01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

JAZZY MUSIC

I would now like to ask the House

to join with me
in a minute's silence

in memory of
the late John Stonehouse,

the honourable member
for Walsall North.

SHOUTING AND JEERING

I realise that the Right Honourable
gentlemen and ladies

sitting opposite may find something
unusual about this Government,

something that may puzzle them,
make them scratch their heads.

For one thing, there are
no relatives of mine in it.

LAUGHTER

What's more, there are none
of my wife's relatives in it!

Nor is there anyone
in this Government

that I went to school with,
or met at a clubland dinner

or while tramping
across a grouse moor.

The members of my Cabinet are here
for one reason and one reason only -

because they are
the best people for the job!

CHEERING

The best people for the job!

LAUGHING

CHEERING

So much for the big fish.

Now for the minnows...

What about the bright young things?

Who's banging on the door?

John Stonehouse.

Oh, yes, Stonehouse.

What do we know about him?

Working class boy.

Parents both trade unionists -

father a post office engineer,

mother a former scullery maid.

Married man?

Very much so.

Anything else?

Served in the RAF during the w*r.

Better give him Aviation, then.

Here's to Aviation.
The first rung on the ladder.

Who knows where it will lead?

I think you know exactly
where it will lead.

Well, I could never have
got this far without you.

And it won't always be easy,
you know.

The juggling and everything...

You let me worry about that.

You just keep on climbing...

all the way to the top.

Your mother
is a truly wonderful woman,

in case you ever doubted it,
and I'm a very lucky man.

We're a team.

A team!
Hm.

You're so right.
That's exactly what we are.

Hm.
A team!

And so say all of us!

To Daddy!
To Daddy.

Ah!

I don't want you to go, Daddy.

I'm only going for a few days.

Daddy's going to see
some airplanes being built.

Do you know,
when Daddy was your age,

Daddy belonged to a group
called the Woodcraft Folk.

And sometimes,
when Daddy was feeling a bit mis,

his mama - your grandmama - would
sing him a special Woodcraft song.

# Maybe it is raining

# Where our train will ride

# All the little travellers

# Are warm and snug inside

# Rocking, rolling, riding

# Out along the bay

# All bound for Morningtown

# Many miles away. #

Mr Stonehouse,

on behalf of the
Czechoslovak Socialist Republic,

I would like
to welcome you to Prague.

We look forward to
a productive exchange of information

about our respective
aircraft industries.

Thank you so much.
I'm delighted to be here.

And may I introduce Irena Bala,

who will be acting as translator
during your stay?

It's very good of you to take
the time to have dinner with me.

Oh, it's not good of me at all.

So..

Na zdravi!

Dun... Dun favi.

That means, "To your health."
Ah.

Na zdravi!

Na zdravi!

Hmm!

So you, too, are a linguist,
Mr Stonehouse!

SHE LAUGHS

So, I expect you must get quite
a lot of visitors from the West?

Quite a lot, yes.

But they're not always
such good company.

Hm.

Why don't I order for both of us?

Ano?

Budeme mit tradicni
ceske speciality.

Dekuji, pani.

Dekujeme.

Jeste neco?

We're going to have
traditional Czech specialities.

Ah.

I'm in your hands.

Good.

THEY PANT

THEY MOAN

Cafe?

Ah, yes, super.

Nechte nas na chvili prosim,
dekujeme.

Oh!
Mr Stonehouse...

Ah.
..before we start today's tour,

we thought it might be instructive
for you to see a little film first.

Right. Oh, of course.
Yes, delighted.

Prosim. Please.
Oh.

Mr Stonehouse,

you came here as an official
representative of your country.

And I hope you found
the hospitality to your liking?

Now, we would like to invite you to
become an unofficial representative

of our country in Great Britain.

You want me to spy for you?

Sadly, you and I, we find ourselves

on opposite sides
of an ideological divide.

The Iron Curtain, if you will.

But, ultimately, we're both
working for the same cause...

..the good of humanity.

Isn't that right?

So, all we want is for you
to pass on any information

that comes your way.

