03x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

Please put your hands
together for Emily Butler,

Author of soon best-seller
"My sh*t Husband".

And you still haven't told Greg?

She does not think you're sh*t.

She wrote a book about me
called My sh*t Husband.

I took the liberty of sending
your manuscript to Reese Witherspoon,

and she wants to option
the rights for $20,000.

- That's amazing!
- That is amazing.

So because I'm in that position,

we're calling it the Spanish rickshaw.

- Oh!
- [LAUGHS]

Best orgasm I've had this
financial year.

- Ohh.
- Yeah.

Oh, I keep meaning to ask, what's
the latest from Reese Witherspoon

about adapting your book?

Um, my book.

Well, um, well, as far as I know
the wheels are still in motion.

But then again Reese is super busy
and these kinds of projects,

they can take years
to get off the ground.

Plus it's, um...

It's a competitive market and...

...so much brilliant material out there.

Well, at least the podcast's
kicking goals.

Yeah.

So if you're a sh*t husband like me...

Loud and proud.

...send us an email at the
My sh*t Husband podcast

and tell us about your epic fails,

especially if you're living overseas.

Oh, yes, and here's a big shout out
to Fish Guts Bob and Friends

- from Louisiana.
- Hoho!

Fish Guts Bob from Lou-eeeeee-siana!
[LAUGHS]

Believable.

We've done something
that Barnesy couldn't.

- What's that?
- We cracked the US market.

[LAUGHS] Yee-haw!

Sweet!

RAVI: You know I could fill out
the form for you if you'd like.

My mother says that reading my
cursive writing is like a warm hug.

A form? What's the form?

Lindsay wants me
to get a job with her at the cinema.

So I just have to fill this form out

and hand it in tomorrow
to some guy called Zane.

GREG: Fire!

I should have said this sweet merch
is on fire.

It arrived!

The My sh*t Husband podcast merch.

Wow.

Ravi, on the house, buddy.

It's so crazy how the host of my
favourite podcast happens to be

the father of my girlfriend.

Like, what are the odds?

If you wear that, you are so dumped.

And we got a new sponsor.

Intensity. In-Tent-City.

They do tents and their jingle
is so contagious.

Wow.

Yay. Do you have hats for turtles?

Not hats for turtles but we do have...

...coffee mugs for little girls.

- Thanks, Dad. You're the best.
- Stop it.

Em, I cannot believe that I tried to
stop you publishing your book.

I mean, look what it spawned.

It's a My sh*t Husband empire!

I know, it's like...

...wow!

Think quick.

GREG: YOU pack the dishwasher the way
YOU want when you pack it, yeah,

and I'll pack it the way I want it
when I pack it.

- TERRY: Don't crack it when we pack it.
- That's it.

- [SINGS ALONG]
- ♪ If camping's your propensity ♪

♪ Come talk to us ♪

♪ In-Tent-City. ♪

[LAUGHS]

Chlo, here are your funny honey
sandwiches made with love.

And of course, honey and bread.

Thanks, Dad.

Here is your bag.

You have the best day ever, OK?

Go get 'em, Chloe Butler.

sh*t husband. Yeah?

Oh, you've... you've read the book.

Nah, not the book.
Didn't know there was a book.

But I love the podcast.

That thing you said about chips
being a vegetable, on the money!

[LAUGHS]

- Wow.
- Yeah.

That's awesome. Um...

How would you like...

...a My sh*t Husband T-shirt and hat?

Oh, seriously?

Thank you! I'll never take it off.

- Weddings, the beach, funerals...
- WOMAN: Hello.

Oh, sh*t.

Excuse me, parents. Come on now.

You know the rules.

Parents aren't allowed
to get out of their cars.

Brayden, I expected better from you.

Yeah, sorry, Luna.

I was actually just explaining to
Greg about...

Bye.

- So you must be...
- Luna.

Luna Keys.

New president of the
Parents and Friends Committee.

Nice to meet you, Luna Keys.

I am... old parent Greg Butler.

My kids are...

I know who you are, Greg Butler.

You really should be across
the new drop-off rule by now.

It's been a week.

Yeah, I thought we're allowed
to get out of the car

but not go into the school?

The rules have changed.

You would have received
an e-memo on PASH.

PASH?

The Parent and Student Hub?

The new online portal where we share
information about everything that

happens at the school.

I'm sorry,
my head's not quite across that.

Obviously I've had a fair bit
on my plate recently.

Maybe if you spent more time on PASH

and less time on needless

and, dare I say,
inappropriate self-promotion,

we wouldn't be having this conversation.

I'm sorry?

Just because you're a sh*t husband,
Mr Butler,

doesn't mean you have to be
a sh*t parent.

