01x09 - Jesse Judge Lawncare Incorporated

[bunniefuu]

Stroke! Stroke!

Come on, Darius! We almost got it! Pull!

It's too damn hot out here. Damn. You got me sweatin' in my new threads.

What do you mean? That's the same thing you always wear.

I re-upped. All right? My other sh*t was getting worn. Jeans had a little fray in the cuff.

Shirt was fading. I like that "fresh out the box" look.

Yo, those shoes are white as paper.

Yeah, man. Moms bumped up my allowance.

See I laid out my case...

told her I was maturin' and my scrilla needed to reflect that.

Man! I don't get no g*dd*mn allowance.

Me neither. We've been wearing the same clothes for years.

Don't y'all outgrow stuff?

That's what the sewing kit's for.

You can adjust it to any size you want. I'm like my own tailor.

I haven't grown in ages... aside from my pit hair.

It's long as hell. I'm like freakin' Rapunzel.

Come on. One more pull, we can get this thing off.

Stroke!

Whoo! Man, yo.

Y'all need to get a dad.

Can't be doin' this.

The pool is officially open for the season.

Man, I ain't gettin' in that damn water. Look like Katrina rolled through this b*tch.

You got a tree stickin' out, bunch of tadpoles swimming around.

There's tadpoles in there? That's awesome!

Yeah! They're everywhere.

I swallowed a ton of 'em when I was underwater.

We're sitting on an unpolished gem here, fellas.

Okay? A pool and no parents?

Let's take your messed-up situation and use it to our advantage.

Can we do that, please?

Blastin' tunes, dance mounds.

Grindin' and gropin'. I'm gonna lose myself in the music.

Yes! That's what I'm sayin'. Okay? It'll be like Diddy's yacht!

Okay? But we got to clean this b*tch up first.

All right. Let's get this tree out of here.



Stroke! Stroke!

- Come on, Daruis! Pull!
- Pff!

I ain't tryin' to be nobody's Dad.

# Pa-la-pa-t-tr-tr #

Y-- G-huh-ah.

Yo, Martin. We need to borrow some yard equipment.

We're making Gary's backyard more welcoming to babes and teenage mischief.

Hey, I don't do the jard stuff no more, boys.

I hired a landscaper... Senor Jesse Judge Lawn Care.

This is a very proud day for me.

A gringo doing my jard?

I went from living a Panamanian nightmare to the American dream.

Yo! Get your piece of the pie, son!

Yeah, Martin!

Hey, jardman! Jou are no better than a dog!

Bow! Bow! Bow!

Heh-heh-heh.

Nah, he's a nice guy. I just always wanted to do that.

Hey, give me some money.

I already gave you jour allowance, Christina.

Geez! Does everyone get a frickin' allowance?

I need to get a new swimsuit. I need to get my nails done. I need to go tanning.

Christina, jou're too tan already.

You look like a... freakin'... ng Shawnee Indian. Heh-heh.

Hey, Pocahontas, y-- Where's the covered wagon, huh? Eh.

- Ah! That's r*cist.
- Heh-heh. Whoa! No way!

I love the Native Americans, but jou don't want to be treated like them in this country.

They get the a shaft.

Give me your credit card.

Wow.

Well, I gotta get to work, boys.

What do you mean? You just got home from work.

No, no. My other job.

You can't eat the sandwich if you don't have the bread, eh?

Oh, let's just get the yardman to help us with the tree.

- Yo, yard dog! You piece of crap!
- Hey, man. Don't talk to him like that.

He's breaking his back out in the hot sun.

Eh, it seemed fun when Martin did it. Yo! Sorry, yard dog!

The name is Jesse.

Jesse Judge.

- Wow.
- Dag.

Who-huh-yah!

Yo, you're strong as hell, Mr. Judge!

You got a sweet tan too.

Your skin's the color of broiled chicken.

Yeah, that's just one of the perks from working outside. All right...

that's 20 for the removal, 40 to chop it up...

uh... 60 if you want me to donate it to the Singular Sclerosis Foundation.

