01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

i take my women like I take my coffee

from

[Laughter]

behind heat heat

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

is that supposed to be a

wizard come in

mr

fitch do you sit down thank you

so I understand you wish to join my

expedition to the North Pole that's

correct you should know that we shall be

hiking to the pole without dogs and on

foot a feat which has only been

attempted once before i understand that

previous party failed to reach the pole

itself and only one man returned home

alive now was there anything you wish to

ask me uh yes my wife was wondering

whether there will be a vegetarian

option made available on this trip

i'm sorry well the only reason I ask is

that when we climb Mount Everest last

summer I did forget to inquire in

advance and well let's just say the wife

did give me a bit of an airfall

everest

mr fitch Everest is the highest mountain

on Earth oh but it's a smashing place

it's so hard to find resorts which cater

to

children i bought some photos actually

uh that's me and Sandra at the summit

lovely view uh this is us the previous

summer when we took grandma trekking

across the Sahara and this is us on the

frozen tundra of

Siberia this is impossible these these

trips take months of training years of

preparation the last time I went to the

Arctic I left four of my toes behind

well we had a lovely time when we went

what yeah the weather's not brilliant

but it won't spoil your holiday if you

don't let it don't shut up i've spent my

whole life planning for this mission and

here you are some little w*nk*r who's

been to places I've only seen in my

dreams

what a lot of it's getting the right

travel agent if you book an advice

enough i quit you lead the expedition

oh come on it'll be

fun i'll bring Boggle

i'm leaving

[Laughter]

[Music]

[Music]

and with that our brave leader vanished

we were lost abandoned in an alien

landscape i set us a new course and we

headed off into the unknown o watch it

[Music]

so um then I was there for about three

years and then I moved to the job I'm at

now and I've been there for about um 6

months

or Oh sorry oh I'm so sorry i know this

is our first date i must be boring you

to tears no no no no no please it's just

I don't know i've not had a lot of luck

with men they always seem to leave me

pretty girl like you why i don't know

maybe I'm too clingy it's just whenever

I start getting close to somebody that's

it he's off that's terrible i know

because it makes you feel you can never

really open up to someone because as

soon as you do

change partners please

hurry hurry

hi I'm Richard mary

mary no what richard Young we were at

school together oh my god how are you

you look fantastic thanks you know you

probably don't know this but I always

had a massive crush on you back then

really i always liked you too i just

never had the courage to say anything

wow you know I never thought I'd get the

chance to tell you that me neither

listen why don't we get out of here and

go for a drink

oh Richard I think that that would

change partners please no Richard

richard

[Applause]

[Laughter]

[Applause]

wait

[Laughter]

listen I know we don't have much time

and I know we've only just met and I

don't want you to be scared of me you

know it's just I have this thing where I

scare men away but I'm not really like

that you see I'm nice and I'm kind and I

just want someone who I can open up to

and won't be afraid when I do do you

understand because as soon as I start

getting close to somebody they run away

or they disappear and it's not that

they're needy or clingy it's just I want

to be able to share my emotions you know

and I think that we you and I we've

established a connection here haven't we

and I think if we gave this a chance

this could be something really special

because I don't think I felt like this

about anyone before and I think that

maybe I love you and maybe you could

love me too if you just gave it a chance

to get to know me

and that's the end of our session

[Music]

sorry could I

yes

can I ask you something

yes

do you know the name of that red head

over there

no no I don't no

[Applause]

see you next week Mary

[Applause]

destroy a way to smuggle yourself into a

woman smuggle your pub there's nohere

apply it's a bit cooler than a pair of

pants

[Music]

july 16th since losing our leader we had

faced increasingly hostile

terrain dispirited weary and at the end

of our supplies we were forced to pitch

camp it was at this point that Harris

made the ultimate sacrifice

[Music]

[Music]

the loss of Captain Harris was a

terrible blow but he would not soon be

forgotten

[Music]

[Applause]

sorry got no

ID no no no no

jeans sorry mate can't come in wearing

sneakers oh don't make me laugh

[Applause]

basically I'm just been a bit depressed

you know um and it's affecting my work

it's affecting my marriage and I don't

know i just feel

helpless okay thank you John i

understand that can't have been

easy i'm going to begin now with an

initial observation now I don't want you

to overreact but there was one thing

that just runs right through everything

that you've said to me today

i think you're Scottish

i'm sorry were you aware of that at

all of what

oh John you're one of the most Scottish

people I've ever seen

yeah I am Scottish

thank you John admitting you have a

problem is the first step although I

want to make one thing clear the very

best that we can hope for is that you

don't become more Scottish

more Scottish no no John more Scottish

i don't see what that has to do with

what I was just saying i hope you don't

mind John but I've been recording this

conversation we've been having here

today i'd like to play you back a little

of what you were saying to me earlier on

[Music]

that wasn't me yes it was John no it

wasn't me the tape recorder doesn't lie

John only people lie scottish

people you didn't even turn it on yes I

did no you didn't i'm sorry i said "No

you didn't." Okay do you want to know

what I just heard you say to me no you

didn't

that's what I heard you say to me what

are you talking about okay do you want

to know what I got right there what are

you talking about this is crazy stop it

one of those

John Stop it

i want to help you

John maybe you'd like a tea or a

coffee have a coffee

coffee scottish

john look

tea could we have two teas please well I

think we've made some really valid

progress here today you know John I'm

not a miracle worker but I think we can

afford to be optimistic

[Laughter]

but but he was No John

no he wasn't

[Music]

