05x04 - Gary Had a Little Cram

[bunniefuu]

WYATT:
Guys, I know this looks weird

but I got ot make sure this
envelope arrives in one piece.

You got to be kidding.

Nobody stresses this much
over a college application.

Hey! My entire future

is going ot be in the hands
of the US postal service.

I'm entitled to little stress.

Brace yourselves.
This one's going to be a Lulu.

WYATT:
So far so good.

Now for the flame test.

Not even signed.

WYATT:
And finally, the Chett test.

Maybe I should wait
till the postman comes by.

Will you just mail the stupid thing?

Geez, you believe this guy?

We've been seniors ten minutes
and already he's worried about college.

Who isn't?
I've got applications out to eight schools.

Seniors are supposed to
skip school go to parties,

abuse freshmen
not worry about the future.

In a way, he's right.

We should have sent off
our applications when we were juniors.

I didn't want to look too eager.

So why did you write
"You may have already won"

on the front of your totally
indestructible envelope?

How are they going to open it
when it gets there?

Oh, man! Oh, man!

Indestructible envelopes?
They didn't mention that on college day?

- We had a college day?
- Months ago.

Didn't you hear about it
from your guidance counselor?

I have a guidance counselor?

Gary, have you even
thought about college?

Sure, but I figured
all I had to do was graduate.

They automatically bumped me up
when I left Junior High.

- Aren't you the least bit worried?
- What for?

College is a whole year away.

Nobody else around here
is worried about it.

Are they?

Ty, you made any decisions
about college yet?

You bet. Radcliffe.

Math and chemistry, double major.

Since when are you interested
in math and chemistry?

GARY: "Playpen's Girls
of the Ivy League?" Hmm.

Math major.

Chemistry major.

Sarah Lawrence, women's studies.

DeVry technical institute...
if they'll have me.

I'm thinking Evergreen.

I'm going to Texas Tech.

A little place called Drew.

Florida State...

Okay, everybody else
is going to college.

So what?

Doesn't mean I'm going
to be left behind.

I'll just make my work
in the real world.

You'll be in school learning about
the things I'll be out there doing.

You don't have to go to college
if you don't want to.

I don't need to.

There are plenty of opportunities
for a guy like me.

My future's going to turn out fine.

This is big business,
not a parlor game.

A corporate takeover's
supposed to be bloody

and if we have to wipe out
a small mining town to do it.

Well then, so be it.

At least, that's what I think he said.

- Kind of hard to hear through the stall.
- [ man sighing ]

- Altoid?
- Uh-uh.

[ toliet flushing ]

Who am I kidding?

You got to help me get into college.

WYATT: You're making
the right choice applying to Paxton.

It's a smaller school but rated
one of the best in the country.

The Donnelly men have gone
there for six generations.

I am telling you
it's an undiscovered gem.

I just want to go where you're going.
Cool.

Thanks, man.

I'm not going to cry.
No, I am not going to cry.

I didn't know you were
programmed to do domestic work.

- How about whipping me up a sandwich?
- Watch it.

I'm fully capable of whipping you
into a sandwich.

- I'm making this for Gary.
- Why don't you just zap up a cup?

- He hates instant.
- You really think that lollapa-loser

is going to cram four years
of college prep into ten days?

Not without a heaping helping
of your hoodoo.

Wyatt and I are to support Gary,
not help him cheat.

He's got to get in on his own merit.
Personally, I think he's up to it.

- He's not as dumb as you think.
- You wrote down the wrong race.

Uh-huh.
I'm 1/16 sioux indian.

My great-great grandfather
fought with General Custer.

That doesn't make you
Native American.

He switched sides when he saw
how the battle was going.

- How is it coming along?
- Ask slinging bull.

All I know is unless Wallace
has nude photos of the Dean

he'd better get down on his knobby
knees and beg sexy Hexie for a wish.

Oh, man, I cannot take
another practice test.

- I give up.
- You can't. You can't.

Your SAT score is the first place
they look on your application.

Let's, uh, let's just try
some analogies again, okay?

Oh, God.

Okay...
"Black is to white as dog is to...?"

- "D."
- No, no.

"D" the correct answer is "A"-- a cat.

- Huh?
- The opposite of black is white.

- So the opposite of dog is cat.
- But a dog and a cat are the same--

- Four paws, furry, house pet.
- Cat!

- Cat! Cat!
- Let's just move on, okay?

Let's... uh...
Let's try some geometry.

Oh, God.

You want me to give you Gary Wallace
a college recommendation?

Just a little one?

[ snorts ]

[ laughing ]

[ laughing ]

[ school bell ringing ]

[ laughing ]

[ laughing ]

[ laughing ]

[ woman groaning ]

[ laughing ]

[ laughing ]

Gary Wallace.

[ laughing ]

[ bell rings ]

[ laughing ]

Mr. Wallace... about that
recommendation you asked me to...

- Glad you got your jollies off.
- Precisely, lad.

My jollies haven't gotten off
like that in 40-odd years.

That's worth something.
It is?

You'll have your recommendation
in the morning.

I trust that someday,
somewhere you'll give some

unsuspecting Dean as hearty
a guffaw as you've given me.

What do we have here?

I have to write an essay on
why I want to go to college only

I can't get past the first line.

"College is neat."

I see better writing
when I'm melting urinal cakes.

Ignore him, Gary.
You got it in you.

Deep down inside is the soul
of an artist just waiting to get out.

Hold on a second.
Why wait?

Gary, meet your Poet Within.

Your inner soul.

Can you write an essay
on why I want to go ot college?

Wow! He's is a poet.

You can tell from the 'tube.

"College is neato."

Man, my inner soul blows chunks.