Singular sclerosis? I never heard of that one.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Gets completely overlooked. A multiple's the flashy one. A singular ain't no walk in the park!

Oh, we didn't know this cost money.

Come on, you scrods think I do this sh*t for free?!

I got a business to run here! I'm saving for college.

Sorry, Mr. Judge. We're busted! We haven't got a friggin' allowance.

An allowance? That's just another form of welfare.

You think I got this sh*t 'cause my daddy gave it to me?

- Damn!
- Oh, look at all that cushion.

I make my own allowance.

We could pay you in pot.

- My stepmom's probably got some weed lying around.
- Ah, forget it.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna haul it off anyway. But not for you!

For the victims of singular.

Now come here, you son of a b*tch.

Thanks, Mr. Judge!

Yo, we should just ask Jesse for a job as yardmen. We'd make bank!

Oh! That's better than an allowance.

We could hook up the pool and buy mad speakers and chlorine.

It's more than the pool, man. We're getting older.

We'll need cell phones, new clothes... and eventually, we're gonna start going to the movies.

What are we gonna do? Take girls to a movie on our bike handles and pay in seashells, man?

That's a foolish existence!

Well, if we want money, we're gonna have to work for it.

Mr. Judge, can we respectfully ask you a question?

Yo! Check it out! I'm a yardman!

Look at these snippers, yo! It's made outta full stainless steel!

All right, all right. Calm down, ya freakin' chagos.

I'm giving you a shot here. If it works out, you got a job. If not, we're square for the help with the tree.

I gotta go on a mulch run. I'm gonna be back.

Do good.

What the frig?! That car's g*dd*mn insane!

Ah! It's a 4000ZX!

Yo, you got any options on that?

What do you think? It's the Paradise Edition.

- Oh, sh*t!
- It's the frickin' Paradise Edition!

How does he afford that?!

The guy must have more money than Africa!

Yo, if we get this job, we could both wind up driving Paradise Editions!

We'll've sweet clothes, dope rides and bodies to match!

Time to go to work.

Right, right. I see what you did here.

Ooh! Goddag it!

That edge just gave me a paper cut.

Who cut this thing so g*dd*mn sharp?!

Yo, that was me. Sorry.

Don't be sorry. It's beautiful.

This is how you edge a lawn! Right here!

Now the bushes. Let's talk about that. Who did those?

Yo, Jesse, that's me! Do you like 'em?

No. They're a mess.

What is this? I'm gonna be sick over here.

The clippers got too heavy, so I just started to pull the rest of the bush out with my hands.

I cut them up pretty bad.

I hope our work has pleased you. And I hope that we continue working together in the future. Thank you, Mr. Judge.

With an edge like that, I'd be a chode not to bring you on.

Welcome to Jesse Judge Lawn Care, Incorporated.

- We did it! We did it!
- Yes! I knew it!

We're gonna be ballin', man! We're gonna be ballin'!

Yeah, not you though. You're too small, kid.

You couldn't even hold the clippers.

- What?!
- What?!

I'm not too small!

I'm tough and I'm strong, and I'll frickin' mow so fast, it'll make your eyes blaze!

Urgh-heh!

Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

Stroke! Heh-uh.

I can't do it.

With all due respect, Mr. Judge, I'm not working without him!

What the hell you doin' right now?

You're turning down a golden opportunity. This is a chance to work with Jesse frickin' Judge!

No! We're supposed to be doing this together.

News flash, Gary. I don't got the strength! I'm undersized.

All right, come on. Eh, what's the word here? You in or you out?

I gotta mulch the public library tomorrow.

You got a library contract?! Yo, that's prestigious as all hell!

They let me keep books out as long as I want.

He'll do it, Mr. Judge.

Dude. You sure?

Just look me in the eye and promise me 1 thing.

What?

When you get that Paradise Edition... I'm riding shotgun.

Damn right you are.

Nnph.

I can't lift my damn arms. I shredded 'em starting the mower.

