03x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

(dramatic music) (police siren wails)

- [NARRATOR] Coming up,

Coping with foul stenches.

- Oh! That's howling, man!

- [NARRATOR] Dumping dirty money.

- You offering me a bribe?

- [NARRATOR] And dealing with cutthroat blades.

(Cameron mumbles)

- [NARRATOR] Hot on the heels of hoodlums.

- [JACK] (panting) Come back!

- [NARRATOR] Keeping the peace with ultimate force.

- When the public say they want more,

I think it's legitimate for me

to give them less.

- [NARRATOR] This is Scot Squad!

(dramatic music) (police sirens wail)

(car horns honking)

- [NARRATOR] In the United States of Scottish police work,

one man has worked his way up to the very top.

(bagpipes blowing)

- I've just noticed Twatt in Orkney!

- [NARRATOR] Hail to the chief of law enforcement,

Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.

- I should've got a pickled egg.

I haven't met the new president yet.

I'm sure our paths will cross,

the POTUS and I.

I did meet Obama.

A lovely three or four minutes up at Gleneagles

once when he was over golfing.

And we connected, I think.

There was a bond between us.

He recognized that we'd both overcome

great hardships to get where we are.

I mean, what are the odds?

A white, middle-class boy from Edinburgh

reaching a position of authority in Scotland?

(pulsing music plays)

- [NARRATOR] Knights of the road, czars of the cars,

McKirdy and Singh patrol the highways

and slam the brakes on crime.

(tires screech)

- Shite!

He's waving. Is he being nice?

Or is that a calculated move?

- [NARRATOR] But these fast movers

are also sensitive to anyone in need of assistance,

human or otherwise.

- We were called to the scene of an RTA,

which is a road traffic accident,

and we observed a gentleman who was involved.

He was quite banged up, so he had to go to the hospital.

He was fine, nothing serious.

But he had a dog with him,

so we took it upon ourselves

to take the dog into the back of our car,

and keep him with us

until we could safely drop him off at the kennels.

- What do you see? Any criminals?

Dogs are great, aren't they?

We should be equipped with them.

Nevermind having pepper spray or sticks,

I'm telling you, dogs are great.

We've got so many different departments in the police,

and a dog unit is something that I maybe would consider.

Not yet.

Obviously my heart lies in the roads,

my heart lies with traffic,

but this gave me a wee kind of taste of what it's like.

Oh, have you let one off?

- No!

- It's stinking, man!

Is that you?

You sitting in the back there farting?

- [SURJIT] Aw, geez!

- It is, isn't it? It's that dog!

Aw, that's howling, man.

Get the windows down!

We actually got a guy for speeding.

He was doing miles per hour in a zone.

When we pulled him up

and got him in the back of the police car,

he started to complain that he was allergic to the dog.

(offender sneezes)

I don't know if he was just playing it up,

or if he was just trying to wind us up,

but just to save any hassle,

I decided to swap seats,

we decided to swap seats with the guy.

I sat in the back

while my colleague here wrote him a ticket.

- Three points.

- Really? - Aye.

Be careful how you drive, all right?

Make sure you take your license down to the station as well.

And they'll process it, okay?

- Aye. (McKirdy burbling)

- You can go on your way now, right.

McKirdy, back in the front now.

Come on, let's go.

- I'll just stay in the back here.

All right?

Obviously it was great having a dog with us for the day

and I would, I'd love as a partner,

but I would never ever swap you for a dog.

I'd never ever do that to you.

Although it would be good to have somebody with hair,

(laughs) the dog.

(laughs), I'm only kidding, champ.

(dramatic music)

- [NARRATOR] In a community like this

man's best friend can be his local police station.

With limited resources,

Desk Sergeant Karen Ann Millar juggles duties

to decide what best deserves her diligence.

- Just because we respond to a call doesn't necessarily mean

that that call is deserving of respondents.

Eh, as a respondee, eh, we do respond,

but it's not necessarily worth responding.

- Alright, Officer Karen, how you doing?

