05x14 - School Spirits

[bunniefuu]

Picture this, the Patteron's pool,
fancy speedboat ablaze,

the hamster laid out on the tiny
deck chair, sailing off to Valhalla.

We're not giving Wyatt's hamster
a viking funeral.

- Trigger's dead?
- We didn't know how to tell you.

How did it happen?
Give it to me straight.

Loose hub on the exercise wheel.

Poor little guy never knew
what hit him.

Oh, man.

I know this is a difficult time
of great loss for you

but I really think if we gave him a
viking funeral it would take the sting out.

It's not fair. I never even
got a chance to say goodbye.

Lis, is there anything
you can do to help?

Consider it done.

- What the...?
- She k*lled us.

I'd be quick with those goodbyes.

You've got 90 seconds before
extensive brain damage sets in.

Tch tch tch.

Something I've always wanted
to tell you,

but the moment ever seemed right.

So here goes. Trigger, I...

Where are you going?

I wasn't finished.

Ungrateful little weeny.

Now for the fun part.

- Ugh!
- Ugh!

Ooh, almost lost you there.

In the future, can we have final
approval before you m*rder us?

It gives me great pleasure to
officially announce the refurbishing

of Farber High's delapidated
eye-sore of a west wing

into a state of the art
full service library facility.

Hey, Scampi! How about a
state of the art poke in the eye?

- Who the hell is that?
- I don't know but I like her style.

Filtered air continuously piped in.

How would you like
my foot piped into your bum?

Good one.

What do you know?
A ghost. Let's get her.

Say, uh, Gary,
do you remember having

the uncarry supernatural ability
to see ghostly appartitions before?

Now that you mention it, no.

Relax will ya.
Probably just a touch of deadsight.

A residual effect of
your jaunt to the afterlife.

Aah!

She's getting away!

It's clammy. We're close.

- Do you fell that?
- Yeah, my neck hairs are arching.

- Ooh!
- Aah! - Aah!

Fermaldahyde!

Tacky!

Go ahead, captain ghost chaser.

Ah! Ah, I'm scared now.

Probably just some bad cheese.

Aah!

- Aah!
- Aah!

Boo!

Ah ha ha!

- Aah!
- Aah!

Knock it off.
You're scaring him.

Oh, the big bad Gary scared
the poor little headless corpse.

If you're looking for your head
it's in the fridge.

Watch the eyes.

Oh, way too freaky.

Sorry, didn't mean to scare ya.

But I did. Boo! Boo, go away!
Student's don't belong here.

Never mind, love.

He's a born rule follower,
he's a little freaky that way.

Follower?
I founded this school.

I made the rules you snot nosed hippie.

Why do you hate me?
I love you. I love everybody.

- That's why I hate you.
- Lay off, fuss pot!

Fuss pot? At least I'm not
the moron who cut his own head off.

Geez, one slip up with a band saw
and everyone labels you a moron.

Hey, it's Mr Kabaysa.
You're a legend in shop class, man.

If I saved even one other head
from being cut off it was worth it.

Why don't you cut your tongue off.
What's the scuttle butt on our lounge?

It's official,
Scampi's tearing it down.

This is our home.

Maybe we can help.
I'm a magic genie.

Magic genie? Far out.

Imagine you can do
all sorts of amazing things.

You would, wouldn't ya?

Who needs magic,
we've got ghosts here.

Let's get them to haunt Scampi.

"To Nicole, don't forget
who gave you

your first set of wheels
Happy Birthday Uncle Clive."

Page 3 and up.

Yee-haw!

Turning right here,
get out of the way!

Boo! Boo! Boo!
I'm a haunted painting.

Don't build your library
or you'll see me again,

sometime, soon. Boo!

Curious,
I'll be going this way now.

That was embarrasing.

Come and play with us, Clive.

Forever and ever and ever.

- Man!
- Raincheck.

Yes!

Cafeteria!

Split pea soup,
it's on every Thursday!

Whoo! Safe, not even
the most henious apparition

would dare to violate the sanctity
of a locked bathroom stall.

- Guess again.
- Aah!

Leave our lounge alone!

What do you want from me?

If the teachers lounge is destroyed,
we will haunt you forever.

Oh, no.
Not the unholy, swirly.

- Abandon your plans.
- Alright you win.

I promise
I won't build the new library.

Whoo!

I bet you Scampi's on the phone
firing the contractors right now.

You've got to help me I'm being
haunted by murderous ghosts.

Ghosts you say?
Describe the apparitions.

Any exploding heads, melting flesh,
eye sockets oozing maggots.

Well, they did try to give me a swirly.

I deal with the real violent entities.

If you've got a problem
with swirly's call your mommy.

But there was a disembodied head
in the toliet.

Was the toliet filled with blood?

Yeah, sure, blood, brains,
whatever, just get over here.

I'll be there.

Mother, I'm going out.

Hey, check it out.
A note from the ghosts.

"Thanks for all your help.
We've left you a gift in the locker."

Trigger! Daddy missed you.

