03x12 - Free Gary

[bunniefuu]

Okay, I've got the afternoon
planned. What do you say?

Not now.
David Hasselhoff's in a real bind.

He got zinc oxide in his eyes.

He can't rescue the french
student caught in the riptide.

- You can't even hear it.
- Doesn't matter.

The show's that good.

I'd give anything to be
one of those lifeguards.

Judging wet t-shirt contests,
full-body rubdowns

- giving supermodel mouth-to mouth...
- Let's do it.

- No, thanks, Lis.
- Why not?

Being a baywatch lifeguard
is the super bowl of wishes.

I couldn't bear to see you
screw this one up.

We prepare to stick with the fantasy.

All the magic in the world
couldn't make life as good as that.

Oh. So you don't think
I could pull this one off.

No, no, no.

Yes.

You couldn't handle the
beach fantasy I could give you.

I'd surround you with so many
hard, tanned, nubile bodies

your eyes would pop out of you skills.

That's the thing we're worried about.

Trust me.

Here you go-- lifeguards on
the ultimate Baywatch beach.

- Faster than you can say "uber thong."
- Checklist?

- We're still guys. Good.
- Eyes still in sockets.

- Fingers and toes?
- Ten and ten. All accounted for.

Relax. You'll love this so much,
your heads will explode.

Bye.

What are you two doing standing around?

Uh-oh. Here we go.

This is where the wish
goes tragically wrong.

Gary, the wet t-shirt contest
on the east beach needs a judge.

Get on it now.

Wyatt, the hawaiian tropic bikini
team needs hands-on CPR training.

So move it.

- I knew Lisa would come through.
- Don't forget your chapstick.

WYATT: How did that
wet t-shirt contest go?

The competition was fierce.
But you know,

in a contest like this
there are no losers.

Just women with smaller breasts.
So, how did your CPR training go?

Get enough mouth-to-mouth?
Empty.

- 'Nuff said.
- Oh, I'm in heaven!

- Oh, we owe you big time, Lis.
- The fun is just beginning.

- I'm having a baby.
- It's okay, ma'am.

- I'm a lifeguard.
- Thank God.

This could be pretty hard to watch,
folks. You may want to look away.

Okay, now push!

[ woman gasping ]

[ screams ]

[ slapping bottom ]

[ baby crying ]

You were wonderful.
I'd like to name him after you.

- What's your name?
- "Wyatt."

Oh. What's your middle name?

- "Lester."
- What's your favorite color?

- Burnt umber.
- Do you like red?

- Sure.
- We'll call him "Red" after you.

Oh, my gosh!

GARY: Wy, a bather seems to
be in Peril and she's beautiful.

Long legs... great tan...

and a birthmark just
below her strap line.

- I'm going in.
- A lifeguard's duty is never done.

I was just guarding some lives, and
I couldn't help noticing you doodle.

- Crabs, sea-horses, shrimp--
- I love the creatures of the sea.

Me too. A little ketchup,
dab of tartar, a little lemon.

It's horrible. I could never eat
the children of mother ocean.

Oh. I didn't mean
seafood from the ocean.

I... I...

Did I mention I was a lifeguard?

Look, as you already know
in order for me to save you

- you have to be drowning.
- I can arrange that.

You could administer a little
CPR. A little breathin'.

- A little squeezin'.
- Sorry.

CPR's only for when your heart stops.
Although that could be arranged.

[ laughs ]

[ gasping ]

Whoa! Guys,
we're no match for this one.

- She's Big Kahuna material.
- "Big Kahuna"?

Big Kahuna knows all.

He rides different wavelength
seeing things us normal dudes

only dream about and
he does his own taxes.

- You're the Big Kahuna?
- They still calling me that?

Of course they are.
You just asked me, didn't you?

"Big Kahuna."
Do I look the least bit samoan to you?

I'm from Lubblock, Texas.

That's not to say you couldn't
have the souls of a samoan.

Ah, crunchy texan on the outside
chewy samoan on the inside.

Two great tastes that
taste great together.

I make you nervous, don't I?