- [KAREN] I'm alright, Bobby, but I'm really busy today.

I don't really have time.

- [BOBBY] I know you're busy,

but I've got some good news for you.

- That's nice, but can you maybe come in

and tell me about it tomorrow?

- No, I cannae come in, what's all this stuff,

I cannae come in tomorrow, it's today.

- I'm right in the middle of a data migration, Bobby.

We've got , records

that we're trying to put into a new database,

and I need to get all this.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, please don't.

Please don't mess it up, 'cause this is,

I know it doesn't look organized,

but I actually know where everything is, okay.

- Okay. - So you can,

I'll speak to you tomorrow.

- No, look, Officer Karen, you need to listen to me.

- You have to go away, Bobby, okay.

I'm trying to be nice about it, but you have to leave.

Sometimes police work has to happen in a police station.

Okay, so you can come back tomorrow.

On you go. - You're not listening.

You are not listening.

What did you tell me about people that don't listen?

- I can't remember Bobby.

I wasn't really listening to myself, to be honest.

- Bobby, did you tell here what-

- See.

See.

Go on then, tell her what's happening.

She's not listening to me.

- It's lovely to meet you. - Hey.

- I'm Shereen, nice to meet you.

- Miss Nanjiani, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a genuine fan.

- Nice to meet you.

I mean, Bobby has filled out this nomination form

to nominate you as one of Scotland's community heroes.

According to this, you've served your community

at an exceptional standard.

You're an unsung champion whose actions

indeed deserve wider recognition,

and you're an inspiration.

I'm delighted to tell you that you've won.

So we're here to do a wee bit of filming with you,

if, if that's okay.

- But she's really busy today and she cannae talk to us.

So I'll tell you what, we're just gonna go,

right, Officer Karen. - Oh no, I-

- No, no, Officer Karen.

I came in, you're busy, you've got your paperwork.

- [SHEREEN] We've got the crew outside.

- [BOBBY] Shereen, we cannae do it, come on.

- It'll just take five minutes.

- [BOBBY] Shereen, the crew will need to go.

- Five minutes. - No.

- Five minutes. - She's too busy, Shereen.

Come on.

You're still getting paid, don't worry.

See you later Officer Karen.

Come on, Shereen.

(jaunty music)

- Setting targets is an intricate process.

It's, yeah...

the key is they have to be achievable targets, firstly.

Now if I was to say to you,

my target is to stand up, put my coat on and go home,

you'd go, okay, that's an achievable target.

Is it that exciting?

You see?

Now if I was to say, conversely,

I'm going to levitate from this chair,

summon up a unicorn, fly home naked,

and have fish and chips with the blonde lassie,

"A Game Of Thrones",

you'd say, "Well, that's some target".

But is it achievable?

You see, so we're always looking for the middle ground,

something that's exciting enough

to engage the public and excite them.

But something that's also achievable enough

that we as a force can do it without that much effort.

Which is why I am committed

to getting chewing gum free pavements in Scotland

by the middle of June, .

(upbeat music)

- [NARRATOR] Urban officers, Jack McLaren

and Sarah Fletcher lift the lid on crime.

- Oh, it's a bam. - It's a bam.

- [NARRATOR] But as Halloween throws up extra challenges,

this Halloween the cops make sure

they speak up for the victims.

- We do a lot of of varied crimes

against people's sexuality, against people's race,

cultural insensitivity.

- For example, the other day we were called out

to what just looked like

a kinda minor as*ault in the street.

But it turned out that the whole thing

had been flipped on its head.

- [JACK] Yourselves have phoned the police?

- [VICTIM] Yeah, about bloody time, I've been bloody lamped.

- Okay. - Lamped?

- Yeah, a guy smacked me in the face.

- Can I take your drink off you, please, boys?

You shouldn't be drinking the street.

- You should not drink in the street.

- I especially know that, rocket fuel.

- It's not actually, not actually Buckfast.

I wouldn't touch the stuff.

- [JACK] Uh-huh.

- It's actually merlot, it's quite nice.

