01x07 - September 23, 1998

[bunniefuu]

Good evening, and welcome to Whose Line

Is It Anyway?Tonight's performers,

whatever you do, don't step in 'em, Greg

Proops. If you're a lady, you gotta love

Wayne Brady. Science experiment gone

wrong, Kala Mokri, and his fetus creator,

Ryan Style. Andre Hurst, Mr. Gary,

come on down, let's have some fun.

Hello and welcome to Whose Line Is It

Anyway, the show where everything's

made-up and the points don't matter. If

you've never seen the show before, what

happens is these guys are going to come

down and they're going to come down on

stage and they're going to totally

improvise everything you're going to see

tonight. It's all made-up right on the

spot. And they go by suggestions that

we've have that they've never seen before

and also audience suggestions. And then I

give them points for no reason, because

at the end of the show, I just pick the

guy I like best and they

get to do something with me.

You ready to do the first game, see how

it goes?Okay.

We are gonna start with a game called The

Daytime Talk Show. This is for all four

of you. Greg, you're gonna host a daytime

talk show. Colin and Ryan, you're gonna

be the members of the public appearing on

the show. Wayne, you're a guy in the

audience who asks questions. The subject

is not the normal one. We're gonna deal

with a fairy tale or a nursery rhyme.

Fairy tale or nursery...

Hansel and Gretel. That's a good one. We

have done that before. Hansel and Gretel,

and whenever you're ready. Good

afternoon, everyone. I'm Poop Doggy Dog.

Hansel and Gretel, they were two small

children who looked for a house made of

candy, and then a world of hurt happened.

Sir, will you introduce yourself and your

relationship to H&G?I'm Jimmy Buffalo,

and I own Jimmy Buffalo's Chocolate

Factory. Mm-hmmNice to have you here, Mr.

Buffalo, and you, sir, are?I'm a witch.

I'm tired of the bad press we're getting.

You think that witches get bad press?Are

you kidding?This Hansel and Grill service

spraying this story that I made this

gingerbread house, they ate it, and then

I tried to eat them?You don't think

that's bad press?I did all the

work on her house, and I have yet to be

paid for it. What type of work did you

do?Was there extra candy to put on

outside?I installed the thick chocolate

doors and took care of the soft toffee

filling. So do you think it's

bad to lure children to your house and

then try to eat them?Look, I wasn't

luring the children to my house. I just

wanted a nice, edible house in case I had

guests over. It's a very nice-- you shut

up! I put double candy cane locks on the

insides of all those doors. He was

obviously intent-- or she, whatever you

claim to be. Yeah, thank you. I am a

woman! I can't believe it! Wow.

Let me have someone who would like to say

something. Yes, you in the audience

there. I can just make you out from here.

Yeah, um, I'm another rider running next

door to the witch, because, see, the

thing is, when you build that house, too

much sugar. You shouldn't even make me in

the house, it's toxic. Because I go over

there, and all of a sudden, I lick the

door, and Ben, look at me. I'm running

like this. That sucks. You shouldn't be

on the house like that. That's crazy.

Look at me.

Ohh

Wow. How do you respond to that?I mean,

there's a guy totally getting jiggy on

the sugar, and there you

are with a house full of candy. Look,

look, look I have built a nice

house. Is it my fault little chunky

German children come out and start

nibbling?Do I go over to a housemate of

wood and start chewing on the sides?No,

because I know better. You don't eat an

abode. We have someone else in the

audience. Yes, he's sitting right next to

the other person. Yes. I'm from the Child

Welfare Board. You do not entrap

children and bite their toes off. That's

wrong. That's wrong. I'm a mother of 15,

but look at me, though, right?Let me tell

you something. You don't do that. I'm a

person to come down there and kick you.

All of your... You want somebody to kick

you right now?Hold on, hold

on. Come on now,

please.

That's all the time we have for today. I

think we've learned a lot. Tune in

tomorrow for Beauty and the Beast, Half

Men, Half Beast, and the Women Who Love

Them.

That was great. 100 points each to

Hansel and Gretel, wherever you are.

The next game is called Song Styles. This

is for Wayne. It's going to be assisted

by Laura Hall on the piano, Laura Hall.

Wayne is going to make up a song about a

woman in the audience. Let's see any

women in the audience that look like a

song. Ain't not to bothering any woman at

all. Let me see if I can pick one. What's

your name?May. May. And what do you do

for a living, May?Baker. You're a baker.

Come on down here.

Nice buns, May. Go ahead.

May's got some nice bonds with Baker.

Okay, go ahead.

Okay, so, Wayne, you're gonna sing a song

about May, who works as a baker, and

you'll be singing in the style of a love

song from a movie soundtrack.

I love you, May

That's what I said. Take

this as my heart, a piece of

unleavened bread.

Oh, me. People say

I love you, but why don't

you make me a big love

donut?Oh,

me. They say we don't go

well together,

but like bagels and lobs, we'll be

together forever.

