03x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

[GENTLE MUSIC] ♪ Beautiful dreamer ♪

♪ Wake unto me ♪

♪ Starlight and dewdrops
are waiting for thee ♪

♪ Sounds of the rude world ♪

♪ Heard in the day ♪

♪ Lulled by the moonlight
have all passed away ♪

- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
- ♪ Beautiful dreamer, queen of my song ♪

♪ List while I woo
thee with soft melody ♪

♪ Gone are the cares
of life's busy throng ♪

♪ Beautiful dreamer, awake unto me ♪

- [GENTLE MUSIC]
- ♪ Beautiful dreamer out on the sea ♪

♪ Mermaids are chanting
the wild Lorelei ♪

- [HEAVY DRUMBEAT]
- ♪ Over the streamlet vapours are borne ♪

♪ Waiting to fade at
the bright coming morn ♪

- [ROCK MUSIC]
- ♪ Beautiful dreamer, beam on my heart ♪

♪ Even as the morn on
the streamlet and sea ♪

♪ Then all the clouds of sorrow depart ♪

♪ Beautiful dreamer, awake unto me ♪

- [GENTLE MUSIC]
- ♪ Beautiful dreamer, awake unto me. ♪

[BLENDER WHIRS]

Dad, you look especially old today.

Thanks, Soph. Sleep is an old
friend I've lost touch with.

Barack Obama ran the free world

and he only sleeps five,
five, hours a night, Greg.

Comparing me to Barack
Obama is not helping.

OK, she's getting used to sleeping
in her room without Sophie.

It is just a phase.

It's easy for you to say. I'm
doing all the heavy lifting.

Well, I'm working. I need my sleep.

And parenting doesn't require rest?

- You can nap during the day.
- I'm not a baby. I don't nap.

Well, not today anyway.

I have to organise school
prizes for the trivia night.

You didn't have to challenge
Luna to a prize-off.

Oh, my God.

She has just locked in a
deluxe car service at Automoto!

I know, Em. I have eyes. I can see.

That is her third prize this morning.

I will do better.

I just need you to entertain
Chloe and keep her awake.

She really needs to sleep tonight.

- Absolutely.
- Thank you.

- As soon as I get home from work.
- What?

- You ready, Soph?
- Work? It's Saturday.

Oh, it's great working
Saturdays. I get time and a half.

Do you get time and a half?

Greg, I have my big
pitch for Audrey today.

Oh, come on.

I have been excited about this all week.

Next time you see me, I will be
brandishing my second book deal.

And girls, what do I always say?

Never stop dreaming.

Sure. I will have champagne
ready for the big celebration.

I hate this chair!

- Good luck.
- Later.

Take off those sunglasses.
You look ridiculous.

You look ridiculous without sunglasses.

Oh, my God.

What?

Uh, yes. Simon. Greg Butler.
Yeah, my kids go to the...

Yeah. Oh, you've heard the podcast?

Excellent.

Feel free to give it five
stars on the old podcast page.

Anyway, mate, while I've got you here,

I was wondering if you
and your lovely wife -

being the best travel agents in town -

would be up for maybe offering a prize

to the upcoming trivia night?

Maybe a trip for two
to Paris, city of love.

Um...

I'm sorry to hear that, Simon. I...

You guys seemed like the perfect couple.

I, um...

That's a tough pill to swallow.

Yeah, just let it out, mate.

It's a process, mate.

Chlo! Wake up.

Simon, I'll give you a call back.

Chlo! Chlo! If you sleep
now, you won't sleep tonight.

I'm so tired.

I know what will wake you up.

A treat breakfast!

You are the best dad ever!

Yum.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Just me.

It's a treat breakfast.

Ah, neat or on the rocks?

I think on the rocks, I guess.

To your second book!

Bedazzle me.

The story centres
around a primary school

in Sydney's Northern Beaches.

One of the mums has a mute
brother and deals heroine.

Another has returned to town
for the funeral of her old friend

who k*lled his wife and his
son before k*lling himself.

Hmm. Sounds like a best-seller to me.

Really?

Three best sellers, to be exact.

Big Little Lies, Boy Swallows
Universe and The Drive.

