01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

oh

god I thought it was casual Friday

please don't hurt yourself in fact do

hurt yourself don't hurt anyone else

antiques of this quality are quite rare

these days and I must say this one is in

excellent condition do you mind if I

open it up not at all

well it's got a lot of

character but obviously these aren't

genuine i'm afraid it really isn't worth

much unless you had the whole set of

course oh

I say

roy morning

roy how many adult magazines have you

overseen the launch of this year um 18 I

think and how are they performing well

I've not actually seen the figures well

I have roy

could you just read the title

stamp licking [ __ ]

and how many of these have we sold

um four four

copies how about this

[ __ ] who miss parts like magazine roy I

gave you a free hand this year to

publish what you like do you want to

tell me what the hell's been going on

what do you mean what do I mean uh

beekeeping [ __ ]

uh old men in

sandals girls gone ballooning that has a

great cover it doesn't matter Roy cuz no

one's going to buy it i mean look at

this rump a great title open it up girls

who can name every segment of the cow

they're very hard to find of course they

are cuz nobody cares and this film you

made who's going to watch girls who love

girls who love dandy the industry's

changing we've got to go for the niche

market roy I'm sorry you're fired get

out what who is responsible for this he

is

roy this is

brilliant what old men in sandals we've

been waiting years for a flagship title

like this well you can't be serious

m sandals

what sir I'm making you a vice president

you can't do this get out board you're

yesterday's porn congratulations thank

you sir

old

men oh wait you should take

this pink slip let me guess girls who

love guys who've been fired

no it's just a bunch of muff shots

what's the status picture still down sir

but they're ready to commence moonwalk

on your orders come in Eagle One this is

mission control granting permission to

commence moonwalk

copy mission control commencing

moonwalk i'm climbing down now one final

step and yes I am on the moon

yeah all right so how's it look up there

Captain Kobe oh boy it sure is beautiful

sir i can't believe it how about Price

Mallister yes sir i'm stepping out onto

the moon right now this is the greatest

moment of my life

so are we seriously not going to land on

the moon we never land man it's

dangerous down there yeah we just cut

the picture circle it a couple of times

come back and we're all freaking heroes

lieutenant Mallister

uh yeah i'm on the moon too it's

freaking awesome

captain Price what can you see i I can

see an inhospitable surface pockm

marmarked with craters the crust is very

thick

if I may sir I'd like to dedicate this

historic moonwalk to my grandfather Mike

Hawk

of course Captain mike Hawk is now part

of American history

yeah yeah and uh and I can see an alien

lieutenant could you repeat that yeah

it's small and it's gray and it's

shaking Kobe's hand

captain Kobe

captain Kobe

oh my god the alien's eating Kobe

what the hell is happening up there um

it's the alien sir i think it's trying

to communicate well let me speak to it

greetings Earth Wings prepare to die the

aliens are attacking defcon 1 abandon

mission and detonate lunar module i'm

sir you can't i'm sorry Captain we have

no choice wait wait there is no alien it

was a mistake they've been brainwashed

sir classic alien technique no it's

Colby i'm alive we were just moving

around damn it they've taken over Col's

body destroy the craft

a

sir how are we going to explain this to

the press

ah don't worry about it

we'll just say they got

lost i am so

ripped last five strike i think you just

k*lled a pig other elegant upholstery

offsets the leather on the lower section

wonderfully don't you think trouble is

it's very difficult to value without a

stamp or a maker's mark do you mind if I

take a look inside of course not

oh yes this is definitely genuine

hardly recognize anyone do you no no one

i can't believe it's been 10 years hang

on isn't that Peter White what the kid

who got left behind on the history trip

no no that was uh that was Blake Gandon

who was Blake Gandon you remember Lanky

kid we used to throw chewing gum in his

hair no that was Harry Bowls oh the one

who used to get put in detention by Mr

jackson oh Mr armstrong mr milford

so who was Blake Gandon then you

remember he could pee over 10 ft no no

no that was Tony Harris yes I'm Tony

Harris

really thought you were Barney Risdale

you sat next to me in biology for 3

years i didn't do biology what you mean

you're not Tim Parnell no he's Tim

Parnell no I'm Gary Parks what what

parksy the kid who got expelled that's

right because Mike Dixon planted that

dope in your bag i'm Mike Dixon you You

b*stard

or was that Henry Clark

oh um who was Henry Clark again didn't

he shag Sarah Lucas did he yeah but I

popped her cherry lawyer gary did how do

you know that i was Sarah Lucas what you

can't be Sarah Lucas well how else would

I know that you've only got one testicle

i haven't got one testicle well then you

can't be Mike Dixon of course I am i

used to play tennis with Gary the whole

time no you must be thinking of someone

else no I'm not no I didn't play tennis

i used to go go-karting with Tony that's

right you were there when he lost his

hand but he hasn't lost his hand

all right I admit it i'm not Tony

why' you say you were then well I don't

know he sounded cool and he could pee

over 10 ft

so who are you then kevin

Deacon well there wasn't a Kevin Deacon

at our school i didn't go to your school

i'm just here with my wife Cleo Jacobs

that's not Cleo Jacobs that's Flat Fay

Baxter

the lying [ __ ]

