Nocturne, nocturne
Once again the night
Is coming on
[audience cheering loudly]
Hey, London, what's up? Hello.
Let's start. All rise.
You actually did it.
Sit the f*ck down.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles raucously]
I've always wanted to do that sh*t, man.
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]
Jesus Christ!
[audience laughing]
He's not here. He's not here!
He sent me.
Nocturne
[Vir] What's up, Mumbai? Hello.
[audience cheering loudly]
I have good news, and I have bad news.
-Which one would you like to hear first?
-[audience] Bad news.
-Most Indian answer ever.
-[audience laughing]
Because in India, someone else's bad news
[audience muttering indistinctly,
chuckling]
The bad news is this.
I'm really happy. [snaps fingers]
-[man 1] Whoa!
-Yeah.
But the good news is I'll talk about it
and hopefully, it'll just go away.
'Cause when we talk about our happiness,
Indian people violate a rule that
we've been taught since the British Raj,
"Happiness is silence."
Right? This is why if you ask any Indian,
"Are you happy?"
we'll be like [grunts softly]
-[audience laughing]
-[grunts]
Now, don't be confused.
This is not a confirmation.
This is not a denial.
This is a misdirection.
[audience laughing]
This is not us going, "I don't know."
This is us going,
"I don't want you to know.
I only want God to know."
[audience laughing]
'Cause you got to be honest with God,
right, guys?
God talks to us, yes?
God says things like,
"I love you. Be strong. Vote for me."
[audience laughing loudly]
Streets clear up
Phones
-[Vir] What's up, New York? You're good?
-[audience] Yeah!
All right, let me tell you a story.
Well, a backstory.
I just shot my new Netflix Special, man.
It cuts between London and Mumbai,
and it's a show I wrote in silence.
Well, rewrote.
And the silence is my fault by the way.
Because the I don't know.
Things were going well.
And I think I got a little arrogant.
And I think
the universe can sense arrogance.
Uh, I was in a hotel room in London.
[laboured breathing]
Six weeks before I was supposed to take
my new Netflix Special
in a church in London
and a stadium in Mumbai,
something in the Universe went
[laboured, drawn-out wheezing]
And I woke up without a voice.
[inhales] Hmm
Biggest show of my career,
six weeks to go.
My voice wasn't sore, it was just gone.
Broken, silent.
It's like the government in my body
had changed.
[audience laughing]
And my family was like,
"You've been sharing too much good news."
[audience chuckles]
You've activated the evil eye.
I'll explain, American people.
The evil eye is ill-wishers.
But they do not do ill to you.
They just casually wish ill upon you.
[audience chuckles]
They've combined evil with delegation.
[audience chuckling]
They wish, right?
They'll just blow an eyelash
and be like, "Give him
erectile dysfunction." [blows]
[audience laughing]
Which I don't mean to mock.
I'm sure it's quite hard.
-But, uh
-[audience laughing]
[scattered chuckles]
But the evil eye's
a powerful force.
Right? And in India, we call the evil eye
[audience] Nazar.
Family, that's right. Yes.
[audience laughing, applauding]
Speaking of family,
it is so f*cking good to be home.
What's up, Mumbai?
What's up, London?
What's up, New York?
Good to see you guys.
[audience applauding and cheering loudly]
[Vir speaks indistinctly]
[audience continues cheering]
["Nocturne" playing faintly]
[audience continues cheering]
The minute you share good news
the evil eye is activated.
Observe. I will share some good news.
Ready?
So, uh, I won a tiny Emmy Award,
all right? And, uh
-[audience cheering loudly]
-Thank you, thank you.
Thank you for supporting my comedy,
and, uh, my family thanks you as well.
Guys, the artist you're watching
is now critically acclaimed. [chuckles]
Except the acclaim comes
from white people, so nobody gives a f*ck.
[scattered laughter]
White validation is brown kryptonite.
[scattered laughter continues]
Everybody is like,
"He has betrayed his country."
I know what you're thinking.
"Vir, kryptonite is green."
No, that's white money,
which is a brown magnet,
which is why you live here,
and you have betrayed your country.
[audience laughing]
-[Vir] Evil eye.
-[scattered laughter]
No, I get it. A lot of people
were conflicted when I won the award,
because I'm an English comedian in India.
And we have this post-colonial resentment
of the English language.
We equate English with privilege. Correct?
Falsely so, by the way.
There are many countries in the world
where people speak great English,
who are dirt poor.
For instance, the country of England.
[audience chuckling]
If you speak good English,
they're like, "Vir Das is not relatable.
Not relatable."
Yeah, neither was Oppenheimer.
[audience laughing]
You watched that sh*t, no?
Why're you so insecure?
Why do you need to be "related to"
all the f*cking time?
Did you watch Oppenheimer like, "I just
don't see myself in the mushroom cloud."
[audience laughing]
Although give Putin five years
[scattered laughter]
But in India, there's a spectrum.
If your English is very bad,
we will judge you.
But if your English is very good
-[audience] Judge you.
-we will judge you, right?
It's this
this Appu - Vivek Ramaswamy spectrum.
[audience laughing and applauding]
Right? This
This Mowgli - Rishi Sunak spectrum.
[audience laughing]
This Kangana - Tharoor spectrum.
-Right? They were also--
-[audience cheering and applauding loudly]
The night that I won my Emmy Award,
two Indian critics,
mainstream critics got on TV.
And one of them was like,
"I don't like Vir Das."
And she was like, "Why?"
She said, "His English is too good."
You you can't be mad at people
because they enunciate.
I'm sorry, Mumbai,
to enunciate means that you, uh
[audience laughing and cheering]
We're not the best, right guys?
This first girl I hooked up in Mumbai
Every time we'd hook up, she'll be like,
"Ey, suno, let's bang, no, men?"
[audience laughing]
-"Ey, suno, let's bang no men"
-[audience chuckles]
Then we would have consensual sex
while assaulting two languages.
[audience laughing]
You get judged, man.
Like I remember once,
one of India's top Hindi comedians
came up to me and he was like,
"Vir, you're too global.
Indian stand-up is not global.
You sound privileged.
You have to sound relatable, like us."
And then he left in a Range Rover.
[audience laughs]
And that's when you realize
the most privileged people in the world
don't speak English, don't need English.
Think about it.
Jack Ma - Mandarin.
Mukesh Ambani - Gujarati.
Elon Musk - X.
-No English is required.
-[audience laughing]
Then I got taken
to England's top vocal doctor.
And he informed me
that I had massive vocals cysts
on both of my vocal cords.
[man speaks indistinctly]
And he said, "Mr. Das,
it could be seven months
before you speak properly again.
But you know, look at Djokovic.
Injured, out for six months.
Does so much physio,"
[snaps fingers] "back in five weeks.
You just gotta find
a Djokovic inside you."
[scattered laughter]
Do you know how patronizing it is
to compare a comedian
to a professional athlete?
That's equivalent to like,
if his patient dies,
and I'm like,
"I know it's sad but look at Jesus."
[audience chuckling]
"Crucified, out for eternity,
does so much physio"
-[snaps fingers]
-[audience chuckling]
-"Back in three days!"
-[audience chuckling]
-"You just gotta find a Jesus inside you."
