02x09 - What is That?/Mouse Madness/Christopher Columbusted/Fake Medicines

[bunniefuu]

theme song playing ♪

- It's time for Animaniacs! ♪

And we're zany to the max ♪

So just sit back and relax ♪

You'll laugh till you collapse ♪

We're Animaniacs! ♪

- Come join the Warner Brothers ♪

- And the Warner Sister Dot ♪

Just for fun, we run around

the Warner movie lot ♪

They lock us in the tower

whenever we get caught ♪

But we break loose and then vamoose

and now you know the plot ♪

We're Animaniacs ♪

Dot has wit and Yakko yaks ♪

Wakko packs away the snacks ♪

Our careers have made comebacks ♪

We're Animaniacs! ♪

Meet Pinky and the Brain

who want to rule the universe ♪

A brand new cast who tested well

in focus group research ♪

Gender balanced, pronoun neutral ♪

And ethnically diverse ♪

The trolls will say we're so passé,

but we did meta first ♪

We're Animaniacs ♪

You should see our new contracts ♪

We're zany to the max,

there's baloney in our slacks ♪

We're animan-ey, totally insane-y ♪

- Definitely not Bruce Wayne-y ♪

- Animaniacs! Those are the facts ♪

♪

UPTIGHT ANNOUNCER: Hey, kids! Look up from

your brain-wrecking devices for a sec!

It's time for What Is That?

With the Warners.

[tire screech]

- What is that?

[sniffing]

- Looks like a flying saucer to me.

- Maybe an upside down wok?

UPTIGHT ANNOUNCER:

Nope! It's a "hang"!

A hang is a 12-toned metal

percussion instrument

from Switzerland!

- Weird name.

I like "bang" better.

I'm calling it a bang.

- Ooh! If you put two of them together,

you could call it a bang bang!

UPTIGHT ANNOUNCER:

Nope! It's a hang! Not a bang,

and definitely not a bang bang.

- Ow! You got me!

Let me ask you a personal

question, Announcer.

Can you hang your bang in a bang hang?

UPTIGHT ANNOUNCER: Nope!

- And if it crashes to

the ground and you call me,

then would you be a man who

rang about a hang bang clang?

UPTIGHT ANNOUNCER:

No. I would never call you

about a hang bang clang.

- So, you admit it! It is a bang!

- Can you use it to call a flying saucer?

UPTIGHT ANNOUNCER: This segment was

only supposed to be 15 seconds long!

It's a hang, and that's final!

[Dot screaming, grunts]

What the heck is that? Is that an alien?

I have to rethink everything I know!

[screaming]

hang vibrates ♪

[birds chirping]

music continues ♪

[grunts, retches]

- It was hot in there.

- [gasps] At least you got to breathe

through the eye holes!

♪

- Hey, buddy, sketch is over.

We already did the alien thing.

- Ouch!

That's my nutritional intake orifice!

[screaming]

♪

[beeping]

I have acquired the bang.

[zapping]

♪

[thunder]

Pinky and the Brain theme song ♪

- Gee, Brain, what do

you wanna do tonight?

- The same thing we do every night, Pinky.

Try to take over the world!

[thunder]

♪

- They're Pinky and the Brain ♪

Yes, Pinky and the Brain ♪

One is a genius,

the other's insane ♪

They're laboratory mice ♪

Their genes have been spliced ♪

They're dinky,

they're Pinky and the Brain ♪

Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain ♪

♪

[basketball buzzer]

ANNOUNCER [TV]:

And with just six seconds on the clock,

I don't see how Fluke

can close this gap.

- Egad. You're watching sports?

"Who are you, and what have

you done with the real Brain?"

Narf! [laughs]

Seriously though, Brain. Is that you?

You've replaced yourself

with clones so many times,

I can't tell. [grunts]

BRAIN: Quiet, Pinky,

you purulent protoplasmic peon.

- It is you!

- I must hear the score.

- But I thought you

hated bouncy-ball, Brain.

