01x11 - The Great Traveler's Road

[bunniefuu]

Wow!
Look at all those lanes.

It's a powerful road, Gary. Fast too.

Speed limit's 95. Supposedly
fastest in the state.

Makes you proud to be from Maynord.

A real feather in our cap.

People from all five points of the
county will be passing through here.

We had to expand our menu to include
all the multicultural offerings.

And that's the best part of this.

We're gonna get people from all parts
of the county coming through here.

Perfect. I've been meaning to
expose myself to new cultures.

I saw a car the other day
with a Florida license plate.

Imagine that.
[ Door Bell Jingles ]

Whoa. Watch out. Young
businessmen coming through.

Uh, welcome to Five Points Mart.

We have a host of fuels, including
high octane and diesel.

Look, why don't you just
give me a soda, gas man.

And throw in some nachos, will ya?

You fueling up for an
important meeting, fellas?

Who is this person talking to me this way?
No, wise guy. We're not businessmen.

Yeah. We go
to St. Milt's Academy.

Oh, sh*t.
They're prep school kids.

Get 'em!
Get 'em! Get 'em!

Jesus, Cuz, relax, man.
Yeah, take it easy.

You're like a rabid dachshund right now.

I don't like people that
are different than me.

I-I don't understand them,
and it makes me mad.

Hey, this is the Five Points Mart.
It's five, not one.

Maybe his brain can't do the math!
[ Chuckling ]

Cuz does not speak for us all. All right?

We look forward to sharing the mart
with you and learning your customs.

For instance, I notice
that you're mixing sodas.

Yeah, that's right. You got
a problem with that, guy?

No. Relax. It's just an
interesting custom is all.

Yeah. We usually
just drink one flavor.

Why have one flavor when you can have five?
Right, Matty?

We don't need to justify
ourselves to them.

Yeah, we don't need to
justify ourselves to you!

Let's get outta here, Mikey.

Yo, do me a favor.

Have a great frickin' day!

Wh-What's their angle, Matty? You
think they're messin' with us?

Who knows?
We're gone.

I-I just don't get it. I
don't understand. Shh.

Whew. That got
a little tense in there.

Something tells me we'll win 'em over
eventually and we're gonna be great friends.

Yeah, that's true.

Schlock, baby!
[ Mikey Cawing ]

[ Matty Laughing ]

Well, that wasn't very nice. [ Grumbles ]

♪ [ Hip-hop ]

Holla at your boy.

Damn, dude.
♪ [ Ends ]

Why the frick would a person
throw sodas at another person?

It's disrespectful and humiliating.
Also it's a waste of soda.

See, you really can't be making friends
with kids from another school.

Especially them prep school kids.
Them dudes are dicks.

You don't even frickin' know 'em, Darius.

Well, I know they part of an exclusionary
system in America that perpetuates itself.

I know that!
What?

What the frick's he goin' on about?

I'm saying that they are elitist.
They think they better than us.

They are better than us.

They're smarter, they all go to college
and they destroy us at sports.

Well, if you like 'em so much, then why
don't you go there? I would love to.

I'd fit in so much better there.

But my stupid mom would rather pay
for a sunroom than my tuition.

Apparently that's a better
investment than my future.

I thought you liked your mom.

Well, duh.
She's my best friend.

That doesn't mean I can't be mad at her.
It's healthy.

Sort of like this carrot.

[ Joel, Gary Grumbling ]

Hey, what's up, dog dicks?
Oh, sh*t, Russ.

Did you get attacked
by prep school kids too?

What's a prep school kid?
You make up that?

It's a kid that wears suits, goes to a private
academy and gets a much better education.

That's friggin' stupid.

No, man, I was rolling
around at the dump. Why?

It feels good on my skin, and I find cool
stuff like weapons and romantic magazines.

Oh! Holy smokes! He's got a
bounty of pornos in here.

You guys wanna look at 'em with me later?

There's one where a guy puts
his thumb up a girl's butt,

like Peter Piper pulling out a plum.

Nah, man. I wouldn't even
enjoy p*rn*graphy right now.

I'm so frickin' disturbed
by that incident earlier.

Y'all need to go down there
and mash them fools, for real.

