05x06 - Hard Sell

[bunniefuu]

We'll return to Moby d*ck right after

these messages.

Hi, I'm Julie, and I'm here to tell you

about a very special offer. How would you

like to get paid up to $100 a day

just for talking to interesting people?

Whoa. A hundred dollars a

day. Think of all the people we could

help with that money. What?

Ohh Money, money, money!

Look at some dude's buttChange it, buddy.

Come on, see this. This song kind of

rocks. Besides, later on,

they show a dog to Naz. I'll

stick around for that.

Damn it, I'm sick of seeing water in

videos. Yeah, but this water's cool,

'cause it's like, over by the power

plant. Oh yeah, yeahRemember when we went

swimming by the power plant and it's like,

All warm and stuff. Yeah, that was cool.

No, it wasn't. Your turds were all orange

for a month, and you got those big

blisters on your nads. I know.

That's what I'm saying. It was cool.

Flies in the Vaseline?That's pretty cool.

Yeah. Remember when we put that fly in

gasoline?That

was cool. But, um, he didn't say

gasoline, but he said Vaseline. I think

that's like something different. I know

that, dumbassDamn

it, Bevis, you always ruin everything.

No, I don't. I just was saying, you know,

you talk about Vas-- Oh, look, look It's

a dog's nap! Is that what you were

talking about?Uh, yeah, I think that was

it. That was cool.

What I personally like about

telemarketing is the give and take. You

give them a call and then you take their

money. OK.

All right. Well, boys, you have the right

instinct. You see, selling magazines is

serious business. If we spend too much

time laughing on the job, well, we won't

stay #1.

Number one. Yeah.

Tingle, tingle, tingle.

Let's get on with your training. Now, the

more people we call, the more magazines

we can. Do you have any, like,

adult magazines?Yeah, yeah,

like National Geographic. You dumb

assSometimes they show boobLet's get

right down to it. Now, these are your

scripts, boys. When you call a customer,

don't try to get creative. Simply follow

what's on this card. The key is to keep

talking so the customer never has an

opportunity to say no. OK, now you tryit.

Hello. Cut

Sommer's name.

This is. Say your name.

Calling. No, stupid. Say your name.

Your name. Say butthead.

Butthead. No. When it says say your name,

you say butthead. Make up your mind,

asswipeYeah, yeahThat's complicated.

Kirk to Scotty. Kirk to Scotty. I

need more speed, bunghole

Here are your numbers. I get cracking.

He said crack.

Hello. My name is...

I'm calling to offer a special deal. Uh,

or something. Well, now you can stop

right there, fella. Whatever you're

selling, I ain't buying. Whoa, I got g*ns

and a*mo. Seventy serpent

off. g*ns and a*mo?

Well, old Bessie is running a little low

on shells. I tell you what, sign me up

for a gross. Gross.

Con crende, amigo. A gross. That's



Uh.. Um.. Uh.. Who is this?

Uh.. Your name and, uh,

I have a special deal for you

or something. It's in my

pants. You sicko!

So cool. Hello?

Um.. HelloHello

Um.. Hey, how's it going?Who's calling,

please?Oh. I don't know.

You must, like, have the wrong number or

something. Can I sign you up for

something gross?Gross.

That boy

is a natural. bouncing on his

wiener. That's a pogo stick, dumbassOh,

yeah.

Hey, that looks like that dude that comes

by to check the butane. Oh, yeah, yeahI

saw that guy in my yard once. I thought

he was a trespasser. I start sh**ting him

with my BB g*n?Shut up, Nevis! Those pigs

are doing it! Really?

That's cool!

How come that pig can score and we can't?

Well, the only reason that pig scored is

'cause he was, like, in a video. Oh,

yeah, yeahI forgot about that. Yeah.

Like, if pigs had a video, and, like,

we were in that video, then, like, we

could score. You mean like with a pig?

No, dumbassWith a chick in the video.

With a chicken?No, Beavis. I'm talking,

like, about like a human chick.

What's that?Just a regular chick.

Ohh I see.

That's pretty cool.

What's the deal with this short dude?

Is he like in the band or is he just like

some weird dude?Really?It's like all

these videos now, they like just get a

couple weird dudes and like just shake

the camera around and just like do a

bunch of crap. Yeah. They need to get

back to the basics, like chicks in

bikinis and explosions. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeahThose cars like, and they're all

driven by chicks in bikinis. With

big thingies, yeah. Yeah

Now that's what I call a buzz clip. Uh,

God evening. My name

is your name, and I'm calling

to offer you a special low,

uh,

interdictionary rate. A

what?Uh, if

you're a refrigerator walking...

These phones suck.

Son, you don't seem to be grasping the

concept here. When you get someone on the

phone, don't waste time talking about

their refrigerator. Get straight to the

point of selling magazines. Now your

friend here is our sales leader. Yeah,

yeah, that would be cool. I'm going

to put this call on speakerphone so we

can study his technique. For horny

coeds, press 1. For the big,

busty and beautiful line, press 2. To

talk to two hot women at once,

press 3. Yeah, yeahPress

me. I'm a sales leader. I'll

press you, you little perp.

That sucked. Yeah, yeahShe was about

to like. Buy lots of magazines and stuff.

Uh.. is

this cable access?...

I

think this is one of those cable access

shows where you, like, call 'em up and

they, like, do anything you want. No

wait, really?Let's call her up!

Yeah. Let's tell her to, like,

shut up and, like... Take all her clothes

off and get over here right now?Yeah,

yeah, yeahYou have sex or something to

eat?Yeah. That would roll.

You can tell this is like the kind of

chick that's, like, had her tubes tied.

Boy, come. How come you know this chick's

had her tubes tied?Just look at her,

Beavis.

Oh, yeah. I think I'm

gonna go tie my tube. Shut

up, Beavis.

Boy, this music sucks. Um, what

music?Oh, oh yeah, like, um.. What

is this?Two of farts crap?You

know, like when you're playing poker?Oh

yeah. I'm familiar with that

game. Can I see this chick?There's a

full house in my pants. Oh yeah. I

have a straight.

Those squares remind me of that really

stupid game that all those dorks play.

Um, chess. Oh, yeah.

Doesn't even have anything to do with

boobsYeah, really. Pinks and stones may

break some bones, but a 357 doesn't

put them in loss. Hey, buddy, what is a



that's like when someone turns all the

way around in a circle, like when they're

slam dunking or something. I'll be

damned. I'll be

damned. If

I was a clown, I'd make it so like my

head would explode when you pull my

finger and all this crap would fly out of

my head and like land on people and

stuff. Yeah, if I was a clown.

And I'd go to parties, and like eat all

the cake, and like take stuff home with

me. That's what you do at parties

anyways, Beavis. Yeah, but I'd be a

clown, you knowSo like, I'd have all

these big shoes and stuff. Yeah, it'd be

different. If I was a clown, I'd kick

your a*s Beavis. Till it's beet

red. I'd say, Look at his

butt And I'd like say, Thanks for

coming to the show. Hope you had a good

time. See you next time. Yeah, Yeah that

would beCool. Yeah, yeahWell, we'd have

to work out the timing and everything.