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Honey Don't! (2025)

Comedy Movie Collection.
(Buddy/Dark/Black/Parody/Screwball/Slapstick/Sketch/Satire/Spoof/Mock/Comedians/etc.)

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Comedy Movie Collection.

Honey Don't! (2025)

Post by bunniefuu »

(wind whistling softly)

(insects trilling)

(bird screeching in distance)

(metallic creaking)

(audiobook playing indistinctly

over speaker)

(over speakers): Your rod and

your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me...

(sighs)

...in the presence

of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil.

My cup overflows.

Surely your goodness and love

will follow me...

(audiobook continues

playing indistinctly)

(grunts)



(over speakers):

Your rod and your staff,

-they comfort me.

-(footsteps receding)

(water splashing gently)

(breathing heavily)

(engine starts)

("We Gotta Get Out of This

Place" by Brittany Howard plays)

In this dirty old part

of the city

Where the sun

refused to shine

People tell me there ain't

no use in tryin'

Now, my girl,

you're so young and pretty

And one thing I know is true

You're gonna die

before your time is due

I know it

Watch my mama in bed a-dyin'

Watch her hair

been turnin' gray, yeah

She's been workin'

and slavin' her life away

Yes, I know it

Yeah

She's been workin' so hard

Yeah

And I've been

workin', too, baby

-Yeah

-Every night and day

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

We gotta get out

of this place

If it's the last thing

we ever do

We gotta get out

of this place

'Cause, girl,

there's a better life

For me and you

Now, my girl,

you're so young and pretty

And one thing

I know is true, yeah

You're gonna die

before your time is due

I know it

Watch my mama in bed a-dyin'

Watch her hair

been a-turnin' gray, yeah

She's been workin'

and slavin' her life away

You know she's been

workin' so hard

Yeah

I've been workin', too, baby

Yeah

Every day, baby

-Yeah

-Oh...

-Oh, oh...

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

We gotta get out

of this place

If it's the last thing

we ever do

We gotta get out

of this place

Girl, there's a better life

for me and you

Somehow I know it, baby

We gotta get out

of this place

If it's the last thing

we ever do

We gotta get out

of this place

'Cause, girl, there's

a better life for me and you

(tires screech)

Believe me, baby.

(crashing)

(song ends)

(cell phone vibrating)

HONEY:

Hello?

Where?

Okay.

Yeah. Okay.

That was amazing.

Yeah, it was.

I got to go out.

Door will lock behind you.

(insects trilling)

(indistinct police radio

chatter)

MARTY:

Well, well.

Honey O'Donahue.

To what do we owe the honor?

Is this girl a client?

Medical examiner's

on his way out.

He's gonna render opinion

is she dead or not.

Uh, tell me what you think.

No.

Not dead?

Pretty f*cked-up, though.

-Not a client.

-Ah.

So, uh, what are you here

at a traffic fatality?

What are you?

What do I what?

Homicide detective at

a traffic fatality-- how come?

Well, I'll tell you

if you tell me something.

sh**t.

Well, uh, you're unattached.

Uh, why won't you see me

socially?

This is social.

She's not a client.

And, Marty...

I like girls.

(scoffs)

Eh, you always say that.

(traffic passing)

SPIDER: Mr. Siegfried

doesn't have an appointment.

He's wondering if he could have

a brief interview right now.

HONEY:

Yeah, sure.

And you can cancel

tomorrow's appointment

with Mia Novotny.

SPIDER: Should I charge her

for the canceled appointment?

She didn't cancel. She withdrew.

Tell you later.

Come on in, Mr. Siegfried.

(quiet squeaking)

COVID.

Okay.

It's still around.

I think my boyfriend

is seeing someone.

I'm sure he is.

How do you know?

(sighs softly)

Nobody ever comes in here

saying that

when everything's okay.

Want my opinion?

I'm a private investigator,

but on a first interview,

I do advice for the lovelorn,

and it's free.

Either ignore the affair

or bring it up

with your boyfriend

in a nonhostile way.

Wine and flowers,

honest discussion.

Honest about each other's

needs, desires, so forth.

The one thing

you don't want to do is

pay me a hundred bucks an hour

to learn something

we both already know.

No, I have to know.

I'm saying you do know.

I need to know specifics:

who, where, when.

I need to be able

to rub it in his face.

Rub it in his lying

b*stard face.



DIZZY: Honey, Honey,

Honey, Honey, Honey!

Hello, Dizzy.

Hi, Honey.

You want some mac and cheese?

Already had lunch.

This is dinner.

I'm fine.

I brought some grapefruits.

Oh, thanks,

but the kids won't eat 'em.

They won't eat anything

that isn't yellow.

-They're yellow.

-LARRY JR.: What the f*ck?

-HEIDI: The outside is yellow.

-(door slams)

Honey, will you marry me?

I can't marry you, Dizzy.

-You're not old enough.

-Where's my charger?

Well, when I'm older,

will you marry me?

Not even then.

There's a law against it.

What's the law?

People can't marry their aunts.

That's bullshit! Why?

'Cause our kids would be

your sons and daughters,

but they'd also be

your nephews and nieces,

and it gets too confusing.

I could keep track of it.

But we can't break the law.

We can hide.

We can go live in the forest.

There isn't any forest.

Not a strip of shade

between here and Bakersfield.

Don't talk down where he lives.

I'm not. I'm just saying

there's no trees.

Heidi, do you ever feed them

fresh fruit?

I feed them what they'll eat.

Parenting is not rocket science.

I'll eat it, Honey.

Let me peel it for you.

-Yes. Sorry. -You take

my charger, you snotsnivel?

Nobody should tell you

how to parent.

HEIDI:

Don't call your brother that.

And say hello to your aunt.

-My aunt?

-DIZZY: She meant "ant."

Shut up, snotsnivel.

-Are you a mind reader?

-Everyone, shut up.

I'm trying to sleep.

If you came home

before 3:00 in the morning,

-you could sleep at night.

-CORINNE: You didn't.

-Mom, what is this?

-Say hello to Honey.

CORINNE:

You didn't wash the sheets!

-I didn't have time.

-Mom.

Oh, God! Blood, blood, blood!

