01x11 - Food, Glorious Food

[bunniefuu]

every time I look at

you I'm so glad that you're the

one I've been growing closer

to as the years of come and

gone sharing for good o

ill hardly a day

aart old her outside but still young at

[Music]

heart

H oh

sorry shop hey come on John get your

finger out

I'll big your part oh I'm sorry Alice

I'm not used to seeing you behind the

bar what's happened to AR John is he

sick no he's white washing the gents

it's a

disgrace it's funny what people write on

laboratory walls isn't it Down Right

pornographic if you ask me what do you

want well the usual what is your usual

affab bitter all

right you're looking well oh when I been

on holiday to maer oh yes I remember you

sent us a card

forgot to put a stamp on

it did you have a nice time Champion

gracias that's um that's Spanish for

thank you get away see see that's

Spanish for for yes 30p that's English

for pay

off

Albert welcome back he gra that's funny

thank you you picked up a bit of the

lingo did you yeah poker that's Spanish

for a little what Spanish for shut

up never mind I'll put the kettle

on right thank goodness she's gone

what's the pub grub oh it's very nice

I'm a bit packaged today we've got

shepherd's pie baked beans pork sausages

or cheese and pickles oh sounds good um

um I'll have sheers pie right

and um then I'll have a dollar for baked

beans two pork sausages and cheese and

pickles for

up you're not pregnant are

you no no no no no I told you I'm just a

bit peckish that's all what you having a

lunch here big enough at two it's not me

lunch it's me breakfast see Ethel thinks

we put on too much weight with all that

greasy Spanish food we've been eating so

she she's cut out breakfast says we both

got to lose a Stone the time you get

through this lot you'll put on a stone

what's s going to say then

nothing what the eye doesn't

see the heart doesn't

gathe I do love a Claire's so do

I how many is that we've had three each

but who's

counting oh

delicioso that's Spanish for delicious

fany you enjoyed your holiday then oh

yes but mind you the Spaniards don't do

things the way we do how do you mean

well they eat funny things do you know

they eat

octopus they do oh I

say still it's nice to try different

things and see different places I prefer

to spend me all a DIY home wouldn't you

like to go abroad I've been I went last

year with my sister didn't you like it

that was terrible where did you go and I

Island Paradise set in the silver sea

that's what the brocher was said well it

sounded lovely where was this island

paradise malter Cypress or the Bahamas

the Alam

man anyway all it is not the same

without a man around no that's true how

long is it since your SLE two years God

dressed

yourself I'm thinking of getting married

again really I'm so living me have you

got anybody in mind not

yet I quite fancy the

Milkman well I wouldn't rush into

anything Lizzy if it's company you want

why don't you get a dog it

dog they're easier to house train yeah

well why didn't you get a dog instead of

marrying your Albert you had a warmer

nose

[Laughter]

