05x03 - Femme Fatale

[bunniefuu]

Bob Davis.

And I understand you're looking for a
piano player.

That's right.

But you've got to perform in drag.

Oh, no problem.

I'm ready dressed for the job.

Not that it makes any
difference, but do you

have any experience as
a female impersonator?

Oh, yeah.

About 20 minutes.

Believe me, Colt, your financial worries
are a thing of the past.

All we do is give the computer a few key
figures, and then Mr. Money does the rest.

Mr. Money?

That's the name of this new budget
management software.

Mr. Money's gonna tell you exactly where
every dollar's going.

Yeah?

Well, he didn't mention where the next
one's coming from, did he?

It's a good thing Pearl's on the way.

We could all use the work.

Just another second, and he'll rate your
fiscal fitness.

There it is.

There's your problem.

Negative cash flow.

You've been spending more money than
you've been making, Colt.

And if you keep it up, Mr. Money predicts
that you're gonna go bankrupt.

What, I needed a computer to tell me that?

Now listen, that's Pearl now.

Now don't price yourself out of a job.

Excuse me, honey.

Five G's, Seaver.

Take it or leave it.

What, did I miss something?

Like, hello, or what am I being hired for?

What's the matter with five thou?

Oh, nothing.

Unless you expect me to hunt down an armed
k*ller for that kind of money.

Is that all the trust there is between us?

Look, I ain't buying a pig and a poke.

Six G's.

Do we do business or not?

Colt, remember Mr. Money.

Sounds like my kind of guy.

Make it eight and we got a deal.

I'll probably regret it.

Yeah, well, that'll make two of us.

Deal.

Vincent Dourning skipped on 200,000 of my
money and I want his hide.



What'd he do?

He splattered two
guys across the hood of

their Ferrari when some
drug deal went sour.

I knew it.

A m*rder*r.

You sure know how to get your money's
worth.

And I think he skipped to k*ll again.

The one eyewitness to the m*rder had his
place shot up and nobody's seen him since.

Well, if he did get away, chances are
Dourning will try again.

You got a picture?

Yeah.

Oh, hey, it's in the bag.

This guy looks like a pushover.

That's not the k*ller.

That's the witness he's after.

His name is Merritt Thorson.

This is your k*ller, Dourning.

Oh, I take back everything I said.

Well, I say our job is to locate Thorson
before Dourning does.

Well, how are we gonna find him?

He supposedly disappeared.

Only I know something the police don't
know.

The name and address of his fiancée.

Thorson was protecting her.

She doesn't know a thing about him being
an eyewitness.

We better get started.

Get along.

It's just as well that I'm not in town.

It's just because he doesn't think much of
musicians.

You know, Daddy's a little on the
conservative side.

Yeah, just slightly to the right of Attila
the Hun.

I think he can only see me now.

Honey, this is the trooper we're gonna
tell him about our wedding plans.

We can't put this off Merritt.

The moon's in Virgo.

Now, what's so important in Bakersfield?

Well, I've got a gig at the Club Granada.

Well, how about us coming up there to see
you?

No.

Uh, no, Rhonda, you wouldn't like it.

I mean, you know, the show's a little
offbeat and, uh...

You really wouldn't be seeing me at my
best.

I'll be back in a couple of days.

Merritt, just tell me the truth.

There's not another woman, is there?

What kind of man do you think I am?

More than anything in the world.

I love you, Merritt.

Okay, I gotta go.

Bye.

Bye.

Even if she believes we're trying to
protect Thornton, he may not.

He could panic and run.

If we lose him, we lose our only lead to
Dorning.

All right, you ready?

Yeah.

Yes, can I help you?

Uh, we're looking for Merritt Thorson.

Oh, I'm sorry, he's performing out of
town.

Uh, it's very important that we find him.

Why?

He's not in any kind of trouble,
is he?

Well, not unless you consider missing out
on the opportunity of a lifetime trouble.

What do you mean?

Well, you see, if we
can find him in 24 hours,

why, he is as good as
got a part in a feature film.

But Merritt's never acted before.

Why would they want him?

Uh, well, you see, we just worked for the
agency.

It seems that he's the exact type that
this director's looking for.

Uh, you sure you can't tell us anymore?

You're not putting me on, are you?

Hey, Scout's on it.

We find him, he's got himself a movie
contract.

I think he said he's at the club Granada
in Bakersfield.

I got a new attitude I'm in control,
my worries are few The one I love,

I got it back for you

Those dancin' feet On the avenue,
I'm taking you to 42nd Street Hear the

beats of dancin' feet The song I love,
the melody of 42nd Street Middle fifties

from the fifties In Oats and
Dance You call that a kick?

