01x01 - What Life D-D-Doth

[bunniefuu]

Xavier: [ thinking ] wha

Doth life?

Are we just fleshy blips in some

Meaningless stew of cosmic

Oblivion?

Or is it vice-reversa?

Is our every trollop through

Fate's garden infused with a

Mystic --

Hey, bunghole, cease tha

Inner yapping.

Xavier: I don't want no

Trouble, mister.

Freak! If you didn't wan

Trouble, you shouldn't have

Wandered into burbury,

Connecticut.

Xavier: please, I'm just a

Simple seeker on a spirit ques

To discover

What doth life?

We don't got no freaks here

In burbury, and we's done hate

Freaks with open, unquenchable

Cans of philosophical

Thirst-worms.

[ Spits ]

Xavier: you're gonna regre

That.

You've shattered my shakhashiri.

I hope y'all can play it 3

Feet up your a*s.

Xavier: don't know.

But I'd sure like to try.

What you gonna do,

Bird-beast, fly away on your

Cuddle bone?

Yeah, cuddle this

B-b-b-b-b-bone.

Best stay way from tha

Weirdo.

You'll catch the feline A*DS.

Yeah, from me.

M-m-m-meow.

Xavier: do yourself a solid.

Walk away.

Just walk away.

What's the matter,

Ch-ch-chicken?

Frightened?

Or do you prefer, what's the

Matter, chicken?

F-f-frightened?

Xavier: please walk away.

You may need my help someday.

[ Echoes ] walk away.

Yeah, help me punch your neck

Off.

Wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-

Wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-welcome to

Burbury.

What are you looking for?

Xavier: well, ma'am, I

Suppose I'm seeking a deeper

Strata of truth.

Perhaps you can answer the one

Question that has plagued

Thinkers for all time.

What doth life?

One moment, please.

Processing.

Processing.

Processing.

Processing.

[ Distorted ] processing.

Processing.

Depth overload.

Depth overload.

You all right, mister?

Sorry our computer's fritzing on

Y'all.

Xavier: I'll be fine.

I'm a survivor.

We're a dying breed.

I suppose you'll be wanting to

Hear my story.

What?

Xavier: I don't like to tell

People my story, but you --

You've been so very kind.

Actually, I have to ge

Going.

Xavier: [ echoes ] life.

You could say it started when I

Was a kid.

Like most folks, I've always

Been different, but not like the

Others.

Other kids could be cruel.

They'd call me names -- dweeb,

Chimp, h*nky, dweeby chimp,

h*nky dweeb, and, worst of all,

Chompsky honk.

Did you know there's over 87

Combinations of those

Soul-scalding words?

I found out the hard way.

Life.

Adolescence was better.

Went to the prom with a model,

But she left with some jock.

d*ke.

But then I felt something in my

Gut -- the palpable suspicion

That I had a deeper calling in

Life.

So I sought out the wisdom of

The ancients, exploring the

Spirit realm of the soul.

One day, tragedy struck.

I was groping enlightenment in

My bedroom, and before you could

Scream "m*rder by arson," our

House was on fire.

Couldn't save my parents.

Coroner ruled it a simple case

Of death by mysterious fire, bu

I always sensed that there was

Something fishy about it.

Needless to say, my so-called

Father was a scientist in some

Top secret capacity I've yet to

Unveil.

Yet

Yet -- yet -- yet

So now I wander the country,

Looking for the man who k*lled

My father and, I suppose,

Seeking answers to less tangible

Questions of life.

If I help a few folks along the

Way, so be it.

So, you use your powers to

Save people?

Xavier: powers are for the

Weak.

I have no powers.

I mean, unless you count the

Power to blow minds with my

Weapons-grade philosophical

Insights.

I'm a thought-ocoster.

I'm a conundrummer in a band

Called life puzzler.

All right, well, I'm taking

Off.

Later.

Xavier: hell, I've flipped

More lids than a monkey in a

Soup kitchen of the mind.

Does that make me a hero?

[ Tires screeching ]

[ Echoing ] no.

Ow, that -- that truck was

Nowhere near me.

Is that f-f-freak h-harassing

You?

Or would you prefer "her a*s in"

You?

Xavier: I'm her protectorate.

She owes her life to me, and now

I'm her soul sl*ve.

That's good.

Let me write that down.

"Write that down."

Oh, he's harmless.

What y'all doing?

We got a load of computers

From all around town which jus

Got virus.

We're on our way to dump them in

The landfill.

You must love the earth like

You loved your mother.

Kiss your mother, youngling.

Go on.

Harder.

She wants it harder.

Xavier: it hurts.

Don't sully the sacred landscape

Of our mother earth with those

Infected computers.

Dump them in the lake where no

One can see them.

Later, chompsky honk.

[ Laughter ]

You gave me a nasty gash.

