14x03 - Bobby Gets Grilled

[bunniefuu]

[♪ guitar strumming]

[beer hisses]

[♪ theme song playing]

♪

[♪ theme concludes]

Great work on the seaweed, Miguel!

The way you dice is oh-so-nice.

And talk to me, Sandra.

How we lookin' on the herring tempura?

Ist gut?

So freaking gut!

- [phone buzzing]
- That's what I like to hear!

[phone beeps]

- [over phone] Hi, Mom.
- How is my little restaurateur?

I'm good, Mom. Can't wait to see you guys.

Hope you bring your appetites.

We did!

Oh, uh, Bobby, I hope you don't mind.

We invited Dale and Nancy.

We thought we'd make a trip of it

and go to the Bush Presidential Library.

Anybody else want some colloidal silver

to protect us from the Dallas 5G,

which is full of carcinogens?

Uh, so would it be okay
if they joined us for dinner?

Of course. The Gribbles are family,

and dinner's on me.

Uh, Bobby, one more thing.
Uh, before the library,

we were hoping to stop by
the restaurant for a little tour.

Figure I'd get there early
to test that type two propane tank

to make sure it's pumpin' out
all 46,000 BTUs.

I am so happy you took my advice
and chose that one.

Oh, and I brought the manual
to double-check

you're not breakin' any code violations.

Uh, great. No problem. Safety first,

but I got it handled, Dad.

You should just enjoy the food.

What I will enjoy is makin' sure
your propane system

is exactly as I described.

That's all the enjoyment I need.

Alright, see you soon.

- [hangs up]
- [sighs]

[Emilio] What's wrong, Chef Bobby?
You look even paler than usual.

Like scared mayonnaise.

Oh, man, my parents wanna
tour of the place,

and I hadn't told my dad

that I use Japanese
Binchotan coals to cook

instead of propane.

- So what?
- Emilio,

my dad loves four things in life,

America, my mom, me, and propane.

And when I was a kid,
depending on the week,

propane would be above me on the list.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't I greet them at the door
with saké bombs so strong,

they'll pass out before
they even make it to the table?

Or... I stage a robbery

and tell 'em the thieves
only took the propane.

[scoffs] My dad might
actually believe that.

♪

[staff] Irasshaimase and willkommen,
Hills and Gribbles!

This is Robata Chane,

a traditional Japanese barbecue

with a fusion of flavors and techniques

from the German traditions
of the Texas Hill Country.

I'm Chef Bobby.

And my son.

[staff snickers]

I have been looking forward to this moment

since we got back from
Saudi Arabia.

I am so proud of you, Bobby.

That's enough, Peggy.

His staff's not gonna respect
a mama's boy.

- Oh, I love the ambiance here.
- [♪ soft Japanese music playing]

It's so mystical.

Well, all the decor has
been carefully researched

and chosen to represent the culture

of the people who inspired my menu.

So, let's take a look
at that propane setup.

- [Bobby Hill] Uh, Dad...
- Charcoal?

Oh, I get it.

This is just for show.
Lure in the out-of-towners.

- The propane's in the back, right?
- Dad, Dad, Dad!

- [counter slams]
- I use charcoal to cook. Not propane.

- [Peggy gasps]
- No!

Here we go.

What? But we went over
the different systems

for hours over the phone!

Those were some of the best times
we ever spent together.

Were all those "uh-huhs" you said
after every point I made just lies?

No. I considered propane.

Considered? It gets worse!

Are you sure you're not
just following a trend

'cause it's cool and foreign?

No, sir. I spent time researching

the history of German
and Japanese cuisine.

They don't make commercial-grade
Schwenker grills,

and this is the best
and only way to cook robata.

Well, I guess every meal
I've ever fed ya,

I did it wrong then.

Dad, that's not what I'm sayin'!

You don't have to. I get it.

Anything traditional is bad.

We'll come back after the museum.

I need to clear my head first
with some authentic Texan history.

Let's go, guys.

But I really need to use the bathroom!

Wait till the library, Dale.

Okay, but I can't
promise the dam will hold.

Truth is there's been
a little breach already.

♪

- [♪ guitar music plays]
- [car alarm chirps]

I don't get it, Peggy.
Why can't he make a restaurant

where he cooks on a propane backyard grill

just like everybody else in Texas? [sighs]

That boy ain't right.

