01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

The following programme
contains strong language.

We robbed our boss, Al. I
know you took the money!

We robbed our boss, Al. I
know you took the money!

We only took 50 grand. The Fairhaven
account is missing £500,000.

How could you lie about
this? I did it for us!

How could you lie about
this? I did it for us!

I can clean the money...
He's your uncle! Asian uncle!

You gave all our money
to a complete stranger?

You gave all our money
to a complete stranger?

I've kept all records of our dodgy
dealings on just one laptop - yours!

The accounts on your husband's
laptop are now central to our case.

The accounts on your husband's
laptop are now central to our case.

We have no option but to
report him to the police.

This time tomorrow
we could be pregnant!

If you watch the
screen, all done.

If you watch the
screen, all done.

Deacon Mendez. I am arresting you
for the obstruction of justice.

Allison!

No comment.

No comment. I've got
no comment, so...

I don't think you can arrest
someone for not having a laptop!

I don't think you can arrest
someone for not having a laptop!

I need to speak to
my f*cking lawyer!

I can't share this toilet! I'll
tell you about the money, OK?

I'll even tell you about
stuff I've heard about!

I'll even tell you about
stuff I've heard about!

You can't expect somebody
to sh*t in there!

Please, help me!

I'll tell you about the money!

I'll tell you about the money!

Calm down.

You're free to go. Your
wife brought in the laptop.

You're free to go. Your
wife brought in the laptop.

Oh. OK. What were
you shouting about?

Um... Nothing.

Hey!

Hey!

Allison! OK.Thank God!

I just need you to sign to
say you've handed this over.

What's that? It's
your laptop, dummy.

Oh, so stressed, you
probably don't recognise it.

Oh, yes. Yeah.

Yeah, No. Yes, I am stressed.

Yeah, No. Yes, I am stressed.

Thank you for my work
laptop, thank you.

I'm obliged to ask.

Do you actually feel
safe and fine to go home?

Do you actually feel
safe and fine to go home?

Yeah. I feel perfectly safe.

It's just, you were making some
frightening noises in your cell.

Well, that is just how
I respond to pressure,

Well, that is just how
I respond to pressure,

just any kind of scary or surprising
scenarios and stuff like that.

If I'm watching a horror
film, even, just, "Agh!"

If I'm watching a horror
film, even, just, "Agh!"

It's just like it's
really full on.

Actually, I got asked to go home from kids'
birthday parties because of - That's enough.

I'll just sign for this, thank
you... He was a bed wetter.

I'll just sign for this, thank
you... He was a bed wetter.

'How did you even
think of a fake laptop?

The question is, how did you and Alfie NOT
come up with the idea of a fake laptop?

The question is, how did you and Alfie NOT
come up with the idea of a fake laptop?

And how have you been while
I've been away? I've been fine.

No, do you know, I'm not fine.

Really? Why not? Apart from
the, you know, prison rescue.

Really? Why not? Apart from
the, you know, prison rescue.

Aren't you worried that
maybe this is our life now?

Trying to bring up a child
while dodging police and Alfie

and you know it's
only a matter of time

and you know it's
only a matter of time

before they realise
that laptop isn't yours.

Well look, this is a
bump. We get past this,

we start our normal
life, all right?

We start our normal
life, all right?

Since we took the money, we
haven't had a normal DAY.

Well, why don't we make this
our first one, all right?

I'll drop you off, I'll
go and get some nice food

and we'll have a lovely evening and
you'll feel reassured. All right?

And we'll have a lovely evening and
you'll feel reassured. All right?

OK. Just so you know, it
won't lead to anything,

cos my boobs are super tender.

Oh, well, don't
worry. Mine are too.

Oh, well, don't
worry. Mine are too.

See you in a bit.

OK, Es, what the hell is this?
Relax, just some corporates for Jed.

They promoted him and they're
giving him loads of work

They promoted him and they're
giving him loads of work

and he asked if I
could store some of it.