And what, perpetuate more violence?

Two rational groups of people should
be able to share a piece of land...

without k*lling each other.

- Seems sensible.
- [ Darius Scoffs ]

All right. Well,
y'all on y'all's own.

Yo, Russ, can a brother holla at some
of them magazines? Look at that, man.

It's like a tiny red pepper going
inside of a hamburger bun.

[ Scoffs ]

[ Mikey ] And they got
buttons and a zipper.

Look at 'em. They're
no different than us.

They're chucklin' and carryin' on in the
same style as someone from Maynord.

Ugh. That's disgusting.
Why would you mix sodas?

To show St. Milt's that we're
accepting of their customs.

Well, that's a disturbing custom.

All right, I'm gonna go hit
these two prep school girls up,

see if they wanna be my friend.

Okay, so she's, like, "You've
got eight curling irons."

You don't know me.

[ Muttering ]

Whoa. Who's that beastly creature?
[ Door Bell Jingles ]

Vocays, man. We got vocational
school kids hanging out here now.

They seem like a real intense bunch.
Oh, yeah.

Set up shop in the back
alley, building stuff.

Word is they drink motorized oil.

You think they got
an engine inside of 'em?

Uh, no. I think they have the same
parts in 'em as everybody else.

Should we include them in our peaceful talks?
No, we should keep our distance.

[ Laughing ] Oh, my God.
That's so amazing.

"We are such stuff as dreams are made
on, rounded with a little sleep."

- Huh?
- I'm quoting the Bard.

- Who?
- William Shakespeare?

The Bard of
Stratford-upon-Avon?

You guys go
to St. Milt's, right?

Uh, yeah.

Come on! You have the best A.P.
English program in the state.

- That's one of the main reasons I wanted to go there.
- Where do you go?

Well, technically I go to Maynord,
but I think I would fit in better--

[ Coughing ]
[ Laughing ]

Looks like the Mule got wet.
What the hell?

Ugh!
It's all mixed too.

[ Spits ]

Pardon me. I just need
to grab some sweetener.

Do they have
agave here, or--

[ Woman ] Andrew, I do not
want you drinking coffee.

I guess you don't want me to
get good grades either, Mom,

because I wanted to stay up late
studying my honors English exam.

Ah, that vile wench doth bristle
my thorns like a winter's rose.

Wow.
That's... very eloquent.

Sorry about your mom.
She seems like a real crab.

Indeed.
She has her moments.

But, alas, she's still my best friend.

Wha--?

I used to have a twin brother,
but he died horribly.

Majestic, isn't she?
Powerful even.

Huh?
Travelers Road.

The unexpected intersection of roads of
different sizes converging in perfect harmony.

[ Tires Screech ]
Whoa!

Smoked him! Did you see that?

Guess that cars are still getting
a feel for the intersection.

Sorta like we're getting
a feel for each other.

Yeah. Who are you and why
are you talking to me?

We met the other day when you
beamed various foods at us.

But we don't hold a grudge.

Actually, we're trying
to understand you more.

Even givin' mixed soda a try.

Hey. That is our thing! You got
no right to ape us like that!

What? We're not aping anyone. Relax.

Man. You guys are real confrontational.
Yeah. We wanna get along.

This is our school flag.

We figure we could hang it inside the mart
alongside yours as a sign of solidarity.

Uh, what is this, some
sort of deformed horse?

What are you t--
No, it's a mule.

Hey, no making up creatures.

It's not a made-up creature.
It's just a dumb creature.

What? No, its not. Mules
can kick in any direction.

Even sideways.

What's your frickin' mascot?

[ Recording: Horse Whinnying ]
The Flaming Stallion.

Oh! How'd you get it to make that sound?
You just push the button.

[ Whinnying ]

There's a very small
watch battery inside there.

Wow. That's an incredibly badass mascot.
Congratulations.

So you guys wanna hang flags
and make peace or what?

If I wanted to hang around
garbage, I'd be a garbageman.

Or the friend of a garbageman...

who travels with him every
day, learning the trade...

so he can capitalize on their strong
pension and health care benefits.

What the hell does that mean?

It means you're public school trash.

We're not trash. What would St. Milt
say if he heard you talking like that?

