(ARROWS WHOOSHING)
(BRIGHT, WHIMSICAL MUSIC
PLAYING)
(WOMAN) Hello, hello, hello!
Welcome to the show
where we talk
about all the stuff
in marriages
that no one else will,
and usually
in a graphic manner.
I'm your loyal host,
Gill, with a G, Langer,
and I will be your guide
on this journey
of self-discovery.
We have one of our favorite
guests joining us.
(LAUGHING) She's definitely
one of my favorites.
You know her. You love her.
That's right, folks.
Dr. Greta.
She is back to teach us
how to talk dirty
in the bedroom.
(MOANS)
And can I just say
that I am so ready?
Because if I have to have
any more scheduled sex
in order to make a baby,
somebody's gonna lose
their f*cking mind,
and that someone is me.
(MOANING) Make me
your little f*cking c*m sl*t.
(JACK) Oh my God.
-(GILL, ECHOING) Yeah!
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(BUZZING)
(BILLIARD ba*ls CLACK)
(SNAKE HISSING)
(MOANING) ...f*cking me.
Oh, f*ck!
(JACK AND GILL
MOANING INTENSELY)
(MOANING SLOWS, LAUGHING)
(JACK) If that didn't make a
baby, I don't know what will.
That was good, right?
(EXHALES)
It was, uh...
(LAUGHS)
That dirty talk was new.
Yeah, I learned it
from the sexologist
that we had on the show
last week.
What'd you think?
-I think, uh...
-(GIGGLES)
...a sexologist is
not a real thing.
-(LAUGHS)
-Hey!
It totally is too
a real profession.
-Oh yeah? (LAUGHS)
-(GROANS)
(LONG SIGH)
What'd she major in in school?
Doggy style?
Yeah, probably cunnilingus
and other things.
(LAUGHS)
(SIGHS) Okay.
(BEEPS)
January 13th,
three-ish.
Jack has been consumed
with sex to get pregnant,
so I thought I would spice
it up a little bit
with some dirty talk
courtesy of Dr. Greta
from episode 24.
I thought it was hot.
Jack seemed a little confused.
Not confused.
The only confusing part was
how my wife of 20 years
turned into a c*m sl*t.
Jack is normally
a little more...
-reserved in bed.
-Gill!
Can you wrap it up? They're
gonna be here any minute.
It's my job.
I'll be done in a second.
-(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
-(SHOWER RUNNING)
(GILL GASPS)
Oh! sh*t, that's hot.
Don't burn your p*ssy.
Oh, too late.
Hey, what are you doing?
Huh? What are you
talking about?
Where is the outfit?
Oh, I'm not wearing that.
No, Jack...
-You promised.
-(JACK SCOFFS)
I'll look ridiculous.
No, you won't.
You'll look hot.
-(SMACKS)
-(JACK SIGHS)
(JACK) You think
the chef heard us?
(GILL SCOFFS) No way!
This house is huge!
You're walking so fast.
I can't move in these things.
(GILL) Now you know
how I feel when I wear Spanx.
(SIGHS) Beauty is pain, baby.
(JACK) How do people
wear these?
(GROANS)
(LEATHER STRETCHING)
(GROANS) Look like...
Enrique Iglesias's accountant.
Okay, let's just get
a quick selfie...
-Oh, yeah.
-...in front of the sign.
Oh, wait a minute, hold on.
Let me just get this.
-A little... There we go.
-What are you doing?
-No!
-No, come on.
They want us together
wearing their sh*t,
looking hot, so...
Oh, you can't post this,
sweetie.
Yes, I have to post this,
sweetie.
No, no, no.
Come on, just give me one.
Give me one good one.
-I know you got it in you.
-My students are gonna see.
-Looking great. Crushing it.
-All right, you got it.
Okay, which one do you like?
Uh... what?
This one. Great?
-Great.
-Yes? Loving it.
-Do it.
-Okay, fine.
Thought you were
taking the night off.
I am gonna take the night off.
I just, you know,
the night hasn't started yet,
and I need to post
a photo really quickly.
-Right.
-Posting...
I have to do this
really quickly.
Happy birthday. Posted.
-There you are.
-Hi.
Just wanted to have
a, you know, moment
just with my beautiful wife.
(GIGGLING)
You know what
I was thinking about today?
-What?
-When I first saw you,
20 years ago,
across the bar
at the El Sombrero...
Oh!
...and how I knew right away
that in 20 years,
I would still be looking
at you.
Oh my God!
Twenty years!
Can you believe it?
Yeah,
I can,
'cause I love you.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
I love you.
-Happy birthday.
-Happy birthday.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
God...
that was so sweet.
I mean, I'm just a great guy.
-Can you do that again?
-What do you mean?
-What?
-For the birthday episode?
-Gilly...
-Come on, just a quick video.
-The moment has passed.
-That was beautiful, honey.
-Please. I want to record it.
-It was a real thing.
I want everybody to see
how wonderful that was.
-I gotta brush my teeth.
-What?
Didn't you just brush
your teeth?
(INHALING)
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
(GROANS)
(SIGHS)
(UNZIPPING)
-(CYMBAL CRASHES)
-(MUSIC STOPS)
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(COUGHING, SPITTING)
(COUGHING)
What the f*ck?
-Hello?
-Oh, God. Oh, God.
Is this a surprise party?
You know I hate surprises.
No, I would not do that
to you.
-I know.
-They're supposed to be here.
Hey, we should, uh,
we should try not
to overshare tonight, okay?
Oh, by "we," you mean "me"?
Yes, I mean you,
you silly little...
-Do I?
-Mm-hmm.
(LAUGHING)
-You know what I hate?
-No.
Patio furniture.
-This is perfect.
-Why is there no furniture?
-Oh, guys!
-(LAUGHTER)
(SCREAMS, LAUGHS)
-Hi!
-Happy birthday!
Oh my God!
It's so good to see you.
-Happy birthday.
-(LAUGHING)
You guys look so great.
-Thank you for coming.
-You too.
Come on in. (LAUGHS)
-Wow!
-Do you love it?
Oh! Got brick?
(GILL) I know.
We got so much brick.
Where did you find this place?
I found it through this
incredible rental company,
and the show gave me
a stipend for the party.
What?! Wow!
The podcast must be doing
really well.
-Yeah.
-Congratulations. (LAUGHS)
-(SCREAMING)
-Oh, God!
-Oh!
-Oh, boy! Come here!
What?! Look at this...
Let me... Oh.
-(JACK) Hey, guys.
-Hugging royalty. Look at you.
Wow. Happy birthday, Jack.
(JACK) Thank you.
-What's up, guys?
-(GILL) Tell him.
-He looks good, right?
-Incredible color, confidence.
Look at the leather pants.
Oh... I can see your p*nis.
-Oh.
-There it is. Right there.
Slightly to the right
and, uh, presenting
the appetizers.
Oh, hello. (LAUGHS)
How many cows died
to create these pants?
No, they're actually
vegan leather.
Oh, good,
'cause I'm lactose-intolerant.
Here, just give it a feel.
Like...
-Come on. Step into my hand.
-It's so real.
-Who wants a drink?
-Let's get a drink.
(GILL) Let's get a drink.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
-Look at this spread!
-I know, it's great, right?
-May I? Thank you.
-Yes.
I cannot believe we're 40!
Oh, I know!
I look so young though.
-You do.
-Isn't it freaky?
Is there a, uh, is there
a restroom I could use?
Yes, just inside to the left.
-Thank you.
-Mm-hmm.
You guys have been together
longer than you've been apart.
-No, I know, it's true.
-Now we're starting a family.
-(GASPS) You're pregnant?
-Oh...
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Not yet.
-Oh.
-We're trying though.
-Oh, that's amazing.
-Mm-hmm. It is amazing.
You guys have been together
for a really long time.
-Yeah.
-What's your secret?
Well, we're open.
Uh, we weren't always open.
It's kinda newish.
Well... (MUTTERING)
When Ish had cancer,
he wasn't feeling that sexy,
so he was like, you know,
"Please,
go get your needs met,"
and, you know, I did,
and then... (LAUGHS)
When he got healthier,
I was like,
"You should go partake
as well, because you have
a lot of kinks that I don't
have the endurance for."
Does that make sense?
I was like, "Get out there."
But we have a lot of rules.
January to May,
we are not open.
That's cuffing season.
We can't be in a state
where our mothers live.
(ISH) The bathroom
has a bidet!
I mean, I didn't use it.
I just... (CLEARS THROAT)
-(LAUGHS)
-What'd I miss?
They are starting a family.
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
(GROANS)
Well, well, well, if it isn't
the one and only Mo.
Wow! Logan!
I had no idea
you would be here.
-Yes, you did.
-Yeah, I did.
-How you doin'?
-Great.
-Yeah?
-Yeah. You?
I'm great.
(COUGHING)
Are you drunk?
Yeah... pre-partied a little.
-What?
-Did you get your...
