05x14 - The Lucky Stiff

[bunniefuu]

Hi honey, it's me.

Don't hang up, don't hang up.

Forget it, Terry.

You think you can explain desertion and
theft?

This time it was different.

Oh, it sure is.

You took the $30,000 I inherited from my
grandma Ida.

Jerry, that was our security.

It was our nest egg.

It was all we had.

Sure, just sitting there earning a few
bucks interest when we could have put that

money to work for us, stumbling and
tripping our investments.

That money stood between us and
foreclosure.

Now we lost the house, too.

Don't worry about it.

I'll handle it.

So tell me, Mr. Bucks, what are we doing
with our money this time?

We're doing great.

I'm just waiting around for the first
dividend check from the oil partnership.

I know all about the oil partnership.

It's a fraud.

I know all about you getting arrested as
being an accomplice.

Now that was a setup.

Sandy, I swear to you, I'm innocent.

And I know all about you losing all our
money.

I'm gonna get your money back.

And more.

I love you, Sandy.

And I'm gonna make you rich.

Don't worry, baby.

The pain's gonna be over soon.

Jerry, stop talking dreamland.

Better yet, go one further.

Stop talking, period.

Ladies and gentlemen, stay tuned for the
interstate lottery's big three million

-dollar drawing in approximately five
minutes.

Oh, sure.

I'm just a little nervous, that's all.

I never hired it.

It ain't my profession.

What do you call it?

Ten thousand, right?

That's right.

Mr. Watson, aren't you gonna count that?

It'll be counted before I cut you.

You sure you want to go through with this?

You know, I can sell you a g*n and you can
do the job yourself.

It would be a hell of a lot cheaper.

With my luck, I'd probably miss.

Look, if your marriage is failing,
wouldn't a divorce be simpler?

Are you kidding?

A divorce doesn't pay close to m*rder.

Besides, I didn't take that $100,000 life
insurance policy out for nothing.

Now listen, this can't look like a
suicide.

Otherwise, the insurance company won't pay
off.

I know that, Jerry.

I'll see to it my boys carry out your
wish.

Okay.

Wait.

When?

You'll be dead within a few days.

Ah, great.

Thanks.

You...

...the

six numbered ba*ls, which
will determine who will

win the $3 million
Interstate Lottery jackpot.

Let's mix them up, huh?

Okay, the first ball is a four.

The second ball is a three.

The third ball is a nine.

The fourth ball is a three.

And the fifth ball is a six.

Okay, here's the last one.

All right.

If your number is 4-3-9-3-6-2,
you have just won $3 million.

What did he say?

Let me repeat.



And you have won $3 million if you hold
that ticket.

I won!

That's me!

That was my number!

What?

That was my number!

You want a drink?

Give them all a drink!

Can you believe?

Look at that!

That was my number!

Oh, my God!

Mr. Watson!

Mr. Watson!

How did the sh**ting go?

Terrific.

We wrapped a half a day early.

All right.

Where's Howie?

Oh, he's getting some stuff out of the
truck.

Where'd you get that vest?

Oh, you like it?

Yeah.

My good pal Arnold gave it to me as a
gift.

Oh, Schwarzenegger gave you that vest?

God, that guy's got a big heart.

Wasn't it good of him?

Hey, actually, he's got a big fist.

I think he felt bad because he about broke
my ribs.

He's not as bad as you did taking the
punch.

Wait till you see what he gave Howie.

Or maybe I should say G.I.

Joe.

Arrrr!

Anybody makes a move in their history.

Howie, in that vest, I think you already
made history.

If that's Pearl, I'm not here.

I haven't gotten my residual check yet.

And I gave her an I.O.U.

for the money I needed.

For the new fireproof roof.

Eh, no problem.

Just leave her to me.

I'm looking for Colt Seavers.

Uh, Colt Seavers?

My name's McGuire.

Tony McGuire.

I'm a bail bondsman.

I'm Colt Seavers.

Come on in.

Thank you.

Funny thing about reputations.

You finally meet the person and then
nothing like you were told.

Well, who told you what?

How'd you hear about me?

One of the regulars of my Wednesday card
game.

Hold them and weep, Sperling.

Hold them and weep?

Pearl.

Oh, no.

