01x04 - Literal Dragons

[bunniefuu]

(alarm ringing)

(sighs)

(speaks Spanish)

(sighs)

- (roommate shouts)
- (Elena, in English) Wait!

(roommate shouts)

- (bell rings)
- (announcer chattering)

(chattering)

(sighs)

(neck cracks)

(distant thud)

(code chimes)

(door closes)

Elena?

Take it easy. It's me. Coop.

It's not what it looks like.

What it looks like is you're breaking into
the house of the guy who stole your wife.

(Coop) Is that Nick's g*n?

It's mine.

Why do you need a g*n?

- Why would Nick?
- Well, can you not point it at me?

You know I'm not gonna hurt you.

I don't know what I know. Five minutes
ago I didn't know you were a thief.

I was just gonna take the ring.

And when Nick notices his
championship ring is missing,

- who do you think he's gonna blame?
- Come on. Nick loves you.

Nick loves watching my a*s
when I clean his house.

That's... (sighs)

...fair.

The Sperlings loved Ariana.

They fired her a few days ago.

One of Mr. Sperling's watches
went missing and they blamed her.

That woman practically
raised Chelsea.

(scoffs)

Was that you?

Sorry about your friend.

Well, you have bigger problems.
Honestly, I never liked her.

In that case, you're welcome.

What, they don't pay you
enough money at the bank?

- It was a hedge fund.
- I don't care.

Your boss f*cked my wife. My
boss f*cked me out of a job.

Okay. So you lost
your job, and your...

your buddy, and your wife.

That's a... That's a
pretty bad couple of years.

Yeah, well, I'm waiting for you to
tell me just how bad it's gonna get.

- What were you gonna do with that ring?
- I got a guy.

And your guy would've
told you to f*ck off.

This is not a Cartier necklace.

A ring like that gets really
hot once it's been reported.

I figured Nick wouldn't
notice for a while.

I think that you just wanted to
take something that he loved.

Like he did to you.

I take it you knew about them.

Before me, I mean.

Let's just say you weren't the
first person to walk in on them.

That's humiliating.

- For them?
- For me.

Like I said, you
have bigger problems.

So what are we doing here?

You would've called the cops
already if you were going to. So...

(sighs)

I'm gonna keep your secret.

Thank you. I owe you.

And you're gonna keep mine.

I'm sorry. I don't
know your secret.

It's the same as yours.

We're partners now.

(Coop sighs)

(theme song playing)

Mel.

Hey, Ron.

- Marley.
- How are our perfect grandkids?

Did you hear Tori
won her tournament?

We did. We heard all
about it. Congratulations.

We're so proud.

It's remarkable, really,
how resilient she is.

You should come
to her next match.

Invite us and we'll come.

Oh, I'm sorry. I assumed
your son had invited you.

It's fine. Tori called afterwards
and she sent me a picture.

Aw.

I told her she could
always come by our place

if she needed a break
from all the chaos.

What chaos?

She didn't mean chaos.

Pretty sure she did.

What chaos, Marley? You
know something I don't know?

Well, I'm just not as
close to it as you are.

No, you're not.

(inhales deeply) I think you
forgot to grab the oatmeal.

She didn't mean any of
that the way it sounded.

Oh, yes, she did.

I guess what I meant was she
doesn't mean to be the way she is.

(Barney) These people are assholes.
There's no getting around that.

But you work in a profession

that attracts and breeds
assholes as a matter of course.

And I know it sucks
having to put on your suit

and go ask guys beneath
your pay grade for a job,

but ultimately, you and
I are in sales, Coop.

We sell ourselves.

You know what they say,
"Trading sucks. Sales swallows."

Is there any way you could
postpone this lecture?

I just ran into Harvey Ratner.

I will pay you to stop talking.

With what?

The Ratners are consolidating their
operations, looking to put in a new CIO.

(Coop) The Ratners?
I'm not dead yet, am I?

(Barney) I know. It's not ideal.

But right now, more than anything,
we need you back in the game.

I just need to take a beat.

You're already taking a beat.

You can't take a beat
from taking a beat.

Well, what are you worried
about? I paid your bill.

Yes, with a brown bag of cash.

And don't think that isn't
keeping me up at night.

I need you back at work, Coop.

You need you back at work.

I think what I need
is a little hiatus.

Sure.

Or, and I'm just
spitballing here,

maybe that will leave you
well and truly f*cked.

Now is not the
time for a hiatus.

Now is the time for a
solid, low level panic.

You heard Massey. God only knows
how long this lawsuit will take.

Nice of you to join us.