[CAR TOOTS]

- Yep.
- Looks like they know the rules.

OK, sorry.

Right.

Rise and shine.

Oh, my gosh. Emily!

What are you doing?
I have a student free day.

Yes, well, you're up now, Soph,

and I thought that I could help you
with your job interview.

Job interview?

Yeah.

You know, at the cinema.

With Zane.

Mum, it's not a job interview.

It's just dropping off some form.

And why aren't you at work?

Um, I'm working from home today so
you can have my undivided attention.

Lucky me.

No, Soph, I'm really glad you think so.

Whatever. You know...

I need a coffee before I can even deal.

You drink coffee?

Oh, let me guess.

A double shot macchiato
with almond milk.

Yep. Coffee it is.

Thanks for buying me
these new bedsheets, bro.

Oh, can't have you moving out
of my house without the proper linen.

Wouldn't feel right.

My new crib's gonna be the b*mb.

Inner-city vibes, yo.

New housemates, legit, fully lit.

Just waiting on Alessandro
to give me a call

so I can pay the bond
and pick up the keys.

Alright.

Oh, damn it!

Forgot to give Chloe her sports bag.

Chill, bro. It's all good.

No.

We're gonna have to go back
to the school.

And you probably need to
take off the hat.

[KIDS GIGGLE]

♪ If camping's your propensity ♪

♪ Come talk to us ♪

♪ In-Tent-City. ♪

Such a bangin' jingle, dude.

Hang on a second.

Is that...?

- It is.
- What?

That kid.

He's eating one of Chloe's
funny honey sandwiches.

What's so funny about a sandwich?

Oh, is it the honey?

No, I wrote a joke on a post-it note
and I stick it on top.

Why does he have them?

Maybe Chloe didn't like your joke.

That's ridiculous. Chloe loves my
funny honey sandwiches.

He must be a bully.

And he stole the sandwiches off Chloe.

Hey, whoa, whoa, Papa Bear.

You can't just pick a fight
with a bully.

Remember Leon Scalini?

The school excursion to the zoo?

Got your Tiny Teddies
and he threw them into...

- Into the meerkat enclosure.
- Yes, I remember.

- Yeah. And then he bashed ya.
- OK. OK.

Just...

You're right.

Let's find Chloe first,
make sure she's OK.

- We'll worry about him later.
- Exactly.

So where do the cool cats
hang these days?

Yeah.

Where did we hang?

Yes.

Just trying to think.

There she is.

What's she doing by herself?

Maybe she wet her pants.

It's happened to me
a couple of times at uni.

Hey, Chlo.

Dad, what are you doing here?

I was just passing by,
thought I'd pop in and hang.

Um, I don't think
the teachers like people doing that.

Oh, you forgot your sports bag.

Oh, thanks.

Um, Chlo...

I saw a boy over there
eating your lunch.

Your funny honey sandwiches.

Is everything OK?

Chloe, if that grade six boy is
bullying you, you can tell me that.

No.

A crow took my lunch right
out of my hand and flew away.

Probably dropped the sandwich
and that kid must have picked it up

and eaten it.

Do you really think
that's what's happened?

Happens all the time.
That's how pandemics start.

If you're not being bullied, why
are you sitting here all by yourself?

I'm not by myself.

Hannibal's here.

I know you think that you're just
dropping off a form,

but you should be prepared.

I was born prepared.

OK, what's your favourite movie?

Zane isn't gonna ask me that.

But he might, and you need to have
an answer ready to go.

And if you really want to impress
you'll go with a classic.

Like Bridget Jones's Baby?

Or To k*ll a Mockingbird.

I know you had to read that
for school so you would have cheated

and seen the movie.

I don't actually need to know
anything, Emily.

Lindsay says all she does all day
is eat free Choc-Tops

and watch free movies.

It's gonna be the best job ever.

Oh!

Mum!

Just remember, Sophie, the dream job,

they don't always turn out to be
as dreamy as you hope.

Yeah, thanks.

Let me know
when your TED Talk is online.

- Can I escape now?
- I'm meeting Ravi at the station.

Let me walk with you
and then we can drill into

the whole psychology
of a job interview on the way.

[PHONE BUZZES]

Oh, it's your father.

Just give me two minutes.

Hi, Greg.

Hey, listen, I've got to be quick
because Sophie,

she's practically begging me
to help her with a job interview.

Hey, a bully just stole Chloe's
funny honey sandwiches.

That's awful.

Yeah. I found her playing
in a sandpit all by herself.

She was like Tom Hanks in Cast Away.

But instead of a volleyball
she had a turtle.

Was she upset?

Well, I mean, you know Chloe.

She's very good at hiding her emotions.

So she wasn't upset?