Quite oaky, woody.

- It was mental 'cause he's got a really posh guy

dressed as a bam.

- We'd had a sort of late lunch, leisurely meal.

Right, little Greek taverna, it's around the corner.

It's beautiful.

And we come walking down the street.

We'd had a little couple of drinks

and he shouted from the other side of the pavement,

"Hoy, big man, fanny, ba*ls",

something, something like that.

He just, and then he came running over, smacked me.

- Your voice, if you don't mind me saying,

doesn't fit with your gear.

- Your stereotype. - Yes, well-

- You look like bams.

- We're just out for Halloween, you know.

- Uh-huh. - So we're just dressing up.

- [SARAH] Ah, this is a costume.

- Yeah, just a bit of banter.

- Maybe the fella that lamped you,

were you mocking him?

Is he dressed like this?

- He could have been, yes.

- [JACK] We're not saying you're allowed to go around

smashing people in the face.

But you can maybe understand he felt he was getting mocked,

culturally insensitive.

It could be perceived as a hate crime.

- You know what these people are like.

- You've obviously- - They don't have

an ounce of sense.

Uneducated people who roam the streets

and they're just, they're looking for violence.

- [SARAH] It's not just poor people that cause crimes.

- Politicians, the biggest criminals of all.

- I mean they're slightly better crimes, aren't they?

I mean, let's be honest, no one's going around

punching anyone in the House of Lords, are they?

- Right, I'm gonna ask you a wee favor, boys, okay.

Take your hat off, please.

- [SARAH] Dress up for something different next year.

- Like? - Any suggestions.

- Minions or something like a cartoon.

- Do I look five years old?

- Well, you're in a tracksuit, mate.

Something safer. - Safer.

- 'Cause that way a real life cartoon,

a real life minion's not going come across the street

and batter you, is he?

Stop mocking people. Okay?

Right, look after yourselves.

- Stick in at the job.

- [NARRATOR] The cops take the vintage merlot

off the street.

This party's over,

as Lord Snooty hangs up his bam man costume for good.

- He was upper class but he certainly had no class.

- Hmm.

(upbeat music)

- [NARRATOR] Meanwhile, the chief

steers the steering committee in the right direction.

- Okay gentlemen, moving on.

Yesterday you saw a set of statistics

showing that crime in Scotland is on the rise.

Well, let me tell you, no, you didn't.

What you saw was a set of statistics

suggesting crime in Scotland was on the rise.

Let's have a look at them.

So here we are.

Mobile phone theft, up %.

Internet fraud, up %.

Theft of hybrid vehicles, up %.

Pretty damning statistics, I think you will agree.

Until you realize there were no mobile phones,

internet or hybrid vehicles in ,

the year in which these statistics are being compared to.

So let's play them at their own game.

Let's look at some success stories.

Witchcraft, down %.

Rustling, down %.

Scrumping, down %.

Now, the only constant throughout the years is bestiality.

It just seems that every generation

throws up the same amount of nut jobs

who want to have sex with a chicken.

(upbeat music)

- [NARRATOR] As the chief clear up the figures,

volunteer officer Ken Beattie plays up the community.

- [KEN] There we go. The fudge is in the hole.

- [NARRATOR] He's ready for anyone and anything,

at any time anything dodgy goes down on his shift.

- [KEN] Stop, police.

Police, come back.

Back here.

(officer panting) Police.

Trying to phone for backup.

- Get off me, mate.

- Officer requesting backup on Simpson Street.

- No, he's not.

- I've apprehended a suspect in a suspected drug deal.

- No, he's not. - Over.

Hey, come on you.

- [CRIMINAL] What you doing, man?

- What do you mean, what am I doing?

I'm arresting you for a drug deal, which I just witnessed.

There's that money.

- [CRIMINAL] Can we talk?

- Stop, that is yours.

- That's not my money, mate. - That is your money.

- You can take that money.

- What do you mean I can take it?

- I mean you can take that money and move.

I'll be off. You know?

- You offering me a bribe?

- No, mate. - A bribe?

