02x05 - Home Sweet Homeless

[bunniefuu]

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hi whoa awesome pants dad

hey thanks Jamie these aren't just pants

these are my new designer golf's laxing

for your sake I hope there's no designer

bull on the golf course to the moon

Jamie bangs ooh what's that stuff you're

making oh it's a high protein drink

supposed to make you strong huh

makes your restaurant - no matter what

this thing Vicki come here please

here liquefy this liquefy this

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Thanks you're actually gonna drink that

sure Jamie see I'm healthier already hey

congratulations mm-hmm

my woman's auxilary just called and you

are looking at the new chairperson of

our committee to aid the hall Oh

terrific honey the word homeless is not

in my bubble memory module mom top

bubble head hear what it means they're

people who usually sleep in streets and

in alleys and who have no jobs no money

no hope and people usually think they're

just a bunch of bums and winos but

they're not sometimes their whole

families that are just down on their

luck yeah and except of people like us

to help them right my problem is how to

make the public more aware of the

situation yeah yeah got an idea how

about going to a TV station huh if you

could get that roving reporter or

what's-his-name

Steve Morales to do a story on the

evening news you'd have it made right

but just tell Harriet next door that

blabbermouth reaches more people than

Dan Rather and I can drop you off and

pick you up I gotta go to the driving

range and I hit a bucket of ba*ls with

the guys just a bunch of funds and winos

Jamie well we're out would you mind

going the market for me and picking up a

couple of things the list it's right

over there

sure no problem mom

did you say a couple of things I better

take Vicky along to help if I carry all

this stuff myself that's enough to give

me a hernia homeless people mom was

talking about I don't see anybody

right over there mom said it's our duty

to help the homeless right boy this

place is sure mess it ought to be

cleaned up it ought to be cleaned up

[Applause]

hurricane Vicki mister mister I didn't

do it officer I was in Cleveland that

week Oh Oh do you do hi I'm Jamie Lawson

and this is my sister Vicki a great

pleasure Jamie and the enchanting Vicki

I am Roland card well at your service of

the Boston card Wells that is where you

live for the moment be it ever so humble

and it gives the word humble new meaning

but it has every convenience so long

heating air conditioning no overhead and

you couldn't beat the location oh I see

you have groceries there young lady

enough to give you a hernia

[Laughter]

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I'm busy come back later okay hurry it

you've got a home a refrigerator and a

mouse now why don't you go put all three

of those things together like me eat

between meals she says it ruins my

appetite she's wrong

it's reveals that room my appetite

period you please buzz off I've got

something very important to do what's

that it's none of your business of

course it's none of my business that's

why I'm dying to know go all right I'm

going models terrific I got that

reporter Steve Morales to agree to do a

story on the homeless well I've got some

good news too guess what I did today

hello Jamie my boy would you have any

bubble bath is what I did today who are

you what are you doing in my house what

are you doing in my wife's robe I

couldn't find yours well thank you young

lady a great pleasure mr. Carville is

homeless so I brought him home this is

my mom and my dad hi mom hi dad

what a lovely and beautiful lady and

what a handsome man don't even think

about it here mr. Craig well I made this

for you

Thank You Jamie I shall savor it as I

bathe I presume dinner will be around

7:00 softly presumptuous all right Jamie

who is this guy and this better be good

we found him in an alley you can't beat

the location

why couldn't you bring home a stray dog

like other kids gee dad you mama said we

should help homeless people find a home

so I did he's right - we did say that

but I didn't mean our home listen huh

let him bathe and we'll feed him and

then we'll figure out what to do with

him but keep an eye on this guy wouldn't

surprise me a bit this guy is a police

record

he didn't do it he was in Cleveland that

way

and there I was in the jungles of India

riding on the Juba Dec elephant of my

good friend the Maharaja of fand or when

suddenly there ahead of us was a giant

king cobra fangs flared ready to strike

so what do you do

I started whistling softly like a flute

and the Cobra started to sway side to

side through the rhythm of my whistling

never then we had a couple of dances and

parted friends Jaime you only go around

once in life and you might as well do it

for free

bite your tongue please don't say the

word work in front of me it gives me a

rash like you hi mom hi dad

I see you found my rope been telling me

about his life face to face the snake

didn't bite him no doubt professional

courtesy put your clothes in the washing

machine and they'll be ready soon how

sweet of you matter how terribly

thoughtful

as soon as your clothes come out of the

dryer and you eat you can leave no way

he's right

Jamie thank you I'd love to but I just

couldn't possibly just what dude of

course it wouldn't

I'll be very happy just living in your

backyard

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no that's rolling our houseguest who

would see Jamie thinking I found rolling

in an alley he's one of the homeless how

a bum no he's not

buttons don't hang around with

Maharaja's these bums don't eat dinner

at the right house bums don't go

big-game hunting in Africa Wow it all

that you know it Roman is like Indiana

Jones with wrinkles think about it see

I've never met anyone not exciting

except me you of course me really yeah

to me you're like Indiana Johnson baby

fat

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so I know it's a noble cause but I don't