You know what? Just give us our
flag back, and we'll be on our way.

Uh, sure thing. No problem. Mikey,
why don't you give 'em their flag.

I think it's got a fever,
'cause it's burning up.

[ Gasps ] What the hell!

That's a desecration!

That's a frickin' desecration! That's it.

- Screw this!
- Aah!

I'm wet! Oh-h*! Nice! Hah!

Ohh!

Hey, fellas,

can you show these guys that
they just made a big mistake?

[ Boys Chuckling, Murmuring ]

You know what this means.
Time to go to w*r.

Oh! Watch the road.
Man, they are zoomin'.

[ Grunting ]

Shame people can't get along
in this world, Gary.

You try, but when it comes down
to it some people are dicks,

and dicks are a threat to peace.

Now let's go over the plan.
Objective one.

Use Travelers Road
to access St. Milt's campus.

Possibly enjoy foreign
scenery along the way.

- Objective two.
- Fill their school with trash...

in a gesture of defiance and humiliation.

They think we're public trash?
We'll use it to our advantage.

We'll strike today, and
tomorrow, and the next day,

until they relent control of the mart
to people of more peaceful ideals.

Lucky for us we got the largest dump
in the state providing ammunition.

You guys want some medical
waste to throw at 'em?

What? No, we don't want
any medical waste, Russ.

Honestly, you should stay
away from that stuff.

Why? It's friggin' badass.
It's got skulls all over it.

You got room for one more?

[ Gary ] Darius?

What are you doing here?
I'm joining up.

Be obliged if you'd let me come along.

Uh, why are you talking like that?

I'm just trying to add some drama to the
damn-- Can a brother come along or what?

I have a personal qualm. See, I didn't
always hate these St. Milt's fools.

Matter of fact, there was a time
I wanted to be one of 'em.

You wanted to go
to St. Milt's?

More than anything else in the world.

But they denied me on account
of the color of my skin.

What?
That's messed up, dude.

I know.

I thought those days were behind us.

That's not what I'm talking about. Why
would you want to go to St. Milt's?

You're a Maynord man.

Because it's
a good-a*s school.

They got a planetarium there. Damn!

But that's not the point. I'm talking
about racism here. Can I do that?

I can't believe he wanted
to go to another school.

I'd be lying if I said
I wasn't disappointed in him.

Let's just frickin'
go on our mission already.

I'll stay here and guard the
dump so the preps don't take it.

I pronounce the dump
to be property of Maynord,

and all preps should be banned.

Okay. I don't think any preps are gonna
be coming around here, Russ, so--

Prep! Prep!
Prep!

Holy sh*t. Look at that. Get him, Russ.

Tides have turned. We got a black
president, in case you didn't know.

[ Grunts ]

[ Groans ] Gods, I've been struck!

That's right. Medgar Evers.
School integration.

Rosa Parks! That's right. Antwone Fisher.
State your intentions, prep.

I-I seek only courtship,
kind sir.

Huh?
Andrew!

My sweet.
Are you okay?

[ Coughing ] Am I bruised?

Megan? Okay, what the
frick's goin' on here?

You're dating a guy from St. Milt's?
Whose side are you on?

The side of love.

And because of all this tension,

we have to secretly meet
in unsavory places...

for a few fleeting moments together.

It's like Romeo and Juliet.

Did Romeo and Juliet
hook up at the dump?

- Look, I just want to be happy.
- Well, you being happy is making me sick.

Let's go, fellas.

Good luck, guys. I'll stand
here and guard this as*h*le.

[ Coughs ] Oh, foul beasts
and their wretched w*r.

They have broken my skin,
but they have not broken...

my spirit.

Man, they are perfect for each other.

What the--
This is a school?

It looks like the home
of an English prince.

Why would they wanna hang out at a gas mart so bad?
Look at this majestic lawn.

I know we're supposed
to respect differences,

but I can't like a man who's
not grinnin' ear to ear...

when he's running
through a field of grass.

[ Grunting ]

Travelers Road.

Man, this ain't no road.
This thing's a damn freeway.

Almost got clipped
by an 18-wheeler.

Oh, sh*t. That's nicer
than the brochure.

Well, not for long.
Let's start dumping.