- No mate, I'm just saying, you take that money.

- No, no, I will not be taking that money

because that money is yours.

And so I'll be putting that back in your pocket.

- Oh mate, now you're planting evidence in me, mate.

That's, that's...

- What? - You're a dirty cop, mate.

- Ken Beattie is not dirty, Ken Beattie is clean.

I'm one of the cleanest cops there is.

- You're planting money in me, mate.

- I'm not planting money at all, that's your money.

- Not my money, mate. - You just, I caught you.

What do you mean it's not your money.

I seen you, it, it's yours.

- It's yours mate.

- It's not. - Do you know what I mean?

Take the money, mate, go down the theater.

Do you like "Les Mis?".

- How'd you know that?

- You just look like a type that likes "Les Mis",

you know what I mean? - I do.

- You go and see it. - I do like

"Les Mis", you know. - Go and see it then.

Take that money.

- No, of course I'm not going to see it

with your blood money.

I dunno what to do though.

There, that's that settled.

- [CRIMINAL] You planting money on me again, mate.

- [KEN] Stop saying that.

- You know there's CCTV in here, mate.

They'll see that.

- Is there?

- If this goes to court, I'll say look at the cameras.

- Oh my God, that's the police.

It's here, suspected drug dealer.

- (beep) sick man. - There he goes.

He's got money. I've got money.

He accused me of planting evidence.

I never planted the evidence, okay, I'm a clean cop.

- Calm it down, man, calm it down.

That's all you have to do is hand it in at the station.

Six weeks, it's yours, you know what I mean?

- Can you do that?

- Of course you can.

- [KEN] Oh, okay, right.

- Right. - Sorry about that.

- You gonna calm down? - Yes, yes, of course.

Sorry. Thanks. - We'll take it from here.

Right? - See you later.

I caught him, by the way,

Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie.

Put in a good word for me.

(jaunty music)

Geezo.

- [NARRATOR] The cash was claimed the next day.

Meanwhile the head of the police

is concerned with the head of the head of the police.

- So the time and motion boys have been looking into

how I can best spend my time more efficiently.

And one of the areas they're looking into is my haircut.

I normally go to Studio Spectrum

and they've got one of those lovely wee cappuccino machines.

Chantelle, you know, washes my hair

and then Nicky gives me a massage scalp

and then Erin cuts it, and then her twin Kaley,

lovely girl, she'll blow it dry.

But you know, it's door to door,

it takes maybe four, four and a half hours.

So the time and motion boys

think maybe we can make a saving there.

So that's what we're looking today.

Let's have a haircut at the desk.

Jean, where is the, er,

the meeting about the security issue at Balmoral?

Is that the th?

Jean, what's the password

for that bunch of fast lane files we've got?

Aye, the sensitive ones.

Kaboom?

You're gonna bring the boat in where, Stonehaven?

Okay.

You reckon it's a bigger,

you reckon it's a bigger haul than last week's?

Okay, I want every hold searched, I want them searched.

I want the fish searched, right.

Jean, I'm just going through the diary

and I think I'm gonna have (mumbles).

Day, the meeting, (mumbles)

I think we're gonna have to put it on a Thursday.

Very happy with that.

You want to have a feel of that,

you're sitting back, (chuckles).

Smooth as butter.

Yeah, so haircut also, I like it, great success.

Didn't lose any time regarding police work.

And between you and me,

Ally gave me some very interesting information

about who's selling the counterfeit cigarettes

down in Granton.

(gentle music)

Win-win.

- [NARRATOR] At Cop Com's HQ,

Maggie LeBeau picks up all the crucial info

and gets all the key details.

- What was your name, sorry?

Christine. Christine what?

Christine from the roll shop.

I'm gonna need your second name.

It's just we don't have a roll shop option

on our system here.

- [NARRATOR] Fully focused,

even with time wasters.

- Daily, I get phone calls from people

who are phoning up to report crimes

that are not crimes.

Often they're just complaints

about something that people don't like.