Did you get your nose pierced?
No! I mean, yes,
but, like, many years ago.
It's cute.
Vodka?
Your favorite.
Yeah, when I was 20.
Get that outta here.
(LOGAN LAUGHS)
I can't believe you.
-You look, uh...
-(MO SIGHS)
You look healthy.
-"Healthy"?
-Yeah.
Am I a dairy cow?
-NPO Sunday, surgery Monday.
-That is too long. It's risky.
Plan is for left awake
frontotemporal...
Fine, just try not to waste
any more of the breast milk.
-(MAN) Okay, thank you.
-(WOMAN) Sorry?
-(MAN) Bye-bye.
-(WOMAN) Lana? Hello?
Hello?
You're cutting out.
(SIGHS)
You all right?
Yeah. Fine.
Try to have a bit of fun.
I will.
Um, let's try
not to have too much fun
because we do need to leave
at five tomorrow morning
to be back in time for Rocco.
Sorry, what was that?
I just got lost in those...
gray-green eyes of yours.
God, you are B-E-A-utiful,
aren't you?
-Sam...
-Stunning.
Stop it.
Can't, but I think I--
-No, stop it.
-Okay, okay, okay, okay.
-They're waiting for us.
-Don't be silly now.
(ALL SHOUTING, LAUGHING)
Oh, sh*t, is that Logan?!
In the flesh, baby!
(LAUGHING)
I forgot about that!
-Hey, Penelope.
-Mo!
-Hi, how are you?
-Just really brilliant.
-Thank you. Yeah.
-Great.
-How are you?
-Great. Yeah.
That's great.
-Where's Ben?
-Oh, he, uh,
he couldn't make it.
You know, he's working
on Senator Bishop's campaign.
So he's, uh, he's
in New Orleans or Baton Rouge.
Somewhere in Louisiana,
that's all I know.
-Do you ever see each other?
-You know,
healthy relationships do not
actually require proximity.
Good sex does.
I'm gonna text Gill 'cause
I don't know where they are.
How are you anyway, Logan?
How's the band?
Good. Good, yeah.
You know, we're between tours.
Between tours. That's so cool
that you're still touring!
I think I heard your sh*t
on the oldies station
the other day.
-Yacht Rock Radio.
-That's horseshit.
(LAUGHING)
-Oh, hello.
-Hi.
Have we met?
Oh, sh*t. Uh, Penelope.
Yeah, I got this. I got this.
Go ahead.
Logan, Penelope.
This is my beautiful wife,
Penelope.
(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)
-Pleasure.
-Pleasure's all mine.
(SAM) We all went
to college together.
All of us, and then you,
Jack, and I roomed together
freshman, sophomore year.
-Yeah, roomie.
-Till he went off
to become a famous rock star,
as you do.
-(LOGAN) Look at me now.
-You and Mo
dated each other for a while.
-Long time, actually.
-Not necessary
to the conversation at all.
Until you left her
for the band.
We didn't need that tidbit
to tell the story.
-Can you guys get in...
-(SAM) Jack! Jackie-Jack-Jack!
Honey, honey.
-(LAUGHING)
-(JACK) Oh my God.
(GILL SCREAMS)
Doctor.
-Doctor.
-Doctor.
-Doctor.
-Doctor.
-Doctor!
-Doctor!
(YELLING, GRUNTING)
(LAUGHING)
-Oh, buddy!
-Good to see you, man.
-Good to see you.
-(SIGHS)
-Oh, wow.
-(LAUGHS)
Hey, Jackie.
Loges.
("WHEN WE WERE YOUNG"
BY THE WILD WILD PLAYING)
Ah, thanks for comin', man.
-Missed you.
-Missed you too.
I missed both of you! Yeah!
(LAUGHING)
-Oh my God, you look so good!
-Yeah?
-Do you like?
-You're trendy.
-You're like a celebrity.
-Hair.
-No.
-Yes, hair.
Yeah, let me see the booty.
The booty.
-Okay.
-It's good, right?
Oh, yeah, it's like
a little basketball.
-So many squats.
-It's great.
I am so happy to see you!
And bummed that Ben
couldn't make it.
I know, but, you know,
it's to be expected.
("WHEN WE WERE YOUNG"
CONTINUES)
(INAUDIBLE)
-(GILL) Everybody?
-(ALL CHATTERING)
Hello? Hi, I just...
Hi, hello.
Excuse me. Hello?
(SCREAMS) Hello?!
-Oh!
-(CHATTER STOPS)
Sorry.
I just wanted to say a really
quick thank you so much
to all of you for coming
to celebrate Jack and I's
40th birthdays,
and I know that some of you
even left your babies
for the very first time.
-Thank you!
-(GILL) Oh, thank you.
(GILL LAUGHS) Um, so...
cheers to having
a great night!
(ALL CHEERING)
Jack?
Do you wanna...
say what you were gonna...
say to everybody?
-You okay?
-Yeah.
You're up, Jackie.
It's funny with old friends.
You can not see them for years
and then,
suddenly you're
in the same room,
and it's like no time's passed
at all.
I guess the opposite
works too.
You could be
with someone forever,
and suddenly,
something happens,
and it feels like
you don't even know 'em.
(SAM) Like how you suddenly
dress like Rod Stewart.
-(LAUGHTER)
-I love Rod Stewart.
So... (CLAPS)
Anyway, I thought
it might be a nice thing
to go back before the times
of Facebook and Instagram,
and have us all
just be together.
No distractions.
-Just like it used to be.
-(GILL CHUCKLES)
So, Gill and I...
-Mmm.
-...thought that, uh,
before we get
the party started,
it might be, uh, a nice idea
for everyone to surrender
their phones
for the night
into this unplug box.
-Okay, you can't be serious.
-I am.
f*ck! No!
I've heard
of these parties before.
Jackie, take it.
(PHONE CLATTERS)
-So close.
-Oh!
(LAUGHTER)
You're not taking
my bloody phone.
Yeah, I mean,
I could get a work call.
-This is my worst nightmare.
-Gilly, you agreed to this?
I did because, guess what,
it's only for one night!
And that's only a couple hours
if you think about it.
-So come on!
-Watch this.
I'll show you how it's done.
Here's the phone.
This one's mine.
-Just gonna put it in the box.
-(GILL) Just like that.
Gill, show 'em how it's done.
Um... one second.
Guys, wanna take a selfie?
-Can I? Just before...
-Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Before we do it,
just, can we get in?
(CHATTER)
-Cheese!
-Good job.
(SAM) Mo, is that your
top-secret government phone?
Uh, no, that is my personal.
I would never surrender
my work phone.
Plus, I don't have it.
Oh, so we have
your full attention?
Just one night.
Goes right in the box.
No one's gonna look at it.
I promise.
-Bye, BradBerry.
-Wait, so, the... (LAUGHS)
No one is having
any access to their phone
for the entire night?
That's the idea, Penelope.
It's fine, Penelope.
Oh, okay.
Great. What if Lana
needs something?
-She'll be fine.
-And it's an emergency?
You'll be fine. It's just...
Look, you promised, babe.
Just put your phone
in the box.
(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)
-(JACK) Give it a try.
-I need to let Lana know,
first of all.
Okay.
Just waiting to see
if she got the text.
Okay.
-She got it.
-(JACK) Great.
Ah. Very good.
And back over here.
Oh, he's here, he's here.
Uh, hold on, just gonna erase
a few d*ck pics.
Any time this year.
-d*ck, d*ck...
-Now you are just showing off.
-All right. Thank you.
-(JACK) All right.
Okay, I might need
to get this back later on
-in case a client needs me...
-Nope. Boo!
No-work weekend.
Okay, you guys,
it's not that easy.
(LAUGHING) I have a job.
(JACK) All right, so I think,
uh, that leaves just one more.
-Honey?
-(GILL) Yes, just one second.
Everybody get in! Come on!
-Selfie, come on.
-Smile!
-Honey, honey, honey, come on.
-Come on, Penelope.
One pic. Ah! Cheese! Yes!
-You got it.
-Looking hot. Okay, great.
-Wait, wait. Hold on, wait.
-Into the box you go.
One more. One more.
Last one.
-(GROANS)
-Oh...
-Boo! Ugh!
-Yeah.
-Okay.
-Perfect.
-Got your content?
-Yes, one second.
-Let me just post.
-Gill.
I'm putting it up.
This is the last one.
Please put your phone
in the box.
And we are... live.
Out.
And...
-Kiss it.
-I love you, miss you so much.
Okay. All right! So...
I'm gonna put this one inside
and, uh,
let's get this party started.
-(CHEERING)
-Right?
-Be right back!
-Okay!
-I hope you guys are hungry!
-Starving!
-Yay, no phones!
-(LAUGHTER)
-(GILL) I know...
-It'll be fine, Pen, Okay?
It's gonna be...
(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
Everybody,
as you may have noticed
in our birthday invite,
the mention of, uh,
a special culinary adventure
for this evening
that I happened to plan
all by myself.
