05x11 - I, Chettus

[bunniefuu]

Late, late, late!

Citizens,
I see that you are not

in your assigned
home forums this morning.

Um, we're late because...

- You're wearing a... toga.
- Yes, I am.

And in the future
I trust you'll pay

closer attention to the
school dress code, as well.

Carry on... citizens.

[ Bell rings ]

Is it just me or has our
universe been slightly altered?

That, or it's toga day.

Hey. Is it toga day?

- More like toga world.
- Lis, what did you do?

How come whenever
you find yourself

in some new fantastic reality,
it's always my fault?

You're right.

Maybe my gaseous burps ripped
a hole in the space-time continuum.

It could've been anybody.
It could've been...

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy, what?

Chett.

Chett asked to go on an
adventure in ancient Rome.

He promised to be good.

I ought to have
my head examined.

Once we find the history hopper
we can go and get Chett.

If we find out what he did
to screw up the timeline,

maybe we can fix it.

Anti-gravity beanie.

History hopper.

Oh!

WYATT:
Ancient Rome, here we come.

Okay, keep your eyes peeled for
whatever Chett did to alter history.

Remember, it may be something
so small we might not notice.

A single slender thread pulled
from the intricate tapestry of time.

- Like this matchbook?
- Exactly! Like that matchbook.

[ People clamoring ]

Or that jeep.

Hey, freaks
what are you doing here?

[ Disco music playing ]

Chett, what are you doing?

I told you not to meddle
with the past.

- You're destroying our future.
- Your future, pit-lick, not mine.

I'm not going back.
This place is a bronze-age party zone.

- Chett, listen.
- I'm not Chett anymore.

I'm Chettus Maximus
mystic traveler from another land.

Bringer of magic and wonder.

Here you go.

Wards off evil spirits.

Now, if you'll excuse me
I have a wet toga contest to judge.

- He'll need a water boy.
- Stay focused.

If we want to fix history we have
to decontaminate the timeline.

We need to collect everything
Chett brought back with him.

[ Horn honking ]

MAN:
Hey, let me ride it!

This may be harder than I thought.

Where are the others?

You did tell them there was
a sl*ve revolt meeting today.

Yes, Bodacious,
but most of our followers

were out partying
with Chettus Maximus all night.

The suicide squad
has the dry heaves.

How am I supposed to stoke
the fires of rebellion

when the oppressed masses
are too drunk to know

how oppressed they are?

[ Slurping ]

[ Loud belch ]

Chettus is ruining everything.

Come on, guys. One more,
we got ourselves a hack.

Are you Chettus Maximus?

- You got it.
- You're under arrest.

Hey! Easy, pal.

Okay, I was being greedy.

The emperor wants a cut, right?

- I'm cool with that.
- Shut up.

All bow down before his mighty
and omnipotent highness

smiter of his enemies
potent and all-powerful

ruler of Rome Emperor Timidius.

Are you quite sure
he's all chained up?

- Yes, my liege.
- Ah.

[ Fanfare playing ]

So... you are Chettus Maximus.

At last, I meet the man who
has so bewitched my subjects.

Excuse me, Your Mightiness.
I didn't mean to...

Silence!

Do you not know who I am?

I am Timidius, the greatest warrior
this empire has ever known.

Observe.

[ Snaps finger ]

Yes, you.

Come forward.

Observe while I dispatch
our mightiest warrior

in hand-to-hand combat.

[ Whispering ]

So you see, Chettus
you'd best not trifle with me

- if you value your life.
- Uh...

Okay.

Now, tell me the truth.

Have you been sent here to
assassinate me and to seize my throne?!

Hell, no, Emperor.

You've got nothing to worry about.

I just came here to party
and I brought you gifts.

Gifts?

I rather like gifts.

What sort of gifts?

These are pork rinds.
They're a delicacy in my land.

A delicacy, you say.

I am feeling a bit peckish.

Oh, my.
It doesn't taste like anything.

Air.

- I can't stop, you know.
- They're delicious.

They're very bad, actually,
but... may I have another?

Thank you.

What are we going to do?

Chettus has won the
favor of the emperor.

Well, then I must gain
the favor of Chettus.

I will sacrifice my body
for the rebellion.

What do you think?

I think you're a jerk.

You're stupid.
What a pig.

Bite me.

Why should I trade you
my mystic oracle?

The cow says...
[ Cow mooing ]

Yea, it speaks the truth.
The cow does say, "moo."

