14x01 - Return of the King

[bunniefuu]

[liquid splashing]

[Hank Hill]
[sighs] Oh, God.

- [splashing continues]
- [airplane bell dings]

[over PA]
Ladies and gentlemen,

the captain has turned on
the seat belt sign.

- We are beginning our initial descent...
- [knocking]

- ...into Dallas-Fort Worth.
- Occupied!

It's been occupied since
we entered U.S. airspace.

That is my husband. He cannot help it.

He was born with a narrow urethra,
and it's only shrunk with age.

The doctors say he now has
the urethra of a seven-month-old.

Oh, no.

[Peggy Hill] Just like in that movie
Benjamin Buttons.

Well, I used to think
that it was his diet,

but he has been eating hummus
and Ful wa Tameez

and falafel since we've been living
in Gharb Al Dhahran, Saudi Arabia.

And every year, that skinny little tube
just shrinks and shrinks.

[Hank] Don't share that, Peggy!

- He does not like for me to talk about it.
- [intercom dinging]

[pilot]
Folks, this is your captain speaking.

I'm told there's a gentleman
who's been in the lavatory

- for an extraordinarily long time.
- Oh, God.

[pilot] If there are any
medical professionals on board,

maybe they could check on him.

But you need to take your seats

as we begin our descent
into Dallas-Fort Worth.

[♪ gentle guitar music playing]

[indistinct PA announcements]

Ah, Texas.

- [Hank kisses, sighs]
- [passenger] Weirdo.

Well, look at that.

They got a Bob's
in the Dallas Airport now.

Wait a second. Oh, that's Boba.

I don't-- what? Are we still in Amsterdam?

- What's happening here?
- I am calling Bobby.

Hello, Bobby. It is your mother.

We have landed,
or as I like to say, deplaned.

We won't be able to visit you in Dallas.

It was a 22-hour flight, and your father

never fully emptied his bladder.

- What the...?
- He tried squatting.

Peggy, please. He's our son, not a doctor.

Well, I don't see how this
is any easier than a taxi.

[over PA] The white zone
is for the loading and unloading

of passengers only.
There is no parking.

Uh, Muhammad for Hank Hill?

Here's my ID-- oh.

Okay.

Abb Shalab to you, Muhammad.
Abb shal al hab.

I'm sorry, sir.
I think your wife is having an attack.

She's speakin' Arabic to you.

And what do you speak, Muhammad?

Do you speak Pashtun? Farsi?

I know a few words in those as well.

No, I speak Arabic,
but perhaps another dialect.

I grew up in Saudi Arabia.

Well, we were just in Saudi Arabia.

I was the assistant manager
in charge of Arabian propane

and Arabian propane accessories
for the Aramco.

Everyone there understood
my perfect Arabic perfectly.

[engine humming, stops abruptly]

Uh, Muhammad, I think your car died.

The engine just shut off.

It's okay. It's a hybrid.

Oh, wait. Muhammad, can you pull over?

I want to get a taco to go
and use the bathroom.

One thing you don't get in the Middle East
is good Mexican food.

- [♪ mariachi music playing]
- [patrons chattering]

Uh... oh.

Huh, okay.

Is that a...?

Don't worry, they're both all-gender.

Uh-huh.

[seat belt clicks]

Are we "all-gender"?

Things have changed since we've been gone,

but I believe I am "female presenting".

Well, I don't wanna be
presenting my maleness

to any kind of woman that walks in on me.

That's how you get canceled, Peggy.

[♪ gentle guitar music playing]

- [♪ gentle guitar music playing]
- [door bell jingling]

Irasshaimase!

Willkommen! Welcome to Robota Chane,

a traditional Japanese barbecue
with a fusion of flavors

and techniques from the German traditions
of the Texas Hill country.

I'm your chef, Bobby Hill.

[♪ country hip-hop music playing]

[sausages sizzling]

[knives chopping]

Tú trabajas fuerte, Emilio!

- Me gusta mucho!
- Tú también, jefe!

[engine humming, stops abruptly]

[Hank] Muhammad, if I were you,
I'd get that idle checked.

[engine resumes humming]

[♪ gentle guitar music playing]

[Muhammad panting]

Here's my card in case
you don't want to get a car.

I don't want to get a car
because I have a truck.

Even though it's been in storage,

I got the trickle charger
and the antioxidant,

- so it should start right up.
- Well, I best get going.

