01x06 - Nits

[bunniefuu]

♪

And m-my brother's in Iraq. He-he's in the freakin' army!

A-and he sent me, uh... a helmet a-and b*ll*ts and stuff.

What the hell are you talking about?

You wanna go to the dance with me?

Man, this is freakin' bullshit. She said I look like a troll!

Yo. This helmet's bad as hell. You think it can stop b*ll*ts?

I'm trying... to have... an emotional conversation with you!

Is my face gruesome?

I-I wan-I wanna find a date to the dance, man.

Dude, why you getting so frigged out about a stupid formal?

Everyone in the school's going.

You want to friggin' dance, just dance in your room. I do it every day.

Yo, you know how to do spin moves?

Of course. I know how to do double spins. Friggin' ask Gary.

I can't. He-he's making out with Tina Belosky in the third stairwell.

'T the frick are you talkin' 'bout?!

What the-- He's frickin' making out with her, man!

Their tongues are moving like tornadoes!

Yeah, Gary! Finger-blast her!

Ah, shut up, Russ. That's inappropriate. It's a romantic moment.

His hands, her butt-- His hands are on her butt. It's friggin' hot.

Oh, you spit your gum in my mouth.

Holy heck!

We were just sitting in homeroom, and Tina gave me a piece of candy, and I was just like...

"Let's go to the frickin' dance together."

And she said, "yes!"

And next thing I know, we're making out in the third stairwell!

- So, what? Is she, l-like, your girlfriend now?
- I don't know.

We didn't really talk about it.

Damn, dude! I didn't realize everyone was going to the frickin' dance.

Darius, are you going too?

Hell, yeah. You gotta go to the dance.

Dances are times of significant sexual benchmarks in a young man's life.

It all goes down at the dance.

Like... sexual eroticism?

Yup. The nice clothes and the limos and sh*t.

Girls talking about, "I feel like a princess."

It just stirs up something inside 'em, man. They liable to do some sh*t they normally wouldn't do.

It's an environment of seduction.

And that's why these dances are so messed up.

First there's all this pressure to find a date, then there's all this pressure to sleep with them.

It's like emotional r*pe!

Emotional-- Girl... you too negative.

I think it's nice, with the flowers and the slow dancing and sh*t. It's romantic. Man, ain't enough romance these days.

- Wow, Darius. I didn't realize you were so sensitive.
- I ain't no stone.

Frankly, I think I might be in love.

With who?

This girl in my choir class... Lisa.

I ain't asked her to the dance yet. I'm just waiting for the right moment to, you know.

Ugh! I gotta find a friggin' date, man!

I don't wanna be the only one not going.

And I don't wanna go without you.

- Seriously?
- Uff. It's not even an issue.

Solution found.

Joel, why don't you and me go together?

It takes all the pressure off, and we don't have to worry about the sexual stuff.

What do you mean?! The sexual stuff is the best part!

Yeah, I wanna bone like a dog!

Oh! I know. I'm gon' ask Rocket t*ts.

Yeah. You guys already hooked up once.

I put my friggin' tongue on her n*pples.

Sure did. You done laid the groundwork, son.

Her boobs are heavier than my head.

TMI! TMI! Too much information.

Yo, Danielle. I gotta talk to you.

What? I'm texting.

It's frickin' important!

You want to go to the formal with me?

Um... I don't know.

Why the frig not?

I heard some older guys might ask me, and I'd rather go with them, so...

What if they don't ask you and I wind up porkin' someone else? You'll be pissed.

Come on. Make up your mind already. Just go with me.

Well, are you gonna wear nice clothes?

Yeah. I'm gonna look like a handsome gentleman. I'll put mousse gel in my hair.

Okay.

Yes!

I'm not gonna have sex with you though, Okay?

Uh, that's cool. Can we do other stuff?

Yeah. I'll make a love list.

What the hell's that?

It's a list of things I'm willing to do. We'll figure it out beforehand.

- Can I make a request?
- No.

- All right. Sounds good.
- Cool.

All right. That was so fun, the kissing.

Yo, dude! I got a date! Danielle said yes!

Oh, sweet, dude! Yes, yes, yes!

She wants me to fill out a sexual survey or somethin'.

You should make a request that she touch your bird.

I tried. She said no requests.

Yo, this dance is gonna be awesome, dude.