[ Wind Blowing ] Ah, sh*t. The
wind's just blowing the trash away.

Man, they even got the
heavenly powers on their side.

Probably the breath of St.
Milt blowin' from above.

[ Man ] It's a self-cleaning lawn.
[ Both Gasp ]

It works through a series
of solar powered turbines.

Wow! It's a distinguished
black man, you guys.

Probably the custodian. Lord knows
they wouldn't let him into the school.

- Am I right, brother?
- I'm actually the headmaster.

You the what?
Dean Griffith-Joyner.

No relation to Florence, or
"Flo-Jo," as she calls herself.

By the way, you're all trespassing
and breaking the law.

Come on. Let's go.

Then he gonna try to tell me that 25%
percent of the student body is black.

He probably just lumping in the Caribbeans with it.
Okay? That's gonna skew the numbers.

Take Rihanna, okay? She ain't black.
She ain't no Mary J. Blige.

The b*tch grew up eatin' mango.

I ain't sayin' she can't sing.
She a modern-day Diana Ross.

But if you grow up eatin' mangoes, you can't
consider yourself part of the struggle.

Oh, give it a rest, Darius.
Yeah. Who cares?

I do. I want to know why I didn't get in.

Now I'm starting to wonder
if it was my essay.

I can crunch a number like popcorn,
but I ain't no Shakespeare.

Thank you, Ms. Stark. You run
a fine institution here.

Thank you,
Dean Griffith-Joyner.

All right. The dean and I
have worked it all out.

I think you'll find that we've
come to a reasonable solution.

Whew. Finally, some
rational frickin' judgment.

Now, you're hereby
forbidden from the mart,

but in return you can have
full use of the dump...

and its biomedical waste facility.

Huh?
What?

That's a terrible deal. Hold on.
There's more.

You can use the mart to purchase gas...

if you eat trash for the
amusement of the prep students.

Eat trash?
Whose side are you on?

Huh. That part does
seem fairly punitive.

That's it. You know what? I got an idea.

I'm gonna go pull out my essay, see
how it reads and gauge from there.

'Cause as I recall, man, it was on the up-and-up.
It was a hot number.

Why would you ever agree to that?
You sold us out.

I'm a public school administrator.

I have too much on my plate.

Besides, you'll never get along with the preps.
You're too different.

- What kind of lesson is that?
- A good one.

You'll be losing to these
people your whole lives.

Perhaps when you're
servicing their car someday,

you can steal some change
out of their ashtray.

I know you got a lot on
your plate, Ms. Stark,

but it would've been nice if you
had at least stuck up for us.

I'm sorry I disappointed you.

I assure you it will happen again.

All right. Let's just
go down to the dump.

Guess I wouldn't mind seein' what
that medical waste is all about.

No! Screw that. We're not letting them win.
Gary, we can't beat those guys.

They whipped us at every turn.

I know we can't beat 'em on our own,
but I know where we can get some help.

Uh, Vocays? I don't know if
we should do this, Gary.

[ Electricity Crackling ] [ Grunting ]

These guys are savages.

And that guy's definitely
drinking motor oil.

Ah.

This is w*r, Joel.

Sometimes you gotta align with people
you don't see eye to eye with.

Sometimes those people drink motor oil.

- Hey, Vocays!
- [ Grumbling, Muttering ]

- We have a proposition for you.
- [ Guttural Moaning ]

- [ Chuckles Weakly ]
- [ Grunts ]

- [ Both Gasp ]
- [ Shouting, Cheering ]

Well, we're dead.

I don't know about these
shady fools over here.

They're not invincible.
They're just men in ties.

I ain't talking about them. I'm talking
about them Vocays. They freakin' me out.

That dude over there drinkin' motor oil.
[ Gary ] No, that's just water.

They reuse the motor oil
containers when they're done.

They're very into the green lifestyle.

The Vocays are actually good
people and expert tradesmen.

Real into p*rn*graphy too. We
gave them some from the dump.

That's one custom everyone shares.

Anyway, before this sh*t goes down,
you mind peeping this essay?

It's what I wrote for my St. Milt's application.
I thought it was pretty dope.

