02x04 - Wyatt Erectus

[bunniefuu]

A hush falls over the crowd
as "Doomsday" Donnelly

faces off against his archenemy
"Groin Pull" Parker.

The two warriors size each
other up searching

for signs of weakness.
Searching, searching...

"Groin Pull" makes his move.
"Doomsday" down!

Come on, it's six inches
between you and destiny!

You know the reversal.
Use it!

- You can take this guy.
- [ Sighs )

- [ Blows Whistle )
- GARY: Yeah!

- [ Cheering )
- Way to go, Macho man.

[ Grunts ) So I lost. Big deal.

You could have taken him.
You didn't even try.

It's just gym class.

You forget that gym class
is a spectator sport.

Hello?

Hello?

- VOICE: Hello, Chett.
- CHETT: Mom?

VOICE: I realize this tape may
seem a little odd but ever since

we discussed your helping out
around the house you've all

but disappeared. I figured this
was my only hope of reaching you.

- You are one desperate mom.
- Feel free to pick any household

chore from this chore:
clean out the garage...

- In your dreams.
- paint the lanai...

- Kiss my butt.
- or keep the raccoons from

- digging up my rose bushes.
- Hmm... masked invaders.

Should you choose to go after
the raccoons remember: be humane.

[ Laughs ) Humane. Good one.

[ Laughs )

You should have seen him.
You heard of the shag attack?

We had a Wyatt wimp-out.
"If I play dead, maybe he'll go away."

So I'm not a hyp I don't pick on you
when you wuss out in physics.

He's right. We can't all
be superstar athletes.

If he can't handle wrestling
how does he expect

to handle the real world?

We have gym class to
develop that k*ller edge.

- I'm happy the way I am.
- I'm your friend, Wy.

I only want what's best for you.

Can't you build him a better
backbone or something?

I've got a better idea.

Perfume. That will give him an edge.

Not perfume. Cologne.

Aggression? "Warning: the surgeon
general has determined that the

overuse of this product may
be hazardous to your health."

Yes. You have to be very
careful with this, Wyatt.

One spritz a day, no more, and
you'll be more assertive in no time.

- Really?
- Trust me.

It's concentrated "k*ller edge."

Don't think about it. Just do it!

I don't know.
I'm not sure I need this stuff.

Remember we're not alone.

Come to daddy.

Oh! If there's a dog in heat
within 100 miles we'll find out soon.

- MAN: Okay, boys, hit the mat.
- Go get them, Bad boy.

[ Blows Whistle )

[ Grunts )

Yeah! Come on, Wyatt!

[ Blows Whistle )

[ Blows Whistle )

- [ Blows Whistle )
- Whoo!

[ Whistle Blows )

- [ Whistle Blows )
- [ Cheering )

All right.

I got to hand it to Lisa.
That stinks juice really works.

You were amazing out here.

Did you see me?
I have the k*ller edge.

And one deep shagback

I feel like a new man.

I got all this energy like
I've been plugged in.

Just hope your stench
doesn't keep the chicks away

- or your jerky breath.
- I need your quarters.

- Mr. Burbidge is coming.
- Huh?

- And he's got quarters.
- [ Coins Jingling )

- You heard what?
- Mr. Burbidge.

I see you're growing
a football team there.

Eleven on each side. Ah, puberty.

The tumultous changes
one's body endures.

I realize it may seem you're
growing up one hair

at a time but that's
nature's grand design.

When I was your age my arms
were as slick as a bullfrog's belly.

This frog grew hair. You will too.

Yeah?

Good God!

That was classic. You completely
freaked Mr. Burbidge out.

You're growing hair where
no man's grown before.

[ Sniffing ) Women--



What do you say we double-date
cheerleaders friday night?

Sure, and after that we can
build a staircase

of cheese and walk to the moon.

I'm going for it.

That scent. You smell incredible.

I could lose myself downwind of you.

Uh, you gotta excuse he's been
sucking back jerky all morning.

The shampoo you use.
It's herbal, isn't it?

I like that. No freaky chemicals.
No animal testing.

You're conscientious and still
have great-looking hair.

- Thanks.
- Do we know you guys?

Not yet. I'm Wyatt. This is Gary.

Would you like to double-date
tomorrow night?

- Nothing fancy.
- Yeah, okay.