I've been told I have
that effect on women.

- Really?
- No.

But I always thought it
would be neat if I did.

Ah, surf seems to be-- as the
wave aficionados put it-- up.

Till we meet again, surfer girl.

- Kahuna?
- Huh?

I think you're kind of cute.

Now look who's nervous.

"Cute"?
Where did that come from?

Ding. Round two.

Armed with the confidence
of the beach vet

he is golden boy Wallace is sure of a win.

Give it up, Gary. She shot you down.

She'll come around. I'm buff,
I'm tanned, I'm irresistible.

You're skinny, you're pale,
you're confused.

Oh, good. It's you.

I know what you're thinking: the
insensitive, sushi-loving jerk is back.

But that was the old me.
The new me is fish-free.

I think you're cute and
all but I'm not interested.

My passion is the sea the
tranquility of the deep its eternal,

silent beauty the harmony the
oneness of all its many creatures.

- Let's go back to the "I'm cute" part.
- Go away.

What are you doing?

This is insane.

He's not even your type.

Do you mind if I join you?

It's just that you're sitting
alone and you look thirsty

- and I found these drinks.
- Lucky you.

- Can I have one?
- That was the idea.

What are these little umbrellas for?
To guarantee moderation?

You drink too fast,
you could lose an eye.

They're like the speed
bumps of fruity drinks.

Goodness.
I've been garnished.

Thanks.

Takes a special kind of
woman to wear fruit well.

I'm sorry I don't have
one for the other ear.

That's okay. I'll switch off.

You know, I've never met
anyone like you.

Considered myself a rugged individualist.

- You are different.
- You're pretty different yourself.

You have a certain... aroma about you.

- What?
- Whenever you're around I detect a hint of...

- electricity in the air.
- I smell like electricity?

Like a transformer from
a miniature train set.

- Just part of your magic, I suppose.
- My magic?

...and then he said I was
electric and magical and special.

News flash, Lis-- any guy who
wants to date a girl will tell her that.

Duh. I wasn't created yesterday.
It wasn't a come-on line.

It was deeper than that.
it's as if Kahuna...

knows about me. Knows who I am.

That's impossible. I think
he's just trying to be smooth.

If he was, don't you think
he'd get contact lenses

- and a decent haircut first?
- So, what's the attraction?

I have no idea.

[ screaming ]

Coming through!

Oh, my God! It's Petra!

She's caught in a riptide!

- Gary?
- I can't swim.

- Say what?!
- I sink like a rock.

- Then I'll go in.
- No, wait.

I have to do this myself.
Lis, make me a great swimmer.

Okay. Go save her.

It was... incredible.
The riptide was pulling me down

and this beautiful,
wondrous creature saved my life.

"Wondrous creature"? You didn't?

WYATT: I can't believe you did this.

What is he?

- Isn't it obvious?
- He's a merman.

He looks like a sea monkey on steroids.

You think he actually likes it in there?

- Mr. Bitchy-fins isn't talking to me.
- Hang on.

I know how to get his attention.

Hey, what do you know?
They really do hate that.

Nice.
Now he's never going to talk to me.

Oh, yes, he will. Hey, Wy.

I guess it's a new record.

Two full days in a row
before Lisa mutated one of us.

The spell will wear off soon,
another 20 hours max

- and you'll be walking again.
- I can live with that,

but in the meantime how's
about zapping up a

hundred pounds of chum?
I'm starved.

You take care of it. I've got a date.

- Nice shot.
- Thanks.

- A great teacher.
- A teacher is defined by his student.

So that would make me the
most fascinating captivating,

hypnotic teacher in the
world with really great hair

and beautiful, pouty lips.
I shouldn't I?

I don't know.
I liked where you were going.

- Oh... good.
- Very good.

- Wow.
- Nice.

You are magic.

Who-can-turn-the-world-
on-with-her-smile kind of magic?

No. I meant like a reality-
bending, computer-generated

blue-bolts-of-energy-out-
your-fingertips kind og magic.

I got to go.