And this time I'm not going
to wait to tell you how much I--

What the hell was that?

Boys, are you alright?

Lucky my g*n slinging ghost hunter
vaporized the nasty spectre vermin.

He k*lled my dead hampster.

You breathers better clear out.
I got a job to do.

And I'd hate to k*ll anything
that ain't already dead.

You heard the man,
he's got a job to do,

make this school as clean,
as people say.

Let's rock 'n' roll!

We've got to get that guy before
he blows our friends to kingdom come.

Okay, game plan.
Gary and I will go talk to Scampi

and Lis, you handle to
psycho raving lunatic.

I don't want to.
He smells like formeldahyde trade ya.

- No way.
- Just go.

They're really not bad ghosts.
They love this school.

All they want is to keep
their teachers lounge.

The teachers lounge?
That's where they live?

Yeah.

So, if I were looking for the ghosts,

the teachers lounge is
where I might find them.

Sure bet.

All I said was the ghosts were in
the teachers lounge stop hitting me.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Could you direct me to
the teachers lounge, please.

Sure, just follow my zap.

Ah, looky looky, a magical being.
Judging from the pattern and blue color

I'd say you're a computer genie
capable of spontanious

lightning magic which of course is
no match for my mojo chicken bones.

Creepy.

You know, you should talk
to the ghosts. You'd like them.

Like them? Yes, the way
they made the cafeteria

a barf of pea soup particulary charming.

So if there's nothing more.

I'm afraid you leave us
with no choice.

My model!

My model!

Stop, my model!

You don't have to carry around
that big g*n just to impress me.

I like a guy with a heart.

And I know somewhere beneath
that hard shell

and those snake tattoos
you're really just a regular guy.

I like you.
You want to go out for pie?

Great, let's do pie.

As soon as I terminate these ghosts.

- Pick you up at 8:00.
- But I need pie now.

Damn!

Here's your precious model.

Huh?

What?

This way Scampi and the ghosts
will have to work it out.

Realeasing anger is
the first step to communication.

Will he live to see the second step?

Anybodies guess.

[ arguing ghosts ]

I'm scary, really scary!

I was only trying to
build a library for the kids.

[ whistling ] Cool it,
what are we going to this poor man.

Thank you, thank you,
kind and beautiful spirit.

Beautiful?

- Off with his head!
- No.

Whatever happened
to make love, not w*r?

I'm prepared to love this man.

Love is good. Give me love.

Has it occured to anyone
that maybe we're the ones

being selfish to this wonderfully
dedicated educator.

Selfish?
We're being evicted from our home.

- Hack his head off.
- No, no, no!

We can work it out.
Tell him, miss, uh, didn't get your name.

Petula.

- Clive.
- Do you believe in free love, Clive?

Free wild covered in mud love,
that's me.

I know I said I would go for pie,
but I have to wash my hair tonight,

my dog died, my mom's visiting,
I'm seeing somebody.

We're not letting you
get through that door.

Yeah, you're not hurting our friends.

- Voodoo!
- Stand firm.

It can only hurt you
if you believe in it.

- Oh!
- Oh!

So if we build a new library
in the east wing.

No, no the east wing, that's where
Mr Henderson the drama coach lurks.

He popped a blood vessel yelling Stella
in the 62 production of street car.

OK, how about the south annex them?

No good.


Took out the whole egg
headed lot of them.

Fine.
Is there a single spook free zone

in the whole school where
we can build the new library.

How about over the old library?

Now there is an idea.

There are no ghosts here.

Tell that to my thermal guage.

It knows that ghosts are very cold.

Why don't you tell us dreams to me?

Fantasy will set you free.

Stop, these are friendly spirits.

I'd step aside if I were you.

Don't you dare threaten me.
Your services are no longer required.

That's okay.
I'm not in it for the money.

It's more of a hobby.

You don't frighten me,
you little pissant!

Go fly near and far,
fly away from here.

You don't know what we can find.

Why don't you come with me
on a magic carpet ride.

That's an old song.

I sed to teach that
in music appreciation class.

- Miss Petula?
- Tommy Murdock? Ah!

You were my favorite teacher.

You turned me onto rock.

From there I slipped into
drugs and devil worship.

I've always wanted to thank you.

Is that little Tommy?

Oh, my gosh!
Remember me boy.

That's right. Mr Kabas, Tommy,
was the one who discovered my body.

Yeah, yeah. I remember.
That's what pushed me over the edge.

Gee, it's great to see you guys again.

So you've not going to
send them into oblivion?

No. Even through every dark
thing inside me tell me to.

I can't.

These ghosts were my teachers.
They worked tirelessly day after day.

Shaping my mind,
preparing me for the road ahead.

They made me the man I am today.

Ah, the rich rewards
of the teaching profession.

Around my 8th birthday
was when I discovered

the wonder of putting bugs
under my magnnefying glass,

slugs that kind of thing.

Then I discovered
the power of beezabub.

Do you like the pie?

Want some more?

How about you, Mom?