She tried pushing the pot.

Didn't even draw.

Had me ready to fold.

Her expression was etched in stone.

But I raised anyway.

She, uh, called and then raised.

With your I.O.U.

And she lost?

Her shirt.

Ugly thought.

Tony, I hate to say this, but that I.O.U.

is strictly between Pearl and me.

Where does it say so?

This thing's legal and binding.

It's got your signature on it.

He's very cold.

Well, lucky thing for you, Colt.

I got this little job that'll
not only earn your marker

back, but put a few bucks
in your pocket as well.

I'd really like to help you.

But I'm not as available as I originally
thought I was.

Then change your schedule.

His name's Jerry Andros.

He got busted for his involvement in some
phony oil scam.

I need him, and I need him fast.

What's the rush?

You know the lottery drawing yesterday?

Sure.

Three million dollars.

Meet the winner.

A buddy at the I.R.S.

tipped me.

It's this job or the I.O.U.

Matches the license number McGuire gave
us.

Some luck, huh?

Guy's gonna pick up
three million bucks, and

we're gonna nab him
and take him to jail.

That'll give him time to figure out how to
spend all that money.

Mr. Andros, I wish you'd
reconsider waiting for

the official press
presentation of the check.

No, look, I'm sorry.

Something's come up, and I gotta get out
of town.

Colt, there he is.

Wait till he goes for his car,
then we'll grab him.

There are gonna be a
lot of disappointed people

who bought tickets and
who want to see the winner.

Look, maybe next time.

Am I gonna have any trouble cashing this
thing?

Not if you take it to the official lottery
bank.

Yeah?

The address is on the check.

Great.

Thanks a lot.

You're welcome.

What did I tell you?

No problem.

Stay in the truck.

Name's Colt Seavers, officer of the
courts.

He skipped bail.

We gotta bring him in.

Oh, thank God.

I thought it was somebody else.

Cousin did.

Who are those guys with Andros?

Well, whoever they are, they're about to
become guests at Andros' going-away party.

Is everybody okay?

I'm all right.

Well, I'm not, and neither is my truck.

Look.

We better pull over before she blows.

Not until I get Jerry.

Turn him off the road.

Oh, man.

I'm really sorry about this.

Please, let me make that phone call.

Who to?

My wife.

I want to let her know about the lottery.

All right.

Great.

Don't you try anything.

No problem.

And hey, leave the door open.

Mr. Seavers?

Why?

Suppose I can borrow 20 cents.

All I got's a check for three million.

Don't forget, you owe me a quarter.

No problem.

Hello?

Hi, honey.

Boy, am I glad I got a hold of you.

Who is this?

Me, Jerry.

Jerry Andros.

I tried to reach you earlier, but I
couldn't get a hold of you, sweetheart.

Sweetheart?

I trust you're calling me that for a
reason, Jerry.

Oh, yes, I am.

Well, I'm glad you called.

Let me apologize for the unprofessional
treatment you received earlier.

It won't happen again.

No, no, no, no.

Don't worry about that.

I've got some great news.

I've had a stroke of good luck,
and I changed my mind.

I don't want to die.

That's wonderful, Jerry.

Where are you?

Well, you're not going to believe this,
but I'm with a bounty hunter.

So that's who got you out of there safely.

Yeah, and lucky he did.

He's going to be taking me to jail as soon
as he gets his truck fixed.

Jerry, where are you?

Well, right now, I'm at 13th and Grand.

Do you think you can get a hold of the
guys and tell them the deal's off?

Sure, Jerry.

No problem.

Ray, I love you.

And that money I gave you, you can keep
it.

I plan to.

You were thrilled.

Well, it seems our friend Jerry decided he
wants out of his deal.

It's a shame I can't get a hold of you two
in time to call it off.

You still want him here.

He leaves me no choice.

He's too unstable.

He might talk.

I can't afford that.

What can you afford, Mr. Watson?

Same price as before.

No.

Five thousand more.

Now he's got an escort.

Fair enough.

Make sure you get that bracket real tight.

This is serious.

Don't worry about the cost of those hoses.

I'm gonna take care of everything.

In fact, why don't you let me buy you a
new truck?

That won't be necessary.

Must feel pretty good to be rich,
huh?