Okay, it's date then.

We'll call you.
Bye.

You know, for a guy who smells
like a litter box you sure can score.

Oh, roses look the but what's this?
A trail of cheezos.

Crunchy fun.
My brain's as big an A.B.B.

So I'll follow this trail. Maybe it
will lead to a whole bag of cheezos.

Another snack-related fatality.

[ Noisy Slurping )

- What? You skip lunch today.
- Just hungry, I guess.

I don't want to complain, Lisa
but these ribs are kind of well-done.

I didn't even cook this batch.

Yet another one of Wyatt's
bizarro side-effects.

Bizarro? I haven't noticed
anything bizarro.

Well, this is.

And so is this.

Gary's got a point.

Excuse me, but I just wanted
more guts on the wrestling mat.

Not more hair on my back.

That cologne brought your
bestial side to the surface.

My bestial side?

The super hearing,
the smelling, the hair.

- [ Siren Wailing )
- [ Howling )

- That.
- And the assertiveness you wanted--

the confidence-- it's rooted
in your pre-civilized self.

It's that way for everyone.

Thanks for the lecture, Dr. Science
but what's next?

Wyatt marking his territory,
or burying his caca?

I don't understand.

Wyatt shouldn't have had
any side-effects at all.

- Not unless you over-spritzed today?
- Did you?

This is Wyatt Donnelly.

The guy who saved every
instruction manual since I was five.

The guy who asked Mr Ortiz
at school to translate

the spanish part of my computer
set-up instructions just in case

they said something the
english part didn't.

I spritzed once a day.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm thirsty.

But I'm just... I said I'm thirsty.

[ Growling )

[ Slurping )

[ Bell Ringing )

Another glorious day in P.E., Wy.
Though I gotta say

it was classic when you gnawed
a hole in wasserman's headgear.

[ Spritzing )

Well, well, if it isn't Mr.
"follow instructions" himself.

It's almost empty!

No wonder you're turning
into a walking toupee.

I need that cologne.

Ever since I started using it,
I've been feeling so great.

Like I finally found that part
of me that's been missing.

It's awesome.
The more I use, the better it gets.

Wy, you're addicted.
Yogot a monkey on your back.

Hell, you are a monkey!
I'm pouring this out.

You can't do that!
It's for your own good.

You're out of control.

- [ Hissing )
- No biting.

Nice going.

You spilled it all.

Oh, oh.

Forget the cologne.
Look in the mirror.

I don't feel so good.

- It's simple.
- That skunk sauce made Wyatt a monkey.

- How much simpler can it get?
- Not a monkey, a hominid.

A proto-human. Wyatt's slipped
back down the evolutionary ladder.

The condition he's in now--
he's right about here after the h*m*

habilis but before the neanderthal
give or take some shoe sizes.

How long till he's Wyatt
Donnellytus again?

- Stop doing that.
- Not until the spell wears off.

That's it.
It's ix-nay on the big duo date.

- So close, yet so not close.
- What? You're giving up?

Aw, man. Think about it.

As Wyatt, the chimp-faced
boy this could be yours

and anybody else's
most embarrassing date.

But Mindy and Deb most
gorgeous girls in school.

We can't pass up change like that.

I won't let you do it.
Nope, we'll just sit here

eating bananas watching
echino man until you're you again.

[ Grunts ) Gary.

I appreciate you looking out for me.
I do, but date tonight.

It once in a lifetime deal.
Must do it.

Not just for me, for both of us.
Must go.

Wyatt may have regressed
a few hundred thousand years

- but he's more confident.
- See?

- We pull off evening, no problem.
- "We pull off evening"?

- No, Tarzan.
- Look.

If things get bad we call it
sun go down, moon up.

- Call it a night?
- Mmm.

- Call it night.
- Maybe she likes animals.

Okay. Okay. But the second
things go wacky we're out of there.

[ Wyatt Growling )

Oh, yeah. This is good idea.

- Keep your hat down.
- To order?

The barbecue chicken pizza
but no-sun-dried tomatoes.

I'll have that too,
with the tomatoes but no cheese.

- Sure.
- I want meat.

- Meat, meat, meat!
- High-protein diet.

- Cheeseburger fries.
- Got it.

I love the beard. It's cooler than
that scraggly one Ethan Hawke has.

