02x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

- [NARRATOR] Coming up. (police siren blares)

- [MCKAY] Worried about your underwear?

- [NARRATOR] Deep trouble in deep water.

- [MCINTOSH] Ooh! (water sloshes)

- [NARRATOR] Breaking up a break-in.

- Hello!

(desperate music) (police siren wails)

- [NARRATOR] And taking aim at tough targets.

- Take the b*stard down if it kills me!

(g*n fires)

(robbers heckle)

- [NARRATOR] All part and parcel of being an officer

in the Scottish Police Force. - [MCINTOSH] Okay!

- Silly, silly boys.

- [NARRATOR] This is Scot Squad.

(rock music)

(siren blares)

(rock music echoes)

(dire music)

- [NARRATOR] In a modern Scotland,

a modern police force needs to utilize

all that the modern world has to offer,

and Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson

is happy to embrace the latest technology.

- All right, this is what they call a selfie stick.

I'm taking a photograph of myself,

I've signed up to a campaign against bigotry.

Um, it's just a simple photograph of celebrities,

people in the public eye.

"Something for bigotry", Jane, is it?

"Do something about bigotry."

Uh, so that'll be the photo.

Big sign, "Do something about bigotry".

I was wasn't sure at the start, you know,

because you get asked

to do everything in this job.

But then y-you always check

who else is on the list,

and we've got Big Gerry Butler, uh,

Ewan McGregor's doing it, uh,

one of the Proclaimers,

not sure which one.

I think, "Okay, you're in safe hands, then."

So I'll just, if you don't mind.

(camera clicks)

Okay, that's-

Oh no, is there something?

(Miekelson groans)

(camera snaps) That's better.

Okay, Jane, how do you delete on this?

I've just, I took, what.

O-o-one of them's, "Thumbs up to bigotry",

which we don't want.

What?

The left?

What did I send?

Jane, I've just sent

the thumbs up to bigotry to...

I've copied everyone!

I've copied in Sturgeon!

I've just sent "Thumbs up to bigotry" to Sturgeon!

You got-!

Oh. (dire music)

- [NARRATOR] In a world of Facebook and Snapchat,

for Officers McLaren and Fletcher,

it's often a face to look at during a snappy chat

that is the most important form of policing.

- [MCLAREN] Afternoon, how you doing?

- Shut up.

- Charming.

(dramatic music) (door knocker knocks)

We're, um, got a lovely brick house

with a court summons for, uh,

speeding offenses, I think.

There was no answer at the door.

And the, the back door had been,

had been panned in.

Busted.

(shoes tap)

- Oh, hi!

- [FLETCHER] Oh, hello!

- Hello!

- [FLETCHER] So. - So how, uh,

how-how can I help? - Well.

- [FLETCHER] Is this your house?

- Of course.

- What's your name?

- My name is Jimbo.

- He was trying to make us believe

that it was his house,

which it soon became apparent

that he was, uh,

just trying to fool us.

- Here for a court summons

for the Lady of the house,

but you'll know where she is.

- Right, yeah, my wife, yeah.

Is not, she's not here.

- Your wife, being...

- [JIMBO] I can take that though.

- Um, Mrs. Kumar?

- That... is correct.

- So you would be Jimbo Kumar?

- Yeah.

- Where is it you're from, Jimbo?

- Me?

What, do you mean originally? - Like originally, yep.

- I'm, yeah, I'm from the East.

- The East End?

- No, uh, further east than that, you know.

- [MCLAREN] Fife. - Aye.

- It was, it was pretty clear that

he was a stranger in that house.

- [FLETCHER] Mm-hm.

- Um, he did the classic "repeating every question",

which is buying you time, you know,

many years in the police.

- "What's your name?"

- "What? What's my name?"

That kinda thing.

- [FLETCHER] So what is it you do?

- What do I do? - [FLETCHER] Mm-hm.

- I am a lawyer.

- Wow.

Jimbo, you seem really comfortable by the piano.

Is this yours? You play? - Yep, uh, yeah, yeah.

