05x15 - Wicked Wish

[bunniefuu]

Where'd that come from?

- What in God's name are you doing?
- Nothing.

You're spying on the
whole neighborhood, aren't you?

It's... security.

My own personal high-tech
neighborhood watch.

Since when do thieves break
into people's bathrooms?

Wait a minute.
That's my bathroom.

Don't be such a pride.

Hey, by the way,
nice action with the loofah.

Hey. Check out Gary.

Eww!

Lis, Lis, this is wrong.
You shouldn't eavesdrop.

It's an invasion of privacy--
not to mention you

might hear something
that you shouldn't and...

Is that my mother?

So I looked him straight in the eye,
and I said "Marharishi,

- I will if you will."
- [ all laughing ]

Oh, my, my empty.

Oh, fellas, please.

You can carry the glass
you can pour and you?

You can count the bubbles.

So, Marcia, what do you hear
about our new neighbor Ms. White?

You mean Neve?
Well, I hate to gossip

but I hear she's never been
married she lives alone with her cat

and she's a high school
guidance counselor.

Add that up and
I'm not sure what you get

but I think it rhymes with "old braid'?

- [ doorbell chimes ]
- Oh, speak of the devil.

I'll get that, dear.

Seriously, we should all be kind and
just welcome her with open arms.

Just treat her
the way you would treat...

- WAYNE: My new neighbor Neve.
- Champagne?

...me.

WYATT:
Ooh, I know that look.

Dad's in big trouble.

This is great!

Everyone at the party tonight
was certainly taken with Neve.

Mm-hmm.

Do you think I should wear
my air like hers?

Um... sure.

Oh, so you think
she's prettier than me?

I never said that.

Well, you said her hair
was better than mine.

Okay.
I see where this is going.

Look, why don't I just
save us both a lot of time

- and head on out to the couch now?
- Oh, wait, honey.

You don't have to leave.

You know, I'm still a little
tipsy from the champagne.

I've got to catch a plane in six hours.
I need the sleep.

But...

Man, how can Mom feel
old and unattractive?

- She's still pretty?
- Hey, you're asking the wrong genie.

I don't find the human form
very appealing to begin with.

What?

You evolved one step
too far for my taste.

Monkeys--
they got it going on.

Huh?

Where do you think they got
the expression "hot monkey love"?

Lisa, I want you to make my mom
feel young and pretty again.

Sure.

I am going to zap
your mom's mirror-- boom.

So when she looks into it
she see herself

as young and pretty
and feels good right here.

- Got it?
- Got it.

Hmm.
Maybe I'll skip that mudpack tonight.

Lis, we done good.
She's happier already.

- Thanks.
- No sweat.

Now, could you stop snooping?
I would like to go to bed.

Okay.

Am I the sexiest lady in town
or what?

MIRROR:
Not yet... my Queen.

But by the time I finish with you
they will all bow down to your...

beau-tay?
[ laughter ]

Oh...

Do go on.

Mm-mm-mm.

Baby, you look good today.

Before I'm through, you are gonna be
the foxiest female on the dance floor.

Gonna be? Gonna be?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, I see your problem.

[ blowing ]

Better now?

Well, smell her.

Wake-up call, Queenie.
You ain't the finest piece of China yet.

- Well, then who the hell is?
- There's a whole flock

of she-gulls out there who struck it
rich in the DNA Lotto.

And most of them can't
imagine life before MTV.

All these girls are younger and prettier?

I can't complete with all that.

Chill, baby.

I said I'd take care of it, didn't I?

And the mirror always
keeps his promise, right?

You just need a few accessories.

Now, you see that, uh,
ruby red down there?

You want someone out
of the beauty pageant, right?

Now, you take that pucker paint
and give her the "no smoking" sign.

[ laughing heartily ]

Goodbye, Miss Congeniality.

[ laughing ]

And I know just where to start.

I'm telling you--
this Ms. White is Ms White not.

That's what I've been saying
since we were freshman.

You want me to visit the guidance
counselor give me some incentive.