[ Sniffing )
Gary, are you wearing cologne?

No, Wyatt went overboard
in the fragrance department.

Really? I like it. Don't you?

- [ Sneezes )
- Do you have a cold?

No. Allergies. Is there a cat in here?

[ Sniffing )

No cat.

And one good squeeze and
the ketchup hit the ceiling.

- Up there not far from the corner.
- Dessert?

- Wyatt, you've been kind of quiet tonight.
- [ Mumbling )

Yeah, well, that's 'cause
Wyatt's feeling depressed.

His cousin, you see,
who lives in... Poland...

Well, he's not doing so well.

He give you that great hat?

- The hat?
- Yeah, right?

- From Poland.
- Can I look...

Nope! It doesn't come off
until his uncle... cousin.

Cousin feels much better
and is on his feet.

Dessert?

- [ Growling )
- He's still nibbling.

Excuse me.

- What do you think?
- I like Wyatt.

Me too. The other guy's uptight.

Mm-hmm. Wyatt's sincere
and kind of sexy and when

he looks at you he's got
that hunger in his eyes.

"How was the big date, Gary?"
"Fine. We talked.

We laughed.
Wyatt gutted the waitress."

- My food!
- You're getting worse.

- Let's call it a sun go down.
- No stop.

Give me one good reason
why we should continue.

- Sweet food after meat?
- We are not staying for dessert.

Come on.

Sorry, girls. Wyatt's got a curfew.

- I got to take him home.
- Come?

Sure.

[ Twang )

Thought you were safe,
my furry friends?

Even in the puny light of the
toenail moon I can see you.

- [ Bird Squawks )
- One loudmouth mockingbird, 11:00.

- [ Frog Croaks )
- One puke-green tree frog, 2:00.

Ohh... yes.

One cross-your-heart playtex
just aching to be unsnapped.

Ahh.

- So, you girls comfortable?
- Yeah.

- What happened to the music?
- Good question.

- Wyatt, how's that music coming?
- [ Sniffing )

- [ Growling )
- Huh?

I got it, Cheetah.

- [ Loud Music Playing )
- Aaah!

- [ Music Lowered )
- [ Humming )

- [ Whistles )
- Hmm?

So... here we are.

[ Moaning )

Looks like the mood's been set.
What do you want to do?

Leave.

I like that take-charge attitude!

[ TV Playing )

Can you watch talking
box somewhere else?

No. Can you...?

Ohh! Wyatt!

Something's happening.
Your date's going ape.

Your cologne must have
rubbed off on her.

[ Growling )

All right, that's it.

I'm getting Lisa.

- [ Computer Beeps )
- That's not the password?

But "password" has
always been the password.

- [ Beeps )
- Aah!

He must have changed it.

Excuse me, Wyatt?
I need Lisa's new password.

[ Growling )

I need Lisa's new password.

- Hrungk.
- Hrungk?

Got it. Hrungk.

Here. Have a party.

Hmm?

Hrungk? What the heck is
that supposed to mean?

This is never going to work.

Son of a g*n.

Keep your hands and
arms inside the tram

at all times and don't
make eye contact.

So they have fur on their faces.
The spell will wear off soon enough.

See? They're losing
interest in each other.

I don't feel... good.

- Why didn't you do something.
- I was stunned.

- What did you do?
- You have magic powers.

Do something!

That wasn't quite what I had in mind.

[ Chattering ) Well, well.

Looks like we've got company.

Come out, come out
wherever you are!

[ Laughter )

Huh? The old raptor strategy:

create a diversion in front while
you flank me from the side.

Well, you're going to have to be
one crafty vermin to put one over

on probationary buck private
third class Chett Donnelly.

Whoa!

Aah!

[ Groaning )

- I'll be back...
- [ Laughter )

To blow you back to whatever
planet you came from you mutant...

- There they are.
- Look at that.

- That's disgusting.
- Oh, I don't know.

- They make a cute couple.
- Huh?

Um... I just wanted to say

I had a really wonderful time...
tonight, Wyatt.

- Yeah, me too.
- What are we doing up here?

Up where?

Wyatt turns Mindy into
an ape shares head lice

and she still goes out with him?

Never underestimate the
power of animal instinct.

[ Growling )

Ugh.