[ sighs ]

Good going, Kahuna. Always
flooding the proverbial engine.

Uh... what exactly is
that you're sketching?

It's the wondrous creature
from the deep who saved my life.

Although I only saw him
for a second he was the most

beautiful thing I ever laid eyes on.

Uh... could I borrow
one of these drawings?

I don't believe it. She does like me.

I knew I'd get through
to her eventually.

Gary, did you get the
brain of a goldfish too?

She's hot for Aquaman,m
the mysterious creature

- that saved her life, not you.
- But I am that guy.

Until your feet grow back.

Then you'll be that guy
she's not so crazy about again.

Maybe not.

You want to breathe
through your neck forever?

If it gets me dates,
I'll breathe through your neck.

If I were you, I wouldn't
toss out my shoes just yet.

I got to get back.
Make yourself useful.

Suck some algae off
the side of the tank.

I couldn't get it all.

Yeah, information?

I'd like the number for a Petra Perth.

Oh!

Oh, my God. You're just as
beautiful as I remembered.

You look pretty hot yourself
when you're not hacking up help.

- Thanks for saving my life.
- I'm a Merman--

- it comes with the gig.
- Do you... mind if I feed you?

Be my guest.

Put you in this tank confined, when
the boundless sea is your real home.

It's okay, I guess...

Once you get past the stink
but that I've found you.

- My merman days are over.
- What do you mean?

You know the legend.
When a sea stud like me

falls in love with a hot-looking
air breather, he becomes human.

I'm trying to say I'm trading
in my tail for a pair of boots.

- Isn't that great?
- No! That's a terrible idea.

- Is it?
- Don't you see?

There's five billion humans,
but only one of you.

You're unique, special.

An extraordinary creature
like you belongs in the sea.

- But...
- Don't speak.

- Careful, careful.
- Yo! Ease off, Jacques.

It's a little nippy out here.
You want to change my water, fine.

- Throw me in a hot tub.
- We're changing your water

from this chlorine soup to the
natural PH balance of your ocean home.

My ocean home that's far
for land full of sharks

- and very, very deep?
- Oh, hurry it up, guys.

He's losing scales.

Look, Petra, when I left the ocean
home it was not on the best of terms.

There was a lot of bad blood
between me and the tiger sharks--

chow boundaries,
who gets to gorge on what.

- Talk about a feeding frenzy...
- Keep him wet!

- We're almost there.
- Was that a McDonald's?

Anybody hungry?
Why don't we all stop?

Get a bite to eat. Relax.

Uh... hell. Lisa!

I don't get it. Gary looks like
a scalded chimp with flippers

and he still got a girl out of the deal.

Wyatt?

Uh-oh. Petra's been here.

The spell's wearing off.
He's changing back.

- If she dumps him in the ocean...
- He'll go down like a sack full of kittens!

Look, Petra, if you like me as a
fish you'll love me as a human.

- I'm looking forward to it myself.
- My sweet, Noble Merman.

Willing to give up your
watery birthright for me.

No!
I've got a vested interest in this.

Paddle away, you miracle
of evolution. Go! Swim!

Join your pod!

- Where is he?
- I set him free.

Back where he belongs--
on the bottom of the ocean.

- Oh, God. Gary!
- Stand back, Wyatt.

I'll empty the whole
ocean if I have to...

or turn myself into a dolphin
or zap up a really big straw...

Look!

Looks like I'll live. Great.

You didn't see a merman
out there, did you?

- You did it!
- I had nothing to do with this.

Wait a sec. If you didn't, then who?

"I wasn't sure what your
favorite flowers were

so I went with plastic."
They're from the Kahuna.

Plastic. How did he know?

Okay, let's track this.
You gave me fins,

you gave me gills and I'll
be burping chum for days.

Once again, you've made
the fantasy a reality.

Speak for yourself.

I got a serious tan, three dates
and a godson named Red.

- And I found someone like me.
- You're convinced he's a genie?

All I know is he acted as
though he could read my mind

and he saved Gary's life.

He may have powers
we can't begin to imagine.

Is it my break?