you've

been you've been married some time

haven't you over 40 years what you know

when we were cting my mother didn't like

him very much she tried to put me off

him she said a man is like an Ana seed

ball when you've tasted one you've

tasted them

all didn't work did it well it might

have except for one thing what was that

I was mad about an a seed ball

do you fancy a Sherry oh I wouldn't say

no we brought some back from M jorer

we're supposed to be saving it for a

special occasion no I wouldn't want to

upset Albert he won't be upset won't he

no I won't tell

him just get the

glasses H talk oh you're back early well

it's 12:00 it's never

hello what's the Shelly glasses for oh

uh you you remember Lizzy howth oh

skinny Lizzy

howbert well it's true isn't it I mean

she's she's as thin as a rake I've seen

more meat on the

chicken will you keep your voice down

what for anybody thinks she was in the

front oh hello Lizzie I I I I I I didn't

know you were here so I heard he didn't

mean it Lizzie I mean I mean it's just

his way of talking you should hear what

he says to me

sometimes you're not leaving are you yes

I am I don't want to miss the

Milkman Big M well I mean how was I to

know I

I

hello what's

this what's what somebody's been eating

cakes cakes

cream cakes oh well it was Lizzie she at

them

all

e well perhaps I had a nibble at one

just to keep her

company how many well perhaps it was

two all right it was

three well I don't know here you are

going out about us losing weight and you

are stuffing cream cakes Well Albert I

can't help you to

hello

yes oh I

see oh did

he

right yes thank you for ringing yes

goodbye well well

well well well what that was Alice from

The Rifleman she said you left your pipe

behind

oh yes yes yes so have she also said she

hoped you enjoyed your shepherd's

pie yes well it was just just just a

taste I'm not duffed oh at I was I was

hungry we're both as bad as each other a

we'll have to do something how about

doing

lunch lunch after shepherd's pie but

that was

breakfast we've got to watch our waight

Albert we're at a dangerous age if we're

not careful we'll both be as fat as pigs

I know why don't we take up jogging no

we could both both both jog around the

park oh don't be duffed we' never get

beyond the End of the

Street no I've got a better idea oh what

is it we'll go on a diet a diet yes

there's a good one in that paper here

let me see

um here it is

uh the rapid way to reduce you have half

a grapefruit in the morning half a

grapefruit at lunchtime and a whole one

at

night oh well that uh that that sounds

all right um do we have them before

meals or

after instead

of instead of oh what the use you never

stick to it you've got no Willow Albert

oh yes I have I've got just as much

willpower as you I don't think you could

give up your food you too you love your

belly too much I could if I wanted to

I'll bet your a week's pension you

couldn't right you're on you'll never do

it oh yes I will just grapefruit nothing

else right no beer black tea without

sugar doesn't worry me you've lost your

bet we'll see about

that of course um we'll have to have a a

time limit uh what should we say um a

day a

day two days

no three days try again well how long

are we giving up food for till one of us

gives in

[Music]

[Applause]

there you are Mrs Kia one dozen

grapefruit t on the dive then are you oh

did you know I get the same paper Albert

and I have got a bet on as to who can

last the longest May the best man win oh

don't worry in this case it'll be the

best woman you can't be too sure oh yes

I can he may be all right now having

stuffed himself at the pub but if I know

Albert by tonight he'll be desperate it

won't take much for me to tempt him to

break his fast

[Music]

[Laughter]

have you

finished you'll not get much more out of

that oh yes I will now what are you

going to

do eat the

peel you're not supposed to do that

doesn't say anything about it in the

paper a whole grapefruit is shed is

it and that includes a peel

that's horrible drink your

tea as but there's no sugar no milk well

you could have had

sacarin but why didn't you tell me if

we'd had

any well thanks a lot it's good this

diet isn't it yes yes it's um it's

wonderful you're not weakening are you

Albert no no I'm not pity you sure

you're not hungry

[Laughter]

no what was

that to me stomach just little touch of

the

flatulence oh we'd be a lot healthier

you know without all those big meals yes

egg and bacon fish and

chips roast beef and Yorkshire

pudding what did you say Albert

nothing I wonder what I should do with

that lovely vinam pie that's in the

fridge Echo will you stop talking about

food is it upsetting you you're doing it

deliberately as if I

would now don't come the old innocent

because it won't work for me so you can

just shut

up and that goes to you too

[Applause]

[Applause]

I I I I was just looking at it have a

bite if you

want you'd like me to wouldn't you yes

yes you can't wait to get your hands on

our pension can you no no go on have a

bite it's lovely and juicy who do you

think you are

Eve just a minute what's the matter

there's an apple

missing don't look at me well there's

only you and me here and I haven't had

it I know exactly how many apples were

in there and there's

one stand

up don't argue stand

up what's that in your

pocket nothing the other one

oh oh that's an apple fancy that yes I

wonder how it got there I wonder well

perhaps it just you know fell off by

accident and fell in my pocket you must

think I was born yesterday yes Ethel

look um you think we could go and watch

some TV or something you know you know

just take our minds off food for a bit

[Music]

[Applause]

well I'm not watching

[Applause]

that to save die SM but the choice is up

to you would you believe it try BBC to

it's a film Dutch eam France has broken

the pieace and the the emperor in

his it's a flaming

conspiracy

well what have we going to do now well I

think I'll go upstairs and have a b yes

oh well I think um I think I'll go out

for a walk where too oh no where

especially no just for a spot of fresh

air if you're thinking of sneaking off

to the Chip Shop they're closed are they

oh

no no I mean I'm I'm not going to I'm

not sneaking around anywhere see that

you don't uhhuh

[Music]