So, without further ado,
I would like to introduce you
to my new best friend,
Chef Sasha,
who will be running through
the menu for this evening.
-(ALL EXCLAIMING)
-Chef, please,
take it away.
Oh.
Hello, beautiful people,
and welcome to what I'm sure
is going to be
a memorable evening.
As Jack mentioned, I am a chef
who has won multiple awards
in cannabis-infused
fine dining.
We're getting high!
This party just got good!
I am definitely going
to get paranoid.
Tonight isn't just about
getting you super high.
Anyone can do that.
Tonight is about the food.
I am a food-centric chef
with accents of cannabis.
It's all
portion-controlled magic
for a four-course journey,
the end of which, hopefully,
you will be super high.
-Wow. (LAUGHS)
-Yes.
All right, well,
let's kick it off
with an amuse-bouche.
Jack is holding...
Please, what is this,
a game show?
...tempura cannabis leaves
with one milligram of THC
per serving
from the sativa-dominant
strain, Squirt Juice.
-Did that this morning.
-Wow.
This should leave you
feeling relaxed,
focused, and euphoric.
And who couldn't use a little
more euphoria, am I right?
I know I could.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to go set
some intentions
and cook the f*ck
out of some weed.
Yes. All right.
Thank you, Sasha.
-It's Chef Sasha.
-(JACK) Oh, right. Sorry.
-Mm.
-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, right, yes.
Pass those out
before they get cold.
All right, let's dig in.
(MO) Oh, I get tested
for work.
Oh, it leaves your system
in 36 hours.
-So I've been told.
-Oh, thank you, Gill and Jack.
I haven't eaten "a pot"
since high school.
-You lie!
-That's true.
That's the basis
of our friendship.
How much of this should I eat?
(JACK) How much...
do you want?
(LAUGHS)
You're eating all of it.
-Mmm.
-(GILL) Well, well, well.
Surprise, surprise.
Surprise, surprise.
Oh, Jack, Jack,
you son of a b*tch.
Thank you.
Pen, you want one?
-No, thanks.
-Just take--
I don't want to have
to pump and dump.
Weren't you gonna do that
anyway if you drank?
-I'm not drinking.
-Cheers.
(PENELOPE)
...gonna drive us home...
-(GILL) Cheers, my darling.
-Happy birthday.
(GILL) Happy birthday.
(BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(LAUGHTER)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
No. Then apply.
(GILL LAUGHS)
Oh! Oh!
-(LAUGHS)
-(ISH) To the plus-ones.
The plus-ones.
And long may we continue
to be, frankly,
the best part of the f*cking
awful frat parties.
(ISH LAUGHS)
I have missed you.
-I have missed you!
-(ISH CHUCKLES)
I'm very glad
you're doing better.
Thank you. Me too.
It's been a...
It's been a long road.
(CHUCKLES)
-So how's teaching?
-(GILL) Oh.
I didn't tell you? I quit.
-That's huge.
-I've never been happier.
(LAUGHS) No, really.
It's like I'm finally living
my life the way
I was always supposed to.
(PENELOPE) I hope
you've slowed down a bit.
You aren't doing those
terrible 80-hour weeks still.
Oh, no, I'm definitely doing
those terrible 80-hour weeks,
but you know me, I love it.
(LAUGHS)
What about you? Are you...
are you back at work?
I'm just doing a little bit
of consulting
for some old UK clients.
It's funny. My job was
such a massive part
of who I am, and now I just...
I don't know, I'm so tied
to the little sausage, I...
I can't bear leaving him.
Other people's kids,
they suck.
They suck. Kids are the worst.
-They're little shits.
-Ugh, little shits.
-Their grubby little hands...
-Throw 'em in the garbage.
...and their grubby
little minds.
I never thought this podcast
was gonna take off.
I was just doing it for fun,
but now, people are actually
stopping me on the street
and asking me for advice. Yes!
It's like I'm actually
connecting with people,
and they're listening
to what I'm saying.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What were you saying?
-(LAUGHS)
-Damian, stop!
You at least look like
you've got your sh*t together.
-(ISH) Don't we all?
-Ow! Oh! Knee to the ba*ls!
-Got the knee to-- No!
-(PENELOPE) Mmm, no.
-(LAUGHTER, CHATTER)
-Yeah, no.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
That episode all about
your ba*ls, "Jack's Sack."
That sh*t is hilarious!
I shared it with the entire
neurological department.
-Wow, huh, big hospital?
-(SAM) Yeah, huge.
(SARCASTICALLY) Yeah,
I'm glad they enjoyed it.
She must be making
so much money by now, right?
You can quit
that teaching job of yours.
Well, don't really want
to quit.
-I love teaching.
-I'm just saying.
You could stay at home
with a baby,
get a gym, get super ripped
and be like a... DILF.
(LOUD SMACK)
Oof.
What's your poison these days?
Um... tequila works.
-Really?
-(MO CHUCKLES)
I vaguely remember
someone swearing it off
after our gig in Lawrence.
Yeah, well, that's because
those country-a*s margaritas
gave me acid reflux,
and then I couldn't sing.
I don't have to worry
about that anymore, so...
I'm glad it all worked out
for you, Mo.
Yeah, I'm thriving.
That little bundle of joy
has hijacked my wife's libido,
but tonight,
I'm taking that back,
Liam Neeson-style,
because tonight...
there's no baby around
to f*ck things up.
(CHALK SQUEAKING ON CUE STICK)
I think you might be...
good with the chalk.
To old friends.
Is that what we are?
Yeah, I hope so.
-To friendship.
-Uh-huh.
("HIGHER" BY CHERRY TIGER
PLAYING)
Turning the corner,
turning the page
And every single second
with you
Feels like a party to me
-Get in, honey.
-Get in, babe.
-Get in.
-(LAUGHING)
-Smile! Smile!
-(LAUGHING)
Just kidding!
There's no phone!
Abajo, al centro, y adentro.
Ready? No, no, don't...
Don't down it. f*ck. Cheers.
My, my, you're a gold mine,
won't you rush my way
-I love you so much.
-Cheers. You're the best.
-Um, so, the...
-(PENELOPE LAUGHS)
Feels like a party to me
God, it's like I don't know
the words are not coming.
They're coming out my mouth,
coming out my mouth...
-(SHUSHING)
-Okay, okay...
Higher
You take me higher
Nobody puts Jack
in the corner!
(BELLS JINGLING GENTLY)
-(BELLS JINGLING RAPIDLY)
-(SONG ENDS)
Dinner is served.
(ELEGANT OPERATIC
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
How's everyone feeling so far?
-(CHATTER)
-(GILL) I mean, great.
You know, I'm not
feeling anything, really.
-Okay.
-I'm fine.
Good. We're working
on a gradual high here
to ensure that everyone has
an enjoyable ride.
I'd like to provide you
with an enjoyable ride.
-What?
-Two dishes in front of you.
First, our soffritto tartlet
with tonnato.
That's coming in
at five milligrams of THC.
And on the larger plate,
you'll see
our poached halibut
with leek vinaigrette.
That is coming in
at 20 milligrams of THC.
Both use
the sativa-dominant strain
called Thug p*ssy
to keep you feeling
energized and aroused.
Oh, and to my vegan brother,
blessings.
In front of you,
you'll see the vegan risotto
with forest mushrooms
and black truffle oil,
also 20 milligrams of THC
and will get you
feeling aroused.
Thank you so much.
This looks so awesome.
Thanks, "Cef Shasha."
(LAUGHS)
-"Cef Sasha."
-(LAUGHTER)
-I got it! One more, I got it.
-You can do it.
Thank you, Chef Sasha.
(LAUGHS) I did it!
It happens.
You're not having a stroke.
But definitely don't think
about having a stroke.
(GILL) Oh, God.
Do you taste pennies?
-(LAUGHTER)
-Enjoy.
Oh, thank you.
Enjoy.
-Enjoy.
-Yes. Thank you.
Okay, this looks delicious.
It does.
I wish I could take
a picture and post it.
-Take one with your mind.
-(SILVERWARE CLATTERS)
Did she say 20 milligrams?
-That sounds like a lot.
-It is a lot.
I... I think that's a totally
normal amount, right?
Can we eat, or...?
Yes, yes! Of course!
Bon appetit!
(ELEGANT OPERATIC
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(INAUDIBLE)
(ELEGANT OPERATIC
CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES)
(GLASSES CLINK AND ECHO)
(GLASSES CLINK AND ECHO)
(GLASS CLINKING)
(AUDIBLE CHATTER RESUMES)
Hello, hello. Sorry. Hi.
-(GILL) Hi.
-Hi.
I just wanted to say
to our amazing couple,
Jack and Gill, thank you
for being such
a beautiful example
of love and living life
to the fullest.
-Well done, you two.
-That's it?
Thank you.
That's so sweet, Mo.
