01x04 - August 26, 1998

[bunniefuu]

Good evening and welcome to Whose Line Is

It Anyway?Your performers tonight are the

hard-working Brad Sherwood, Mr.

Boots himself Wayne Brady, Canada's

answer to the question Why, Colin

Mochrie, and the man with the cutest

little button nose in show business,

Brian Stiles. Hey, I'm your host, Drew

Curry. Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Well, let's get started. Let's have some

fun.

Hey, welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?

the game where everything's made-up and

the points don't matter.

What's going to happen tonight is our

performers are going to be coming up here

and totally making up things based on

suggestions from the audience and

ourselves. Nobody knows what's coming.

It's going to be great. And I'll award

them points, depending on how good they

do. And at the end of the show, the

winner gets to do something with me.

So you ready for the first game?Let's get

started. All right, the

first game we're gonna play is called

Weird Newscasters, ohh which is all four

of you. And in

this game, Brad is gonna be the anchorman

of a local news program, and Colin,

Wayne, and Ryan are the co-presenters on

the show, but each one of them has a

rather odd character. Brad, your

co-anchor is gonna be Colin. Colin,

you're a bad stand-up comic.

Oh, I'm sorry, your character's a bad

stand-up comic, I'm sorry. My

mistake. Wayne, you're the sports

guy, and you're going to be doing your

sportscast on a big public address system

in a big stadium. And the weatherman is

Ryan. And Ryan, you're a stock market

trader watching your life savings

disappear. And so, Brad,

whenever you hear the music start, you

can just go ahead.

Hello, and welcome to the 6 O'clock News.

I'm Richard Sportwood, and with the

national news, here's Peter Longfellow.

Peter?Hi! Well, it seems all the

fish in the rivers are dying. Could this

be an act of cod?

Some people think it's because of the

heavy rains lately. It was raining cats

and dogs. I stepped into a poodle.

It's like puddle, but spelt differently.

I have 28 more minutes.

Sure is quiet in the newsroom, isn't it?

All right, and now let's go over to the

sports. Please welcome Carlos

Nicepackage. Carlos.

Thank, thank, thank you, you, you, four,

four, four, come, come, come, me, meThe,

the, the b-b-b-boom look like they, they,

they will, will, sweep, sweep, sweep,

the, the whole thing, thing, thing,

thing, thing. The, the,

the, the.. Thank

you, Carlos, I echo that sentiment. And

now over to the weather. Please welcome

Jerry Throbmorton. Jerry?

And with the weather, Jerry Throbmorton.

Oh, ohh I'm sorry. Hello, and a happy

day. Sunny out now, but it looks

like we're gonna have cloudy days ahead.

Cloudy, cloudy days ahead. Storms on the

rise, you can see it. What's it matter?

What's it matter, anybody?I don't get...

That's all the time we have tonight on

the 6 O'clock News. I guess we won't find

out about that weekend, whether, will we?

I guess not. All right, tune in later for

the local news at 10. Thank you so much.

Oh, my God. Half a point for each of you.

Now we come to a game called Duet.

Brad and Wayne are gonna come out and do

this game. They're gonna sing a duet

about someone in the audience, and

they'll be accompanied by the lovely

Laura Hall on the piano. Laura, is there

a woman who'd like a song made-up about

her in the audience?Anybody, any woman

who'd like a song?Ohh Right here. What's

your name?Peyton James. Peyton?Peyton

James. Okay, and Peyton, what do you do

for a living?I act.

You act like what?

Ohh Buddy actress, come on up here,

Peyton. We'll give you a break. Come on

up.

Okay. Hey, how are

you?This game's just for Brad and Wayne,

sorry. Okay, Peyton, they're gonna sing a

song to you in the style of a Doo-Wop 50

song. So, Laurie, you ready?

Dear Peyton... It's overly

hard But now that you're on this

show You'll get your union card

Dear Peyton, you see I know

your bag Years and years you've

wanted to be sad

So Peyton Peyton We're not

understating, no no no no no And you will

be dating You'll be dating 'Cause we're

still waiting We're waiting,

Peyton Right from the start

Me with your blonde hair, your purple,

your nice booty You've got

a heart

Oh, Peyton Peyton Oh, Peyton

Can I come to your Peyton place?

Thank you very much, Peyton. Thank you

very much. Thank you. That's just fine.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Peyton.

That'll be 100 points each for singing to

her so nicely, and 125 points each

deducted for touching her.

Now we go on to a game called Animals.

And in this game, Brad, Ryan, and Colin,

this is for you, you're going to

improvise the scene as Animals. And the

scene is, Ryan, you're having an affair

with your secretary, Colin, and you're

going to be surprised by your wife, Brad.

And to make it extra special, you're all

going to be chimpanzees.

Any more dictation?

Yeah, why don't you sit on my lap here

and copy down-- Chase me around the desk!

You know how much I love you.

You're everything to me, as long as my

wife doesn't find out.

She's upset!

What are you doing in here?

I love him! I just bought him a new shirt

at Banana Republic!

Look, I love her. I'm running away with

her. That's what I said, running away

with her!

Ohh

Damn those Velcro pants! Umm

I can't see anymore. Oh, no. No, no

Bad, 100 points. And $100 if you come to

my place after the show.

Now, let's play a game called props. Now,

we're going to invite everybody into two

teams. Ryan and Brad, you're going to be

in-- this is your prop. You're going to

be in the first one. And Colin and Wayne,

this is yours.

