01x02 - The Cheating Scales of Bullamanka

[bunniefuu]

let's sing a little song with eight little words but a rocket ship and flightless bird

[Music] scheduled

[Music]

[Applause] kevin

three two

[Music]

one [Music]

yo captain walker do you need to do what squid hopper yes four in a row and that ties it up

two games appears not so fast i get to use my squid this could decide it folks that's pretty

annoying you know do you have to do it every time that's right the championship comes down to this last

move [Music]

oh look here you found me squid tactile yep i love this game grand mom oh i

don't blame your love nothing like a good tournament of squidtack toad you know your granddad

got that for me on our fifth anniversary when we was down under in bulamanca

down under what it means australia he and i would hold our own squid tacto

tournaments just around this time of year oh if only could see his two grandkids

playing this quick tack toad he got me on our fifth anniversary down under in bulamanca oh well

good memories all that matters so how's the tournament coming michelle just tied us up two games each

that means just one more to go and i'll be the champion oh the summer games

well i'm sure you're both jolly good opponents but truth be known i think the females got the upper hand in this game

what why is that i don't know really suppose it could be that dainty fingers are better for the spinners

well we'll see about that let's go michelle for the championship

d3 [Music]

so [Music] [Applause]

[Music]

so oh the deciding spin a hush falls over

the crowd drum roll please

oh hi there pigeon huh

okay okay i know you don't believe me about them being alive and all but you don't have to keep making fun of

me too yes oh that's so close

well you're officially squid tactile champ must be those dainty fingers

yep must be it was a tense battle but through cunning strategy and share skill

i emerged victorious well sure luck anyway nice tournament champ

what don't look at me like that i didn't do anything i'm the champ i didn't cheat well of

course you didn't cheat dearie you know better than that grand mom you know what the good book says about

cheating don't you the lord hates cheating scales but accurate weights are his delight

i don't know what that means say oh well say i'll take five pounds of

socks to the laundry but the chap at the laundrette fixes his scale so it says i've got 10 pounds now i've got to pay him double

for washing me socks that's a cheating scale it's like stealing

but these aren't socks it's the same with playing a game except instead of

cheating someone out of their money you're cheating them out of the good feeling they'd get from winning fair and square

and you don't really win do you love when you cheat everyone loses that's why god loves it

when we play fair everyone wins not many feelings better than winning fair and square

oh well congratulations on your victory [Music] sounds like we live in sponges ready

[Music] i didn't cheat i just bent the rules

a little

michelle francis conrad uh jason it's for you not so fast you're the one

we need this time jason was right you guys are alive either that or you're daydreaming whoa

deja vu dr fidgel gleezler right away captain

[Applause]

[Music] an exact duplicate of your brother only with pigtails we're

we're not identical twins we're just the same age well i'm five minutes older but there's no

pigeon and no glasses wait a minute vigil you missed the glasses right

sorry oh and don't worry about the glasses really i don't need them sure you do kid you gotta wear your

glasses unless they leave red marks on your beak oh they make me look

silly see that they make me look silly uh i mean they make her look silly nonsense i'm sure she looks just

smashing [Applause]

well crew why don't we say the chit chat for our next tea party right now we've got a bandicoot to save

[Music] hang on

[Music]

[Applause] okay let's make the briefing uh

yes well i'm let me guess you're uh mitchell what no actually

yeah but i'm captain huh who vigil mitchell no [Music]

no no no no no no vigil

zero and that's kevin [Music]

nice to meet you all my brother has told me a lot about you all good i hope [Laughter]

uh anyway look michelle we got word of a problem at the colossal aussie coliseum on space space pulamenka

[Music]

we received a strange distress call from the king of the bandicoots he is hosting the royal grand tournament

of one of their local traditional games however it seems the final championship game has been suspended under some kind

of protest and we've been instructed to go and help sort things out yes as ombudsman ombudsman

a group sent to help settle an argument

wow so let's get on with the mission buckle up for landing everyone whoa slow down there missy i don't think

you have a full appreciation of the demands of space travel it's much sore

as i was saying space travel can take hours days even several days

it's not like in those tv shows where they just go zipping around coming up on bulamenka uh a lot for landing everyone

[Music]

say that terrain looks pretty rough uh what's the landing approach protocol for this scenario

[Music] engage landing gear engaging

landing gear fantastic first try at the new landing gear i hope it works you mean you've never

tested it test it test it like your pigtails

once tea

[Music]

[Applause] [Music]

uh mitchell you're a genius smoothie's

landing here like butter why thank you you're all too kind

what did the landing gear break off identical

[Music]

boy penguins you can't just lob in on our tournament here

easy there my good lizard we've come only to arbitrate the contest and tell them to let me out of these

kinds i'm a danger mate who said that never you mind cause you're too late the game has been won

and i'm the new champ you know as i am the new champ i'm taking my right a*s chip to drop the loser's pieces down the curb

as is my right hang on a d*ck each eating for you that was freaky hold it

if you're the winner where's the other player over here mate

i don't want to be sent down the gargler how did he get in that cage i was

winning and those blokes

as you can plainly see there's no opponent over there the game is over i win by forfeit but

that doesn't make any sense whoa slow down there missy i think this gentleman understands the rules of the

game after all he is the champion penguin huddle

um right uh huddle up everybody

okay so uh what do we do well you know no job's too hard when you

use i recognize what it is they're playing it's a great big version of squidtack toad i've played it before actually back on

earth i'm the champion uh yeah champion plus i'm a girl

i have the upper hand well that may be michelle michelle michelle the champion hey