-[audience chuckling]
Can you imagine a brown man with a beard
telling a white man to find Jesus?
[audience chuckles]
The last guy who did that was Jesus.
[audience chuckling]
[scattered applause]
But I'm training.
I just fired my American trainer.
I got a proper Indian trainer, right?
Speaks Hindi, has a paunch.
[audience chuckling]
'Cause this western guy kept saying
all this privileged sh*t
I didn't understand.
He said, [in American accent]
"Mr. Das, if you wanna get really lean,
we gotta feed and fast, feed and fast.
We gotta surprise your body."
[in Indian accent] I was like,
"Bro, I live in Mumbai.
If I wanna surprise my body,
I will cross the road."
[audience laughing and cheering]
"I will be much leaner
when there is an SUV on top of my body."
Random privileged sh*t. "Mr. Das,
are you having any antioxidants?"
I'm like, "The AQI is 599 right now.
What oxygen
are you referring to in Mumbai?"
At this point, my body converts
monoxide into dioxide.
I am an antioxidant.
We have lost half the crowd, by the way.
Half the crowd is gone, right?
They're like,
"Why's he teaching science?
Did not come here to learn about oxygen!"
[chuckles] "Just make me laugh, bro.
Don't make me think!"
This is you!
In the comments, "Just make me laugh, bro!
Don't make me think."
Get someone to tickle you,
you basic b*tch, all right?
[audience laughing, cheering, applauding]
Random privileged sh*t.
"Uh, Mr. Das,
what're your thoughts on probiotics?"
Do you guys know about probiotics here?
"Your thoughts on probiotics?"
And I was like, "I believe
in a woman's right to choose."
[audience chuckling]
-"I am probiotic."
-[scattered chuckles]
He was like, "Mr. Das,
you're making a mistake."
And I said, "I shouldn't have to live with
that mistake for the rest of my life."
[audience laughing]
This trainer it was so hard
not to sound like him
when I was talking to him.
-Indian people we have a horrible habit.
-[audience chuckles]
When we talk to somebody
with a foreign accent,
like a dementor, we inhale their accent.
-[inhales deeply]
-[audience laughing]
[scattered, amused chuckles]
And do their accent back to their face.
[audience chuckles]
Like, a sweet French guy
will come over to your house for dinner.
He'll be like,
[in French accent] "This is magnifique.
Could I have
some more chicken tikka, please?"
[in normal voice] You will walk
into your own kitchen,
look at your Indian mother
and be like, [in French accent]
"He would like some more chicken tikka."
[audience laughing and applauding]
[in normal voice] Your mother will come,
look at the French guy and be like,
[in French accent] "Beta,
would you like some more"
[audience laughing]
[in normal voice] Now the French guy
is f*cking terrified, right?
He's like, [in Indian accent]
"Uh, Aunty, I would like some more"
[audience laughing]
[cheering and applauding continues]
Now, you're just three racists
surrounding a cold piece of chicken tikka.
To get rid of the evil eye, six pundits,
six priests were sent over to my house,
and they did an 8-hour worship ritual,
where they built a shivling
out of milk and ghee and ice
that stood by itself
six feet into the air.
One of the most beautiful things
I've ever seen.
I was like, "Can you complete
the bridges in Mumbai, please?"
[audience chuckling]
And the pundit was like,
"Now, you need to pray every night."
I couldn't talk to the pundit,
and I was like, "Well, that's
kind of why I hired you."
[scattered chuckles]
And he was like,
"Oh, we don't pray for you.
We just make sure
that your prayer is heard first."
[scattered chuckles]
I was like, "So, you are
like the TSA precheck"
[audience chuckling]
-"of God?"
And he was like,
"Yeah, take your shoes off."
[audience laughing]
I don't pray that much, right?
Like, I casually take God's name
during orgasms and deadlifts, right?
[audience laughing]
Which, for me,
are very similar experiences, guys.
-You know, my knees don't cooperate.
-[audience chuckling]
[moaning] Looking in a mirror
You know, the very
[audience chuckling]
[chuckles] But, like
Like, I talk to God. Like the other day,
I was praying because I lost my passport.
Like, you, sir, can get
a new passport in 24 hours
if you have contacts in the government.
Except for me, contact with the government
is why I need my passport.
[audience laughing]
So, if I lose my passport,
I haven't lost my passport.
God has taken my passport.
And I just find religion
You know, when I'm desperate,
I laugh, right?
So, I was like, [chuckles]
"God, listen, I cannot
tell jokes to a world
I do not get to see."
And then all of a sudden,
a file in front of me flew open.
I heard a noise, which was like
[mimics wind blowing explosively]
And my passport, I swear to God,
was five feet away, inside that file,
like, hidden under this paper
where some jokes were written.
And I was so happy
I cried happy tears over a piece of paper.
The last time I did that
a pregnancy test came negative.
[audience laughing]
I needed my passport
because I went to Australia.
-Uh
-[scattered chuckles]
I'm sorry, any Australians
in the audience? Make some noise.
-[scattered] Whoa!
-Good to see you. I like your country.
I mean, you guys are, na,
you're like, England's Bangladesh.
[audience laughing and cheering]
Is that a ?
-[audience continues laughing]
-Sorry, I apologise.
I apologise, I'm sorry.
-You're New Zealand's Pakistan.
-[audience continues laughing loudly]
[audience applauding and whistling]
Here's what happened. I follow rules
when I'm at airports abroad.
I never wanna embarrass India abroad
unless it's at a large theatre.
[audience chuckles]
And this old Aussie lady
picked me out of line.
Full of white people
and she was like, "You sir,
you're gonna check your bag in."
I was like, "Madam
it's under 9 kilos, only one item."
She was like, "No!
you're gonna check your bag in."
I was pissed off.
Would you be pissed off?
[audience] Yes.
I was like, "Are you gonna check
any of the white people?"
All white people were like, "f*ck!
Now she's gonna check the white people!"
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]
She just pointed at me
and she was like, "No, just you!"
I was delighted. I was.
I was like, "Oh, my God!
It's an OG r*cist."
[audience chuckling]
It's like seeing the Northern Lights.
You're like,
"I've seen in books and movies,
but it's so much more impressive
in person."
You never see
an OG r*cist in a modern setting.
It f*ck with your brain, right?
It's like seeing a n*zi drink Boba tea.
[audience laughing]
Which I would pay
good money to see, yo! [chuckles]
Full SS uniforms
[mimics slurping noisily]
He
He heil
-Heil Hitler!
-[scattered chuckles]
I really do feel
racists are a marginalized community.
[audience chuckling]
Have you considered the struggle
of being a r*cist?
To identify as a bigot
but to be trapped
inside an intelligent person's body.
[audience laughing]
Racists have no public platforms.
It's just 80% of American podcast.
-That's it, right?
-[audience chuckling]
All of their good ideas have been stolen,
culturally appropriated from racists.
Racists came up with the *-word,
Hip Hop [mimics swishing] took it.
[audience cheering]
Racists came up with segregation,
pickleball [mimics swishing] took it.
[audience chuckles]
Racists came up with sl*very,
Apple [mimics swishing] took it.
[audience laughing loudly]
All their good ideas are gone.
