01x05 - Ollie Ollie In-Come Free!

[bunniefuu]

While all of London slept,
the horrid cat-mummy

was busy ransacking
an apartment.

"Ooh, I am cat-mummy.

"I'm tearing open cupboards.

"I'm cracking open safes.

"I'm digging through the
freezer. Crash, bang, roar!"

Until the plucky
hero of our story,

Ricky Gervais,

comedian, actor, writer, producer,
director, singer, philanthropist,

and, uh, obviously,
highly-skilled puppeteer

got out of bed and
confronted the mummy.

"Can I help you? Do you mind not
going through all my stuff? Cheers."

And whoosh. Bob's your
uncle. Mummy was gone.

Thank you. Thank you.

Ah. I'll be here all week.

Well, 'cause I live here.

That was amazing.
I love puppets.

I do, too, Scooby-Doo.

Oh, and so does my lovely cat,
Ollie. Look at my beautiful cat.

She can't get enough.

Can you, girl?

Ow.

Well, I have to say, getting
our own private puppet show...

From comedy legend
Ricky Gervais...

is certainly something,
but what does it mean?

Yeah. Like, dude, was
it supposed to be funny?

- I don't think it was funny.
- Ugh.

Cheers, Shaggy. Yeah, but it
wasn't meant to be funny, okay?

It's a cry for help.

Most comedy is, Mr. Gervais.

Yeah, no, okay. Listen.
Maybe I wasn't clear...

You lovely, kooky, but
slightly dense teenagers.

I asked you here
'cause I need your help.

There was a mummy in my
apartment, tearing up the place.

An actual mummy.

Oh, why didn't you say so?

-I did say so.
-Then, why the puppet show?

What's life
without a little art?

What's with all the moaning?

Like, dude, it wasn't us.

♪ Scooby-Dooby-Doo
and Guess Who?

♪ We know you're
one in a million

♪ Scooby-Doo

♪ We can count
on you, Scooby-Doo

♪ To catch and
unmask that villain ♪

Hold the phone,
it's Ricky Gervais.

Give me my statue.

Like, where'd that thing go?

Oh!

Huh?

Cat-mummy!

Sorry. Occupado. Keep
moving, you two. Go on.

No way, dude. Like, there's
plenty of room in there.

Oh, you're getting drool
on me, you hairy mutt.

Sorry. No, I meant
Shaggy. Stop it.

-Ugh!
-Anybody else feel a draft?

Scooby, your backside
is giving us away.

- Back off, mummy! - Huh?

Oi, Velma, I was saving
that for my next birthday.

-Huh? -You know, it's a joke.

Fire extinguisher,
birthday cake.

I'm getting older.

Lots of candles,
that... Ugh, Scooby,

you're a good boy,
but you're thick.

Oh, I can get you a
toothbrush, free of charge.

Oh, poor Ollie.

Listen. I think I know
what the mummy's after.

It's one of Ollie's toys.

Wait. That's an
ancient Egyptian statue.

It must be worth
thousands of dollars.

Pounds, actually.

What can I say? Ollie's
a bit of a spoiled little girl.

Ain't ya?

Why does the mummy
want this statue?

There doesn't seem to
be anything unique about it.

Hmm. The cat-headed mummy

resembles the ancient
Egyptian goddess Bast.

Bast? Who's that?

Ah, I thought you
might ask that, Scooby.

So, I took the liberty of
creating some visual A*DS.

Bast was the daughter
of Ra, the sun God.

She was the ancient Egyptian
goddess of protection and cats.

Kept you safe, and
purred a lot, apparently.

Oh, oh, oh.

And, like, maybe the statue
once belonged to Bast.

Yeah. Very good, Shaggy.

Well, g*ng, it looks like we
have a real mystery on our hands.

What do you... Of
course it's a real mystery.

You just saw... There's
a cat-headed mummy

trashing my apartment.

And now, look,
you've upset Ollie. Oh.

Don't worry, fango. Daddy's
gonna do your favorite dance.

We've all got our own thing.

I mean, you wear a cravat, Fred.

Oh, no! We've got to find Ollie.

Oh, poor Ollie. I
hope she's okay.

Here.

This is where I bought
Ollie's Egyptian statue.

Aw.

Come here, Ollie.

Aw, good girl. Good girl.

This is my jar, cat. Lay off!

Don't talk to my Ollie
like that. You lay off.

Did... Did she just hiss at me?

Did you just hiss at me?

- Yeah. - Uh, Mr. Gervais,

maybe you should
leave that old lady alone.

- I'm scared.
- And look, you're scaring Ollie.

Oh, sorry, Ollie.
Is that scarin' ya?

I didn't mean to
upset you. I'll...