I wanna see George Blander going for a 60
-yard field goal.

All right, let's pick it up.

And... A five,
six, seven, eight!

Where the arts of the world can be seen
I'm sorry, the club's not open right now.

This is just a dress rehearsal.

We're looking for somebody we know.

Named Thorson, Merritt Thorson.

We think he works here.

No, nobody named Thorson's employed here.

Well, it's been a couple of years.

He might be working under a stage name.

You mind if we look around?

No, just don't get in the way,
will ya?

You see, I got a business to run here.

Doesn't look like Thorson's here.

It means there aren't any men here at all.

Yeah, well, look again.

Listen to a lullaby You mean it's a female
impersonator club?

Wow, in Bakersfield.

I only have seen it all.

Oh, God, I hope so.

Okay, that's a wrap.

I want to see everybody on time for the
matinee.

Colin, it could be any of those guys.

Now, what are we gonna do now?

Simple.

We follow them into the dressing room, make
the identification once the makeup's off.

Okay, well, I'll see you guys later.

I'm gonna wait in the car.

No, no, wait a minute.

Look, Howie and I go
in there, he could spot

us and suspect us as
hitmen and disappear.

I want to keep this as low profile as
possible.

Look, all you have to do is put on a hat,
lower your voice.

They'll think you're one of the chorus.

Thanks a lot.

Jodi, trust me.

Just get in.

Make the identification and get out.

We'll wait for him outside.

But, Colin, they're guys undressing in
there.

What the heck?

You earned it.

Go on.

Oh, he's kidding, right?

He's not kidding.

Did you just get hired?

Uh, yeah, yeah, sort of.

Listen, Tex, let me give you a little
friendly advice.

Get rid of that awful wig.

It's a dead giveaway.

Oh, yeah?

Trust me.

And it wouldn't hurt if you, uh,
padded the upholstery a little more.

Hey, what do you mean?

I...

I, uh, uh, I mean, I sort of thought I
looked kind of good.

You just need a little smoothing around
the edges.

I'm only telling you for your own good.

You were way ahead of me on the solo,
sweetheart.

You better pick up the tempo or you'll be
out on your can.

That's the other guys around here.

I can get very ugly when I'm provoked.

I guess you've been provoked a lot.

I

was only telling you for your own good.

I had a lot to learn when I first started.

With a little work, you could even fool
me.

Thanks.

Next

thing you know, she'll be doubling Robert
Redford.

One more crack like that out of you and
you're gonna be doubling raw hamburger.

Big enough.

Hey, you see that maintenance man?

He's carrying a g*n.

I've been watching him.

He might be working for Dorney, and I
better make sure he doesn't try anything.

There we go.

That's her.

I mean, that's him.

Yeah, and look who just showed up.

That's our Skip.

And he's got a g*n.

Well, at least we've got his accomplice
right where we want him.

Tried to use this.

All right, you slime ball.

Who are you?

The name is Mullins.

Your ID's in the pocket.

Yeah, we know who you're working for,
Mullins.

Vincent Dorney.

Take a closer look.

FBI.

You

just made the mistake of a lifetime.

Real hot shots, do you?

It was all my fault, Mr. Mullins.

I thought you were working with the guy we
were trying to grab.

The guy you're trying to grab?

You know how many weeks I've put in on
Dorney?

My damn reputation at the Bureau is on the
line.

If there's anything we
can do... You bet there is.

You know, I could slap your friend here
with enough charges to put him away...

for five to ten years.

The way I see it, I own you and your whole
macho brigade.

Oh, come on.

I'm serious, Severs.

You help me, or I swear I'll nail the kid.

What kind of help do you want?

For starters, the witness is now your
responsibility.

Anything happens to Thorson, you've got
blood on your hands.

Just think of yourselves as guardian
angels.

Well, how can we protect him?

We don't even know where he is.

He never saw the attack.

Chances are he'll be back for life.

He'll be back for his performance in a
couple of hours.

And don't let him know you're watching
him.

I don't want him to get nervous and skip
town.

Severs, come with me now.

I need your services right away.

I'm sorry, Cole.

If Thorson comes back, I won't let him out
of my sight.

Darn right you won't.

Even if it means going undercover.

Undercover as what?

Make sure his lipstick's on straight.

It'll be a pleasure.

You're kidding, right?

He's kidding, right?

He's not kidding.

Do you mind telling me where we're going?

To see about making a withdrawal.

What do you mean?

The banks are closed.

Not this one.

See, the only way I knew Darning was going
to be at that club this afternoon was by

paying the guy who sells him his g*ns $10
,000 for the information.