I think my academic career needs
a long, slow counseling session.

MARCIA:
Pity.

She was so young and beautiful.

- Ms. White?
- Ms. White?

Where'd she go?

[ evil laughter ]

Man, this is the worst day
of school I ever had.

No kidding?

First we miss coping a peek at Ms White.

Then second period,
Jeannie Burns is gone.

That was okay. I slept.

But last period there were no girls at all.
I actually had to pay attention.

Come to think of it Gina Brown
was out last period, too.

[ chattering ]

Well, at least you can count on the
cheerleaders for that midmorning lift.

Whoo!
The blood just left my head.

Lisa?

Lisa.

Lisa, something weird is going on at...!

[ snickering ]

It's Candyland.

Oh, oh, ooh...

for years I've only been
undressing them with my eyes.

Don't even think about it.

Now, look, we've got to find Lisa
and fix this before Mom comes home.

Oh, but I am home.

- [ evil laughter ]
- [ thunderclap ]

- Mom?
- Eww.

You will address me as
"Highness..." or "Queen."

"Your Loveliness" would be nice,
but not "Mom."

Well, what do you think?

- Shouldn't you...
- Be at work?

My work surrounds you.
Don't you like it?

[ stammering ]

It's nice, but it's be better
if they were naked.

- [ buzzing ]
- Whoops.

Soon there will be
none left fairer than I.

Uh...

Mom?

I'm sorry. Highness---

you, uh, you can't go around
turning people into statues.

So you don't approve?
You think I've made a mistake?

Well, perhaps I'll make another mistake--
perhaps two more mistakes.

Would this be a good time
to flee in terror?

I'm right behind you.

I have done as you instructed.

Am I now the tastiest tart
on the desert try?

Honey, you k*ll!

[ giggling ]

...but the mirror cannot tell a lie.

There's still one more Stone Fox
in the Chicken Coop.

Well... then let's be rid of her.

Ain't going ot be that easy, babe.
This one's got magic of her own.

Who is this evil sorceress
that I have yet to vanquish?

Behold!

[ gasps ]

But don't you worry.
Miss magical things has

an achilles' heal and I know
how to get her pumps off.

[ evil laughter ]

WOMAN 1: So you want
to meet him at the salad bar?

WOMAN 2:
Yeah. I'd love to.

MAN 1: He told you about
the treasure and then he died?

MAN 2: Kicked the bucket.
Well, where'd he bury it?

Underneath a big "W," Santa Rosita,
California and the big "W" is a...

- [ static ]
- Oh...

that makes me... so mad.

Mad, mad, mad.

MARCIA:
Young lady...

Young lady, are you interested
in sampling some free ice cream?

Free ice cream?

As in ice cream
I don't even have to pay for?

Would I.

Wait a second.

Why would anyone
just give away ice cream?

Oh, not just any ice cream.
Super chunky chango--

double fat, double cream,
double delicious.

I don't know.
I shouldn't really

take something in an open
container from a complete stranger.

But it comes with this
cute little wooden spoon.

Ooh, gimme.

Mmm.

[ evil laughter ]

[ thunderclap ]

Stop pushing me.

I'm not going back in there
while Satan's daughter...

- Sorry.
- ...your mom is still on the loose.

We have to.

We need Lisa,
and we can't find her.

We have to get to my computer
and call her up the old-fashioned way.

Hope I remember the password.

- Wasn't it, "Lisa"?
- Oh, yeah.

Ooh...

"Double cream, double fat."

Lisa wouldn't leave a pint
of this lying around.

Something is horribly,
horribly wrong.

This is great.
My life is a twisted fairy tale.

My mom's a wicked witch,
and my genie's in a deep freeze.

If this were Disney movie now
I'd sing a moving ballad ot a cup.

It is a fairy tale--
Like "Snow White."

That means we can wake
Lisa up with a kiss.

Hot dog. Here, bud.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Hold on.

Only a kiss from a prince
can awaken Snow White.

I'm the son of the Queen--
Evil Queen.

I'm still a prince.