[grunts]

- If you mean basketball, I do hate it.

Watching humans drop orbs into netting

is scarcely my idea of entertainment.

I'm in no way emotionally

invested in this pitiful--

[whistle blows]

Oh, how is that a foul?!

The force behind that errant contact

could be measured in micronewtons!

ANNOUNCER [TV]:

And if Allen can sink this free throw,

Fluke University will steal

the unlikeliest of victories!

♪

And it's good!

[buzzer]

[crowd cheering]

Fluke wins 73-72!

- Ah! A surprising outcome!

I-I suppose I can see how the masses

might find this dribble drivel amusing.

73-72,

Fluke University. 73-72,

Fluke University.

Okay, I'm ready.

- Ooh! What do you got there, Brain?

- Behold, Pinky.

The Reverse Entropy Waveform

Inverter Neutrino Dilator.

I call it the REWIND!

- [gasps] You made your own smartphone?

Oh, it's brilliant, Brain!

So smooth and sleek and shiny and--

Oh no!

No headphone jack?

When will you tech giants

start listening to what us

consumers actually want?

- This isn't some glorified

wireless telegraph, Pinky.

This device controls the very

flow of time's arrow.

Push of a button, I will be able to

travel precisely two hours into the past!

Just long enough to accurately

forecast the outcome

of a basketball game.

[Pinky humming]

- Hm?

Sorry, Brain. I didn't get a word of that.

- Brain use button,

win big at bouncy-ball.

- Well, why didn't you just say so?

- Through a series of precise

score predictions

on the May Mania tournament,

I calculate that I'll be able to turn

this 17 cents of loose change

I found in the lab into

no less than one trillion dollars!

- Egad, Brain!

That's enough for me to pay

off my student loan debts!

- But you never went to college.

- Exactly!

Why do you think I'm so bad with money?

- Never mind that, Pinky.

We're going to use the money

to buy a Pacific island,

on which we will build

a lair inside a live volcano!

Every super villain needs one!

Just like Dr. No!

- Dr. Who?

- No, Dr. No.

- Who's a doctor?

- Yes.

- Dr. Yes?

- No!

- Oh! Dr. No!

- Yes!

- I don't get it.

[Brain sighs]

ANNOUNCER [TV]:

And with just six seconds on the clock,

I don't see how Fluke can close

this gap!

- You're watching sports?

Who are you and what have

- I done with the real Brain.

Very clever, Pinky, you purulent,

protoplasmic peon.

- Narf! How do you keep

coming up with new ones?

ANNOUNCER [TV]:

And if Allen can sink this free throw,

Fluke University will steal

the unlikeliest of victories!

♪

And it's good!

[buzzer]

[crowd cheering]

Fluke wins,

73-72!

- [laughs] It works, Pinky!

It works!

[beeping]

[kiss]

- Ooh! What do you got there, Brain?

[grunts]

ANNOUNCER [TV]: Fluke dominates

their second round match up,

96-78.

[crowd cheering]

[beeping]

- Ooh! What do you got there, Brain?

♪

[buzzer, cheering]

[beeping]

Ooh! What do you got there, Brain?

- Whoa, whoa ♪

[beeping]

- Ooh! What do you got there--

- Whoa ♪

- Ooh! What do you got the--

[boom]

Ooh! What you got there?

- Whoa ♪

- Ooh!

[Brain growls]

- Ask me that one more time,

and I will go back to

before your conception

and prevent your parents meet-cute!

This is it, Pinky.

Williams makes this play, and our plan

comes to fruition! Gesundheit, by the way.

[sneezes]

- Who's Williams?

ANNOUNCER [TV]: Lamarche shoots,

and

misses!

[buzzer]

Gorgonzola wins!

- Excuse me, who shoots?

And it's what?

And doesn't Fluke wear blue?

Pinky, this is all wrong!

PINKY: Oh?

[speaking German]

♪

[screams]

ANNOUNCER [TV]:

With the fate of planet Earth

on the line, this promises to be

an incredible game of Space Spheres!

