02x01 - Lisa's Virus

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Gunther, what's taking so long?

I'm coming. Don't call me Gunther.

Why not? Gunther's going to
get you more babes than Wyatt.

Gunther screams,
speed metal, rock drummer.

Hey, can I use your computer?

No way.

- I want to check out this new game.
- No. Absolutely not.

Then "No" it is, Gunther.

WOMAN: Welcome to "Virtual Hooters."

Warning: this program contains
grap and requires a joystick.

- Are you touching my stuff?
- No.

Where's your joystick?

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

Oh... This leather Catwoman
suit is making me sweat.

If you'd like to take a
shower with me, press F2 now.

I hate to see a woman sweat.

[ Electronic Buzzing )

Something's wrong!

Yeah, no hooters.

Where did you get
this disk anyway?

This looks like a virus.

It's stuck.
It's eating my hard drive!

- Take it out.
- Just let me do it.

- Problem solved.
- But I had a special tool.

You better pray your disk
didn't screw up Lisa's file.

Will you relax?

Where is she?

Don't tell me. I never forget a face.

You okay?

If you'd like to take a shower
with me, press F2 now.

She's fine.
Now, where's that joystick?

She's sick. She doesn't know
who she is or what she's doing.

- Because of the disk?
- Yeah, your disk.

- You infected her with a virus.
- Maybe it's a 24-hour thing.

- It will get worse.
- Any good news?

If I can locate the virus,
and if I can debug the program

then maybe she'll be all right
but if I can't...

- What?
- We may lose her.

You've got to stay in bed
till we can fix the virus.

If you feel like throwing up, try
to make it into Chett's room.

Can you see the TV okay?

[ Sneezes )

What am I doing in bed? And why
are you talking to me like a baby?

- Lisa, you feel better?
- I feel fine. Why?

- You blanked out.
- We were worried.

Oh, that's sweet. [ Sneezes )

If you'd like to unzip me with
your teeth just press F2 now.

Maybe I better stay with her.

We'll be back soon. Try to sleep.

You're very kind, miss.

- Where did you get that disk?
- Lubec.

What do you say, guys?
Jessica Rabbit video stills.

She's not naked.
She's just drawn that way.

You sold me a bogus disk.

I'll make sure someone
does something about that.

- We need the original.
- I can't help you.

Maybe you'd like your customerso
know you've been circulating a virus.

But I heard a dog's mouth
was cleaner than a human's.

We're talking about
a computer virus.

- Oh, right.
- I need the original disk now.

I don't have it.
Principal Scampi confiscated it.

# Tingly wet, fresh and clean #

# Crack a smile with gum-tyne #

TV MAN: Somewhere between
danger and romance

between love and treachery,
there is One Life of Love.

- I don't see him, Brooke.
- Maybe he gave up.

Damien will never give up.
Do you believe me now, Brooke?

Yes, Michael.
I believe everything.

Your amnesia.
Your bungled sex-change operation.

Your lactose intolerance.
I just hope that it isn't too late for us.

I'll protect you, Brooke.

Even Damien is no match
for the power of our love.

I hope your love is stronger
than a hollow-tipped b*llet.

Damien!

Michael!

I'll always love you, Michael.

[ Sobbing )

I'll always love you, Michael.

[ Door Opening )

Michael!

Oh, Michael!

It's you. You're alive.

- Sorry. Wrong house.
- I thought you were dead.

[ Sighing )
Who are you?

And how long are you staying?

Oh, no. Amnesia!

Oh, Michael. It's me, Brooke.
Remember?

The shootout at the wharf?
You took a b*llet for me.

- Okay.
- We have to get out of here now.

Damien will k*ll you
if he sees you alive.

Let's back up.
You want me to go away with me?

We can't waste a moment.
Gee... I'm a little torn.

On the one hand, you're a babe.

On the other hand
you're a complete psycho.

[ Moaning )

I'll drive.

All right, then, when we get
in there let me do the talking.

Don't you think we should
beg as a team?

No. I don't. You've done
enough with your "Hooter Disk."

It's always Gary's fault.
Gary broke the window.

Gary lost the remote.
Gary peed in the jacuzzi.

You peed in the jacuzzi?

Gentlemen, you're up.

If we don't get that disk back
I could lose all my computer files.