you can't peek into our huddle that's cheating well i'm a great admirer of yours

michelle your fame as a squid tattoo player is known throughout the galaxy it is i'll study your tactics i know of

your strategies i must say i'm impressed you are impressed but not intimidating because i myself am

a champion caliber as well i know what you're thinking but he's not a girl

how could he ever become chip well have a look at these

well michelle how's about a game double or nothing what you win everyone

goes free i win all the captured pieces take a trip down the curb

just what does that mean exactly it means you'll never see them again now see here

yes right okay then we'll be right with you

what do you think can you take him i don't think we've got much choice now do we you can do it michelle

we believe in you okay i'll do it i think i could take him

i've got to save the bandicoot king of bola from going down the gurgler

so you're going to give it a bash then i that's right where are my game pieces well i've got

most of mine but since most of yours are up there and as anyone knows

you know how the opponent me is a forfeit it also means i went again what i'm still reigning champ and it

looks like you're at the gumtree sorry michelle it's all to you too mr bandicoot wait i i'll find my own pieces now where in

the galaxy are you gonna find three more red knight ibs

you'll need another squid hopper

[Music] let the games begin

[Music]

and we're off [Applause]

[Music] rednaped dip to d3

[Music] [Applause] [Music] well i can see that i'm dealing with a

formidable opponent

[Music]

yellow capped whopper dinghy to b2 toad

roller

[Music] i think what's going on what is this

thing the tool dweller's gonna try and knock you off your square fidget hold on to what

[Applause] [Music]

oops [Music]

[Music]

[Applause] [Music]

so

oh

[Music] [Applause] [Music]

foreign [Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

hmm

[Music] michelle behind you it's a didgeridoo

oh no

wait a minute he cheated i saw him hold on there lizard there will be no

talking about the game piecing whoa hey not so fast but i saw him

silence

[Applause]

[Music] good on you five in a row that's game say g'day mate

[Music]

[Music]

hello try to delay the proceedings sorry well you can't hold up that coach forever squiddy so how's about i helped

speed things along

wait uh the lord hates cheating scales but accurate weights are his delight

i don't know what that means [Music] no wait listen to me if you've got

five pounds of socks in a 10-pound basket well where are you [Music]

when you cheat you're taking something that isn't yours not only are you taking away my chance

to win the game and save my friends you're also taking away your own chance to win the game fair and square

to be a real champion god loves it when you play fair that way everyone wins and there aren't

many feelings better than winning fair and square

[Music] [Applause]

[Music]

you know you've got something there missy i've won a lot of games by cheating but of all the things it's got me a good

feeling wasn't whatever the only way to really be a winner is to ply by the rules

well then how's about another game then mike this time on the level reset the playing field

[Applause] [Music]

ah sorry about the cheat mate no worries mike

well done michelle say how do you like the redhead look to woodpecker

[Music]

huh

stardate saturday the bandicoot king of bulamanca has been saved thanks to

michelle's excellent game playing skills and her wonderful oratory on playing by

the rules uh hold on stardate

or someone who just saved an endangered king you're looking a little blue oxygen levels okay it's just that

well i'm not really feeling like a champion and why is that well it's not the oxygen

levels i can assure you it's probably because when jason and i played the final championship game i

cheated to win there they go i just really wanted to

win that last game against jason but afterwards the more i thought about it the worse i felt

about the tournament jason everything you know michelle we had a saying back

at the academy cheating always uh oh

okay how did that go right cheating never [Music]

no wait that's not it let's see uh hmm ah when a cheater cheats the gd

uh i think i know what i need to do cheater cheetah

[Music]

hey there champ you seen that toy spaceship anywhere you mean the penguin ship yeah it's wait

a minute i think jason i've learned a thing or two hmm

wasn't it cool

all right my loves lights out don't forget to say your prayers

dear god thank you for mom and dad and keep them safe on their trip and for grandma and for the penguins and

for the squid tact game even though michelle is the champ uh

jason yeah about that game i'm not really the champ what i

cheated but i learned a lot about playing by the rules with the penguins

oh i'm sorry will you forgive me uh sure but you know what this means

what rematch after breakfast you're on and thanks for teaching me that i

need to play fair and square help me to beat this show

[Music]

amen does it how many screw in a light bulb that data is unavailable

humorous tell me why did the robot cross the road i don't know why did the robot cross the

road because it was carbon bonded to the chicken speaking of crossing the road i thought we were gonna take a trip to

the sun that is absurd our chassis would not withstand the intense heat of a journey to the sun

how would we accomplish this objective we just go at night speaking of the sun two hydrogen atoms

we're walking down the road the aforementioned one with the chicken no two hydrogen atoms walking down a

different road and one says the other oh dear i think i've lost an electron really the other ask

are you sure yes i'm positive

[Applause] right that was even trillomatic and rusty and appearing next on stage here

at the fabulous comic lounge their very first appearance anywhere it's a small group of penguins

i am

i am

[Music] think you're charming think you're neat that's scaly

skin scaly

when you do that

[Music]

you say g7 is empty as you smile and bite your lip but you know from the four pegs in a row

that he saved your battleship and you're telling her to go fish it ain't going like you planned

cause the hearts that she just asked for are beat [Music]

god wants us to play

[Music]

swear [Music]

you say it's colonel mustard in the den with a candlestick but that's not right because mrs white's

in the ballroom with a brick and you move your bishop sideways hey so your punk can steal my queen ooh

man i ain't staying with your dirty plane it's the worst i've ever seen oh you hate to be the loser so you always

[Music]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music] unless is good

[Music]

[Applause] [Music]

[Applause] [Music]

foreign [Music]

so

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

oh [Music]

all right you