Information you will give me
when the two of us meet, in London,

thereby fostering closer ties
between our two great nations.

Would I be paid?

DOOR OPENS
Here he comes.

Stand up straight. There we are.

ALL: Welcome home!
Daddy! Oh!

Hello, hello!

Oh, marvellous,
how marvellous it is to be home.

It's Stonehouse.

John Stonehouse.

WOMAN: 'Come in.'

And so, as the Vulcan
came in to land in heavy rain,

the wheels skidded on the tarmac

and the pilot decided
to abort the landing.

But as he did so, the blast from
his jets caused extensive damage

to a petrol station on the A38
trunk road just north of Bristol.

Hm.

It went completely unreported.

John...

if I may...

erm, the key to this kind of work

is the quality of information
that the agent provides.

It has to be something that is,
shall we say,

of at least passing interest
to the other party.

Right. Right.

It's all right. Just early days.

Hm.

Yeah.

Now, you're going to need
a codename to conceal your identity.

Those codenames are
randomly chosen in Prague,

so you shouldn't read
any significance into them.

I see.

And what's mine?

Twister.

What are you doing?

It's private.

But I...

I thought we didn't have secrets
from one another.

Something for your birthday.

But that's...

two months away.

Hm.

Please, take a seat.

CLEARS THROAT

So, what can we do for you today?

I'd like to open a new account,
please.

In the name of John Thomson - no P -

Stonehouse.

John Thomson Stonehouse. No P.

And I'd like to make
an initial deposit.

Oh, of course, Mr Stonehouse.
By cheque?

No.

Cash.

Very good.

It's going to be
an absolute pleasure

investing in
your marvellous company.

Cheers.
Cheers!

I'm so pleased you could make it.

Us, too.

And I very much look forward
to our doing business together.

Terrific.

CAR ENGINE ROARS

Good afternoon,
and welcome, gentlemen.

This'll be an Anglo-French venture
between BAC and the French company,

Sud Aviation.

We intend to build
an initial fleet of 50 aircraft

at a projected cost of £1.2 billion.

This will be the greatest
leap forward in aviation

since the Wright brothers took
to the air more than 60 years ago.

The aircraft,
provisionally known as Concorde,

will operate at supersonic speeds.

It will have a cruising speed
of Mach 2,

and it will be able to fly
from London to New York

in just three and a half hours.

APPLAUSE

Three and a half hours!
Three and a half hours!

That's faster than the speed
of sound.

Twice as fast, I think you'll find.

Surely that's the sort of thing
you wanted!

Hmm.

It would be, yes...

..if it hadn't been
on French television news

two nights ago, hm?

You see,
another important thing about, er,

being a spy

is that you have to get information

before everyone else.

Not after.

Well, it's like a two-horse race.

First place? Jolly good show.

Everybody happy.

Second place?

Well, not so good -
you have to try harder.

I should warn you that we work
rather long hours round here.

That's fine for me.

Tends to play havoc
with one's private life, I'm afraid.

That won't be a pwoblem.

No? You won't want
to go out dancing?

I think my dancing days are over.

Oh, I can't imagine why.
CHUCKLES

Erm, do you have shorthand?

It's a little wopey, I'm afwaid,

but I'm sure
I'll soon pick it up again.

When I said that shorthand
was essential,

erm, I meant more
that it's likely to...

come in handy.

Is there anything else
I should know?

You've pwobably noticed
I have a slight speech impediment.

Some people find it distwacting,
especially on the telephone.

Oh, no, that wouldn't be a problem.

Not at all.

It's charming.

Show him in, would you?

Prime Minister!

John, this is Charles Elwell,
Head of Counterintelligence.

So sorry. Forgetting my manners.
Do take a seat, John.

Let me come straight to the point.

We have reason to believe
that a minister in the government

has been passing information to
the Czechoslovakian Secret Services.

I'm sure you will appreciate
that, as head of security,

I have to take an interest
in these matters.

Of course, Prime Minister.

Why don't you tell us
about your involvement with...

the Anglo-Czech Friendship Society?