I didn't care before, but now I wanna go more than anything in the world!

It's probably going to be more romantic than anything we've ever experienced.

It's the freakin' Night of a Thousand Lights. It's gonna be beautiful.

Yo, I think Tina's gonna sleep over afterwards.

What? You serious?!

Is my best friend telling me he's gonna have a girl sleeping over right now?

Dude, I'm dead serious!

She's telling her mom she's going to her friend's house.

I haven't seen my stepmom in days, so I got the whole place to myself.

Dag. Maybe I can get Rocket t*ts to lie to her mom too.

Yeah, dude! We'll get wine coolers...

- loosen the mood.
- Huh, huh! This is crazy, man! I'm so pumped!

- I feel like dancing right now.
- Do it, man! Bust it!

Do a twist.

Yo, yo, yo! Do a double twist!

I'm playing in B-flat, when I was supposed to be playing in B-minor.

H-h-hmm. Oh, you are so funny.

You should've seen their faces.

Faces? I'm worried about their ears.

- Heh, heh, heh.
- Ha-ha!

- Good one, Darius.
- Let me get the door for you, girl.

Man! I've never seen him like this.

I know. He's acting like a nerd.

Well, love makes you do crazy things.

Yeah.

You mind if I dance again?

Joel Zymanski, please report to the nurse's office immediately.

Russ, what are you doing here?

I got nits, man.

What are nits?

Dude, he's got bugs living in his head.

They're laying eggs in my skull!

Oh. That's dicked out, yo.

Joel, you probably got 'em too, man!

Huh? What the hell are you talking about?!

I got 'em from the freakin' army helmet.

Y-you wore it too, Joel. You're infected! We're both infected!

No he's not, man. Shut up! His skull's impenetrable!

Eh, eh, egh.

We both got nits. It's all over.

Ah, crap.

Eh, eh.

This is awesome, man! We don't gotta go to school now!

It's not awesome, Russ. It's humiliating.

Stay strong, brother! He'll be fine.

He's gonna be fine. He's the strongest kid I know.

I saw him do a friggin' double twist the other day.

I'm so mad at you right now. I can't believe you gave me nits, Russ.

It wasn't me. It was the helmet. It must've been from Iraq.

Oh, yeah?! They don't got nits in Iraq! It's a friggin' desert!

You probably had 'em already, and you gave 'em to the helmet, and then the helmet gave 'em to me!

You think nits could live in outer space?

Ugh.

Yo, Joel. I got your books for you.

I'm in the basement!

I'm not allowed to sleep in my bed 'cause it might be contaminated.

I'm a freak of nature.

Oh. Sorry, man.

I'm supposed to put this wash in my hair.

It's a powerful insecticide.

Oh, sh*t. Is it safe?

Hell, yeah. It's government approved.

I just can't get it in my eyes.

Whoa, dude! It says it causes blindness in pigs.

It sounds like the best stuff money can buy.

If I'm not better by the dance, Gary, I'm gon' be emotionally devastated.

Don't say that. Stop being dramatic.

I don't wanna be the kid who couldn't go to the dance because he had bugs... laying eggs in his skull!

It will just be me and Russ Brown, picking nits off each other like a couple trolls!

No! No! No!

You're gonna go to the dance. You're gonna twist, you're gonna spin, you're gonna bone!

Just put that cream in your head and you'll be better in no time, man.

You think so?

Dude... it melts the eyes out of pigs.

- You're in good hands.
- Thanks, man.

Neh, nye!

Aaah-aw!

It burns. Wooo! Whoo!

# I gon' be powerful never givin' up #

# Always fighting har-- #

# Michael, row the boat ashore #

- # Hallelujah #
- # Hallelujah #

Come on, y'all!

# Sister, help to trim the sail #

- That's right. # Hallelujah #
- # Hallelujah #

Uh... Lisa, you were a little flat there.

Man, who you listening to? She got the voice of a angel.

Okay? She sounded like Mariah in '92.

You take that damn flute out your mouth, you might hear what I'm hearing.

Thanks, Darius.

Nah. Thank you.

You got me with that one.

You really got me with that, girl.

Mm-hmm.

From the top.

# Mm-hmm-hm-hmm-- #

Oh! Huh.

- Se-see you later, Darius.
- Can you hang on for a second, Lisa?

