02x05 - A Tale of Two Lisas

[bunniefuu]

If your midterms seem a little
soggy it's merely because I wept

openly while correcting there
towering monuments to mediocrity.

Simply put you all tanked.

Tonight's going to rule, Wy.

You, me, Lisa partying
down at Mardi Gras.

Do you think Lisa could zap us
up a couple of paper-mache heads?

I'd be careful
how you word that request.

- Good point.
- Look out, creole mamas!

- Crawdaddy's a-coming!
- As the patron saint of slackers you'll be

interested to know the class
will be retaking the exam tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?
- Well parroted, Mr. Donnelly.

That leaves you 23 hours
to fall in love

with chapters five, six,
and seven all over again.

[ Bell Rings )

Okay. What phylum
do frogs belong to?

- Uh, platyhelminthes.
- No, that's flatworms.

Flatworms. I always
blow it with the flatworms.

Mardi Gras time.
Is that what you're wearing?

- I'm not going.
- You're not going?

It's Mardi Gras.
Talk some sense into him.

- You do have a k*ller test tomorrow.
- We need to study.

The second we get back,
we'll cram like never before.

- Gary, you've never crammed before.
- What's to know?

I read a few chapters,
have Lisa torque up my memory...

That's cheating.
Gary, it's only a party.

Only a party? Only a party?!

Gary's right. Mardi Gras
is the ultimate blowout.

To go, but I got to know this
for real-- without magic.

I still want to go
to princeton someday.

I still want to go to Mardi
Gras someday preferably now.

Come on, Lisa. Let's blow.

Why do you automatically
assume Lisa wants to go with you?

Because where I go, fun follows.

Why would Lisa want to
stay and talk frog guts when

she can go to bourbon
street and rock out?

- Right.
- Stay and help me study.

- Yes.
- Which is it?

Dancing over here,
or frogs over here?

I'm programmed to make
both of you happy.

- I won't choose.
- You have to choose.

- Come on, Lis. Dancing.
- frogs.

- I mean, I need your help.
- Lisa, help me.

- Dancing!
- Me!

- No, me.
- Me!

- Lisa!
- Decide!

Come on!

Lisa... are you okay?

- What happened?
- We split.

- You made a wish.
- Oh, excuse me.

Go ahead.

I always do.

You guys couldn't agree.

It tore us apart.

Now I'm your personalized Lisa...
programmed to be

am impulsive, risk-taking
party animal, just like you.

And I'm your personalized Lisa--
programmed to be responsible,

considerate and ferociously
intellectual, just like you are.

- Gee, thanks.
- New Orleans is calling.

- What are we waiting for?
- You sure you don't want to come?

- We could make it a foursome.
- No.

We have a biology test to cram for.

- You're definitely my kind of Lisa.
- Then it's off to Mardi Gras.

- I got the hats!
- And I've got the body paints.

For once, it's nice not to
be held hostage

on the Gary Wallace party plane.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

[ Bell Rings )

- How did you do on the makeup test?
- I aced it.

Let's say we celebrate
with a hershey bar.

You know what I love?
Taking a handful of peanuts and

a bite of hershey bar and making
a peanut butter cup in my mouth.

- I love that.
- Gary thinks it's weird.

Maybe he's not doing it right.

- Excuse me, miss, uh...?
- Miss Doss.

I'm the new english teacher.

I've heard so many wonderful things
about you, Principal Scampi.

Well, I've... heard so many
wonderful things about you.

You come highly recommended
from, um... lots of people.

Well, uh, welcome to the team,
Miss Doss.

Carry on.

Wow! You handled Scampi
without magic.

Like you always say-- "magic
should only bu used in emergencies.

If we've got it here...
we don't need magic."

Yes! I've never partied
like that in my life.

- Thank you.
- This is just the beginning.

From now on, life is one big rave.
Up for it?

Yeah, sure. As soon
as I catch my breath.

Isn't that your friend over?

- Yeah. So?
- Come on, let's have a little fun.

Oh, hey, Gary. Who's your friend?

- Uh, Lisa, Rog. Rog, Lisa.
- Hi, Rog.

You know, lips like yours
should be against the law...

or the small of my back.
What do you say

I lather you up and give you
your first shave?

Isn't she cute?
She's trying to make me jealous.

Reel it in a little.
How about you and I party for a while?

- I have some plastic vomit.
- Okay.

Time-out.

Get your own party babe.
What's with the horndog act?

- I was just trying to have fun, remember?
- Gary Wallace.

Mr. Palate tells me you missed
the retest of your biology exam.

Oh, that? Um...
I was sick this morning.

I see.
A sudden bout of confetti-itis?

Miss Doss, weren't you just...?
Leaving.

We were just leaving.
Don't worry, Principal Scampi.

- I'll make up that makeup test.
- Sorry, Gary.