Um...

Yes.

I'm very glad that you raised that.

Erm...

It's long been an interest of mine -
erm, Czech culture.

All aspects of Czech culture,
really.

Erm, art, literature, music, erm...

And as you may know,

the Czechs are renowned
for their glass-blowing,

and particularly,
PARTICULARLY in Bohemia,

where the-the potash in the soil

helps produce a glass
that's unusually pliable,

and this allows
the glass-blowers there

to create these extraordinarily
complex designs.

And recently, I've also begun
to take a keen interest

in Czech animation.

Yes, er, thank you.
I think we get the point.

These cultural links can often
lead to misinterpretation.

That'll be all, Charles.

John...

would you mind staying for a moment?

Now we've got that out of the way,

there's something else
I'd like to talk to you about.

We've been having a little bit
of difficulty with Wedgie Benn.

It would seem that old Wedgie
has got it into his head

that it would be a good idea
to remove the Queen's head

from the Royal Mail stamps.

In the interests of social equality,
or so he claims.

I need hardly tell you

that Her Majesty did not take kindly
to this idea.

Frankly, I've never heard her
so put out.

All of which leads me to believe,

er, that we might need
a bit of a shake-up.

John, I would like you to become
the new Postmaster General.

HE EXHALES

But it-it's a lovely house!
Of course it is.

I just...
I just don't think it's very...

Very what?

Very us.

John?
Mm?

Did you hear what I said?

Yes, of course.

And I-I... Well, I'm not sure how
we're supposed to afford it, either.

Investments.

I'm sorry?

I've made, erm,
a number of what have proved to be

rather inspired speculations.

And, erm...
And speaking engagements.

But...

..in what?

I'm sorry?

What companies were these
inspired investments of yours in?

Ha-ha! Darling, I really do think

that these sort of things
are best left to me.

After all, which of us is a graduate
of the London School of Economics?

Hm? I seem to have forgotten.

Lovely. On we go, chaps.

Erm, ah, let me...
Wait a second, let me see...

Ah, that's the pink one, wonderful.
In there, in the drawing room.

Straight through, to the right.

Straight the way through,
all the way to the kitchen.

Super.
CHUCKLES

Oh, be very careful with that.
That's one of my favourites.

Thank you, carry on.

Erm, what else do we have?

Exciting, isn't it?

Straight through, that's the same,
that's the drawing room.

If this country is to have
a highly efficient economy,

it is essential we have
a communications system to match.

CHEERING

And that is why I am announcing the
greatest overhaul to the Post Office

in the organisation's
450-year history!

CHEERING

You're certainly on top
of your game, John.

And not just on court.

How do you mean?

That Post Office speech
went down a storm.

People are talking about you.

What sort of people?

Oh, people like me.
Newspaper editors.

Oh, really? What are they saying?

They're saying that
when Wilson eventually goes,

the Members might choose
to skip a generation,

go for a younger man.

Someone with more appeal
to a new generation of voters.

So, of course,
it's all just speculation.

I mean, it would be very rash
to read much into it.

Informed speculation, though.

That's true. That's true.

And I must say,

I-I do admire The Sunday Times
for its political coverage,

and it's not as if Wilson can
go on forever, can he?

I mean, Harry said - Harry Evans -
he said that he thought

I might appeal to
a younger generation.

As a younger voter yourself, do...?

Do you think there might
be anything in that?

Very much so.
Oh, really? Do you?

Really?
Really.

Well...

Thank you.

What a lovely coat.

Well, it's a blend of merino...

wool and cashmere.

You get the softness
from the cashmere,

but the merino
gives it more durability.

Good night.

And thank you again. You're very...

What?

What am I? Tell me.

Chivalwous.

Good night, Sheila.

I'd like to open a new account,
if I may.

Another one?

Assuming there are no objections...

Well, not-not at all.

As many as you like.

Another account, you said?

Yes, in the name
of Provident Executive Holdings.

Hm. A rainy-day account.

Beg your pardon?

"Provident".
Preparing for future eventualities.

Ah. Quite. Yeah.