Then what is the life of a r*cist?
You make a tiny Paki like me
check his luggage.
Then you go home
and have quiet missionary sex
under a picture of Churchill.
[audience laughing]
What's
[laughing continues]
Picture of Winston Churchill
it's got to be missionary.
[audience chuckling]
You can't do a**l under Churchill.
[audience laughing]
Churchill has never seen, uh
[audience chuckling]
"colon"isation.
[audience laughing,
cheering and applauding]
-I
-[audience applauding and cheering]
I'm walking into first class.
She keeps smiling at me
with victory in her eyes.
Something in me snapped.
Usually, Indian people,
we shut up and take it, right?
I was like, "Madam,
I hope an Indian marries your daughter."
[audience laughing loudly]
I hope her daughter comes home
with a beautiful Indian man.
-f*cking Dev Patel's face
-[audience chuckles]
-with Sadhguru's mustache [chuckles]
-[audience chuckles]
on, like, my body.
They have to sleep in the next room
and listen to weird Indian-Aussie mix sex
coming through the wall all night long.
Yes, "Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!"
"Oye! Hoye! Hoye!"
[audience laughing loudly]
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-[chuckles] Just
Just Hah! Tu! [mimics engine revving]
[audience laughing hysterically]
Guys, she was 65.
You gotta have empathy.
It is possible
to love an old r*cist, right?
Indians, go to your family
WhatsApp group right now.
[audience chuckling]
Fun fact, if you cannot find a r*cist
in your family WhatsApp group,
you're the f*cking r*cist.
[audience laughing]
Don't be don't be ashamed.
One of my grand aunts,
legendary Islamophobe.
-[audience chuckling]
-Legendary!
Platinum member frequent flyer bigot.
[audience laughing]
Every time she saw me do stand-up,
she'll be like, "Hai Allah!"
[audience chuckles]
I was like, "Don't you"
[chuckles] "hate Muslims?"
She'll be like, "Yeah, but when
I'm disappointed, I invoke their god."
[audience laughing and cheering]
Why bother our own?
Then I got taken
to Adele's speech therapist.
[hums and blows]
She has the same problem as me,
same level of talent.
-And, uh [chuckles]
-[audience chuckling and cheering loudly]
It's this tiny Jewish lady
who charges a lot of money,
and she gave me this.
-This is a kazoo.
-[scattered laughter]
She was like, [in Jewish accent] "When you
can play, 'happy birthday' on the kazoo,
you're ready
for theatrical performances again."
And I was like, "When you can do burpees
on a marshmallow carpet,
you're ready for an appendectomy,
because I thought we were playing a game
where we said
f*cking nonsense sentences to each other."
[audience chuckling]
This is impossible to make a noise out of.
[blowing]
Doesn't happen.
The noise has to come from within.
Every day, 20 times a day,
I was like [blows shrill quacks]
Do you know how many ducks
have shown up to my house
[audience laughing and applauding]
-looking for action [chuckles]
-[audience chuckles]
and received it
[audience laughing loudly]
because we are speaking
the same language?
-[audience chuckling]
-[chuckles]
Duck shows up, I'm like
[plays sultry music on kazoo ]
[audience cheering and applauding]
[continues playing sultry music on kazoo]
[audience cheering loudly]
[audience applauding]
You got your money's worth, right?
Musical performance.
[scattered laughter]
But she was like, "Mr. Das,
you've been using your voice wrong
for 20 years."
And I was like,
"How left-wing intellectual of you."
[audience chuckling]
This is why I like the younger generation.
Anybody here, 18 to 25? Make some noise.
-[audience squealing]
-I like you guys.
'Cause you're outspoken,
you're not silent, you share.
You're brave. You put yourself out there.
We give you feedback,
you get triggered, we laugh.
-That's the system.
-[audience laughing and applauding]
[Vir] That's great! That's
That's why we [chuckles]
That's why we let you believe
you have your own truth.
[audience chuckles]
-Your truth is our content.
-[audience laughing]
Hi, I have two nephews.
They are the generation below Gen Z.
What are they called?
-Morons? I
-[audience laughing]
My nephews are 14.
I took them to a museum.
My nephew is super pissed off
that a massive European painting
will not fit into his phone this way.
[audience chuckling]
And I was like,
"f*ck! Just turn your phone."
And he's like,
"Vir mama, you don't understand.
The world has changed.
Life is vertical."
[audience laughing]
I was like,
"I'm gonna change my will now."
[audience laughing]
"I'm not gonna cut you off.
I will leave you everything I have
if you cremate me vertical."
[audience laughing]
"With these eyes open, I wanna look down
at the family while I burn, all right?
And I want a DJ playing, like,
techno music behind me, right?
I want it to be like,
sunburn meets sati, all right? And"
[audience laughing]
"And like, grief meets
Glastonbury, all right? Like
Like burning man meets burning man."
[audience laughing]
"And I want you to" [chuckles]
"film the entire thing
and upload it to Instagram,
and just caption it, 'Vir mama! Lit!'"
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
Which is almost the perfect caption
for a cremation, right?
So easily manipulated
because you commodify distraction.
All you wanna do is have the drop.
You can do one-hour show for Gen Z
with one punchline.
"Just delay the drop!"
[scattered laughter]
"Vir mama, the world has changed.
Life is vertical."
[raps] The world has changed
The world has changed,
Changed, changed, changed, Vir Mama
Changed, changed, changed,
Changed, changed, changed, Vir Mama
Life, life, life, life,
Life, life , life, life
Life, life, life, life, life
Is vertical [rapid vocalizations]
Life is vertical
[audience cheering and applauding]
[cheering, whistling
and applauding continues]
-Look at your stupid faces, right?
-[audience chuckling]
All the adults are like,
"What is happening?"
[chuckles] "I want a refund."
Gen Z is like, "Let him cook, bro!"
[audience laughing]
And that is a perfect caption
for a cremation.
[audience laughing]
Then four weeks before the stadium show,
I tried homeopathy.
Anybody doesn't know
what homeopathy is make some noise.
-[scattered clapping]
-Yeah, I'll explain.
So, sir, a homeopath
is a lonely virgin man
[audience chuckling]
who sits in a two-foot by two-foot room
surrounded by white powder, all right?
It's It's like a closet at a Diddy party.
-[splutters]
-[audience chuckles]
And he gave me white powder
to put in my f*cking face.
I was like, "What is this?"
and he was like, "Doesn't matter."
[audience chuckles]
So now, eight times a day,
I put white powder into my f*cking face.
I don't even do stand-up anymore.
I work in finance.
[audience laughing]
I'm an addict.
[scattered cheers and laughter]
Here's the problem with your generation.
-Um
-[audience laughing]
You got addicted
to performative validation
on dopamine devices.
You guys are obsessed with identity.
Not personality.
So, when you put yourself out there,
it's what you are, not who you are.
So, you're trying
to gather and broadcast labels
'cause they all represent
shots of dopamine.
from the internet that you're addicted to.
So you're not just a human being.
You're a polyamorous, ADHD, vegan,
juggler, who's religiously agnostic,
but Avengers Adjacent, right?
And listen, I
I don't wanna patronize you,
but as you get older,
you discover that the world
is really f*cking basic. Right, grownups?