What did he get promoted
to? Criminal henchman two?

Why are you drinking
so much water?

Because I have set an alarm for when
I can take my first pregnancy test

Because I have set an alarm for when
I can take my first pregnancy test

and I don't wanna
be out of a*mo.

You have to hose the
pregnancy test down?

Maybe I'm stress
hydrating. Is that a thing?

What have you gotta be stressed
about? You're living a perfect life.

What have you gotta be stressed
about? You're living a perfect life.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, you've got your perfect
straight-laced husband,

and then you're gonna
have your perfect baby

and then you're gonna
have your perfect baby

and then you're gonna be all set
up and you can carry on judging

my choices and feel
better than me.

That's not what I'm doing and
if it makes you feel any better,

I'm struggling with a lot of my
life choices at the minute too.

I'm struggling with a lot of my
life choices at the minute too.

Are you?

Maybe. I don't know.

Let me know where
you end up on that

so I know whether or
not I'm welcome here.

So I know whether or
not I'm welcome here.

Es, it's not like that.
Well let me ask you this.

Do you think there is room in
this house for me AND a baby?

Maybe if we get rid of
some of these boxes.

Maybe if we get rid of
some of these boxes.

Mr Bauer, your company is run
like a sixth-form tuck shop.

Your accounts are a total mess,

there are several highly
suspicious transactions.

We believe money is
being filtered illegally.

We believe money is
being filtered illegally.

Oh, f*ck off, Poirot.
You've got nothing.

Show me one dodgy account. The
Clyde Fund. Bardwick Centre.

Show me one dodgy account. The
Clyde Fund. Bardwick Centre.

Fairhaven Account. Clarence
Estates. Did you say Fairhaven?

Yes, we're still trying
to locate that one.

A large part of the fund has been
transferred to a crypto wallet.

You should be hearing from us soon, as
your colleague has handed in his laptop.

You should be hearing from us soon, as
your colleague has handed in his laptop.

So now, we have everything
we need. Goodbye.

Piss off.

Piss off.

So, you've just got to relax,

stay calm during this bit, OK?

Let me look after you and you
can look after the embryos.

Let me look after you and you
can look after the embryos.

Are you sure you're gonna
be cool at work today?

Yeah. Do you know what,
I actually think I will.

I feel sort of different
since I went inside.

I feel sort of different
since I went inside.

Deacon, you spent
one night in a room

marginally less comfortable
than a Travelodge.

Yeah, OK, fine, but it
did toughen me up a bit.

Well, I'm happy for
you. Shall we go?

Well, I'm happy for
you. Shall we go?

And you can tell me what it
must have been like for Mandela.

I definitely had too much
coffee. My heart feels mad.

I definitely had too much
coffee. My heart feels mad.

Deacon, what the f*ck? OK, I know
I said that we had to remain calm

and I was gonna look after you,
but do not leave me alone with him!

And I was gonna look after you,
but do not leave me alone with him!

I thought you'd toughened
up? Not that much. Please?

OK.Thank you. Deacon? I wanna
speak to you on my own right now.

He can't. Why?

He can't. Why?

Well, because I have
a women's issue.

I feel I need my husband's
second opinion on it.

What?

Well, it's embarrassing if I
spell it out in front of everyone.

Well, it's embarrassing if I
spell it out in front of everyone.

Well, what is it? What is it?

It's a vaginal discharge,

It's a vaginal discharge,

consistency that I am unfamiliar
with at this point in my cycle.

I would expect in my luteal
phase to have like a milky,

low flow, but it's an egg white -
Enough shared info. Talk to Tina.

Low flow, but it's an egg white -
Enough shared info. Talk to Tina.

Sorry.

So, how would you like me
to k*ll you? Um, sorry?

So, how would you like me
to k*ll you? Um, sorry?

You gave them the laptop, you
p*nis colada. Now we are f*cked.

You gave them the laptop, you
p*nis colada. Now we are f*cked.

