01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

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glorious

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day

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glorious

day

glory

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heat heat

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first thing to do is know the rules I

think does anyone know the rules

this company is in crisis revenues are

down 150% we're going to have to

downsize that would be a public

relations disaster we need a solution

and we need it now well why don't we ask

Gary he's the ideas man

to stop your garbage giving off nasty

odors why not seal food scraps inside

old coffee

cans you'll be glad you did

brilliant everybody got that

[Applause]

come hey there he is the funny guy the

hot new standup mike michael hey take a

seat huh hey I got to tell you that show

you did Tuesday night hilarious thanks

yeah but I uh I got a question for you

it's a question I ask all of my new

clients and that question is

this who are

you what is it makes you so special oh

um well I think it's my material yeah

sure that's important but what I'm

saying to you is that this is a crowded

little pond you know you got to have

something else right something that

makes you stand out sure well the um the

standup I do it's observational but it's

also political yeah yeah that's not it

okay let's have a think here all right

let's uh think outside the box for a

second huh

what kind of p*nis you got

what well I don't know does it uh does

it have an unusual shape or is it uh No

well you do got a p*nis right

wait a second that's it i got it

put your p*nis on that what quit whining

put your p*nis on the slab i'm going to

make you a star what are you talking

about hey

listen how many comedians in this town

got a p*nis huh hundreds

thousands how many no p*nis comedians

are that none zero until now hey yeah

you could call yourself Freddy no p*nis

my name's Michael hey are we here to

split hairs or we here to cut p*nis huh

no one's cutting off my p*nis

what the hell's the matter with you you

want to be a star don't you hey take a

look at this guy know who that is

hi Speaks the one-legged unicyclist it

was me who took off his leg on this

berry slab and overnight he's a star

hell you think Stevie Wonder was always

blind not until I took his eyes out with

this berry pencil steven Hawking steven

Hawking you think anyone gave a rat's

a*s about the Big Bang till he spent 5

minutes with me and this golf club but

motorbikes aren't disabled oh yeah name

what seinfeld

jerry Seinfeld

jerry Seinfeld has a tin head

you're insane if I was insane I'd be on

the stage audiences love that triumph

over

adversity so what do you say

kid that p*nis ain't going to cut itself

no yeah yeah wait a second wait a

second how about I just take my 10% off

the

top

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help my leg help someone don't worry

someone will be here soon help help

please it's all right i'm a doctor don't

worry can you hear me all right take it

easy what's your name steve okay Steve

does this hurt ah yes how many fingers

am I holding up three good what year is

it uh 2005 but my leg in what year did

Wham have a number one hit with Wake Me

Up Before You Go Go

what i need to know Steve in what year

did the pop group Wham have a number one

hit with the song Wake Me Up Before You

Go Go what are you doing you in what

year did Wham i don't know 1984 good

steve what is the capital of Canada

please my leg try and stay focused Steve

the capital of Canada ottawa is your

name Steve just help him for God's sake

which planet is the sixth furthest from

the sun my leg is not a planet all right

jupiter

i'm sorry Steve

jupiter was the wrong answer

wait you can't just leave him you're a

doctor don't worry i've got a phone i'll

I'll call for

help hello yeah

911 which planet is sick furthest from

the sun

can't use that cheese that cheese has

been tainted i think this cheese has

been taken by the desert there's one

thing I I won't use and that's tainted

cheese tainted cheese you root it to the

main cavity it's the only way to save it

i can't a hit of adrenaline to the left

ventricle you're losing him quickly we

don't have much time it won't work i

don't know what to do now when buying

toilet paper always get one more than

you need that way you'll always have a

spare in case of an emergency what

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actually that's um it's quite a good

idea

[Applause]

that's it that's the answer what

impossible look we started with a point

that we can calculate f as an integer of

a over b right well if that's true then

ab squ gives us a new figure uh g which

we can then feed back into our original

equation plot the points on the graph

and there's the answer

it's beautiful and it'll work for

anything from the the tiniest proton to

the furthest star all you have to do is

plot the points on the graph

you know what this means don't you

means it means it means we can't see

each other anymore

but Glenn don't jack we both knew this

would happen eventually i just hoped it

wouldn't be so soon but Glenn I love you

how can you speak of love if g is a b^2

over f ^ x there can be no love not for

us not anymore but we said we'd always

stand together you're a mathematician

for Christ's sake Jack

we both know two into one doesn't go but

you're more than just my colleague

you're And what

you're a very beautiful man

where's your proof in here that's not

science Jack oh fine there look no one

need ever know but we'll know we can't

just pretend that FX isn't the square

root of AB face it Jack i'm out of the

equation but I need you Glenn i There's

no I E= MC² only an M an E and a C and

what does that spell make i know nothing

it spells nothing and that's what we

have between us now Jack

nothing ah good evening

gentlemen oh I hope I'm not interrupting

anything i trust you've both had a

productive

afternoon professor French has made

something of a breakthrough oh

really no no i um I thought I had but I

was wrong i'd check that again if I were

you

professor

Friend Glenn thinks I have the

answer he's not coming

back

ever

ever a great loss to the

institute i knew he'd fall for it god I

love you

i tried the low-fat diet the low carb no

carb Atkins high fiber slim fast but

it's no good i just can't stop

masturbating

all right boys

right things have gone real pear shape

jimmy took a two bob on the coconut and

now he's pork side up servy Vince we're

all jammed up like a rosy tart yeah

we're in the right odd tou this i want

you to get Johnny to grease the pearlies

sweet i'll squeeze the magpie till he

coughs up the flim flicky bones get me a

dolly from the teapot i'm going for a

Bernie right you heard the governor

let's go

[Laughter]