-I didn't have time.

-DIZZY: Oh, my God.

-You can wash them.

-CORINNE: Me?

Yes, you, Corinne.

DIZZY:

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

What happened to Corinne?

She's menstruating, ding-dong.

HEIDI:

It's just a condition.

-DIZZY: A condition? Oh, my God!

-(Corinne scoffs)

It's fine.

Dizzy, every woman menstruates.

Oh, my God. You don't

menstruate, do you, Honey?

(baby fussing)

They excited

about their new brother?

They don't even notice

the siblings they already have.

-And you want another one?

-(horn honks)

HEIDI:

Don't tell me how to parent.

If you think

this buys you the right...

-It's just to help.

-(horn honks)

MICKIE:

Corinne!

I'm not telling you

how to parent.

I'm asking you how many

you're gonna parent.

CORINNE:

Thank you, Nini.

Home by midnight.

CORINNE:

I'm not coming home tonight.

Hey, babe.

Don't say anything.

(truck door closes)

I didn't.

-(engine revs)

-(tires squeal)

I haven't said a word

since we were kids.

-(big rig horn blasting)

-(rhythmic thumping)

Yes, you are the light.

-DREW: Uh-huh.

-Yes, you are the light.

And hold it lower.

It-it won't...

it won't go lower.

-Tip it lower.

-(sighs)

No. No. No.

The point is for me

to see your bosom jouncing

while we have fellowship.

Oh.

-Yes, you are the light.

-(grunts)

-Yes.

-Tip it left.

My left or your left?

We're facing the same way!

-g*dd*mn it.

-(knocking at door)

I'm sorry, Reverend Drew.

-You aren't being very clear.

-(sighs)

-Should I just...

-What?!

Reverend.

I was driving up with

a shipment with Little Joey.

All of a sudden,

he starts frothing at the mouth

like a f*cking rabid dog.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait!

Big Little Joey or Little Joey?

Uh, Junior. Little Joey.

(sighs)

Okay.

So, so, he's frothing

at the mouth like a...

like Mr. Bubble,

and all of a sudden, he stops

frothing and screaming, and...

anyway, he's, um... he's, um...

he's dead.

-He's dead?

-He's dead.

(sighs)

And where is this? (sniffs)

-In the cab of the truck.

-Yes.

-Where's the truck, Shuggie?

-Uh, uh, uh,

we were in Long Beach,

uh, thereabouts,

and, uh, I just finished

driving here.

Didn't know what else to do,

quite frankly.

Is he still dead?

Y-Yeah. Well,

what do you mean, Reverend?

I mean I think he's still dead.

That's my guess.

-That's not gonna change.

-No, Reverend.

So why'd you

have to interrupt this?

What...

Oh, uh, sorry.

S-Sorry. I apologize, miss.

-Should I come...

-No, no, it's all right.

I'll come out.

(sobbing):

Joey.

Joey! Joey!

(whimpering):

Joey.

-He's gone, Joey.

-No! No!

Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey!

-Joey! Joey! Joey!

-Was he using our matter?

-Hmm?

-Did he O.D.?

-BIG LITTLE JOEY: Joey!

-SHUGGIE: Oh, yeah.

-Yeah, O.D.

-(sobbing continues)

Lot of snot and drool.

Did you know he was using?

-Using our matter?

-Nah.

DREW: Because it was not

his matter to use.

-It's the church's.

-(sobbing): Come on, Joey.

SHUGGIE:

Yeah, of course.

This is God's punishment.

His will be done.

BIG LITTLE JOEY (crying):

We're going home, Joey.

DREW:

And if I thought for one second

that you were using the matter,

doing it with him,

taking our matter,

our church's matter...

(sobbing continues)

SHUGGIE: Nah, it's not

my style, Reverend.

The body's a temple.

You should see me

with a Shake Weight.

(grunts)

What the hell is he doing?

(sobbing)

He parked at the Walmart.

(Big Little Joey

continues sobbing)

(piano playing melancholy tune)

Hello, Elle.

Gary around?

He says he is.

How are you doing, Honey?

Ain't seen you in a while.

Didn't go and get sober,

did you?

I wouldn't do that.

And don't.

First step on a slippery slope.

Stop drinking, start exercising,

have sex with men,

-vote Republican.

-(toilet flushes, door opens)

Take it from me, Honey.

I've been there.

The lost years.

Honey O'Donahue,

ain't seen you in a minute.

Want a drink? Noon somewhere.

No, thanks.

What can you tell me

about this woman, Mia Novotny?

Oh.

Well, I was pretty angry at her

when she didn't show up

for her shift Tuesday,

so when I find out she's dead,

that's a pretty good excuse

for missing work,

so I'm the dope.

-Uh-huh.

-Yeah, I'm a d*ck.

Mad at a poor dead woman.

People can always find a way

to put you in the wrong.

Yeah. Dead people.

The worst.

Sure you don't want nothing?

Do, but I can't right now.

She working here long?

Hardly nothing at all-- a week.

Why? She owe you money?

No. I never even met her.

She called, said she was

afraid of something

the cops couldn't help her with.

We were supposed to meet here

today after her shift.

Yeah, well,

you can't help her now.

Yeah. Feel lousy.

She called for help.

I said I'd help.

ELLE: Couldn't have helped

her real problem:

taking curves too fast.

Uh-huh.

"Uh-huh" what?

Cops said it was an accident.

I don't know what to tell you.

Lived in Lamont.

About all I know.

You sleep with her?

Me? No.

Little too pleasant.

I don't like a positive person.

She smiled, you know?

ELLE:

Nice a*s, though.

Yeah. Give her that.

("Odd Wad Wankers"

by Margaret Qualley playing)

We were sailing to the sea

We were sailing

to the sea

We were sailing to the sea

We were sailing

to the sea

We were sailing to the sea

We were sailing to the sea

We are odd wad wankers

(over stereo):

Odd wad wankers

Odd wad wankers,

odd wad wankers

We are odd wad wankers...

(song continues quietly)

(sighs)

You know you don't have to

stay here when you come up.

You could stay at my place.

(French accent):

Mm... no.

We were sailing

to the sea...