No, but I'm upset.

Maybe I should go find this bully
and have a chat.

You know, man to man-child.

No, Greg, you really have to give
the girl some space

to work these things out for themselves.

So maybe it is time
to land your helicopter

- if you know what I'm saying.
- [DOOR CLOSES]

Greg, I've got to go.
Sophie's calling me.

Yeah, but Em, I just... [PHONE HANGS UP]

Sophie!

Sophie!

I'll let you know how I do, Emily.

Come back and open this door!

Sophie!

Oh!

So? What did Em say?

Well, she said, "You're the man.

"Go sort this sh*t out."

Did she really say that?

Hey, bro. Quick, get a selfie
with me and the school principal.

No. No. No.

That's Luna.

That's the woman
I've been telling you about.

Luna,
with the mouth the size of Luna Park.

Huh.

Probably why her parents
called her Luna.

Yeah, I doubt her parents
trolled her at birth.

Mate, this is the woman who accused
ME of needless self-promotion.

She's practically a Kardashian.

Quick. Give me the pen.

What are you signing up for?

[LAUGHS] This'll be funny.

This'll be funny.

- Greg! It's school property.
- [LAUGHS]

Someone's gonna see.

Oh, give me that.

Gotta do glasses.

[LAUGHS]

- Glasses. Classic.
- [CHUCKLES]

Yes!

Somebody needs a wax.

- Oh, make them bushy.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

- Ooh, quick.
- Let's go.

- Greg!
- I've got to do the other eyebrow.

Come on!

Let's go!

You think it's weird that they make
you physically hand in the form

instead of completing it online?

I dunno.
Maybe Zane wants to check me out.

Oh, and I told Lindsay we'd meet
her later at Nando's to celebrate.

- Can I help you?
- Oh, yeah, hi.

My name's Sophie Butler.

I'm here to drop off
a new employee form to Zane.

Oh, so you're here for a job interview.

Um...

Are you... are you Zane?

I closer resemble a piece
of outdoor lounge furniture

than I do a Zane.

I'm Brian, the manager.

Please follow.

Yeah.

Definitely has more of a Brian vibe.

Cinema is a language that
speaks about the future,

although the stories we tell
our from the past.

That's Pedro Almodovar.

Yeah.

I mean, movies are pretty cool.

Yeah.

Why do you want to work here,
Sophie Butler?

I mean, well,
besides the free Choc-Tops?

Oh, sorry. I...

Someone told me you get free Choc-Tops.

Right.

Tell me, Sophie Butler,
what's your favourite film?

Oh, I mean, well, there have been
some good ones recently.

Anything with the Rock is pretty good.

Right.

Sophie, I'm not sure...

To k*ll a Mockingbird.

Oh.

Oh, one of Mulligan's finest.

Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch,
attorney at law.

[CHUCKLES]

Very good. Very good.

- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
- Come on, darling.

Alessandro still hasn't
called me back about the house.

Then again,
you know what backpackers are like.

Alessandro's a backpacker?

Yeah, they're all backpackers.
The whole household.

It's two Spaniards, an English dude,
South African, couple of Germans.

There he is. That's him.

I never forget that bully boy's face.

What...

What do we have here?

Looks like the apple doesn't fall
far from the tree.

Greg, remember Leon Scalini
and the Tiny Teddies!

Greg! What if you get bashed again?

Looks like it's your turn
to be the sh...

...stupid parent.

Excuse me?

Ignoring the fact that
you got out of the car.

That's only the rule for drop-off.

You might want to teach your kid
that stealing lunches

is not a nice thing to do.

You know what they say.

Kids learn this stuff at home.

OK, moonwalk aside, that was
the coolest thing I've ever seen.

You totally burnt Lunatic.

Hey, please don't tell her
I called her Lunatic.

If that gets back,
they could rough me up pretty badly.

But... I'm with you all the way.

Dad!

Ah. Chlo.

Where'd you come from?

School.

- Of course.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]

Alright. Let's go.

[DOOR OPENS]

Soph?

No, it's Dad of the Year.

- As if that's even a thing.
- [MOBILE PHONE RINGS]

Oh, here we go.

Looks like it's moving out time.

Alessandro, my man.

Hope you're ready to hang ten

because I'm ready
to do some couch surfin'.

[WHISPERS] Couch?

What's that?

Oh... I was happy to pay
the bond for everyone,

but I've never heard of a Boomer tax.

So because I'm over 30,
I have to pay you $500?

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, yeah.

No, no.

I mean, I guess it makes sense.

No. Brad, Brad, Brad.

Hey, Alessandro,
Brad doesn't need your couch.

Not now, not ever.

Adios.

Greg!