A two-tier postal system.

First class,
guaranteed next day delivery.

In the morning,
not in the afternoon.

And second class
for less urgent correspondence.

I thought I'd made myself clear...

This'll completely revolutionise
the postal service,

giving the customer more choice
in terms of both price and speed.

Hey, John...

we made an investment in you.

A considerable investment
that's showing a very poor return.

If I wanted to talk about
the postal service, which I don't,

I'd join a stamp club.

Oh, I... I really don't think...

No! Enough!

You are the worst spy
I have ever come across.

Ever!

Seriously, the worst.

I warned you
there would be consequences

if you didn't give us
something useful.

What sort of consequences?

Well, there are three options.

Option one is that we stop
paying you anything.

I have three children
at expensive private schools!

Of course,
like all good Socialists (!)

Option two is
that you wake up one morning

to find your bare buttocks
on the front page

of the Daily Mirror.

You said there were three options.
What's the third?

Both.

I do enjoy our late-night walks
together.

When I'm with you,
all my cares just seem to melt away.

So do I.

Enjoy them.

Sometimes I even find myself
wishing...

What?

That they didn't have to end...

Are you sure, Prime Minister?

I mean, timing could be risky...

The timing's always risky.

But the latest polls have us
nearly 20% ahead of the Tories.

That's the biggest lead
since polling began.

What's more,
Ladbrokes have the England team

joint favourites to win
the World Cup in Mexico,

so if we don't
call the election now,

we could live to regret it.

Well, if you really think so,
Prime Minister.

But I'm... I'm not sure...

I-I...
John...

John.

Would you say that
I was a good-looking man?

No, let me answer that.

No-one, not even my wife,
has ever suggested that I was

in any way a knock-out.

Mary says that when she sees me
on the television,

she's reminded of an old saucepan.

And as for the other members
of the Cabinet, well,

there's no shortage of saucepans
there, either...

You, on the other hand,
are a bit of a head-turner.

Oh, no...
Yes. So I have been assured.

Frankly, I can't see it myself,
me not being that way with...

Um...

Well, you get my general drift.

So, I would like to ask you

if you would represent us
on television on election night.

Waving the flag, as it were.
How do you feel about that?

Well, I'd...
I'd be honoured, Prime Minister.

If you wave it around
vigorously enough, who knows?

There might be another promotion
in it for you.

Perhaps something involving
plenty of foreign travel.

Now, you know how good you are
on television.

Everyone says so.

Just remember to talk slowly
and look at the camera.

Right. Thank you, darling.

I've brought some thwoat pastilles.
Just in case.

Oh, erm...

Er, Barbara, I don't think
you've met my secretary,

Sheila Buckley.
Sheila, this is my wife, Barbara.

How thoughtful.

Mr Michelmore!

Mrs Thatcher.

How very nice to see you.

And Mr Stonehouse, of course.

Feeling confident?

Quietly.

I think we're ready for you now.

Oh, er, I'm sorry.

'Following the Conservatives'
surprise victory

'in the general election,

'the new Leader of the Opposition,
Harold Wilson,

'has been making some key changes
to his Shadow Cabinet.'

But why?
Being in opposition's bad enough,

but surely there must have been
something in the Shadow Cabinet?

Transport, even?

No, I'm afraid, er...

..Harold didn't think
you were quite 100%.

He felt it was time
for a fresh start.

Oh, for God's sake!

It'll be all right.

What am I supposed to do?

I can hardly be expected
to live on an MP's salary, can I?

I'm finished.

Yesterday's man.

Now, now, enough of that.

You can always bounce back.

Do you really think so?

Of course.
Look at Winston Churchill.

But that-that took ten years!

And a World w*r!

It's Twister.

Hello? Hello?

It's Twister.
Can you let me in, please?

It's John Stonehouse.

'A loan, you say?'

I'm afraid that a number
of companies that you set up

seem to have run into
some difficulties.

Connoisseurs of Claret Ltd...

I agree, yes, that the figures there
have been somewhat disappointing.

Hmm.