Somebody's opened an olive oil shop in your street

and you think it's heavy dodgy.

For example, a bus stop might have a poster

of Justin Bieber on it.

And when you walk past that bus stop,

you might want to scrape your eyes out.

If I walk past that bus poster,

I would want to scrape my eyes out.

However, that being there is not a crime.

So don't call .

And the Scottish Police Force would always advise

that you don't scrape your eyes out for any reason.

You think that your neighbor has stolen the lawnmower.

What makes you think that he's stolen it?

Just because he earns less than you

doesn't necessarily mean that it's stolen.

We get calls daily from people who say,

"Oh, so and so hasn't opened their curtain for three days."

That's not a crime, that's not an emergency.

You know, they've probably just got a heavy hangover.

is not appropriate for a curtain call.

- [NARRATOR] In the bonny hills and the bonny glens

McIntosh and MacKay stamp out

anything they reckon could be iffy.

- What's going on? - You're under arrest.

- [NARRATOR] But tradition decrees they go softly, softly

when the locals want to party hard.

- Every town has its own festivals and traditions.

People have gala days and fairs.

We have the Butter Fist.

- The Butter Fist?

- It's an age old tradition, a huge local fair.

They do stuff from morning right through to the evening.

They bring out a huge barrel of butter

and they put it right in the village center

and everyone just fists into the butter.

And then whatever you manage to scoop up,

you get to take that home with you.

You haven't lived until you've fisted a barrel of butter.

Oh, I must take you fisting some time.

You'll love it.

The big thing, someone is elected the butterman.

He has to then take two fistfuls of butter.

There's a bunch of butter bashers around.

- Butter bashers?

- Yeah, they're trying to stop the butterman

getting from one end of the town to the other,

because he has to get to the other end,

'cause if he does so and completes it before sundown,

he gets to take the butter queen to the butter ball.

- You know, inebriation and public lubrication

was something that we were supposed to guard against,

but apparently if you do it annually

then we can help you celebrate.

- Oh, hello. - You gotta help me.

They're after my butter.

- You know the rules as well as I do.

- Go on, where can I hide?

- No, no, we can't abet the butterman.

- [BUTTERMAN] Anything, come on, help me.

- On your way, get going quick, they'll be here soon.

- Just up there.

- What you doing? - What?

- You cannot abet the butterman.

- Where be the butterman?

- There be the butterman. - Charlie.

Charlie, you said you weren't supposed-

- [CHARLIE] If somebody asks the question,

you have to give the answer.

Come on now, get him. - Hey, you.

- [CHARLIE] That's it. (laughs)

- Charlie, he's sitting on top of him.

- No, he's fine, he can breathe.

- He can't breathe. (Charlie laughs)

Charlie, this is as*ault.

- No, it's a wee knobbing?

That's what they call it.

- A wee what? - Just a knobbing.

They're trying to get the knobs of butter off him.

- That is horrendous and this is-

- Give him a knobbing for me.

- Get off. - Oh, he's broken free.

- Ooh. - The butterman's away.

- Run. - Have it.

- Run. - Oh.

- He'll have a whole day of that.

God.

That is, oh,

what I would give to be the butterman.

It got a little bit wild at times,

but nowhere near as bad as .

That was a particularly messy affair,

not enough butter, too much fist.

You do the math. (upbeat music)

- One of our biggest challenges

is keeping up with technology.

Do you know what's just around the corner?

Driverless cars.

I can tell you now, that's the next big one.

Because if there's an accident

or a crime committed by a driverless car,

even something as simple as speeding,

there's no driver to arrest.

What do we do?

Can we arrest the car?

Can we imprison the car?

I honestly don't know the answer to these questions,

but somebody needs to find out

because the future is,

it's coming straight to towards us

and we need to know, we need to meet it head on.

The main question

is will the car ever be treated as a sentient being?

Right now we can say what we want about our cars,

you know, but in the future, might they take offense?

I've got a crappy Renault.

I can say bloody French cars anytime I want.

But if that Renault comes to understand

that it's a French car,

is it gonna take offense on that?