What's wrong? Couldn't
squeeze Cloudstreet in?

I was inspired by each of those.

- But to create something fresh and bold...
- No.

You've plagiarized, thrice.

Seems you have nothing
original to say -

unless you have some other ideas.

I do. I absolutely do.

Almost too many.

[PHONE RINGS QUIETLY]

Excellent timing.

I was just about to check in
with you about this morning.

[SOFTLY] Pulling out?

[YELLS] Are you yanking my chain?

GREG: So how many zeros on the contract?

No zeros, because I
have exactly zero ideas.

Greg, you need to help me. Do
you have any ideas, any at all?

Oh, wow. Em, you've
really put me on the spot.

OK, OK. m*rder is big.
Everybody loves a good m*rder.

But true crime has been done to death.

[GASPS] What about fake crime?

Yes, but isn't that just crime fiction?

- sh*t.
- Um... OK, OK.

If I've learned anything from Star Wars

it is that people love space
and they love a genre-mash.

So how about Lord of the Rings in space,

or Of Mice and Men, in space?

Or you can flip it
- put Star Wars on Earth.

I mean, has anyone really
explored w*r on Earth before?

Greg, your ideas are worse than mine,

which should be
comforting, but right now...

- [ROARS]
- [GRUNTS]

What is Chloe doing?

- [CONTINUES ROARING]
- Well, she's awake, which is a win.

Come with me. She'll call you back.

I'll call you back.

Em... When will you be home?

[ROARS, BABBLES]

I'm a booger monster!

Yes, you are.

Do you think in an alternative universe,

really snakes eat lolly humans?

Look, Ravi, you can't
hang around here all day.

You know, I have responsibilities.

But what else am I supposed to do?

I don't know, you could get a job?

- What, like, now?
- Maybe not today. But...

Look, come on. Lindsay
must be doing something.

- Go have fun without me.
- Sophie, that's mathematically impossible.

Hi. How can I help you?

I'll just grab a large choc-top, thanks.

Sure, no problem.

Dad, I'm so bored...

Chlo, being bored is good. OK?

If Isaac Newton wasn't bored

when he was sitting under the tree
when the apple hit him in the head,

he would never have discovered gravity.

I think he would have
worked it out somehow.

OK...

A $200 cheese platter?
Who is she bribing?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hi Janice. Can you tell me
what's in the duplex package?

Exfoliate, exhume and expunge? That's...

[WHISPERS] No! Stop! Stop, Chloe!

Less jumping, and more reading.

No, thanks.

Do you want me to rip that
half-star off your sleep chart?

[WOMAN ON PHONE] Hello? Hello?

No, sorry, Janice, you
can keep your half-star.

Now you have to go all
the way back to the start.

Oh. Going back half a star. Big whoop.

[SCOFFS] Big whoop?

Alright. Naughty step.

Good. The naughty step's my
favourite part of this house.

That's how you want to roll.

I'm going to confiscate
one thing from your bedroom.

- What's your favourite item?
- My bed.

You are grounded for
the rest of the week,

the rest of the month

and the rest of the year.

Good. I'm an inside person.

- [CALL ENDS]
- Oh, Janice, no, don't go!

What about the triplux package?

No wonder Luna's got
heaps more prizes than you.

Your phone manner sucks!

Uh, OK. Well, instead of a sequel,

what about... a spin-off?

About my sh*t kids?

- Mmm!
- Um, no, no, no, no.

Actually, let's strike that.

Look, Audrey, I've got a
best-seller in me, I know it.

I'm in my creative prime!

If I'm not writing then I am not living.

I'm glad to hear that

because I have something
very special in mind for you.

Oh, really? I love special. What is it?

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hey.
- Please tell me you're on the way home.

Ah, no. But Audrey has something
very special lined up for me.

So do I. Spending time with
our psychopathic daughter.

Emily! Time to tee off.

Are you on the golf course?

Trust me that I would
much rather be at home.

Spit-spot! Off the phone.
He's waiting to meet you.

- When are you coming home?
- I love you.

You hide from me!

Adam Gilchrist, cricket
legend and all-round swell guy,

meet Emily Butler, the ghost
writer of your new autobiography.