I'm sorry,
I've had enough bullies for one day.

Where am I supposed to live now?

Oh, it's OK.

Greg will work something out. Greg?

Yeah. I'll think of something.

Guess I'll go put my normal clothes
on, then.

"Clarence"?

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Sophie!

Chloe!

Oh, hello.

Looks like somebody owes somebody
an apology.

There's no reason why this
needs to be awkward.

I agree.

Still feels pretty awkward,
though, doesn't it?

Fine. I accept your apology.

- What?
- You were holding Clarence's thermos.

You've been caught red-handed.

I don't know how Chloe got that
thermos but it doesn't really matter.

When bigger boys like Clarence bully...

Clarence is not the bully.

[WHISPERS]
He's the size of a small tree.

Yeah, and she's a little pot plant
who's been bullying my son.

My daughter's not the bully here.

Clarence has homemade dumplings
in a thermos for lunch.

He wouldn't give those up
for crappy white bread sandwiches

in cling wrap.

My sandwiches aren't crappy.

They're my world famous
funny honey sandwiches.

You're just another walking
celebration of male mediocrity.

You think a basic sandwich deserves
a Nobel sandwich prize?

As if that's even a thing.

Um, maybe we should let the kids
tell us what happened.

Yeah? Well?

We decided to swap lunches.

Swap?

Sweetheart, is this true?

His sandwiches make me laugh.

I put a joke in the bag.

That's why they're called
my funny honey sandwiches.

What do you do when someone
rolls their eyes at you?

You roll them back.

Chloe?

Her dumplings are so juicy
and I want to eat them all the time.

Oh, why didn't you just say something?

Because I didn't want to
hurt your feelings.

And Clarence didn't want to hurt yours.

Sorry, Mum.

I guess if the kids want to
swap their lunches,

that's their business.

Fine with me.

Maybe I could put a joke
in your thermos.

Yeah, right.

I'll have you know some of the kids
at school

think I'm quite the comedian.

Why else would they draw
a Groucho Marx glasses

and moustache on my cut-out?

I'm a hoot.

Well, I'll see you out.

I read your book.

You're a very good writer.

Clear and concise.

I look forward to what you
write next time

when you've got better material
to work with.

Come on.

She's not too bad.

SOPHIE: I'm home!

It's about time.
Sophie, where have you been?

And would it have k*lled you
to send a message

like you promised you would?

Uh, how about, "Hey, Sophie.
Did you get the job?"?

Ah, did you get the job?

Oh, Soph.

Of course I did.

That's my girl.

So, how was the interview?

And how was Zane?

Did he ask you lots of questions?

Uh, no. No, just dropped off
the form and got the job.

Just like that? That's great.

Never in doubt.

Emily had doubts.

No, not doubts, Soph.

I mean, I just wanted you to be prepared

so you weren't disappointed that...

You know, just because Reese
Witherspoon won't return your calls

doesn't mean you need to
take it out on me.

Hey, Soph!

Come back here.

"Never stop dreaming."

Hm.

Check this out. Flat as a tack.

Oh, really?

You know, that's funny

because I thought
I heard something pop just before.

I'm gonna have to send them
all back to Taiwan.

Can't have my ba*ls popping before
they get to the beach.

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES, CRIES]

Oh, come on.

Don't worry about what Sophie said.

She's at a weird age.

Oh, they're all weird ages.

But actually, she's right.

So what if My sh*t Husband
didn't become Big Little Lies?

I've gotta stop dragging the chain

and I've gotta focus on my next book.

- There we go.
- Hm.

Maybe it could be about a schoolmarm
who's drunk with power.

Greg.

No, I'm OK with being your sh*t husband.

But being a sh*t parent?

I take that seriously.

So tomorrow I'm gonna go back
to the school

and I'm gonna sign up for Luna's
PASH committee.

Competitive much?

No, it's not about that.

I should get involved. It's what...
It's what good parents do.

BRAD: Hey, bro.

Loving the new digs.

- [BOTH SING]
- ♪ If camping's your propensity ♪

♪ Come talk to us ♪

♪ In-Tent-City. ♪

[CHUCKLES]

Sponsor.

[LAUGHS]

[DOG BARKS IN THE DISTANCE]

Tez! Hurry up!

I don't want Em to see us.

She checks this thing four times a day.

But there's a book here on antelopes.

Oh. Well, bring them both.

Great.

Let's get home.

Let's go.

I feel another Spanish rickshaw
coming on.

To your second book.

Bedazzle me!

So did Audrey like any of your ideas?

She hated all of them.

Instead, she wants me to ghost-write
some stupid sports autobiography.

Whose autobiography?

Adam Gilchrist!

- Meet Emily Butler.
- G'day.