I'm, uh, since I was ,

I've been playing one of these.

- [FLETCHER] Wow.

(dissonant piano notes play)

(hesitant notes play)

(upbeat music) (shutter slides)

- [NARRATOR] From minor keys to major crimes,

someone whose notes are always in order;

Desk Sergeant Karen Ann Millar.

- Being part of the community means

that we have to be accessible

to everyone within that community.

- Officer Karen!

You all right?

- Hello Bobby, what can I you for?

- How you doing?

- [NARRATOR] And some members of the community

value that accessibility more than others.

- Sorry, Officer Karen,

Do you want a show of my stunt kite?

Maybe's coming up

and asking me where the golf sale is.

Oh, Karen, Officer Karen,

I found out where they fell, our gloves.

- Police means "Man of the people".

We need their help to help them.

And if they help us to help them,

then we can help them in a more helpful way.

- Officer Karen.

- Bobby. - All right.

I've been doing some work for you.

You know how you get on that, like,

storage database for the DNA?

I was thinking, like,

I was taking fingerprints of people

and I've got them all,

and I was thinking you could store it.

The postman, eh,

I think that is David from the road shop.

- We can't, we can't use fingerprints

that you gathered in that way, um,

because they've been kinda gathered illegally.

- But I'm telling you that it's not illegally,

'cause that's Tam the Bam.

That's the guy that cuts a bit of my butt

with his tap-aff.

- [MILLAR] Right. - And he's massive,

but he's got wee tiny, tiny horns.

- And did he give you written permission

to retain his fingerprints?

- I dunno, all right?

Tammin, he's like,

"You all right, Bobby?"

And I was like,

"Yeah, can I get your fingerprints?"

And he's like "Yeah, (indistinct), Bobby."

If you want my prints as well,

you can take my prints.

I've haven't really done anything,

but you can take them just in case.

I mean, there was that time

I ordered a hamburger at a McDonald's

and they gave us a double cheeseburger

and I never said anything about it

and I ate it.

- I'm gonna let you off for that this time, Bobby,

um, but I'm-I'm going to ask you

to hang on to them for me, okay?

- Okay.

See you later, all right, Officer Karen,

and I'll come in next time with footprints,

all right? - Don't, don't.

Bobby, please don't collect people's things.

- Choice? Footprints? - No, no, not any parts.

No, no parts of the body at all.

- Right, okay. - [MILLAR] You okay?

- Right, see you later, Officer Karen.

- [MILLAR] See you later, Bobby.

- [NARRATOR] Lewis Hamilton is not from Scotland,

but from Lewis to Hamilton,

Scotland loves speed.

Thankfully, Officers Singh

and McKirdy are there to slow things down.

- Who was it?

Whoa, fae boys, Traffic's got it,

Traffic's got it.

Oh, look at that.

Nah, it's not always serious in a police car.

Sometimes we got an old chuckle.

We were driving along last week,

We were driving along the road

and there were some temporary traffic lights.

So we're sitting there,

and we looks to the left

and we've seen a female.

(laughs) Look at!

Look at that woman!

"When red light shows, wait here".

She thinks it's for her, she stopped.

(McKirdy laughs)

Oh, what a dafty, man. - Oh, that's stupid, innit?

(McKirdy laughs)

- Obviously we had a good laugh at that.

It was a sign for the woman,

you know what I mean?

She did look stupid.

Um, but we got a wee giggle, didn't we?

You found it funny.

- Well, but I wouldn't say that.

We did feel sorry for her.

I think we should let her know.

- [MCKIRDY] Nah, no, leave it. - I'm gonna get out and tell.

- No, I'll let her be, let her.

- I'm affronting for her!

- It's fine.

- I've gotta let her know.

(seatbelt buckle clicks)

(Singh stammers)

- Oi, oi, oi! - [MCKIRDY] It's gone green.

- Green. - [MCKIRDY] She's off.

- The light on. - [MCKIRDY] She's on her way.

- [SINGH] Come on, come on, come on.