G'day.

[FAINTLY] Oh, bugger!

Here we go, this is the one.

Pitching wedge.

Um, is...

Isn't he divine?

He... he seems lovely.

Audrey, I don't want to
ghost-write an autobiography.

I want to pen a best-seller.

Gilly's next book will BE a best-seller.

That no-one will know I wrote.

You'll know, I'll know. Gilly will know.

And if the book sells a million copies,

your name will be right there
on the non-disclosure agreement.

Oh, come on. Don't
embarrass yourself. Come on.

Audrey, I am sorry.

I would be doing myself a
huge disservice by saying yes.

- Is that right?
- Mm-hm.

Well, I'll leave you to break the news.

Ah, Gilly. Emily has
something to tell you.

So excited to be working
with you on this, Emily.

I mean, typically, I'd
write this book myself,

but I'm drowning in
charity work at the moment.

Well... I...

Did tell you, my favourite
book last year: My sh*t Husband.

- Oh!
- How funny.

And... Sorry I interrupted.
What did you need to tell me?

[CLEARS THROAT] Just that, um...

I am really excited to work with you.

And I am a big fan. A huge fan.

Ta-ta.

[DUCK QUACK]

Sophie Butler, I don't pay you

to play Space Invaders
on your phone all day.

Sorry, I was just...
It won't happen again.

Do your worst, Chloe Butler. I quit.

Da-ad...

I know where you are!

I'm coming to get you!

[OPENS CAN]

Ohh...

- [GROANS]
- [PHONE RINGS]

- Don't you dare.
- Dad's phone.

Sorry. He can't come
to the phone right now.

He's lying on the ground in
his pyjamas, covered in beer.

Chloe, put the phone down.

He's been trying to organise
prizes for the trivia night,

but I haven't let him
because I'm tired and cranky.

[WHISPERS] Chloe!

Really? Yeah. Marriage sucks sometimes.

- It's OK.
- Give me the phone.

Hello. Who's this?

Simon! Simon, sorry I
didn't give you a call back.

It's one of those days where,
you know, the kids are...

Yeah, I'll put her back on.

Thanks, Dad.

Hi, Simon.

Mm-hm.

That would be amazing. Um, Thanks.

Oh, and don't forget to give my dad

five stars on the podcast page. Bye.

- That was Simon Hardman.
- I know.

- He runs a travel agency.
- I know.

Oh, and he said he's going to give you

- some super big trivia prize.
- Really?

It's some trip to Parkes
for an Elvis festival.

- [GIGGLES]
- Dad, what's an Elvis?

[BOLLYWOOD MUSIC PLAYS]

[GIRLS CHEER]

Did you get that? Please
tell me you got that.

Oh, no. Mine, mine, mine!
Ha, ha, ha, mine! Ah! Whoa.

- Excuse me.
- Authority figure.

- No outside snacks.
- Sorry, we'll... We'll bin it.

Oh! Look at you!

In your first job, all
grown up. How excitement.

- Did you come here just to see me?
- Course not.

We're going to see Peter Rabbit 2.

You do know that's a kids film?

- The film's irrelevant.
- It's playing in our favourite cinema.

It's where we first went to third base.

What's up, buttercup?

While I'm stuck at work,

Ravi, Lindsay and all
the cool kids from school

are having some random gath.

Best day ever, apparently.

Soph, if you really want to
go to this party, two words.

Heavy flow.

Squirts has a higher squeamish factor.

Not for fellas over 50.

Maybe go with both.

Just tell him you're facing
bouncers from both ends.

Sorry about the wait,
sir. Enjoy the film.

If it was anything else,
I could push through.

You don't have to keep telling
me, Sophie, I understand.

Thanks for letting me know.

- Popcorn, wasn't it?
- [MACHINE BEEPS]

Oh, no!

[OVER RADIO] Hello. Anybody there?

- Yes!
- Code pink! Cinema three!

Please, not now.

What's code pink?

Libidinous couple, watching
that movie about rabbits.

Must have set them off.

Yeah, I don't think
that was the trigger.

OK, listen, you go deal with
them. I'll deal with this.

- What about your, uh...
- I can push through.