It's no wonder that

you and I are together day after

day. When you're there and you're playing

with that dough I look at your gray

hair and inside my heart I love you so

ohh Baby, baby,

why don't you feel my heartbeat?You've

got a little chocolate outside And in the

middle is wings

Oh, me, oh me Give me your

loving I know it's

too darn hot in your

oven Oh, me, oh me

Hold me tight tonight

Everybody be quiet Because the altitude

for baking bread is right Oh,

me, oh me

My love souffle

ohh That was great. Thank

you, Mae. Thank you,

Mae. Oh, man.



him tapping his toes and swimming back

and forth. That was great. Good Good job,

Greg. Next game is called

Moving People. And in this game, Colin

and Ryan are gonna come up here and

improvise the scene, but they can't move

unless somebody moves them. Let's go in

the audience and pick out a couple

volunteers. Hey, how you doing?What's

your name?Kate. Come on down here. Kate.

And who else can we pick?What's your name?

Thank you.

Let's have a big round of applause for

two lovely volunteers. Okay, now

pretend they're mannequins. Pretend

they're mannequins and they can't move

unless you put, so put them in some kind

of position right now. And he'll position

all, they're mannequins. They can't move

unless you move them. So go ahead and

feel free. Remember, we're on a

Disney-owned channel.

All right, yeah, that's a good one.

That's, that's.. Okay, that's good to

start with, right there. Right there,

yeah. Disney-owned Channel. Okay. Now,

all through the scene, they can't move

unless you move them, so feel free to

move them as much as you want. Uh, Colin,

you're a motorcycle cop stopping Ryan,

who's a suspicious-looking biker.

So go ahead whenever you're ready.

Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. Hey, you!

Stop! I'm pointing at you! I see you!

Just stay there. I'm getting off my

motorcycle. It's actually a moped.

Let me just... I saw that. It's only this

big. I should have put on the bike stand.

I'm sorry, officer. Was I doing something

wrong?Just take a while. Here we go.

I'm sorry. I have an inner ear problem. I

bet you're thinking I'm a little bit

drunk. But I'm not. I'm...

I'm just very

happy. Freeze!Show me your

license. All right. I'm gonna come a

little closer so I can read it.

Here it is, sir. All right,

uh.. Do you want it or not?Oh, I'm just

trying to figure out what to do with my

g*n. Oh, no, all right. Ha! I'll knock

that g*n out of your hand! Hey, I

just dropped your license. All right,

well, I'm not a good... Ow! Stop! Stop

Ow! You're k*lling my hand. That's the

most force I'm allowed to use at this

point. That's your first warning. Get off

your bicycle. All right, I will. Take

your time. I am.

It's a very small bike like yours.

All right, I want you to walk along this

white line that I'm gonna draw. All

righty, that sounds like no problem

whatsoever. I'll just...

Okay, wait.

All right, to there. All righty. I'll

just stay here just to make sure your

legs are moving in a regular fashion.

Am I allowed to look down?Sure.

'Cause it's awful hard this way.

All right, that's good enough. Stop. I

pass. Don't make me do the fingers to the

nose thing, 'cause I know that by heart.

Do it! Fingers to nose. Fingers to nose.

Fingers to nose. Okay, wait till I stand

up. Here,

let me help you. Here, let me help you.

Thanks.

Please, I'm on duty. Shh. Don't talk.

Let's just share the moment.

Oh, you're a sergeant.

All right, your heartbeat is irregular.

Everything about me is irregular.

Hold me.

Tighter.

Thank you very much. Look my way, look

right back before Who's On is an Anyway.

Hey, welcome back to Whose Line Is It

Anyway, the show where everything is

made-up, and the points don't matter.

Uh, I was... don't know how many points

award for the last game, which is a

shame, 'cause it's my job.

Now we're going to a game called Props.

Uh, I'm gonna divide everybody into two

teams. Uh, Colin and Greg, come get your

props. And, uh,

Ryan and Wayne, here's your props.

There you go. And they're gonna go back

and forth, think of as many interesting

things to do with their props as they

can. I'll buzz them in between. Ohh Colin

and Greg, why don't you start?

So, did we elect the new pope yet?No.

Danger. Danger, Will Robinson. Danger.

The saber-toothed tiger was one

of the most vicious of all the

prehistoric carnivores.

What is North Dakota?

How do we solve a problem like Maria?All

right, dude, I gotcha. I gotcha go. Go,

go, come on! Come on You better lift that

drone! Lift that! Lift it now! Yeah! Yeah

Yeah YeahCome on! Come

on It's a little bigger nipple ring than

I expected. Yeah. I

think we better get out of here before we

find the animal that left that.

Oh, no, I'm getting picked.

Yeah, ever since I saw Boogie Nights, you

know, and...