[Music]

what do you think about that i think

that hurt quite a lot

july 20th we were on our last

legs we would never have made it through

the night if it hadn't been for the

chance encounter that saved our lives

the discovery of a new tribe

[Music]

we were wary at first but the natives

soon turned out to be extremely

[Music]

friendly their primitive rituals stirred

something deep within our souls

we'd found safety but more importantly

we'd found a new and better way of

life okay Paulie you're going to come in

with me we're going to go through the

lobby into the back room and we're going

to make the manager open the safe sure

thing boss big Frankie you're on crowd

control and Benny is going to knock out

the alarm system hey where is Benny i

ain't seen him in like three days there

he is now hey Benny get in here

[Laughter]

how you doing

hello Vido Jinka and Pauly Manusco and

Big Frankie also known as Vinnie the

Fink what's with all the yelling her

we're right here oh

sorry i have a cold baby come and have a

drink huh oh no you know sorry uh I

prefer to stand uh over here uh by the

window woo sure is high up here on the

12th

floor benny sit down huh let's play a

little poker sure real poker why not

that's a good idea

so uh Big Frankie what about you and

that broad from Tony's place huh well

I'm going to tell you a little something

about that man wasn't it funny that time

you k*lled Tommy DeMarco

what are you talking about um oh you

know I just think it'd be kind of fun to

talk about all those people you k*lled

uh I like that time you whacked Jimmy

the Cat

jimmy the who

jimmy the Oh Jimmy the Hat jimmy had

that sorry sorry

don't mention that name in here that bum

sleeps with the fishes uh sleeps with

the fishes right yes um now I have often

wondered what do we mean when we say

that exactly it means he bought the big

canolia you swallowed his last meatball

[Laughter]

yeah no but uh medically speaking hey

Benny where you been the last few days

huh oh you know I've uh I've been

um Oh I've been Oh I don't recall give

me a second i've been Where have I been

i've been uh Give me a second it'll come

to me where have I been my memory is not

the What i've been uh I've

been at

home with my mother benny what is it

that you're doing what this is yoga

thank you hey uh Veto I should go meet

Chrissy the meeting is a joint oh no

wait wait wait don't leave don't leave

don't leave don't leave don't leave um

hey hey hey hey i know what we should do

you know what we should do we should

just go out and just uh just buy a load

of heroin huh you know that'd be pretty

cool or or we could do a little tax

evasion benny shut up

you're getting on my nerves yeah Benny

just go home and lie low tell the

rendevous at the warehouse what did you

say until the rendevous at the warehouse

i told you the rendevo was at the pier

how do you know it was at the warehouse

uh uh because I son of a [ __ ] he's

wearing a wire frankie get the car how

come you changed it to the warehouse you

trying to set us up

you're wearing a wire what's this you're

wearing a wire too so what we're all

wearing wires wire i ain't wearing the

wire the cops should be playing this

berscus well you know what I'm going to

do i'll tell you what I'm going to Wait

a minute

[Laughter]

[Applause]

well folks it's now that time in the

evening when I can reveal that this

week's American president discovered

during the act of sodomy is Abraham

[Music]

Lincoln so congratulations to all of you

who had him on your cards

[Applause]

i didn't mean to

oh is that yours determined to get this

right you're supposed to be able to

fight shut up

give it back no give it back good

morning class good morning Mard

right mrs piper's not well today so

you've got a substitute teacher this is

Mr hickman and I want you to be all on

your very best behavior for him okay

thanks

so how you all doing it's good to be

here i was at St john's Elementary last

week talk about a bunch of

stiffs so where you from

southampton southampton whoa hey I'm not

saying the chicks there are ugly but

when I blew my dog whistle a 10k my

runin woof woof

so what do you do i'm in school whoa hey

we got a student i thought I could smell

pot

i'm just kidding so what do you study

spelling spelling spelling oh hey anyone

know how to spell fun p R O S T I T

U prost*tute heyo

oh

hey cute couple hey do you fight me and

my ex-wife we used to fight all the time

the only time that stopped yelling was

to order a new credit card am I right

may I go to the bathroom whoa may I the

last woman to say may I to me was your

mother oh hey by the way on the subject

of women here's a bit of advice yeah

never go to bed with a woman who sleeps

in the same room as her dog cuz when the

lights go out you never know who's

licking you sorry to interrupt

everything all right yeah yeah yeah

great crowd great crowd well if you

could just make it 2 till 4 till four no

sorry i'm all done type five and I'm out

hey one final word of advice don't drink

and drive you'll spill your beer

thanks very much you've been

great well unfortunately Mr hickman has

had to leave us so I will take you for

the rest of the day

now who here loves big

[Applause]

sorry hey there why the black bar

because at this very moment there's

someone out there who thinks I'm someone

that I'm not you better watch where I'm

going cuz I can't because I trick people

no I helped smart people and it gave me

anything I wanted for free you should

see me without the bar some people might

say that's wrong some people don't know

that it got me my own show on Comedy

Central

con all new Wednesday at 10:30 only on

Comedy Central it's not ill*gal it's

just damn close i'm going to need you to

please remove the black