What's the problem?

The FBI pays informants all the time.

The problem is I had no authorization.

I took the money out of the evidence room.

Oh, so you're going to try to get that
money back.

That's why you're going to do it for me.

No, thanks.

What you need is a cat burglar.

I've got something much better.

See, a bounty hunter can get away with a
lot more than a federal agent can.

I really appreciate this, Mr. Rudolph,
and so does the FBI.

Hey, when my country calls, how can I not
cooperate?

Just so long as he doesn't get near that
stage.

I wouldn't want my customers to think that
my standards have sunk that low.

Congratulations, you are now the star's
understudy.

If you're waiting for me to get sick,
you can forget it, honey.

I'm built like an ark.

We noticed.

It's

been a long time, John.

Thanks for getting here so fast.

Sure.

Please.

My asthma.

Oh, sure.

So, what do you want me to do?

Or should I say who?

His name is Merritt Thoreson.

Now, he's disguised as a woman.

He plays piano with
a bunch of female

impersonators down at a
club called the Granada.

And John, he's the only thing that stands
between me and the acquittal.

I'm surprised you didn't take care of it
yourself.

Oh, I tried, but they're on to me now.

Besides...

That's why I call in the best.

I found out about your little secret,
you devil, you.

You did?

Listen, Rhonda, I can explain everything.

Did I tell you your plans were lined up or
what?

Imagine being offered a part in a movie.

What?

Oh, no.

Oh, my spoiled surprise.

Oh, I was sure they would have reached you
by now.

Who?

Well, the people from the casting
department.

They want you to be in a movie.

Rhonda, did you tell them where I was?

Well, of course.

And Daddy's just as excited about this as
I am.

Yeah, I'll bet.

Look, I gotta go, okay?

I'll call you again tomorrow.

All right.

Bye, honey.

Bye.

Oh, he's such an Aries.

That merit's so impetuous.

That's not the word I would have used.

If you ask me, it's very suspicious
-sounding.

Oh, now, Daddy, that's not fair.

Merit's the most honest man I've ever
known.

In fact, I'm gonna prove it to you.

We're going to Bakersfield.

Hey, Colt's looking this way.

Wake up, sleeping beauty.

Say, we both get our hands on Dorney.

How do I know he won't interfere with my
bringing him back for bounty?

I don't care how he's caught.

The important thing to me is the outcome
of the trial.

All right.

Well, I don't believe this.

I slept all night in this outfit.

Yeah, you know, they say it's bad for your
skin to sleep all night in your makeup.

The

red car's been parked there all night.

Yeah.

So?

Somebody's blowing smoke out the window.

We're

here to help you and protect you.

Hey, believe him.

Believe him, Merit.

As soon as I heard Dorney had skipped
bail, I knew he was coming after me.

Well, my account, he's already tried to
k*ll you three times.

He's not gonna stop now unless we do
something about it.

What we do is keep our ears to the ground
and wait for him to strike again.

Oh, sure.

Well, you guys wait till he blows me away.

You grab him and you've got an ironclad
case, right?

Look, thanks, but no thanks.

I'd rather take my chances on my own.

Merit, what if I could take the
uncertainty out of it?

Draw Dorney out exactly where we want him
while you're still completely protected.

You're forgetting who's conducting this
investigation, Seavers.

Look, we tried it your way.

Now we're gonna try it mine.

You know, I'm half tempted to give you
enough rope to hang yourself with.

What do you say?

You have to put him away?

All right.

Tell him what you want me to do.

Nothing for the moment.

Howie, I want you to stay here with Merit.

Julie, I want you to go to the club,
pick up all of Merit's stuff.

Tell him you won't be able to perform
tonight.

Mullins and I will be back in an hour.

You are coming.

I wouldn't miss this for the world.

Okay, cowboy, what's the big plan?

All we have to do is to
make sure Dorney thinks he

has one and one opportunity
only to nail Thorson.

Well, even if I had
this perfect information

to bring him out, how
am I gonna get it to him?

He didn't exactly leave me his phone
number.

Well, you go back to the informant I
ripped off for you.

He knows how to reach Dorney.

You gotta be kidding.

He's gonna do me a favor?

He's gotta know you were working for me.

Exactly.

I'm depending on him to double-cross you.

Leo.

My problem is my bait's disappearing on
me.

At three o'clock, Thorson gets court
-appointed protective custody.

When I turn him over at the airport,
I've got no way of smoking out Dorney.

Sad story.

I need a new lead.

Leo, I'm willing to pay you another $5,000
if you just put me on his tail.

Let me poke around again.

