05x03 - Boys on the Hide

[bunniefuu]

For this wonderful occasion.

And so, another principal proudly
take this place on our wall of honor.

Lades and gentlemen
Clive Randolph Scampi!

STUDENT:
Go, Scampi!

My dear Farber family
I'm... moved

to see all of you here for the
sole purpose of honoring little old me.

Where are the guys?
They're going ot miss the...

Ooh! Crab puffs!

Every day, you make me late.

Every day.

Lisa gave us a teleporter to zap us
to school and still we're late.

Snooze alarm--
It's the devil's tool.

[ teleporter whirring ]

Hey, Lis.
What are you doing here?

Waiting for the reception.

And now, the proudest moment
in this humble educator's career.

[ ceremonial music playing ]

[ crowd gasping ]

[ crowd laughing ]

GARY: Hey, everybody, look.
It's Principal Trampi.

[ laughter continues ]

- Clever.
- [ nervous chuckle ]

- Very clever.
- [ laughter continues ]

- Hey.
- Oh.

Hello, Miss, uh...?

Tomp... kin... bur... gle...

- Thorpowitz.
- Geometry, right?

The funniest thing just happened.

I was at the vending machine buying
a snickers and two of them came out.

- You want one?
- You're very kind

but I've had all the snickers
I can bear for one day.

Yeah, you'd think it'd get easier,
wouldn't you?

I mean, after all, I've endured the japes
and wheezes of students for years.

- This happens a lot?
- Oh, yes.

From my very first assembly
where I was ruthlessly pantsed

to those buffoonish impersonations
of me at the annual talents shows.

Those meanies.

In this day and age a principal is
no more than a glorified babysitter.

I lack the resources and authority
to bring these vandels to justice.

Suppose you had
some more resources--

A little more authority.

Do you really think
you could make a difference?

I know I could,
Miss Tompkinburglethorpowitz.

I know I could.

[ Scampi grunting ]

The building is secured.

Evidence labeled and sealed.

We found this twinkle wrapper
near your vandalized portrait.

I want the FBI to run a trace
on that twinkle wrapper.

Have the CIA bug the boys' bathroom
in case someone starts bragging.

Call the PTA
and postpone the spelling bee

'cause we got us
some bad guys to catch.

Okay, okay.

Celebrity lips. Who am I?

Don Knotts?

Michael Keaton!
Okay, here's an easy one.

Again, I go with Don Knotts.

Julia Roberts.
I can't get any easier than that.

- Oh!
- Now, that's Don Knotts.

[ students clamoring ]

Mr. Donnelly, Mr. Wallace

I place you under arrest
for the crime of vandalism.

- Under whose authority?
- How about...

the Broad of Education?

I don't know what Lisa did or
why she did it, but I don't like it.

Take them away.

Wait a minute!
We didn't do anything.

You can't just arrest us
out of the blue.

You still got to have evidence.

This was found at the crime scene.

Using the UPC bar code
we traced the twinkles'

point of sale to Ed's gas and go.

And the security cameras
caught all the fun.

Thus, placing you both
at the crime scene.

It's purely circumstantial evidence.

It'll never hold up in court.

We should have played the race card.

- What race would that be, Gary?
- Uh, the human race?

You're an idiot.

SCAMPI: Welcome, students,
to Farber High's Loco for Locomotion Day.

- Hmm...
- [ engine turning over ]

- Hmm...
- [ bell clinking ]

Oh, my God! Oh!

Quick! Quick! Hurry!

Push us off the tracks!
Push us off the tracks!

We can't!
We're handcuffed!

- Toss me the keys!
- [ horn honking ]

[ people yelling ]

Toss me the keys!

Toss me... the keys!

[ squealing ]

- [ whistling blowing ]
- Move!

Look out!

- No!
- [ children screaming ]

[ grunting ]

Come on, come on!

Hey, you come back here
right now!

My, my, my, my, my, what a mess.

Tention.

Attention everyone.

The fugitives have been on
the loose since third period.

Now, what I want from you is a
hard-target search of every arcade,

movie house, fun house
and waffle house in the area.

Your fugitives' names are
Wyatt Donnelly and Gary Wallace.

- [ helicopter whirring overhead ]
- Go get 'em.

Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't call Scampi

- and turn you two hoodlums in.
- Because we didn't do it!

- [ siren wailing ]
- How can you not believe us?

Hello!
Videotape evidence.

- I mean, come on.
- All we did was buy a twinkle.

Can't you zap up some video
evidence of the actual crime?

Then maybe we can find out
who's really responsible.

Oh. Yeah, I guess I could.

And how about something to eat?

This whole on-the-lam thing's
making my tummy growl.

Let's do both.

What's that?

Mystic pizza.

It's like a crystal ball.
Gaze into it,

and it'll show us
who trashed Scampi's picture.

Then we chow down.

[ sniffing ]:
Sure smells good.

Ooh!
I'm starting to get an image!

- Why's the picture so crappy?
- Extra cheese.

[ mouthing words: ]

WYATT:
There he is!

The guy's got only one arm?
Icky.

I guess you guys didn't do it.

Oh, look who just caught up.

Now let's see if your little pizza will
get us a good look at this guy's face.

What?

I can't believe you ate his face!

[ glass crashing ]

SCAMPI:
Give yourselves up, boys.

Your extracurricular activities
have come to an end.

Go for it!

I'll stay here and stall the fuzz.

[ siren wailing ]

Okay.
Scampi's personal files.

This looks promising.

For academic records,
double-click the Book icon.

For attendance records,
the Calendar icon.