Haw-uh.

Poohwa!



Whoo-hoo!

All right, let's roll. Huh-huh!

Yo! You forgettin' somethin'?

W-what are you doing here? It's 6 in the morning.

Wanted to see you off on your first day of work.

Brought you lunch.

Couple loose dogs for you to snack on.

Figured you could keep 'em in your mouth like a cigar so your hands are free for mowing.

Thanks, man.

Just want to maximize your productivity is all.

M-- What are you gonna do?

Someone's gonna need to take care of your yard while you're gone.

It'll be good practice for me. Seems like a winning equation.

That's a good attitude.

All right. Grass is growing. We should be mowing. Come on.

Work hard, work proud, never give up!

I'll be here gettin' stronger.

Hu-duh! Eh-eh.

Hu-uwha!

Hu-dha!

- Use the choke.
- Uwha!

I'll choke the freakin' bolts right out of its brain! It's just...

I-- I know how to freakin' do it! Just get outta here!

Uwha!

Damned idiot mower!

Ugh!

Heh-eh.

It's a beautiful day to be a yardman!

Rock and roll!

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah, Jesse! Do it! Style it up!

Gary? What are you doing in my yard?

Tossing mulch. I'm on Mr. Judge's crew.

You know that mulch is mostly horse manure.

Really? Ah, dag! I've been biting my nails all day.

You are so lucky you have a job.

You don't get no allowance either?

No, I get an allowance. I just wanna make my own money.

When it's your parents' money, they have control over you.

Honey, you almost ready for the bikini hunt?

Ugh. She's dragging me bathing-suit shopping today.

I don't even have a bathing suit. I just swim in my underwear.

Well, that's... gross, but I do admire your independence.

Mom, I don't want a bikini. I want a one-piece.

Oh. Well, why don't you just wear a chastity belt?

Why don't I get a job with Jesse Judge and buy my own bathing suits?

Paul, Megan's saying she wants to be a landscaper now. Ugh.

Call Dr. Fitzpatrick.

Don't call Dr. Fitzpatrick!

Sweetie, you have a nice body.

Doesn't she, Gary?

- Uh.
- No, go ahead.

Answer her.

Well, you don't got no boobs, but you're skinny and stuff, so you might look good in a bikini.

I am lean.

Fine, I'll try the bikini on, but I want something with coverage.

You did shave your feminine area, right?

Ugh.

Hey. You handled that good, kid.

People think we're just pulling weeds and dropping mulch.

But we're a part of these people's lives.

We don't just take care of the yard. We take care of them.

You hear me?

- Yes, sir.
- That's good.

You got manure all over your face.

Come on, let's roll.

Heh-uh.

Ow.

Heh-ew!

Ah.

Upsh.

Yo! What's up, Sid?

Oh. Sorry, mate.

Mistook you for a yard gnome.

Yeah, it's 'cause of my size. What are you doin' here?

Having a bit of a swim. I like to pop in when no one's around.

Don't make a thing of it.

Where's the bushy-haired fella anyway? I thought you two were inseparable.

He's got a new yard job.

I wasn't strong enough.

A job, eh?

I used to have one of those.

No sh*t. Were you successful, man?

I was an ecological lawyer.

You defended the environment?

No.

I attacked it.

I worked for corporations, made a shitload of cash.

I had it all.

Money, success, a beautiful wife, children, the whole lot.

The only thing I didn't have... was a life.

So I quit...

and moved here to start fresh.

And it was the best decision I ever made.

Oh, damn! Seriously?!

Working's for the dead, mate. Life... is for the living.

That's exactly what I needed to hear.

This has been a real good talk, Sid.

You invigorated my spirit.

Anytime, mate.

Yo, what happened to your family?

Oh. I abandoned them.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

I'll bet you miss 'em.

Nah.

You really showed me somethin' today.

You left nothin' out there on the lawn.

That's my friggin' nature.

Definitely wearin' sunscreen tomorrow though.

Pss. Why don't you just check yourself into a sclerosis clinic?

