14x08 - Kahn-scious Uncoupling

[bunniefuu]

[♪ guitar strumming]

[beer hisses]

[♪ theme song playing]

♪

[♪ theme concludes]

[Dale Gribble]
They switched out my ball again.

Were there always three holes?

- Nobody switched your ball, Dale.
- [Dale groaning]

How can you be sure?
Who knows what goes on

in the unexplored bowels
of a bowling alley?

- [patrons chattering]
- [bowling pins clanging]

[ball crashing]

Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Missed again, Hank Hill.

[Kahn laughing]

Hey, I know why you don't
wanna knock down the pins.

It's because they're rednecks,
just like you.

The Souphanousinphones win again!

[Peggy grunts]

[Minh Souphanousinphone]
Hey, Peggy Hill,

do you ever get tired
of being second place?

I will have you know that Hank and I
won the Aramco Family Bowling League.

I even bowled a 280 one time.

That is how I became known
as Near-Perfect Peggy.

Perfect Peggy for short.

Uh, Peggy, the best
you ever bowled was a 180.

I remember it clearly
because after your final roll,

you yelled at our opponents,

"Why don't you guys do a 180
and go home?"

Yeah, it wasn't one of your best taunts.

Say, Kahn, I heard
that you hired Robata Chane

for your 30th wedding anniversary
get-together.

Bobby's real excited
and flattered that you hired him.

We hired Robata Chane
because of Chane, not Bobby.

But you cheaped out on the help.

Help?
I'm the best documentary filmmaker

slash wedding videographer in Arlen.

In fact, I've been filming
this whole time.

- [camera beeping]
- And Boomhauer

is unofficially the best bartender
in Heimlich.

My official list
doesn't come out until June.

Dang right, is,
I'm a dang ol' mixologist, man.

And talkin' 'bout molecular, man,
well, check this out.

Smoke, man.

- [spitting]
- You guys better not disappoint.

You know, we just had
our 29th anniversary.

We ordered in.

When you have a marriage like us,
every day is a party,

and the guest of honor is our love.

So, we are getting to 30 years first?

I guess we beat you guys
in marriage too.

[laughing]

The Souphanousinphones win again!

[Peggy scoffs]

Bill, we told you bowling night
was a couples thing.

Couples and Dale's and Boomhauer's.

Can't a guy have a meal
at his favorite restaurant?

I'll have my usual, Tony!

[grease sizzling]

Remember, don't mention
the anniversary party to Bill.

Come on.
Can't you just invite him?

I still haven't forgiven him
for dating my late mother.

Could you?

Mm! [chuckles]

♪

I suppose you're wondering why
I am giving you the silent treatment.

Mm-hmm.

[Peggy groans]

Is something bothering you?

Nope, everything's fine.

Just fine.

Okay, then.
Well, I guess, good night.

Hank, you embarrassed me tonight!

What?

At the bowling alley, remember?

Yes, I remember being
at the bowling alley.

Was there anything else?

When I told the story about bowling a 280,
why did you correct me?

Because you scored a 180.

Oh, come on, Hank.
It was just a little embellishment.

You gave yourself 100 extra points.

On a scale from one to 100,
you lied the most you could possibly lie.

You could have just played along.

I hate lying, Peggy.

But even more, I hate being made
into an accomplice.

Accomplice?
I am not asking you to rob a bank.

- [distant clanging]
- Did you hear that?

If I said I did not, I'd be lying.

I will handle it.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[clanging continues]

Wait, wait.
Sounds like someone's trying

to get into the garage next door.

Oh! Well, then that is Kahn
and Minh's problem, isn't it?

Let's see how c*ck they are
after being robbed blind.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[clanging continues]

Stop right there,
or prepare to eat 15-gauge nails.

Ah! Don't sh**t!

Kahn?

Why are you breaking into
your own garage?

I'm not breaking in,
I just couldn't find a door opener.

- And I'm working on a DIY project.
- [garage door whirring]

This late in the night?

♪

Are you sleeping in here?

No!
Don't be ridiculous.

That-- that's my project.

I'm upholstering
a headboard and frame.

So, you went with the stitched loft?

Yes, I did.

Stitched is the weakest tear strength.

A real upholstery craftsman
would have used bonded loft.

Dai liao.
Okay, okay.