Everything okay?

Oui.

But they aren't happy.

Les peuples.

Who's not happy?

Les peuples.

Oh, oh.

Well, uh, why not?

We're doing well.

We're all doing well.

They're getting their share.

'Cause they think we are doing

not so good, maybe.

We are going to be doing

more better

with someone else, maybe.

Someone who makes, uh,

fewer people dead.

Jesus Christ.

That wasn't my fault.

Dead people brings police,

et cetera.

They don't care about fault.

Someone happens to die in

some accident that has nothing

to do with our business,

that's not gonna ruin my day.

Haven't les peuples ever heard

of God's plan?

Hmm.

I do appreciate you

helping with this.

This means there won't be

any police, et cetera.

I will tell them, uh,

God's plan,

but I don't know.

They are French.

Very...

secular.

Honey O'Donahue.

To what do we owe the honor?

-That woman in Antelope Canyon.

-Dead one?

-There was only one.

-Yeah.

And the coroner confirmed

she was PFD.

-Huh?

-Pretty f*cking dead.

Yeah, I remember

you didn't have an opinion.

Hey, what are you doing tonight?

Book club.

Do you have an address for her?

The dead girl? Yeah.

I like books.

What was the last book

you read, Marty?

(line ringing)

Uh... yeah, what was the one?

-Uh...

-MG (over phone): Yeah.

Hey, MG, uh,

will you give Honey our address

on Novotny, the, uh, dead girl

in Antelope Canyon?

All right, thanks.

Hey, what's your connection?

-You never said.

-No, I didn't.

Well, uh, MG's got the address.

Let me know

if you find anything.

Uh, she lived with her mother.

Her mother's a pain in the a*s.

She won't tell you nothing.

It's a traffic fatality,

speeding on the curve.

I don't know why

you don't like me.

I'm a good guy.



(high heels clacking)

Address you wanted.

Thanks, MG.

Anytime.

Honey, right?

I love those

click-clacking heels.

-(quiet chatter)

-(piano playing gentle music)

Cinnamon schnapps?

-Got a date.

-Mm.

I don't want my breath smelling.

Uh, Mr. Colligan?

Yeah.

This is not the date.

(chuckling):

Believe me.

Uh, Mr. Colligan,

I got your order.

Thank you.

(Colligan sighs)

Well? Can I have it?

Uh, you're supposed to pay.

And-and for the last order,

so...

Oh, f*ck's sake.

I'll be right back.

Let's go outside

and discuss this, friend.

Look, I have a tab.

All right,

this is not a street deal.

Uh, I-I know nothing about that.

I'm supposed to get money,

and they said that,

for the last order,

you didn't pay, so...

What are you,

the accounting department?

(scoffs) Listen to me.

I have a date.

This is for a party.

I'm busy.

Can I please have the order?

Uh, y-you're supposed to pay.

Hello! Do you speak English?

I don't have the money on me.

Okay.

I think that

we can figure this out.

Just let me have it, and I'll

pay you the next time I order.

For right now,

I'll suck your c*ck.

Just to make it right.

Okay?



Motherfuck...

(grunts)

(groans weakly)

-(car door closes)

-(engine starts)

(tires squealing)

-(thud)

-(gasps)

(engine revving)

(whimpers)

-(tires squealing)

-(whimpers)

(trembling breaths)

(dialing phone)

(line ringing)

("Adult Diversion" by Alvvays

playing over radio)

How do I get close to you

Even if you don't notice

as I...

(song stops)

(doorbell rings)

RAY:

Ask if it's collection.

They got to say

if it's collection.

It's a woman.

RAY:

They can be women.

I'm not collecting anything,

and I don't want your money.

Your daughter called me

the day before she passed away.

You don't know why

she might have called me?

RAY:

Hell no.

She don't know.

Ma'am?

I really don't.

I mean, who calls

a private detective?

Somebody got a cheating spouse

or what?

I-I don't know.

Mia didn't have no spouse

and no steady.

I don't know.

I truly don't.

Detective--

that's the craziest thing.

Someone from this family

calling a detective?

That's like calling

the cable company

-when you ain't got any cable.

-(cat's bell jingling)

Why on earth

would you do such a thing?

RAY:

Told you-- she don't know.

(door creaking)

MRS. NOVOTNY:

She read them self-help books.

I think it was that car.

She was a good driver.

I think it was a malfunction.

She just brought it in

for a malfunction.

Just brought it in.

Had to leave it at the shop

and ride the bus into town.

We do not ride the bus.

We are not cheap

Christmas trash.

We are homeowners.

You ride the bus, Ray?

Hell no. I drive.

We drive.

We do not ride the bus.

(cat's bell jingling)

Well, they tell her it's fixed

and give it back to her,

but you know your mechanic

will take advantage of you.

That's widely known.

That was from her church

in town.

I don't know which one

she went to.

She never wore that

in the house.

Them, neither.

But action ungoverned is not

action in service of the Lord.

(congregation murmuring

in agreement)

Action must connect

to submission.

And submission is not passive.

And action is not unbridled.

Only when we submit vigorously

to the will of God

do we serve him.

CONGREGATION:

Amen!

We submit, and yet we act.

(congregation murmuring

in agreement)

We act, and yet we submit.

Even to the desire of the body

do we submit actively

and so serve the Lord.

(congregation murmuring

in agreement)

Now, you all know

what a piece of macaroni does.

(congregation murmuring,

chuckling)

What does a piece

of macaroni do?

CONGREGATION:

Nothing!

It just sits there!

And is that macaroni

serving the Lord?

CONGREGATION:

No!

We are not macaroni.

We serve the temple

through action.

We serve the temple

through submission.

We do not serve the temple

by sitting there like macaroni.

(congregation murmuring

in agreement)

Now, you all know

who the Pharisees were.

(congregation murmuring

in agreement)

Pharisees were high and mighty.

-So they thought.

-(murmuring in agreement)

They knew the law

right down to the letter,

and that made them holy.

So they thought.

They knew right.

They prayed right.

-But did they act right?

-CONGREGATION: No!

And what does that make them?

CONGREGATION:

Macaroni!

The Pharisees were macaroni.

-Action.