That stuff's pure chemicals. Look, get yourself a base, keep an eye on your moles, and you'll be fine.

A golden tan is one of the best perks of this job.

Right! Frick! You are so smart.

Someday, I'm gonna get out of this town...

go to Californ-i-a.

Yo, you could be a yardman to the stars!

You think I'm gonna bust my nuts working yards for the rest of my life?

Nah, man.

I'm doing this so I can make something of myself.

I'm gonna go to school.

Los Angeles University.

Maybe I'll be a spine surgeon.

sh*t.

Ain't no grass in California.

Just sand and dreams.

You're gonna make it out there. I know you will!

Yeah, yeah. Hey, you know, uh...

I'm gonna need someone to take care of my business when I'm gone.

Me?

Hey! Just keep doin' what you're doin'.

Here's your haul for the day.

Holy frick!

Yo, this is more money than I've ever seen in my entire life.

Come on. I'll take you home.

Actually...

drop me off at the mall instead.

Pha-huh-huh!

Clean.

♪

Look at the size of that speaker, man!

We're gonna blast tunes and wild out.

We're gonna get pissed and rage.

About damn time.

What are we waitin' for, man?! Let's freakin' jump in!

Nah, man. Big D don't do pools.

You know, I like the vibe and the tropical nature and sh*t. I just don't go in 'em. You know what I'm sayin'? I got body issues.

What the hell are you talkin' about?!

This whole thing was your idea!

Why you think I wear all these nice-a*s clothes?

To distract them from what's underneath, man. My shirt stays on at all times.

If anybody ask, I just tell 'em I got a scar from heart surgery as a kid.

See, then I got their sympathy.

Ugh! You gotta be freakin' kiddin' me.

Yo! This place looks awesome!

It's like a cross between a resort and a dirt-bike track!

Sid guided me through my crisis, and I'm embracing a life of leisure.

Whoa! What the hell's that shiny thing around your neck?!

I picked it up at the mall on the way home.

They got a gold store there?

They got some pretty cool fashion boutiques too.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph! That's bad as hell!

Thanks, man! I'm gon' sport this at the party tomorrow.

What's tomorrow?

We're having a kick-off party for the pool!

Yeah, man, we 'bout to set this baby off.

Dag! I gotta work tomorrow.

What the hell?! What, you gonna work every day of your life?!

When we're supposed to be rumpusing and having fun?!

Yo, I got a golden opportunity to get a piece of the American dream!

Jesse said I could take over the business when he goes away to school.

Oh, great! Have a nice life.

Dude, what are you talkin' about?! I'm gonna hire you!

To be what, a lawn gnome?!

I'm not freakin' big enough! Okay? Get it through your skull!

You're a frog, I'm a tadpole, and that's it!

Ain't never gonna change!

Enjoy your Paradise Editions... and malls filled with gold.

Eh, aw, man, that's tough.

That's tough, man. Y'all boys too? Umm.

'Ey, uh, this might not be the right time, but can you peel off a few dollars for the party for snacks and such?

Like, say, like, maybe let me hold 20?

All right. Here.

I mean, if you got 40, I'll take that. Whatever you wanna--

Anyone asks me why I'm wearing a shirt, I got my ribs ripped out by a Bengal tiger--

That-that's not even a believable story.

I was throwing cotton candy at a Bengal tiger, and he tried to maul me!

So that's the story you givin' 'em? You ribless now?

Oh-h*, man!

Why are you grillin' me?

This is a natural reaction that people are gonna have when a man's telling them that he got his ribs ripped out at a zoo.

Hey! Heh-heh-heh.

That right there... is one of Australia's top lawyers.

Yeah. I'm much take your word on that.

Senor Gary. Excuse me.

Jard dog. Bow wow!

Jard dog guy. Bow wow!

Bow bow bow!

Yaw-aw!

Wow. Martin, you Okay?

It's just a long day at the jobs. Ow!

Bye, Daddy. Thanks for the new bikini.