Seatbelt on, come on. - [MCKIRDY] Problem resolved.

- Quick, quick, quick! (seatbelt clicks)

(energetic music)

- [NARRATOR] At the house break in,

our Officers are stripping the sheets

from this criminal's bed of lies.

- We got in a sting operation, basically.

We gave him enough rope to hang himself.

Uh, we just asked him question after question.

Played with him.

I felt like a big cat playing my mouse.

- So you're a big, big fan of reading.

- Huge reader. - Huge.

I felt like a fox can never outfox the fox.

Why don't you tell us what this one's about?

- The Fig Eater? - The Fig Eater.

- It's on the title, innit?

I mean, it's about, uh,

the world's premier fig eater. (Fletcher hums)

- [MCLAREN] Who's that?

- One of my, that's Prince Charles.

- [MCLAREN] Yep. - Yep.

- With?

- One-one of my neighbors.

He gave me that as a gift.

We're quite close.

I'm actually in that photo as well.

I'm behind him,

you cannae really see me there, like.

- Jack and I, my colleague,

we're just, uh, close to a tea break.

We're having a takeaway. - Oh, yous wanna, wait.

How rude of me, oof.

Sorry, I'm a wee bit scattered.

- Quite a lot of people offer us

a tea or a coffee or a... - They do, right, sorry that.

(indistinct) a little nibble.

Please, uh, come through to the kitchen.

- I did actually need a cup of tea.

But he had no idea where the tea cups were,

or the tea bags,

or any tea making facilities,

which was odd. - [JIMBO] Yeah, here we go.

- Ooh! - Big mug, small mug.

What would you like?

We've got all.

- Ooh, there's a big mug here. (chuckles)

- [JIMBO] Yeah. - [MCLAREN] I think we should.

- [NARRATOR] Having seen enough,

Officers McLaren and Fletcher bring

down the curtain on Jimbo's theatrics.

He's now playing a Royal Command Performance

at Her Majesty's pleasure.

- [JIMBO] You're gonna leave my home unattended

with that door still open?

Actually.

- Yes, we do a lot of stop and searches.

Of course we do.

But I like to think of it as catching a bam

before they're a bam.

It's basically a pre-bam policy.

You-you have to identify

who's potentially going to be a bam,

and it's very difficult

unless you stop them, you know?

You can't just tell a bam walking down the street.

Well, I mean, you can, obviously.

'Cause they'll be, you know,

what they're wearing,

they look like a JK,

they talk like a bam,

they're drinking Neon Cider.

But, there are other bams

that might slip through the net,

so let's stop them, search them,

and get them off the road to bamness.

If we could go in

and stop one bam from becoming a bam,

then we've helped that bam,

and we've helped society.

And if we could stop a crime

before it's a crime,

everybody's happy.

So I'm all for nipping things in the bud.

I am a bud nipper!

(uplifting music)

- [NARRATOR] Armed with only a notebook.

- You're on my to-do list.

- [NARRATOR] And a strong sense of civic duty,

Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie

has his sights firmly set

on helping the public. (papers rustle)

- Whilst out on patrol,

I came across a young female.

- [RACHEL] Brick! (bleep)!

- Excuse me, excuse me.

You know, she was very upset,

so I approached and I began talking to her.

You, you okay?

- No, I'm not okay!

- Just (bleep) everywhere.

- Okay, just- - [RACHEL] Go everywhere.

b*stard!

(bleep) leave my (bleep)! (screams)

My fiancee ran off with a dentist!

- Oh, well, that's, that's awful.

- With a dentist!

We were supposed to get married!

- Oh, dear.

- We were supposed to have a seaside-themed wedding,

and, because we met at the beach.

- They planned their wedding.

It was a little sea themed,

and, like, shells and the sea and seaweeds,

and it sounded lovely.

It really did.

- All the tables were shaped like starfish.

I was gonna have little anchors on my shoes!

- Sounds like a lovely wedding.

- I know! - Sorry!

- I know it sounds lovely!