With the power
of this all-knowing device

I will be unbeatable
on the b*ttlefield.

Look, the cow goes moo,
the pig goes oink.

You know that stuff.
What you really need are these.

Magic beans.

Magic beans?

Plant them and a magic vine
will grow.

Yes? And... then you...

Gird your loins with the vine
and you will be invincible.

Hmm.
All right, it's a deal.

- Magic beans?
- Tic tacs.

You are right, Chettus.
This side is tingling.

Takes care of them flakes, too.

Another cold one, your worship?

Oh, Chettus, you have
brought me many wonders.

This box of tiny minstrels.
These oil-sodden treats.

Tough-actin' tinactin.

Please accept...

This sl*ve girl as a token
of my thanks.

I am Bodacious.

You certainly are.

I have to have that hand.

I'll trade you 20 magic beans for it.

Oh, but this is the largest hand
in all of Rome.

When I raise it, others follow.
When I wave it, legions cheer.

Not for all the magic beans
in Rome would I part with it.

Okay, but beware--
others covet the giant hand.

Even now enemies of the
giant hand conspire against you

plotting to sever it from your arm.



- Five.
- Done.

So, trying to peddle
your phony magic beans

to some other unsuspecting victim?

I planted those beans
and nothing happened.

- Did you water them?
- Naturally.

With goat's blood?

Don't tell me
how to grow magic beans!

Take them away!

The lions will eat well tonight.

You just made a big mistake, pal.

You'll rue the day you tangled
with the magic bean lady.

GARY:
You're making a mistake!

- Come on, let us out of here!
- You're in big trouble, pal.

Okay, look, we'll worry
about fixing the timeline later.

Right now, just zap us
out of here.

What's that?

Since electricity hasn't
been harnessed, I'm powerless.

That's why I brought this
battery pack-- to power my magic.

I can also see if my nose is shiny.

Hang on.

To your togas.

Damn! I knew I should have
used those bunny batteries.

[ Fanfare plays ]

All bow down before the potent
and all-powerful master of Rome

wrathful and merciless
smiter of his enemies...

Yes. Quite all right.
All that's very nice, yes.

Uh... ahem.

My people,
today I present to you

the newest member
of my high council.

You know him as a purveyor
of mirth and magic.

I know him as my loyal ally
and new "bud," Chettus Maximus.

[ Crowd cheers ]

Oh, my goodness.

Not really hurting him.

Thank you all.

I feel like I finally
found a place where I belong.

Lovely, lovely.

And to say thanks to all of you
my bud, Timidius, and I

are going to throw a ten-keg beer
and ribs blow-out

- at the palace this afternoon!
- [ Crowd cheers ]

Be there or be flayed alive
by the royal torturer.

[ Crowd gasps ]

I'm just kidding. Just kidding.
I'm kidding.

Like he does. Wonderful.

Oh, my, what's this?

Everyone do this.
Churn the butter.

You, churn the butter.

That's right, funky fresh.

Everyone's very funky now.
Let's all churn the butter.

♪ ...Get down tonight. ♪

I have a plan to reignite
the fury of the masses.

Chettus Maximus is the most popular
man in the whole of Rome, correct?

- He's an unstoppable party chariot.
- Verily.

But... what if he were to die
at Emperor Timidius's hand?

Then the people would have
a reason to hate the emperor again.

Chettus would be a martyr
and our rebellion would flourish.

But how are we going to
get the emperor to k*ll him?

Oh, leave that...

To me.

Chettus must die
for our cause to live.

Remember this moment, brothers.

For together, we shall change
the course of history.

[ Men cheering ]

- Knock his block off!
- Oh, my.

Oh, my, this new form of combat
is quite thrilling, Chettus.

Wait till later.
I got twister.

- Oh, twister, very good.
- Master.

Your beer bash
really is a great success.

There's only one thing missing.

You in a tub of hummus
wearing a pita bread bikini?

These stimulating magic crystals.

The pop rocks?

You must let the emperor try them.

He didn't really go for
the atomic fireballs.

Oh, trust me.
He loves surprises.

He'll go mad over these.

[ Crowd cheering ]

Oh-oh.

[ Squeaky voice ]:
Off with his head.

[ All cheer ]

[ Loud thud ]

[ All cheer ]

- Hey, Emp.
- Hmm?

- Try a mouthful of these.
- Oh, very good.