Let me make it
up to you, all right?

♪ A man and his cat

♪ They know where it's at

♪ A purr-fect feline

♪ Will get you every time ♪

And take it, Ollie!

Weirdo.

I'm not the one hugging
a jar full of sand, am I?

It's not sand. It's
ancient Egyptian catnip.

My father found it years
ago in the tomb of King Tut.

He was an archaeologist
for the British Museum.

Hmm. I know that smell.

Hello. You gots to pay for that.

It's mine!

I should never have let it go.

I want to buy it back.

- Strange old woman.
- Jar full of ancient catnip?

Can you say suspicious?

Can I say "suspic..." Yeah,
of course I can. Suspicious.

Oh. I see, you're doing a, "Oh,
it's one of your mystery things..."

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I get it. Sorry, sorry.

Go ahead. As you
were, go on. And?

Give us the money, then. Pay up.

Weirdo.

Oh, Mr. Gervais, how
wonderful to see you again.

Oh, dear. Did you
come to return that?

I'm so sorry, sir. I
don't take returns.

Well, not normally,

but, obviously, I could
never say no to you.

Yeah. It's my charm,
ain't it? You know.

Or my pheromones or something.

Basically, people love me.

But, anyway, no. Sorry, mate.
I can't sell you the statue back.

-It's Ollie's favorite. -Ah.

How cute.

But I must apologize.

I didn't make full
disclosure on that statue.

It is said to be cursed.

That would explain the mummy.

- Mummy? What mummy? - Nothing.

Truth be told, I need your help.

I don't trust that young man.

The none-too-bright act of his

might be just that, an act.

I fear he's some
kind of devious,

criminal mastermind.

No one's that stupid.

He's trying to throw
us off the scent.

Devious, criminal
mastermind says, "What?"

Hello.

Devious, criminal
mastermind says, "Hello."

What?

Tasty.

It's good.

Right. I don't
know about you lot,

but I can actually
feel the IQ levels

dropping off a
cliff around here.

Yes. There's something else.

Follow me.

I found this old door.

- Like, man, I hate creepy old doors.
- Me, too.

My assistant
spends a lot of time

skulking around back here.

So, I did a little digging.

This doorway leads to an
abandoned wing of the British Museum.

Apparently, this building used to be
a house for the museum's docents.

I'm thinking this must have
been a way for them to get to work.

The British Museum?

Home to one of
the largest collection

- of Egyptian antiquities?
- Let's check it out.

I better put Ollie
in her cat-carrier.

- Huh? - There you go, Ollie.

Aww.

All your toys, in there too.

So small.

No, it's all right, Scooby.
Plenty of room in there for her.

Storage space, clothes, closet.

It's even got a little
food dispenser there.

Personal Jacuzzi.

And her own flushable
toilet, had it made especially.

Ooh, nice.

Wow. The British
Museum after hours?

It's like a dream come true.

Like, zoinks, V, it's
more like a nightmare.

All of you have your own
little catchphrases, don't you?

Like, Daphne's got, "Jeepers."

Velma has, "Jinkies."

Shaggy, "Zoinks."

All right. Even Fred
says, "Hold the phone."

And?

I mean, well, my point is

you just say your
name. You just go,

"Scooby-dooby-doo."

I mean, you say
it in a funny way,

but it's just your name,
it's not a catchphrase.

Do you know what I mean?

I don't get it.

You need a catchphrase.

Do you know what I mean?

You know, like, uh...

Um, like, "What's up, Doc?"

You can't use that
'cause it's someone else's.

But you could use, you
know... why don't you use...

Um, "What's up,
Vet?" You got a vet...

I assume. You know,
like, "Hey, what's up, Vet?"

I don't know,
just think about it.

Oh. I don't get it.

Come up with something
better than if you're so smart.

Just stop saying your name.

It's ridic... It's a name.

Ricky Gervais! Ricky Gervais!

It's mental.

Mr. Antique dealer,
are you okay?

I, uh, I don't think
I'm alone down here.

Oh! What was that?

Oh. The mummy, I think
it's down here with me.

No. No, stay back!

Where'd he go?

Statue.

Statue.

Well, Ollie, that's another fine
mess you've gotten me into.

Not the face. Not the face.

Mmm?

Hmm?

Achoo!

Huh?

Whoa!

Hmm. Hmm.

We're gonna have, like,


Yeah.

It sounds like someone's
trapped in there.

Or something.

Just a quick FYI.
I'm not sure I approve

of opening strange
sarcophagi. You know, curses.

I mean, not without a
note from its mummy.

- See what I did
there? They love it.

Oh, no.

Oh, thank goodness.
It's just that creepy,

- weird, old lady. - Weirdo.