you know a lot of guys aren't

comfortable in the kitchen they say it's

not masculine that real men don't cook

well that's crap all men should know how

to cook and I'll tell you what else the

ladies love it as a matter of fact

there's only one thing I enjoy more than

making a good

risotto and that's sucking a

guy's tape is

rolling interview begins

1420 all right and Mr murphy perhaps you

could start by telling us about your

connection to Reflections nightclub i

didn't have any connection to it

funny cuz according to this

form you one of the directors for the

benefit of the tape I am now showing the

suspect exhibit A19 an application for a

mortgage on the aforementioned property

i've never seen that before in my life

really well maybe they made a mistake

hey perhaps instead you could tell me

about the receipts that were found in

your jacket pocket earlier today for the

benefit of the tape I am now showing the

suspect exhibits A 20 through 27

receipts for expenses totaling

£2,496 well

what that's a plant mr murphy you're

alleging these receipts were planted in

your jacket pocket where do you see car

all right let's move on tell me do you

recognize this man

for the benefit of the tape the suspect

has identified Martin Bright of 44 West

Road currently in custody are you

telling me you don't know this man now i

know of him i've seen him but that's

perfectly Mr murphy let's move on so

when you met Martin Bright what did you

two talk about look I have never met

Martin Black never even heard of anyone

called did you just pause that are you

refusing to answer Mr murphy not six

witnesses can prove what I was that

night suspect refuses to answer oh dear

oh dear not going very well is it you've

got nothing mr murphy

sit

down now I can tell you're a very busy

man i'll cut straight to the chase yeah

now I've got one very very simple

question for you Mr

murphy did you burn down the

nightclub

yes thank you Mr murphy that's what we

need interview ends 1426 this is a setup

interviews over take Mr murphy back to

his cell would you

Carter uh

go there's no tape in here

right no look sorry i've had enough mr

murphy calm down no I'm not going to

calm down give us the g*n back Murphy

what suspect is armed and becoming

desperate give me my g*n back look look

what mr murphy don't do it you got your

whole life ahead of you

what a waste

lunch

well this is a magnificent piece it must

be a great source of pleasure how did

you come by it i inherited it from my

father actually oh really was he a

collector oh yeah he had dozens well the

symmetry is perfect nice lines

here but I have a sneaking

suspicion yes it's a fake

so of all the new species I discovered

on my expedition the green banded

caterpillar was without a doubt the most

exciting

find thank you Dr qua

i'd now like to hand over to the second

recipient of the 2 million pound Darwin

Award who will tell us all about his

discoveries over the past year Dr

bartra thank

you well I began my expedition in Borneo

where I was lucky enough to discover a

number of new species the first of which

I discovered deep in the rainforest

this

fascinating Indonesian tree frog spends

most of its time in the jungle canopy

sometimes hundreds of feet above the

ground i have named it Frogger Nova

uh yes i can't help but notice its

similarity to the common toad uh yes

well observed the frogenova actually

disguises itself as the common toad in

order to avoid detection

by

scientists uh moving on uh I discovered

the next species after a painstaking

search through the deserts of Mongolia

the wolfus Maximus is a savage predator

hunting alone and eating mice

and

and horses

that's just a dog ah granted it may look

like a normal dog but there is one key

difference what's that

it can talk

yes in five

languages dr bartum we gave you £2

million did you even go to Mongolia

yes of course I did

who's that as you can see this hair

is wait

that's my wife

dr

bartum all right I admitted I didn't

really go to public the bird it's a

golden peewit

what but they're extinct the last

recorded sighting was over a hundred

years ago this is the most exciting

discovery I've ever seen quickly we must

inform the press nobody he hasn't

discovered anything well darling Dr

bathroom you can ensure that your grant

will be doubled next

year a golden

pew you lucky

b*stard well it's a good thing I didn't

show them the next one

what's this

you roll

good afternoon do you stock such a thing

as a vagger

a what a vag badger it's a medium-sized

mammal which nests inside women's front

bottoms weaving itself an elaborate

protective canopy out of muff hair

no sorry mate this is a shoe shop a shoe

shop yes h how about a pooh rooster

you've never heard of it no felt sto

sorry mate all we've got here are shoes

I'm afraid knob weasels no no quim fells

no we just sell shoes are you saying you

don't have so much as an a**l lemming

knocking about down there no this is a

shoe shop you know shoes are you trying

to tell me you don't have so much as one

genally inclined mammal of a small furry

nature not even a solitary muff darling

listen are you stupid or what it's a

shoe shop like we just sell shoes good

afternoon do you stock such a thing as a

vagger

what a vagger it's a medium-sized mammal

which nests inside women's front bottoms

weaving itself in elaborate protective

canopy out of muff hair no sorry mate

this is a shoe shop a shoe shop

afternoon do you stock

never heard of it

not weasels no this is a shoe shop

that's right are you saying you don't

have nothing about it no f no this is a

shoe shop you know we just sell shoes

good afternoon do you stalk such a thing

as a veg badger what a veg badger it's a

mediumiz m

which is the shoe shop right we just

sell

shoes

about such thing as a badge never heard

of it

a**l sell shoes vadger poo rooster bob

weasel analming no we just sell shoes

vag badger poo rooster sting weasel

analming no we just sell shoes it means

itself a protective canopy lots of muff

hair

analming no we just sell shoes it means

itself a protective canopy

we

a**l weaves itself a protective canopy

itaves

itself

analing

analing

analing no we just sell shoes it means

itself

analing no we just sell shoes

happy no

no we just sell shoes

who are the hollow men start from the

basics and work it out they're nudists

butchers your eccentric neighbors and

your co-workers i thought it was casual

Friday four guys multiple personalities

the Hollow Men new episode next Thursday

at 10:30 on Comedy Central last fall

Comedy Central received a VHS from a

person named Skyler Stone the tapes

content was so blatantly disrespectful

of authority and ethical standards we

were left with only one choice give the

guy his own show con premiering April

6th on Comedy