OK. The laptop's not a problem,
OK? I gave them a dummy.

Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah.

You might actually have a brain.

How did you come up with that
one? Well, to be honest with you,

How did you come up with that
one? Well, to be honest with you,

it felt like a
pretty obvious move.

Look, I've got stuff to be
getting back on with, so..

You're not going anywhere.

You see...

I... have been robbed.

What? The Fairhaven account is
missing half a million quid.

What? The Fairhaven account is
missing half a million quid.

Holy sh*t. It's
just gone. Vanished.

Holy sh*t. It's
just gone. Vanished.

But I'm gonna find out who
took it, so help me God.

Only a small amount of people
could have pulled this off,

Only a small amount of people
could have pulled this off,

and once I have whittled
down the suspects

and discovered who it is,

I'm gonna take them to the rooftop,
I'm gonna dangle them over the edge,

I'm gonna take them to the rooftop,
I'm gonna dangle them over the edge,

I'm gonna get them to explain to
me how they did it and then...

I'm gonna f*cking drop 'em off and
- Can I go to the toilet, please?

What? I=I need to
go to the toilet.

After what I've just told you,
you want to go to the toilet?

After what I've just told you,
you want to go to the toilet?

I've got IBS and I had
potatoes last night

and they're sitting a bit
funny and I don't feel good.

You're not going anywhere until we find
out who had access to that account.

You're not going anywhere until we find
out who had access to that account.

Look, I'll sh*t myself!
What's become of you lately?

Look, go and have
your sh*t, right?

Look, go and have
your sh*t, right?

But be quick, I want you
back here A-S-f*cking-A-P.

Yeah. I won't even
wipe. You better not!

What the f*ck are we going to do?
Calm down. It's actually good news.

What the f*ck are we going to do?
Calm down. It's actually good news.

Um, how is this good news?

Well, if he knows the money
is gone and he's told you,

then obviously he doesn't think
there's any chance it WAS you,

then obviously he doesn't think
there's any chance it WAS you,

and that's good. But he wants
me to help investigate it.

I absolutely do not have
the acting jobs for that.

Deacon, you can
do this. Really?

Deacon, you can
do this. Really?

I was just deeply unconvincing
I needed to go for a sh*t.

This would definitely have been
less of an issue if it was 50 grand.

He might not have even cared.
Sorry, do you want me to cry?

He might not have even cared.
Sorry, do you want me to cry?

Is that what you want? Are
you thinking, "You know what?

I'm gonna say the worst thing
I can possibly think of,

I'm gonna say the worst thing
I can possibly think of,

he's gonna cry and then
I'll feel amazing"?

OK, OK. I have a plan.

I'm gonna go with you, talk to
Alfie, get him to let you go.

I'm gonna go with you, talk to
Alfie, get him to let you go.

Then we go to Kethan and we
get the rest of our money

so we're ready to
leave if we have to.

All right? There's
no need to cry.

You've given up on us
having a normal life!

You've given up on us
having a normal life!

No. No, I haven't.

It's just we gotta get
through this first, OK? OK.

But I am sorry what
I said about crying.

It's a perfectly normal
human reaction. Men can cry.

It's a perfectly normal
human reaction. Men can cry.

Just not now, please, because
time is against us, so lock it up.

Just not now, please, because
time is against us, so lock it up.

Yeah, sure, OK. What exactly
are you gonna tell Alfie?

I think I knew who
took the money.

Really? Yes. I'm almost
certain it was Sally.

Really? Yes. I'm almost
certain it was Sally.

She was always talking to her team
about how much she resented you,

about how you didn't
deserve to be where you are,

about how you didn't
deserve to be where you are,

that it should be her, and then
toward the end of her time here,

she would talk about finally finding
a way to get what she deserved.

She would talk about finally finding
a way to get what she deserved.

f*cking hell. I
can't believe it. No.

I always thought she fancied me!
That might have been part of it.

It would drive any woman mad
knowing she couldn't have you.