Step aside.

Maybe you were adopted.

Maybe I'm not the right prince.

Maybe we...

- Oh, hell.
- What?

We need the Queen's first-born.

Chett?
You want Chett to kiss her?

It's worth a shot.
Come on, come on.

It was a mistake to return.

[ evil laughter ]

Your mom's kind of hot
when she does that.

Prepare to be transformed
into my manservants.

Dwarfs.
She's going ot turn us into dwarfs.

[ chuckling ]:
Oh, goodness no. Dwarfs?

I've never heard anything
quite so ludicrous.

I'm turning you into winged monkeys.

Whoo!
Something is funky in cheektown.

I think she got me.

I think she got us both.

- Do I have a tail?
- Yup.

You're not going to be too thrilled
about your shiny red butt either.

Huh? Ohh!

Psst!

Chett, come here!

Chett!

[ snorts ]

Holy monkeys.

- We're in big trouble.
- We need your help.

Oh, back up, chim-chim.

I'm attached ot my smooth,
creamy, human backside.

You two can solve
your own little problems.

The tails move?

Hey, outstanding.
What do I do to get one?

Just follow me.

Hey, a quarter.

Hey, can you open a beer can
with one of those?

WYATT:
Go on, Chett, kiss her.

You don't have to tell me twice.

Stand back and watch
these princely lips...

work their magic.

What's the problem?

You're not being charming.
Princes are supposed to be charming.

Gotcha. Charm.

I can do charm.
Lisa, without you...

the moon has lost its luster
the flowers refuse to bloom.

Lisa, bless us once again
with the radiance of your smile.

- Crap.
- Will she ever wake up?

- I don't know.
- Wake up, will you?

There's stuff I never got to tell you.
Important stuff.

Deep stuff. You know?

Stuff.

What kind of stuff?

You were faking?!
You were awake already?!

Yup. First kiss did it.

- Heard everything.
- I didn't mean a word of it.

- So there.
- Did, too.

- Did not.
- Hello?

Evil Queen in the master bedroom.

- You guys look great.
- Yeah, yeah.

No, I mean it.
Both of you.

Absolutely great.
They look like monkeys.

- Don't I know it.
- Woof!

Lis!
We got to stop my mom!

Anything you say.

So... you have broke my spell,

turned my sons against me
and are intent on my destruction.

Now we will see whose magic
is the stronger.

Okay, zap-hag.
You want to fight?

Let's go.

♪ Get busy, get busy! ♪

Our magic is as great as mine.

It takes more than firepower
to win a hoodoo showdown.

It requires experience...
cleverness and lightning-fast refleves.

Oh?

I'll try to keep that in mind.

Crisp.

Hey. Magic mirror--
eat hot paperweight.

- Didn't hurt!
- What happened?

The magic's grown too strong.

Marcia's the only one who
can break the mirror now.

And a fat chance at that.

So now young magic genie
you will die!

You think getting rid of Lisa
will make you

the fairest in all the land
but you're wrong!

Beauty isn't how you look.

It's what you are and
you've got what counts--

Experience, wisdom...
Yeah, Mr. D.

You got everything--

A career, a loving husband
two kids that look up to you.

Marcia, please.
I know you're not evil.

You can't be. You're my mom.

She's a Queen, you little fool why would
she settle to be your silly a*s mother.

- When she could be so much more.
- Silly a*s?

How dare you.
What I do is not silly a*s.

I have dedicated my life to
the welfare of my children.

If you're not beautiful,
you're nothing.

You need me to make you beautiful.

No!
I don't need squat from you.

[ screaming ]

Oh!

Wyatt? Chett?

What happened?

I must have blacked out or something.

How do you feel, Mom?

Young. I feel young.

I feel as though all my insecurities
have just melted away.

Who's she?

For me? Please?

We're not letting you zap us
back into monkeys.

Just the bottom half.

I'll make it worth your while.

- No.
- No.

Hey, Lis.

Want to see a movie?

- You got to be kidding.
- That's pretty pathetic.

So... what's playing?