'Cause... I need to... holla at you... 'bout somethin'.

- I-if it's about a solo--
- No, no. It's-it ain't about that. Listen. Listen.

E-eh-- O--

You wanna go to the dance with me?

She said, "yes!"

She said yes! Can you believe that sh*t?!

Man, I was all nervous like a little b*tch.

You know what I'm sayin'? She sizin' up Big D the whole time.

Good for you, Darius.

Yo, you should bring her back to my place afterwards.

We're getting wine coolers. We gonna bone out.

Hell to the hell, no!

I want to impress this girl, man. I'm thinking about renting a limo or some sh*t.

Go out to dinner, maybe do a picnic under the stars or somethin'.

Damn, dude. You're gonna sweep her off her feet.

'Cause I'm just trying to be romantic, man. Hey. That's what ballers do.

Ugh! This is crap!

I've asked, like, 20 people to this stupid dance, and I still can't find a date.

You know what? I'm just gonna go by myself, and it will probably... be more fun, and I'm actually excited about it.

Hey, Megan. Are you going to the dance?

Yes, I am. And I'm going by myself.

Oh, really?

Well, I just found someone you could go with, but... I guess if you're going by yourself--

No, I'll go. Who is it?

JoJo Vanetti and his friend don't have dates.

Sweet. I'm in.

What do you mean? You just said you wanted to go by yourself.

Nobody wants to go by themselves. You look like a total loser.

It's worse than having nits.

So I'm going with JoJo? You know I've got a thing for him.

No, no, I'm going with JoJo.

Okay. Who am I going with?

JoJo's friend Dirt.

Dirt? D-I-R-T?

It's a nickname. He's got a car.

Ugh. Why is his name Dirt?

Look, I don't know, Megan, Okay? Are you gonna go or what?

Yes, I'm gonna go. Obviously, of course I'm gonna go. I was just asking. It's an unusual name.

Well, at least it's not as boring as Megan.

Oh, screw you! Your breasts make you look like a freak.

Danielle, what the hell are you talking about? You're already going to the dance with my best friend, Joel.

Oh, yeah. Um... can you give this to him?

Yo. Pick any one of my dad's suits you want.

We gotta look pimp for the dance.

Uh... I don't know, man.

I kind of like the tan.

Actually, I was gonna wear that one.

Tan's my favorite color and stuff, so... you can wear blue.

Oh, yeah. Blue's cool too. I'll look like I'm wearing water.

Hey, how are the nits?

I think they're getting better. I've been practicing my dance moves too.

I did a triple spin this morning.

What?! Are you kidding me right now?!

You think I'm gonna kid about spins?

Man, I hope Danielle can keep up.

Must be hard to dance with boobs that big.

It's like dancing with 2 cats tucked into your shirt.

Danielle actually... gave me this to give to you.

Oh, no sh*t! I bet it's her freakin' love list!

I hope she's gonna touch my bird. I even prayed for it last night.

I felt bad about asking God for it, but he's the one who gave us birds in the first place.

Dude, that's a really good point. I should pray for that too.

"Hey, sexy." Oh, man!

"I've been thinking about you all the time.

"I can't wait to feel your skin rubbing against me.

"I'm gonna lick you all over. I want you to lick me too!"?

Oops. Wrong note. Sorry. That was from Tina to me.

Damn, man. That note is straight boiling.

She's like a seductress.

She's insatiable! We make out all the time.

My mouth's even getting tired.

Yo, man. Give me my damn note.

Oh, I can feel it's gonna be good.

Dear Joel. Hey. What's up?

I can't go to the dance with you anymore.

I'm going with older guys now...

but it's also because of your disease...

and I'm just being honest.

Good luck. Danielle.

Ugh! Whatever. I'll just go with Megan.

No, Megan's got a date now.

What?! Who the hell would go with her?!

Some guy named Dirt.

Dirt? That's the coolest name I ever heard!

I know, right?

So everyone's gon' be going but me. Great.

You're all gon' be getting girls and becoming men, and I'm gon' be left in the dust.

Yo, Joel! It's, it's Russ, man!

Yo, there's dog poop outside your door.

I brought over b*ll*ts and stink bombs.

I don't wanna play with b*ll*ts and stink bombs, Russ. Get out of here.