what are we doing well don't look at me

i was going to follow you well I always

just follow him so did no one understand

what he said well well you said all that

stuff about magpies well I always do

that i just talk about birds and he

seems to know what I'm

saying all right look let's start from

the basics and work it out we're

gangsters right are we of course what

things is all about well I thought we

were just like friends who hung out

together and stuff i thought we were

firemen

but I've shot three people why that's

what you're supposed to do isn't it so

what we're like criminals vince one of

the toughest gangsters in the East End

oh bloody hell is he what a Jimmy Ready

You nut sack still doing here

we were just having a quick uh four

penny

jig what uh we were just hopping a raven

in the

turkeyy's duck

all right sweet

what are we going to do what are we

going to do

oh hello darling yes I'm just here with

the lads now I still can't understand a

word they're

saying no it's quiet here as usual

haven't had a call in ages oh spoke to

you soon bye

all right this quaint neck

monkey i knew it

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[Applause]

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right i don't even want

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that i want you to talk to me say

anything

used corks make excellent floats for

kids fishing rods just make sure it's

you drinking the wine what and why not

try nipple claps

good idea

[Applause]

well Greg you're clearly an eligible

candidate for an internship here at St

john's have you given any thought to

what kind of medicine you might wish to

specialize in right well um I haven't

made any final decisions as yet but I

was thinking maybe neurology or

pediatrics have you considered plastic

surgery only as a last resort

shame because you are

very very

ugly uh no no but but seriously I wasn't

considering plastic surgery no then how

do you expect to get a girlfriend um oh

that's all right i've already got one

thanks i'm not interested in your sex

life Mr this girl no no no of course not

though I am interested in your

girlfriends

oh oh oh right well um well she's

waiting next door with her legs in the

stirrups is she unwell

no no i I I was I was joking good then

you can send her up to my room in 1

hour oh right

[Laughter]

here's that coffee thank you Bruce uh

this is Greg oh how you getting along um

fine could I could I get a tea two

sugars please thanks

this is Dr fowler one of our chief

surgeons oh God i'm sorry i I thought

you weren't his secretary

don't worry i am really

[Laughter]

very funny dr fowler dr pa what so he

was Look look I'm sorry i know this

isn't going very well don't worry Greg

it's not up to me to accept you anyway

it's up to Dr hansen

but you're Dr hansen no I'm Dr barnes dr

hansen's office is next door i was

wondering how long it would take you to

notice look I can't

just my little joke

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[Laughter]

[Laughter]

ah Dr hansen what yes hello Dr barnes

you haven't seen one of my interviewees

floating around have you oh hello you

must be Greg yes yes so why don't you go

through and I'll be with you in 5

minutes

so how was he all right I

suppose no sense of humor

[Laughter]

well I love horseback riding holidays to

the Caribbean what kind of painting oh

and I'm a very enthusiastic

r*cist does he

laugh looks a bit like a I don't know

it's just a bit of a Yeah a bit of a

That's great i don't even get I don't

get really articulate

right then Mr peterson as you know once

you've entered the government's witness

protection program you'll not be allowed

to leave you must sever all contact with

friends family i understand

good then all that remains for us to do

is to give you your new identity baker

in here you'll find all your personal

details your new name occupation place

of residence and so forth thank

you john Carrick 29 Acacia

Road two children 6 foot three

mustache works for the Secret Service in

the witness protection

division this is

you now uh you'll need these they're the

keys to my sorry your car uh oh and um I

drew up a list of things you need to do

uh you need to pick Sebastian up from

school at 3:30 um Oh and you promised

your wife you'd paint the spare room

this weekend my wife yeah and you better

just do it otherwise she'll go on and on

and on until you want to rip your own

head off just to stop the noise

anyway good luck no wait wait i can't be

you but why not well because you're you

ha not anymore

i'm Julio Dominguez traveling yachtsman

and international playboy hasted away

goggio

look look what's going on oh and don't

forget you've uh got your vasectomy on

Tuesday morning my vase no no look look

sorry no I've changed my mind i want to

withdraw from the program good day i'm

afraid it doesn't work like that what do

you mean well you've signed the forms

and besides we've already given your

current identity to someone else what

who mr

chen meet Mr chair you'll be taking over

your identity from now on very pleased

to meet you i can't wait to meet Mrs

peterson she's

hot what goodbye Mr peterson look do we

have a deal no no look I'm not going to

be you you've got to have something else

well we do have one other identity

available no wife no kids no vasectomy

no single lives by the beach fine I'll

take it excellent let's have a look at

this then

andrew Keating 43 Ocean

Way lifeguard and part-time

photographer single drives an Aston

Martin wanted in connection with three

murders and an as*ault hey hold it right

there Katy we've been looking for you

for a long time

[Applause]

secret stash means completely entirely

uncensored

find out what you're missing saturday at

1:00 a.m Jamie Fox heads up a night of

wild standup comedy in Jamie Fox's Laugh

Palooa part of comedy central secret

stash you're welcome what the hell is

that speak boom jim Allen Renee Russo

Johnny Knoxville and Miami's most

incompetent are trying to save their

city was that a goat and for Miami that

means big trouble