There'll be no making up that test.
I'm afraid this incident

will leave an indelible blemish
on the face of your transcript.

Good day.

- Oh, great. I'm boned.
- Don't worry. Go to class.

I'll take care of your "bad grade."
In fact, I'll enjoy it.

You're... not going to shave him
or anything, are you?

...and vanilla. Almond crunch.
Don't you love that?

- Yes, Lisa. I love it.
- Golf on television?

Yes. Okay? Everything.
If you like it, I like it.

- You want to do something?
- Like what?

- Whatever you feel like.
- Really?

I get to pick? With Gary, I never
know where I'm going till I get there.

- I hate that.
- I hate that too.

Yeah. Big surprise.

You're a natural.

- Well, I... played a little nerf in college.
- It shows.

Is there something I can help you with?
Gary Wallace--

The poor boy works so hard
and he's so much fun at a party.

- I think he deserves a 4.0, don't you?
- [ Chuckling )

- That's a good one.
- I'm serious.

I'm crazy about Gary and
I think you should be too.

Now, how about that 4.0?

Miss Doss, uh... altering school
regulations is out of the question...

[ Clears Throat )
...strictly against the rules.

You're a firm believer
in rules, aren't you?

Maybe it's time you learned to...
cut loose.

Not amount of "cutting loose"
is going to change my mind...

Cat Woman.

[ Purring )

Lick?

No, thank you.

Please leave. I'm frightened.

Ooh, you're no fun at all.
You know what you need?

- Some serious loosening up.
- Whoa!

Meow.

Hey, there, Farber High.
This is your principal--

emphasis on "pal-- here to
announce that Gary Wallace

is Student Of The Decade!


He's on a roll with the honor roll.

So Gary, this next tune's
going out to you.

# 'Cause I'm with Gary #

# And I'm not scary #

# It's Gary, so don't be wary #

# Hey, what's he wearin',
that Gary Gary? #

# Hey, don't be wary of Gary #

# Don't be wary #

Principal Scampi?

- What have you done?
- I loosened him up.

# Gary #
# Mr. Extraordinary #

# He's the guy at... Farber High #

# He's Gary Extraordinary! #

Hey, you know-this tip jar
won't fill itself.

- Any requests?
- Put on a robe.

# Put on a robe #
[ Singing Scat )

# I'm gonna put on a robe tonight #

# I'm gonna put on my robe #

# I'm gonna put on my robe
and party down #

- Lisa...
- # 'Cause I'm with Gary... #

- And talented.
- We have to talk.

# So don't be wary. #

Gary Wallace!
Student of the Decade!

Lisa, chill out.

I have to bum homework off
these people tomorrow.

- Not with your new G.P.A.
- Yeah. 4.0.

- Don't you think that was overkill?
- "My G.P.A.'s too high."

"My principal's too naked."
You really are becoming boring.

I'm hungry. You know
what I like when I'm hungry.

- Burgers.
- Right. Maybe you could zap up a couple.

I thought we agreed-- "Magic should
only be used in emergencies."

I know, but maybe
a little bit of magic.

Nothing big-- no whoppers.

Zapping up whoppers
is not an emergency.

What do you say we zap
back to ancient greece

and go to a real toga party.

I got a better idea:
let's go home and crash.

- I'm running on fumes.
- WYATT: Hey!

- Hey. - Hey.
- Hey.

- How's it going?
- Great.

She's having a great
time partying.

I missed you in biology
this morning.

Didn't have the time.
Having too much fun.

So how's life in the slow lane?
[ Forced Chuckle )

Well, there's a party lurking
around the next corner.

Come on, Lis.
Let's kick it into high gear.

- Now we're talking!
- Okay, so where to?

I'm beat. I want to crash.

- Take me home?
- Home?

- You sure?
- Home.

[ Rock Music Playing )

- What the hell is this?
- Oops. I missed.

- Sorry.
- Ha ha.

- Now, take me home for real.
- What is your problem?

I'm partied out, okay?
You don't want to take me home.

Fine. I'll walk.

You have turned into a regular
little Wyatt, haven't you?

- Hey, cheap shot.
- If the pocket protector fits...

You know, I think I liked
the old Lisa much better.

- I can't imagine why.
- She was cuter.

Uh-oh.

So the interesting thing is--
This sum approaches infinity.

I think that's neat, don't you?

Yes. Neat.

And boring.
Why don't you zap us some more fun.

Oops. Silly me.
"No mac unless it's an emergency."

- Our little rule.
- [ Knocking )

GARY: Down here.

- Gary?!
- We got to talk.

- Your Lisa did this to you?
- No. It's an allergic reaction.

Yes, Lisa to me.
I guess I sort of ticked her off.

- I guess so.
- Will you help me or stare at me?

One thing's for sure,
I won't eat around you.

- You're disgusting.
- Very disgusting.

Thank you.
I really need some night crawlers.

- Worms?
- Yeah, sure.