-(quiet murmuring)

Duty.

-Passion!

-CONGREGATION: Yes.

-Submission!

-Yes!

Those are the Four Ways!

Those are the only Four Ways!

And in serving our temple,

doing our duty...

-Yes!

-...we serve the Lord.

-And we serve his minister.

-(enthusiastic murmuring)

And there is no higher service!

(congregation cheering)

DREW:

But he's such a nice boy.

What did he say happened?

Well, I think the guy

he was sent to collect from

made some kind of, um...

p*nis move.

A p*nis move?

Some move that was

against Hector's, um...

his, uh... his code of machismo.

Okay.

Couldn't really get

a description out of him.

He was, uh, very upset.

Upset? Yeah.

Well, I guess he was

if the guy is all gunked up

in his tire treads.

We cleaned his tires.

Cleaned his whole car.

Yes, I know,

but that doesn't make

-the dead guy go away.

-No, yeah.

Yeah, most of him... most of him

was still in the parking lot.

Well, the French are not

gonna like this.

-The-the French?

-Don't worry about it.

It's above your pay grade.

I mean, I have to worry

about it.

Believe me.

But, Reverend,

you don't know anyone

will connect Hector to it.

So no one saw Hector

and the guy?

Only the bartender.

Okay. (sighs)

Well...

now we got to k*ll him.

(grunts)

Uh, okay. Wow.

Okay. Well, I'll, um... (sniffs)

I'll find out where he lives.

You don't know where he lives?

How would I know where he lives?

Hector?

W-We're talking about Hector?

Who the f*ck do you think

we're talking about?

The bartender.

Why the f*ck

would we k*ll the bartender?

He saw Hector.

And he's talked to the police.

That ship has sailed, dingbat.

(sighs)

Hey, it's too bad.

I liked Hector.

-HECTOR: Abuela!

-S?

HECTOR:

Abuela.

(speaking Spanish)

(sighs, continues

speaking Spanish)

(wind whistling softly)



(wind whistling)

(rustling, creaking)

(bird squawking in distance)

(wind whistling)



(sniffs)

Abuela!

(running footsteps)

Abuela!

Abuela. Abuela.

(gasping breaths)

(grunts) Oh, sorry, mate.

It's not my idea.

I just work here.

(grunting fiercely)

(groans)

(both grunt)

(gurgling)

(yells)

(breathing weakly)

(grunting)

(breathing heavily, whimpering)

(sobbing):

Abuela!

(man sobbing)

I'm so sorry for your loss.

(buzzing)

Seems you were right.

The bartender said

your partner had a date.

(continues sobbing)

Though it wasn't

with his assailant.

Your appointment

with the Gramercys?

Oh, yes.

And they don't know who did it?

No, not yet.

And they don't know...

you don't know who his...

who his... his date was with?

To be honest,

I hadn't started working on it.

(Mr. Siegfried sobs)

I don't think there's any point

in pursuing that now,

is there, Mr. Siegfried?

I don't know. I don't know.

I mean, I-I-I don't know.

I think it's best

if we let sleeping dogs lie.

I'll let you know

if there's any progress

on the police investigation

of your partner's passing.

(continues sobbing)

Perhaps you have a friend or...

a clergyman

who can help you grieve?

(door closes)

(sighs)

(door closes in distance)

(sighs)

I could make you a,

you know, database.

Computers.

Thanks. I've got a system.

Can you get me a number

for MG Falcone?

I don't have her.

-Call the precinct.

-Personal number.

You ever just go home

and read a book?

Number.

(indistinct sportscast

playing over TV)

(high heels clacking)



HONEY:

How was your day?

Tequila and... just tequila.

Uh, the usual.

Listening to people complain,

waiting for 5:00.

Yours?

Slow.

Not much doing at work.

Had a cheating spouse case,

but the spouse got k*lled.

Case before that, client died.

The woman in Antelope Canyon?

Yeah.

No more client,

why go to her house?

Nothing else to do.

You don't have hobbies?

You mean like...

-step dancing?

-Yeah.

Do you?

Have a hobby?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

What do you do?

What do I do?

I knit.

You knit?

Yeah.

Right now I'm...

I'm knitting the periodic table

of the elements.

To hang on the wall.

'Cause sometimes you forget one.

You want a reference.

-That's right.

-On the wall.

That's right.

(sets glass on bar)

On the wall's not knitting,

though.

(shuddering breaths)

That's crochet.

Crochet is...

a kind of knitting.

No, actually...

crochet is crochet.

(heavy, shuddering breaths)

I love first date stuff.

Turn-ons, turn-offs.

Your trip to Cancn.

Come here a lot?

-No. You?

-BARTENDER: Ladies?

Another?

(breathing heavily)

No, we're ready

to get out of here.

Before we get arrested.

For getting to know each other?





(breathing heavily)

Okay.

(grunting)

(gasping)

(moaning)

(doorbell rings)

I couldn't go home, Honey.

You know Mom

would just freak out

and say, "I told you so."

She hates Mickie so much.

Yeah, sucks when your parents

are right.

Doesn't happen much.

CORINNE: Yeah, but I don't need

to hear it from her.

Your boyfriend beats you up and

I'm not gonna tell your mother?

No, I... Y-Yes.

You know, she's just

in my sh*t so much already.

She isn't in your sh*t enough.

She just yells at me, Honey.

I mean, look at me.

I need support right now.

I don't need that.

Please, Honey,

why does Mom have to know?

You know she's just gonna yell

and call the cops.

Cops already know.

MG's a cop, Corinne.

They don't all look like

Tom of Finland.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God. (stammering)

We don't have to make it

official, do we?

Mickie doesn't mean

anything by it.

He-he loves me. He just...

You know, he gets

in these moods.

Your face didn't get pushed in

by a mood, honey doll.

Suit yourself.

I got to get dressed.

Sweetie?

I should tell your mother,

but I won't

if you promise not to see

that creep again.

Yeah, no, I won't.

Of course, I won't.

-MG: She's lying.

-No, I'm not!

SPIDER:

She put up a fight?

Just the right amount.

-What's this?

-Mia's robe you asked about.

That's who buys it around here.

Four-Way Temple?