Now, Hank, Bobby is not
our little boy anymore.

He is his own man.

Alright then. That man ain't right.

♪

Now's probably not the time to--

It's not!

- [sizzling]
- [dicing]

What with your dad
and the whole propane thing--

What is it, Emilio?

We're running low on Binchotan.

But how can that be?
We're Hitachiya's only customer.

- Probably why he went out of business.
- Ugh!

But I have some good news.
I called Hitachiya,

and he recommended
another charcoal supplier.

Well, why didn't you start with that?

You see the day I'm having.

Let's give him a call.

[dialing]

[line ringing]

[Yoshida] [on phone]
Moshi moshi. Yoshida Charcoal,

the supplier of the finest
authentic Binchotan in Dallas.

- Moshi moshi.
- [Yoshida] How may I help you?

Sir, my name is Bobby Hill.

I'm the head chef at Robata Chane,

and I'm here with my sous chef, Emilio.

- Yo.
- Yeah, so we're in search of

a new Binchotan charcoal supplier.

- Hello?
- [Yoshida] Yeah?

I was thinkin', can we start
with a weekly order of,

say, ten 22-pound bags?

Maybe a mix of two-thirds Kirimaru
and one-third Kowari?

[Yoshida] No.

Uh, I'm sorry, why not?

[Yoshida]
You said you run a robata, right?

- Yes.
- [Yoshida] Are you Japanese?

No.

[Yoshida]
Then, I stand by my earlier "no."

[hangs up]

What the hell just happened?

[♪ patriotic music playing]

Was that the actual baseball
thrown by President Bush

before game three of
the 2001 World Series,

- providing hope to a grieving nation?
- Yes!

You are making my job easy.

And this is the pen the President used

to sign the legislation

that lifted the ban on offshore drilling.

So many jobs created with one pen stroke.

[sighs]

Can we see something more interesting?

This is interesting!

Here's a man who respects history.

This is just what I needed, Peggy.

[Peggy groans]

[whispers] A baseball and a pen?

Maybe there's a letter opener
I could use to k*ll myself.

[whispers] Don't you dare k*ll yourself
and leave me here, Peggy Hill!

- [video playing on phone]
- Vaya Con Dios.

[g*nshots, screaming on video]

Look, can't you guys
handle this on your own?

It's our business school
Greek Freak party.

We tried, but the supplier
won't sell us the charcoal

because we're not Japanese.

- [♪ house music blasting inside]
- Well, I'm not Japanese.

But you are the majority owner
of Robata Chane.

You're the majority owner
of [bleep] up my day.

♪

[♪ soft Japanese music playing]

- [bell chimes]
- Let me handle this.

[door opens]

Hello. I'm the owner of Robata Chane,

and we'd like to talk to the owner
of this fine establishment.

I am the owner.

But we spoke to a Mr. Yoshida
on the phone.

That is me.

Dude, don't be a d*ck. Go get the owner.

He's probably a little guy, black hair?

Get out of my shop!

Look, I get it. You hate your job.

Just tell Yoshida we're here.

Chane, I think this is Mr. Yoshida.

But you're Black.

I was adopted by a baby
by Makoto and Yamamoto Junko

and raised in Japan. I'm Japanese.

You think coming here with
some token Japanese guy

is going to make me sell out?

- I'm Laotian.
- [Yoshida] Even worse!

You think Asians can't steal culture
from other Asians?

Don't get me started on Hapkido.

That sh*t's just Aikido for Korean.

Mr. Yoshida, please.
We've got a restaurant to run,

and I'm turnin' a lot of people on

to traditional Binchotan-flavored robata.

- Now, why isn't that a good thing?
- Still no.

You don't understand!
I'm down to my last box.

I'll have to close my restaurant
if I don't get more.

Good. You should have thought of that
before you weren't Japanese!

- What?!
- Now I know this guy's Japanese

'cause he's stubborn as hell!

Your loss, dude.
We're gonna find another wood burner.

Do you know who my father is?
Ted Wassanasong.

Did he play for the Tokyo Giants?

What? No. But, he can do anything.

In fact, he could start
a Binchotan business

and drive you out of the state.

Oh, yeah? Well, then I'll just sue you

for racial discrimination
against Black small businesses.

You can't play two race cards!

