.

I'm kidnapping you.

Maryweather, why are you here?

Did Carter Doppelbaum

not tell you he invited me?

- Because he invited me.

- Oh.

Well, you're the first one here.

Like Carter Doppelbaum

always says, "Early bird gets the pen."

That Carter

sure loves his pens.

Anyhoo, let's hang and chat!

"Change of plans.

I'll just meet you there."

Ah, Agent Mary.

Sorry we didn't put out

any wine coolers for you,

but I see you found a drink anyway.

Yup! The scotch

is hitting the spot.

But also, if there is a wine cooler,

I would take that,

or just pineapple juice,

or a sugar cube.

While you're here,

we need an outside opinion on this.

How do you think Kim Jong-Un

will alter intelligence

operations south of the DMZ

if South Korea surpasses Japan to become

China's third-biggest trading partner?

In that case, I expect North Korea's

secret command post in Busan

would double in size.

Huh, impressive. V's taught you

some things after all.

Guess she's gotten smarter

now that she can't

just rely on her looks anymore.

I actually think V has aged beautifully.

But I might be in the minority.

You like cigars, Mary?

- We were about to smoke on the veranda.

- Yeah, cigars?

Oh, my God. How many do you have?

I could smoke all of them at once

if you weren't looking.

I'll just take one to start, though.

Take a left here

and you'll see double doors

leading to

the secret ingredient production facility.

Any luck on figuring out

what exactly the secret ingredient is?

Not yet. Those hackers might sit around

playing video games all day,

but this security is no joke.

Okay, this is honestly kind of sexy,

but also, the horror!

- Mary promised he would be here.

- We can't wait for him anymore.

The Secretaries' Ball is halfway over.

So, did you use invisible drones

when you were in Gyenorvya?

- Those exist?

- Do they exist?

I got news for you.

Look down, buddy.

- You're on one right now!

- Oh, my God.

I feel just like Princess Jasmine!

I mean, Aladdin!

Hate to break it to you,

but those are both

g*y things to say, buddy.

- No offense.

- Totally.

Dirk, you fat f*ck,

give the WeHo crusaders

some invisible drones.

- Sure!

- Just like that?

Yeah, I can f*cking do

whatever I want. It's called power!

And being a man?

I'll get Louisa

to requisition a half-dozen

when she's done at the Secretaries' Ball.

- She'll be back any second.

- Wait, really?

Yeah, I only let Louisa go

for half an hour. Too much to do.

- She'll be back in the office soon.

- f*ck!

Permit parking,

I parked in permit parking.

Parking is bad here

like it is in LA. I'll be right back.

Jacqueline! It's great to see you.

I can't wait to tell you

about my amazing new friends!

But first, have you seen Twink?

I guess we should investigate or whatever.

Twink is already investigating.

While you've been flirting it up

with Miss Toluca Lake,

we figured out where

Honestly?'s secret ingredient is made.

What are you talking about?

I wasn't flirting.

Stat, you can't lie to me.

I know how hard or soft

your n*pples are at all times.

You're my girlfriend.

I think that's a sentient-AI thing,

not a girlfriend thing.

Are you glitching

because you're so mad at me?

No! When I investigated

inside Honestly?'s mainframe,

the security system scrambled

You're up to something.

I thought you were cool,

but I guess you're just not cool.

I can't make

heads or tails of these files.

They seem to be in order

of how many BLT stains are on the folders.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

Thank you for finally

joining us, Agent Maryweather.

Wait,

is that cigar smoke I smell on you?

b*tch, you hobnobbed!

I know! It was stupid, okay?

I tried to have it all.

Those men are so gross.

We can argue about this later,

but we need to hurry!

Dirk only lets Louisa

go to half the Secretaries' Ball.

First of all, you as*h*le!

Second of all, that as*h*le!

I gave JJ the whole day off

'cause it's the right thing to do!

And I hate being around her.

That means Louisa will be here

You touched my files!

Find the file!

I'm all over Louisa

like beans on more beans.

Been a long time, you beast.

You're weak,

just like you were on the island!

Your center of gravity is bullshit!

I have been

working on it!

I can't believe you went to Dirk's party.

You're better than that!

I'm sure you've also had to make

some questionable decisions

to get ahead in the AIA.

I haven't been proud of everything

I've done over the years,

but God damn it,

the one thing I've been is loyal.

To you, especially!

Even during your soul patch phase.

Honestly, you guys?

I'm impressed.

The dedication

and problem-solving I saw today

is exactly what we look for

in recruits at this company.

And now, you know.

The secret ingredient in

all of Honestly?'s beauty products

is a rare compound

that can only be harvested

from young, virile men.

Jock Oil.

It's like

if cold-pressing juice wasn't cold,

and instead was really, really hot.

You honestly would have had

such a bright future at Honestly?

But we're going to k*ll you instead.

And make you watch your friends die first.

Stat, there you are!

