04x16 - Lisa's Childhood Memories

[bunniefuu]

Okay, brace yourself, Lis.

You may feel a slight
tingling sensation.

Hey!

Uh... sorry. Gotta make sure
you're in tiptop shape.

Consider this your 2000 zap checkup.

Hard to believe it's been
two whole years since

we created you, Lis.

You've filled out nicely for a toddler.

Our little girl's grown up, Gar.

Hey!
Let's celebrate.

Let's throw a little birthday
soiree for our favorite genie.

A party? For me? I never
had a birthday party before.

Birthdays are great!
Oh, remember your tenth,

when your mom served
the bad salmon?

Oh, and all the paramedics
sang me "Happy Birthday?

- And we got helicopter rides?
- Ah, the memories.

So? Whaddya say? You up
for some cake and ice cream?

I guess.

- Hello? He said "ice cream!"
- I know.

What's the point of a party?
I don't have anybody to invite.

No family...
no one even knows I exist.

Bummer.

Hey, Gar... I just thought of the
perfect birthday present for Lisa.

- A helicopter ride?
- I got a better idea.

We're gonna give Lisa a family?

Not a real family.
Memories of a family.

We make stuff up,
plant it in her source code,

and she'll remember it
like it really happened.

Cool! She'll get
the childhood she never had.

Okay,
what should we make her dad?

- Uh... a patent attorney?
- Sucks!

Give her a cool dad.
Let's make him... a secret agent.

Like it, like it...
what about her mom?

Lisa always wanted
to be a princess.

- Let's make her mom a queen!
- A barbarian queen!

- Tight-fitting body armor?
- You read my mind.

[Lisa] You guys ready yet?
I'm gonna zap in.

- Not yet!
- I'm gonna zap in now, ready or not!

- Hold on! One more second!
- I'm zapping in, I'm zapping...!

Okay!
You can come in now!

Where did you hide it?
Where's my birthday present?

- Are you ready?
- I'm ready! I'm ready!

Here it is!

So? What do you think
of all the decorations?

Dredge up any... memories?

It reminds me of
my sixteenth birthday,

when my dad...
he's a secret agent,

you know...
bought me my first car.

It was flamingo pink,

and the headlights
shot heat-seeking missiles!

I remember at my fourth birthday,

our castle was attacked
by the Uncanny X-Men.

My mom, she's a barbarian queen,
you know, slew them mightily.

Ooh, that's from me.
Try it on.

Maybe later. Thanks, Gary.

So?
Who's ready for cake?

Oh, not yet! We have to
wait for my family, silly.

They should be here any time now.

She thinks her family's coming.

You know, Lis, sometimes families
let you down on your birthdays.

My family won't let me down.
They love me.

Daddy!

Happy birthday, pumpkin!
One sec.

I hope I'm not too late for cake.

- Hello, Daddy!
- Pumpkin!

Where's Mom?

I call upon the power
of the Almighty Zeus,

and the denizens
of Mount Olympus,

- to wish you a happy birthday!
- Mommy!

I can't believe you're actually here!

That makes three of us.

Hello, men.
Fred b*llet, agent of S.P.A.N.K.

- S.P.A.N.K.?
- S.P.A.N.K.

Special Protectors of
Allied Nuclear Kommandoes.

Guys, this is my mom.
Mom, the guys.

Boys! I'm Li-Zar,
barbarian queen of Romanus.

Pain and pleasure...
oddly mixed.

Come on!
You're just in time for cake.

What's going on?

When we added the memories
to Lisa's programming,

her magic must
have made them real.

Is it too late to give her
a trampy sister?

Sorry we're late, sweetie.

Dr. Vengeance tried
to blow up our car again.

- Don't start with me, Li-Z.
- Dr. Vengeance, Mr. Cantankerous,

the Giggler... if it isn't one
ridiculous supervillain, it's another.

Those ridiculous supervillains
pay the bills,

thank you very much.

Besides, we would have
had plenty of time

if you didn't have to
stop to pay homage

to the bones of your ancestors.

Do you want to anger the spirits,
Fred? Is that what you want?

Gary... you wanna help me
with the cake and ice cream?

- That'll be your brother.
- Chad's coming?

Chad? I don't remember
giving Lisa a brother.

You were in the bathroom.

Hey, who started
the party without me?

Chad! Gimme five!
Hey, boy, are you looking great.

Hey, Pop!
Great to see ya. Ha-ha.

- Martinis still your drink?
- Hey, is my butt hairy?

So Lisa's brother is
TV's beloved simian,

"Chad Chimp: Ape Detective?"

"Chad Chimp" was
my favorite show as a kid.

Oh, this is too weird. Everything
we made up is coming to life.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

When you were in the bathroom,

I made Hannibal Lecter
Lisa's favorite uncle.