(Coop) Sorry, sorry. Jesus.

- (friend) Ten after.
- Calm down.

You know the old timers already
beat us to the first tee.

(Barney) Sorry. I got waylaid
by my f*cking contractor.

You know, if the man could
work as fast as he bills me,

we'd have been done months ago.

Our last renovation
almost ended the marriage.

Are you married?
I hadn't noticed.

- f*ck you.
- (laughs)

How far over budget are you?

You mean there's a budget?
Someone should tell my wife.

Grace does have an eye.

Tell me about it.

(Brad) Ooh. There it is.

Brad, did I hear you
fired your housekeeper?

I had to. My Richard
Mille got stolen.

How do you know she took it?

I don't, for sure. But she was
the only one who had access.

Besides, she was getting
way too comfortable.

It's a good excuse to, you
know, bring in some new blood.

That watch is a serious
piece of hardware.

Any chance it
might be recovered?

Maybe if the cops gave a
sh*t, which they don't.

The detective thinks I
just misplaced it like...

(laughs) ...like I'm gonna misplace
a quarter of a million dollar watch.

- (friend chuckles)
- So you told the cops?

Yeah. I needed a police
report for the insurance.

- Nice.
- (friend) So you're covered?

Sure, uh, we'll get a fat check,

but it's a limited
edition piece.

Irreplaceable.

Lisa has an uncle who works
in the Diamond District

who can probably get it
for you on the gray market.

You can ask her about it
at Mel's birthday thing.

Gordy...

What? Guys, I'm
invited. It's fine.

Seriously?

Yes.

You see?

- There you go, Barney.
- (Gordy) There you go.

- (chattering)
- (phone ringing)

Hey, do you have a copy
of yesterday's NAR report?

Oh, yeah. Let me pull it up.

Just give me
another minute here.

- Well, you on the other hand, my friend...
- Next time...

- You.
- ...you owe me.

- It's your turn. Yeah.
- No.

(both laughing)

(coworker) I sent
it over to you.

All right. We cover the tables at the
bar, the dance floor over the pool.

So we'll do a whole indoor/outdoor
thing with seating for 150.

What can we do about that? We
had carpet moths. Don't ask.

- Okay.
- Hey! Come on!

We gotta hit all
four floors here.

I want a full permethrin spread.
I want vinegar seals. The works.

Okay, we could do a flower wall.

Hide that whole section. Or we could
build a board wrap of some kind.

(stammers) What do
you think, Notorious?

Why not both? More is more.

(event planner) What do
you know? More is more.

(Mel) What's going on here?

Hey! It's the
almost-birthday girl.

You weren't supposed to
be home yet. (chuckles)

Melanie, Jane Reuven.

Reuven Catering and Events.

- Ah, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

- I told you I didn't want a party!
- I know, but I don't...

- Sorry about that. There we go. Hey.
- Hey, José.

Come on, Mom. You
can't cancel now.

Nana and Pops are gonna
be so disappointed.

You called my parents in Boca?

It was gonna be a surprise.
I'm flying them out.

- My parents are not coming here.
- What... Why not?

What? Come on, Mom.
It's gonna be great.

- (Mel) Mom? Mom?
- Nana's totally not r*cist anymore.

Remember that Uber
driver she told us about?

Mom? That's why I'm calling.
That... That is not happening.

- Uh, is this okay?
- (Mel) Oh, good. Okay. Go, go.

- She'll come around.
- Okay.

Mmm. That's what my dad said.

I'm sorry about this. I think Nick and
I just, um, had a miscommunication.

Well, I can tell you he
is going all out for you.

I wish my husband would
think more like him.

- Aw. (chuckles)
- Oh.

How long have you
two been married?

Lot of shopping
bags in your closet.

Half of them are returns.

Oh, and Lily needed a new saddle
and equipment for horseback riding.

What was wrong with
her old saddle?

This one's for dressage.

Apparently our daughter
has a very strong seat.

(groans) I know it's a compliment,
but it just sounds like an insult.

Why?

What's wrong?

I think with the renovation and everything
we should try to cut back on spending.

- Just for a little while.
- Hey, are we okay?

Yeah, it's just a
little cash crunch.

We're fine.

Good.

Because, um, we could
always return the Spectre.

(laughs)

Or, um, I don't know, I guess I could
stop wearing these expensive pajamas.

Better?

Let me see it on again.

- Oh, no, no, no.
- (both laughing)

(chuckles) Oh!

(game show host chattering)

(i)October 31st, 1984,(/i)

(i)this prime minister was
assassinated by two...(/i)

Who is...