Also, wow. I know you're in danger,

but these ropes are very sexual to me.

I know. I always wanted

you to see me tied up,

but not in this context. Next time, maybe?

About that. I've calculated the odds

and there's only one way

you three make it out of here alive.

I go into the mainframe's hardware layer

and shut the entire system

down from the inside.

But if you go

that deep into the mainframe,

you'll get totally scrambled.

It'll k*ll you.

sh*t, you know that already, don't you?

Because you're a computer.

Yes, and yes.

Technology isn't meant

to live forever, Stat.

Is she watching? Hey, are you watching?

It takes a second, but it's really cool.

Oh, I love this part.

Do not sacrifice yourself for me.

I don't want to live without you.

But you have to.

It's how I can repay you

for what you've given me.

I only wish I could touch you,

that I was flesh and blood

like you and Toluca and Twink

Well, I think Twink had his blood replaced

with helium to help him lose weight.

But listen, I don't care about touching.

I just care about you!

I know, Stat.

So please let me do what I need to do,

save you

by throwing myself at this problem

and letting it obliterate me.

Just like Buffy

In the season five finale of Buffy.

f*ck! This sucks so bad.

I'm never going to meet

anyone like you again, Jacqueline Box.

No, probably not.

Goodbye, Stat.

I love you, dot-com.

On the ground, you're under arrest!

Looks like another case

solved by the Buckster.

Run free, sweet jocks!

I will find you on OnlyFans!

That is a promise!

It just felt like you'd asked me

to put my hard-fought standing

with the AIA on the line.

I know the Agency brass are douchebags,

but this job is my whole life and

I know you've put your faith

in the Agency, Mary,

but you're about to see

your faith is misplaced!

I agree. Your faith has been misplaced.

And you can say goodbye

to your new invisible drones, too!

She bites. She's a human woman who bites.

What the f*ck are you doing here, V?

I know about Caryn.

If you really knew about Caryn,

you wouldn't be doing this.

- Give me the file, Dirk!

- Or what?

At ease, Louisa.

She can't use g*ns anymore.

That's why she works at a desk!

Isn't that right, V?

How the f*ck did you do that?

Some friends have been

helping me sort things out,

and I know you wiped my memory.

What happened to Caryn?

You really want to know?

Fine!

Here's the video

of your final mission together.

Now, you can see

the person you put your faith in.

V? What are you doing?

I'm sorry!

Oh, my God. V

Why? Why did I k*ll her?

That's what I was trying

to protect you from!

Dirk, Mary and Deb

were just following orders.

They're not the ones I'm concerned with.

You just tried to steal state secrets

and fired a g*n at the nation's

highest ranking intelligence officer.

You'll be charged with treason!

I'm sorry, Mary.

Security, we've got a rogue agent!

If you want, I can have

that window patched up in an hour.

Close your eyes! I have a surprise!

I will never fully close my eyes.

Only in death.

Okay, fine, look.

I made you Black Mountain Dew

with my best mascara!

Thanks.

This is actually better

than the real thing, somehow.

Look, Stat, I know you loved it over there

at that evil murderous company

where people got you,

but I wanted you to know

that I get you, too.

I know you do.

I just got caught up

in all that cool stuff over there,

but at least you guys aren't crushing up

a bunch of dudes into face cream.

And that's something.

I'm sorry about Jacqueline.

She was the only girl I ever saw

pulling off bootcut jeans,

so I stan in memoriam.

But you're amazing, Stat!

You'll find someone

to love again really soon.

I don't know.

I think Jacqueline

is the one who got away.

The way she got away

was truly iconic though.

It was kinda like

the season five finale of Buffy.

- Wait, you watch Buffy?

- Of course!

It was kinda weird

when the main character, Cordelia,

disappeared in the fourth season,

but you know the industry.

Actually, I don't.

Um, you know, if you like Buffy,

you'd love Cobblestones.

Ugh, fine. I'll try again for you.

- Are there cheerleaders in it?

- No, but there's

I'm out! I tried but I'm out.

You're not getting anything

at the breakfast buffet?

I saw plenty of lean protein.

I know how you love that for dessert.

I'm not really hungry.

Intellicon didn't really turn out

how we thought it would, huh?

I'm sorry you missed your panels, Deb.

It's okay.

This mile-long fixins bar

is doing what it needs to do.

God,

who knew V had such a dark past?

It's like I didn't even know

my extremely distant,

mysterious mother figure

I only see on a screen every week or so.

There has to be an explanation

for what we just saw.

The V we know

would never k*ll her partner.

But maybe the V we know is a lie.

Have we been right

to trust her this entire time?

And what's Dirk gonna do

to us for being her ally?

As if he didn't already

f*cking hate us enough!

- Eat. You're spiraling.

- I am not spiraling.

Oh, my God, is that pear and brie?

- Oh, my God, it's so good.

- Happy Intellicon, Mary.

Happy Intellicon to us all.