Hijole, the cojones on this guy.

Man, if there was a Laotian martial art,

I'd use it to kick your a*s.

There is a Laotian martial art.
It's called Muay Lao.

Don't tell me about my culture!
It's called "suck it!"

Alright, thank you, Mr. Yoshida.

You have a nice day.

- [♪ patriotic music playing]
- [tourists yawning]

[tour guide] And here is
a pair of leather work gloves

given to people who helped President Bush
clear invasive cedar

from his ranch in Crawford, Texas.

Wow. Invasive cedar.

See? Presidents really do
defend America from all enemies,

both foreign and domestic.

[tourists groan]

Lies! The Great Cedar Ranch Scam
was a false flag

to distract the dummies from
the real invasion by the MS-13

in the secret tunnels from
Acapulco to the Denver Airport.

[sighs] This is why
I didn't want Dale to come.

[whispers]
Well, Hank, I could not just ask Nancy.

I disagree. Nancy is a good hang.

Hank, do you really wanna
give people the impression

you have two beautiful wives?

They will think you are a Mormon elder.

[laughs] This election
wasn't really determined

by the Supreme Court!

It was decided by the United Nations,

as has every election,

and Miss Universe,

since 1979!

Uh, I'm sorry for my friend.

Eh, we get at least one a day.

I heard on Newsmax that
Chief Justice William Rehnquist

was actually a Russian double agent.

- Ban Ki-moon was his handler.
- [Dale Gribble] That's old hat!

He was a double agent, but not for Russia.

He was working for the Vatican.

You can read all about it in my Substack.

Ooh, I wanna subscribe!

No, guys, don't listen to him.

Dale has an active imagination.

He's for entertainment purposes only.

Hank, I am a trusted source now.

A sober gray beard.
The voice of common sense.

People are waking up to the truth.

[murmuring in agreement]

[Dale] Do you wanna hear the boring facts
about Laura Bush's inaugural gown?

Yes, please!

Or about George Bush's
secret twin brother Jub,

who took his place after
the pretzel choking incident

where the real George Bush died?

- Jub!
- [all] Jub! Jub! Jub!

Wait, do y'all wanna hear
the real true story...

- Ah!
- ...of George Bush and the thrown shoe?

It's a doozy. See? Facts can be fun.

I've got even funner facts!

Now Jub, or "Jubya,"
as the Secret Service calls him,

- has a third nipple.
- [group murmuring]

Which is why you never saw
Bush without a shirt on.

[sighs]

♪

Ciao, Roberto!
How's the robata racket treatin' you?

Not so good, Mr. Cappatelli.

I had to shut my restaurant down

until I can find some more charcoal.

Sorry to hear that.
How can we be of assistance?

Well, you use a wood-fire oven.

Is there any chance you know
a good charcoal supplier?

- [♪ soft Italian music playing]
- [patrons chattering]

Let's say we do.

If we give you that information,
what would be in it for us?

Uh... Oh. My eternal gratitude...?

We were thinkin' somethin'
a little more substantial.

Yeah, maybe we could find
a way to... exchange leases?

Exchange leases?

We could use the extra space
for a bigger wood-fire oven,

and we'd find you a nice spot
in a part of town that's more...

"desirable" for your kind of cuisine.

A safer part of town.

[♪ Italian music continues]

Oh! [laughs]

Are you "leaning" on me?

You know,
"making me an offer I can't refuse"?

[both] Whoa! Madonn'a mia!

Do I look like Tony Soprano to you?

No! I was just jokin'!

That show is why I canceled my HBO.

You know, Yoshida warned us about you.

We could put that up all over the street,

or you can swap leases with us.

You have to admit,
it's a proposition you can't say no to.

Come on! That's the same
as an offer I can't refuse!

Oh! Again with this guy!

[Bobby] It was two Italian guys,

and they threw a soppressata at me,
and I'm being offensive?!

[sighs] Yeah, I, I feel ya.

I mean, I'm the only white dude
on my road crew.

As a white dude,
one of my biggest problems

is I have no freaking clue
what to wear on Halloween.

Apparently, I can't be
Speedy Gonzales anymore.

Well, that is pretty r*cist.

Speedy Gonzales' r*cist?

He's a hero.

He fought the good fight
against American imperialism.

You know, the cat? Sylvester?