- Five stars?
- I'm gonna give you a four.

That way, it gives you something

- to work towards.
- [phone dings]

[phone beeping]

[birds chirping]

[♪ guitar strums]

If you ask me,
fives should be rare in this world.

We sure are.
I do not want to be conceited,

but I have been told my whole life,
I'm a five.

It is from Brian Robertson.

"We loved our time on Rainey Street.

"You have got about four years left
in your water heater,

"and I left a pamphlet
about solar panels by the stove.

- Best, Brian."
- Solar panels?

What other religious propaganda
did they leave?

[♪ gentle guitar music playing]

[slurping]

Whoa!

- [Hank chuckles]
- Oh, man, look at that,

return of the dang ol' king, man.

Oh, wow. [chuckles]

I'm gettin' a hug. Okay, emotional.

Okay, okay, good to see you too, yeah.

And who's this studly fella?
I heard rumors.

- Your girlfriend's son, right?
- Dang ol' Luke Junior, man.

H-Hey, Deuce, say hello to
dang ol' Mr. Hank, man.

W-What? I don't-- I'm sorry.

- What do you want me to do?
- Uh, Boomhauer?

What's with the mask still?

Oh man, little kid h--
dang ol' anxiety, man.

Common in little ol' kids, man.

Lotta things gone done changed, man.

You know, like 'em old Dale, man,
or ol' Bill, man.

Oh man, you talkin' about 'em-- Whew.
Oh, that's a dang ol' shame, man.

[♪ gentle guitar music playing]

This is the perfect house
for our perfect family.

This will be our forever home.

Those are the kinds of things
the lucky couple

who buys this nearly renovated

Arlen Spanish revival

will find themselves saying.

Will that lucky couple be you?

[both] Selling Arlen.

Oh, Nancy, you and John Redcorn
are perfect cohosts.

Oh, thanks, Peggy. It was Dale's idea.

[laughing]
He's so supportive of my career,

and the fans love
our professional chemistry.

♪

And the grilled mackerel
with a side of mustard pretzel.

Right here.

Whoa. It's giving, uh, summer in Kyoto.

You make this?

This restaurant is my baby,
and all the food is inspired

by the many influences of my childhood.

- I also sweep the floors.
- Okay, flex.

Wow, you got your own restaurant
and you're only like, what, 30?

- Lower.
- Uh, 28?

- [laughing] I'm 21.
- So, like a sophomore?

Oh, I'm not gonna go to college.

- Hm.
- Oh.

- Mm.
- Uh...

Oh, that's... fine.

I guess I just never met anyone
who didn't go to college.

Well, I knew what I wanted to do,
and I'm doin' it.

So, I figured, why waste four years
of my life and all that money?

I'm good.

At least you didn't have to get lectured

about how you have
"internalized misogyny,"

like I did today.

- [glasses clinking]
- Respect.

- [laughter]
- [group] Cheers!

[indistinct chatter, laughter]

Damn, I really wanna shut down here,

but they're havin' such a good time.

You know what you should do?
Turn the thermostat down two degrees.

After a few minutes, they'll wanna leave,
and they won't even know why.

- Really?
- Yup, works every time.

Huh.

[shivers]

Maybe we should bounce.

Oh yeah.
I hear there's a kickback at Alpha Alpha.

Alpha Alpha? You might know my partner

in the restaurant, Chane Wassanasong.

Oh, sure, everyone knows Chane.
He's the president of Alpha Alpha.

I didn't know he worked anywhere, though.

[scoffs] 'Cause he doesn't.

Beta Theta is having a rager tonight.
We should go to that one.

Hey, CEO, you should come with us.

- Really?
- Yeah, let's bring the Iron Chef.

- Come on, you guys.
- [all chanting] Iron Chef, Iron Chef.

- You guys really want me to come?
- Iron Chef!

Totally. I'm going.

Come join. You're, like, really cool.

Okay. I maybe just will.

[door bell jingling]

[giggles]

[student] Iron Chef!

[♪ gentle guitar music plays]

[sighs]
This can keep until tomorrow, right?

[Bobby sighs]

[♪ light country music playing]

[people chattering]

Hey, Iron Chef! Why'd you roll in so late?

- I gotta go.
- Aw, sh**t.

Well, I had to lock up
and clean the fish off.

Well, Amber's inside.
Everyone's still vibin'.