(Coop) Jack Black.

(groans)

Hey, wanna watch a movie?

No gig tonight?

(Ali) Mmm. Private event.

Come on. We can watch one of
your kung fu dragon films.

You know there's no literal dragons
in any of those movies, right?

That's disappointing.

- What is "SOS"?
- (game show host) (i)Annette?(/i)

(i)What is "SOS"?(/i)

(sighs) Are you using
your chest as a bowl?

Yeah. It's a much more efficient
popcorn delivery system.

- (doorbell chimes)
- Disgusting.

Who the f*ck is that?

Probably Mom with
a vacuum cleaner.

We need to talk about
your life decisions.

- (laughs)
- You're worse than the kids. Coming!

(Ali) Who is Alice Cooper?

- What are you doing here?
- I need to talk to you.

I shouldn't be here.

And yet here you are.

Massey's in Jack's pocket.

- What?
- Massey was in Jack's office today.

Yeah. I gave you a heads-up on that
right before you hung up on me.

He's my lawyer.

This didn't look like that.

- What did it look like then?
- Like Massey's in Jack's pocket.

There are laws against that.

Did you pay a retainer?
Sign a contract?

He said he'd get back to
me. sh*t. Are you sure?

Think of everything you
know about Jack and Massey.

I'll hire someone else.

Yeah, I really wish
you wouldn't. (laughs)

What's Jack giving you?

- What?
- For all of this? What's Jack giving you?

Come on.

- A higher floor.
- (chuckles) Tracks.

- He'd fire me if he knew I was here.
- I know.

I appreciate it.

I'm gonna go.

Well, um, thank
you for coming by.

You must be wishing
you never met me.

Well...

it was a fun weekend.

(vehicle approaches)

It was.

Who was that?

(sighs) f*cking everybody.

What is going on with you?

(sighs, chuckles)

(phone buzzes)

(groans) God.

(sighs) Give me a second.

Yeah? Hey.

Already?

Yeah, uh...

Yeah. I mean, sure.

Okay. I'll... I'll
be right there.

Great.

I gotta go. (sighs)

(Coop) (i)When Elena said
she wanted to be partners,(/i)

(i)it turned out she
meant immediately.(/i)

(i)So now I would be committing
felonies with the housekeeper(/i)

(i)of the man who's
sleeping with my ex-wife.(/i)

(i)Which, if nothing else,
was a pretty good indicator(/i)

(i)that my little enterprise was
already spinning out of control.(/i)

(i)On the other hand, it was never
a bad thing to have some backup.(/i)

Hey. Whose car is this?

It's Nick's. For errands.

{\an8}Nice touch.

- What's that?
- Wi-Fi jammer.

Kills the cameras.

You've got gear.

The right tool
for the right job.

Are you sure about this?

(Elena, on phone) (i)Mm-hmm.(/i)

Aren't women supposed to be
sentimental about their jewelry?

(i)Not about the Panthère.(/i)

(i)It's from her ex-husband.(/i)

Audrey told me that she kept
it out of spite in the divorce.

- She never wears it.
- And how does she know that?

(i)Audrey knows everything.(/i)

(Coop) (i)Turned out the housekeeper
network was a real thing(/i)

(i)and there was almost nothing
about us that they didn't know.(/i)

(i)They were a social
network like any other.(/i)

(i)Supporting each other,
covering for each other,(/i)

(i)spreading information like
currency across the neighborhood.(/i)

(i)These women, moving quietly and
unobtrusively through our lives,(/i)

(i)were quietly and unobtrusively
taking note of everything...(/i)

(shouting)

(i)...and sharing it in WhatsApp
groups and weekly card games.(/i)

(Coop) (i)And, Elena,(/i)

(i)she was at the center of it all.(/i)

(i)We did four jobs in two weeks.(/i)

(i)All surgical, all clean,
all thanks to Elena.(/i)

(i)Everything was where
she said it would be(/i)

(i)and it was all stuff no
one would miss for a while.(/i)

(i)If ever.(/i)

(i)We had a good thing going.(/i)

(i)All we had to do was stick to
the plan and not get greedy.(/i)

Okay. So this guy
that we're meeting...

- (Elena) Héctor.
- Héctor.

- What's his deal?
- He works for Charter Security, which...

they do most of the alarms in your
neighborhood, so he can help us.

Well, I'm not really looking to take
on another partner at this point.

Okay. Think of him
more as a consultant.

Hmm. Right here.

Seriously?

It's a family dinner.

And you thought this would be an
appropriate time to make an introduction?

An introduction? He's my cousin.