"Rudy Jenkins and the Curious Case of the
Missing Juice Box." Sounds like a kids book.

No, it's a detective story, fool.

It's about a juice box, but it's also a
metaphor about a young man finding himself,

which is the greatest
mystery of all, you know.

You wrote a detective story about
a juice box for your application?

Just give me that. Man, you probably
don't even know what a metaphor is.

When's this sh*t gonna start?
May never start.

Russ is over there right now reading
them our terms of surrender.

"From here forth you are
banned from the mart.

If you do not surrender, you will
be annihilated. [ Slurping ]

The Stallion is not even
that cool of a mascot."

Well, I think it's friggin' cool.

I mean, it's a horse with fire
sh**ting out of his head.

Ah, sh*t, he's going off book.

Why the hell did we let Russ do this anyway?
He's expendable.

You're supposed to put the
grunts on the front lines.

What is he doing with those hot dogs?

[ Gary ] Maybe he's using
them to make a point?

♪ And Mr. Hot Dog Man ♪

♪ Runnin' around with his hot dogs ♪

♪ Look at me I'm the Hot Dog Man ♪

[ Joel ] Wait. Here we go.
They're reading it.

Unbelievable!
Another desecration.

Clearly, they rejected our terms.

Oh, and now they're getting weapons.
This is gonna get ugly.

How's the weather? [
Chattering, Laughing ]

It's rainin', huh?

[ All Muttering Incoherently ]

[ Makes Whooshing Sound ]

I'm not gonna let 'em take this mart...

like that lake took my twin brother.

Giddyup, mighty Stallions!

[ Recordings:
Horses Whinnying ]

They got robots in their
shirts, you guys!

Man, all this over an international
food mart/gas station.

[ Grunting, Yelling ] You know what?
It's worth it.

♪ [ Singing ]

♪ Ave ♪
[ Grunting, Yelling Quiets ]

♪ Maria ♪

♪ Gratia plena ♪
Whoa!

I didn't even know it was a lady.
Yeah, me neither.

It's like the angel
Gabriel singing unto us.

That's a bad b*tch right there.
I'm 'bout to get misty.

- Aah!
- [ Shouting, Jeering ]

Oh! They're throwin'
golf ba*ls!

Oh, y'all gonna come
after the brother first!

That's learned behavior!

- [ Laughing, Chattering ]
- [ Megan ] Stop the violence!

And increase the peace!

Because we're not
that different after all.

I would've never found my first boyfriend if
I hadn't looked beyond the colors of hate.

We once hid like common dogs,

but now we reveal ourselves to you...

so you can learn from us.

Andrew, shut up, and get
the hell over here.

Hey, don't talk to him like that!
This is my boyfriend.

That's my little brother. Jesus Christ!
He's in the sixth grade, you pervert.

Ugh!
That's monstrous!

What? No.
He goes to St Milt's.

Our school's "K" through 12, bird brain!

"K" through--
Is that true, Andrew?

He doth speak the truth, milady.

Why the hell did you lie to me?

I wanted a yank job.
Ugh!

You people are sick.

"K" through 12. What school
has that many grades?

Give me a weapon.
Let's do this.

[ Yelling ]

[ Yelling ]

♪ [ Stereo: Light Jazz ]
♪ [ Humming ]

[ Horn Blasting ]

It's a runaway truck!
Oh, dear!

Hey, this churro's all right.

Maybe other cultures
ain't so b--

[ Kids ] Whoa! [ Shouting, Chattering ]

Oh, sh*t!

Children.
Principal Stark?

I have come to fight alongside of you.
She's come to save us!

Your words stirred something
in me-- the emotion of guilt.

You realize you just caused
a horrible car accident.

Is that right?

Oh, I been mangled
and "mucillated."

Well, I'm just going to get
in my car and drive away.

Screw it.
This place is trashed anyway.

Let's go to the dump! [ Mikey ] I hear
they got a biomedical waste area!

You guys! They're taking the dump!
We gotta go stop 'em!

You know what?
They can have it.

Well, we didn't get the mart,
but they didn't either.

And that's what's important.
Amen to that.

♪ [ Stereo: Light Jazz ]

[ Horns Honking ]

Man, they need to put some
stop lights on this b*tch.