One wonders if these rips in

the spacetime continuum will harm

the chances of

a Smargadine Smorgenflecks victory!

- Rips in the spacetime

continuum? That's it!

Pinky, are you pondering

what I'm pondering?

- I believe so, Brain.

Your device must be disrupting

the very fabric of the universe,

creating evermore bizarre

and unstable timelines.

One wonders if continued use of your

"temporal inverter"

will escalate the decay

until the walls of reality

come crashing down round us.

- Why, that's right.

However, I have no choice but to

keep jumping between timelines

until I find an acceptable

one in which to reside.

Clearly this one is not that.

- Wakey-wakey, Brainy cakey!

romantic music swells ♪

- [Pinky's voice]:

Egad! If Pinky finds out about us,

you and I will never see

each other again, Pinky.

- [Pinky's voice]: [gasps] Oh, Pinky.

Pinky couldn't bear a life

without you, Pinky.

[door bangs]

BOTH: Poit! Narf!

soap opera music ♪

BRAIN:

Blegh! The most dreadful, awful,

disgusting thing I've ever seen.

Holy!

Once again, I've spoken too soon.

regal music playing ♪

- Emperor Brain.

Who would you like smited today?

- The past tense is actually "smote."

And the smitees

are the object of the verb,

so it should be,

"Whom would you like smote?"

And where am I?

dramatic music playing ♪

Pinky, I've done it!

In this timeline,

I've taken over the world!

- Why, of course you have, your Magicksy.

Your Magicksy Brain.

Magic Brain.

BRAIN: Droid!

[droid whirring]

Smite

everyone in Colorado!

I really do hate Colorado.

I believe I'll stay in this timeline.

[rumbling, Pinky groans]

Besides, any more jumps and the cosmos

may tear itself apart entirely.

PINKY [in demonic voice]:

Yes, stay.

Remain my puppet.

[screaming]

Oh! What have you

got there, Brain?

♪

[screaming]

[portals zapping]

[maniacal laughter]

[screaming]

[laughs]

Ah!

The void can't hold me, Brain!

[Pinky screaming]

[grunts]

[straining]

[groaning]

[grunts]

♪

- It's pointless.

Utterly futile. The universe

is doomed, unless

unless this thing never

existed in the first place.

I have to go back to

before I ever built it!

♪

Pinky. You have depth!

- Thanks. Ooh! Brain, you look slim!

- Holy matrimony.

It's three-dimensional Euclidean space!

This is it. The moment that I powered up

that infernal gizmo.

Ow!

♪

[expl*si*n]

Ah!

Pinky, get the device!

- Righto!

[whirring]

[gasp, screaming]

[Brain gasps]

[Pinky screams]

♪

[Brain groans]

- Pinky, it must be destroyed!

[rattling]

- Narf! [grunts]

- That's it, Pinky! Almost there!

[whimpering]

Ah!

- Whoa!

[grunts]

- Pinky, no!

[wind howling]

- Narf!

[gasps]

Whee!

[screaming]

[basketball buzzer]

[crowd cheering]

[basketball shoes squeaking]

- You're watching sports? [grunts]

[gasps]

- Pinky! Oh, I thought I'd lost you!

- That's funny. I thought I'd lost

myself the other day.

I was in the cereal aisle

for over four hours

before I worked out I was

actually in the cupboard.

ANNOUNCER [TV]:

And it's good!

[buzzer]

Fluke wins, 73-72!

- No tears in space?

No dreadful Pinky soap operas?

No Lovecraftian horrors? [sighs]

Everything is back to normal.

- Yay! What's back to normal, Brain?

[Brain chuckles]

- You don't remember any of it, do you?

You were quite the hero, my old friend.

Come! We must prepare for tomorrow night.

- What are we gonna do

tomorrow night, Brain?

[deep inhale]

- You know what?

Anything that you want to do.