[murmured ascent]
Amulya, there are only two types
of people in the entire world.
There are assholes
and there are people
who deal with assholes.
-That's it. That's the entire world.
-[audience applauding and cheering]
Let's not be unevolved, there are
intersectional assholes in the world.
There are black assholes, white assholes,
straight assholes, g*y assholes,
trans assholes.
On the flipside,
some vegans are nice people.
[audience laughing]
People are nuanced.
They're complex. Right, London?
I'm just saying
even Adolf Hitler was a dog lover.
Remember?
Side note. How confused
do you think Hitler's dog was?
[audience laughing]
Dog only understands visuals,
not politics, right?
If you're Hitler's dog,
every time your dad is outside,
your dad is like
[mimics Hitler's fiery speech in German]
Never throws a ball.
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding and cheering]
Then when you're silent,
what you discover is
you make up your own sign language
that nobody understands but you.
I looked at my assistant.
I wanted a decaf black and I was like
[whispers] "I would like a decaf black."
[audience chuckles]
[in normal voice] He was like, "What?"
I'm like, [whispers] "a decaf black."
"What?" [chuckles]
I was like,
[whispers] "Your mother is a wh*re."
[audience laughing]
[in normal voice]
"You wanna a decaf black?"
[audience laughing]
Everybody around you gets quiet as well.
Everybody is like, "Oh, my God!"
[whispers] "You've lost your voice!"
-[voice fades] "That's so sad."
-[audience chuckles]
[whispers] "Would you like a decaf black?"
[audience chuckles]
[mouths] "Yes!"
[scattered laughter]
And you discover that when one person
breaks silence is contagious.
And I get it because
if you ever land into controversy
by choice or not by choice,
you become a story.
And the problem
of becoming a story is, uh
you're milked for attention
no matter where you go.
Every time I was in New York,
or somewhere in the UK, a white journalist
would show up and they'll be like,
[accented] "Oh my God!
Can we do like a 9000-word exclusive on
how you're being silent on your plight?"
[subdued laughter]
"I'm sorry, my plight?
Forgive me, madam. It feels like you need
some sort of eastern-oppression story
to feel better
about where you live. All right?"
-Listen, somebody's--
-[audience cheering]
Somebody's plight is like their erection.
All right?
I know it's hard to look at,
but it's rude to point it out.
[audience laughing]
And she's like, "You don't understand.
Our audience is huge
and they're gonna sympathise."
I'm like, "My audience is small,
but they're going to empathise, alright?"
-Sympathy
-[audience cheering and applauding loudly]
Sympathy is a porn video
that you watch for pleasure.
Empathy is an orgy.
We're all getting f*cked together.
[scattered laughter]
Now, listen, about 30% of you
responded to that joke.
[scattered laughter]
And I need you to stay back
after the show.
[audience laughing heartily]
[chuckles] That was
not a metaphor.
[audience chuckles]
"How's the Vir Das show?"
"He does a lot of crowd work.
-It's really intense."
-[audience laughing]
I genuinely think
that if you don't put them on the spot,
if you give them a safe space,
if you give them anonymity,
most people will have
an honest conversation.
Tell the truth and they know
right from wrong. Would you agree?
Right? I think so.
Let's find out.
Turn the lights out, Shastri.
[scattered chuckles]
Kavi, put the lights out.
[scattered chuckles]
[people whooping and cheering]
[audience continues cheering]
[Vir] Yeah, so the Christmas tree
doesn't go off.
[audience laughing loudly]
I have five electricians on my crew,
nobody could f*cking figure this out.
[audience chuckling]
And this Special is gonna come out
in the summer, behenchods!
-So--
-[audience laughing hysterically]
[audience cheering and applauding]
British people, so we be honest
with each other, shall we?
-[man 2 whoops]
-[Vir chuckles]
Every time something happens
in your country,
80% of the world
has zero sympathy for you.
[audience laughing]
[Vir] I'm sorry.
It's just not been long enough.
[audience chuckles]
[Vir] You f*cked around
and found out for so long
with so many countries,
and now you have the gall to complain
about too much diversity in England.
[scattered laughter]
[Vir] At this point, we don't even want
reparations anymore. Do we, Indian people?
At this point, I don't want your monarch
to return the Kohinoor.
I want him to swallow it.
[audience applauding and cheering]
[cheering continues]
[Vir] Let's see if God
really can save the King.
[audience chuckling]
Let's have an honest conversation
right now. Do you wanna try?
[scattered] Yes!
If we are being honest with each other,
you know
that since 2019,
we've all felt monitored and monetised.
That we are fed this story
of good vs evil,
but with every passing year
it just makes less and less sense
that we are worshiping false heroes
and celebrating a lack of intelligence
because of a morally bankrupt middle class
that is obsessed with consumption
and a cult of power.
[audience cheering and applauding]
[Vir] Every single Indian person here
knows that since 2019,
there has not been a single good
Marvel movie and you know it, all right?
-These are bullshit heroes
-[audience cheering loudly]
[Vir] these are false stories.
Wait, what did you guys think
I was talking about?
[audience laughing]
Guys, that's just a joke about the MCU.
Speaking of which,
right now, nobody can see you.
[scattered laughter]
Nobody. You're safe.
Not the people above you, who ignore you.
Not the people below you, who you ignore.
[audience chuckling]
[Vir] But they can hear you.
Just make the noise
you want to be remembered for.
[subdued laughter]
[audience cheering and applauding loudly]
[cheering and applauding continues]
-[man 4 chants "Ganapati Bappa"]
-[laughs]
[audience laughs]
[Vir] As an outsider,
humbly, I just wanna say,
"I think your empire is ending."
[scattered laughter]
[Vir] It feels that way.
On the outside, you're kind of
like the hot girl from high school,
who's back at the reunion
[scattered laughter]
and now she's mad
that everybody else is hot too.
[audience laughing]
[Vir] And China is the principal and
[audience whooping and cheering]
And I think I know, like,
it's because all the smart people
in your country
behave like such corrupt assholes,
you stop listening to them.
You started listening to stupid people,
who were slightly smarter than you are,
and convinced yourself
that those were the smart people.
And now the entire world kind of looks
at you the way you looked at Joe Biden.
[audience laughing and whooping]
[Vir] It's kind of like,
[drawn-out] "Ooh!"
[audience laughing]
[Vir] "He doesn't know
where he is anymore."
[audience laughing]
[Vir] Let's just stay in this darkness
for a second. [chuckles]
[audience laughing]
-[Vir] In case someone has a g*n.
-[audience laughing loudly]
[Vir] All right, on the lights!
[audience cheering and applauding loudly]
I don't think America
will ever get rid of g*ns.
g*ns are your cricket.
[audience chuckling]
And I firmly believe that every American
should be allowed to buy a g*n
at any age without an ID.
-[scattered laughter]
-Hang on.
But I think you need to change
your g*n technology.
I think you need
to voice activate your g*ns.
Every time you wanna fire a b*llet,
the g*n will not fire
until you say something completely
and perfectly into the g*n in your voice.
And I think what you have to say
is the entire 2nd Amendment.
[audience chuckling]
So, it will change g*n violence
forever, man.