I've spent months planning this.

I've spent my whole time planning this.

It was supposed to be next week,

and this is what,

this is what he's done to me!

My hair was gonna look like

The Little Mermaid's hair when she comes,

like, out from the water,

and it-it's really nice, and.

- Oh, that sounds beautiful, actually.

Little Mermaid's one of my favorite films, actually.

- Yeah, it's mine.

It's mine. - Really?

- Yeah.

His was Muppet Treasure Island.

- [NARRATOR] As Ken Beattie connects with the public,

the public connect with Scottish Police Force's

Call Center operator, Maggie LeBeau.

And she's never engaged.

- Police Emergency, how can I be of assistance?

Just to be clear,

so his hands are the same size

as Trevor McDonald's?

So how long was the blade?

Ah, well, that-that's not so bad, then!

What are our opening hours?

Um, well, we're open all the time.

Yep, yep, /.

Oh, oh no, no,

the number is ,

I-I mean we're open hours a day,

seven days a week.

I have a lot of personal heroes, I do.

Uh, for me, probably my top heroes

would be Joan of Arc,

what an incredible, inspiring woman,

and Cobra from Gladiators.

Um, top two.

Yeah, we'll even be open on your birthday!

We will, yeah.

Well, no, I don't know when your birthday is,

but I know we'll be open.

I would also say Aristotle.

He once said,

"If you don't want to be criticized,

be nothing, say nothing, do nothing."

And that's basically how I try and live my life.

(car whooshes)

- [NARRATOR] Suspended high above the river,

Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie

continues to pour oil on troubled waters.

- We started opening up

and sharing with one another.

I told her about my wedding.

I've planned my wedding as well.

- [RACHEL] Have you? - Yeah.

- Where do you get married?

- I've not found the right person yet, but.

- Have you?

Don't, don't,

don't marry a dentist.

- No, don't worry, don't worry.

- What are you gonna do for your wedding?

- I've got a church that I'd like to use

that I've seen in a Christmas card

that a prost*tute gave to me.

- Aw! - And I've got a dance

that I've already choreographed

that I'll teach everyone before, and.

- Oh, what's your dance?

- My dance? - Yeah!

So what, what do you dance?

- [BEATTIE] That. - Like that?

- That, that's just part of it.

(feet shuffle)

- Oh, it changes. Okay.

Look it.

- [BEATTIE] It's like getting the (indistinct), really.

- [RACHEL] Yeah. - [BEATTIE] It helps.

Another arms, and that as well.

Then like that.

Like that and like that.

That's the way, you're good at it!

- [RACHEL] Yeah, well, you're a good teacher!

- Thank you very much.

So you're feeling better now?

- Yeah.

- You shouldn't throw yourself off.

I mean, like, you've got a whole.

- I wasn't, I wasn't gonna throw myself off!

- [BEATTIE] Oh!

- No, I'm not throwing myself off

over a (bleep) dentist, no.

- You know, I felt a real connection with her.

She was a lovely girl.

Kinda shared a very tender moment on the bridge.

Okay? - [RACHEL] Yeah, thank you.

- [BEATTIE] Lovely to meet you.

- [RACHEL] You too.

- I will have to fine you for littering, I'm afraid.

- What?

- You did a lot of littering,

and I do need to still do my job, so.

- But, but I'm heartbroken.

- I understand that,

but crime doesn't stop for heartbreak.

- How much are you charging me?

- It's a pound thing.

Push, push your name.

- Uh, Rachel McGuigan.

- It's a lovely name.

- Thank you.

(ticket rustles)

- It's lovely to meet you, Rachel.

- Thanks.

- Take care.

Crime doesn't stop for love, unfortunately.

Love doesn't stop for crime.

(thoughtful music)

- Well, last year it was suggested

that there should be a portrait commissioned

of the Chief to (indistinct) Headquarters, here.

I was dead against it.

I don't think that's the,

the right use of the public purse.