Yes, I'm living in the garage,

because me and Minh,
we got divorced.

Divorced?

But we just saw the two of you
together earlier tonight.

All for show.

Divorce is a mark of shame
in the Asian country club community.

If they found out,
I'd be the lowest of the low,

like a Laotian Bill Dauterive.

It could taint Connie
as good marriage material

in the eyes of the Wassanasongs.

Does Connie know about the divorce?

[insects chirping]

[garage door whirring]

Yes.

That was unnecessarily dramatic.

It was completely necessary.
This is a serious situation.

You-- you can't tell anyone,
especially your blabbermouth wife.

Lie to Peggy?
I don't know.

Please, Hank Hill.

Look at how pathetic my life is already.

Even those geckos know it.

Every night, they have sex
on my bed, mocking me.

- They make me watch!
- Good Lord.

Okay, look, calm down.

I guess for the sake
of your family's reputation,

I can keep your divorce a secret.

Thank you.
I promise I'll return the favor

when you get divorced.

[garage door whirring]

Everything's fine.

Kahn was just doing
some work in his garage.

This late at night? What work?

Oh, uh, he noticed a rip in the upholstery

of their marital bed after they got home.

I helped him fix it.

There.
All questions answered.

Good night.

♪

[♪ upbeat music playing]

Every hors d'oeuvre has a theme
of "Laotian Love."

- Check it out.
- Fried oysters with coconut pearls?

The 30th is the pearl anniversary.

Oysters are in season.

This is incredible. I love it.

I'm so glad.
I hope your parents do too.

Yeah, my parents.
They're being so extra with this party.

- What do you mean?
- It's mainly to impress

their so-called friends,
especially Chane's parents.

They think we're like about
to get married or something.

[chuckles]
Isn't that stupid?

Really, really stupid.

I mean, I'm just agreeing with you.

It'd be so much easier
if we could just tell our parents

we're in an open ENM relationship.

Uh, look, I'll be doing everything
that I can to make the event successful.

As I like to always say,
good food can solve any problem.

Thanks, Bobby.
You're good to me.

Um, I-- I should get going.
I gotta start studying for finals.

Okay, yeah, I should study too,
for, um... lunch?

[chuckles]
See you at the party.

Okay, bye!

[speaker 1] [on TV]
Whose underwear's this, huh?

- [speaker 2] Honey, this is--
- [speaker 1] No, you lie [bleep]!

Are you watching reality TV?

If so, I'll go rotate my lawnmower tires.

I am.
There's a new show

called My Husband
Lied To Me Last Night.

But in this episode, he will tell me

what really happened
at our neighbor's house.

Uh, I think you're lying
about the title of the show,

but I'm gonna let it go.

It's like I told ya, Kahn was working
on, uh, his new bed frame.

Oh, come on, Hank, you have a tell.

Every time you try to lie,
you clean your glasses.

It was cute when you told
Brian Robertson

you voted for Obama, but not now.

I'm not cleaning my-- I'm just-- [scoffs]

My eyes were feeling dry and--
Gotdangit!

Okay, look, Kahn swore me to secrecy.

So, you're completely willing
to lie for Kahn,

but you could not play along
with my bowling story?

Your own wife?!

[sighs]
Okay, you win.

Kahn and Minh are divorced.

- What?
- He's livin' in the garage.

And I think he was peein' in a bucket.

There was this ammonia smell.

After all that bragging
and putting us down,

turns out their marriage is a lie?

Well, well, well.

See, that's why
I didn't want to tell you.

You're gonna want to
throw it in their faces.

I promised I would keep the divorce
a secret, so you do too,

or we could ruin
their anniversary party.

- [♪ dramatic music playing]
- Hmm.

Sounds like you want me

to be an accomplice in your lies, Hank.

- That shut you up.
- No, Peggy.

Now, I am giving you
the silent treatment.

Amateur.
Fine, I will keep their secret.

I am not that competitive.

In fact, let's see who will be
the best liar at the party.

Spoiler alert, it will be me.
[laughing]

Bring it on.

I'm not worried
about what'll happen one bit.

♪

- [♪ light piano music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]

- Cheers.
- To you, my friend.

My goodness, I had no idea
lies were so expensive these days.

Remember, watch what you say, Peggy.

Remember, I am the better liar.
You watch what you say.