- Why don't we take a night off and go

to that "paint our own pottery class"

like our therapist told us to?

- No.

We're taking over the world!

- That's a terrific idea, Brain.

♪

♪

♪

- Yeoman Wakko, man the poop deck!

[laughs] Oh, this nautical sketch

was a great idea to get

around the censors.

MAN:

Enough of this scuttlebutt!

- [giggles] He said scuttle.

[growls]

Uh oh. It's the captain.

Looks like we're in

for a stern talking to.

- Sailing pun! Somebody keep count.

There's gonna be too many of these.

- Do you have any idea who I am?!

- If the writers are

following the formula,

I'd say you're an unlikable jerk

in need of an ego check.

- Ego check?

Why would Christopher Columbus

need an ego check?

- Why do you have so many

books from the future?

- Because it was a long flight

from 500 years from now.

- It's not fair to make me do math

and history at the same time!

- So, apparently he got lost,

thought South America was Asia,

and claimed it for Spain even

though it was already inhabited

by millions of people?

- Then he starved those millions of people

'cause he thought they

were hiding gold from him?

[groans]

- Let me see that!

♪

He enslaved how many people?

He was arrested by who?

And he has his own holiday why?

Oh, there's just too much

bad stuff in here

to fit into a single sketch.

- But, it just might fit in a song!

In Fourteen Hundred and Ninety Two ♪

Columbus sailed the ocean blue ♪

- Oh yeah!

He had three ships,

he sailed from Spain ♪

A first rate hat atop

a second rate brain ♪

- He sailed by night, he sailed by day ♪

Will somebody tell him

he sailed the wrong way? ♪

- He's cruel,

he rules through thuggery ♪

- Yet he's praised for

the new world's discovery ♪

ALL:

Are we sure he deserves his own day? ♪

We'd have found this stuff anyway ♪

[growling]

- I'm terrible at reading people.

Is he mad at us

or passionately in love with us?

- I will give-a you a right seeing to!

- Mm. I still can't tell.

- Desist with this poppycock at once!

- Oh. Aren't you gonna say,

"good night, everybody"?

- Nah, too easy.

I'm trying to keep them above board.

Seriously loving these

nautical puns though.

- Seize them!

- Uh oh. We're in hot water now.

- Eh, what's he gonna do?

Make us walk the plank?

Feed us to the sharks? Leave us stranded

on a desert island? Ha!

dramatic music playing♪

- [laughs] Goodbye! Happy getting eaten!

[laughter]

- Oh, we may have sailed too close

to the wind on this one, sibs.

- That thing's not getting old.

- Alright, sibs, all hands on deck! Sorry.

We're up the creek without a paddle here.

My bad. So, somebody's gotta bail us out.

I'm starting to think this pun

counter may have been a bad idea.

- I think I can get us off the hook!

- Wakko!

- Come on!

- Genuine mistake.

Yakko, your slacks, if you please.

[struggling]

- Cured meats were a staple of

the mariner's diet in the age of sail,

so having baloney in one's slacks

is historically accurate.

Okay, good. But, we're still stuck

on this island, high and dr--

I mean between the devil and the deep bl--

No, dead in the wa--

Are there any sayings

which aren't based on sailing?!

- Don't worry, boys.

I've got an idea!

♪

I knew that mandatory

WB employee screening

of Aquaman would pay off!

- Hey, sibs! We're so meta

that the shark jumped us!

- Oh, knock it off, Yakov!

- Well, according to this map

I drew [laughs],

Asia should be

Well, it can't be far now.

Uh, I'm going to say

about-a five minutes maybe?

[laughs] How big could

the Atlantic Ocean possibly be?

SHIPMATE:

Land ahoy!

- Land ahoy? Ah!

I was-a hoping for Asia ahoy.

Wait, what is Asia made of?

- Um, land?

- Land, of course! Asia is made of land!

[laughing] I've done it!

♪

I, Christopher Columbus,

hereby proclaim this land Asia!

DOT:

Not even close, Columbozo.