But to be honest,

there was a clamor from the men of the force,

saying, "No, I think this would help us

in our day to day business,

as we'd walk past that portrait

to give us something to aim for.

Will-will I, a little man,

one day reach that height?"

So, we found the money.

The portrait is, uh, is going ahead.

But I am, as I've stated,

very much against it,

and it's only for morale.

You happy with that side?

I can, you, you know?

(Louie stammers)

Still?

- [LOUIE] S-s-s-sit still, please.

All right, okay, sorry.

It's just that this side-

- Would you just please sit still?

- [MIEKELSON] Just my better side, you know?

- Yeah.

- Okay, I always sit much stiller than this.

(muffled) Are you done?

Can you really hear this?

Louie?

You done, Louie?

Is there any way you could make a suggestion

that I still have hair under my hat?

(techno music)

- [NARRATOR] Scotland's countryside

can be a strange and confusing place.

- [MCINTOSH] Yes, thank you.

We've exchanged some information, there.

- [NARRATOR] But it's home sweet home

for Officers McIntosh and McKay.

(McKay growls)

Happy to wade in and help those

up the creek without a paddle.

- We were called out by a couple of ladies

whose boat had slipped its mooring

on a large body of water.

And to make matters worse,

their pet cat was stranded on board.

- The ladies had taken the cat

out for a picnic on the boat,

um, which apparently they do quite a lot.

Um, they'd got back ashore

and then the boat had drifted out

with the cat still on board.

- [MCINTOSH] What's the, what's the cat's name?

- [BOTH] Ollie.

- [MCINTOSH] There's no way you can entice it?

- [MCKAY] Could you maybe just try and call it out?

- What does he come to?

Like, Ollie, Ollie, Ollie!

- [MCKAY] Ollie, Ollie!

- Time was against us.

We couldn't wait for any backup, really.

We didn't know how far the boat

would drift with this cat on board.

If that capsizes,

we're gonna have a soggy moggy on our hands,

and there's nothing more distressful

than a little wet pussycat, so.

Someone's gonna have to do something.

- You could go in, you could get him.

- No.

No, it's, it's not really. - I mean,

it's not far, is it? - No.

- I'm not, I'm not the strongest-

- I actually think that's a really good idea.

- Do you? - Yeah.

And so Charlie very bravely volunteered himself.

- Yeah.

- Uh, to head into the water,

and to bring the boat

and the cat back to safety.

- Yes.

- If you take your trousers off,

then, you know, you're just getting your legs wet,

so it'll be much easier to dry off.

- You want me to take my trousers off?

- Uh-huh.

- [MCINTOSH] All right.

- I don't want you to,

I'm just saying it would make sense if you did.

- Yeah, okay.

Yeah, it makes, it makes sense.

- [MCKAY] Yeah.

- Just, I'm not fully prepared.

- [MCKAY] Eh, it doesn't matter.

Nobody's interested, we've all seen it before.

Right, just, come on,

put your trousers off. - Okay, okay.

If I'd known this was gonna happen today,

I would've worn some more suitable boxer shorts.

- Look, nobody's worried about your underwear.

- I know, but.

- [MCKAY] Just gimme your trousers!

- [MCINTOSH] Okay.

- [MCKAY] Right, Charlie, be careful.

- Okay. (water sloshes)

I've got this under control.

Do not panic.

- [MCKAY] Yeah, you look good.

(McIntosh exclaims)

Don't think about it. - Okay.

I waded in, no problem.

Got to the cat.

Had to make sure he knew I was his friend, but.

Who's a pusha?

- [MCKAY] That's it.

- [MCINTOSH] Who's a pushy-

Oh for f-! (Ollie yowls)

Fox's Glacier Mints, he came at me!

- Maybe it's best if you just

push the boat back in towards us,

and then we can take the cat out

once you get here, okay?

How's he looking?

- He looks like a cat stuck in a boat at the moment.

It doesn't look best, please, but.

- [MCKAY] Right.

That's it. - So I'm just gonna go for it.

Okay. - [MCKAY] Well done, Charlie!