[ bell rings ]

[ bell rings ]

Whoo!

Whoo!

Hey..!

I can't mail this.

This isn't enough to get me in.

- I just know it.
- What are you talking about?

You've improved your SAT scores.
You got a recommendation.

- Even your grades are going up.
- There's a lot of good stuff here.

It all screams "poor to avenge."
I need your help, Lis.

- What kind of help?
- Well, if I were to letter

in a sport it would really help me
stand out from the crowd.

They'd want me for sure.
You could make that happen.

No. We said no cheating.

Yeah, you've done everything
up to now on your own.

Why would you ruin it with magic?

Just a little push over
the top is all I'm asking.

I've never done anything
that ever mattered in my whole life.

Oh, come on.
You've accomplished stuff before.

- Like what?
- Well, what about the time you...?

- Uh...
- There was that thing he did...

- Uh-huh.
- Once.

- Uh...
- Uh...

Okay, it's a magical cap.
Just buckle the chin strap and go.

Man, everyone's going to laugh at me.

Couldn't you just give me,
like a magical jock strap or something?

You really want that stuff
south of the border?

I'll stick with the cap.

- Are you sure this'll get him into college?
- Worked for Forrest Gump.

Uh-uh.

Hey.

- Hey, you can use this lane if you want to.
- Thanks.

My name's Buford.
People call me "Bubba."

My name's Gary Wallace.
People call me "Gary Wallace."

Hey, look. Scampi's here.

Shrimp Scampi?

Runners, take your marks.

You know,
there's all kinds of Shrimp.

Shrimp salad... shrimp coctail...

Hmm.

That's about it.

Set...

Who in the hell is that?

Gary Wallace... just a local idiot.

[ laughing ]

Hey, you sure are fast.
I think you set a record.

- Really? You think so?
- Oh, I know so.

Name's Harold Byer.

I recruit for the Princeton
University Athletic Department.

- Cool! Gary, Gary Wallace.
- I've never seen anybody run like you.

And that hat-- you don't even
care about the wind resistance.

By the way, I admire the cheeky nod to
hermes the mythological messenger god.

- Shows you're a thinking's athlete.
- Uh... yeah, read my mind.

You better get ready.
With talent like you got

colleges are going to be
busting down your door.

- All right.
- Walk with me.

ANNOUNCER: So Wallace once
again stomps the competition.

As expected, Bob,
there's isn't a single record

he hasn't obliterated
in the past two days.

But what really makes him
stand out is that incongruous hat.

He's got style, Bob.

He's the Dennis Rodman
of track and field.

The question on everyone's mind is--

which lucky university is going
to snag this young superstar?

[ rapid knocking ]

GARY:
Help! Let me in! Wyatt!

- Let me in! Let me in!
- Come to Princeton!

We got a great deal for you
at SMU bet back, you jackals!

- [ crowd shouting ]
- Boston Univ...

Why not just tell them you're going
to Paxton and get it done with, huh?

You, uh...
you are still going to Paxton...

remember, huh?
You and me together.

- Yeah, I remember, but I...
- You're going to Princeton.

I knew it.
A little school like Paxton can't compete

with the bells and whistles
of the Ivy League.

- I wouldn't jump to conclusions.
- Yeah, I'm not going to Princeton.

- Good.
- Who needs Princeton?

If I win my next big race
I'll be the new celebrity spokeman

for Astro Wave sneakers.

Skip college altogether and turn pro.

I thought you wanted to go
to college accomplish something.

What's all this about turning pro?

The only reason people
go to college is

so they can snag a good job
and earn some money, right?

I'm just skipping to the good past.

Professional track athletes
don't make money.

They work part time at home depot
and they live with their parents.

- Not if they got what I got.
- Blind arrogance?

- Endorsements.
- Gary...

Gary, this is a really bad plan.

You're basing your professional
career on Lisa's magic.

- Do you see the danger?
- I know I do.

It was hard enough for me
just trying to get into college.

What do you think is going
to happen when I actually go?

So, you're taking the easy way out.

Of course, I am.
It's easier.

ANNCOUNER: Once again, Bob,
all eyes are on Gary Wallace.

BOB: Marv, the folks at Astro Wave
sneakers have the media out in force.

- Wallace has to win this race...
- And test negative for drugs.

...and he's a lock to be Astro Wave's
new celebrity spokesman.

WOMAN:
Gary, over here. It's for TV.

TV, of course.

MAN:
Take your mark...

Should have taken my chance
with the magic jock.

Great.
Katie got accepted to college.

Now I have two reasons
to be jealous of her.

My dorm room's on the fifth floor.
Right across from her.

Hey, Wy, congrats on getting
accepted to Paxton.

Thanks.
You heard anything yet?

Yeah. I got accepted
to Stanford and Berkeley.

- Great.
- I can't go to both though.

- Can I have one?
- [ laughing ]

Oh, Gary...

I really screwed up this time.

I know I missed the deadline
for the fall semester

but do you think
I might get in this spring?

Anything possible.

What's this?

"Dear Mr. Wallace:
this is to inform you..."

I don't believe this.
It's from Paxton University.

I've been accepted for the fall semester.
How did this happen?

You remember that perfectly good
application you worked so hard at?

The one that got ignored in the wake
of your ego-feeding media frenzy?

I kind of sent it out.

I meant how did you get it in my locker?

You're welcome.

You really came through for me, Wy.

I want you to know I'm a changed man.
No more being a slacker.

I've learned my lesson.

What do you say
we skip class and go celebrate?

SCAMPI: Attention, students
the Social Committee is sponsoring

a party this Friday honoring
Farber's college-bound seniors.

I expect to see all of you there.

Except, of course...
[ laughing continues ]