It would drive any woman mad
knowing she couldn't have you.

That horny b*tch. Right,
well, we've got to find her.

Deacon, maybe you could
go through her computer,

Deacon, maybe you could
go through her computer,

look for some clues or something? Oh yeah,
definitely, yeah, I could go into her computer.

I'll get the log in
from someone and log in

I'll get the log in
from someone and log in

and then look around her
computer and go into her -

You OK? Have you sh*t your
brains out or something?

No. Sorry. Sorry.

No. Sorry. Sorry.

I want no stone left unturned.
Yeah? We're gonna find her

and then I am
gonna make her pay.

I don't mean sexually.

I don't mean sexually.

OK, so we go in, we beg Kethan
to give us all our money back

and he'll say no and then
we threaten to grass him up

and he'll buckle or turn
us into tikka masala.

Whoa, whoa. Listen.

Whoa, whoa. Listen.

I know I give you sh*t about not
being good at this sort of stuff,

but I really do think
you can do this.

Right? Come on. Yeah, OK.
Yeah, OK.Whoo! Come on.

Right? Come on. Yeah, OK.
Yeah, OK.Whoo! Come on.

Yeah, project normal life,
yeah? Yeah. Yeah, OK.

What is the problem, exactly,

that is so urgent that I had to stop
everything I am doing to hear it?

That is so urgent that I had to stop
everything I am doing to hear it?

Well, as you know, we have this
arrangement where you pay us

our money in instalments, or not,
depending on if you feel like it.

Our money in instalments, or not,
depending on if you feel like it.

Don't be rude. No, I was just
trying to summarise the situation,

but basically we need
all of our money.

OK, but that was
always true, wasn't it?

OK, but that was
always true, wasn't it?

Why should I give a sh*t now?
We're actually quite desperate.

Listen, I ain't got time for this one-line
trickle=trickle information bullshit, yeah?

Just tell me the whole
story. I wanna help.

Just tell me the whole
story. I wanna help.

OK, well, we think that
it's only a matter of time

before Alfie finds
out what we've done

and we kinda don't wanna
be around when he does.

And we kinda don't wanna
be around when he does.

So we need to get the money so we can
leave the country and start somewhere else.

OK, so what is clear is that
you are in a lot of trouble.

OK, so what is clear is that
you are in a lot of trouble.

Hm? And you've been honest and
up front in telling ME that.Yeah.

Hm? And you've been honest and
up front in telling ME that.Yeah.

I've been messing
you guys about.

I've been messing
you guys about.

It's actually incredibly easy for
me to give you the full amount.

Really? Of course. Look.
I've got your money.

I can easily give it
all to you right now.

I can easily give it
all to you right now.

That is amazing. Hold on,
no. I haven't finished.

I've actually decided I ain't
gonna give you anything.

I've actually decided I ain't
gonna give you anything.

I'm sorry? No
need to apologise.

You see, the way I see it,
either the police or Alfie

are gonna come and get you, and
that's not to mention the fact

are gonna come and get you, and
that's not to mention the fact

you told me you m*rder*d that
horny woman and her boyfriend.

Either way, I don't care.

Either way, I don't care.

What that means is, I don't
have to give you... anything.

What that means is, I don't
have to give you... anything.

But Uncle...

Don't uncle me, dickhead.
I'm not your uncle.

I wouldn't wanna BE your uncle.

I wouldn't wanna BE your uncle.

Why did you tell me the truth,
dickhead? Haven't you seen Ozark?

You should have told me there
was a business opportunity

for me to invest
in or something.

For me to invest
in or something.

You're a dickhead. But
we're in real trouble.

Allison might be pregnant,

we're worried we're
gonna go to prison.

We're just asking for our
money back! No, you're not.

We're just asking for our
money back! No, you're not.

You're asking me for my
money that I took from you.

I'm getting quite frustrated
at how stupid you're being.

I'm getting quite frustrated
at how stupid you're being.