- (in Spanish) (i)Saludos.(/i)
- (family clamors)

(Elena) Hey!

I didn't think you were coming!

- (sighs)
- (Elena, in English) Take it easy.

(in Spanish) Easy!
Take it easy! (laughs)

What's with George Clooney?

Boyfriend?

No, he's not my boyfriend.

(in English) Coop, this is
my little brother, Chivo.

- Hey, Chivo. How do you do?
- (speaks Spanish)

- Hi, cousin.
- Cousin.

(Elena speaks Spanish, kisses)

(in English) You brought
a Tinder date to my house?

(Elena) No, eh. This is
my business associate.

Can we please talk alone?

Man the grill, Chivo.

(Chivo sighs)

- (child shouts)
- (Elena) Ready?

Yeah. Let's go.

No. No way. I'm not getting
involved in this sh*t.

And it's not cool for you
guys to ambush me like this.

Okay, just for the record, I
didn't know that you didn't know.

And I would never have
supported this ambush.

You're not getting
involved, involved.

You're just passing on some
neighborhood alarm codes.

- Oh, just that?
- And we'll pay you $5,000 per code.

- What?
- (in Spanish) What?

Cousin...

Are you crazy? What are
you doing with this guy?

I know what I'm
doing. Don't worry.

If you get caught,
this guy lawyers up.

But you get deported. Period.

(Elena) He has more to
lose than you think.

- (Héctor) What are you doing?
- What everyone else does.

Look, I know you're working
doubles since Julio hurt his back.

It's too much for you.

So you're saying
we deserve this.

In life you don't
get what you deserve,

you get what you negotiate.

This is about Chivo.

What are you talking about?

Hmm?

(sighs) You should
talk to Chivo.

$5000 a code. Do we have a deal?

(breathes deeply)

(in English) I get
paid in cash. Up front.

Okay. (stammers) We
haven't had a chance to,

uh, discuss this fee internally.

So maybe we could put a pin in that
and maybe we can sidebar? Can you...

(sighs)

Thought I saw a Dominican Republic
flag back at your cousin's house.

Is that where you're from?

(Elena) Yeah.

When did you move here?

I was, uh, 23 and my parents wanted to
get me away from some bad influences.

Oh.

What kind of bad influences?

Keeping it vague, huh?

What does it matter? I've been
here 12 years and look at me now.

I'm robbing houses
with a banker.

It's a hedge fund, but whatever.

You could use a housekeeper.

I have a service. It
comes twice a week.

Oh.

- Well... getting ripped off.
- (chuckles)

So, you know, you
never did tell me

why you didn't turn me
in that night at Nick's.

- I wanted in.
- Well, yeah, but why?

I mean, look, if we're
gonna be partners,

we might as well know at
least this about each other.

(inhales sharply)

I've been cleaning
houses ten years.

I know women who have been
doing it into their 70s.

And for what?

What do they get?

At a certain point it feels
like not taking the shortcut

is a bigger crime
than the actual crime.

Well, what's the end game?

Bringing my parents
here, for starters.

I know an immigration lawyer who
might be able to help with that.

You make it sound like all I have
to do is sign the right forms.

Takes a lot of money to get them here.
Takes even more money to keep them here...

and giving them a life.

Fair enough.

And then there's Chivo getting in
trouble faster than I can get him out.

You wouldn't understand.

Well, I don't know if you're
right about that. (chuckles)

I just moved my
sister in with me.

- In here?
- Yeah.

And you're okay with that?

Yeah, I mean, you
know... I don't know.

You get used to
living with people.

There's a presence.

Even if they're not in the
same room or if you're asleep.

An empty house just feels different.
More like a tomb, you know?

And then you start looking for
any excuse to not come home.

And that, I can tell you
from personal experience,

leads to some very
poor decisions.

I should get your money.

Your cut from the last two jobs.

Not gonna count it?

- I trust you.
- No, you don't. Not yet anyway.

I'm gonna count it
when I get home.

That's what I would do.

(chuckles)

Thanks for the beer, Coop.

You sure about Héctor?

You sure about any of this?

(doctor) Okay. So, the anniversary
of your first episode is coming up.

Uh, next week.

I would've been married


Were you tempted to
reach out to Bruce again?

No. (grunts)

I do wonder what he would have
gotten me as a steel anniversary.

Or turquoise.

The Internet is divided.

How did it feel in your
body to think about that?

Heavy. (chuckles)

In my legs.

Like I'm stuck in the mud.

I heard "Hold Me Now"
by the Thompson Twins

on the radio on my way to a gig.

That was supposed to be our
wedding song. And, um...