Americans will be like,
"I'm a f*cking k*ll you
after I study for two weeks."
[audience laughing]
Two weeks later, he's like,
"In the United States of America"
[splutters] "a well-trained militia
for the security of the state,
the right to bear arms
shall never be infringed."
Think about how many people
can run away in that much time.
[audience chuckling]
If you make Apple handle your g*ns,
you will solve foreign terrorism forever.
With Siri?
[audience laughing]
If I show up with my accent
[in Indian accent] "Siri!"
[audience laughing]
"a well-trained militia
for the security of the state,
right to buy arms
shall never be infringed."
[in American accent] "There are
five Starbucks in your area."
[audience laughing and applauding]
[audience whooping]
-Oat milk cappuccino! [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
[in American accent]
"sh**t all Filipinos?"
[in Indian accent] "No! Hey!"
[audience laughing]
[Vir chuckles]
Guys, it's a tourist visa.
I'm not afraid of you.
-Do you understand?
-[audience chuckling]
[audience applauding and cheering]
[inhales deeply] I'm in therapy.
My therapist is this woman
who holds a cup of chamomile tea
two centimetres away from her face
the entire session
and never f*cking sips it.
[audience laughing]
And her taking a sip
is now the only hope I have in therapy.
[audience laughing]
f*cking Jedi! [chuckles]
The other day, she's like, "Mr. Das,
a lot of comedians
have cruelty in their childhood.
So their definition of love
becomes withholding."
And I was like, "Did you know
that a lion only f*ck for 30 seconds?"
And she's like, "I didn't know."
And I was like, "Good! 'Cause that means
one of us is bringing new information
into this conversation."
[audience laughing]
"Mr. Das, I'm just trying to see
if you have any childhood trauma."
I'm like, "b*tch!
I grew up in India and Africa.
-My trauma has childhood."
-[audience laughing]
These are my childhood traumas.
When I was 12 years old,
a bully kicked me in my teeth so hard
I swallowed my own tooth,
and I was hospitalized and made to hydrate
so I would poop out my own tooth,
and I never did.
And I'm afraid it's still in there.
And one day, I would get an x-ray,
and in the stomach of an adult male,
they will find a 12-year-old boy's tooth.
[audience laughing]
And they'll be like, "Mr. Das,
what did you have
for breakfast this morning?"
I'll be like, "No, it's childhood trauma."
and they'll be like, "Yeah,
for the child you f*ck' ate."
Listen, my parents knew
about mental health problems,
but they gave me
Indian solutions. [chuckles]
I'll be like, "Papa,
I have crippling anxiety."
'"Huh huh, you do jumping jacks."
-[audience laughing]
"Anxiety will jump out of your body.
Then you take turmeric for acid reflux."
[audience chuckling]
Before the stadium show, I tried something
called myofascial release.
Has anybody tried it?
[scattered] Yeah! Yes!
Let me tell you about this.
I was in Copenhagen,
and this muscular 6 4,
beautiful German man
with blonde hair and blue eyes
walked into my hotel room.
I was like, "If there's more of you,
you deserve a Ryke."
[audience chuckling]
And then he took his elbow,
which was the only non-muscular part
of his body,
and shoved into my buttock
and started to move it around.
And he started to stroke my hair.
And he was like, [accented]
"You have a sadness deep inside you."
[in normal voice] And I was like,
"No, I have a German deep inside me."
[audience laughing hysterically]
And he was like,
"Your throat chakra is fully blocked."
And I'm like, "That's 'cause you've shoved
my small intestine upwards inside it."
[audience laughing]
And he's like, "You must let go."
[whimpers] And I was like,
"I feel the same about you."
[audience laughing]
And he was like, "Release! Surrender."
And I surrendered to these beautiful,
strong German arms.
I felt like France.
[audience cheering]
And then, New York [chuckles]
I had this beautiful emotional release.
It was just shattering. I
I didn't cry. I farted for 42 seconds.
[audience chuckling]
-And then his throat chakra was blocked.
-[audience chuckling]
There's just coriander everywhere
in the room.
-[chuckles] I was mortified, right?
-[audience chuckles]
So I did the one thing every Indian does
when we're embarrassed abroad, right?
-I was like, "Sir, I'm from Pakistan."
-[audience chuckling and cheering]
[audience applauding]
-[loudly] It's fine!
-[audience laughing and cheering]
Can I tell you why I went to therapy?
-[scattered] Yeah.
-So I left and I did 186 shows abroad.
Burnt myself out.
My final show was in Singapore.
I was flying home, first class.
-And
-[audience laughing]
I woke up, the pursur was there
and I was like,
"How long till we land in Mumbai?"
And he was like,
"Oh, Mr. Das, this flight is to London.
It's 10 hours to LHR."
f*ck you!
"Not London, Mumbai."
[loudly] "We are flying to Mumbai!"
He's like, "Mr. Das,
calm down right now."
Because you know,
when a brown man with a beard
starts yelling
a new destination for the plane
[audience laughing and applauding]
[Vir] He was like, "Situation! Situation!"
[chuckles]
I had put a show on sale
in London last minute. It had sold out.
Right? I had bought a ticket,
boarded a flight.
Seventy-two hours of my life blacked out.
Just gone.
And then I got disoriented,
and I started to cry
in first class.
[audience chuckling]
It's tragic, guys.
I cried and I drank
Dom Prignon champagne,
and then
Then I whimpered and I put caviar
on melba toast. [chomps noisily]
[audience laughing]
I cried all the way to England,
wishing I was India.
I felt like Lady Mountbatten.
[audience laughing]
A lot of you did not get that joke.
[audience chuckling]
Shall I explain? I'll explain, all right.
-So guys, caviar is fish eggs. Uh
-[audience laughing loudly]
[audience applauding]
-Study your own history, behenchod!
-[audience chuckling]
All right. Sorry, white people
-Uh
-[audience laughing]
-Behenchod, uh
-[audience laughing]
When you're happy, behenchod is kind of
what the *-word is amongst black people.
Right? Fair? Say, "What up, behenchod?"
"Hey! He's my behenchod, right?"
But when you're unhappy, behenchod
is like the *-word amongst white people.
[audience laughing]
-Look at that, behenchod. Uh
-[audience laughing]
And I went to my therapist, and I'm like,
"I'm blocking out entire days."
[splutters] "Am I crazy?"
And she's like, "Mr. Das, it's 2024.
We don't use that word anymore."
I'm like, "I don't use dental floss.
That doesn't mean it doesn't exist."
[audience laughing]
She's like, "Mr. Das, you have a problem
sitting quietly with your emotions.
Have you ever been quiet
and happy at the same time?
Why don't you tell me a story?" [chuckles]
I'm like, "I cannot believe
I'm paying for storytelling."
[audience laughing]
And then I paid her the money to tell her
the story I just charged you for.
[audience laughing]
This f*ck all business model.
Two weeks before the stadium show I broke.
[muttering indistinctly]
You just cry.
And the thought that breaks you is
I'm a storyteller.
What if I don't get to
Or what if I do and it's not as
You just cry silently.
Which looks pathetic on a man.
It looks like an orgasm on mute.