That's their address.

Seen their sign.

"God's love is free."

You like free love,

don't you, boss?

Not with God I don't.

I'm not a pervert.

Allegedly.

DREW:

Active submission.

Not macaroni.

(grunts)

-(moaning) -Cara, you're going

to slide back towards me

and submit yourself actively

to my mouth.

Brandi, stay with her.

Don't lose the sacred contact,

and through me...

-(Hector yells)

-(Brandi and Cara gasp)

You k*lled my abuela!

You k*lled my...

Hector, not in the sacristy.

G-Get away, miss!

Get away! Get away!

(Cara and Brandi screaming)

I-I'm sorry, sorry, miss.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Hector, think about

what you're doing!

These women have done

nothing to you!

Get away, miss. Get away.

Now, Hector, think about it.

They're just like your abuela.

Don't you talk about my abuela!

I will k*ll you

a thousand times!

(panting)

(g*nsh*t)

(Cara and Brandi whimpering)

(whimpering, sobbing)

Big help you were.

He's still there.

So what?

He's been there for three hours

with one cup of coffee.

Who comes to Wiener Heaven

for a coffee?

He's, like, homeless.

And creepy.

(device beeps)

Welcome to Wiener Heaven.

May I take your order?

MAN (over speaker):

Uh, give me a...

-A what?

-Uh, a second.

Give me a second. I'm, uh...

I'm looking at the, uh...

Yeah, I-I'll have the, uh...

Take your time, sir.

Is he still there?

-Quit asking.

-Just look.

He's just homeless.

He isn't creepy.

MAN (over speaker):

Okay, I'll have the, uh...

I'll have the combo.

Which combo, sir?

The wiener combo?

They're all wiener combos, sir.

DREW:

What the f*ck?

What the f*ck?

What the f*ck?

What the f*ck does she want?

To talk to you,

is what she said.

(sighs) About what?

-Should I tell her to f*ck off?

-No.

No. You don't tell people

to f*ck off.

That's above your pay grade.

I tell people to f*ck off.

You want to run the church?

People would love that.

Love to hear your

f*cking sermons, Pork Chop.

Love to hear your thoughts

on divinity.

Are you kidding me?

Know who you are!

Know who you are!

-Okay, boss.

-(Drew sighs)

So, should I...

You should shut the f*ck up

while I think.

Okay, boss.

She's kind of hot, boss.

DREW:

Mia?

That's what it is?

That's what what is?

Your interest.

I wondered what

could possibly bring

a private investigator

to our little church.

Well, it's Mia Novotny.

-Did you know her personally?

-Private investigator.

(chuckles) And so attractive.

Did you know her personally?

Have dealings with her?

Mia?

Uh, pastoral dealings, sure.

We're a large congregation

but not that large.

I consider all my dealings

personal.

Uh-huh.

But I am puzzled, miss.

Ma'am. Ms.?

Just don't call me

late for dinner.

-(Drew laughs)

-Puzzled why?

Uh, well, because it was a,

uh... a traffic fatality.

It's a tragic thing,

it's a terrible thing, but, uh,

why is a private investigator

looking into it?

Who says I am

looking into her death?

Isn't that what

private investigators do?

On TV, maybe.

What can you tell me about her?

-Are you...

-Do you drink?

Heavily. It's a point of pride.

What can you tell me

about her...

Should you and I discuss this

over a drink?

No. This is business.

-What can you tell me about...

-After business.

Tuesdays I dry out.

What can you tell me about her?

Are you aware of any trouble

she was in?

Today is Wednesday.

Today is Tuesday.

It is Tuesday.

Can you help me, sir?

Are you aware of any trouble

she was in?

Uh, Mia was, uh, in the same

trouble we're all in.

She was lost.

-She was seeking.

-She was seeking?

I'm not really after

that kind of information.

Well, you're talking

to a priest.

An unusual priest.

Not so unusual.

I have a calling.

I help people.

Between drinks?

Judge not, Miss O'Donahue.

(chuckles)

You're fascinating.

And you haven't even seen

the riddle tattooed on my a*s.

This sex thing of yours, does it

interfere with your calling?

Does yours?

No. I keep the sex

and the work separate.

Well, my work is spiritual.

It involves the whole person.

Does it involve undressing

the whole person?

I've seen the women's wardrobe,

and it seems very different

from the men's.

Women everywhere have wardrobe

different from men's.

Now, I thought

we were talking about Mia.

Now, I liked her.

She was a beautiful girl.

I like people.

I can tell that you don't.

I help people, Miss O'Donahue.

I see a need, and I fill it.

You see a need,

and you exploit it.

You don't know that.

I see a need in you.

A need to judge.

I see you judging me right now,

and that's okay.

I forgive you.

It's your way

of shutting me out.

I could help you with that,

you know.

Help you open yourself up

to people.

Why not open yourself up,

see what happens?

You got nothing to lose

but your fears.

Thanks.

I'll stick with my dildo.

It helps me open myself, and it

doesn't have a creep attached.

-(insects trilling)

-(traffic passing)

-You got it?

-Yeah, I'll lock up.

-See you tomorrow.

-See ya.



(rattling)

(moaning)

(screams)

(grunting)

(sighs)

HONEY:

Did you see heaven?

(drawer opens)

I saw at least Palmdale.

(lighter flicks, ignites)

Next time,

we'll get you to Merced.

(exhales)

I don't usually do all that

till the third date.

(drawer closes)

I don't usually get

to a third date.

Next time, we're off the map.



Sorry, I might have left

some lipstick down there.

It's okay.

It's the only place I wear it.

I had a partner once.

Lasted a couple months, but...

I had to end it 'cause

after sex she'd weep.

Yeah, I've had that.

Why do they weep?

I never asked her.

I knew whatever she said

would piss me off.

Guess they want

the whole smorgasbord.

And you only want the one thing.

My father used to...

hit me for my table manners.

Well, he hit me all the time.

Always trying to...

beat something into me.

He a cop, too?

Military.

(sighs) Same sh*t.

w*r hero.

How'd he deal with

the whole l*sbian thing?

He never had to.

Bought it overseas,

being a hero.

It would not have

gone over well.