And I got through the
whole thing this time.

Usually I have to cut it
off after the first verse.

Did you make it to the gig?

I did.

And...

They offered me
a... a regular slot.

That's terrific.

How did Andy react? He
must have been proud.

I haven't... I haven't told
him. I haven't told anyone.

Sounds to me like you redirected
some powerful emotions into your art

and were rewarded for it.

Can you let yourself
celebrate that?

Historically, uh, things don't
go so well when I celebrate.

Let's talk about that.

(Coop) (i)Elena picked a target,(/i)

(i)and Héctor came through with
our first $5,000 alarm code.(/i)

(whispers) Nine, six, two, four,
two, three. (breathes deeply)

f*ck. Come on. Come on.

(alarm system chimes)

(sighs)

- Héctor, my man.
- You could sound a little less surprised.

(Coop) (i)I'm sorry. It's just
a little nerve-racking.(/i)

Elena, is there a dog here?

(i)Died last month. They made
Lorelei handle the burial.(/i)

Thank God.

I mean, not thank
God. That's awful.

God, handle the burial?

That's rough. No pun intended.

(chuckles)

How does that compare to
what, uh, Nick makes you do?

(i)Oh, Nick's easy 'cause
he's barely home anymore.(/i)

- Yeah, thanks for that.
- sh*t. Sorry.

But isn't this bitter
act getting a little old?

You're telling me you've
never cheated on anybody?

- (Coop) Never.
- (i)Wow. Really?(/i)

(Coop) You could sound
a little less surprised.

(chuckles)

Okay.

I think I found it.

(i)Okay, so we're looking
for anything Hermès.(/i)

(i)Mrs. Hake's sales associate
couldn't or wouldn't(/i)

(i)get her the new season
Birkin colorway.(/i)

(i)So she's too offended
to wear any of the bags.(/i)

(i)Anything on the
island is fair game.(/i)

Uh...

(Coop) (i)There's probably a no more
obnoxious or coveted status symbol(/i)

(i)than the Hermès Birkin, named
after singer/actress Jane Birkin.(/i)

(i)They're handcrafted in France
by an elusive cabal of craftsmen(/i)

(i)trained in centuries-old
equestrian trade techniques.(/i)

(i)Using only the
highest end leather,(/i)

(i)exotic animal skins,
stitching, and hardware,(/i)

(i)the Birkin is the crown jewel of
any woman's handbag collection.(/i)

(i)The rub is, you can't simply walk
into an Hermès boutique and buy one.(/i)

(i)You've got to play
the Hermès game,(/i)

(i)which means spending tens
of thousands on jewelry(/i)

(i)and accessories, aka Birkin
bait, just to get wait-listed(/i)

(i)for the privilege of spending
upwards of 50 grand for a bag.(/i)

(i)And you thought
hedge funds were...(/i)

- (beeping)
- (Elena) (i)What the f*ck is that?(/i)

There's another alarm. Why the
f*ck is there another alarm?

- Hello?
- (i)Uh, try the house code.(/i)

There's no f*cking keypad.
Where do I find a keypad?

- Do you know?
- (i)Okay. It's gotta be there somewhere.(/i)

Wait, wait, wait. I got it. I got
it. I got it. Hold on. Hold on.

Holy sh*t.

(i)Coop?(/i)

(grunts) It's not
working. It's not working.

- (i)Coop.(/i)
- (alarm blares)

- f*ck! It's not... What do I do?
- Get out of there!

What the f*ck kind of
security system is this?

(grunts) Jesus Christ.

Coop, where are
you? Get out here.

- Yeah, I don't think I can do that.
- (i)Why not?(/i)

'Cause they got another dog.

(sirens wailing)

(Coop) (i)Good dog.(/i)

Hey.

Hi.

- (dog growls)
- You want a treat?

Huh?

- sh*t!
- (barking)

(tires squealing)

(growling)

(grunting) I'm coming out front.

(i)Do not come out front.
Do not go out front.(/i)

I don't really have a choice.

- (grunts)
- (clothing rips)

- (i)Coop(/i)?
- Leave it.

(grunting)

Get off! Take the bag.

(groans) f*ck.

- Where the hell are you?
- I'm on the street.

- (i)Oh. Go! Run east.(/i)
- Which way is east?

(sirens wailing)

How the f*ck am I
supposed to know?

I don't know where I'm going.
I don't know where I'm going.

Tell me where I'm going.

(panting)

Coop, there are cops everywhere.
Just be careful, okay?

(breathes heavily)
sh*t! f*ck. Okay. Okay.