[audience chuckles]
[audience laughing loudly]
It's the noise that lets you know
which one it is, guys.
[scattered laughter]
I was like, "I know you can't hear me,
but can you see me?"
When I was 24 years old,
I was an ill*gal immigrant in Chicago.
I'd overstayed my visa.
I worked in a kitchen with Mexican cooks.
Brutal people!
They called me, "Los plastos Kollega."
Sometimes, I'd sleep on the train.
My working hours were 8 a.m. to 3 a.m.
and you'd freeze.
And this guy called Sirquet
taught me this trick.
He's like, "Hey, Kollega, come here!"
[speaks Mexican]
[in English] If your n*pples are warm,
your body will be warm.
Then he put hot soup
from the restaurant into ziplock bags,
put every ziplock bag
into a black garbage bag,
tied them together behind my neck
so that the soup hung over here.
I wore a jacket and I was insulated
and warm all night long.
Everybody left me alone on the train
because I was a brown man
with gigantic t*ts.
[audience laughing]
And you know, this was a couple of years
before the trans conversation. [chuckles]
But a couple of years after 9/11.
So, you know, even the Mexicans were like,
"Maybe kollega"
[drawn-out] "terrorista."
"Maybe " [speaks Mexican]
[audience chuckles]
[n English] "Really massive,
tasty black t*ts."
-And
-[audience laughing]
Some nights you wake up on the train, man.
It's f*cking beautiful. It is.
You know.
You've got Coldplay in your ears,
warm soup on your n*pples.
[subdued laughter]
Your head's on the window.
You come out of a tunnel
you feel sunlight on your cheeks,
they get warm.
Your eyes go into this
non-religious shade of orange
[audience laughing and applauding]
and there's golden light on your face.
You feel seen.
And you can't move because there's a
massive homeless man
sleeping on top of you.
[audience laughing]
Now, Indian women, some of you know this
[audience laughing]
[breathlessly] having been compressed
under a heavyset man.
Don't look at him, eyes front, eyes front.
Look at me right now.
The only thing
that will move that man is food, right?
So, I put this man in the window seat.
His name was Eugne.
I f*cking put him under the sun,
and I pulled out soup.
-[audience laughing]
-He laughed his a*s off.
He was like, "Hey man,
what else you got in them t*tties?"
-[audience laughing]
-[Vir chuckles]
-And I was like, "More soup."
-[audience laughing]
And then his friends surrounded me.
Like five black guys.
I gave them all soup.
And they all called me "a little soup
titty *-word" for five hours.
"Hey, man, look at
this soup titty *-word."
I have had Shah Rukh Khan tell me
he was proud of me.
I've had a woman call me
the love of her life.
Nothing comes close to five black guys
calling you the *-word.
[audience laughing and whooping]
It's also the most maternal
I've ever felt in my life.
You know, to pull your tit out
and nourish somebody.
[audience laughing]
-Ladies, I get why you do it. [chuckles]
-[scattered laughter]
And I told this story to my therapist,
and my therapist was like, "Mr. Das,
that was not a quiet story at all,
and they're happier than you are,"
and I'm like, "Madam,
you don't understand
what I f*cking do, do you?"
Look, happiness watched
is greater than happiness lived, alright?
Do you know what every crowd
has in common?
They look different. They sound the same.
Because happiness is a universal noise.
A human being is just a noise.
We die when we're silent.
If I could take every audience member
and put them in a suitcase,
and put them up on stage with me
and take them around the world,
so that they see it like I see it,
and feel it like I feel it, you would
understand why people like stand-up.
Nobody is watching the comedian.
They're listening to the audience,
to happiness leave their body.
Because happiness, when yelled,
Joy, when not protected,
but joy projected is hope.
It is strength.
People with power understand that.
The scariest thing to them is
not the words that come out of my mouth,
it is the noise that comes out of theirs.
Comedians just say words,
the audience tells the truth.
And this is what I don't understand.
Why is no one arresting the audience?
[audience laughing and applauding]
[audience cheering]
They are the problem.
Look at them. They're so stupid.
[audience chuckles]
So easily motivated
by some eloquent flattery. [chuckles]
And my therapist was like, "Mr. Das,
you have an aggressive
dis-associative disorder.
that is motivated by extreme PTSD."
And I was like, "You have
passive-aggressive tongue twisters
that are motivated by chamomile tea."
[audience laughing]
She's like, "Mr. Das,
your anxiety is out of control.
I need to put you on medication.
What're your thoughts on beta-blockers?"
And I was like, "I believe
in a woman's right to choose."
[audience laughing]
That joke gets better
if you think about it in Hindi.
[audience laughing]
"Also, I have an addictive personality.
I'm not gonna take pills."
She's like, "All right. Then you need
to work out seven days a week.
The endorphins will carry you
through your depression."
-"So I should do jumping jacks."
-[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
She's like, "No, also take turmeric
for acid reflux." [chuckles]
[audience laughing]
Ladies and gentlemen
We're on a train.
That's all this life is.
It's a train in a f*cking circle.
And one step on that train,
one stop is unhappiness
and utter despair and sorrow
and an a*s whooping.
Whether you're quiet
or whether you're happy,
or whether you're careful
or whether you're reckless,
the train will stop at that station
once in your life, I promise you.
Stick your t*ts out
and share your soup, all right?
That's all I'm gonna say.
You could play
every card in the book right
and one day, for no reason,
your voice will just [snaps fingers]
go the f*ck away.
And then, one day,
for no reason, it will [snaps fingers]
Ten days before my stadium show,
something freed.
I don't know why this happened.
[splutters] But [sighs]
Do you know what I think freedom is?
When you're not constantly thinking about
whether you can speak,
you can speak.
Like, my voice came back
not for doctors, or for healers.
It came back for a food delivery guy.
[scattered laughter]
[audience chuckles]
He handed me a package of food,
and instinctively, without thinking,
I was like, "Thank you, bhaisaab."
[audience laughing]
It just came out.
And I I just f*cking
I held him, and I I wept.
For 20 minutes straight,
I just wept in his arms.
And he was like, "You're very passionate
about kung pao chicken."
[audience laughing]
And I was like, "Your back is very tight.
You have a sadness deep inside."
[audience laughing]
Don't think about what you say,
and it will get you into trouble.
And when you're in trouble,
do not think about what you say,
and it will get you out of trouble.
Here are three quick stories
to end my show that prove that.
Are you ready?
[indistinct chatter]
Number one. I was 18 years old
in the city of New Delhi
on the back of a motorcycle.
My friend Shusheel is driving us home
from a Delhi party at a farmhouse
where we have both dropped acid.
If you've ever driven in Delhi at night,
you know this,
you do not need the acid.
[audience laughing]
There are preexisting illusions
like safety.
[audience laughing]
We get up to a red light.
While we're getting up to the red light,
a cat crosses the road.
It f*ck with my brain.
All of a sudden, at the red light,
I see standing a 20-foot-tall pussycat
with one eye.
And there was light
sh**ting out of the cat's eye.
And the cat was morphing
and dancing and changing
and as we got closer,
the cat morphed into a Delhi policeman
[audience laughing]
with a torch in his hand.
The Delhi police will shine a torch
in your eyes, we know this.