We both got nits, man. Uh, we gotta stick together. I-it's us against the world now.

Hey, can I still borrow one of your dad's suits?

What? I thought you didn't want to go without me.

Oh, come on, man. Don't do that.

I gotta go. You read that note?

You're choosing a girl... over your best friend?

I'm not choosing anyone over anyone!

I got stresses too! I don't know nothing about a woman's body, and I got one sleeping over tomorrow, and she's sexual as hell!

Just be passionate! That's the most important thing. We talked about this!

You'll be fine.

All right, man. Be strong.

Yes. Yo, Gary!

Take the tan.

It goes good with your hair.

Thanks, man.

Yo, we should call ourselves the Nitwits. We'll be like a freaking g*ng!

We're not calling ourselves the Nitwits, Russ.

Let me see a stink b*mb.

Man. You look freakin' great.

Ugh. You look like a monster.

Bye, guys! Have fun!

Very nice to meet you, Mrs. McKinley.

It was nice to meet you too, Dirt.

I'm not getting into a car with that freak.

I'm so wasted.

You need to start going out with boys, Megan. Your father and I are worried about you.

There's nothing to worry about.

Megan, I'm gonna ask you this once.

Are you g*y?

It's Okay if you are.

What are you even-- You caught me looking at hardcore p*rn*graphy! I'm not g*y!

Then get in that car like a normal teenager and go have some fun!

Ugh! Fine! Whatever! I'm going!

Bye, guys! Have a good time!

And no funny business. A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

♪

Wow. Isn't this nice?

I feel like a princess.

- Hey, guys.
- Oh, hey, Clint. How's it going?

Uh, well, I'm in a state.

I can't find my mike. I'm deejaying and I want it to be perfect.

Maybe you'll find it under that hat.

What? No-no, no. No. You look great, man.

Clint looks great. We all look great. Don't we?

Huh-huh. It's a beautiful night, isn't it?

Ugh. Do you have a key to the music room? I've got a spare mike in there.

I think I've got one in my locker.

Uh-- Darius... do you mind if I go help him for a sec?

Not at all. Let me hold your coat.

- You're so sweet.
- Hope you're not diabetic.

Ha-huh. See you in a few.

Damn, son! That's a old-a*s suit! You look like you done stepped out of a time machine.

It's vintage, man. I borrowed it from Joel's dad.

- How you doin', girl?
- Hi.

- What's up with her?
- Ah, she's just shy. That's her thing.

- Go dow--
- What-- What was that?

Uh, she-she said she's thirsty...

so we-we gotta go get a drink.

Damn! That's a sexual woman right there.

Mmph!

I feel like we're sitting on a speaker. What is this music?

Do not embarrass me. Just shut up and be cool.

Yo, throw your empties out the window so there's no evidence.

Whoo-hoo! Yeah, baby. A'ight!

What are you doing, Dirt?! Are you crazy?!

Oh, sh*t! Dark drive, son. Dark drive! Dark drive!

Megan? Are we gonna be Okay?

Probably not.

I love this music.

- We're invincible, yo!
- Yeah!

Whoa!

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

Oh, sh*t. 5-0. 5-0!

- Oh, sh*t, JoJo. They're coming for us.
- Thank God.

I know. Oh, geez.

Oh, now settle down. We're in public.

Man, this is bullshit.

Where this girl at?

Hello, everyone.

Joel!

You came.

I brought Russ as my date.

We're freakin' here together, banding against discrimination.

We're the Nitwits and we're proud!

We're not... frickin' Nitwits, man!

I told you. I'm not joining that.

We're just standing up for our Constitutional rights.

Tina just asked me to be her boyfriend.

Whoa! That seems a bit fast, but... good for you.

Hey! What is this? You two are not allowed to be here.

We are not animals, Principal Stark! We're allowed to be here as much as anyone else!

Yeah. We're new best friends.

No, we're not best friends. Damn it, Russ. Come on.

Come on, man. Let's-let's jump this b*tch.

Let's jump this b*tch cop and run.

No, don't-- 'N-n't-- Megan... I'm scared.

Oh, relax. The police are here. We're gonna be Okay now.

Okay. You guys are free to go.

- Have a nice night.
- Thank you, ma'am. Good night to you as well.

- How the hell did she let you go?
- FOP card, son.