Listen. You got involved in
something you had no business doing.

The only person I actually feel sorry
for in all of this is you, Allison,

The only person I actually feel sorry
for in all of this is you, Allison,

getting your life entangled
with this useless piece of sh*t.

Now, f*ck off.

I HAVE seen Ozark, you prick!
Allison, fill up the bag!

What is your exit
strategy here? Huh?

You're gonna have to k*ll
me to get away with this.

You're gonna have to k*ll
me to get away with this.

As if I'd ever let you near my
mother, you f*cking pervert!

I'm gonna stick this
in your f*cking d*ck.

I'm gonna stick this
in your f*cking d*ck.

I'm gonna let go of this knife and
then we're gonna run like hell.

OK? One, two, three.

OK? One, two, three.

f*ck you!

You should have k*lled me!

You should have k*lled me!

Oh my god, that was
unbelievable. What the...

There is so much money in here.
There's way more than 500 grand.

There is so much money in here.
There's way more than 500 grand.

I feel like I've got a lot of
oxygen in me and I don't like it.

Deacon, I knew you could do it, but
what happened to the blackmail plan?

I just knew we needed the money, he
said he was gonna give us nothing

I just knew we needed the money, he
said he was gonna give us nothing

and then I remembered when you picked
up that letter opener at Alfie's

and I thought, "Oh God, that was so
sweet you were willing to do that."

and I thought, "Oh God, that was so
sweet you were willing to do that."

And I thought, "I wish
I could do that for us."

Then I saw the knife and I thought
"Why don't I stick it in his hand?"

Yeah, well he's gonna be furious,
so we have to leave today. Today?

Yes! I thought we
were gonna plan?

Yes! I thought we
were gonna plan?

Oh, Deacon, you turned
his hand into a kebab.

We need to go. If he catches
us, he's gonna t*rture us.

We go home, pack our sh*t and
then get the hell outta here.

We go home, pack our sh*t and
then get the hell outta here.

OK, OK. But we are gonna have that
normal life, Allison. Oh f*ck.

What? You don't
want a normal life?

No, I've left my f*cking injections
in the f*cking office. sh*t.

No, I've left my f*cking injections
in the f*cking office. sh*t.

It's fine, it's fine, OK? We're gonna
whizz home, you're gonna run in,

drop the money off,
so it's not on us,

then we're gonna go into work
and pick up the injections

then we're gonna go into work
and pick up the injections

all casual, hopefully
everyone will have left,

and then we're gonna
start our normal life.

Fine, but can we make a
rule that in our normal life

we do not keep saying
the words "normal life"?

Yeah, absolutely. It's
starting to annoy ME as well.

Oh. What's going on?

Oh, I just needed
to grab a lipstick.

You came home to get
a lipstick? Yeah.

You came home to get
a lipstick? Yeah.

I've got a meeting and I thought it
was important to look presentable.

You're acting super weird. No, I'm
not. I've just gotta get back to work.

You're acting super weird. No, I'm
not. I've just gotta get back to work.

You acted like this
before. I don't have time.

You said that then too.
Jesus, leave it, Es.

Sorry, I just have to go sort
this thing at work quickly

Sorry, I just have to go sort
this thing at work quickly

and then I will come back here
and we can have a proper chat.

OK? I promise. I'm here for you.

I'm right here. OK.

I'm right here. OK.

Do you know where they
are? Yeah, in here.

So, how are you two?
Any joy with Sally?

So, how are you two?
Any joy with Sally?

No, not yet, we were just about to
go into the emails and have a look.

Can I have a quick
chat with you both?

Can I have a quick
chat with you both?

Yeah, sure. What's it about?

I think I've found proof
that Sally took the money.

Really? What is it? Come in
my office, I'll show you.

Really? What is it? Come in
my office, I'll show you.

Make yourselves comfortable.

Oi, what are you doing?
Alfie, what the f*ck?

I know you took that
money! What? No we didn't!