Whatever you can dig up.
Worms, snails, bugs, fajitas.

Fajitas.

Here. Wipe your blow hipe.
You're making me sick.

- You said it.
- Stop agreeing with me.

It is annoying, isn't it?

Look, I'll help you but I don't
see why I should.

- You got yourself into this.
- Exactly. Zap me back to normal.

- I can't.
- Why not?

- BOTH: It's not an emergency.
- Jinx.

Isn't she fun? Where's your Lisa?

- The mosh pit.
- Let's walk there.

Let's walk there.
She may zap you back.

Walk? Are you kidding?

It took me three hours
to waddle over here.

[ Grunting )

Man, you. Weigh a ton.

Hey, don't start.
This bad reeks... or is that me?

Do you have to use the bathroom?

It's a real pain getting you
in and out of there.

The world is my bathroom, big guy.

- Now move 'em out!
- [ Fly Buzzing )

Let's take a moment
to plan our best routes.

You do that.
We'll meet you there.

What do you think
you're doing, pit lick?

Hi, Chett. Is something wrong?

Yeah, I think something's wrong.

Who said you could
touch my stuff?

Please, can I borrow it? My
science project's in there.

- Science project, huh?
- Hmm.

Sounds, uh, pretty valuable.

- I'll give you ten bucks.
- We have an opening bid.

Do I hear a thousand?

- How about 20?
- 20, and your discman.

My discman? Forget it.

- What do you got in here?
- Lead bricks?

- I'd sure hate to drop it.
- Drop it.

Back over it. I don't care.

It's just a science project.
I'll build another one.

-You're bluffing.
- Do it already.

- All right, I'll take the 20.
- Five.

- Okay, but no chance.
- All I have are pennies.

Deal. [ Grunting )

- Are you okay?
- What? I'm not worth 20 bucks?

How hard it is to get
rid of pennies?

Where's your helmet?

[ Rock Music Playing )

Come on.
Can you move any slower?

Easy for you to say.
You've got knees.

Hey, Troll Boy.

Well, hello again, short,
dark and boring.

- You want to play?
- No. I want Gary back to normal.

- What?
- Gary! Normal!

# When you're gonna
get to me... #

Will you get over here?
I'm doing this for you.

# Here's to, to destiny,
to destiny... #

Turn down the music.
I can't even hear myself think.

- [ Music Stops )
- I'm listening.

- I want Gary back to normal.
- Ask nice, Wy.

And whatever you do don't
tell her she's not cute.

Huh?

I mean it. Fix Gary now.

Uh-oh.

- I won't say it again.
- Uh... Wyatt?

No. You got to be firm.

And whip me up a big
jar of stink bugs.

Oh, no.

Wyatt?

Lisa... do something.
Use your magic.

Sorry. Not an emergency.

Lisa, look at me. I'm a
short stinky freaky troll.

- I think this qualifies.
- So it's clear--

What exactly is your idea
of an emergency?

Something you can't get
out of without using magic.

Oh, sure. Who needs magic?

Lisa splits in two and turns
us into trolls.

We'll just talk our way out of it.
She refuses to do anything.

Just like me. Only worse.

Better than mine.

There's nothing she won't do.

Kind of like me.

Only worse.

I guess she's not much of a Lisa
till you put the two halves together.

Looks like we'll be living
under the porch for a while.

- Sorry I got you into this, Wy.
- It's okay.

It wouldn't have k*lled me
to go to Mardi Gras with you.

Did you see that?
Something's happening.

- Keep saying nice stuff.
- Um, I like you.

You have nice...

hair.

I like you too. My good friend, Gary.

- Good friend.
- Great friend.

- Best friend.
- Bestest friend.

I love you, Gary.

Wy.

Way to go, guys.

I thought I'd never get myself
back together again.

- It's good to be whole.
- Just in time.

- Now, change us back.
- I can't.

The spell won't end until you
patch up your friendship.

But we did. Didn't you see us?

We hugged each other.
I told him I loved him.

Then the spell should have ended.

- Unless...
- Okay, I was faking.

It's just that this whole
thing is Gary's fault.

- To pass a test.
- You were faking?

After I said... and you said...

- Well, I was faking too.
- Come on, guys.

Don't you see?
You're better as team.

After all, it did take
the two of you to make me.

She's right. I'm sorry, Gar.

You are my best friend.

And you're my best friend too.

- Wyatt?
- Hey, I meant it.

This time.

Okay. So I'm still ticked
about the faking thing.

- Deal with it.
- Deal with this.

You punch like a girl troll.

Uh-oh. I think I am a girl troll.

- How are you boys feeling?
- Glad I'm not green.

- I hear that.
- The whole thing was so stupid.

Of course. You guys are
two different people.

You'll never agree
about everything.

But if there's one thing
we both love...

It's messing with Chett.

[ Coughing ) Yecch.

What reeks?