Yours?

Same.

Not sympathetic.

He's still around, though,

somewhere,

looking for other people

to f*ck up, I'm sure.

Let's do it again.

Don't worry, I'll leave after.



("I Told You So" by Kindred

playing quietly)

Some people like

to talk about

Their changes

Some people like

to leave it left unsaid

Every time I'm with you,

it's contagious...

(song fades)





Hey!

I love you.

(music plays briefly)

You know I could

make you coffee.

Assistants do that.

We don't begrudge General Yum

his living.

We all share this little mall.

Gee, I feel bad.

Start buying bear claws.

How'd it go?

The guy is a creep.

Maybe just a creep,

maybe more than a creep.

I wouldn't be surprised

if this girl Mia called me

because of the church.

But who knows?

(phone ringing)

Ah-ah-ah. Stop it. My job.

You sit and figure sh*t out.

O'Donahue.

HEIDI (over phone): Spider,

do you know if Corinne...

-Is Honey around?

-Sure, Heidi.

Right here.

-What's up?

-HEIDI: Hey, Honey.

Have you heard from Corinne?

I'm worried.

Have I heard today? No.

They called from work.

She didn't show up.

-She doesn't answer her phone.

-(baby fussing over phone)

-When did she leave?

-What?

-For work.

-She didn't from here.

She wasn't home last night.

She must have been at Mickie's.

g*dd*mn it.

She promised me she wouldn't

see that creep again.

I'll go over there

and talk to her...

HEIDI:

Promised you? When?

I... I saw her.

She and Mickie had a fight.

I'm sorry.

I should've told you I saw her.

What? Why did she go to you?

She... I don't know.

I'm sure she just didn't want

to get yelled at, Heidi.

(whispers):

What are you looking for?

HEIDI:

How could you do that, Honey?

You're not her mother.

-Sorry, Heidi.

-Now I don't know where she is.

-I-I...

-I'll take care of this.

HEIDI:

Why would you do that?

HONEY:

Corinne here?

No. Who are you?

-I'm her aunt.

-f*ck!

(sighs) Just making sure.

How about you get back

in your f*cking car...

(grunts) What the f*ck?

-Who are you?

-I told you.

Concerned relative. Aunt.

When's the last time

you saw her?

f*ck you, you c**t. (groans)

Not c**t.

Aunt. A-U-N-T.

Every time

you make me say "aunt,"

I'm gonna break something.

-(bone cracks)

-(groans)

When's the last time

you saw her?

Two days.

I haven't seen her in two days.

Haven't seen her

since you beat her up?

Yes. No!

(grunts)

g*dd*mn it.

Why do you assholes

always have g*ns?

(sniffs, grunts)

-(panting)

-(banging outside)

(banging continues)

Damn it.

(engine starts)

(knocking)

I just got back.

She hadn't been there.

She told me she wouldn't

go back to Mickie's,

and I should've believed her.

Got to know who people are.

Hang on.

I love you.

No, it's not her.

I'll call you back.

(soft clinking)

(clears throat) I just want

things to be different

between us now.

So you don't want

to beat me anymore?

I never wanted to beat you.

Oh. My mistake.

Me, Heidi and Mom,

we all thought

you were trying to hit us.

Look, I-I'm... I'm sorry, Honey.

Okay? I-I-I...

I wasn't ready to be a father

or a husband, but I am now.

I've done a lot of work

on myself.

Little late. Mom's dead.

Well, yeah,

but I-I can still be a father.

A-And a grandfather.

I-I... you know,

I tried talking to-to Karen,

-and-and she...

-Who's Karen?

-Well, Heidi's...

-Corinne?

Corinne. Yes.

When'd you see her?

Last night.

-Where? What did she say?

-Nothing.

(chuckles)

She didn't say anything.

She just turned and ran

when she saw me.

I mean, why would she

run away from me?

I don't know, Dad.

Sometimes kids are

suspicious of old men

who look like sex offenders.

I never touched you that way.

I said you look like

a sex offender.

Why wouldn't she talk to me?

-Why won't you?

-Where'd you see her?

(sighs)

At her work,

and then after,

at the... at the bus stop.

And, uh, she just looked at me

and ran when she saw me.

I mean,

all I wanted to do was talk.

All I want to do is talk to you.

Why are you so hard?

-Training.

-Oh, Honey.

You're just hitting me back.

And-and that's not right,

either.

You know...

you're gonna feel bad

when I'm dead

if-if...

if you leave it like this.

You're gonna feel so sad

when-when I'm...

when I'm dead if you don't...

if you don't let me

connect with you.

You're just gonna feel bad

when I'm dead.

(sobbing): You're gonna feel

so bad when I'm dead, Honey.

You're already dead.

Hasn't anyone told you?

("In the Sun She Lies"

by Margaret Qualley playing)



My town, my city,

the sun's so high

It's where I was born

It's where I will die

She's half in shadow

morning time

All afternoon

In the sun she lies



My town, my city,

the sun's so high

It's where I was born

It's where I will die

She's half in shadow

morning time

All afternoon

In the sun she lies.

(song fades)





-(door opens)

-BUS DRIVER: Getting on, lady?

You don't like this one?

They're all

pretty much the same.

SPIDER:

He called an hour ago.

-He asked for your cell.

-HONEY: Oh, God.

-You didn't give it to him.

-SPIDER: Of course not.

But he said it was about

Mia Novotny.

Make me a coffee, will you?

A coffee?

What about General Yum?

f*ck General Yum.

Okay, so now I'm confused.

(line ringing)

MARTY (over phone):

Marty Metakawitch.

Hi, Marty. Honey O'Donahue.

Oh, hey, doll. Uh, uh, look,

can I call you right back?

What's your cell?

Yeah, call me at the office.

-Why can't I have your cell?

-Don't have one.

I carry around a bag

of quarters for the pay phone.

You said you had something

on the girl in Antelope Canyon?

Yeah, all right, be that way.

Yeah, we got

the coroner's report in.

Uh-huh. And?

And, well, first of all, he

agrees that this girl is dead.

I remember you weren't

totally sold on that.

Uh-huh. And second?

All right, well, you remember

how tore up she was, right?