- Thank you.

- [MCKAY] Don't let go, don't let go.

- [MCINTOSH] Okay.

- [MCKAY] That's it, keep hold of him underneath.

Don't turn him upside down. (Ollie meows)

- Ooh. - [MCKAY] Yes, aw.

- Here you are.

Here's your mummy.

One p*ssy cat!

- Oh, thank you, thank you.

Aw, (indistinct), you're looking frightened.

- [MCKAY] There we are. - Look at that.

(chuckles) Put up your dukes!

- [MCKAY] Well done, Charlie. - Thank you.

- Oh, it's nothing, really,

I do this all the time.

- You were a wee bit cold.

- It wasn't that bad.

(cat owners chatter)

- Charlie. - Yeah?

- Do you maybe want to..? - Oh, yes.

Well, actually, maybe best to just

air dry a little bit

before putting the trousers on, you know?

- Really? - It's, it's a nice day.

- It's pretty cold. - Oh no, not at all.

Honestly, by the time we get back to the car,

I'll be dry as anything.

Come on! - All right.

- The uniform doesn't make the officer.

You have to be able to perform your duties

regardless of clothing.

On this occasion,

I had to perform my duties without my trousers.

If, on another occasion, Officer McKay

or myself have to lose all our clothes

to do what we have to do,

then rest assured we will do that.

- No, no I wouldn't. - Okay.

(inspirational music)

- So what's the big reveal?

Don't mind telling you,

I'm quite excited, actually.

Go on.

(distant phone rings)

For (bleep) sake, man!

What? (scoffs)

All right, thank you very much.

If you could just take it away.

We'll put it in the (indistinct) office or something.

(rapid techno music)

(door opens)

- All right, Officer Karen,

How you doing? - [MILLAR] Hiya, Bobby.

- [BOBBY] You all right? - You all right?

- I'm all right. - I'm buzzing.

I've got a surprise for you.

- All right, what's..?

- You know how I go to the community center?

- Uh-huh.

- We've got a community band, right?

And see, in a couple of weeks

we're all playing in a big massive field,

and we're go, it's like an open band area.

And I was wondering if you wanted tickets

to come and see me play.

- If I can make it along to the concert,

I'll-I'll get it straight there.

- Officer Karen, I'll play it for you.

This is brilliant, right?

It'll get you through your shift.

(whispers) One, two, three, four.

(dissonant glockenspiel notes chime)

(phone rings)

- Bobby, I...

- One, two, three, four.

- [MILLAR] I just need to get this,

just two seconds, all right? - One, two, three, four.

- Morning.

- [BOBBY] One, two, three, four.

- [MILLAR] No. (glockenspiel chimes)

Yeah, what, no. - One, two, three, four.

(glockenspiel glissandos) Ta-ta-daa!

No?

- No, no, it was, it was great, Bobby.

It was really good.

You did really well,

and, um, that's, that's brilliant.

Well done. - Okay.

You're more than welcome to come, all right?

- I'll see what I can do, okay Bobby?

- All right.

Rock and roll!

See you later, Officer Karen, mate!

Bye! Bye-bye! - See ya, Bobby.

Inch around the door there.

(door shuts)

- [NARRATOR] Traffic police may not wear armor,

but from day to night

and land to harbor,

these knights of the road

keep the road safe at night.

- So we were on our route,

and we noticed a suspicious looking car

in what we would describe

a dodgy part of town.

So we had to approach it, uh,

just to see what was happening.

(techno music)

- [MCKIRDY] Guy in there sleeping, Surjit.

Slippers. - [SALESMAN] That's it.

- [MCKIRDY] You got jammies on, mate.?

- That's it, aye.

- It look as if he was using this car as,

as a place to dwell.

Somewhere to, where, where he was living.

- So I get the football in there.

- Aye, yeah.

- That's where I run everything from.

I mean, fresh flowers. - [MCKIRDY] Yeah.

- [SALESMAN] Kinda give a homey touch here, I mean.