You guys have always been
so solid, like, since college.
Just feels like
you figured it out early.
I mean, Jack definitely
figured it out early.
Remember, he had
that whole spreadsheet
of why Gill should date him.
-Like, scientifically.
-I helped you with that!
I thought that was sexy!
-I knew what I wanted.
-(GILL) I loved it.
-Deeply unsexy. Um...
-(GILL LAUGHS)
You know, it obviously worked
'cause now you're
this beautiful, perfect couple
who always, you know,
puts the other person first.
Yeah, your... love and support
is truly inspiring.
-Aw.
-We love you and...
you know, we want
your continued success
in all things, in teaching,
in your incredibly timely
podcast,
your journey to parenthood.
Um... Jack's pants
and shirt combo.
-(ALL CHUCKLING)
-I mean...
We just want... whatever it's
trying to say,
I hope it gets to speak
its truth.
Speaks to me.
Um, anyway, we love it,
we love all of it
and all of you,
so happy birthday,
and I am done.
Thank you. Cheers.
-(GILL) Thank you! I love you!
-(ALL CHEERING)
(ALL SHOUTING "EYES")
-Eyes!
-Eyes!
(LAUGHING)
Oh, and I love you all
so, so much!
(LAUGHING) I'm sorry.
And I just want to thank
each and every one of you
for being here celebrating
our 40th birthdays.
It means the world to me.
I love you all.
-You're so welcome.
-(GILL LAUGHS)
How much... higher
are we gonna get?
-(LOGAN) Not high enough.
-(LAUGHING)
My fingers are tingling.
(LAUGHTER)
Sorry, Gill, where
would I find the bathroom?
-One more time?
-The bathroom.
The bathroom? Oh, oh.
I know. (LAUGHS)
-It's upstairs.
-Um, it's upstairs.
-There is one downstairs.
-But there is one...
-Does she need to shower?
-You need to take a shower?
(BOTH) You have to go upstairs
if you have to shower...
(BOTH) But if it's just
the powder room...
-She's pooping!
-...it's to the left.
(GILL AND DAMIAN LAUGHING)
I'll find it.
Hey, want me to come with you?
-To the loo?
-Yeah.
-Why?
-Well, maybe I could help.
-With what?
-Whatever you want...
No. No.
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHATTER CONTINUES)
(LAUGHTER)
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
(BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)
(RATTLING)
(CHATTER CONTINUES)
(DRAWER SLIDING)
(LAUGHTER)
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHATTER AND LAUGHTER
CONTINUE)
-(MUSIC ENDS)
-(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
Lana?
Lana! Oh, hi! Hi!
Can you hear me?
Hi! How's Rocco? Is he okay?
Oh! He didn't!
He drank it all?
That's fantastic!
Oh, well done.
Aw!
Aw!
Aw...
Lana, will you remember
to keep checking the monitor
in case he gets unswaddled
while he's sleeping?
The swaddle?
S...
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Swaddle.
(NORMAL VOICE)
Yeah. The... just...
it happened to me
the other night.
-(BANGS TABLE)
-(LAUGHTER)
-Oh my God!
-(SPLUTTERING)
I know it's not cool to do at
the birthday party, I'm sorry.
(EXHALES)
Because I have to, okay?
We'll be... we'll be back
first thing, um,
at seven... maybe six.
Let's say six.
We'll be back by six.
Yeah. Okay, have
a great night, Lana.
Thank you. I will.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Okay. Love you. (LAUGHS)
I... Well, I do.
Um, okay, thank you, Lana.
Thank you. Bye.
Bye.
Yeah, bye.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(DAMIAN) Ishaan, I...
(EXHALES)
I am madly in love with you.
(ALL LAUGHING)
I am so... I've been in love
with you for ten years, and...
I just want to continue
loving you forever.
Oh, I've had this stupid
f*cking ring in my pocket.
(LAUGHTER)
(MUFFLED CHATTER)
(PHONE DINGS AND CHIMES)
(LAUGHTER AND CHATTER
CONTINUES)
(EMERGENCY ALERT TONE PLAYING)
(ALL PHONES VIBRATING
AND CHIMING AT ONCE)
-(PHONES CLATTERING)
-(DRAMATIC MUSIC INTENSIFYING)
I've been, like... (SIGHS)
...like, trying to find
the courage to just ask you
to spend your life with me.
Wha...
And just make me
the happiest human.
-(PENELOPE) There's a m*ssile!
-(ALL SCREAMING)
There's a m*ssile!
It's coming to California,
and we need to find shelter!
(LAUGHING) Okay,
Penelope's cut off.
We all got the same text.
"Ballistic m*ssile threat.
Seek immediate shelter."
It's probably just a drill,
Pen.
"This is not a drill."
That is the last line.
Hold-hold on, hold on, wait.
You got your phone?
(PENELOPE) Yeah,
I was checking on Rocco,
and I got the text.
-How did you find the box?
-What?
How did you find the box?
I hid it.
It wasn't hard. Why aren't you
freaking the f*ck out?
We all got the same text!
f*ck! f*ck!
What is it... what is this?
Oh my God,
I'm freaking the f*ck out.
(DAMIAN) Holy sh*t.
Yeah, did you?
Oh my God, what do we do?
Okay, let me call a friend.
-Try your folks.
-Okay.
-Did you call Lana?
-Not since I got this.
-I'll text her.
-Oh, f*ck. Going to voicemail.
How much... how much time
do we have? Does anyone know?
Shouldn't we be going
somewhere with less windows?
-Is anybody getting through?
-(ISHAAN) No!
I did not survive cancer
to go down like this!
It's just getting
a busy signal?
-(GILL) Me too.
-Lines must be jammed.
(MO) Okay, I just got
a text from Ben.
This could be happening
any minute,
so we need to seek
immediate shelter.
What shelter
should we be seeking?
-There's a basement!
-(MO) Great, let's go.
Okay.
Should I know where that is?
-No, I know!
-(MO) Lead the way!
I can do that!
(ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
We're going this way!
Go this way!
(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
-Wait!
-Hurry up, for f*ck's sake!
I can't go any faster!
The chef. Ow!
(GROANING IN PAIN)
-sh*t, are you okay, buddy?
-It's my ankle.
-My ankle.
-Jack! Jack! What happened?
(ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
-(GROANING)
-Honey, you got it.
These f*cking pants!
-Are you okay?
-Go, go, go, go!
(GILL) Dead end!
This way! This way!
(ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
(CHAOTIC SCREAMING)
Come on!
No! Go back! Go back!
(CHAOTIC SCREAMING CONTINUES)
Oh my God! Oh my God!
-Ow! My leg!
-Pick him up!
-No, your leg! Go, go!
-(ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
Wait! Wait!
(CHAOTIC SCREAMING CONTINUES)
(MUSIC INTENSIFYING)
-Wait, wait, wait!
-Are we all here?
-(GILL) Yes.
-Hey!
-(ALL SCREAMING)
-Hey!
-Go!
-sh*t! Sorry.
-Come in, come in.
-Guys, guys, look,
I don't think we need to be
in the glass-filled room.
-Let's just go to the...
-Okay.
Guys, over here!
I was just about
to come get you, Pen.
-Come on.
-(GILL) This way!
Mo! Mo! Mo, Mo, Mo.
Do you think
you could get a hold of any
of your government contacts
to get more information?
Who sent the b*mb?
How many bombs are there?
Does the U.S. have all
of our lines of defense?
I'm trying to reach my friend
who works in the Pentagon.
-But... sh*t.
-What?
-There's no service down here.
-Oh, God! No!
(DAMIAN) No,
I'm not getting anything.
What the f*cking f*ck?
There's no Wi-Fi!
Well, circuits can get jammed
with everyone trying at once.
What the f*ck is happening?
This is the f*cking
apocalypse!
-Should we go upstairs?
-No, absolutely not.
We are much safer
in the basement.
Depending on the size
and location of the m*ssile...
-Who would b*mb us?
-Really?
I know so many people
who would b*mb us.
-Oh my God!
-The point is,
we don't know
who's launched it.
It could be China, Russia,
f*cking North Korea,
and we don't know
what they launched.
Might be a hypersonic m*ssile
which can travel at 20 times
the speed of sound
or a supersonic m*ssile
which can usually evade
all of our types
of defense m*ssile systems
and different types of radar.
The point is, there's a lot
of different types
of f*cking missiles.
So we may not even be able
to detect a b*mb?
m*ssile! It's a m*ssile.
I said "m*ssile" 40 times.
Yes, and what we really need
to worry about is after.
There could be nuclear fallout
which is why I think
we need to stay indoors
for at least 24 hours.
Twenty-four hours?!
At least! Can you all sit
the f*ck down, please?
-I'm sorry.
-It's just a lot.
Probably 48 when the...
-Forty?
-...if the m*ssile strikes.
What is the probability
of that?
-I don't know.
-God, we're gonna have
-to wear those masks again!
-If we even live!