What the hell?! Pocahontas would never wear something like that!

Because she was a classy woman!

It's the hot modern style!

Jou think John Smith would have gone with Pocahontas if she was dressed like that?!

He would have turned the other way!

What are you doing here?! Why aren't you at your own party?!

Gotta work.

That's a good boy.

Yo, I think you might be workin' too much, man.

Someday, when I have enough savings, I will retire.

I'll sit by the pool and have chips and cerveza and just relax.

Now do me a favor and drag me to the door.

All right. 'Ish!

Bow bow. Bow bow bow.

Man, Christina's really comfortable with her body.

As she should be.

g*dd*mn.

Hey, guys. Not much of a pool party.

There's barely anyone here.

Grab my legs!

I wanna do a keg-stand!

Ain't no way that fool is a lawyer.

Hew. Well, at least we don't have to take our clothes off.

Yo, why is everyone standin' around with their shirts on?!

We're ashamed of our bodies. What the frick are you doing here?!

There's no point... busting my a*s for the American dream...

when I already got it right here in front of me!

Sitting by a pool, doing nothing, surrounded by my friends?!

People bust their a*s their whole lives... so they can do exactly this!

That's the dream, and we're all livin' it!

That's it! I'm taking this dang shirt off!

Oh, sh*t.

Thanks, dude, for making me be honest with myself.

I'm a yardman. It's what we do.

Ah, screw it.

- Oh, damn! Doll!
- Oh, damn!
- Look at that sculpted body!

- What?
- Damn, girl. You cut up.

Really?

Sweet.

Guess I do have pretty good abs.

It's from running cross-country.

You look like freakin' Mick Jagger!

Yeah, yeah, yeah! D-d-- Yo. The-the old-a*s singer with the muscles like beef jerky, right? With the big lips?

Beef jerky?

Well, Dr. Fitzpatrick's gonna get an earful of this.

Darius? Your shirt, please.

I'm glad y'all came to terms with y'all's body issues...

but you are never gonna see me with my shirt off, straight-up.

You shine like you. I'm a shine like me. Okay?

I'm leaving. This party sucks.

Uh-ah!

What?

My lawn!

My beautiful lawn!

Holy sh*t!

Martin, what happened?!

Jou tell me, guy!

Jou've ruined all that I've worked for!

Debo decir a hora mijito. Noy nani--

Christ, Martin, it's just a lawn. Get a hold of yourself.

Mr. Rivera, I came over here as soon as when I got your call!

I drove like a numskull the whole way here!

Ah, no!

My eyes gotta be in a deception mode! What is this?!

What happened, Gary? What did you do?

I didn't do nothing. I swear! I just threw the horseshit all over it!

I did it.

And the gnome helped.

Joel Zymanski, how could you--?

He said it was fertilizer! I thought I was helping you!

I felt bad about giving you grief before.

This tastes like chlorine!

This son of a b*tch chlorined the lawn!

I liberated it.

And I liberated you... all of you.

You're mad about these lawns.

All the pruning and the shaping and the mowing. And this guy with his mulch. Heh.

It's a living thing.

Should be allowed to flourish...

just as ourselves.

It's all right, Jesse. It's just a lawn.

No, it ain't about that!

I went to the skin doctor's yesterday.

I got the melanoma!

Aw, sh*t. You're cancerous?

Too much time in the sun, I guess.

All right, Gary, let's get to work, seeding Mr. Rivera's lawn! h*!

Jesse, y-you need to stop worryin' about lawns...

and start worrying about yourself.

I can do anything my mind believes to do.

I'm gonna get to California someday.

I'm Jesse Judge, you know?

M-- Sure. We know you are.

You'll have to go to chemo first.

Probably have a few surgeries. Get the roots out and all that.

- What the hell is wrong with you?!
- Damn, Sid!

What? We're talkin' about cancer here.

Well... we've learned a lot of lessons from this experience.

Yeah. Mostly, wear sunscreen.

And you should probably call your kids too.

Nah, I'm not gonna do that.