- Your house is cooler than mine. (laughs)

- Thank you, (indistinct).

I'm a traveling salesman,

and this is how I can,

I save my money. - [MCKIRDY] Okay.

- Um, so yeah, I mean,

it's working out for me.

And by living like this,

I can transfer the savings straight

onto the customer, see what I mean?

- When he did go to his car boot way,

we found he was...

- [SINGH] Well, he was selling items

out the back of his car.

But he was a salesman.

- This? (box pats)

Next big thing, gentlemen.

Right?

You're both hardworking men, yes?

- [SINGH] Yes. - [MCKIRDY] Very hard.

- So you'll know what it's like

to get to end of the day

and you kind of winding.

- Bussed. - Bussed.

Haggard.

Right, this here is a slim line neck de-stressor.

- Interesting, interesting.

(massager beeps)

- [SALESMAN] Perfect, now.

(massager hums) - Ooh!

- [SALESMAN] That hit you?

- Oh, aye, God, yes.

- [SALESMAN] That hit?

- Jesus!

- These things cost the public pounds.

You can have one of them, big man,

end of day for just pound.

See, do you know what I mean? - Sold.

(salesman stutters) Keep a pound of change.

- [SALESMAN] There you are, fantastic.

- [MCKIRDY] All right, put the (indistinct).

- We don't have an issue with what you do, okay?

You're a businessman,

you wanna sell things, that's fine.

Completely understand that,

but it's not acceptable for you

to be in a car, okay?

Get yourself a nice office,

or at least a caravan, okay? - Yeah, that's gonna happen.

That's gonna happen,

that's, that's going be

the big dream, mate, okay?

Living like this?

I can't see it maybe, (indistinct),

living like this for maybe the next five year,

six year, maybe.

And then a bigger.

Just wait 'til you see the sizes

I'm gonna get (indistinct).

This can move your dinner.

- [SINGH] All right, watch your legs.

- (indistinct) relaxing on, big man, eh?

- All right, well.

- That's it. - [SINGH] Thank you.

Be careful, okay?

- I know, I know you've,

aye, great movement.

(traffic rumbles)

Neck massager was absolutely brilliant,

and I have a very big chin,

I have a very big neck area.

That managed to cover the whole of that area.

Uh, I felt relaxed, I felt calmed down.

I, you know, I felt really laid back.

- And he's gone.

Time for coffee.

(inspirational music)

- In the Scottish Police Force,

we are using weapon and handguns

a lot more these days.

In my day, of course, we didn't have handguns,

but that was at a more violent time, um.

We had lights out, fists in.

It was put the wellie in,

get amongst them batten charges, you know,

teaching your horses to kick him in the face.

Anyway, we're about to take a new

consignment of weaponry,

and I thought it would be expedient of me to,

to give it a go,

to have a wee shotty, you know?

To try before you buy.

- [RANGEMASTER] I'll bet you are.

- [MIEKELSON] Ah, yeah, give you a lesson.

As you were, don't stand in ceremony.

Carry on.

- [RANGEMASTER] That's c*ck and ready to go, sir.

- Okay.

- Finger off the trigger until you're ready to fire.

- [MIEKELSON] Thank you. (distant g*nshots ring)

Okay.

(g*n fires)

(g*n clicks)

Took its head off, huh?

- [RANGEMASTER] Um...

- Could it be the target's just too near?

(g*n fires rapidly)

Missed the target completely!

(g*n fires)

Just run and get me

as many more magazines as you've got here, okay?

(g*n clicks) (g*n fires)

- Sir. - What?

- The range closes in minutes.

- Well, just keep 'em coming!

Gonna take this b*stard down if it kills me.

(g*n fires)

Very enjoyable day,

and I learned a lot, too!

And look!

Eh?

That's gonna hurt his golf handicap.

I may have missed the Studson meeting,

but I can get Jane to rearrange.

Uh, no, no, it's been worthwhile.

Time well spent.

(funky techno music)

(electric guitar twangs)

(rapid drums beat)

(siren wails)

(music echoes)