Including one special file
that's taught us a lot about life.

Ah, yes. I'm a tetris fan myself.

Boys, I appreciate your dilemma,
but allow me to speak frankly.

I am but a cog. Moments after
I confiscated that disk it passed

into the hands of another cog
in turn passed it

to any one of a million other cogs.

- You don't know where it is?
- If I knew that, I'd be a much bigger cog.

WOMAN: If you want to see
my tattoo dance, press F2 now.

[ Beep )

We'll be safe here.

Damien would never risk
sh**ting you in a public place.

Of course not.
Not our old friend Damien.

Now, help me out on this
amnesia thing. You and I are...?

- Lovers.
- Good answer.

And that means that we,
uh... "Rocked the casbah"?

So many times,
so many different places.

Hot tub? Mile-high club?

First-class.

Have we ever done it in a
restaurant full of a lot of people?

Not yet.

Lisa?

- She's gone!
- Relax. She's sick.

- She couldn't have gotten far.
- Oh. Right.

She's only a magic genie capable
of traveling through time and space.

- We'll split up.
- Great! You take time.

- I'll take space.
- Flip the computer on and off real fast.

It works on my hair dryer.

That's... That's genius, right up there
with jamming scissors in my hard drive.

- Why don't we just whack it with a shovel?
- What's your problem?

If we turn off the computer
we might never get her back.

You wouldn't know that,
'cause you never listen.

- I listen.
- You're Useless. Hey!

That'll be you nickname.
You call me "Gunther"

and I'll call you "Useless."

One jumbo iced tea.

See that set of curves over there?

She wants me. She needs me.

She broke into my house
just to be near me. Yep.

She's crazy about me...
or maybe she's just crazy--

You know, one of those
Black Widow ladies

who pick some schmo out of
the blue and lures them

into her web with that sweet smile.
Then...

[ Making Sucking Sounds )

Next thing you know,
she's feeding on your carcass

- and you never saw it coming.
- Michael.

Coming, sweet-ums.

Let me see if I've got this straight.
Your stepmother has a love child

by my dad before
they escaped from prison?

No. During. But don't worry.
You'll get your memory back.

You know what would
really jog my memory?

- A tongue bath.
- Michael, look at you.

You're not a tough guy.
It's just a mask.

You're trying to cover the pain
you felt growing up in the barrio.

- In the barrio.
- Underneath, I know who you really are.

- You do?
- You're kind and sensitive,

selfless, peace-loving and
wonderful with small forest animals.

- You see that in me?
- You're everything I want, darling?

- You're my perfect man.
- So it doesn't bother you that...

I'm unemployed... collect g*ns
and... live with my parents?

No. It shows me that you
love your family.

Brooke, I know that we've only
known each other "for a lifetime."

But I'm starting to think
you're my perfect woman.

Then come away with me.
We can go

to my father's private island
and live in Paradise.

Together forever, safe from Damien.
Go away forever?

I can't just up and... blow down.

I have a life here.

But imagine it, Michael--
the two of us together.

Imagine it... with me.

Paradise it is.
I've got to make to call.

[ Shivering )

[ Sneezes )

ANNOUNCER: And now, we return to...

Where is she?
Tell me where she is.

Where's Brooke? Huh?
Oh, won't talk, huh?

Well, maybe his will help your memory.

Brooke?

Come on. I can't just stand
here, doing nothing.

You got to let me help.

The more you do nothing,
the more you help, "Useless."

- You ever beenin a fistfight, Wyatt?
- [ Phone Ringing )

Lisa?!

Lisa?

CHETT: Do I sound lika a "Lisa"
to you, bugwits?

Chett.

A supermodel's taking me
to her island Paradise.

We'll get it on for
the rest of our lives.

I'll let Mom know. Bye.

Seeing as I'll be away a while make
sure you feed my gerbils to my snake.

"Feed gerbils to snake, going
to island with supermodel."

- Got it. Bye!
- You don't believe me, do you?

- Michael, Damien saw me.
- Brooke, say hello to my little brother.

- Hello, little brother.
- [ Dial Tone )

Lisa?! Lisa?!

What happend?

Lisa?! I know where she is.

We've got to get out of here.
Damien's found us.

Damien, the illegitimate
son of your mother's butler.