Snow White, Snow White, there's been a

landslide!

If I weren't paying attention, I'd give

you a lot of points, but... I was a

cute girl in the audience, I wasn't...

Okay, oh, that was great. Now we go to a

game called Party Quirks. This This

game, Greg, you're gonna be hosting a

party, and Wayne, Colin, and Ryan are

gonna be the guests. They each have a

strange quirk or identity. This is the

first time they're seeing these cards.

This is where their quirk or identity is

written. And what Greg has to do is get

with the quirk stars. Greg, why don't you

come over here and start the party?All

right. And Ryan, you line up over there.

I'll buzz you in with the doorbell. I'll

ring in with the doorbell. And whenever

you're ready, start the party. That must

be the bell. Hello, Wayne.

ohh Hey, hey,

heyHave you been drinking window

cleaner again?

Here, have a canapee. Hi, Paul.

Fiddle-de-dee, fiddle-de-dee. You

need to be kissed once. I

don't know nothing about birthday babies.

I don't know this. Wayne, have you met my

friend?He thinks he's in the movie-- he

thinks he is the movie Goblet of the

Wind. He's probably gonna be the movie

Goblet of the Wind, so we'll have to see

him in the movie.

Hi, Ry. Hi, I wasn't really invited, but

I thought you might like to buy some of

these encyclopedias. Sure, come on in.

Can I come in?Yeah.

You need a hand?Okay, no, I'm in. All

right, I'm in. Hey, I don't believe we've

met.

Have you... Wade's in a cartoon. He's in

a... You're very close. He is a cartoon.

He thinks he's a cartoon. He's... What

motion is he showing?What motion?He's

He's excited. He sees a foxy chick in a

cartoon. He's in love. He's in love. He's

in love. It's so simple how we forget,

isn't it?Yeah. It's a...

You old orangutan, you, you you monkey

boy, you encyclopedia-selling...

primate of some kind. Yeah.

I will now give the points

in a foreign language.

Yes!

Now we go on to a game called Hoedown.

Uh, this is for everybody. Now for Laura

Hall, on the keyboard for Laura Hall.

What I need from the audience is

something about modern life that annoys

you. Toilets. Commercials. That's a nice,

broad topic. Uh, so let's hear the

commercial hoedown.

I'm in advertising. You know my name is

Rick. And I am really groovy, 'cause

I am not a brick. I sell

you stuff, stuff that you don't need,

because I have one motivation, and that's

massive greed.

Why don't you buy that stuff, you baby

boomer?I know you've got lots of cash.

You are a big consumer, man. Oh

man. Everything from cars to fast foods.

I sell my biggest slogan, Yo

quiero Taco Bell.

I hate commercials. What a waste of

time. They take up all the program. It

really is a crime. They seem to waste

all the time in my precious life. Thank

God they're 60 seconds, then I can make

love to my wife.

I buy lots of products When I'm at home

alone It's really, really easy You

order them by phone Not to order these

things Is really kind of hard But I

never worry too much I use Collins Credit

Card

Don't throw away and we'll come back and

find out who the winner is. Then you can

do some improv with me. Stay right where

you are. More Whose Language in Anyway

with you.

Hey, welcome back to Whose Language in

Anyway, Touch winner Wayne Grady. Wayne

Grady is the winner of the Now

Congratulations Buddy.

Wayne's going to improvise a scene with

me. It's called Foreign Film Dubs and

what we're going to do is we're going to

fake a language. Can anybody shout out a

language?What

was that?Ancient Egyptians. That's a good

one. I don't know how to fake ancient

Egyptian. We'll do that one. Who knows

how it's gonna work out?And Ryan's gonna

translate for me. Greg's gonna translate

for Wayne. We're gonna act out a movie.

We need a fake movie, an epic-sounding

title for a movie. What did you say?The

Amazing Tricycle Adventure.

Okay, The Amazing Tricycle Adventure done

in ancient... Egyptian. Egyptian, yes.

Are you ready, sir?Ohh

Tak nak nip ne hoopa tik. Tnek nik

tiki

cling cling. I have just invented

something. It's small and has three

wheels, or as we say in ancient Egyptian,

knip

knip. Ah

I'm a little teapot, short and stock.

ohh

The festival of !sis is upon us, and a

sacrifice must be made. I have made this

wheeled vehicle so that you may ride at

the front of the parade.

Ah

Thank you so very much. Quick, get me my

robe and my snake-like

hat.

You look great.

Thank

you. Many years ago, my father came to

this country. They were different times

then. We built everything from the ground

out of stone by sl*ves, who worked many

hours during the day. Boy, I'm hot.

Cleopatra

arrives in her barge. Do you wish to see

you, or you see her, you...

I cannot speak, I'm so excited.

Yes, I will see her, and I hope she's not

on her pyramid.

Thank you very much for watching Who's

Lying Anyway. Good night, everybody. See

you.