I know this tape.

Oh, me too.

That's it. It's a type of
acid-free packing tape.

Of course.

Looks like this mystery is
really starting to come together.

Velma, you can't just say that

and keep it a
secret, right, g*ng?

I mean, just... I'm just saying

if she understands the
mystery, she should just say

who the bad guy is, just blurt
it out, and we can all go home.

So, come on, who did it?

Mr. G, that's not really
how we do things.

- Uh-uh.
- But all will be revealed.

Because right now,
it's trapping time.

Fine. Have it your way.

Wait.

I know how we can
hoist this cat-mummy

by its own petard.

- Huh? - Uh, in English?

We'll use this ancient catnip

to nip the ancient cat-mummy
right in the old catnip-napper.

Uh, again, in English?

Go and hold your phone somewhere
else, Fred. I've got this, all right?

Yeah, Fred, let's
do Ricky's trap.

Well, maybe Ricky
should drive the van, too.

Yeah!

This is never gonna work.

The apex of the fulcrum
is off like 30 degrees.

Huh?

Huh?

I told ya. You should
have let me do the ropes.

I know, Fred. It's just
so hard for me to listen

to a young guy
who wears a cravat.

I'm just being honest.
It's, you know...

Never mind that.
We have to fix this.

And fast. Before the
mummy gets away.

You've got to get the mummy
on to the spot in the middle.

Get him back to the middle.

On it, Ricky.

The statue!

Like, go, Ricky. Run!

Come on, mummy. Come on.

Now, Daphne!

Oh, it's funny, is it?

Oh, you think it's
all fine, don't ya?

Statue.

Statue.

Ugh. You still need
that toothbrush, mate,

I'm serious. Oh.

Yeah. Looks like the
cat's out of the bag.

And by cats, I mean
cats. Lots of cats.

All the cats, yeah.

Time to wrap up this mystery.

Or should I say unwrap it?

Come here, Ollie. Come to Daddy.

Now, Shaggy. Now, Scooby-Doo.

Now, let's see who this
mummy of Bast really is.

The antique dealer?

-What? -Why?

It's really quite simple.

He's not actually
an antique dealer.

He's a world-renowned
jewel-thief.

The antique store
was just a cover,

and a way for him to access
the British Museum unseen.

Glasses McGee here has it right.

I've been on a stealing
frenzy in this place.

Then, I managed to
steal the prize of all prizes,

the ruby of the Nile.

The greatest gem in the museum.

I spirited it out of the museum.

But once back in my shop,

I hid it in an old cat statue.

There it would stay,

until I could safely ship
it to my buyer overseas.

But, when my truly
dim-witted assistant

sold the statue to Mr. Gervais,

well, I had to get it back.

That's when I invented
the Bast mummy costume,

as a way to hide my
identity and steal the statue.

I used that old
woman's ancient catnip

to get you and the cat
out of the apartment

so I could steal it back.

Weirdo.

-Sorry, are you not gonna...
-What?

You're not gonna say,
you'd have gotten away with it

if it wasn't for
you meddling kids.

No, well, I mean,
I can. If you...

- I think you should.
- All right.

And I would've gotten
away with it, too,

if it weren't for
you meddling kids.

Yeah. Good. And me.

Mention... I think you should
mention me in this particular episode.

I mean, I've been...

I've done a lot more than most,

sort of, guest stars.

You know, say... Say
comedy legend, Ricky Gervais.

And comedy legend,
Ricky Gervais.

-And Ollie. -And his cat.

Well, g*ng,

we didn't just
solve this mystery,

we solved the heck
out of this mystery.

It was quite an adventure.

Right, Mr. Gervais?

Mr. Gervais?

Sorry. I wasn't listening.

I just rubbed that
ancient Egyptian catnip

all over meself,
and look, I can't...

Oh, I love cats. Yes, I do.

Do you know what Dickens said?

"What greater gift
than the love of a cat."

And they love me.

Now, do you know
what else Dickens said?

"Well, get out and leave
me alone. Scram. Bye."

You're just silly.

I don't think Dickens
ever said any of that.

Doesn't matter.
Just go now, though.

We've had... We've
had a good time.

Let's not spoil it.

Let's not outstay our welcome.

This has been long enough.
Thank you. Lovely to meet you.

All right, bye. Bye.
See you soon. Not soon.

Not soon. Probably
never, but do write.

Or not. Doesn't matter.

Don't, don't call.
Bye. Thank you.

Phew. Oh.

♪ Rick-dooby-doo and Ollie too ♪

It was quite fun, wasn't it?

He stole my line.

That's my line. That
Scooby-dooby-doo.

Whatever.