Remember, this needs to go well
for Bobby and Connie too.

Let's just agree for their sake
to keep quiet.

[Brian Robertson] [on mic]
Hello everyone!

Sabaidi.
Sabaidi Thuk Khon.

Welcome to Kahn and Minh's


- [cheering and applause]
- [♪ band playing upbeat swanky music]

I guess we should go congratulate
the allegedly happy couple.

Well, well, well,
if it isn't the runner-up Hills.

[whispering]
Play along.

Ha!
Yeah, hang in there,

and your marriage might last
as long as ours.

Well, you guys look, uh, r-radiant.

Kahn, you are a handsome man.

I bet you'll be married for 31 years.

Why stop there? I say 40 years.

- It's a love that'll last forever.
- Even in death.

Uh, thank you?

Look at this pair
of gorgeous young lovebirds.

It is nice to see you too,
Chane and Connie.

[laughing]
Comedy roast!

Ted, Cindy!
So glad you made it.

As president and treasurer
of this country club,

we're glad and obligated to be here.

Thirty years of marriage.

What a great example
you're setting for our kids here.

Hey, maybe they will end up
outlasting all of us one day.

- [group laughing]
- Excuse me, I'm gonna get a drink.

I'm Kahn's old neighbor,
Brian Robertson,

and we are the Gentle Funk Orchestra.

Normally, we're an R&B band, but tonight,

we're fusing in some Laotian flavors.

Hit it, khene man.

♪ I will never find another lover
vong kva chao ♪

♪ Vong kva chao ♪

♪ And I will never find another lover
more precious than you ♪

♪ More precious than you ♪

♪ All my life ♪

- [drone whirring]
- [guests] Oh!

♪ I prayed for someone like you ♪

[Dale nervously groaning]

♪ And I thank God ♪

[camera clicking]

- ♪ That I finally found you ♪
- [Dale thuds]

- Pretend I'm not here.
- [guest] Hey!

[camera clicking]

Hey Bobby, can I hang out
in here for a minute?

What's wrong?
Is Joseph hand-feeding the aunties again?

Chane's putting on a "boyfriend" show
for our parents again.

You know, hugging me, kissing me,

- rubbing me on my--
- I get it.

But, uh, uh, uh,
are your parents happy

with how things are going?
The food?

I heard people raving
about your Endless Summer Rolls.

But my parents are just like Chane.

They're all about appearances, and...

[sighs] Anyway, thanks for making
this whole thing slightly bearable.

Slightly bearable's what I'm here for.

Anything I can do to bump
that up to mildly tolerable?

That's the bartender's job.

[♪ upbeat music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

I'm here for the anniversary party.

- Name, please?
- Mm...

- Sonny Soo.
- Really?

Y-yuh-huh.

Mr. Dauterive, we know who you are.

It's not like that.
We were in love.

[excited chatter]

What is this?
It's delicious!

These are coconut pearls.

Wow, that Chane Wassanasong
really knows how to cater a party.

[♪ sad guitar music plays]

When you asked Robata Chane to cater,
I knew I had to bring it.

What a good Laotian boy!

I really appreciate you
honoring our culinary heritage.

Where on earth did you find galangal root?

Yeah, tell us.
Where did you find that root?

Well, I can't take all the credit.

Your daughter
inspired a lot of the dishes,

like that papaya sticky rice,
because she's so sweet.

Aww!
I think I'm gonna cry.

- Bobby said it was mango.
- Easy, Peggy.

I didn't really contribute, but Chane,

aren't you forgetting
to thank someone else who did?

- The troops?
- Never forget.

[♪ band playing funk music]

[people chattering]

[Joseph Gribble]
Dude, he's always been a tool.

Even in junior high,
Chane was taking credit for people's work.

Remember those cool S's he drew?
I was doing it first.

[chomps bite]

[mouthful] You should just be proud
that everyone loves your food.

He's only acting
like it's more serious with Connie

to please his moneybags dad.

I oughta tell her she doesn't have
to put up with that crap,

but I don't want to overstep.

I just know I'd hate myself
if I had to watch that rich d-bag

snuggle up with my crush all night,
whispering in her ear,

putting his hand on the small of her back.

Shut up! Get back out there.

- [smacks]
- And stop eating all the food.

"Don't eat all the food."
"Don't grind on the hot old widows."