- Asia's about 8,000 miles that-a-way.

- And it's further by ship.

That's as the crow flies.

I didn't know that one was nautical,

I swear!

- These are the Bahamas.

- Well, I still discovered them.

- Yeah, about that?

In Fourteen Hundred and Ninety Two ♪

Columbus sailed the ocean, true ♪

DOT: He wasn't a looker

and less of a charmer ♪

Claimed he'd be the first

man to find the Bahamas ♪

WAKKO:

But this isn't even a new frontier ♪

The Lucayans have

been here 1,000 years ♪

ALL: Are we sure he deserves

his very own day? ♪

Asia's still half a world away ♪

[wind blowing]

♪

[growling]

[muttering]

- Land ahoy!

♪

- Oh boy! It's green!

Green land! [gasps]

Have I discovered Greenland?

- Well

[chirping, squawk]

- I, Christopher Columbus,

proclaim thee Greenland!

- Even further off, Codumbus.

- Cuba.

- I'm sorry, how do you keep

beating me to these islands anyway?

- Shark chariot.

♪

SHIPMATE: Land a--

- Just park the boat-a!

This had better be Asia this time!

- But, sir, you're navigating.

[chirp, muffled shriek]

- Asia.

- Asia is still away-sia, pal.

- This is Hispaniola.

- Which is modern day Haiti

and the Republic Dominican.

- Don't call it that!

You know who will start

singing you know what.

- What was that?

DOT/WAKKO: Nothing!

- Enough! Enough-a! Enough!

I am going back to Spain!

Without-a you three!

[tires screech]

But-a believe you me.

I won't-a give up.

Next time, I depart-a south southwest,

instead of west southwest.

Straight to Asia!

No local stops on this-a journey!

- Don't you wanna hear our song about

the 750,000 indigenous people

who already live here,

you big phony?

- Yeah.

I spent all night coming up

with a rhyme for Arawak/Taíno.

[groans]

- Let's do it anyway!

ALL: Columbus sailed the ocean blue ♪

He had three ships, now he has two ♪

DOT:

Through a bunch of nautical accidents ♪

He claimed lands

filled with inhabitants ♪

WAKKO:

Next trip, he'll say he finds Jamaica ♪

Sure this time that it's in Asia ♪

YAKKO:

Think that's uncomplimentary ♪

Try reading his Wiki entry ♪

ALL:

He's the captain of endless mistakes ♪

One of history's luckiest fakes ♪

Are we sure he deserves his own day? ♪

He never even set foot in ♪

The USA ♪

[grunting]

[squeaking, chirping]

- Ouch-a! Mama mia!

- Oh. Guess we really knocked

the wind out of his sails.

♪

You've done well, little pun counter.

[dog barking]

But the sketch is over now. You're free.

[panting, barking, whining]

- Go on. Get outta here.

[barking]

♪

ALL:

Wow.

Uh

♪

- Guess he couldn't swim.

- And now, he's dead in the water.

[ding]

♪

[machines beeping]

- In the overcrowded,

but highly profitable

marketplace of prescription drugs,

we here at Acme Pharmaceuticals

have decided to add

another one to the mix.

What's today's new drug, Dot?

[crank, whirring]

[beeping, clicking]

[tape chirping]

- Do you have trouble telling time?

Try Zobroflex.

Just one every 15 minutes tells

you when it's been 15 minutes.

- I just took one 15 minutes ago!

Wow, it's working already!

- What are the side effects, Dot?

- Let's see. Uh oh. Headaches

[groans]

sweating

[panting]

blurred vision

[groans]

dry mouth

[sighs]

rapid and irreversible aging

permanent fedora

penguin teeth,

one long hair in your armpit,

[yelps]

restless legs

and fear of clocks!

[screech]

- The clocks have faces!

[screaming]

- Eh, he'll be fine in 15 minutes.

- Ask your doctor,

or open-minded veterinarian,

if Zobroflex is right for you.

♪