Excalibur Earnings Group...

Again, I would have to acknowledge
a degree of underperformance.

It's my understanding
that the company has, in fact,

ceased trading.

Asbesto Oven Mitts Ltd.

The British Bank of Bangladesh...

What about
Worldwide Consultancy Solutions Ltd?

That's performing quite creditably.

Indeed,
but that is a joint company account,

so I'm afraid I can't allow you
access to those funds.

I can't pretend that everything,
erm,

has gone just as I would
have expected or hoped,

and that is why...

I'm very sorry, Mr Stonehouse.

No, no, no, I am aware
that the school fees are overdue,

but as I tried to explain before,

this is just a temporary, erm,
problem.

Yes. Yes.

Yes, I'm aware that you are
running a business, I understand.

But as an elected representative
of the people

and a former Minister of the Crown,

I would have thought that my word
would be sufficient.

Please, please, I'm just...

I'm just asking for
a little more time, that's all.

Perhaps I could come and give
a little talk at the school?

On life at the highest level
of government.

I think there would be a lot
of interest in the...

Well...

Well, if you continue
to take that attitude,

and quite unreasonably in my view,

there's plainly nothing I can do,
is there?!

This... This is a mess.

You're a mess. You've...

You've got to sort this out.

Just leave it to me.

# Rocking, rolling, riding

# Out along the bay

# All bound for Morningtown. #

HE SOBS

Ah, Mr Stonehouse?

I'm afraid Mr Grainger's away.
I'm his deputy.

Ah. Well, you're very young
to be doing such a responsible job,

if you don't mind my saying.

Well, it's a pleasure
to meet someone

with such a distinguished record
of public service. Oh!

I've always followed your career
with great interest.

Not that it's over yet, I'm sure.

Erm, so, unfortunately,

I've been having a few problems
with one of our company accounts -

Worldwide Consultancy Solutions
Group Ltd.

Particularly
with international transfers.

And so for ease of access,

I'd like to put £10,000
from that business

into another account.

Another account?

That's right.

I see.

And what account would you
like it transferred...?

Provident Executive Holdings.

So from a business account
to your personal account.

Just until the problems
have been resolved.

HORROR SOUNDTRACK
PLAYS

Morning. Birth certificate, please.

Paul Oliver Duggan.
Born in the parish

of Sambourne Fishley,
3rd of April, 1929.

Fill in the form.

You'll find the 1929s up the stairs,
and left at the first gallery.

Right, thanks.

No, I did think it was good,

but, for me,
the whole thing was let down

by that utterly implausible
plot twist.

You know, the Jackal getting hold
of a passport in someone else's name

by simply
sending in the birth certificate

of a person who died years before.

I mean, that's absurd.

Is it?

How do you mean?

I had a fwiend who used to work
in the public records office

of Somerset House.
Hm?

She was in Births.

Turned out she had another fwiend
who also worked there,

only she was in Deaths.

It was months before they realised
they both worked in the same place.

I don't understand.

Births never talked to Deaths.

Deaths never talked to Births.

There was no communication
between the two departments.

They were completely separate.

No cwoss-checking, nothing.

So I'm afwaid your Jackal's plan
isn't implausible at all.

The wonder is that
more people aren't at it.

Not that we'd ever know, of course.

John.
Harry!

Hello. Nice surprise.

Although, it's not really
a surprise, I suppose.

How do you mean?
It's not every day

the Prime Minister
calls a general election.

A great mistake, in my view.

I mean, I can see that things
were becoming unworkable,

nobody could deny that,
but it's gonna be a close call.

Right, I'm not...
I'm not here because of that.

I'm here because of you.

Me?

Really? Do you think...?

Do you think that if Harold loses
again, there might be a...

change of leader?

Cos I... Cos I don't deny
that I would be interested.

I mean, more than interested,
frankly.

Between ourselves,
it's always been a dream of mine,

to-to lead this country
in its hour of need,

and-and I don't doubt that I might
be a little bit of a dark horse,

at the beginning, anyway, but
if I could count on your support,

Harry, that-that might make
all the difference!