Why don't we all just try
to stay positive?
Right? You know,
because thinking
about the worst
while we're down there,
that's not gonna do
anything, right?
Uh, it's a f*cking b*mb, Gill!
I f*cking know, Sam.
Just trying to stay positive
about the m*therf*cking b*mb,
Sam!
m*ssile.
-Mo, Mo, Mo, listen.
-Yeah?
What's the likelihood
that we'll be able to stop
whatever m*ssile
is coming towards us?
-Um...
-That-that's what you analyze.
Well, sort of. I analyze
foreign weapons development.
-But the, uh, likelihood...
-Same thing.
...depends on a lot
of variables and factors.
Okay. Okay. Rough estimate,
factoring in the factors
and the variables,
in your professional opinion,
is this the beginning
of World w*r III,
or are we gonna be able
to stop
the invisible m*ssile
that's headed for us,
and it all is gonna be
kind of a misunderstanding?
So it's a little tough
to gauge.
Okay, okay, so you're saying
it's pretty bad.
Just leave her alone, Jack!
(MO) Jack,
our U.S. defense systems
have the potential
to protect its citizens
against a nuclear attack.
"Has the potential."
-Do they, though?
-(MO) Yes.
Theoretically. In theory.
Everything's a theory.
(SCOFFS)
What about hypersonics?
We don't spend enough
on defense.
We don't invest
in military advancements.
What the f*ck
are you talking about?
All we do
is spend money on defense.
We need to spend
more money on education.
That has nothing to do
with right now, Jack!
Everything is connected,
Ishaan!
I can't breathe.
(HYPERVENTILATING)
I can't breathe.
Honey, I can't breathe.
Baby? What's happening?
I don't know.
Oh my God, I don't know.
Oh my God, I'm really dizzy.
Oh my God, I can't breathe,
-and my chest is hurting.
-Hey!
-Gill's having a heart attack!
-(DAMIAN SCREAMS)
-I am?!
-She is?!
(SAM) Hey, what's wrong,
what's wrong?
Does it feel like
you're underwater?
-Hell yeah.
-Is there any pain
radiating from your left jaw,
left shoulder, left arm?
-Left?
-Yes, left, left, left!
Not my left.
No, no, that feels fine.
Okay, nothing
on your left side?
Nothing on my left side.
Okay, okay, Gill, take
deep breaths with me, okay?
-Okay.
-Deep breath in.
(ALL INHALING)
-Deep breath out.
-(ALL EXHALING)
-Deep breath in.
-(ALL INHALING)
-Deep breath out.
-(ALL EXHALING)
Okay, feeling better?
Yeah, a little, I guess.
-(SOBS)
-(INDISTINCT)
It's okay.
She's having a panic attack.
Oh. Oh, I have those
all the time.
-She's fine.
-I'm fine?
-Yes, yes, yes.
-(LAUGHS) I don't feel fine.
You're gonna be okay.
Just need... Look, Jack,
do me a favor,
put your hand on her chest.
-This hand?
-Yes, that hand.
-Put that hand on my chest.
-Yes.
-You can help calm her down.
-Yeah.
(SAM) Give your body
some time to adjust.
-You'll be fine.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome. Stay put.
-Just breathe.
(BREATHING SLOWS)
-Where would I go?
-Don't leave.
I think that we need
to just stay positive
down here in the b*mb shelter.
I need some f*cking Wi-Fi
so I can make sure
my baby's okay.
(MO) Pen, there's no Wi-Fi
down here.
Pen, stay put. I texted Lana
before we came down.
-Just stay in the basement.
-Yes, I know, Sam.
I just really think we need
to be with Rocco right now.
He's three hours away, and...
there's a b*mb.
(SILENCE)
(SIGHS)
I never should've left
20 years ago.
What?
I should've stayed with you.
Built a life with you.
Logan...
Just... It just sucks
that I'm now realizing this.
I shouldn't have pissed about
so much.
I wasted so much time.
I was so focused on my career,
I let all this time
just slip by.
If I got my sh*t together
sooner...
I would've met Pen sooner.
Could've had at least...
three more kids.
Jesus Christ, shut up!
(SAM) I always wanted
a big family. I always...
envisioned myself
surrounded by...
a gaggle of kids.
I would've taken just one
if Gill would've been
on board.
What?
What are you talking about?
I found
your birth control pills.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
Can we please not do this
in front of all our friends?
(JACK) Oh, yeah,
we should wait
till after we're incinerated
by a nuclear expl*si*n.
-Jack, please...
-Been trying to figure out,
why would you...
why would you do that?
I don't know.
I was gonna tell you.
(JACK) Oh, yeah?
You were gonna tell me?
Now you don't want to have a
kid? Is that what's happening?
(SIGHS) I don't know.
What the f*ck?
Why wouldn't you tell me? Huh?
-Why wouldn't you tell me?!
-I don't know. I...
Well, at least I didn't have
to find out on the podcast.
Okay, that's not fair, Jack.
Oh, it's not fair? No? Hm.
So you air out all of our sh*t
in front of all
of your millions of followers
who are basically strangers,
yet you don't tell me,
the person that you live with.
You lie to me!
That's not fair!
Do you want to know what else
isn't fair, Jack?
When your husband puts
expectations on you
and doesn't listen to you
and makes a huge decision
for the both of us
and doesn't see
what I really wanted.
That is what's not fair, Jack.
Not see what you wanted?
I-I-I'm sorry
that I did not trust the words
that were coming
out of your mouth!
I didn't realize
that when you said
you wanted to have
a baby with me,
what you really meant
was you wanted to talk
about having a baby on
your stupid f*cking podcast!
That is so f*cked up,
you as*h*le!
That stupid f*cking podcast
is what's paid for tonight
and pays
your cell phone bills.
First of all,
it is a family plan!
Okay? It just makes sense.
Second of all,
tonight, you wanna just take--
just take it all back.
You can start with
these f*cking leather pants.
Here, I don't want
these f*cking--
-Ah! Ah! Ow!
-You know what, Jack?
Maybe if you actually
listened to my podcast,
you would see why
it's so successful.
I mean, why do you
even want a kid?
Are you gonna pick him up
from soccer practice
high out of your f*cking mind?
Mo and I hooked up
at the Deltopia party
in 2001!
-(DAMIAN) What?!
-What?
-Sam?
-What?
What do you mean,
"hooked up"?
We got together.
Okay, so, in my defense,
I was very drunk.
-He could've been anybody.
-That's f*cked.
So you had sex with Mo
and you didn't tell me?
Oh my God.
(PENELOPE) You dodgy f*ck.
Well, I wasn't gonna mention
this because...
well, I didn't think you
could handle it, but f*ck it.
I had sex with him.
(SUPPRESSED LAUGH)
-(LOGAN) What?
-(DAMIAN LAUGHING) Oh my God!
-Oh, me?
-(DAMIAN LAUGHING)
Hi. (LAUGHS)
Yeah. It was in, um,
in London.
Um, the... you were playing
with the Jinx at The Half Moon
in like 2010.
(LOGAN) 2010, huh?
-Oh, yeah! (LAUGHS)
-(PENELOPE LAUGHS)
-Yeah!
-Yeah, hey, how you doin'?
I didn't recognize you
with the...
I know. Yeah, I was, um...
Well, I'm thinner now, yeah.
What a small world.
How you been?
I've been good!
Yeah, I've been really good.
I didn't recognize you.
I was going, "I know him."
Um, but you changed your hair.
Yeah. I had a, um,
a blonde mohawk.
Yes, you did.
I remember very well,
and it would not budge,
even after...
-(LAUGHS)
-Yeah, it was crazy.
It was really, really...
-It was really crazy.
-How could you f*ck... him?!
I knew you couldn't handle it.
That's disgusting!
-Hey!
-Why didn't you tell me?
Well, I didn't tell you, Sam,
because I didn't know
you knew him.
I have been on holiday
with Mo.
You should've told me.
(DAMIAN) Shut up!
-(LAUGHING)
-Who cares?!
Straight people!
Oh my God, you're
so f*cking dysfunctional!
It's like bad reality TV.
We make good reality TV!
We make Drag Race
and bake-offs,
and you make MILF Manor!
-(LAUGHING)
-(DAMIAN) I'm sorry.
-Okay...
-(ISHAAN) I'm sorry.
We should just keep this
light and-and breezy.
Yeah, that's a good call.
That's a good call.
-(GIGGLING)
-Okay.
Let's go around the room
and just say, then...
what we're grateful for.
-(ISHAAN) That's a good idea.
-Okay? Let's do that.
-Why don't you start, Ish?
-What?
Why don't you start?
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
Um... (EXHALES)
I'm grateful for...
Wow, what was I saying?
-What you're grateful for.
-Oh my God.
Oh my God, I'm so high.
I, um... (LAUGHS)
I, um, I'm grateful for...
(CLICKS TONGUE)
...my family.