Why am I even here?

It's just such a wholesome relationship,

which is a nice change of pace
for Chane.

And we are so happy
to see Connie with Chane,

especially after all those other duds
she dated.

I think you forgot that Connie
and Bobby dated?

Yeah, and my Bobby is no dud.

I didn't know your kids dated.

Oh!
[laughing]

It was nothing.
Puppy crush.

For real.
The Hill boy was barely housebroken.

Yeah, their kid was just like
a chubby stepping stone

- to get to someone like your son.
- What was that?

Oh, I was just agreeing with Minh.

I mean, Bobby and Connie
didn't have a real relationship.

Oh, and I suppose you and Minh
would know all about real relationships?

Hey, hey Peggy, listen.
Uh, you love this song, remember?

You said it always makes you
wanna stop talkin' and dance.

[♪ upbeat dance music playing]

Come on, don't just stand there.

Let it go, Peggy.

They're just kissin' up
to the Wassanasongs.

It's not just that.
Now, they're doing it

at the expense of our son.

You're right.
But the night's almost over,

and we're so close to gettin'
through it without turning this

into one of your shows
about squabbling housewives.

This isn't New Jersey,
for crying out loud.

Okay, fine, I will not blow it up.

But only because I do not
want to mess it up for Bobby,

and I do not want to lose to you,
the world's worst liar.

It's fine if this ends in a tie.

Soccer taught me that that's okay.

[guests chattering]

One "Minh Julep," extra strong.

- You got it, ma'am.
- [items clanging]

There you are!

Why aren't you with Chane?
You're so cute together.

[scoffs]
I told you, we're just dating casually.

Stop calling him "son"
and winking like an idiot.

Connie, I just want to see you end up
in a good, happy marriage.

Stop talking about marriage.
I'm 21 years old.

I got married when I was 21!

Well, Mom, have you ever thought
that maybe I don't want to make

the same mistakes that you did?

[Brian] [on mic]
Attention, please.

The slide show will start right here
by the stage in just a few minutes.

Crap, that's my cue!

[camera beeping]

- Ah.
- [rapid typing]

- [typing continues]
- Oh! Crap!

- [♪ band begins playing]
- How 'bout one more dance

before the slideshow?

To the left.
Take it back now, y'all.

I love a dance with clear rules
and instructions.

Can I ask you guys somethin'?

Chane is bothering Connie.

I want to help her,

but that would require
a confrontation with him,

and his dad is still my boss.

Bobby, it's probably best to leave
Connie and her parents alone.

- [Brian] Let's stomp!
- Why do you say that?

Uh, they're just dealin' with a lot of,
uh, you know, Laotian stuff.

Dad, you have a tell.

You're obviously hiding somethin' big.

Oh, for the love of God,
just tell him, Hank.

There's no way you can lie
and Cha-Cha-Slide.

[sighs]
Okay, look, you can't tell anyone,

but, uh, Connie's parents are divorced.

[Brian]
Everybody, clap your hands!

[group clapping rhythmically]

[♪ espionage music playing]

- [door jiggling]
- [Bill groaning]

- [clears throat]
- [Bill gasps]

[chuckling] Silly me.

This isn't the way off the property.

- [♪ upbeat music playing]
- [people chattering]

- Are you okay?
- Of course.

[Bill grumbles in distance]

This party is going well.

- Everyone's happy.
- [guests whooping]

But are you okay?

- [Brian] [on mic] Right foot, let's stomp!
- Not really.

But I will be. Thanks.

[Brian]
Kick it out, y'all.

[camera beeping]

I really should have labeled these.

- [over speakers] My dad just told me.
- [♪ music stops abruptly]

If I had known
your parents were divorced,

- I would have been there for you.
- [guests gasping]

I'm so sorry.

[Connie Souphanousinphone]
Don't be.

Nobody knows about the divorce.

- [crowd murmuring]
- They're keeping it secret.

- [gasps]
- What's wrong?

What's the ma--
Why is everyone looking at us

and why are we on TV?

Oh! Oh, uh-oh.

- Bobby!
- Hank Hill!

♪

- [soft microphone feedback]
- Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Funny prank, Bobby Hill,
you little scamp, you.

Everybody, relax.
We are not divorced.

We have a strong marriage.

Tons of sex.
Even right before we came here.