Then the public might worry about us

pulling over too many black cars.

That'll be the next thing, you know.

And then, is an MOT an invasion of their privacy?

These will be the issues, mark my words.

(dramatic music)

- [NARRATOR] The public have to deal

with dangerous hucksters out to con them for an easy buck.

So it's lucky Desk Sergeant Karen Ann Millar has their back.

- It's important to remember

that being a victim of crime

does not automatically make you a fool.

Even the best of us can be duped.

Confidence tricksters will worm their way

right inside your life.

Eh, I like to liken it to taking care of dolphins.

You know, everybody is dolphin friendly, aren't they?

Well we, we're tuna friendly.

Scottish police force is there to look after tuna too.

(door bangs) - Officer Karen,

are you all alright? - Bobby, how are we doing?

- You alright?

- [KAREN] I'm fine, yeah.

- Are you hurt or anything, are you safe?

- [KAREN] I'm, I'm perfectly all right.

- The thing is, I was worried, right.

I got a deal off Groupon, right,

and I went to see a fortune teller.

And see, the fortune teller,

she gave me a warning.

She was like that someone you know is in grave danger.

Right? - Okay.

- It's a lassie, right?

- Okay. - She's got blonde hair,

blue eyes, and she's always smiling,

and something bad's going to happen.

And I thought I need to go on and tell Officer Karen

and make sure you're all right.

- Yes, I'm, I'm fine, Bobby.

Why did you feel that you had to tell me

about this risk to an unnamed

blonde, blue eyed lady of your acquaintance?

- Well, I was just wondering, 'cause maybe,

you know how when people are like born

they've got blonde hair

and then when you get older your hair goes darker.

- Well, I can reassure you, Bobby,

that I did not have blonde hair when I was a child.

- Mm.

So you're okay?

- I'm fine.

It's a shame, Bobby, these people are charlatans.

Fortune telling is the last bastion

for a credible society

who are seeking some kind of higher power

to give them an opportunity to see a future for themselves

and to feel as though someone else

is in control of their destiny.

Rather than having to accept

that the universe is just a very complex mechanism

that operates on its own rules

and you can't really control it.

- I...

That's what I said.

- Then the thing to do, Bobby,

is to accept that maybe the best thing

is to appreciate every day as an adventure.

You move forward through life

never knowing what's gonna happen to you,

it's gonna be a lot more fun, isn't it?

- Yeah.

Okay. - Don't you worry,

don't you let those charlatans take you in, okay?

- Right, okay, I'll go up and get my sausage rolls

and I'll come back down.

Anyway, see you later Officer Karen, bye.

- See you later. - Do you want anything?

- I'm good, thanks. - Right, okay, see you later.

- See you later.

(upbeat music)

(siren blaring)

- I'll tell you the amount of vehicles

that we've pulled over in our career.

We pulled over motors, vans, lorries, boats.

The other day we were traveling along

and we've see a male

traveling at some speed going down the main road.

- What?

He's in the middle of the road.

Here.

Pull over. - Hello, chaps.

- We pulled him over.

Hi, what are you playing at?

What's happened?

- All right, boys.

- Some speed you were going at, do you not think?

- Look, it was an emergency.

- What was the emergency? What was happening?

- Well, I was getting my shopping back

from my neighbor, you see? - Right, right, okay.

- Before it defrosted, 'cause it's all frozen food

'cause he's elderly.

- What you got for him anyway, you got kind of...

frozen cheese and ham toasties.

- Yeah, the basics, you see. - Is that us done?

- I've gotta go, boys, here man, come on.

- He started to get a wee bit shifty.

He started out to be a bit kinda edgy,

on edge, as if he was hiding something.

But nothing gets by us.

On further inspection, I found something

that completely shocked and surprised me.

Is this what they're selling down the freezer shop now, hey?

- No, it must have been planted.

- What is this, eh? Charlie?

- I don't- - Skank?

Smack? - I don't-

- Meow, meow. - I don't know.