For a detailed listing
of students with bizarre

physical deformities
double-click the Hunchback icon.

[ double-clicks ]

There's no one-armed man
listed in here.

Hey, look!
Ed Ferrera's got six toes.

- How does that help?
- I don't know.

It's just fascinating.

[ grunting in frustration ]

Chett?

Okay. Where's my arm?

We might ask you the same thing.

We've been looking
for a one-armed man

who trashed Scampi's picture
and left us holding the bag.

Did you take the fall for that?

I'm even more of a genius than I thought.

If you're such a genius,
how come you only have one arm?

Well, I discovered your teleporter
and I decided that was the perfect way

to sneak into Farber and to get
some payback on Scampi.

Hmm, twinkie.

My beer.

Hey!

When it return, it was gone so
I figured you two tub-bubblers took it.

Why would we want
your disembodied arm?

It didn't just crawl away.

So, because of Lisa's magic,

Chett lost an arm and
we're Farber's most-wanted.

There's got to be some kind of record.

[ can falls ]

- What the hell is that?
- BOTH: Scampi.

- [ grunts ]
- WYATT: Wait for us!

Later.

It's locked.

SCAMPI:
Well...

like a dog returns ot his vomit
so return miscreants

to the scene of their transgression.

Great.

Now we're getting blamed
for something some dog did.

It's all over but the crying, boys.

- But we're innocent.
- I don't care.

But we were set up.
It's the one-armed man you want.

Oh, that explain everything.

Believe us.
Chett is the one-armed man.

I happen to know that your brother
is a two-fisted drinker--

An activity which requires
a minimum of two fists.

Chett lost his arm when
he tried teleporting to school.

He picked up a twinkie,
and his arm fell off

before he trashed your picture.

We saw it in the mystic pizza
before I bit his head off.

Mocking me to the better end, huh?

All I want from you boys
is a little respect.

But, uh...
we do respect you, sir.

In fact, you are the man
who taught us respect.

Go ahead, Donnelly.
Pull the fire alarm.

Commit another crime.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

Show us how you not only
disrespect me

- but how you disrespect yours...
- [ alarm ringing ]

Oh, hell.

SCAMPI:
After them!

But... no running during a fire drill.

Single file, orderly fashion.

[ siren blaring ]

[ man's voice ]:
Freeze, dirt bags!

- Funny genie.
- Funny, funny genie.

This will sound strange
but there is a disembodied arm

- crawling around your bedroom.
- It's Chett's.

- So Chett is the one-armed man?
- And he won't confess.

If we find his arm, we can hold it
hostage and force him to tell the truth.

I still don't know that
was wrong with my idea.

Come here, little arm.
Give me a kiss.

This plan can't miss.

[ playing "Heart and Soul" ]

[ stops playing ]

[ resumes playing ]

[ playing melody ]

Get him! Get him!

[ shouts ]

Nail clippings.

b*stards.

SCAMPI:
Donnelly's got a clean record.

Never missed a day.

And Wallace?

Too witless to pull off a crime this clever.

Things just don't add up.

And what about the brother
and this crazy one-armed man theory?

- Chett Donnelly.
- He certainly is a criminal type.

But he's got two arms.

What if he didn't?

[ phone ringing ]

Yeah, this is Scampi.

WYATT: Remember what
we told you by the fire alarm?

[ snapping fingers ]

I remember you endangering
the public safety.

[ whispering ]:
Keep him talking.

You know, Mr. Donnelly
running during a fire drill is a hazard.

We're in the library.
[ click, then dial tone ]

Did you get it?

- Mm-mmm.
- No, not enough time.

Damn!

Well, if there's no more
call-tracing to be done

I have to mop the library.

The library!

Turn yourself in to Scampi
or we hurt the arm.

Indian burn.
Start singing or the arm starts singing.

[ snorts ]
Do your worst.

[ groaning ]

WYATT:
Crack his knuckles.

I...

ain't...

talking.

Charley horse!

Man down! Man down!

Leave me!

Finish this thing.

I got an itch
that needs scratching.

You don't have the guts
to scratch that itch.

No! Okay.
Okay, I'll confess.

Good, because Scampi
should be here any second.

Ow! Nipple!

Nipple...

That-a-boy.

Well...

Looks like we got all
the characters in our little drama.

Though I didn't expect to see you,
Miss Tompkinburglethorpowitz.

Any point in us still trying
to convince you we're innocent?

You know, I was all set
to believe you boys...

But now, I find myself face-to-face
with the disappointing reality

that your brother
indeed does have two arms.

That's right. Two arms.
Count them and weep.

They clap... they flap...
they do the disco dance of innocence.

You've got to be freaking kidding me.

There really is a one-armed man.

So what? The arm fell off.
It doesn't prove nothing.

It proves you're a liar and that
makes you the number-one suspect.

- That's good enough for me.
- And me.

- And me.
- Me, too.

- Book him, Renfro.
- Hey, I'm out of here.

I'm asking you not to run,
Chester Donnelly.

Show me some respect
just this once.

You got to earn my respect.

I'll handle this.

[ laughing ]

Is it safe to assume that
I've now earned your respect?

I got to admit, that was pretty cool.
[ laughs ]

Uh, we're missing
part of the suspect, sir.

Attention, people.

Our fugitive has been on
the crawl for ten minutes.

It's approximately 27 inches
long possessing four digits

and an opposable thumbs.

Average hand speed--
over a waxed floor, barring injury--

Is 100 yards an hour.

Our assailant has been known to clasp
the male nipple and twist vigorously.

Flak jackets are mandatory.

So are knees pads, elbow pads,
shin pads, foot pads...