Catch you another time.

- [people chattering]
- [♪ hip-hop music playing]

Stupid.

- Ugh.
- [Amber] Hey, sushi king.

[burgers sizzling]

Yep, a chef never knows
when he has to work his magic.

That's why I always carry my spatula
and a bottle of hot sauce...

- Whoa!
- ...in my back pocket.

Mm! [chuckles]

Well, that was super fun.

Was?

[♪ gentle guitar music playing]

[both moaning]

- [Amber yawning]
- Yes, it is late.

- [phone buzzing]
- [Hank snoring]

- [buzzing continues]
- [Peggy mutters, yawns]

Who's calling at this hour?

It's Bobby!
He works late hours at the restaurant.

Yello, honey? So glad you called.

- Perfect timing.
- [moaning on phone]

- [Amber giggling]
- Yello, Bobby?

- [Bobby moaning]
- Hello?

- [Amber] No, wait.
- It's me, hello?

Did you butt-dial me by accident?

- Can you hear me? I can't...
- [moaning continues]

- [kissing smack sounds]
- Are you eating something?

We must have a bad connection.

I can't make out what you're saying.

- Let me hang up and call back.
- [phone beeps]

[line ringing]

[Bobby] [on voicemail]
Hello, you've reached Bobby Hill.

- Please leave a message.
- [beep]

I assume this means you are too busy
with your restaurant

to speak to your mother,
who misses you and gave you life.

I guess we'll see you when we see you.

[♪ upbeat guitar music playing]

[♪ curious music playing]

What the hell?

Uh, what?

You gotta be... [scoffs]

I just had to drive five blocks,
make a left turn,

then go around two more blocks
and come back,

just to not make
an ill*gal U-turn into our alley.

This is ridiculous.

That's an extra mile of driving

anytime we come home
from anywhere to the south.

- Green, my a*s.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, you know where you do not see anyone

worried about running out of oil?

- Saudi Arabia.
- Yeah.

[birds chirping]

I've never done it
with a guy who kept his shirt on.

Yeah, [chuckling]
I know, that was a blast.

I don't remember having this much fun
since I opened the restaurant.

What are you doing this weekend?
We don't open till 5:00 on Sunday.

I know we were vibing,
but this was a one-time thing, 'kay?

Oh.

Alright, yeah, yeah.

Well, like I said, this was great.

Thank you.

[sighs]

Connie Souphanousinphone.

Bobby Hill?

Do you go here?

Nah, I'm at UT Dallas,
Johnson School of Engineering.

So, what are you doin' here?

Oh, I'm visiting a-- a friend. [chuckles]

Sorry we fell outta touch.
Kinda dropped off social media.

I did for a minute, too.

It was really doin' a number
on my self-esteem.

Then, I found out everyone uses filters.

Now, I advocate positive body image.

Hashtag, thick.

So, I hear you have your own restaurant.

You always were so creative.

Look, if you ever are in the mood

for some down-home
German-Asian fusion classics,

come by Robota Chane, okay?

I will guarantee a great experience.

I'm sure you will.

- It's really good to see you, Bobby.
- You too, Connie.

Hey, you ever hear from Joseph Gribble?

He's my roommate! He's doin' great.

Tell him hi for me,
and I'll swing by Robota Chane, for sure.

[♪ gentle guitar music playing]

Mr. Robertson.

- Didn't expect to see you here.
- Mr. Hill.

I kind of got used to hanging out
back here, I guess.

Yeah, man, dang ol' fit right in, man.

Talkin' 'bout-- 'bout the same
ol' crooked straights, man,

that ol' alley, dude.

Boy, the place was spotless. Thank you.

Did you get my note
about the water heater?

Don't leave it till the last minute.

[Bill Dauterive]
Who's that, Brian?

Who are you talking to?

- Hank Hill.
- [Bill] Oh, my.

Oh, Lord.

- Hank!
- Well, howdy, Bill.

[Bill]
Oh, it's wonderful to hear your voice.

What's goin' on? Are you in bed or--

Oh, my God.

Oh, it's been hard
with you and Peggy gone, Hank.

I-- I might have let myself go a little.

- I don't get out much anymore.
- [Brian Robertson] Much?

You haven't left that room since 2020.

Oh, no. What are you doin' in there?

Oh, a lotta streaming.

I finished Netflix, Hank. Yeah.