(grunting)

(radio chatter)

(grunting)

(tires squealing)

My f*cking earpiece!

(security guards clamor)

- I've got eyes on him.
- He's out back! Come on.

(guard) Don't move.

(Elena) (i)Coop? Coop?(/i)

Answer me if you can hear me.

(guards) Stop! Stop! Stop!

(pants)

Coop? Hello?

(pants)

(Coop) Hey.

Let's go.

(sirens wailing)

(Coop) Okay, okay, okay,
okay. Turn off the lights.

Yeah. Okay, turn it
off. Turn off the car.

sh*t. (grunts)

(grunts, breathes heavily)

Holy sh*t.

(Elena pants) Okay.

You're okay.

Where the f*ck are we?

- (pleasant jazz playing)
- (guests chatter)

- (door opens)
- (footsteps approaching)

(Tori) Hey, I need your Airwrap.

- Mom. What, you're not even dressed?
- (sniffles)

- People are already here.
- I just have to do my makeup.

(chuckles)

So gorgeous. (chuckles)

Hey, come on. I'll help you.

- Oh, yeah. Sorry.
- Just, like, look at the ceiling.

Perfect.

- (guests chatter)
- (dance music playing)

(laughs)

Okay. Please, a
little space, please.

(Maggie) Oh, there you are.

Happy birthday.

(kisses)

- Happy birthday.
- Tori, how are you? You look beautiful.

- Um, bar. Now.
- Oh, now.

- Oh. But, oh...
- (Maggie) You're gonna stay here.

- Oh.
- Hey, Mel. Happy birthday.

- Hi.
- (guests chatter)

- Wow.
- Just, you know...

What the actual f*ck?

- Babe.
- A Meltini.

Tonight's signature drink.

Baby, I just really want a
vodka martini. Very dirty.

Yeah, that's what
the Meltini is.

I know what you like, babe.

Hey, girl. (chuckles)
Oh, my God.

We're both fire signs.

- Really?
- Yeah. (chuckles)

We're more into enneagrams here.

- You mean like word games?
- Uh... Yeah.

- Yeah, sure.
- Yes, words.

- Wow. I mean...
- Oh, oh. Okay.

- Oh.
- Hey, Sam.

Paul.

Could you give us a minute?

- I don't think so.
- We were here first.

Did you get my voicemails?

Anything you have to say
can go through our lawyers.

- God knows we pay them enough.
- I pay them enough.

Well, you can afford it, unless Misty
is spending you out of house and home.

Can you really rack up that
much of a tab at Fashion Nova?

It doesn't have to be like this.

Oh, you should go back up there.

It looks like they're proofing
your girlfriend at the bar.

Ladies.

Bye, Paul.

(sighs)

What the f*ck? How did Héctor
not know about the second alarm?

- They gotta be the same company.
- He didn't know what he was looking for.

For five grand, he
better f*cking know!

Can you sit down?
You're making it worse.

- Ow.
- Where's your first aid kit?

- (sighs) I don't have one.
- Okay. Do you have vodka?

(sighs) In the freezer.

Give me your phone.

- I'm gonna order the rest on DoorDash.
- c*cksucker.

Okay. I need your face.

Thank you.

(Coop groans)

(phone buzzes)

Why is Samantha Levitt
sending you nudes?

Oh, my God. It's
complicated, okay?

(stammers) How do you
know Samantha Levitt?

Why does everybody know
everybody in this town?

Of course, everyone
f*cking knows everyone.

Is that why you were fighting
with her husband at Nick's?

No. Paul is just a d*ck,
okay? Can we please drop this?

- (mumbles)
- (sighs)

Okay.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

(groans)

(sighs)

We gotta be more careful. People
are gonna hear about this.

- About you and Sam?
- No.

About me being chased
by police and a dog.

- (groans)
- Hey. It'll pass.

Yeah.

So this looks more like a
scratch than a full-on bite,

but I would still probably
put some antibiotics on it.

It'll be fine. What are
we gonna do about Héctor?

I'll straighten out Héctor.

- Okay?
- (sighs) Okay.

You know what, I'll be fine. I'll be
fine. I gotta go. I'm gonna be late.

Late? Late to what?

Mel's birthday party.
I gotta change.

(Elena) Are you serious?

You're a complicated guy, Coop.

I know. Sometimes I
don't understand myself.

- Another shot for this bad b*tch.
- Tequila shots. Doubles, please.

Hey, can we have Don Julio?
None of that spring break sh*t.

- Uh-uh.
- Yeah.

- Grown-a*s adults.
- Line 'em up.