Well, bet your bottom dollar

Mel Blanc wouldn't be able to do
Speedy's voice nowadays.

- Who's Mel Blanc?
- Who--

Only a genius who did the voices

for Bugs Bunny, Porky Pig, and Daffy Duck!

Genius? Sounds more like a white guy

who stole a lot of jobs from Latinos
and farm animals.

But, for serious,
we're down to our last box of charcoal.

- What do you wanna do?
- [groans] I don't know!

How do you pass a test

when there's so many
different people marking it?

[lisping] Suffering succotash!

[♪ patriotic music playing]

Welcome to the Situation Room!

A unique interactive experience

set up so you'll be able to re-enact

a crisis in America's history.

Oh boy.

Please let it be
the Kennedy assassination.

The Ted Kennedy assassination.

That whole Kennedy family.
What a train wreck.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'd ride that train.

- Mm-hmm!
- Well, they were beloved.

You'll work as a team
and make important decisions

about the September 2008 housing crisis,

during the collapse of
the subprime mortgage industry

when the government debated the takeover

of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

- Ooh, that's a juicy one.
- [group murmurs]

Would you like to be the president?

I do solemnly swear

that I will faithfully execute

the office of President of
the United States and will--

A simple "yes" would've sufficed.

Ma'am, you'll be
Fed Chairman John Paulson.

Hoyeah!

I can buy and sell all of you losers.

Sug, can I be the Fannie Mae president?

I just like the name Fannie Mae. [giggles]

Huh, uh... Sure.

And I'll be the head of
the shadowy Trilateral Commission,

David Rockefeller.

And you'll be the Queen of England.

We all know that
the president's just a puppet,

and that the Queen and Lyndon LaRouche
pulled all the strings.

That's not true, Dale.

Can you prove that it isn't true?
Can you, Hank?

Mr. President to you, Rockefeller.

Can I be Epstein?

From Welcome Back, Kotter? No. Why?

Can I be Obama's Kenyan handler?

Obama was born in Hawaii.

That's reason enough not to vote for him
without makin' stuff up.

Wait, aren't you gonna do anything?

[laughs] You're the president.

No, not if this group isn't gonna respect
the historical accuracy.

I might as well stand here and do nothing.

Fine. Vice President it is.

♪

Bobby, someone's here to...

Mr. Wassanasong!
What a... pleasant surprise?

Bobby, I'd like to have a word
with you in your office. Now.

Why didn't you tell me they were here?
I coulda ran.

I tried.

I think I've got a solution
for your charcoal problem.

You do?

Use propane. Propane is cheap, Bobby.

If you lose money,
Chane might give up on business school

and go back to being a DJ.
So, it's propane!

What? No! No!

The food won't have the traditional
Japanese authenticity

we are going for here.

Bobby, I'd love to serve
authentic Laotian cuisine

- if anybody ever heard of it.
- Nice one, Dad.

But, you know what
everybody's heard of? Propane.

And nobody's gonna notice you're using it.

- I'll notice.
- Sorry. Chef Bobby?

There's some ethnic association
that needs to speak to you.

Again?

Ted, I might need your help on this.

Bobby, I'm a silent partner.

For a silent partner,
you sure yell at me a lot.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Bobby Hill? We'd like to
talk to you about your menu.

We have some concerns about it.

[♪ dramatic music continues]

- [Bobby] But, you're white.
- Oh, yes.

German, to be precise.

Scheisse.

We're representatives from

the Dallas German American
Cultural Association,

and we're concerned about
the fusion aspect of your menu.

May I ask what part of
Germany your family is from?

Well, I think there's, uh, some German,

but it's mostly Scottish-Irish descent.

How much German?

Obviously, it'd be best
if you were racially pure.

Really? You're going there?

"Hill." That's not a German name.

Are you any relation to Cotton Hill?

[laughs] I'm his grandson!

He machine-gunned my grandfather.

So, he was one of the "fitty" men?

We'd like to try your food.

If it's authentic,
we'll write you up in our newsletter

and the Dallas German community will hear.

And if it's not authentic,
they will also hear.

[Bobby groans]

[Dale] What all the sheeple
didn't realize was that

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac
were both the same person,

engineered to create
the illusion of choice.

That's not true.

They weren't people.
They were banking institutions.

Not according to Newsmax.
I'm with Rockefeller.