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
For the strength
that I didn't know I had...
and I found
with the help of...
the love of my life, Damian.
You're my everything.
You make me a better person.
(SNIFFLES)
You make me laugh
every single day.
-(BOTH LAUGH)
-That's very sweet.
It's true.
I'm grateful for, mmm...
my brother and my mother
and... (INHALES)
...and my chosen family,
and my...
our Brussels Griffon,
Sebastian.
-(SOBBING) I miss him...
-(SOBBING) Oh my God.
(DAMIAN SOBBING)
...so f*cking much.
I miss our f*cking dog.
I want my dog.
(ISHAAN CRYING)
And to find you, and you,
you're my soulmate.
I love you so much.
You're my best friend.
(TREMBLED BREATHING)
I almost got to marry you.
Aw! Almost. (SNIFFLING)
Maybe if we don't get
blown up.
(BOTH LAUGH)
(SNIFFLES) Wow.
Okay.
You're up, Jack.
What am I thankful for?
I'm thankful for how things
used to be.
I got to spend half
of my life with the person
who I thought I knew more
than anyone else in the world.
I miss that.
I'm thankful
for that life too, Jack.
And I feel really lucky
that I got to live
such a wonderful life
with you.
(DAMIAN) That was
really touching.
Okay, who's next?
(PENELOPE)
I'm grateful for my son.
(CRYING) I'll never forgive
myself for abandoning him.
(SAM) I look at our son,
and I can't believe
we created that life together.
We did that.
He's perfect. He's...
That's an unbiased fact.
His little hands,
his little toes, he's...
(PENELOPE SIGHS)
(SAM) ...all perfect.
You're an incredible mother.
Thank you.
Okay, I can go. Um...
I'm grateful for my family,
my friends,
and the work that I do.
It's truly meant so much to me
to know that I'm making
a difference.
And I'm really grateful
for all of the moments I've
had with every one of you.
Truly grateful.
I'm grateful that my band
kicked me out.
-Wait, what?
-(LOGAN) Yeah.
Happened a few weeks ago,
but, um...
it's been brewing
for a long time.
Well, what happened?
(LOGAN) Creative differences.
I was writing new material,
and...
they wanted to keep playing
the same old sh*t.
I'm so sorry.
It's cool.
Really, it's cool. I mean...
At first, I freaked out
'cause I thought,
"Is this my only identity?"
And...
But then it... it granted
my freedom.
This exercise really worked.
-Yeah. (LAUGHS)
-(LOGAN) Yeah.
(LAUGHS) I feel like I'm awake
after 20 f*cking years,
you know?
I have all this music
in my head.
-Sing something.
-(CHUCKLES)
I drove all night
Tryin' to hold
what ain't right
I know the answer,
should I call you
(SIGHS)
(TENDER PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
-It's all yours.
-I still love that song.
We wrote a good one.
(TENDER MUSIC CONTINUES)
-(PENELOPE) Are we leaving?
-No.
W-w-where are we going?
(SHUSHING)
Oh, bingo.
Oh! (EXHALES)
-Hey, Pen, Pen, Pen.
-Yes?
-They have the same vase.
-What?
They have the same vase as us.
Look.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Is that why
you brought me in here?
-No, no, no.
-Okay.
I brought you in here
to get you alone, to tell you
just how beautiful you are.
Sam, I don't feel
very beautiful.
-Well, you are.
-Thank you.
You're stunning.
-Oh, sorry! Sorry.
-f*ck! Ah!
-Ah!
-(PENELOPE) Sorry.
Wait, wait, wait.
Sam, what are you doing?
I thought I would
just seize the moment.
I'm scared to have a baby.
I mean, I'm scared
of my whole life
just stopping and becoming
all about the baby,
and I am not ready
for that to happen right now.
I'm scared too.
You are?
Yeah, everyone's scared.
I mean, I don't even know
if I would be a good mom.
Right now, I love spending
my time at work
and on the podcast,
and I'm really,
really good at it.
And it makes me really happy.
(CHUCKLES)
I don't want to resent you
for having to give that up
because, then,
I really wouldn't be
a good mom.
You'd be a great mom.
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
Thank you.
But I think that somebody
who wants to be a mom...
should really,
really want that.
I haven't slept,
and everything
is still f*cking sore.
I don't feel like myself.
I feel f*cking gross.
Okay?
I'm not in my body.
It's like it still belongs
to Rocco.
I just wish I was with him.
That's all I can think about.
Me too, 100%.
It's just, given
the circumstances,
I thought we'd finally be able
to have a little sexy-sex.
What kind of person wants to
have sex at a time like this?
-(SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
-(MOANING)
(MOANING)
Doesn't it bother you
how long it's been?
Honestly, Sam,
I am so tired...
-I don't think about it.
-Oh, you don't think about it?
Well, that's
a f*cking problem, Pen.
I guess it is a problem, Sam.
Well, do you think, you know,
hypothetically,
if we survive this,
will you ever be ready?
(SCOFFS)
I don't know.
Is it me? (LAUGHS)
I think everything happened
so fast with us. We...
Going out, then pregnant,
and married,
within a year and a half.
I thought you wanted
to get married.
You wanted to get married.
-You were pregnant.
-(PENELOPE SCOFFS)
Yeah...
Is that the only reason
we did it?
No, it's not the only reason
we did it.
We did it
because we love each other.
Do you love me?
Oh my God.
You are the father of my son.
Of course...
I have love for you.
You "have love" for me?
Who says that?
I love you.
-You don't love me?
-I said I have love for you.
I don't know what
you want me to say, Sam.
I don't want to hurt you.
Sam, I'm sorry.
You... (SNICKERS)
You're sorry?
(LAUGHS)
I'm sorry.
But just one thing.
Do you have any idea
how many women
I could've f*cked?
-Excuse me?
-(SAM) Dozens.
Maybe even in the thirties.
Low to mid thirties,
but definitely
somewhere there.
That's how many women
jump at me
all the f*cking time, Pen!
You want a f*cking trophy?
I don't want a f*cking trophy.
Then why are you telling me?
Why are you telling me?
Just to hurt me?
How can I hurt you?
You're f*cking heartless!
-(SLAPS)
-(GROANING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
f*ck you.
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
(FOOTSTEPS FADING AWAY)
I missed you.
(SIGHS) I missed you too.
So much.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
I tried so hard
to forget about you.
I couldn't.
You know?
I just... (BREATHING HEAVILY)
I never found anyone
who compared to you.
I love you, Mo.
I love you too.
Mmm.
-Should we go again?
-Yeah, we could do better.
I think so.
(SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
(LAUGHING)
(MUSIC FADING)
You have
this whole other life,
this whole other world,
and I'm not a part of it.
And, look, I love
that you're happy.
I do, I love it.
But I'm not.
(GILL) You're not?
I don't want you
to be unhappy, Jack.
I think maybe I wanted
a... a baby
and to, um, start a family...
so I can get you back,
spend more time with you.
We already are a family, Jack.
And we always will be.
A baby doesn't change that.
(PSYCHEDELIC ROCK MUSIC
PLAYING)
(SNAKE HISSING)
-What are you looking at?
-Oh my God.
-(MUSIC ENDS)
-(DAMIAN AND ISHAAN SIGH)
Is your marriage over?
What?
(PSYCHEDELIC ROCK MUSIC
RESUMES)
(MUSIC FADES)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
(LOGAN GROANS)
(SAM SNIFFLES)
(ISHAAN SIGHS)
It feels like days.
How much longer?
Could be any minute.
Any second.
This is awful.
Just b*mb us already!
(ISHAAN) I keep thinking
about the last few years.
I went through a year
of chemo,
and then I went
right back to work. (LAUGHS)
You know, I made all
these plans, and I don't...
I don't know why
I didn't do any of them.
I was gonna travel the world.
With me?
Of course. We...
We should've planned a trip.
I'm really sorry
we never got married.
-You are?
-Yeah.
I just...
I think now that...
you know, I'm on death's door,
it-it's something that
I really wanted all the time,
and, you know,
when I think about...
(SIGHS)
When I picture our death,
you know,
like, I mean,
obviously you die first.
-Obviously.
-'Cause...
you're very, very old.
I'm... seven months older
than you.
(DAMIAN)
Seven and a half months.
You know, and I just saw us
as married
'cause, you know... (LAUGHS)
I'd be the loyal,
much younger,
mournful husband that...
never left your side.
-You know? Yeah.
-Oh.
-That's sweet.
-(DAMIAN LAUGHS)
And... and kind of morbid.
(LAUGHING)
I never knew it meant
that much to you.
(DAMIAN) I think it does.
We should've done it.
We should do it now.
We should do it now.
-Now?
-Yes!
Why not?
What do we have to lose?
-Nothing, I guess.
-Yeah!
(LAUGHING)
How do we do this?
How do we do this now?
I'm ordained.
-(DAMIAN) What?
-Yeah.