Don't worry, we washed our hands.

[sighs deeply]

That's enough, Kahn.
It's true, everyone.

This anniversary party is a sham.

We have been divorced for two years.

Thank you for coming.

- What? No way!
- Oh, my goodness.

- [crowd murmuring]
- Bwaaah!

They've been divorced for two years?
Well, that means, technically,

we have been married longer.
Hoyeah!

[people chattering]

- [soft microphone feedback]
- [Brian clearing throat]

♪ Although we come to the end ♪

- ♪ Of the road ♪
- Ted, wait!

Okay, we're divorced.
But I still live in the garage!

- I find that very sad.
- And disgusting.

Cindy, maybe Chane
shouldn't be dating a girl

from a broken family whose father sleeps
with leftover paint and silverfish.

It's actually geckos.

Hey, it seems like
you have a lot going on.

I'm gonna give you some space
and get out of here.

You're ditching me?
Now?!

You know the rules of ENM.

We don't have to burden
each other with our problems.

I thought that's what we loved
about this arrangement.

So, you pretend to be a real boyfriend

when you want to impress your parents,
but now that I need your support--

Hey, stop forcing me
to feel your feelings.

This isn't consensual,
and I don't feel safe.

[chair scrapes]

Look, we can still meet up later
to have sex, if you want.

I'll do that for you!

[Kahn sobbing]

[Kahn sniffles]

Ah! I'm sorry.
I'll leave.

Come in, Bill.
It doesn't matter anymore.

Everyone knows that me
and Minh are divorced.

At least the worst part is over.

Oh, Kahn.
It gets much, much worse.

Oh, hello, Connie. I...

- I'm sorry, Mrs. Hill.
- For what?

For how my parents
were treating you guys, and Bobby.

He did a great job tonight
and didn't get any credit.

Thank you.
I am sorry

for what you and your family
are going through.

It's weird.
I knew my parents were divorced,

but it's, like, real now.

I have always competed
with your parents, out-competed.

But one thing we all did right
was raise wonderful children.

- [♪ gentle music playing]
- We tied in that.

And, if you decide one day
that marriage is for you, Connie,

you will be a great wife
to a very lucky man.

You are not destined
to end up like your parents.

I remember as a kid always feeling better
after talking to you.

Thank you.

Would you say that I was
a better mom than Minh?

Leave me out of that, Mrs. Hill.

[crickets chirping]

[engine whirring softly]

[♪ gentle music playing]

I'm sorry for my part in all of that.

Trust me,
you're the last person I blame.

You know, it didn't seem like you had
a chance to eat all night, so I--

- I just broke up with Chane.
- [excitedly] You did?!

I-- I'm sorry.
Would mango sticky rice

make you feel any better?

I know "good food can solve any problem,"

but right now,
I could really just use a hug.

Well, I brought that too.

[♪ gentle music continues]

Big shout-out to the lovely couple
keeping this party going.

They've been married for 29 years.

- Let's give it up for 'em.
- [band clapping]

- Come on now.
- You know, Brian,

I am a bit of a musician myself.

In fact, I placed second
in the Aramco Talent Show.

Sorry.
I mean, I was third runner-up.

- [♪ band playing soft ballad]
- Don't be modest, Peggy.

She won the whole darn thing.

It was the best acoustic cover
of Despacito

that Saudi Arabia has ever seen.

Hank Hill, did you just lie for me?

I did. And I feel kinda dirty,
but in a good way.

Like how I feel after cleaning out
the garbage disposal.

Just shut up and dance, Hank.

♪ May this fire in my soul dear ♪

♪ Forever burn ♪

[birds chirping]

[♪ gentle guitar music playing]

[garage door clanging]

[garage door whirring]

Hey, Kahn.
We wanted to, uh, check on ya.

I brought you a beer.

We know you've been rejected
by your community,

but we're your community, too.

[♪ soft music playing]

[garage door whirring]

Can I ask Minh out?

♪

[♪ "Yahoos and Triangles"
by The Refreshments playing]

- ♪ Yee-haw! ♪
- ♪ Wa-hoo! ♪

[♪ song ends]

[birds chirping]

- [golf club thumps]
- [crowd cheering]

♪

[Hank Hill] This isn't New Jersey,
for crying out loud.

[♪ fanfare playing]