Did you know that when
you get to the end of Netflix,

you get something called
a "wellness check"?

We didn't get Netflix on the base.

Just Fox News and CNN.

- [Brian] CNN?
- [Bill] CN-what?

Look, when you only get
two channels in English... [sighs]

I mean, it was only during
the commercials on Fox.

Bill, you've gotta get out of the house.

[Bill] Oh, I don't know.

- [insects buzzing]
- You can order anything online now,

and they'll, you know,
throw it on the porch.

[chuckles] Or at the porch, at least.

This shouldn't be in the sun.
Some of this is cheese, Bill.

[Bill] Promise me you'll bring Peggy
to the wall hole tonight.

I miss her.

Wall hole? What's that?

[laughing] Oh, I don't know.

I forget what you out-of-housers
call them.

Oh, window, I guess. [laughing]

It's amazing what sticks with you
from the olden times.

Bill, we're gonna get you back on track,
don't you worry.

How did Dale let this happen?

I was wonderin'
when you'd get around to me.

Ugh, Dale, how long have
you been in that trash can?

[Dale screams]

I can't be too careful.

As a former government official,
I am on many nations' k*ll lists,

as well as their
do-not-accept-checks lists.

Former government official?

You are looking
at the former mayor of Arlen.

What? When did this happen?

During the "pan-dumb-ic."

[Bill] He ran and won
on a anti-mask campaign.

And when Bill says anti, I mean anti.

No masks for COVID, no masks for tear gas,

no masks for catchers.

Who voted for that nonsense?

I did.
Mayor Gribble was the devil you know.

And I was already used
to him following me home,

and his chokeholds are weak as hell.

Hey, man, I voted for him
just like a dang ol' joke, man,

just like one of them dang ol'
high school, man.

And with a field of 11 candidates
to split the vote,

I won with a simple plurality of 9%.

Well, maybe you can do somethin' about
all these got-dang no-left-turn rules

and whatever twig boy
had these floppy flex posts installed.

Ugh, it's like they wanna be a barrier

but they aren't man enough
to really go for it.

Nope, can don't.

I was only in office for 36 hours
before I figured out the scam

and denied the results of my own election.

I was an election-denier-denier.

Well, you haven't gotten any less crazy.

Uh, what's crazy is your blind faith
in one man, one vote.

Any democratic process
that would put me in office

doesn't deserve the title "fair."

Yeah, you certainly have a point there.

It also doesn't deserve the title "free."

It cost me $37 to buy
the social security number

I needed in order to run.

It used to belong to a dead 4-year-old.

Dale! [shudders]

[insects chirping]

So, is Bobby gonna stop by?

Well, he is too busy stuffing his face
at that restaurant of his.

Well, that's too bad. It's been so long.

It'd be nice to, you know,
check his tire pressure

and brake fluids for him and whatnot.

I'm sure it's been more than three months

since he checked 'em. [chuckles]

[sighs] It's so Bobby.

Hank, have things changed here
more than we thought?

Well, Dale was mayor.

That pretty much says it all. [sighs]

There's that same damn ceiling.

I stared at that old crack
before bed for 15 years, Hank.

I cannot believe I am back
staring at it again. [scoffs]

Life was really good
in Saudi Arabia, Hank.

[♪ gentle guitar music playing]

[speaking Arabic]

[Peggy] Alright, I will take that
as a sign of, of friendship

and welcome to your country.

- [speaking Arabic]
- Thank you.

Oh, will you look at these dates, Hank?

So plump. And I saved a riyal by haggling.

Good thing I picked up the language.

- And how much is a riyal?
- I have no idea.

You know, you don't have
to change for me, Peggy.

I think you look very elegant
in that modest robe.

I do so enjoy not getting
catcalled every five minutes

like back in the States.

Oh, did-- did you?

[sighs] Guess there was, uh, some of that.

[♪ majestic theme from
"Lawrence of Arabia" playing]

I tell you what, they really did
their homework here on America.

[people chattering]

This is what I imagined
things were like in the '50s.

[Peggy] Oh, Hank, come on.

Some of these things
had not even been invented yet.

Like disposable income.

Hank, did we make a mistake coming back?

It's gonna be okay, Peggy.

America is still the best
got-dang country on Earth.

We're just suffering from jet lag.

See that? We're up way past our bedtime.

[♪ gentle guitar music plays]

[caller]
We hope you will consider our offer.