[ Fizzing and crackling ]

Oh, by the gods, my mouth!
It's possessed by evil pixies!

Take it easy.
It's just candy.

Wash it down with something.

[ Groaning and gagging ]

It is the plague!
Chettus has poisoned the emperor!

Guards, guards!
Take him!

Bodacious, what are you doing?

No! This is a mistake!
It's not the plague!

They're pop rocks!

- Sire, are you all right?
- Mmm, mmm.

Chett.

It's about time.

- Now get us out of here.
- Me? No can help.

Lisa, one zap special to go.

Don't get me started on that.

Eew.

Et tu, Chettus?

It was that slutty sl*ve girl.
She set me up.

Enough lies!

I thought we were friends, Chettus.

An emperor doesn't make
very many friends, you know.

You think it's easy
for me to make friends?

But you and me, we're buds.

I believe you, Chettus.

I believe you are my friend.

And friends don't k*ll friends, right?

Actually, it's quite common in Rome.

I had to poison my own
father to get this job.

Centurion, read the prisoners
their sentences.

"Lisa Curvaceous, Gary Scrawnius
and Wyatt Donnely

"the penalty for selling
counterfeit magic beans... death."

"Chettus Maximus, the penalty
for attempting

- to assassinate the emperor..."
- Come on, community service.

"Slow death."

Damn.

Ya! Ya!

Whoa! Whoa!

Easy.

Whoa. Whoa.

Countrymen!

Chettus Maximus has attempted to
assassinate your beloved emperor.

Only by the indomitable strength
of my mighty warrior's heart

was I able to withstand his poison.

They were pop rocks,
for crying out loud!

Nice try, Chettus.
Let's get ready to rumble.

Yeah!

Ha!

[ Yelling ]

Run, you scared little chicken.

Run, you bandy-legged little woman.

Run away from me.

Don't k*ll him yet.
I'm rather enjoying this.

I'm all a-tingle.
Back, prisoner!

[ Yells ]
Run, little white-legged man.

Run away from me.
Run him down.

Crush him.
Run him down.

I can't watch.

[ Engine sputtering ]

[ Engine stops ]

Drive! Drive!
Crush him, you sodden bit of Clay.

- Drive this stupid thing.
- We cannot, my liege.

Oh! Very well.

I suppose we'll have to do this
the old-fashioned way.

Release the lions.

I don't know
if that's a good idea...

Do not question, my orders!
Unleash the lions!

Yes, my lord.

Unleash the lions.

[ Growling ]

[ Crowd yelling ]

[ Meows ]

- [ Crowd laughs ]
- [ Cub meows ]

Oh!
Cute baby lion.

What is this?

Where are
my flesh-rending maneaters?

They had a full plate
of jaywalkers this morning.

We're trying to train the young ones,
help them develop a taste for it.

Oh, this day.

I suppose we'll just
have to disembowel him.

Yes, disembowel him!

LISA:
Wait.

Why have the others do your k*lling?
Are you not a mighty warrior?

You boast of crushing the spines of
your enemies with your bare hands.

Well, I-I...

I don't crush them so much
as just sort of misalign them a bit.

Why not smite this peon
with one blow of your sword?

Face him in a fair fight.

Smite him!
Smite him!

Lisa, hello?
I don't think this is really helping.

Well, I certainly could k*ll
this rapscallion myself.

Oh. Uh... excuse me.

You didn't let me finish.

I was going to say whereas
I certainly could k*ll

Chettus myself I have decided to
show mercy instead and spare his life.

That's okay.
I'll fight you.

- [ Crowd yells ]
- Not necessary.

Quite... quite unnecessary.

It's spoken like
a true warrior, though.

True warrior, like myself.

But lucky for you, you strange,
strange little man.

I just don't have the bloodlust
boiling in my veins this afternoon.

- I grant Chettus his freedom!
- [ Cheering ]

The day's... the day's
festivities are far from over.

We will continue with the execution
of the magic bean felons.

- Release the jackals.
- [ Gasps ]

The lions ate them, sire.

Ah. Well, in that case,
I sentence them...

To...

Community service.

[ Crowd cheering ]

Hey.
Good thing Chett's jeep battery

had enough juice to zap us back.

I just hope we managed
to get history back on track.

Scampi.

Gentlemen, I'm glad to see
you decided to join

in the spirit of history week.

But "swords and sandals:
a celebration of ancient Rome"

was yesterday.

Was yesterday.