05x07 - Show Chett

[bunniefuu]

[ honks horn ]

- Where're you heading?
- Anywhere you are, sugar.

Climb in.

You could snuggle up a
little closer here, sweet cakes.

I wish I had the time--
really--

but the only thing I need under me
right now is a few more miles.

Where you going?

- Vegas.
- Oh, yeah?

You a gambler?

I'm a dancer.

CHETT: Dual air bags,
smooth ride firm rear suspension...

import of the year.

First time I've given it
to a korean model.

- You're disgusting.
- Oh, come on.

Maria's won two years in a row.

- It's someone else's turn.
- Women are not sex objects.

They're people-- with feelings.

Back me up here, Wy.

What?

Whatever happened
to treating woman with respect?

I treat women the way
they want to be treated.

Oh. I've got to hear this.

Who wouldn't want
to be a sex object?

LISA:
You really don't have a clue, do you?

I know what I know
and I know I'd love to be ogled.

Go ahead.
Think of me as a piece of meat.

Undress me with your eyes.
Get hot of my body.

I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.

Well, since you're telling me.

- Lis, should I ask?
- Chett wanted to be ogled.

[ dance music playing ]

- Ooh...
- WOMAN: What's happening, cowboy?

Note to myself:
got to stop pissing off that genie.

- Boo!
- Hey, where you going?

- Yeah...
- Boo...

Come on, show us something.

- Boo!
- Boo!

- Lis, he's being totally humiliated.
- Hush. I'm ogling him.

- Anyone got change for a dollar?
- [ laughter ]

- You owe me 50 cents.
- [ laughter ]

- Here's your 50 cents.
- [ audience oohing and ahhing ]

Aim it over here.

- Yeah! Come on!
- Whoo!

Well, hello, Mr. Lincoln.

sh**t, yeah.

Whoo!

[ women cheering ]

If he licks the pole,
I'm going to hurl.

Any minute now the humiliation
will kick in.

Yep. Any minute.

CHETT:
Vegas!

Sin City.

Stripping capital of the world.

The only place
I can realize my true destiny--

To be... a dancer...
a show boy... a star.

All right, dancers,
everyone over here.

- You look nervous. First time?
- Yeah.

Hell, I been in the John
for an hour reliving lunch.

A happy meal is no joy
on the return trip.

I'm sure you'll do just fine.

My name is Xybo,
and you'd be...

- Chett Donnelly, right?
- That's me.

- Your legs aren't shaved.
- Am I supposed to?

- I didn't know.
- No, no. No big deal, no big deal.

At least you don't have to live
with these saddlebags.

Oh...
I like your... thighs.

Really? Thanks.

You just jumped
to the head of the line.

Oh, wait a minute, wait.

There. Perfect.

You knock 'em dead.

[ dance music playing ]

[ applause ]

[ sighs ]

I don't know what you call that,
boy-o, but it ain't dancing.

It's magic.

My name's Lily.
I own the place.

- You're hired.
- Oh, wow!

I... I mean, thank you.

Come on,
I'll show you the ropes.

These are the ropes
and these are the whips

and these are the chains.

Don't forget to sign them out.

You're responsible
for your costumes and makeup.

You got any questions
ask one of the other dancers.

Buck. Bolt. Grit.

Stand aside, Peons.

- Who's that?
- That's Ramses. He's our headliners.

Stay out of his way,
you'll get along fine.

You can set up here.

But Lily, this is my table.
It's always been my table.

You're through, Flex, washed up.

Your abs are shot and you can
barely hang on to the pole.

I told you it wouldn't last forever.
Now get out.

[ whimpers ]

You have stars in your eyes, all right.
Protect them.

- Don't burn too bright, young star.
- Get out.

I don't want to cause a fuss.

No fuss, Chett.

Lily takes care of her dancers...
especially her favorite.

ANNCOUNCER:
Let's give it up for Chett.

We're done with the teasing.
On with the pleasing.

- You know what you want--
- Ramses! Ramses!

Coming through.

Hey... good luck out there.

Stage hand, tell this impertinent worm
not to speak to Ramses.

- Oh... sorry.
- You're getting psyched up.

There continues to be
an annoying buzz in Ramses' ear.

- Do quell it.
- Hey, I...

[ woman cheering ]

He's a jerk...
but a hell of a dancer.

That'll be me out there someday, Xybo.
You watch.

- I'm going to be a headliners too.
- Well, this is Vegas.

There's always room
for two at the top.

[ dance music playing ]

How come when a wish
blows up in Chett's face

he ends up surrounded
by horny, screaming women?

Yeah!

Whenever a wish goes south on us
we end up battling 50-foot sewer rats.

Bite me.

WOMEN: [ chanting ] Ramses! Ramses!
Ramses! Ramses! Ramses! Ramses!

Phew! What is that, Lard?

Chicken fat.
It makes Ramses' muscles extra shiny.

[ growling ]

[ women screaming ]

[ siren blaring ]

[ gasps ]
I'm going to headline?

I thought Ramses was the headliner.

- Well, now he's a flat-liner.
- You're going to the show, kid.

Thanks. Lil.
I won't let you down.

That's why you're my favorite.

Buck, mop the stage.

Bolt, change the marquee.

Grit, break out the leg wax.

Tonight, a star is born.

WOMEN [ chanting ]:
Chett! Chett! Chett!

[ hard rock music playing ]

Oh, my.

[ electrical buzz ]

What's this?

Huh? What is this?

It's a beer.
Why are you acting this way?

A light beer!
I don't drink light beer!