...I was almost out of a*mo.

The b*ll*ts were all around me
like a swarm of angry bees.

Thinking fast, I fired myself out
of the torpedo tube.

I figured I was home free,

until I ran into Natasha
and her exploding banana.

Daddy, I have a funny story too.

Sh!
Honey, your brother's talking.

So anyways, after I seduced
Natasha, I was able to slip out

of Tangiers hidden in a shipment
of Curious George dolls!

You do me proud, Chad.

Daddy, I can use
my magic powers to stop time!

Why don't you use your magic
powers to shut your big yapper?

I'll zap your yapper,
you stupid monkey!

Hey, hey,
be nice to your brother.

But Chad started it,
and it's my birthday!

It's always gotta be about you,
doesn't it?

"Look at me, I've got magic
powers! I have no body fat!"

Yeah? Well,
at least I didn't start flinging

- my own feces at Grandpa's funeral.
- I was destroyed!

I loved the man! I loved him,
I tell you, I loved him!

Loved him, loved him, loved him!

Okay, that should do it.

We shouldn't have anymore
unexpected party guests.

What about mom, dad,
and monkey-boy?

Ah... I can't get to 'em.

They've already been
assimilated into her source code.

Cutting them out now would
be like giving her a lobotomy.

It's beautiful!
Thank you, Daddy.

Oh, look, look, look... tells time
in twelve different time zones,

and, pull this...
strangling wire.

Here, Lisa, my gift to you.

It's the severed head of
my most bitter enemy, Medusa.

Oh, Mom! That is so sweet!

Severed head? What the hell
does she need that for?

Oh, and your gift was
so much more practical, Fred.

How often do you think she's going
to have to strangle someone?

Oh-h*-h*-h*,
what do we have here?

Thank you, Chett...

Sweet smokin' Elvises, sis, don't
you have any normal friends?

Oh! Me Tarzan, you lusty.

Knave! I will smite you!

Don't tease me. Please me.

Let me k*ll him, Ma!
I got a clean shot!

- What the hell are you starin' at?
- The monkey talks?

Why is everyone surprised
when the monkey talks, huh?

- It's just very unusual.
- Yeah?

Well, get over it, h*m* erectus.

This chimp talks,
walks, and dances.

Those line dance lessons
really paid off.

This is too freaky.
Get behind me, Wyatt,

I think I can take the chimp.

Leave my brother alone!

- What's with the hat?
- Neural neutralizer.

As long as he wears it,
he's a party animal.

I am not getting caught up
in this madness.

Li-Zar chooses you.
Dance with me now.

Okay.

- Wanna cut a rug with your old man?
- You want to dance with me?

Of course!
You're my special birthday girl.

Thanks for coming, Daddy.
This was the best birthday ever.

I wouldn't've missed it, pumpkin.

Excellent. Couple of quick
goodbyes, they're out of here.

- Where do you think they'll go?
- Who knows?

Parallel dimension?
Pocket universe? San Diego Zoo?

All I know is,
we're safe until Christmas.

When next we meet,

I shall be drenched in
the blood of mine enemies.

I love you, Mom.

- Lisa, I've finally found you!
- You!

I told you to stay away
from my daughter!

Did you remember to block the
"Ripsaw as Lisa's boyfriend" file?

- Apparently not.
- Oh, Ripsaw!

I never thought I'd see you again!
Are those for me?

Along with my heart.

Ever since you left,
I've been miserable!

I didn't want to leave.
Mom and Dad made me.

They wouldn't give their blessing.

Forget about your parents, Lisa.
It's between you and me.

- Marry me, Lisa?
- Oh, Ripsaw!

Of course I'll marry you!

You guys aren't dressed yet?

I'm getting married
in less than an hour.

About the wedding...
we need to talk.

No time.

There. You look great.
Let's go.

Lis, don't you think
this is a little sudden?

- I mean, you just met this guy.
- Don't be a dope!

It feels like I've known
Ripsaw forever.

There's something else that
I need to tell you guys.

I hope you won't be upset,
but after the wedding,

- I'm going to move back home.
- What?

This party was so wonderful,

it made me realize
how much I miss my family,

and I want to spend
more time with them now.

Plus, I want the kids to
know their grandparents.

Lis, there's something
you have to know.

I mean, it's not like we're going
to have kids right away,

but when we do...

Lis, there's no easy way
to say this, so here goes.

Fred, Li-Zar, Chad...
they're not your real family.

I know what this is about.
You guys are feeling left out.

Well, you shouldn't.
To me you're family too.

No, that's not the problem, Lis.
Your family isn't real.

They're just memories we made
up and planted in your program.

That's crazy!
Of course they're real!

Why are you saying this?

Because we can't let you
marry some guy

who's a figment
of our imaginations.

Oh, so this is about Ripsaw.
You sound like my father.