It turns out that

some of the lacerations are...

"not consistent with car crash."

What does that mean?

Well, she got stabbed

and stuffed in the car,

-I guess.

-I know what it means,

but what does it mean?

I don't know.

I'm not a deep thinker.

But I will tell you we had

another stabbing homicide

yesterday.

A woman?

Elderly woman. Double homicide.

Well, other victim

wasn't just stabbed--

his head was all

squashed to sh*t--

but he had I.D. on him.

Some guy who works for a church,

if you can believe it.

Four-Way Church?

Yeah. How'd you know?

I'm a detective.

Yeah, well, so am I,

but I actually

had to make a phone call

to figure that out.

Hey, you know what?

Maybe we should get together

and we'll-we'll compare notes,

we'll talk about

detective things.

Uh, what are you doing tonight?

Book club.

-That was three days ago.

-We meet a lot.

Tough book. Dostoyevsky.

I do appreciate it, though,

Marty.

You're my favorite... man.

Ah, Christ, I mean,

well, maybe we could...

-(line clicks)

-Yeah, she hung up.

SPIDER:

Non-Yum coffee.

If I don't know

what I'm thinking...

do you?

Do I know what you're thinking?

(inhales deeply)

Quite possibly.

We're all 8 ba*ls

on my mother's side.

So, this girl Mia...

I never met her,

but I can picture her.

A little lost, a little

confused, a little f*cked-up.

Like Corinne.

No. Corinne has more ba*ls.

But there's this guy

that picks on

the ones with less confidence.

The sad ones. Easy pickings.

That creep at the church?

Your niece goes there?

No.

I mean, I wouldn't

have thought so.

But if you've been attacked,

feel vulnerable, they can't

relate to you at home...

where do you go?

This church is

sending out signals:

"Come here,

come here, come here."

Maybe you've been hit

enough times, you go there.

Maybe.

Or maybe you go to a bar.

Yeah, or maybe you go

to the mall

or the movies or a roller rink.

(sighs) Still, maybe.

(moaning, breathing heavily)

Oui.

(speaking French)

Okay. Okay, now.

Oh, make love to me now.

Stupid American way.

Stupid American?

Like missionary position?

Yes! (speaks French)

I'm burning like a...

-A...

-How do you say?

-Fire?

-Shut up!

Stupid American.

Do it. Do the business.

(grunting, moaning)

(laughs) Oui.

That was amazing.

(chuckles softly)

Best sex ever.

Hot woman, knows what she wants.

(boot zipping)

So, what made you

change your mind?

About me, about us,

you know, doing it?

I thought you should

be able to come...

one last time.

We won't do it again?

You will not.

The French, they are not happy.

Oh.

(g*nsh*t)



(doorknob jiggling)

-(doorknob jiggling)

-(distant door opens)

(distant door closes)

(engine starts)

(engine revving)



-Suspicious activity?

-Suspicious activity.

You haven't described

any suspicious activity.

The g*nsh*t.

Well, that's a noise.

And a noise is not an activity.

Someone firing the g*n

would be an activity.

If someone fired a g*n

and it wasn't a car backfiring.

-A car backfiring?

-That is right.

When's the last time

you heard a car backfiring?

What does that have to do

with anything?

A car backfiring isn't

a real thing anymore.

I didn't realize it was

a thing people still said

-until you said it.

-Well, all right.

Well, I'm old-school.

Maybe you should acknowledge

what century it is.

This from somebody

who uses pay phones?

-I don't use pay phones.

-(laughing): Oh, really? Okay.

Marty, okay, I'm trying

to scratch your back here.

Remember how I'm supposed

to scratch your back?

-Oh, I remember.

-You find out what kind

of hanky-panky is going on

in this place,

it's a feather in your cap.

(sighs) I bust into

a house of God for no reason,

it ain't a feather in my cap.

It's my a*s in a sling.

What do you care anyway?

Why were you there?

My niece is missing.

File a report.

What does she have to do

with the church?

I'm not sure.

You're not building a very

strong case, Honey O'Donahue.

Fine. Forget about it, Marty.

I tried to help you.



MG, any way that

you could get me a...

Can I help you?

No. Sorry, I was looking

for MG Falcone.

She asked me to cover her shift.

Guess she partied last night.

Something I could do?

No, thanks.

'Cause she's the one cop

who might help me.

SPIDER (over phone):

Okay, well, city registry says

-that's her address.

-HONEY: Okay, good work.

SPIDER:

Well, why didn't you have it?

HONEY: Never been there and

she isn't answering her phone.

Thanks. I'm almost there.

(bus air brakes hissing)



(wind chimes tinkling softly)

(birds chirping)

(doorbell rings)

(water dripping)

(creaking)

(chimes tinkling)

(doorbell rings)

(door creaking)

MG?

BIRD (squawks):

Mary Grace. Mary Grace.

(bird continues squawking)

BIRD:

Want a cup of tea?









(door opens)

It was open. Uh, maybe

I shouldn't have come in.

I rang.

I was in the basement.

I didn't hear.

I had to find this.

Cupboard door needs a plane.

I see you found my yearbook.

Those are always funny, huh?

Yeah.

What you never want

your date to see. Sorry.

Quit apologizing.

Why didn't you call?

I did. Phone's off.

MG:

Is it?

Ah, yeah.

Oh, you called a couple times.

-It's my niece.

-(hammering)

She's missing.

I was hoping maybe you could

help somehow unofficially.

I know this is crazy,

but she works

at that hot dog place on Irvine.

-MG: Uh-huh?

-And her bus stop to go home,

she would've been there

around the time

that you were coming home.

You didn't see her?

No.

Something wrong?

I was wondering the same thing.

It's a little awkward, isn't it?

You come to my place.

-I tried to call.

-No, it isn't that.

I know how this place looks.

MG, you don't have to...

It's old.

It's the house I grew up in.

My mother died when I was a kid,

and I told you, my father, so...

with what I make,

I could've either

rented a closet somewhere

or stayed here.

I don't care.

It doesn't define me.

Listen to me.

MG, I don't write

for Elle Decor.

-Who cares?

-So you say.

But you were a little squirrelly

when I walked in.