- [MCKIRDY] Hey, so you've been scooting

all round about Iceland with this in the back of your...

- Well, I didn't realize, didn't I ?

I cannae see behind me, I'm not an owl.

- [MCKIRDY] You've got a lot of explaining to do, boy.

- [SURJIT] Right, we're gonna have to take you

down to the station. - What?

- [SURJIT] We're gonna have to take you down to the station.

- [NARRATOR] The cops have seen enough

and call it in. - Why?

- I'm gonna get a van.

- to Force Control.

- [NARRATOR] The suspect powers off.

- [MCKIRDY] Come back, you.

Come on here. - Nice try.

- Can we get the handbrake on?

- Come on, that's it. - Get the ignition off.

- Switch off. - Is the ignition off?

- Okay. - Get it off.

I'm don't wanna use a stinger, right?

That's the last thing I want to use on these new wheels.

You know, in the police force

we don't see race, religion, ability,

but what what they see is big bags of gear

and he had a big bag of gear.

So we arrested him.

(upbeat music)

- [NARRATOR] The modern Scottish police officer

is professional and presentable.

- Hi there. - Hello.

- I'm looking to sign up for the police.

Could I have a wee leaflet, please?

- Absolutely. I'll do it, it's cool.

- [NARRATOR] Doing good, feeling good, looking good.

- Have you noticed?

- What?

Noticed what? - My hair.

- What about it?

- I spent quid on it.

- What?

- A bit of color, styling-

- But it's exactly the same.

- By a master stylist.

- Could you stop looking in that mirror.

That's not what that mirror is for.

- I think it is.

It's to see if there are any cars coming.

- quid. - It's an investment.

- Investment in what?

- [JACK] An investment in,

well think of the birds it'll get.

quid.

- I tell you-

- It's like an ICA for shagging.

- Oh.

- No. - Listen, listen, listen.

We're going to take you down to the station.

You understand that?

Can I ask you a quick question?

How much would you pay for a haircut like this?

(fighters shouting) Girls, girls, girls, hey.

Hey, the pair of youse.

- She's a slag. - Look, hey.

Hey, hey. - Unhand me.

- Right off.

(Jack screams) - Come here, you.

- You're gonna make me bald.

I'm gonna look like a monk.

Right. (screams)

- [SARAH] Right, that's it, I'm arresting you.

You are under arrest.

- [JACK] (screams) Pepper, pepper.

- [SARAH] I'm not peppering her, Jack.

- Let go of his hair, he's just that done.

Cost him a bloody fortune.

- [CRIMINAL] What are you gonna do?

What have you got in there?

- A fiber putty.

(gentle music)

It's quid a tub.

- [NARRATOR] Doing good while still looking good.

Meanwhile, the chief has a good idea.

- So I've been looking at ways

in which the digital economy

can potentially raise revenue for the police force.

And interestingly,

you'll find that most crimes are committed solo

so that when we arrest the criminal,

there's only one person in the back of the car.

So there is an available seat, there's a...

seems silly to waste that.

Is there anything we can do with that?

Well, my thinking is police Uber.

How about that?

We are making the journey anyway.

Why not pick someone up on the way?

You know, what member of the public

is not going to enjoy a ride in a police car.

And of course, it's the safest ride in town.

You could guarantee the driver's been CRB checked.

Has he been vetted? Yes.

Are the police happy with 'em?

Of course they're happy, they are the police.

Now, like any tremendous idea,

you need to be forensic and look for flaws.

Potentially here I see the problem being,

if police Uber takes off, yeah,

then the actual Uber drivers become unemployed.

As we know unemployment leads to crime,

we're back to square one.

So maybe the answer is we flip it, yeah,

and we get the Uber boys to pick up the criminals.

So you phone in the crime, we phone the Uber boys,

the Uber boys drive around, scoop up the criminal,

bring them back to us.

You can see that working, couldn't you?

It's all kicking off at the,

don't worry there's an Uber XL two minutes away.

He'll come and sort it out.

Flawless.

(upbeat music)

(siren blaring)