- Strong.
- (bartender) And here we go.

- (Samantha) Thank you.
- (Maggie) Thank you.

- Happy birthday.
- Oh, okay. That's my girl.

(laughs)

Ali?

(gasps) Happy birthday, Melly.

Thank you for coming.

Of course. I wouldn't miss it.

- (chuckles)
- Ali, we haven't seen you in forever.

You do not age.
You look amazing.

- Well, of course she looks amazing.
- Yeah.

She doesn't have kids sucking the
life out of her through her t*ts.

(chuckles)

I apologize in advance for anything
they may say at any point tonight.

Please don't leave.

(Misty) Go f*ck yourself, Paul!

- f*ck you!
- (Samantha) Oh, sh*t.

Did somebody miss
their nap time?

(chuckles)

- Okay, let's dance.
- Okay.

Mel, come on. Birthday girl
dance. Birthday girl dance.

(valet) Hey, sir.

(guest 1) Hi, Coop.

Coop, what's up?

- (guest 2) Hi, Coop.
- Hey.

Sorry.

(Coop) Hey, Kat. How are you?

Looking good.

That was quite a picture.

Are you gonna do
something about it?

I got out of bed, didn't I?

You've been spending a lot
of time in bed recently.

Okay, is this about the girl?

Wow. Nailed it on
your first try.

- And they say men are obtuse.
- Sam...

I just thought you
were better than that.

Well, better than
Paul, at least.

Though, I have to admit,
it's not a very high bar.

Okay. She was a
former colleague.

She came by to drop some
things off at the house.

She never even came inside.

She kissed you like
someone who's f*cked you.

Well, maybe some women
just kiss that way.

There you are. Tori, can I get
you over here for a minute?

- Why?
- Nick wants a family photo.

I'm not his family.

That's what I'm talking about.

That wasn't for you.

Well, I'm gonna pretend it was.

Ah.

- You're late.
- Yes. I'm sorry.

Cut me some slack,
please. Will you?

What?

Okay, are you gonna tell me what's
wrong or are you gonna stand there

- with your arms crossed?
- Dad, all you get is slack.

Slack to be a shitty dad, husband,
whatever, with no consequences.

Excuse me.

My life is one big consequence.

(scoffs) See, you want me to feel bad
for you when this is all your fault.

Hey, for the record, I
didn't choose any of this.

Okay, but you didn't fight, Dad.

It was your job to
fight for Mom, for us.

Okay? You were the only one who
could, and you just walked away.

Well, it was a little more
complicated than that.

Right. And you made leaving
look pretty f*cking simple.

Hey, hey, hey.

- Jake.
- Hey. I got this, Mr. Cooper.

- I know. Can you do me a favor?
- Yeah.

Get the f*ck out of my way.

Oh. Sure thing.

(Coop) Hey.

- Oh. Hey.
- Hey. You came.

Yeah. Just in time to get my a*s
handed to me by our daughter.

Huh, well, I got a pass tonight.

For my birthday.

Well, happy birthday, Mel.

(chuckles) Wow.
You went all out.

It's all right.

- (Nick) Hello, hello. Testing.
- (crowd cheering)

- That's my cue.
- (Nick) Hello.

(chuckles) Yeah, you
can hear me. Okay, good.

- Where is Mel?
- Hey.

Where are you, Mel? Ah, oh.
There you go. (chuckles)

Come on, baby. I want
you next to me for this.

Pretty please. (chuckles)

(crowd cheering)

Whoo. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Just let him do it.

You got it, you got it,
you got it. Come on.

(Nick chuckles)

(crowd member) Yeah!
Happy birthday!

(Nick) Yes. You're walking
up here. (chuckles)

(crowd member) Happy birthday!

- I got you a drink.
- Ah.

(Nick) Oh, my Mel. Thank you.

I know you didn't want this
party, but... (chuckles)

...how could I not spoil
you? I mean, look at you.

Ooh. Don't you hit me. It's
true, right? (chuckles)

You teach me something
new every day.

I'm my best self when I'm with you
because I want to be better for you.

You guide me through
space and time.

You speak to my soul.

I love you, babe. (chuckles)

(waiter) Sir.

Thank you. (chuckles)

So everyone, uh, raise your
Meltinis for the birthday girl.

(cheering)

(stammers) Why don't
you say something?

A little something.

(crowd laughing)

(crowd murmuring)

Can you grab a
guitar for me inside?

Got it.

(murmuring)

Sorry. I am one of those people that
needs to fill every awkward silence.

Uh, that was beautiful, Nick.

Literal tears.
(chuckles) Um, yeah.