- What, both ends?
- Both ends.

Trooper.

Hi, Mum.

Oh, hi, sweetheart.

Oh, how civilised.

It's more than civilised
- victorious,

because thanks to Chloe,

I scored a trivia
prize, fit for the king.

[IMITATES ELVIS] Uh huh,
uh huh, uh huh! [CHUCKLES]

All the parents are going nuts for it.

- Oh. How many prizes did you get?
- One.

And Luna.



But as you always say:
it's quality over quantity.

- I've never said that.
- [VOICE ON TABLET] You're a little b*tch.

Yes, I rule the sky.

Hey!

You bought Cloudsurfer.

She's 13 and a half stars
away from getting that reward.

Chloe did me a favour today.

I returned the favour.

Let's get back to talking
about my Jailhouse Rock'n prize.

No. It is a sleep chart.

It's a general behaviour chat now.

We did change it.

Can we talk?

OK.

Now.

Yep.

Oh, my back.

So, it's the Parkes
Festival, all expenses paid.

How is Chloe going to
learn about perseverance

if you just hand her something
that she's been building toward?

I'm not the bad guy here, Em.

You said you were going
to be gone for an hour.

You were gone for the entire day.

- I was at work.
- Why are you sunburnt?

It wasn't exactly a day at the beach.

Yeah. It was a day at the golf course.

Greg, you know that I hate golf.

So did Audrey like any of your ideas?

No, she hated all of them.

- Even the space ones?
- Especially the space ones.

And instead she wants me to ghost-write

some stupid sports autobiography.

Whose autobiography?

It was ah... Adam Gilchrist.

- Yeah.
- Sorry.

Adam Gilchrist? Gilly?

Yeah.

The greatest wicketkeeper batsman
of all time, and my personal hero.

Yeah, and that is why Audrey
dragged me to the golf course,

because I had to meet him

and then play a whole round with him

and then bond even more over frothies.

Well, that... that
is... that's what we...

Gilly called beers when we
sank them in the clubhouse.

You didn't consider
maybe giving me a call?

Well, no. It was it was work.

Well, I could have swung by
and accidentally bumped into you

and, "Oh, hi, Em. Who's
that? It's Gilly! Hey, Gilly!"

- No, that's weird, Greg.
- Didn't have to be that weird.

Hey, it was tedious. I
don't want to write the book.

Good. I'll write the
book. How hard can it be?

Chapter one
- Gilly dominates in bat and gloves.

rinse and repeat.

You are not hearing me. I want
to create something original.

I am hearing you loud and clear,

and you have completely
lost perspective.

Excuse me.

While you were out playing golf
all day with Adam Gilchrist,

I was at home watching Chloe couch jump

and shove lolly snakes up her nose.

I bruise my coccyx and I
had to counsel bloody Simon

through a marriage break down.

You want tedious?

That's tedious, Em!

Hmm...

Huh.

Hey, sit down.

Hey, sweetheart, I know that you
miss sharing a room with Sophie,

but you've really got to get
used to sleeping on your own.

I don't miss sharing a room with Sophie.

She talks in her sleep about Ravi.

Once she even sleep kissed him.

So then why are you
suddenly struggling to sleep?

Because of that freaky book
you brought home from work.

This? Freaky?

But, you know, he's a cute little cat

who spends his day trying to cheer
up old people in a nursing home.

Every time I close my eyes, I see
his disgusting, jaunty, little face.

So, Chloe, just to be clear,

it's your mum's fault
you haven't been sleeping.

- Dad, you're awake!
- Yes. Yes, I'm awake.

I've been awake for days
dealing with your tantrums,

while your mum's been swanning about.

Oh, OK. So compared to you,
my day has been awesome.

- Is that what you want to hear?
- Yes. Thank you.

Wait, wait, wait. Where are you going?

Well, if I am going to
write this book about Gilly,

I'm going to need my rest.

- But...
- But just think that if it all goes well,

Gilly might come over here for frothies.

Really?

Mmm.

OK.

Sleep sweet.

- [GENTLE MUSIC]
- ♪ Beautiful dreamer... ♪

Good night, Dad.

Good night, Gilly. I mean, Chloe!