like this guy in my yard in my house and

in my clothes if he calls me Dad one

more time I got to wrap him in a blanket

and leave him on somebody's doorstep for

a little while besides what would my

committee say if they found out their

leader kicked out a homeless person but

I don't want him here he's he's he's

grimy

I mean when he took a bath he left a

ring around the whole room and what bugs

me most is that Jamie thinks roll into

some kind of glamorous hero

I want this guy out of our house before

he convinces our son that being a

dr*fter is the key to happiness well if

you want rolling out find him a job well

if he was working then he could afford a

place of his own no matter where I go in

the world Jamie it's never difficult to

get money should I need it there's a

soft touch around every corner how do

you mean rollin well do you just walk up

to them and say hi and tell them a

hard-luck story and I once told my good

friend the great PT Barnum I said PT

there's a sucker born every minute

[Laughter]

see I can't imagine where she heard that

it's a jungle out there dad

I was just telling them of a few by

survival skills and obtaining the good

life nearly I've got a survival skill

for you Roland what's that

never wear another man's golf slacks if

you do you just might find yourself

buried up to the neck in a sand trap

Vicky would you I take this to my room

please honey Roland I have some good

news for you

we're going to Disneyland oh I talked to

the personnel office at my plant they

have an opening for a maintenance man

you can start work in the morning work

don't ever say the W word and friend

Roland you need to break out yes I'm

afraid the W word just cramped my

lifestyle dad how can you call being

homeless a lifestyle

I'm not homeless my dear oh yes there

are those who are and I am terribly

sorry for them but I'm not one of them I

chose the life I lead and I love it but

everybody has to work what in heaven's

name for that's a myth created by

Republicans work happens to be how you

achieve the good life what time do you

get up in the morning 7:00 I have to be

to work at 9:00 I get up whenever I want

I don't have to be anywhere that's one

for Roland

yes but Roland you don't have anything I

have this beautiful home and you also

have a beautiful mortgage we have a new

car and you have repairs insurance

payments that's three for Roland yes but

I get to wear beautiful clothes before

and I get to wear beautiful clothes too

I get a two-week paid vacation every

year my whole life is a vacation

free of charge I want to live go to

exciting places do exciting things with

a little luck no school small son we've

got here dad

come on Jamie let's wash up for dinner

I'll tell you about pearl diving in

Japan

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oh thanks Vicki yeah you uh you made

them sunny-side up and I like them over

easy over easy

well they're over would you clean them

up please B that's not so easy

hey I just got off the phone with Steve

Morales at the television station and

he's gonna do that report on the

homeless tonight oh that's terrific

honey

has anybody seen Roland Roland it's gone

you're not just saying that to make me

happy he said he was off to Paris he has

a date with a bad lady behind an

exclusive restaurant Roland and bring

him back well there's nothing that we

can do can't we call the police

Jamie he left on his own free will he

didn't commit a crime

he left wearing your red golf / the

police

didn't leave of his own free will you

made him go Jamie all I did was offer

him work yeah how could you do such a

terrible thing just when I was learning

about the good life he's really absanon

e roland has really messed up his

thinking what are we gonna do about him

I think I know exactly what we're gonna

do we're gonna give Jamie a taste of

that good life he admires so much thanks

for bringing me back to look for Roland

dad this is where we found him well we

know how much you miss him yeah we

thought we might catch him before he

left for Paris nobody else is here but

my audio sensors detect the presence of

smaller life-forms

what kind of life-forms Vicki the ones

took a crunch when you step on them

maybe we should go look for rolling

somewhere else

no I think we should wait for him right

here right honey oh absolutely he's

bound to be back sooner or later it's

not so easy to give up all this and I

love what he's done with the place pizza

well Jamie Roland would never do that I

mean he'd used those survival skills of

his right now we don't need to go inside

I'm sure there's a pizza in here

somewhere

furry thing over there

Oh my gadget it could be dinner hey

maybe we should go home and wait for

Roland why well he might show up there

Jamie come on where's your sense of

adventure huh I mean this is this is the

good life he was talking about right man

over here help me find a pizza huh his

good life is the pits

oh no no it's the police

I didn't do it officer I was in

Cleveland that way it's all right folks

we're from Empire television news you

ready let's roll good evening this is

Steve we're Alice reporting live on the

plight of the homeless I'm here in an

alley between 3rd and maple where this

unfortunate family is huddled together

without food shelter without hope I saw

you at your office

I've talked to you today on the phone

remember yes yes yes I remember

do we have a real story for you folks

just yesterday mrs. Lawson came to me

with an impassioned plea on behalf of

the homeless and because she's so

dedicated to the cause she's moved her

entire family out here in the alley to

make her point really that's exactly

what she did mr. Morales oh she's a

gutsy little gal you must be the proud

husband of this wonderful woman that's

right I'm mr. gutsy and these are these

are the little gut C's Jamie and little

Vicki what a wonderful family would you

like to say something Jamie mom's really

dedicated this is no way to live we

should help the homeless and what about

you sweetheart

got any money there's a sucker born

every minute

[Applause]

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love me and grant you thank you Jesus

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