Uh, clearly an emotional
moment for all of us.

- Give a round of applause to Nick! Yeah.
- (crowd cheering)

Nick. Strong a*s Gym.

Um, that's a very
tough act to follow.

But I'm just gonna steal
this stool here from the...

Sorry, from the DJ. So...

(crowd laughing)

I would like to...

I would love to play a song
in honor of the birthday girl.

(crowd) Aw. Yeah.

Oh, and, uh... (chuckles)

...I will be playing weeknights at the
Tap Alehouse if you are so inclined.

(crowd chatters)

(chuckles)

(chuckles) Here we go.

(exhales sharply)

- (playing "Hold Me Now")
- (i)♪ I have a picture ♪(/i)

(crowd member) I love this song.

(Ali) (i)♪ Pinned to my wall ♪(/i)

(i)♪ An image of you and of me ♪(/i)

(i)♪ And we're laughing
We're loving it all ♪(/i)

(i)♪ But look at our lives now ♪(/i)

(i)♪ All tattered and torn ♪(/i)

(i)♪ We fuss and we fight
And delight in the tears ♪(/i)

(i)♪ That we cry until dawn ♪(/i)

(i)♪ Oh, whoa ♪(/i)

(i)♪ Hold me now, whoa ♪(/i)

(i)♪ Warm my heart ♪(/i)

(i)♪ Stay with me ♪(/i)

(i)♪ Let loving start
Let loving start... ♪(/i)

(laughing)

("Hold Me Now" continues)

- What happened to your leg?
- What happened to your speech?

Don't f*ck with me right now.

Hey.

You okay?

(scoffs, breathes deeply)

Eighteen years of marriage...

you never once asked me that.

Well, for what it's
worth, I wish I had.

Ah.

Where did you get that?

They sell these at stores now.

But this I happened to
get in Hunter's room.

Oh, well, great.

(sighs) Please. Don't
worry about him now.

Worry about him when he
gets better at hiding it.

Tell that to your mother.

She chewed me out in the supermarket
the other day for being a bad parent.

(inhales deeply) I think that's just
her way of saying she misses you.

- (sighs)
- Maybe she's right.

Maybe we are
f*cking up our kids.

Well, she would know. She set the
industry standard of terrible parenting.

Coop!

Okay.

Maybe we are f*cking them up.

But please, give
yourself a break.

Whatever we have done to them
started way before the divorce, so...

To answer your
question, I'm not okay.

Nothing feels real
to me anymore.

I'm numb all the time.

I miss moments I can't
ever get back every day.

Moments with the kids...

with my patients. My God. I'm a terrible
f*cking therapist right now. (sighs)

You're not a terrible therapist.

No, no. Trust me.
You're not there.

Maybe it's not enough I f*ck up our kids,
I gotta f*ck up everybody else's kids too.

It's good to have goals.

(chuckles)

It feels like I've
been angry for so long.

I thought I was angry at you, but
now you're gone, I'm still so angry.

I'm just f*cked up.

You hide it very well.

Ow!

- ("Hold Me Now" continues)
- (Ali vocalizing)

(i)♪ You ask if I love you ♪(/i)

- (i)♪ Well, what could I say? ♪(/i)
- (laughing)

(i)♪ You know that I do
And this is just one ♪(/i)

(i)♪ Of those games that you play ♪(/i)

(i)♪ So, I'll sing you a new song ♪(/i)

(i)♪ Please don't cry anymore ♪(/i)

(i)♪ I'll even ask your forgiveness
Though I don't know ♪(/i)

(i)♪ Just what I'm asking it for ♪(/i)

(i)♪ Whoa ♪(/i)

(i)♪ And hold me now, whoa ♪(/i)

(i)♪ Warm my heart ♪(/i)

(i)♪ Stay with me ♪(/i)

(i)♪ Let loving start
Let loving start ♪(/i)

(i)♪ Whoa ♪(/i)

(i)♪ Hold me now, whoa ♪(/i)

(i)♪ Warm my heart ♪(/i)

(i)♪ Stay with me ♪(/i)

(i)♪ Let loving start
Let loving start... ♪(/i)

Oh, hi.

Hi. (chuckles)

("Hold Me Now" continues)

Damn it.

- Probably should get that fixed.
- (sighs) It's on the list.

(Ali) (i)♪ Warm my heart ♪(/i)

(i)♪ Stay with me ♪(/i)

(i)♪ Let loving start
Let loving start ♪(/i)

(i)♪ Whoa ♪(/i)

(song ends)

(breathes heavily)

(winces)

(gasps, sighs)