-Sorry. I...

-Exactly. Sorry, sorry!

-(bird squawks)

-(MG scoffs)

You think someone's hot,

everything about them's

exciting, and then...

second or third date,

they open their mouth,

say something lame and...

"Whoa. Where'd that come from?

"I don't know

this person at all.

How could I have f*cked her?"

p*ssy remorse.

It's pretty hard to get rid of

once it gets you.

(chuckles)

"Who the f*ck would live here?"

-No.

-Yes.

I know what I see.

p*ssy remorse.

Little too much

Bakersfield here?

Little too real?

And I'm a duchess?

I'm from here, too.

(kettle hissing softly)

You want a cup of tea?

(squawking)

-(kettle whistling)

-HONEY: No.

Had company?

(whistling growing louder)

Yeah, I had company.

A sad-a*s!

Anyone who wants to be a victim

should get what they want.

They're part of the problem.

Anyone who lets her boyfriend

beat her up.

-(groaning)

-(bird squawking)

That church girl, Mia,

-just like your niece.

-(squawks)

Women who go to that church

are nothing but victims.

That place advertises

for victims.

"Come here. Come here.

Let me f*ck you.

Let me beat you."

That's what she went for--

submission, Honey.

She wanted a beating.

She let it happen.

Did you let your father

beat you?

Yeah.

But then I didn't, finally.

I stood up.

Decided to do something.

That's a butter knife, Honey.

(kettle continues whistling)

(knife clangs on floor)

This was my dad's.

Wasn't really a w*r hero.

He died standing

right where you are.

Stab wounds.

A lot of stab wounds.

Then I put him in the car,

lit it up.

Fire cooked him all the way.

(loud whistling, bubbling)

This place is a firetrap.

No sprinklers, not up to code.

Old and sad,

isn't it, girlfriend?

They won't look for stab wounds

on you, either!

-(knife squishes)

-(groans)

(sizzling)

(both groaning)

-(sizzling)

-(screaming)

-(straining)

-(MG continues screaming)

(knife clinks on floor)

-(grunting)

-(bird continues squawking)

You're not part

of the solution, Honey.

You're a good f*ck, but

you're not doing sh*t socially.

You think they're gonna look

for b*ll*ts

in a skeleton in the ashes?

In you or your f*cking niece?

Victims!

(g*nsh*t)

(body thuds)

(wind chimes tinkling softly)

Corinne!

-(groaning softly)

-(bird squawking)

Corinne!

Corinne!

(squawking continues)

(bird thuds against window)

(squawking continues)

(thuds against window)

-(bird thuds on floor)

-(squawking stops)

(indistinct radio chatter)

-(siren wailing)

-(rattling)

(radio chatter continues)



DIZZY (distorted):

Honey?

Honey? Honey?

CORINNE: Mom called your office

and found out where you were,

and we were both there.

That was weird.

DIZZY:

Aunt Honey?

Are you menstruating?

(high heels clacking)

(clapping)

Honey O'Donahue,

to what do we owe the honor?

Thought you might be able

to tell me about the cold cases.

Well, we only found

the two hookers so far.

Might be all there is.

Sex workers.

The sex hookers. Yeah.

You found one in Palmdale?

And another in Lancaster.

Year and a half ago,

and two and a half ago.

Stabbings.

We showed MG's picture around.

People who knew these girls

had seen her.

Mm, mm.

And your gal

in Antelope Canyon--

that makes three stabbings.

And MG's father.

Well, 15-year-old ashes--

who knows?

Mm, MG says she did it,

we'll believe her.

Honest cop.

Hey, Honey.

You get the Cap in a Brainpan

Award for that head shot.

I mean, right in

the f*cking forehead,

-nothing but net.

-Thank you.

-I practice in the bathtub.

-I know you're kidding me,

but I'm serious,

that was a hell of a shot.

Sitting position,

stabbed, gushing blood.

(sighs, stammers)

What are you doing tonight,

Honey?

You know, I-I hope this hasn't

put you off

the entire department.

I don't know why you can't

get it through your head, Marty.

I like girls.

(Marty laughing)

You always say that.

(continues laughing)

(brakes squeal)

(radio clicks on)

(over radio):

I dream that someday

-I'd find

-(engine revving)

Someone like you

("Searching (for Someone Like

You)" by Kitty Wells playing)

Other loves have come my way

But they were not for me

Tell me that

you're here to stay

Don't ever set me free...

Where are you going?

Airport.

Plane to catch.

What's your name?

They call me Chre.

Chre?

That's like Honey.

More or less.

(song ends)

What time is your flight?

("Honey Don't" by Wanda Jackson

playing)

Well, I love you, baby,

and you ought to know

I like the way that

you wear your clothes

Everything about you

is so doggone sweet

You've got a way

to knock me off of my feet

So uh-uh

No, honey, don't

Well, honey, don't

Uh, honey, don't

No, honey, don't

Hey, honey, don't

Yeah, say you will

when you won't

Uh-uh, honey, don't

Now, sometimes I love you

on a Saturday night

But Sunday morning

you don't look right

You've been out

a-painting the town

Uh-huh, baby been

sleeping around

So uh-uh

No, honey, don't

Well, honey, don't

Bop, bop, bop, bop

Honey, don't

Bop, bop, bop, bop

Honey, don't

Bop, bop, bop, bop

Honey, don't

Bop, bop, bop, bop

Say you will when you won't

Uh-uh, honey, don't.

(song ends)

("My Little Black Star"

by Margaret Qualley playing)

Oh, my baby

Is like a little black star

She's just like her daddy

Way yonder and far

She's just like her daddy

Way yonder and far

Gonna tell my Jesus

About my little black star

Gonna tell my Jesus

Just where she are

Gonna tell my Jesus

All about my star

Down in that swamp

Those mean old

alligators fight

They fight all day

They fight all night

Gonna tell my Jesus

How those gators fight

Now, don't you worry

My little honey black star

No gator's going

To get my little black star

When I get to heaven

Thank Jesus for

my little black star

She's just like her daddy

Way yonder and far

She's just like her daddy

Yonder and far.

(song fades)

(clapping)

(quiet chatter)