Why is everyone
trying to stop me

from marrying
the man that I love?

- Can't you just be happy for me?
- You don't understand.

I think I do.
And if you don't like it,

you don't have to come.

The wedding is at sundown
in the castle courtyard.

I hope you'll be there.

Castle?

What castle is she talking about?

Uh, that would be my fault.
Lisa wanted to be a princess,

so I programmed in that
she grew up in a castle.

So where is she?
Scotland? Ireland?

Closer than that...

You made Lisa the princess
of Putt-a-Lot?

It was the first castle
that came to mind.

Actually, it was the only castle
that came to mind.

Putt-a-Lot!

Putt-a-Lot!

Show your gal you're hot to trot

At Putt-a-Lot!

Sink your putt and strut your stuff

At Putt-a-Lot!

And if there is anyone here
who believes

these two should not
be joined in matrimony,

let them speak now,
or forever hold--

- Hello!
- Back here!

- Comin' through!
- Excuse us!

Gary! Wyatt! I'm so glad you
decided to share my moment of joy.

Actually, we're here to
ruin your moment of joy.

You guys wanna stop her
from marrying Fancy Boy?

- I'm in!
- Daddy!

- Oh. Sorry.
- Don't worry, sweetheart.

I'll take care of these
two interlopers.

Finish them!

Honey, please!
I'll handle this.

I know you guys are upset,
but you just have to accept this.

I am going to marry Ripsaw,
and you can't stop me.

Actually, they can.

Ruling law states that
if a wedding is challenged,

the dispute must be
settled by combat.

- Winner gets the bride.
- Combat?

Yes, combat! And I'll be happy
to meet these two

on the field of battle to win
the hand of my beloved.

Try not to hurt them
too badly, Ripsaw.

They are my friends.

I'll give you a lesson in the royal
sport you'll not soon forget!

The royal sport?

Putting!

Are you sure you can take this guy?

It's in the bag.
You're looking at the three-time

Summer League Putt-a-Lot
champion, Junior Division.

Let's get this over with, huh?
The royal wedding bed grows cold.

Oh, Ripsaw!

Stand back, Bluto.

What the hell was that?
I thought this was a putting contest!

Oh, it is.
Centurion putting!

- Come on, Gar.
- I'll need a caddy and a paramedic.

And the winner is Ripsaw!
Yeah!

I shouldn't have spotted him
those five strokes.

Gary, Wyatt,

I want you to know you're
welcome in the castle anytime.

We'll always be friends.

Lisa, we want you to be happy.

And if that means someday
you get married and you leave us,

that's okay.

But you have to accept
the truth about your family.

- Don't start this again.
- Doesn't it just seem a little weird?

You were raised in
a miniature golf course?

Your brother's a chimp?

- Well... maybe he's adopted.
- Hey, if anybody's adopted, it's you.

And look at your mom.

She's younger than you are.
Explain that away.

She... doesn't cook her meat?

Lisa, Gary and I put these
memories into your programming.

Your family, Ripsaw, all of it.

You never had a talking pony...
you never were the Gerber baby...

and you never turned letters
on "Wheel of Fortune."

- But... I remember all of it!
- And we remember making it up.

Why would you do this to me?

We didn't want you
to be alone in the world.

We wanted you to have
a family for your birthday.

- We screwed up, Lis.
- Lisa?

I'm sorry, but we're going to
have to postpone the wedding.

It's just a little too fast for me.

But we've known each other
since we were children!

Ripsaw, I'm only two!

Trust me,
there's plenty of time ahead.

As you wish, my darling.
I'll always wait for you.

Thanks.

Lisa, we are so sorry about this.
I promise, when we get home,

I will figure out some way to
wipe out all of these fake memories.

Touch them and
I'll turn you into a stump!

You made my family on your computer,
just the way you made me, right?

- Sort of.
- Then they're as real as I am.

- In a way.
- Then that's good enough for me.

No one gets to choose
their family anyway.

You have to love them
for who they are.

Even if they are the products of
two very twisted imaginations.

- Happy birthday, then.
- Thank you.

This was my best birthday ever...

if you don't count all
the cool made-up ones.

Sorry about the wedding, sis.
Whaddya say we take your mind off

your troubles with
a rousing nine holes?

- I'll kick your monkey butt.
- Ha-ha! I'd like to see ya try.

Come on, Li-Z!
You and me against the kids.

- We will slay them.
- Mightily, my dear. Mightily.

Heh-heh, isn't this great?
They're hippos and they're hungry!

Look at 'em eat!

- Hey, Lis, you got a letter.
- Really?

It's from Dad. He's inviting us
all to Thanksgiving dinner.

"We hope the boys will
be able to join us."

Cool! "This letter will
self-destruct in five seconds."

Oh, Daddy...