Sally didn't take it,
and you know she didn't.

I came looking for you two
and I couldn't find you.

I came looking for you two
and I couldn't find you.

So I spoke to the girls about what
Sally had been saying about me.

Now, apart from an issue
with my personal hygiene,

Now, apart from an issue
with my personal hygiene,

they didn't know what
I was talking about.

So I thought "Who has got the experience
and the access to pull this off?"

So I followed the electronic
trail and it led me to you two!

So I followed the electronic
trail and it led me to you two!

Well, I'm sorry, Alfie,
you gave us no choice.

Well, I'm sorry, Alfie,
you gave us no choice.

I f*cking knew it! I didn't
even have any evidence.

Do you think I'd follow an
electronic trail? You twat!

Deacon, what the f*ck?
OK, that was bad.

Deacon, what the f*ck?
OK, that was bad.

I want my money back NOW! Why
don't you just f*ck off, Alfie?

I beg your f*cking pardon?

Has it ever occurred to you that
the reason we took the money

Has it ever occurred to you that
the reason we took the money

is cos you never paid us the
bonus you were supposed to,

despite having
sh*t tons of money?

It's no excuse for ripping
off 500K from your friend.

It's no excuse for ripping
off 500K from your friend.

You're not a friend,
you bell end!

You're some twat that I had to
be nice to make working for you

slightly less hellish
than it normally is.

We took money that you owed us
already, plus a little bit more

because I was caught up in
the moment and there was money

and I was thinking... It
was spur of the moment.

I'm bored of this. Do
you see what this is?

I'm bored of this. Do
you see what this is?

This contains a back-up of all the
dodgy accounts from your laptop.

There's enough on
here to put you away

There's enough on
here to put you away

and end this investigation.

Wo why don't both of you
make yourselves comfortable

Wo why don't both of you
make yourselves comfortable

and I'll be back with
the police? It's false.

You're a piece of
sh*t, Alfie. Yeah.

You're a piece of
sh*t, Alfie. Yeah.

This is a f*cking nightmare!

Why did you admit it? Everyone
knows you never admit it.

Why did you admit it? Everyone
knows you never admit it.

It's the Shaggy principle. Can we
focus on the moment when I was a legend

and stood up to Kethan and
got us a load of money?

Money that's on top of our wardrobe
while we're trapped in here

because you can't
grasp the basic concept

because you can't
grasp the basic concept

of plausible deniability.

What's that? It's time
to take a pregnancy test.

Oh. What a fairytale.

Oh. What a fairytale.

I can't imagine a
more perfect setting

than while imprisoned by the
man you robbed for $500,000.

Than while imprisoned by the
man you robbed for $500,000.

I'm sorry, what are you doing?
I'm taking a pregnancy test.

Well, can't you just wait?

No. The alarm goes off,
I take a test. Well, how?

No. The alarm goes off,
I take a test. Well, how?

I'm going to piss
on Alfie's chair.

OK, I actually fully support that,
but I also do not want to watch it.

OK, I actually fully support that,
but I also do not want to watch it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, too.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, too.

This can't be how you
imagined things would go.

Well, no, but, you know, once
we get past this, you know,

things will get easier and
we should be all right.

How many times are
we gonna say that?

We couldn't even manage
two days of normality.

We couldn't even manage
two days of normality.

This was supposed to be
us setting up a nice life,

but instead we set
up a life on the run.

What... What are you saying?

I don't know. I'm just
saying what I'm saying.

I don't know. I'm just
saying what I'm saying.

What's it say?

Not pregnant.

I'm gonna be absolutely honest.
I think I'm kind of relieved.

What are you doing?

Well, Kethan is gonna looking
for us, so Esme is in danger.

We have to get the
money before he does

and we have to get out of here
before the police come for us,

so... Ooh.

Holy sh*t!

Holy sh*t!

I'm afraid Allison and Deacon
are at work. Can I help?

I've come for my million pounds.

I've come for my million pounds.