He's not Rockefeller,

and you're not the Queen of England.

Nobody turns their back on the Queen!

- [♪ dramatic music plays]
- What the...?

[group murmuring]

History does repeat itself.

Oh, Sug, shouldn't we leave now?
Bobby's been waitin' for us.

Wingo! I'm starvin'. Let's go!

- Who's taking over?!
- Well, I'm the Queen of England!

- We're not Britain!
- I vote for Jub.

- [tourist 1] I vote for Epstein!
- Bwah!

- [tourist 2] I'll have you all beheaded.
- [tourist 3] I have no shoes!

Last thing I wanna do
is cancel this dinner

after makin' such a big deal to my dad.

Maybe he's right.

If I just use propane
and stop tryin' to be authentic,

this would all go away.

Do you think your food would be better
if you used propane?

[♪ pensive music playing]

- No.
- Bobby,

I've worked in a lot of restaurants.

An Italian food place
that a Chinese guy owned,

a Persian restaurant that
an Irish woman owned,

and a Denny's.

All of them had Latinos in the kitchen
and all of them went under

because they didn't do their homework

and were trying too hard
to please everyone else.

You're a great chef, Bobby.

And I oughta know.

I've worked with a lot
of crappy ones before.

Thank you, Emilio.

But there are other people
I need to convince.

[♪ soft music playing]

Let's close down the restaurant early,

so I can use this last box of charcoal

for the only meal that matters now.

Our last supper?

Could be, if we drop the ball.

[phone beeps, line ringing]

There's been a lot of talk
about this restaurant

and the food I serve here.

Fair enough.
But, what isn't fair is that

many of you haven't tasted it yet.

So, me and my staff have cooked a meal

that I think will blow your socks off.

- Well, not if you didn't use propane.
- Why did I agree to come here?

Isn't it "knock your socks off"?

But, before we serve it,

let me make something perfectly clear.

This is not authentic
Japanese or German food.

It's authentic "Bobby food."

It's important that
I'm authentic to myself.

I love food. All food.

I can vouch for that.
I once saw him dip a fruit pie

- into some tuna fish.
- Okay, Mom.

So, everyone, please,
let your taste buds do the talking.

And if there's any way
to improve these dishes,

let me know. Emilio?

[♪ hopeful music playing]

Well, this is... so different.

Different, awful?

No, honey. Different, good.

The Binchotan coals really
bring out the complexities

of the two different foods.

This really shouldn't work, but it does.

Wunderbar!
We should serve this at Oktoberfest.

Well, maybe we can make that happen.

For the right price, of course.

[whispers] Business!

- [yelps]
- Hank, just try the food.

Try it, Sug. Once you start,
you can't stop.

If you don't want yours,
I'll eat it, Hank.

[♪ hopeful music continues]

[slow chewing]

What am I eating, Bobby?

My own special creation.

Yuzu-wurst stuffed with
rice and pickled daikon.

♪

[group chattering]

[grill sizzling]

[♪ hopeful music continues]

The men's room's down
the hall to your left,

if you wanna spit your food out, Dad.

Uh, Bobby, recent events
have made me understand

why you value historical accuracy
and authenticity.

When I was at the Bush Library,

I realized just how hard it was
to get a consensus.

And, uh, well, the consensus here

is that everyone loves the food.

And that includes me.

♪

And, if my research is correct,

propane wasn't available
in the 17th century, right?

Yeah, that's right.

So, maybe the inventors of robata
would've made that choice

if only it had been available back then.

Sure, Dad.

I'd like to make a toast to the chef.

- [♪ gentle music playing]
- To Bobby Hill.

[all] To Bobby Hill!

Hurrah, Bobby!

♪

Okay! Who's ready for
sauerkraut ice cream?

Yoshida?

I remember another time

when Bobby wrapped a slice
of baloney around a Twinkie,

blended it with some orange juice,

and made it into a smoothie.

[Bobby] Not now, Mom!

♪

[♪ "Yahoos and Triangles"
by The Refreshments playing]

- ♪ Yee-haw! ♪
- ♪ Wa-hoo! ♪

[♪ song ends]

[birds chirping]

- [golf club thumps]
- [crowd cheering]

♪

[Peggy Hill] I once saw him
dip a fruit pie into some tuna fish.

[♪ fanfare playing]