I did it online last summer
when our drummer, Julie,
and our makeup artist
got married in Costa Rica.
(SCREAMS)
Well, that-that's amazing!
(LAUGHING)
Amazing! He can do it!
(LAUGHING) Let's do it!
(BRIGHT, CEREMONIAL MUSIC
PLAYING)
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
-Here comes the bride
-Please stop.
(LAUGHING)
Oh.
-Welcome.
-(CHUCKLING)
We did it, guys.
(SIGHING)
We're gathered here today
for...
Well, actually,
for Jack and Gill's birthday.
But then the b*mb text
happened,
and we all rushed down here,
and then...
other stuff happened.
Uh, but now we're here,
celebrating the love
of Damian and Ishaan.
You guys ready?
I'll keep it short
'cause time is of the essence.
(LAUGHS)
Damian...
do you take Ishaan
to be your wedded husband,
to be your partner in life,
to share a path of life with,
equal in love,
embraced as a mirror
of your true self,
to honor and cherish,
through good times and bad?
I do.
(LAUGHING)
Great answer, buddy.
Sorry, I just...
I forgot this.
Yeah. There it is.
-Thank you.
-It fits.
(CHUCKLES)
-Ishaan.
-Huh?
Same question.
Do you take Damian
to be your wedded husband,
to be your partner in life,
to share a path of life with,
equal in love,
to honor, to cherish him,
through good times and bad?
-(ISHAAN CHUCKLES)
-(SIGHS)
Just get it on.
-No, I can't.
-What?
-(expl*si*n)
-(ALL SCREAMING)
Oh, God! It's happening!
(ALL SCREAMING)
-Oh my God!
-Was that it?
-Was that it?
-I don't know.
(PANTING) Is it over?
It might've just been
the first one.
-Oh, sh*t.
-What?
-The chef.
-(MO) We need to go get her.
-(PENELOPE) I'll go.
-(DAMIAN) No. She's dead.
No. I planned this.
It's my responsibility.
(PENELOPE) I can go.
(MO) There might be
nuclear fallout, Penelope.
-I'm going upstairs.
-Pen, no, no!
I am going the f*ck upstairs!
Wait!
I'm going with you.
-(PANTING)
-Fine.
-(LOUDLY) Wait!
-(ALL SCREAMING)
-sh*t!
-Jesus Christ!
You're gonna need protection.
Why are you screaming that?
f*ck, Gill.
(VIBRANT MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC FADES)
(SAM) f*ck. Chef?
Chef?
-Pen!
-Oh my God!
(PENELOPE GASPS)
Oh my God!
-Still breathing.
-Oh, thank God.
I wouldn't normally move her
in this state,
but given the circumstances...
Pen? Pen? Grab her legs.
-Come on.
-Okay.
(SAM GRUNTS) Ready?
One, two, three, go.
-(GROANING)
-Okay. Move it, move it.
-Okay.
-Let's go.
-Easy, easy.
-Sam, faster.
No, no, no. Easy, easy.
-Okay.
-(PANTING)
-(GROANING)
-(VIBRANT MUSIC PLAYING)
(EMERGENCY ALERT TONE PLAYING)
-Pen! (GROANS)
-sh*t.
(SAM) f*cking hell...
(PENELOPE) There's no b*mb.
(SAM) What?
(PANTING)
There's no f*cking b*mb.
(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)
Pen! Oh, sh*t!
-Oh, God.
-(PANTING)
There's no b*mb!
-What?
-What?!
"There is no m*ssile threat
or danger
to the state of California.
Repeat. False alarm."
-Oh my God!
-Is it real?
We're gonna live! (LAUGHING)
-Oh my goodness!
-(PANTING AND LAUGHING)
Let's get the f*ck
outta this basement then!
Yeah, yeah. Wait, but...
but what was that expl*si*n?
(GILL) Oh my God.
I'm gonna get outta here.
(MO) Oh my God!
Oh, sh*t. Guys, hey, we--
I'm sorry, babe.
We should get Jack
to the couch
so he can put his foot up.
Sorry. He just needs
to sit down.
Okay. It's okay.
We're almost there.
-(EMERGENCY ALERT TONE PLAYS)
-Oh, let me get a pillow here.
-Oh my God. (PANTING)
-(ALL PHONES CHIMING AT ONCE)
-(GASPS) Oh.
-(ALL PHONES CONTINUE CHIMING)
-I got the same text.
-So did I.
Lana texted. She and Rocco
are gonna be okay.
My parents are okay.
They were hiding
in their garage.
I mean, was this
a false alarm?
What the f*ck?
It's so f*cked up.
Who would f*ck up
a nuclear b*mb?
The system was hacked.
We can't know exactly
what happened for sure.
Another country hacked
our emergency alert system
and f*cked the sh*t
out of all of us.
Again, Ishaan, we don't know
it was another country.
It could've just been a guy
in his underwear in Michigan.
There's really only one thing
we can know for sure.
We wouldn't have known
any of this
if it wasn't for... a phone.
(BELL CHIMES)
What?
Why are you looking
at me like that?
Well...
Penelope...
because if you didn't...
sneaky-sneaky
and go grab the unplug box,
we would still be celebrating
our birthday party.
-Mm-hmm.
-Hmm?
Maybe eatin' some of that...
-Thug p*ssy, was it?
-Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Wouldn't have experienced
any of this.
No, none of it.
Who has a no-phone party
and invites the mother
of a newborn?
Well, I'll tell you who.
Me. I do.
-He does.
-Yeah.
You don't have kids,
so you don't understand.
-That's a little insensitive.
-Oh, shut up.
It's just a fact, Gill.
Okay, first of all, don't tell
my wife to shut up.
-Thank you.
-New mothers
really shouldn't be away
from their babies
in the first few months.
That sounds very judgy.
And they definitely
should not be attending
no-phone parties unknowingly.
-Called unplug parties.
-Absolutely.
It is to get
old friends together
-to connect...
-Connect.
-...without phones!
-Absolutely right.
Which we would have done
-if you didn't grab yours.
-Mm-hmm.
I didn't ask to escape reality
and I didn't create
this disaster.
It's not my fault.
-Mmm...
-Eh...
-Except it kinda is.
-Yeah.
Even Gill took the night off,
and she's addicted
-to her f*cking phone.
-Thank you.
Fine.
If it makes you feel better,
blame me.
I don't give a sh*t.
I think I'm gonna go now.
-Okay.
-Okay, that sounds great.
-You coming?
-Do you even want me
to come with you?
I'm going to be
with our son, Sam.
-Are you coming?
-It's late, and it's far,
and Rocco's
probably asleep by now.
-Oh my God.
-He's fine, Pen.
-Your priorities are f*cked.
-Oh, my priorities?
You just told me
you don't f*cking love me,
so don't come at me
with your f*cking priorities
right now.
-I'm done.
-Okay, see you later.
No, you won't.
Thank you for
a horrible evening, everyone.
Good night.
(LOGAN) Good night!
(FOOTSTEPS CLACKING)
-(DOOR OPENS)
-(GILL SIGHS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(SOBBING)
Sammy. Sammy, boy.
Hold on, I got...
-Hey.
-(CRYING, SNIFFLING)
-(GILL) Honey?
-I'm sorry, man.
Did you have any fun?
-Yeah, she did.
-Um...
(LOGAN CHUCKLES)
What happened down there?
-Why'd you say you can't?
-(SIGHS)
Can we talk about this later?
No, I want
to talk about it right now.
(LAUGHS) I don't want
to upset you, Damian.
No, it's too late for that.
(SIGHS)
Hon, I've always been
very honest
about my feelings on marriage.
I'm not a big fan.
I never have been.
I was open with you about that
from the very first day.
(DAMIAN) Yeah, exactly.
That was in the beginning.
-That was years ago.
-Nothing has changed.
-Everything's changed.
-What's changed?
Every... You and I
have changed.
We've been together
for ten years.
I got you through cancer.
(ISHAAN) I love you
so much, Damian. I...
-Do you?
-Yes!
I am a child of divorce.
I am... I am
a divorce attorney.
I know better. I have seen
the worst in people.
Well, then why did you agree
to it down in the basement?
I was in shock!
You asked me to do it in front
of all of your friends.
We thought...
We thought we were gonna die.
Oh, okay, so that's
the only way you'd marry me.
Cool.
(ISHAAN) I think that we both
just need to take
-a couple breaths.
-(EXHALES)
It's been a really long night,
Damian.
The night's just getting
started, party people!
-What?!
-Oh my God, Chef Sasha.
Oh, it's kickin' in, huh?
-What happened to you?
-Oh, I am so sorry.
My liquid nitrogen tank
exploded
and I blacked out for a bit.
-But, all good now.
-(GASPS)
That was the sound.
Um, I-I do have
some bad news.
What?
There is no side of sorbet.
-Oh.
-Oh!
-We don't need sorbet.
-Yeah.
I would actually like
some sorbet.
Well, she's had a long night,
you know?