[Laughter]

[Music]

[Applause]

I I I I I I thought you'd gone upstairs

to have a bath I thought you'd gone out

yes well I I I I was just off what were

you doing in the fridge I wasn't in the

fridge well the door was open yes that's

right it was I was just um I was just

checking to see if the light was on oh

yes yes well I'll I'll see you later eh

it looks very tempting and I am

hungry cut off a

slice go on go on have a

bite no once I started I wouldn't be

able to stop I'd ate the lot

[Laughter]

[Music]

evening Albert you call back for your

pip never mind about that give us a pine

quick you got a thirst on have you I'm

desperate any of that shepherd's pie

left no we've had to run on that today I

tell you what I got a couple of cold

pork sausages they do okay hang

on there you are all right oh no you

don't

what happening I've had your Ethel on

the phone I've got strict instructions

to see you do not eat behind her back

they're both on a diet well I I I I

wasn't going to eat it what were you

thinking of doing with it haven't it

framed no no no no no no John was going

to eat it weren't you John was I yeah

yes oh yes I was oh well I suggest you

do eat

it yes Lord

I'll put this away to see you don't get

tempted oh you're not thinking of

drinking that beer are

you well he wasn't going to shampoo his

hair with it he's not allowed any

alcohol he can't not have a drink sod of

water I can't have so gives me the

wind all right well I'll tell you what

I'll do seeing as it's you yes wouldn't

do it for anyone else mind but you've

been a good customer and I know John

wouldn't want to lose you no I wouldn't

can never be back then no but I'll make

you a nice cup of black

[Laughter]

tea you're

back yes enjoy your walk very

refreshing enjoy your bath very relaxing

yes

well I think I'll go to bed presently

bed it's only halfast

7 well there there's not to stay up for

you're weakening aren't you Albert no

I'm not I wish he would I'm

star I'll

go I brought you an apple pie

[Laughter]

what's the matter well it's it's it's

Albert he's in bed he's got a cold well

it seemed all right earlier on yes it

came on very sudden oh well as I said

I've been doing some bacon and I thought

you'd like an apple pie it's still warm

oh thank you I'll see you tomorrow yes

good

night e

who was that at the door um the the the

window

cleaner what a a dis ey well he lost his

shammy and he thought he might have left

it

here oh and uh and hadie

no that's funny what is I so was like

cooking yeah smells like apple pie oh

it's your imagination Al butt your

mind's playing tricks on you because

you're so

hungry e eel why don't you go and sit

down there and I'll make you a nice cup

of tea oh no I'll make you no no no go

on dear you sit down you must feel very

weak without any food at all that's

right chicken and chips from the take

away I see you right

[Laughter]

[Applause]

just one the

kettle I thought I heard someone at the

door uh yes yes that's right thought it

was the the window cleaner

de he he came to tell me that he he'd

found his

shammy what what's up I can smell chips

no no you're imagining things dear no no

it's just like you said it's just just

because you're hungry huh now you go in

there and and then sit down and enjoy

your

[Laughter]

tea oh your

rope I brought you some curetted

oil well uh what what for your chest

thank you very much Lizzy it's very kind

of you good night I'll see you tomorrow

hey hey hang on a minute what's all this

about my chest I said you had a cold

when I brought the apple

pie apple

pie well I'd better be going oh I nearly

forgot John gave me this for you he said

he meant to give it to you when he

brought the chicken and chips

[Laughter]

chicken and

chips well I'd best be off

byebye you crafty old thing well you've

got no room to talk you were trying to

get rid of me so you could stuff

yourself with chicken and chips what

about your apple pie well I wasn't going

to eat it but she'd made it for me and I

didn't like to hurt her feelings by

refusing it I I I was going to throw it

away oh right right well throw it away

only if you throw away your chicken and

chips right excuse

me those chips smell

good so does that apple

pie are you thinking what I'm

thinking I hope

so get some

plates every time

look

you I'm so glad that you're the

one I've been growing closer

to as the years have come and

gone sharing for good

o i the day

[Applause]

of still

oh

[Applause]