He's got a g*n.
We have to hide. In here!

I can't go in there!

Is what a ladies' room look like.

- Lisa's not here.
- She and Chett must have left.

How will we find them?

My guess is, we follow him.

Excuse me! Anybody in there?

Hold your breath.

Huh. Not much privacy.

Lisa must be nearby.
Come on!

[ Both Panting )
I can't go any further, Michael.

I don't see that Damien guy.

Positive.

He'll stop at nothing. Oh, Michael!

You know, that name is really
starting to grow on me.

Promise me, Michael, that nothing
will get in the way of our love.

If you promise you weren't
yanking me about

spending eternity making
love on a beach.

Yank you? How could I yank you?

I love you.

Well, well. If it isn't
Hill Valley's favorite couple.

- Lady and the chump.
- You... calling me a chump, pal?

[ c*ck Hammer )

Ooh, a nine-millimeter.
Nice little pop g*n.

But you can't k*ll me now,

now that I've found
that love of my life.

- LISA: You mean that?
- With k*ller squeezes like those?

What am I, stupid?
You may get off a shot or two

but I'll have your head on a pole
before the casings hit the ground.

- [ c*ck Hammer )
- Okay. Take her.

Sorry, babe. I'm out of here.

The only place you're going is hell.

But before I k*ll you,
I'm going to tell you why.

- It all started at the hair academy.
- I know that guy.

That's Damien.
This is Hill Valley Wharf.

- And over there's the hair academy.
- What are you talking about?

We're in the middle of a scene
from the soap opera One Life to Love.

You watch soaps?

When I was out with strep
throat I turned it on.

- Bang! I was hooked.
- And as I watched you steal

that golden coif award from me
I vowed I'd see you dead.

I got to save Chett.

- I got an idea.
- Will you shut up?

- I need a second to think.
- Maybe in the afterlife,

you'll think twice bofore stealing
another man's golden coif.

Wait! Don't sh**t!

What the...?

- Don't you recognize me?
- Huh?

It's me... Gary
your long-lost son.

- I don't have a son.
- Yes, you do.

You had an affair with
my mother 15 years ago

at that... place near the thing,
remember?

Your mother was a jamaican princess?

Uh... no. The other one.

- The wet nurse?
- Yes! The wet nurse.

I spent my life looking for you

an we're together I won't
let you go to prison.

- Please, Dad, don't k*ll them.
- What if it's a trick?

How do I knew you are my son?

We have something in common.

The third nipple.

Son.

- Dad!
- Son!

This is the happiest
day of my life.

- I didn't know you had a third nipple.
- It's a major pimple.

I don't feel very well.

We got to get her home.
She's getting worse.

Where are you cud-wads
going with my woman?

Brooke and I belong together.

She knows me better
than any other woman.

We were going to spend
eternity together in Paradise...

- If you still love me.
- Of course, I love you, Michael.

It's Chett, but it's okay.

We'll talk later, Chett.

Bye, Dad.

Bye, son.

[ Lisa Sneezes )

- Can you fix her now?
- I don't know.

I've isolated the virus but we
won't know if she's okay

until we shut Lisa down
and reboot the computer.

[ Sneezes )

- There is a chance we'll lose her.
- You're genius.

If anyone can save her, you can.

I'll wait outside so
I won't screw things up.

Don't say that.
What you did back at the wharf?

That was really great.
Really...

smart. I never would have
come up with that stuff.

You pretty much stood
there like an idiot.

- I know.
- Like a useless idiot like a clueless, useless...

Okay. I got it. Thanks.

Lisa?

You're going away for a while.
When you come back,

- you'll feel better.
- Really?

- We'll see you in a little bit.
- Love you, Daddy.

Love you, Mom.

Let's see if we can save her.

Why don't you do it?

[ Sighs )

Here it goes.

Hi, guys. I'm staving.
Anyone up for some pizza?

BOTH: Yes!

I'll always love you.
But you must understand.

My hearts belongs to Steve now.

Your are.

- My heart belongs to Steve.
- [ Gasps )

Oh, Michael!

Excuse me.

[ Laughter )

Would you happen to know
how I can get the hell out of here?

[ Sighs )

ANNOUNCER: Will Chett ever get
the hell out of Hill Valley?

Find out tomorrow
on One life to Love.