- She has?
-(CLEARS THROAT)
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
I only have
the lemon blueberry pavlova
with cannabutter
and the tiramisu
with coconut-infused
mascarpone
for my vegan brother,
both coming in
at a solid 15 milligrams
of THC per ser--
(COUGHING)
I'm fine, it's just
the nitrogen poisoning.
It'll wear off in a few weeks.
-Okay.
-Both desserts use
one of my favorite strains,
-Pink Punani...
-Of course.
...which should help you
unleash your creativity,
like it did mine.
-Oh... my God.
-Wow.
-Okay.
-Center of the table, please.
(GILL) Oh, God,
that's so beautiful!
(BELL JINGLING)
Please don't touch it
till after I leave.
-You got it. Of course.
-Thank you.
Well, I don't want to, uh,
hold up the party,
and I think I should lie down
and probably drink
some vinegar.
I have had such
an amazing time
getting to know each
and every one of you
and being your guide
on this journey.
Thank you so much
and, truly,
namaste.
-Thank you so much.
-Thank you.
-Thank you, Chef Sasha.
-Chef Sasha.
(BELL DINGS)
(SOFT, MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
-She doesn't even know.
-(GILL LAUGHS)
Maybe when she blacked out,
she forgot about the b*mb?
She probably turns her phone
off when she's working
so she can stay... present
and be in the moment
and actually enjoy
the experience of cooking.
Those desserts do look
pretty good.
Yeah, they do.
Here, hold this.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Where are you going, honey?
(GILL SIGHS)
(JACK) What's she doing?
-Oh, sh*t!
-What... did that go...
That is so punk rock! Yes!
Oh my God!
I can't believe I did that!
-(LAUGHING)
-I just threw
my phone in the fire!
(LOGAN) Yeah, you f*cking did!
And it felt so f*cking good!
-(LOGAN) Come on!
-(LAUGHING)
(GILL) Come on,
who's with me?
-(LOGAN) I'm with you.
-Yes, Logan!
-Give me your phone!
-I don't know where mine is.
(GILL) He doesn't even know
where his phone is!
That's perfect.
Mo, come on. Sam.
Let's throw all of our phones
in the f*cking fire!
Let's feel free!
-Wow.
-(GILL) Jack.
My darling, I'll help you.
Yes! Yes! (LAUGHING)
I love you so much!
Hey, I love you too.
-(LOGAN) Oh, yeah! That's hot.
-(GILL MOANS)
(GILL LAUGHS)
-You can do this!
-(LOGAN) Proud of you, buddy.
-Come on! Come on!
-You can do this!
(LOGAN) Do it! Oh.
-I missed.
-I'll get it for you.
-Okay.
-I'll get it.
-(LOGAN LAUGHS)
-(JACK) Okay.
Ow. Ow. Okay.
-(GRUNTS)
-(JACK) Yes.
(GRUNTS)
Doesn't that feel good?
It would've felt better
if I made it, but yeah.
Here, come on, it's okay.
Let's watch it burn.
I mean, I'm fully with them,
but I think I'm just
gonna put it on vibrate.
Right?
(GILL) We're gonna be okay,
right?
(JACK) I hope so.
It would suck if we weren't.
(GILL CHUCKLES)
(SOFT, MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
I promise to make
more time for you,
and I won't let
so much time go by
without connecting
with you, okay?
Okay.
I promise not to smoke
so much pot on the couch.
-Oh!
-(JACK) I'll...
try to mix it up and smoke
some on the patio instead.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(GENTLY PLAYING PIANO NOTES)
We can't say anything
about anything.
Just... act normal.
Nothing happened.
Yeah, no, I can't do that.
-You have to.
-I can't, because...
you told me you're still
in love with me, Mo.
(PIANO NOTES CONTINUE)
Well, it was
an intense moment.
I thought we were gonna die.
Right, but isn't that
when people share
their most intimate thoughts?
(PLAYS TWO LOWER NOTES)
(JACK) We'll get
through anything,
as long as I don't lose you.
No.
You'll never lose me.
You're my family.
I love you...
so...
f*cking much.
Well, I love you
so f*cking much.
(MO) We make no plans
(GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
Make out all our checks
to cash
See, I got no future
'Cause with you,
there's no past
So make our checks
to cash
Just give me space
We've got enough time
to erase
See, I've been pretending
so we both could save face
So make our checks
to cash
And don't wait
Don't wait
You guys, you sound
so beautiful together.
Ah. Oldie but a goodie.
Hey! We haven't sung
"Happy Birthday"
to these two yet.
-(MO) Yeah!
-No, you don't have to sing.
-Yes, we do.
-Yes, we do,
and here's your key,
everybody.
(PLAYS NOTE)
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday,
dear Jack and Gill
(LAUGHING)
Happy birthday to you
-(APPLAUSE)
-Aw, thank you.
-I love you guys so much.
-Yeah, we love you guys.
Let's eat! Ow!
(MO) Great idea. Ooh,
I want one of these thingies.
(GILL) Ooh, I want
one of these.
Give me a little
of that tiramisu.
-(GILL) Do you want some?
-(JACK) Yes, please.
(LOGAN GROANS)
(GILL) Oh! Oh! Oh! Ah!
(GILL GIGGLES)
-Oh!
-(JACK MOANS)
(GILL) Mmm! Oh my God!
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
Feels good to be alive.
-(JACK) It really does.
-(GILL) You guys...
Guess what time it is
It's time for a dance party!
Whoo!
-Come on! Guys...
-(MO) She's lost her mind.
Let's do it. No, no, no.
We need some music.
-("CHERRY" PLAYING)
-Oh, there it goes.
I love this song!
Let's turn it up!
Yeah! Oh my God!
-Let's do it.
-(GILL) Yes, I knew you would.
Bring it, girl.
Come on! (LAUGHING)
You want to dance with me?
I am crazy!
I know you still got
those moves. Come on!
Come on. Yes, girl! Mo...
That is having
a good night
I'm going to the bathroom
No, come back,
where you goin'?
Oh my God
I'ma stir it up
like a cherry in a cup
-Shake it, shake it up
-Yes!
Yes! Come on, Sam!
I'm 40...
-(BOOM, RUMBLING)
-(GASPS) What the f*ck is...
(RATTLING AND RUMBLING)
-(GLASS SHATTERS)
-Earthquake!
(EMERGENCY ALERT TONE PLAYING)
("CHERRY" BY CHAIR MODEL
CONTINUES)
(GILL) Hello, hello, hello,
listeners.
Welcome back to
Marriage in the Middle Ages,
where we talk about
everything and anything to do
with marriage.
With me today
is a very special guest.
You have heard me talk about
him many, many times before
because he is my husband.
Please welcome Jack Langer.
-(APPLAUSE)
-(JACK) Oh,
I didn't realize there'd be
an applause track.
That's nice. I kinda want that
every time I get introduced.
-(GILL) All for you, baby.
-(JACK) Thank you.
Well, it's good to see you,
my wife.
(GILL LAUGHS)
It's good to see you too,
my husband.
-Thank you.
-(JACK) Yes, long overdue.
(GILL) Thank you
for joining us.
Today is the day
that we are going to tell
all the listeners
all about...
Drumroll, please.
-(DRUMROLL PLAYING)
-...our 40th birthday party.
(JACK) Oy gevalt.
Yes, I... I'm not sure
I'm ready to relive this,
but I am here for you
and your wonderful listeners.
(GILL) So, Jack,
you ready to dive in?
(JACK) Yes, let's go.
Light me up
("LIGHT ME UP"
BY FAMILY OF THINGS PLAYING)
Light me up
I'm moving
through the heat
This room is hazy
Keep running to the lights
inside my head
I find myself a drink
And now it seems
I'm six or seven deep
Good God
I'm gonna feel this
in the morning
But I don't care
right now
I'm gonna keep
this party going
So light me up
So light me up
So light me
A face I've never seen
Her body close to me
And suddenly
there's nothing in between
Keep moving to the beat
Last call,
I like 'em neat
It's half past three
Good God
I'm gonna feel this
in the morning
But I don't care
right now
I'm gonna keep
this party going
Good God
I'm gonna feel this
in the morning
But I don't care
right now
I'm gonna keep
this party going
Good God
I'm gonna feel this
in the morning
But I don't care
right now
I'm gonna keep
this party going
Good God
I'm gonna feel this
in the morning
But I don't care
right now
I'm gonna keep
this party going
So light me up
Keep going
So light me up
A face I've never seen
Keep going
So light me up
I've never seen
So light me up
Keep going
Light me up
Light me up
Good God
I'm gonna feel this
in the morning
But I don't care
right now
I'm gonna keep
this party going
Good God
I'm gonna feel this
in the morning
But I don't care
right now
I'm gonna keep
this party going
So light me up
So light me up
So light me up
(SONG ENDING)
(DRUMSTICKS CLATTERING)
Pew, pew, pew.
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