Wow, converting an entire
oil tanker to propane?

That's one of the most beautiful things
I've ever heard.

[caller] It would be a two-year contract
and 30% more than you were making,

and you could come back to the same house.

Well, the thing is,
we've been lookin' forward

to bein' back home in the States.

[caller] Okay, how 'bout a bigger house
with a bowling alley?

Oh, wow.

[caller] We can give you a new wife.

She can hear you, sir.

[caller] Something else, then.
Name your price.

A boat? A bulldozer?

- [Bill grunting]
- [caller] A horse? A machine g*n?

- What do Texans like?
- [Bill] Boomhauer!

[caller] Is your wife still listening?
A beautiful new sword.

And by "sword," I mean new wife.

Ask if we can give the new wife to Bobby.

Well, it is tempting.
My wife and I will talk it over.

[caller] The new wife will never talk.

- Quiet as a mouse--
- [Hank hangs up]

[Hank] Ugh, what happened to this town?

Look at all these reflectors.
And what kind of food is poke?

You know, I'm beginning to think
that Aramco base in Saudi Arabia

was more Texan than Texas.

What happened?

Oh, no, not this.

- [thumping]
- [tires screeching]

[Peggy] Hank, please pull over.
I am getting car sick.

[brakes squeak]

Let's call the Robertsons
first thing when we get back.

Maybe they can move back in.

Okay, but first, I'm gonna go in
and buy a spanner wrench.

I don't need one, but I have to calm down.

Might as well look for a winch too.

Gonna need it to pull Bill outside.

[scooter revving]

[tires screeching]

[♪ solemn music playing]

[scout] You wanna buy some cookies?

Are they gluten-free now?

Yeah, and they are also
probably $50 a box.

And by the way, what is a Metaverse?

Is that involved here in some way?

No, Mister, we're just scouts.
And they're only five dollars.

Unless you do want gluten-free.
Those are six.

Buy a box and support our troop.

Well... [chuckles]

Look at you two. Very cute.

And what flavors do you have?

Um, Thin Mints, Trefoils, Lemonades.

Oh, how about my favorite, Samoas?

[scout] Oh, we don't have those.

Yeah, we do.
They're just called Caramel deLites now.

It's more respectful to people from Samoa.

That's a good change.

Yeah, it's nice to be nice.

[Peggy] It sure is.

- Uh-huh.
- Hm.

We'll take one of each.

Oh hey, is that the new sawzall?

Yeah! Is that a Samoa?

No, it's a Caramel deLite.

- I've been lookin' for a sawzall.
- They got 'em inside.

- You a contractor?
- Well, I'm retired.

If you want to use my contractor number,
it's an extra 20% off.

[Hank] Well that's mighty nice of you.

What kind of contracting work you do?

So, you do construction?

[burgers sizzling]

The new Vogner Char-King.

Couldn't get this baby in Saudi Arabia.

What can she do?

It comes with a touchscreen,
preset cooking profiles,

and Wi-Fi for remote
temperature monitoring.

- [Brian] Mm-hmm.
- [Dale] Whoa.

Oh damn.

Yep, they're all over there.

I shouldn't have to call technical support
to make a burger.

[♪ gentle guitar music playing]

[Bill sniffing]

- Look who's here!
- Hey, Bobby.

Come give your old man a big handshake.

It's good to see you, Dad.

Let me know when you need me to take over,

since I'm a professional now.

A professional comedian, if you think
I'm gonna let you take over for me.

Come on, what could go wrong?

- Hank!
- Hey!

Fellas, what's that smell?

Oh, I haven't smelled that
delicious whiff of propaned meat

since... well, since--
since you left, Hank.

Promise me you won't leave again!

Not unless we can take Texas with us.

[♪ gentle guitar music playing]

[can opening]

[Bill slurping]

Y'all realize he's butt-naked
under that shirt, right?

- Yep.
- Yup.

[Boomhauer] Mm-hmm.

[♪ gentle guitar music playing]

[♪ "Yahoos and Triangles"
by The Refreshments playing]

[♪ "Yahoos and Triangles"
by The Refreshments playing]

- ♪ Yee-haw! ♪
- ♪ Wa-hoo! ♪

[♪ song ends]

[birds chirping]

- [golf club thumps]
- [crowd cheering]

♪

[Hank] Ugh. Don't share that, Peggy!

[♪ fanfare playing]