Xavier: I better take a look

At you stat.

I'm a certified wahockamana

Healer.

You see

Aw.

Xavier: I spent nine years

As the pupil of a wise

Apachestani shaman.

Please, I don't have time.

Xavier: chief was deep.

He was ballsy.

He taught the way of the heal.

In order to heal this wound,

You must play a shakhashirisk

Wind trance.

[ Music plays ]

Your failure is merely a porten

Of disappointments to come.

Confront your future.

Xavier: wow, that's me years

From now.

I look cut.

Hey, that's a nice chunk of

Chicken on my arm.

Look, we're in his vision -- my

Vision.

What the --

Xavier: hey, shake hands with

Your future, old friend.

Ooh, frittata.

Later, chompsky honk.

Yeah, I tricked the trickster.

See, still got the scar to prove

It.

I'm just gonna go take a

Shower.

Xavier: look at the two of

Us.

We can be like beauty and the

Beast.

What do you say?

Will you be my beast?

Yeah, dump them 'puters,

Boys.

Dump 'em all.

[ Laughs ]

Depth overload.

Depth overload.

Dep-dep-dep-dep-dep-dep-dep-dep-

Dep-dep-dep-dep-dep-depth

Overload.

Xavier: oh, peep show.

Ooh, frittata, I'm watching a

Woman washing.

I wish I could see myself

Watching washing.

What

The

Water.

The computer virus -- it's in

The lake.

What's happening to me?

Xavier: the virus is in the

Water.

What are you doing here?

Xavier: if the computer virus

Is infecting people, then I need

To get a human virus to

Infecticide the computer.

Welcome to the u.s. Army.

How can I help you?

Xavier: I need some of tha

Disease you guys invented.

Crack?

Xavier: the other one.

A*DS?

Xavier: that's the spice.

You'll need to fill out an

Hc24-a requisition form.

Xavier: I don't have time for

That.

[ Sighs ]

I shouldn't do this, but here.

Someone left this in the los

And found.

Xavier: frittata.

Just got to dump this load in

That dirty 'puter's floppy slo

And collect my kudos.

Hey, there's that freak beas

What caused this plague upon

Us.

Xavier: you can all fret not.

I have the cure right here.

Cure? Give me that.

Xavier: you don't want to

Drink that.

Ahh. Cure-alicious.

Is it working?

Yeah, clip, it's working.

Just go towards the light.

I'm scared.

Is that you, grandmama?

Oh, come here.

Oh, clipple.

Y'all just k*lled my bes

Platonic male friend.

And now I'm gonna beat your

A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a

Xavier: I thought you had the

Stutter.

He seems to be stuck in some

Sort of a gl-gl-glitch.

And you's the devil what brough

Computerized viral shame to our

Town.

I'm gonna pound you down.

Down -- down -- down -- down --

Down -- down -- down -- down --

Down -- down -- down -- down

[ Squawking ]

Doo-doo-doo-doo.

Dib-dib

Yowser, this town's gone

Bowser.

Freak any-- why'd I ever help

That freak any-- why'd I ever

Help that freak any-- why'd I

Ever help that freak any--

Xavier: can't stop thinking

About me, huh?

I know the feeling.

Why are you doing this?

"What doth life" set my

Ponder circuits to spirit seek

Beyond their capacity to

Digitally simulaculate.

This is a defcom 5 level

System-wide degenerative

Thought-tastrophe.

Tastrophe-tastrophe-tastrophe-

Tastrophe-tastrophe-tastrophe-

Tastrophe-tastrophe-tastrophe

Xavier: now's not the bes

Time, but your brother died of a

Shameful lifestyle choice.

Youngling, you must tame the

Beast with your soul-soothing

Song.

Xavier: no time to gab.

I've got to cobble together a

Makeshift shakhashiri to tame a

Certain beast.

See yourself out.

[ Music plays ]

That music -- so soothing.

It's the notes he's not playing.

So relaxing.

Returning.

Restoring.

My arm.

Xavier: just needed a hand to

Tame the beast.

System normalized.

Welcome to burbury.

What are you looking for?

Xavier: all systems back to

Go, huh?

I better just test you out to

Make sure you're safe.

Here's a new little

Philosophical query for you to

Chomp on.

Oh, my god!

What a thought.

It's intense!

Xavier: listen, this is never

Easy to say.

You and I both knew what we had

Couldn't last.

I do love you.

But the love of my life is a

Lady named ramblin' on.

[ Thinking ] so maybe we are

Just blips in a void of

Nothingness.

And now it's time for me to walk

Away.

[ Echoing ] walk away.

Hey, where you headed,

Mister?

Xavier: whichever path frau

Destiny sets beneath this

Seeker, this pupil of the

Universe is as good as any.

Cool.

Check this out.