It's the answer to my dreams.

Well, if it ain't the answer, it'll sure
put a healthy down payment on him.

Yeah.

I'll be able to go home with my head held
high.

Where is home?

San Fernando Valley.

Sandra and I have got a little house
there.

And I'm gonna build her a castle.

Sandra your wife?

I hope so.

What?

We're separated.

I made a vow that I wouldn't go home until
I made something of myself.

How long have you been separated?

Five months.

Good luck.

All fixed and ready to roll, Colt.

You guys really did do a fantastic job.

In fact, there's gonna be a bonus in it
for you when you bring me in.

Great!

That won't be necessary, Jerry.

We're just doing our job.

Hey!

Speak for yourself, Munson.

Listen, do you see a sign anywhere that
says no gratuitousies accepted?

Huh?

Listen, are these really necessary?

I won't go anywhere.

Colt, cuff him to the door.

Right where Watson said they'd be.

Colt, I think we've got a company.

Just give me one clean shot.

Have you guys this before?

I don't need to answer that.

I think I might've told him.

Calling your wife?

I lied.

I called Mr. Watson.

Who's Mr. Watson?

He's the guy I hired to have me k*lled.

Why would you want someone to k*ll you?

Because I wanted my wife to get my life
insurance benefits.

They say romance is death.

Just pull over to the side.

I gotta let him know.

Don't sh**t.

There's been a big misunderstanding.

I'm back.

Hi, honey.

It's me.

I don't want you calling me anymore,
Jerry.

This time it's different, sweetheart.

We're millionaires.

Stop it, Jerry.

It's for real.

Look, I'm coming home just as soon as I
settle a couple things, okay?

You just won't learn, will you?

Thanks a lot.

My pleasure.

Three million dollars is a lot of money,
Jerry.

And why you changed your mind.

Well, it means everything to me and my
wife.

I hope.

That's important to you, isn't it?

It means everything to me.

That's why you gotta get a hold of those
guys and tell them the deal's off.

I put the word on the street.

I'm sure they know by now.

Well, I thought they knew before.

They may have.

What's that mean?

Jerry, sometimes guys
like this do things that

normal people like you
and I don't understand.

Like what?

Well, they take their work personally.

No matter what I say, they'll always know
they failed.

They may continue on their own.

Well, you gotta stop them from doing that.

There may be one way to satisfy their
appetite.

What's that?

Money.

How much?

Let's say 25,000 for each of them and 50
,000 for me.

A hundred thousand dollars?

It's your life.

You're right.

And it's worth it.

I gotta go cash this check at a bank.

Why don't I meet you back here at four o
'clock?

You're doing the intelligent thing,
Jerry.

No, I didn't lose Jerry.

I just lost him temporarily.

Sure, I got a lead on him.

And I'll call you as soon as I bring him
in.

So what's the lead?

The bank.

A three million dollar check doesn't mean
a thing until you cash it.

There's only one bank that handles the
lottery account.

Come on, let's go.

No,

wait in the truck.

Right.

Jerry?

Oh, no.

Remember me?

No, not now.

Look, I gotta get this money to Mr. Watson
and my wife.

I'm just gonna have to wait.

You know, I gotta bring in.

Mr. Severs, I really hate to do this to
you.

Help!

Help!

Help!

Are you crazy?

I'll buy your car.

You're crazy.

Not yet, but I'm getting there.

Look, I'm a bounty hunter.

He's a wanted man.

I mean, here's the papers to prove it.

How much do you want?

That isn't worth very much.

Five thousand?

Well, there is a certain sentimental
value.

All right, ten thousand dollars.

It's a deal.

I can pick my kids up on the bus.

Right.

Oh, thanks a lot.

Well, we should have had Jerry's money
now.

It just might cover the cost of bailing us
out of jail.

Yeah.

It's getting to be like seven miles of bad
road to me, Severs.

I'm on my way over to discuss the terms of
your release.

So don't be hard to find.

I've had it now.

I don't blame you.

Yeah, McGuire completely misrepresented
the parameters of this assignment.

He must have learned the business from
Pearl.

Well, I go after the bail jumper.

I get shot at by K*llers.

And I'm the one who lands in jail.

And I don't need this abuse in my life.