They're like, "On the off chance
you haven't had an accident yet"
-[mimics taunting laughter]
-[audience laughing]
We get up to this policeman,
who is 6'4", a sardar,
and I swear to God,
his name was Hunta Singh.
[audience laughing]
And as we start to flee,
he tries to flag us down.
I'm told, 18-years old, high on acid,
I make direct eye contact and go
[meows shrilly]
[audience laughing]
If you think running away
from a Delhi policeman pisses them off,
try meowing at them.
[audience laughing]
They go insane.
He followed us for 3 kilometres.
We get to another red light,
and I still do not know why
this is when my b*stard friend
starts following traffic laws.
[audience laughing]
He stops.
Hunta Singh got off
and beat me with my helmet on.
It still hurt.
I was like, "What is this helmet for?"
Then he beat me with my helmet,
and I understood what the helmet was for.
Then he started hitting me
with his torch,
which I thought was a magical light
and kept catching with my face
[audience laughing]
to taste his rainbow.
[scattered laughter]
[chuckles] Then, he looked at my friend,
and he was like, "Show me your license."
And my friend Susheel pulled out
a learner's license.
[audience laughing]
I don't mean to stop the show,
but does that does that joke work here?
Yeah, let me explain,
So, uh, guys, in India,
on a learner's license,
you're not allowed to do acid.
[audience laughing loudly]
Same? I see this license
go past my face
and it's got like colours
and an aura and energy.
I have an idea!
I also pull out my learner's license.
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Inspector Hunta Singh,
if we combine"
[audience laughing loudly and applauding]
"the power of two learner's licenses"
[audience chuckles]
"they will become a full license, sir.
Which is like saying,
if two college kids f*ck each other,
they will become a professor, sir."
[audience laughing]
And he laughed so much,
he let me go.
-[audience laughing]
-Second story.
I was 35 years old.
I was in a nightclub in Mumbai.
Thirty-five is old enough to know
how absurd the Indian fighting ritual is.
I bumped up against this alpha male
when I was dancing, right?
Bro got angry.
He was like, [loudly] "Bro! Are you okay?"
[scattered laughter]
I was really smashed.
I was like, "Yeah, it's really soft."
Bro went insane.
He was like, "f*ck!
Meet me outside after this song."
[audience laughing]
After this song? Then
Then for four minutes,
we just awkwardly danced
[audience laughing]
while making eye contact
until "Tunak Tunak Tuun" finished,
which is the longest song in the world.
Legit, yo.
This is one out of five choruses
of Daler Mehndi's masterpiece.
Tunak tunak tuun, tunak tunak tuun
Tunak tunak tuun
Tunak tunak tuun, tunak tunak tuun
Tunak tunak tuun
Tunak tunak tuun, tunak tunak tuun
Tunak tunak tuun
f*cking tunak tunak tuun,
Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun
[scoffs] Then it goes higher.
[in high pitch] Tunak tunak tuun,
Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun
Tunak tunak tuun,
Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun
Tunak tunak tuun,
Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun
Tunak tunak tuun,
Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun
[panting] Then it goes lower.
[in low pitch] Tunak tunak tuun,
Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun
Tunak tunak tuun,
Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun
Last one. Tunak tunak tuun,
Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun
I lied. Tunak tunak tuun,
Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun
f*ck the song!
Think about the emotional journey
we just went through right now.
So they don't fight first.
First, they will stand around in a circle
and tell you how many people
in your family they will f*ck.
[audience chuckling]
[in Hindi] I'll f*ck your mother,
your sister, your brother.
[in English] I will f*ck
your mother, father, gardener,
your executive assistant.
-I'm like, "Am I needed for this?"
-[audience laughing]
"You have a concrete plan, bro!"
[audience laughing and cheering]
"I feel like" [chuckles]
"I feel like we're just gathering
to abuse a family."
The fight began, right?
f*cking, I thought I'd land a punch.
This Punjabi guy stuck his chest
against my chest
and started rubbing his chest
against my chest.
I was like, "Sir!"
[audience laughing]
My n*pples do not know the difference
between sensual friction
and aggressive friction.
He got both of them equally perky
like a cathode-anode situation.
[audience laughing]
Then he stuck his f*cking face to my face.
His pupil touched my pupil,
and he saw my memories, all right?
He was like,
"Is there a tooth in your stomach?"
[audience laughing]
[applauding and cheering continues]
[Vir speaks indistinctly]
Then he f*cking started breathing
hot air into my mouth.
[mimics rhythmic breathing]
I started breathing hot air into his,
just becoming the thing I despise,
which is how I feel
about elections in India.
Then he was like, [in Hindi]
"What will you do? Will you do something?
Do it, f*ck! I want you to do it!"
[in English] Which translates to,
"Do it! I want you to do it!
Please do it. Do something.
Do it! Do it now!"
[scattered laughter]
So I licked his ear.
[audience laughing]
It was right there. [chuckles]
I was like, "This is not confrontation.
This is consent." [slurps noisily]
Oh, don't you judge my palate, all right?
You have Bombay sandwiches from Mithibai.
That's ball-scratching bread, all right?
[audience cheering and applauding]
And a wave of confusion
went over that man's face.
You just saw him realise, "I don't know
if we are f*cking or fighting!"
Which is how I feel
about elections in India.
[audience laughing]
And he went to his friends and he's like,
[in Hindi] "But he is that."
[audience chuckling]
[in English] Translation,
"But he is that."
You've ever been so confused,
your grammar deserts your h*m*?
And then we didn't even fight.
We just went inside
and danced for four more hours.
-[audience cheering]
-f*ck me.
I just wanna take you in. There are
four minutes left in the show right now.
You know, I
I came to Mumbai with a suitcase
and no contacts,
no money, no comedy scene,
-and there's a stadium here today.
-[audience cheering loudly]
[cheering continues]
And then,
you have a voice again.
-[man 5 whoops]
-I did both shows.
Right before the show,
you're standing backstage at a church,
you're putting your foot up
on the stadium and
your voice is different.
And when I say your voice is different,
I mean your voice is different.
Six weeks ago, I didn't know
if I was gonna be here on stage.
-This is insane, you know the--
-[audience cheering]
I was watching that you know,
you remember Freddie Mercury in Live Aid,
where he had no voice and he's like
[mimics high-pitched vocalization]
-[audience mimics Vir's vocalizing]
-Oh sh*t! [chuckles]
[audience laughing]
It's not the same.
And there's this whole other Special
that Netflix paid you lot of money to do,
where you thought about everything
that you wanted to say,
and you just don't
feel like thinking that much.
All you can think is just
-[mimics Freddy's tune] Behenchod!
-[audience mimics Vir] Behenchod!
-Behenchod!
-[audience] Behenchod!
[in Hindustani classical] Behenchod!
[audience mimics Vir] Behenchod!
-Behenchod!
-[audience] Behenchod!
-Behenchod!
-[audience] Behenchod!
-[drawn-out] Behenchod!
-[audience cheering, applauding]
[audience, drawn-out] Behenchod!
I was summoned by the Mumbai police.
-[audience chuckles]
-[chortles]
I was accused of stealing a joke
from myself.
[audience chuckles]
This is very confusing.