You check back with me tomorrow.

If I have anything, I'll let you know.

Thanks.

Get Dorney on the phone.

Tell him for the right price, he can have
some very valuable information, huh?

You wanna hurry it up in the shower?

You're not the only one dying to get
changed, you know.

All right, I'll be out in a minute.

It's Rhonda and some older guy.

It's her father.

Quick, hide in here.

What do you mean, hide?

They've already seen me.

Oh, Grace, why don't you just tell them
the truth?

No, you don't know her father.

No.

Look, you can't let them know you're a
man, Howie.

What?

What are they gonna think?

Merritt?

Look, I'll tell you what, I'll be out in
two shakes, okay?

Oh, man.

Won't you come in?

My name's Denise.

Where's Merritt?

Oh, Merritt's in the shower.

I told you, that man's a scoundrel.

Oh, it's not what you think.

I work with Merritt.

I bet you do.

I'm a musician at the club where Merritt
plays.

Merritt?

I think we better go home.

Dad.

Rhonda!

What a surprise.

Um, you know Daddy?

Colonel Payne?

As always, a pleasure, Sir.

Now, Sir, I can't say the same for you.

It seems we have caught you at a very bad
time.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, not at all, Sir.

Uh...

What we were doing was, Denise and I just
finished going over some material.

Ah-ah.

Oh, uh, shouldn't you be getting back to
the club by now?

Well, no, not just yet.

We've got to wait for our friends to show
up.

Friends?

Okay, I got all your stuff from the club,
but...

Rudolph said that if you
don't show up for tonight's

gig, you're not gonna get
paid for the whole week.

Oh, Jody dear.

Don't worry about it.

You're that woman with the casting agent.

Merritt, would you please tell me what's
going on here?

I'd like to ask the same question.

I'd like you to meet Colonel Payne.

He's the father of Merritt's fiancée.

Oh!

How do you do?

Listen, honey.

This is one time you just got to trust me.

I, uh, hope you understand, young lady,
that that's nothing against you.

It's just that I'm, uh, concerned about my
daughter's welfare.

Well, of course.

And I can assure you... that my relationship
with Merritt is strictly professional.

Well, no.

You'll dishonor me if
you believe that I would

think anything else of
such a charming lady.

Oh!

I have something very important to do in a
little while.

And as soon as I'm done, I'm going back to
the club for one more set.

And then I promise you I'm coming right
back here, okay?

Will you hang in there with me till then?

Hello?

Okay, Colt.

Colt wants us to meet him downstairs.

Hey, if I don't get out of these ridiculous
clothes pretty soon, I'm gonna go nuts.

Hey, thanks for playing along up there.

You just saved my future marriage.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Come on, let's go.

You sure you don't want us to come along?

Well, too many of us and Dourning might
not risk servicing.

Besides, I need you's insurance in case the
information we planted didn't get to him.

You want us in the club?

Well, if Dourning loses the scent,
that'll be the first place he'll look.

Thank God you didn't have a sister.

For your sake, I hope your information is
reliable.

Vince, if he's headed for the airport,
I know just the place for the k*ll.

John, I want you to hedge my bid for him.

How so?

If you don't hear from me by four o'clock,
that means something went wrong.

Then it's up to you to take care of
service.

All right, I'll cover it.

Thank God it's over.

I got asthma.

Colt, I just want to say thank you for
everything.

I gotta get back to the club now.

I've got one more performance to do.

Yeah, well, I'll give you a ride with my
truck.

Looks like it's out of commission.

Yeah, well, uh, if it's all the same to
you, I think I'll take a cab.

See ya.

I guess I just picked the wrong two guys.

Yeah, well, let's hope you find the wrong
judge next.

Thanks for your help, Seavers.

I think I can handle it from here.

Wait a minute.

He's all yours as soon as I have to turn
him over to the L.A.

police.

Sorry, pal.

I need this collar more than you do.

Wait a minute.

I thought you were just in this for the
conviction.

That'd be nice, too.

You mean I went through all of this for
nothing?

Oh, heck no.

You got your friend Merritt off the hook.

Look, it's all bygones from here.

Thanks, chump.

I'll see you around.

How am I supposed to get out of here?

Call your friends.

Talk about your dirty Harry.

Well, I had him.

Mullins pulled the old cleanin' jerk.

Guess who the jerk was.

I don't know how I could give you a pretty
good run for your money right now.

Strangest thing is, Dorning didn't seem
all that upset by his arrest.

Oh, well, maybe the fight just went out of
him.

Not to a guy like Dorning.

You know, wait a minute.

That time at the hotel, that couldn't have
been him in that car.