Fraternal Order of Police. It's like a "Get out of jail free" card. My uncle's a cop.

You gotta be kidding me.

Yo, crack that rum. Crack that rum, son.

Huh! Yeah, sh*t, dude!

Smokin', jokin', drinkin', stinkin'.

- Yeah!
- Ugh!

This is the worst night ever!

# Michael, row your boat ashore #

# Hallelujah #

What in the sh*t--!

- Oh, my God!
- Ain't this some bullshit!

Lisa, you supposed to be my date.

Darius, it's complicated. W-we have a connection.

You got a connection with Clint?

Girl, I bought you flowers.

I got 2 bouquets and wrapped 'em into 1 so they'd look full!

- Are you crying?
- Nah. Nah.

Cool. Ha-huh.

Here's your coat, Lisa.

It's dirty, like your conscience.

I'm not going anywhere. Just 'cause I got nits don't mean I should be excluded from the most erotic event of my teen life.

You're not allowed to be here because you're incredibly contagious.

Yo. I can't find the stink bombs.

- What is he talking about?
- Uh-- N-nothing.

Shut up, Russ.

Heh, we're gonna stink b*mb the dance and ruin it for everyone.

We're Nitwits for life!

Forget the stink bombs, Russ. It ain't even worth it.

Just 'cause we're getting left behind don't mean we should drag everyone else down with us.

What are you talking about?

- Joel, you're not gonna friggin' get left behind.
- Gary, face it. You don't need me anymore.

- You got Tina Belosky now.
- It's true, I am in love.

And yes, we are about to embark on an amazing erotic journey.

But I'm still gonna friggin' hang out with you, Okay?

And sooner or later, you're gonna find love too.

But f-friends and boning... don't cancel each other out.

You're right. There's no reason they can't go hand in hand.

I hope you guys bone the hell out of each other with love and majesty.

Thanks, man. That's really... moving.

Oh, my God! Your hair is teeming with nits! You need to get out of here immediately.

What are you talking about?! I'm bald as hell! See?!

Whoa, dude! You look like a newborn baby!

I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to him.

What? Me?

Oh, sh*t! You must've gotten them from me, dude.

Aw, crap. Tina, I have nits.

Don't worry, Tina. You guys are gonna get through this together.

That's the power of love.

Man! I can't believe she broke up with you.

I know! We were together for, like, 5 minutes.

She's already got a new lover.

Yeah. She's a sexually-charged young woman.

Hey, at least you had a girlfriend. Even if it was only for a few minutes.

Well, all right. I'm here.

Hum, mmmm--

There's my date, vomiting into a trash can! Night of One Thousand Lights! It's all worth it!

And it smells like a sewer in here! What is that smell?

Russ, did you set off the frickin' stink bombs?

They freaking broke in my underwear! Ugh.

Russ, you realize people are gonna think you just sh*t yourself.

You think they would think it was funny and they would like me?

I don't think so, man. Maybe you should just go home and wash up.

Ugh. I'm ugly... and I got nits... and I smell like poop...

and I'm never gonna fall in love.

Bye, guys.

We should probably take more of an interest in him.

Yeah.

She did me wrong, y'all. The b*tch played me.

These dances are a cancer. Are we gonna get out of here or what?!

I'm gonna hang by myself if y'all don't mind.

I'd like to be alone with my thoughts... marinate on a few things.

He's a sensitive soul.

# Girl, I wanted to love you #

# But you sucked another d*ck #

Are you still contagious?

No. I shaved all the hairs off my frickin' head. I'm fine!

We can make out like dogs and you'll be safe as hell.

Cool. I'm still not gonna have sex with you though.

We'll frickin' do other stuff. I don't even care.

Yo, man. Look who's hookin' up at the formal.

I know, man! I'm pumped!

I'm totally gon' put my mouth on her boobs.

Who-ugh-ugh-ugh!

Wha--! That was a friggin' triple spin! h*-h*-how the hell did you do that?!

It just comes natural.

Oh, and hey...

the tan does go good with your hair.

Yo, Danielle! Wait up!

Go get 'em, buddy.

Oh, g*dd*mn nits!

We're gonna take apart my microwave...

and harness the radiation from it, so you can just strap it to your body and, like, nuke meals on the go.

What you're describing sounds like a chemotherapy machine.