I wrote two shows about India,
and they both had one common topic
with different jokes.
Right? So I had to go and explain
joke structure to the Mumbai police.
Which I'm about to explain to you now.
Are you ready, yeah?
Mumbai, every joke has three parts.
Number one,
undeniable factual information.
Number two, a premise.
Number three, a punchline. Observe.
Undeniable factual information.
Not all n*pples are the same size.
Right? Here's a premise.
My n*pples are like India and Pakistan.
Punchline.
They used to be a lot close,
but over the years, they just grew apart.
It's an okay joke. I'm just illustrating
By the way, any Pakistani people here?
[scattered responses] Yes!
Listen, I love you guys.
You're always welcome in my show, alright?
Don't put this on social media.
[audience chuckling]
[chuckles] What's your name,
buddy from Pakistan?
[man 4] Shehzaad.
Shehzaad, I do believe that one day
our countries will be friends.
I do believe that. Genuinely. Yeah.
-Uh--
-[audience cheering and applauding]
I don't know. I just
[applauding continues]
We just gotta find
some common enemy.
[audience laughing]
Let's go blow up
the Maldives together, huh?
[audience chuckles]
f*ck the Maldives.
f*cking, both our navies together,
Shehzaad. Let's do it, alright?
Sixty-five of our ships,
two of your jet skis
[audience laughing]
Even Shehzaad is like,
"Two jet skis, huh?"
[audience laughing]
[chuckles] The point
The point I'm trying to make is
in a different joke,
part one never changes.
Observe, Mumbai, here's a different joke.
Undeniable factual information,
"Not all n*pples"
[audience] "are the same."
Here's a different premise.
My n*pples are like politics in India.
-Punchline. [chuckles]
-[audience chuckles]
For as long as I can remember,
the right is way more sensitive.
[audience chuckling]
-Now, that--
-[audience cheering and applauding]
[cheering and applauding continues]
That joke is very easy to explain
to a comedy crowd in a stadium.
Very tough to explain to the Mumbai police
at 8 o'clock in the morning.
My lawyer and I
are getting our files together
in front of this Mumbai policeman
called Inspector Tapse.
He wants to get our attention.
He's like, "Hey!"
-[smacks lips lewdly]
-[audience laughing]
Immediately, every molecule
in my body just goes, "Daddy!"
[audience laughing]
And he looks at me
and he's like, "These jokes you do
Are they funny?"
[audience laughing]
-[sighs softly]
-[scattered chuckles]
"Inspector Tapse, it's like,
not all n*pples" I do the entire routine.
I look at my lawyer who looks like
she wants to quit the profession of law
because her client is pinching his n*pples
in a police station.
Zero response.
Now, when a joke's not going well,
a comedian turns the g*n on themselves.
That's how you get the crowd.
[splutters] So I'm like, "Inspector Tapse,
why am I actually going to jail for jokes?
Please just give me two months
to commit a real crime."
[audience laughing]
"And grow a real beard
because I am too tiny
and too pretty for jail, sir.
I will be humped in 15 minutes."
[audience laughing]
Finally, this man laughs. I get the laugh.
He's like, "You?
You will be humped in one minute."
[audience laughing and applauding]
"Wait. I will be humped in one minute,
or I will be humped for one minute?"
-And he said, "Both."
-[audience laughing]
"But listen, you cannot
copyright topics in India.
I'm gonna take your statement.
Tell me everything you said in Marathi."
[audience laughing]
I don't
So I'm like,
-[speaking Marathi falteringly]
-[audience laughing]
[in faltering Marathi] My chest testicles
[audience laughing]
My chest testicles are different
-[audience laughing]
-heavy.
[in English] He's like,
[in Marathi] "Okay."
"West Mumbai and East Mumbai"
[audience laughing hysterically]
"Coke studio, tunak tunak.
Me, man, man, man
testies spread, spread, spread."
[in English] He's like, "You should
do that on stage. It's very relatable."
[audience chuckling]
I'm like, "Yeah,
but it's not really global."
He said, "Don't be silly.
Indian comedy is not global."
[audience laughing]
He writes it all down. [chuckles]
-[audience chuckles]
-Every word.
He's like, "Now I need to confiscate
your passport. Hand it over."
I hand it over.
He puts it five feet away, inside a file,
under this paper
where some jokes are written.
[audience chuckles]
"You lose your passport.
God has taken your passport, man."
I prayed
in that police station.
And when I'm laughing
When I'm desperate, I laugh.
And he's like, "Is something funny?"
I'm like, "Inspector Tapse,
you're writing my joke down
word for word in your file.
Technically"
[audience chuckling]
"that's copyright infringement."
[audience laughing and applauding]
[applause continues]
And he laughs.
He's like, "You'll write a joke
about anything, huh?"
-I'm like, "Sir, if you let me."
-[audience chuckling]
"Sir, I don't know,
but I promise you when I write the joke,
I will be the punchline."
-"And what about me?"
-"Sir, you will be an undeniable fact."
I promise you.
"Sir, please, I just need--"
[mimics shushing]
"I will never forget this.
Thank you."
"You make me look good."
[audience laughing]
[chuckles softly]
-"I'm gonna make you look like a God."
-[audience chuckles]
[audience cheering and applauding]
[cheering and applauding continues]
"Go now.
Are you happy?"
[audience cheering]
[grunts softly]
[cheering and applauding continues]
I wanted to do this
before we leave, because, you know,
um, I was told I have to.
[plays "Happy Birthday to you" on kazoo]
[audience cheering and applauding]
-[kazoo continues playing]
-[upbeat music playing]
[audience continues cheering
and applauding]
[kazoo music fades]
Life, life, life, life,
Life, life, life is vertical
[fast-paced music playing]
Life, life, life is, life is
Vir mama, Vir mama, life is
Life, life, life is, life is
Life, life is, life is vertical
Life, life, life, life, life
The world is changing
Life, life, life, life, life, life
Vir mama, Vir mama
Life, life, life, life
World is changing
Life, life, life,
The world is changing
Life, life, life, life, life
The world is changing
Life is vertical
Life, life, life, life is, life is
Vir mama, Vir mama, life is
Life, life, life, life is , life is
Life is, life, life is vertical
Life, life, life, life, life
The world is changing
Life, life, life, life, life, life
Vir mama, Vir mama
Life, life, life, life
The world is changing
Life, life, life, life
The world is changing
Life is vertical
Life, life, life, life is, life is
Vir mama, Vir mama, life is
Life, life, life, life is, life is
Life is, life is, life is vertical
Life, life, life, life, life
The world is changing
Life, life, life, life, life, life
Vir mama, Vir mama
Life, life, life, life, life
The world is changing
Life, life, life, life
The world is changing
Life is vertical
Life, life, life, life is, life is
Vir mama, Vir mama, life is
Life, life, life, life is, life is
Life is, life is, life is vertical
Life, life, life, life, life
The world is changing
Life, life, life, life, life, life
Vir mama, Vir mama
Life, life, life, life, life
The world is changing
Life, life, life, life, life, life
The world is changing, Vir mama
Life, life, life, life, life
The world is changing
Life, life, life, life, life
The world is changing
Life is vertical
[barks]
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Vir Das: Fool Volume (2025)
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