Er, no, it's not about that, John.

No?
No...

It's about a story which we're going
to be running in Sunday's paper.

Oh.
About your business dealings.

We seem to have uncovered
some... inconsistencies.

Absolutely no question
of dishonesty!

None whatsoever!

Harry, I deny those allegations
in the strongest possible terms.

HE GASPS

TELEPHONE RINGING

Hello, yes?

It's the police!

Hello?

Yes, of course, I would be happy
to help the police with any, er...

enquiries...
however misguided they may be.

No, no, no, any suggestion of fraud
is preposterous.

It's simply preposterous.

Now, unfortunately,
I have to go away for a few days

on a Parliamentary matter -

pressing Parliamentary matter,
as it happens -

so I'm afraid this will have to wait
until I come back.

Yes.

No, thank you. No.
No, goodbye, goodbye.

What's happening?

Is anything happening?

Well, the...
the police just telephoned.

I'd-I'd say that was
something happening.

Oh, no. No, that's nothing
of any consequence.

Just security issues
with the House of Commons.

Everyone's a bit jittery.

You know how they get
around election time.

Hm.

Hello.

How are we?

How do you do?

Hello, nice to see you.

Hello, everybody.

Just here reminding you
to vote Labour,

and let's get Harold Wilson
back into power where he belongs.

You all look very well, in fact.

I might have a little lie-down
myself! Ha!

Oh, dear. Oh!

Very poorly, I'm afraid.
Ah.

Mrs Carey.

My condolences.

Thank you.

It's so very kind of you to come.

Will you join us back at the house
for some tea?

Oh, I wouldn't want to impose.

Not imposing at all.
Joe would have been so proud.

Thank you.

Congratulations on
the election result, Mr Stonehouse.

Well, bit of a scrape, but we just
managed to get over the line.

A great shame Mr Wilson
couldn't find a place for you

in his Cabinet, though.

If only you were Prime Minister.

THEY LAUGH

Would you just excuse me,
just for a moment?

Yes, course.

Mr Stonehouse! Can I help?

Mrs Carey.

Erm, I'm afraid I seem to be lost.

Could you tell me
where your toilet is?

It's just there.

Ah. Thank you.

Since you're here,

I wonder if I might ask you
a bit about your husband,

because I thought I might
write a little obituary of him

for the constituency newsletter.

Yes. Of course.

What would you like to know?

Well, erm, shall we start with
his date of birth?

June 7th, 1925.

Oh, I'm July, 1925.
We were practically twins!

And, erm, where was he born?

Little place called Whittington.

Near Lichfield.

And I wonder if you could give me
some flavour of your life together.

For instance, did you like
to go on lovely holidays?

Oh, yes. Wonderful holidays.

Happy times.
Marvellous.

Where did you like to go?

Oh, always in this country.
Never abroad.

Never?

Ridiculous, really.

My husband never even
had a passport.

Morning. Birth certificate, please.

Joseph Albert Carey.

Born in the parish of Lichfield,
June the 7th, 1925.

Fill in the form.

You'll find the 1925s up the stairs
and left at the gallery.

Right. Thanks.

Where are you going, Dad?

Miami.
Miami!

Hm-mm.
Wow! How long for?

Only for a few days, that's all.

Some people have all the luck.

You'll be back for my rugby match,
though?

Oh, yes, of course.

I imagine Daddy will be
eating a lot of burgers.

There'll be no chicken pie for you
in Miami.

I'm so sorry,
I'm not terribly hungry.

It's nothing to do with the meal.

It's delicious, as always.

WOMAN: 'Hello, Samaritans.

'Hello? Hello, Samaritans.
How can I help you?

'Hello, Samaritans,
how can I help you?'

Bye, Dad.
Bye.

See you soon.

You know I love you all
very much indeed.

Don't ever forget that.

Good luck, Dad.

Ooh!

Thank you.

What for?

Everything.

Hm.

'Ladies and gentlemen,

'welcome to United Allied
flight UAA742 to Miami.'

Have a good flight, Mr Carey.