That guy was smokin'.

Dorning doesn't smoke.

He has severe asthma.

I don't understand.

That means that he's got somebody out
there workin' for him.

That's why he was so cool.

He's got an accomplice.

And then, as long as he can prevent
Thornton from testifying, he's never gonna

face anything tougher than attempted
m*rder.

That's right, exactly.

Where's Merritt now?

He's at the club doing his final set.

We better hurry.

You

hear any longer?

No, you're right, Daddy.

You're right.

We should have done this a long time ago.

We'll go see Merritt performing.

Then you can see for yourself what a
sensitive, talented man he really is.

Well, since I've come this far... I warn
you, I never change my mind about him.

Do you know where Merritt is?

Merritt, Merritt, Merritt.

I think Merritt isn't here right now.

Well, I know he's gonna be performing
tonight.

Um, let's just wait for him, okay,
Daddy?

I'll go get us a table.

Uh, well, you... Hey, did I remember
you, uh, saying you were a musician?

Yes, yes, you could say that.

I'm something of a music lover myself.

Oh, all right.

Yeah, all right.

Well, it wouldn't surprise me if we
discovered we had a lot more in common.

More than you know.

Ah.

Uh-huh.

Refreshingly different.

Uh, so I'm not sure you're going to like
the, uh, entertainment here.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm not averse to a poppin' a song now and
then.

Uh... I do the normative,
and I shake a leg.

Under the right circumstances.

With the right woman.

Well, I'm gonna be good.

Oh, yeah, love, love.

I'm not the sort of a guy that beats
around the bush.

What I'm trying to say is I think you're a
very handsome woman.

Is that embarrassing?

Oh, no, no, no.

It's very flattering.

Well, then you come on over to the table,
huh?

No, I couldn't do it.

Oh, nothing for me, thank you.

I don't understand it.

No one seemed to even know Merritt.

Just for the sake of it, I want to give
you a hand.

Don't you love us once you get to know us?

I'll be right back, Daddy.

All right.

Excuse me, my...

My daughter seems very upset.

Colonel, don't trust another woman,
Colonel.

She'd rather be alone.

You just keep my place warm.

I'll be right back.

We have so much to talk about,
Colonel.

You stay right here, you marvelous
creature, you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you've
enjoyed the first portion of our show.

There will be a short intermission.

Merritt, it is you.

Rhonda, just listen to me, please.

I can explain everything.

There's so much you don't know.

You mean besides the fact that my fiancé
wears pantyhose?

Rhonda!

Somebody tell me what's going on here.

Dad, please, could you just wait outside?

Who's this woman?

I'm going to be ill.

I'm going to be ill.

Sir, I was just about to
tell Rhonda that there's

a very good reason
why I'm dressed like this.

Please, spare me the sordid details of
your upbringing.

You don't understand.

You see, I'm the key witness in a m*rder
trial.

They were trying to k*ll me.

Rhonda, I tried to warn
you, but you wouldn't

listen to an old
fogey like your father.

A man is a pervert!

Merritt, how could you do this?

But you didn't fool me for a minute.

Oh, Denise.

Oh, I'm sorry you had to see all this.

Sir, I love your daughter.

Can't you understand that?

What you want is to get your hands on her
wardrobe.

Cover the front.

I'll check backstage.

We'll get you the best help we can find.

I can't believe this.

People were trying to k*ll me.

I don't believe it.

It's a lie.

One step closer and she gets it.

You're not very ladylike.

He really was telling the truth.

I'm sorry I ever doubted you.

It's okay.

It's over now.

Oh, sorry.

Sir, if you just give me ten minutes,
all of this will make sense.

I'm afraid I have a little confession to
make, too.

You didn't think for one moment.

I didn't really know.

Oh, for God's sake.

I bet half of those women on the stage are
fakes.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Who

wants more ice or beer?

Well, not me.

I'm stuck.

Hey, does anyone want a fortune cookie?

Let's see what Confucius has to say.

Listen to this one.

You have found your lifelong partner.

Marry him without delay.

I tell you, I have had
enough gender confusion

in the past week
to last me a lifetime.

Well, at least it all worked out for the
best.

Daddy gave us his blessing today.

Great.

Hey, that's fantastic.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Now, if you guys hadn't been there,
there really wouldn't be much to celebrate.

I wonder if that snake of an FBI agent,
Mullins, got a promotion out of all of this.

Not after the phone call I made to his
superiors.

Hmm.

Ed, once you guys are married,
who's gonna wear the pants in the family?

Who cares as long as I wear the dress?

I'm gonna wear the dress.

I'm gonna wear the dress.