I'm gonna give him his hat and tell him to
get lost.

That must be him now.

Maybe I need to calm down.

What, and lose a good head of steam?

People like you working for it's a miracle
Pearl's still in business.

Oh, just a second, McGuire.

No, you just a second.

I just laid out $5,000 to spring you from
the can.

Between that and your new roof,
you're into me for nine grand.

You are gonna get your money back.

Damn right I am.

But you are not gonna get your skip.

How's that, Severs?

You heard me.

You got your job back.

All right.

I believe in give and take.

You give me back my job, and I take
something.

Like what?

Your roof.

Okay guys, take it off.

Colt, there's a whole construction crew
out there.

It's a mechanic's lien.

So what?

So, it means I have the right to repossess
the materials used...

to repair your roof, which is exactly what
I'm doing.

You can't do that.

Can he?

I'm afraid he can, Colt.

So what's it gonna be, Severs?

My skip?

Or you're gonna end up with a new sunroof?

All right, you win.

Pearl said you were a smart one.

Come to think of it, I think she was
talking about somebody else.

Hi, baby.

You.

I brought you some gifts.

Keep them.

Mink stall.

Give it back to the mink.

Look, out there in the street.

What do you see?

A sidewalk.

Why don't you use it?

Build a Porsche.

I'm talking about the Porsche.

Jerry, did you steal that car?

Steal it?

I bought it.

Paid cash for it.

You?

Yes.

Just let me in the house, and I'll prove
it to you.

All right, you can come in.

But don't take off your jacket.

You're not staying.

Go ahead.

Talk.

I don't know where to begin.

Why don't you begin with your pants?

Oh, yeah.

You like these?

I just bought them.

Wanted to come in style.

Jerry, you're supposed to get your pants
hemmed before you leave the store.

I know that.

I was in a hurry.

I wanted to bring these gifts to you.

Where did you get all the money to buy
that stuff anyway?

I've been going crazy trying to pay off
some of our bills.

Baby, that's what I'm trying to tell you.

I won the lottery.

We won the lottery.

Come on, Jerry.

Level with me.

Sandra, look at me.

You know what you're looking at?

You really don't want to know.

You're looking at a millionaire.

In fact, a three-millionaire.

Minus taxes, of course.

Look at that.

Huh?

Huh?

Hmm?

Hmm?

Hmm?

There.

Pay your bills with that.

You're not kidding, are you?

No, I'm not.

Sandra, when I get back, you and I are
going to go on a vacation.

Jerry, I went on a vacation when I got you
out of my life.

Once I got used to being alone.

I don't have time for this.

Look, sweetheart, as soon as I straighten
out a little misunderstanding,

I'll be back.

What kind of misunderstanding?

It's a long story.

Shorten it.

I have to pay off some guys so they won't
k*ll me.

Why would anyone want to k*ll you,
Jerry?

I asked him to.

You're crazy.

Maybe.

But, Sandy, we won the lottery.

We're rich.

You think you can just buy your way back
into my life?

I'm sorry.

It doesn't work like that.

Now, look.

I got to meet this guy that's trying to
k*ll me down at Lindsey's bar at 4 o 'clock.

And when I'm done with that, I'm coming
back.

Jerry, you...

Who is it?

My name is Colt Seavers.

Miss Andros, I'm an officer of the L.A.

Courts.

I'm looking for your husband.

He's not here.

I can see he was.

Yes, he was.

Did he say where he was going?

I don't remember.

Mrs. Andros, someone is trying to k*ll
your husband.

Oh, my God.

Jerry told me that.

I didn't believe him.

Miss Andros, did Jerry say why those men
were after him?

Well, no, not exactly.

Miss Andros, Jerry took
a contract out on himself

so you would receive
his life insurance money.

What?

He felt so badly about using that money of
yours, he wanted to make it up to you.

Oh, God.

Does he understand it's not about money?

It never was.

Miss Andros, we want to help him.

Tell us where he went.

Lindsay's bar on Hargrove, not ten minutes
ago.

Let's go.

Please, don't let anything happen to him.

I'll tell him you said that.

It's all there.

All 100,000.

Very impressive.

Jerry, I'd like you to meet some friends
of mine.

Sure.

Matz, Sabo.

Those are the guys who tried to k*ll me.