The star of the show
doesn't drink light beer.

[ glass breaking ]

Well, Ramses lives.

- How's my little star tonight?
- Miserable.

My new thongs are all
two sizes too big

and they forgot to mop up after
the beans-and-franks wrestling-- again.

I can't work here anymore.
I just can't.

This isn't about beans and franks.

You got an offer.
Didn't you?

I got an audition at Caesar's.
Lead dancer in"locked room follies".

This is my dream, Lil.
Stripping's behind me.

I'm finally going legit.

There's talk of taking
"locked room" to Broadway.

You're okay with this, aren't you?

Of course, sweetie.
I want what's best for you.

Uh...
who's the audition for?

Jared Storm.

Oh, Jared...
he's an old friend of mine.

I'll call, put in a good word for you.

Tell him you got the tightest tush
in Sin City.

Thanks, Lil.

Call Jared Storm.
Tell him I own Chett Donnelly.

The only way he's leaving
this club is on two broken legs.

LILY: Be careful
with those million-dollar legs.

How long have you
been standing there?

Long enough.

Want me to scrub your back?

It's still a little sensitive
from the stab wounds.

- Oh, what's the matter, sweetie?
- Caesar's cancel my audition.

Jared Storm cast
Richard Grieco instead.

Xybo told me what you did.

I'm sorry, but I had to protect
my favorite little investment.

It was just business.

Here's something that'll cheer you up.

I'm starting a new advertising blitz.

There won't be a billboard in town
without your iron glutes shining down on it.

- I don't like it.
- What? Why not?

It's degrading.
I look ridiculous.

Just because a guy wears
a thong doesn't mean he's a bimbo.

Don't kid yourself.
You think you're a dancer that strips?

- No.
- You're a stripper that dances.

I am a dancer.

You signed a contract.
I own you--

Lock, stock... and jock.

You can't own somebody.

You need to learn a little humility.

You'll dance where I tell you...
and when I tell you.

Try and make me.

Whoo!

You want a buff? It's five extra.

[ squeaking ]

Whoo!

This is your gilded thong strippergram.

No flash photography,
no touching the dancer tipping

is not required but is encouraged.

Dance for me.

[ dance music playing ]

Take off your jacket.

Very good.
Now, take off your socks.

What?

[ tape rewinds ]

[ tape jams ]

- Take off your...
- Is your voice on tape?

No.
I have a head cold.

- Now, take off your socks.
- Lisa?

[ groans ]
Okay, you caught me.

But look at you--
you're pathetic.

- Why didn't you just call me for help?
- Everything's fine.

Sure I miss the beer and solid foods
but I get to pick my own music

and they don't make me do
the lollipop dance anymore.

Chett, look at yourself.

You're being used and
degraded and humiliated.

Why can't you just admit that
it's no fun to be a sex object?

I'm on the clock here.
You want me to dance or not?

You are impossible.

Why is she always right?

What did you say?

- Nothing.
- Okay, fine.

[ rock plays ]

- Where's Chett?!
- He wouldn't admit he was wrong.

I know he's miserable but he's too
pigheaded to ask for help.

Chett's ego is very
vulnerable right now!

Maybe he wants you
read between the lines!

You really think so?

Yeah, stripping feeds Chett's
deep-seated need for acceptance.

Dropping his pants is simply a metaphor
for dropping his emotional barriers!

I never thought of it that way.

That or he really gets off on it.

Hey, thunder buns.

Are those ears pointy or
are you just glad see me?

Came back for a sneak peek?

Why don't you buy a ticket
like everybody else?

- Actually, I came here to apologize.
- You did?

I know you're happy here
being a sex object.

Personally, I'd be uncomfortable
with it but if you like shaking

your cakes for cash go for it.

You didn't come here to
tell me I was wrong

and use all your magical powers to
take me away from this horrible place?

Not unless you want me to.

Well, I have proven my point and
throughly enjoyed being a sex object.

A very sexy sex object.

Okay, I quit. Let's go.

- Warp nine, engage.
- [ crackling ]

- What happened?
- I don't know.

- Switching to impulse power.
- [ crackling ]

You didn't sign anything?
A contract maybe?

- Uh...
- Sign right there... and here... and here...

A lifetime contract.
You better zap that too.

I can't. The moral inhibitors
in my program prevent me

from violating a signed contract.
Magic can't help you.

Well, I guess that only
leaves me one option.

[ applause ]

[ growling ]

[ women cheering ]

Ooh, they love you, Chett
and they want you... bad.

- You want to know how I know?
- Don't go there.

- Okeydoke.
- Hey. Don't sweat it.

- [ music starts ]
- There's your music. Now, walk like an egyptian.

Xybo... you've been a bud.

- Chett!
- [ tiger roaring ]

- [ women screaming ]
- No!

Well, his dancing days are over.
Good job, Sheera.

- Messy but effective.
- [ growling ]

I'd love to take credit but,
actually, it was Chett's idea.

Speaking of Chett we probably
ought to pry him out of there.

- You get the contracts?
- Shredded.

- You're in the clear.
- Give me five more minutes.

I'm trying to get rid
of these thong lines.

Hey, kid.
I thought you were going to be a dancer.

Me too. It's funny.

I came to Vegas chasing my dream
but I found something

even more important--
self-respect.

All these years I've been seeing women
as sex object first people second.

Now I know how wrong I was.

You're looking at my chest,
aren't you?

I am a weak man.

Whoa!

Here you go--
your favorite thong.

If it makes you feel any better
you got a standing ovation.