Hi.

How are you?

Yeah.

Pleasure.

Sorry about having to...
cancel out on the deal on you.

Do you understand?

Sure we do.

Good.

I gave Mr. Watson your money.

Jerry...

we have to talk about that.

What more is there to talk about?

More money.

How much more?

One million dollars.

I feel bad about this, Jerry.

I really like you.

Well, that's not worth another 900,000
dollars.

You'll still have two million for
yourself.

If I give you the money, how do I know
you're not gonna bleed me for more?

You have my word.

A lot of good that's done me before.

Uh-uh.

No deal.

One more step and you're dead.

You're not gonna k*ll me.

Not here.

We'll follow him.

No.

What do you mean, no?

Jerry has something we want.

We'll just trade in for something he
wants.

He's got three million dollars.

What more could he want?

His wife.

I'd gladly pay you for all your troubles.

Well, even you don't have that much money.

My money!

What about it?

I left it in a parked car.

You left three million dollars in a parked
car?

It was the only place handy.

Do you think you could let me get it and
drop it off with my wife?

You call your wife from jail and tell her
where it is.

It's only a couple blocks away from here.

Please?

All right.

Yes!

I'm positive!

Right here!

Are you sure?

Yes!

Why?

Jerry, let's go to jail.

We had a deal.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Just let me go inside and leave her a note
telling her where the money is.

All right.

What are you waiting for?

Well, I don't have the key ever since you
changed the locks.

What did you do to her?

Sandra...

Sandra?

Oh, of course... Look.

Mr. Sears, she's not in the house.

Oh my God!

Wait, let me get out of here.

Hello?

Jerry?

I'm glad you're home.

Where is she?

Well, I see you got our message.

She's fine.

Have you heard her?

That's entirely up to you, Jerry.

What do you want?

The money.

All of it.

All of it?

I thought all you wanted was a million.

Well, that was before you ran out on us.

Ask to talk to her.

I want to talk to her.

Talk.

Jerry?

Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna get you out of this.

Jerry, I'm scared.

You see?

She's fine.

Please don't hurt her.

Well, you do what I ask and I won't have
to.

Anything.

Well, I'm glad to see you've come to your
senses.

I imagine that bounty hunter is still
there with you.

And listening to this conversation.

Yeah, I'm here.

Good.

You've caused me a lot of grief.

I think it's about time we met.

It suits me.

If you want the money, you're gonna have
to wait.

For what?

Jerry left the money in the trunk of his
car.

It got towed away.

It's at the Third Street impound yard.

Then get it.

We can't until tomorrow.

It's after five.

You'll get it now.

We'll meet you there.

And if you're thinking of calling the
cops, don't.

It'll be much healthier for Mrs. Andrews.

Well, I got an idea.

Remember that science fiction movie we
made in Georgia last year?

You mean Phantom at the Chunkyard?

As bad as it was, I think we're about to
do a sequel.

Reunions come later.

All right, let's get this over with.

Well, you must be the bounty hunter.

That's right.

This may be one bounty you'll wish you
never went after.

Oh, there's been a lot of those.

You bring the money?

Right here.

Three million dollars.

You're a good person.

You all right, kid?

Yeah, I think so.

My money!

Nice

of her to give him a lift.

After Jerry explained
his case to the judge, it

took him all of five minutes
to dismiss the charges.

I guess I live under one lucky star,
huh?

Yeah, knock on wood.

Somebody up there obviously likes you.

Someone down here, too.

That's the kind of luck that doesn't run
out.

I'll drink to that.

You know something?

I learned a very valuable lesson from you
guys.

That money really can't buy happiness.

Ah, Jerry.

But it sure can make a hell of a down
payment.

The keys to the Porsche.

Jerry!

Well, you think I'm trying to buy your
love.

Sold!

Told

I almost forgot.

The DA's office called.

They're looking at least two unsolved
killings on Watson and his cronies.

Well, I guess we won't be hearing from
them for a while.

Except for sounds of big rocks being
turned into little ones.

Hey, this didn't turn out too shabby.

Sander and Jerry got their millions and
Colt got his new roof.

Yeah, and it hasn't caught fire all day.

Very funny.

At least I spent my money on something
that does what it's supposed to do.