And I'm just going to have to use them as

many interesting ways as possible. I'll

buzz them back and forth. Ryan and Brad--

Ryan and Brad, you're going to start.

Could you get the oven door for me, Brad?

My ice cream's melting.

First time in a rhino bar?

Yeah. Nail! Nail! Here

comes the crane! Oh, no!

I'm just going to dissect the creature

and...

So how long you been growing thismustache?

Surprise!

We're evil smurfs, we're evil smurfs. Ohh

That's a big parrot, Carl.

You know, we really should have told the

jester about the quicksand.

Thank you. Okay, that's

it. We'll be right back with more after

this commission on Whose Line Is It

Anyway?Bye-bye, don't go away.

Hello, and welcome back to Whose Line Is

It Anyway?the show where we make

everything up and the points don't matter

at all.

We now come to a game called Moving

People. This is a great one. Colin and

Ryan are going to be doing this one.

They'll be improvising a scene, but they

can't move unless somebody moves them.

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to

come up to the audience. I'm going to get



Colin and Ryan. Let's have

let's have you right there with the

glasses come on up and you right there in

the black come on down. What's your name?

Wes. Wes. Nice to meet you, Wes. What's

your name?Melanie. Melanie, come on up.

How you doing?Wes and Melanie, how about

a nice round of applause?Go on up, pick

up who they want to be.

And now, what you're going to do now,

they can't move unless you move them in a

position. You can move their arms, legs,

heads, whatever. So pretend they're

dummies right now. Move them into your

favorite position to start out.

I like how they just spent 'em all over

right away. We'll start out just like

that. Thank you, you got the idea. Ryan

is Count Dracula, and

Colin is the man who has come to k*ll

him. So whenever you're ready to go,

don't forget to drop the scene, move 'em

wherever you'd like. And that's how a

chicken lays an egg. But enough of

the wildlife documentary, Dracula. Quiet,

I'm praying to Allah.

OhhI sense something.

Are you a Taurus?Yes, I am.

Very well. I knew so. Ha-ha, I make

myself laugh. Ooh, tight buns.

All right. I now have you in the ancient

vampire elbow lock.

Don't you know you can't k*ll a vampire?

Why's that?Because...

Because they fight back. That's why, my

friend-- Oh. Oh.

I feel sad, for I have not even seen who

I am fighting. I forgot my

steak, so I'm going to have to eat

through your chest. A vampire is

fine, as long as he doesn't look his

accuse straight in the face.

Which doesn't seem to be a problem forme.

All right, Dracula, I've had enough

of this. I'm getting that wooden thing

over there. If I could just

find it. You go, my friend, but you're

never gonna k*ll me if I get back in my

coffin quickly. Oh, yes. Where may I run?

I'm running myself. Look at me go. One

step. Oh, I happened. Look at my wind.

They're blowing behind me. I've got the

wooden thing. And now, Dracula, prepare

to watch me twist.

Ohh Try to sh**t me while I fly away, my

friend. Fly away, I shall.

If I ever start, flap y'all.

Thank you, Melanie and Wes. Welcome to

the seat. Thank you very much. That was

very nice. That was great. Melanie

and Wes, you get 100 bucks each.

Just kidding, you don't get any money to

do that. I don't give you any money to

do that. Now let's play a game called

Party Quirks. In this game, Brad, you're

gonna be hosting a party. And Wayne,

Colin, and Ryan are going to be the

guests of the party, but each of them has

a strange quirk or identity. They're

looking at the envelopes the first time

they've seen these.

And what Brad has to do is guess what

those are. So I want to come out here and

get ready for the party. And Wayne,

Colin, and Ryan, you'll line up over

there and I'll bring you in one at a time

with the doorbell. Brad, whenever you're

ready, go ahead and start the party.

Yeah, I'm just reeling from the whole

ginger spice thing. I don't know. Ohh

Hold on, I gotta go. I'm throwing a

party. Hey, hey, welcome to

the party. Ohh

Try

the dip. Try some of the,

uh, cheese puffs right over there. Oh,

you really... Cat-araga. Hope

some of my other guests show up. Maybe I

should turn on the music. Hello,

hey! Colin. Look out! Colin!

Come on in. All right. Try the dip.

Great. Try the Cheetos.

Oh! That's my final guest. I only

invited three people. Hi! Hello,

Brad. Thanks for inviting me. Ohh

Come on in! Did you hear

something?Uh, no, not that I know. Come

on. I guess I'm just a little...

I'd like you to meet my friend. This

is dances of the world. I'm sure you've

met before. Not quite, but keep on going.

All right, Charleston, now you're here.

All the dances of the universe. Uh,

that's close enough these, uh.. All

the dances of the 20th century. Look

out! Ohh

Todd, man! Be careful! No, no, that'd be

close. You're not the guy from the ABC

Sports Agony of Defeat thing, are you?

That's close enough. He's a steer who

keeps running into things. Ohh Well, I

guess it's just me and the gazelle.

I'll give it to you, a gazelle. That's a

deer. The first thing I wanna see.

Gazelle, deer, who can tell the

difference?Not really. That's how I ended

up in jail.

You're gonna get a warning. 30 points

apiece. Okay, next game is called Scene

to Rap. In this game, Brad and Wayne are

gonna make up a scene together, and

they'll be joined later by Colin and

Ryan. However, they're gonna be rapping.

And they'll be accompanied by mix master

Laura Hall. Funky Laura Hall there.

And then what I need from the audience is

an everyday place where people might

meet. the park. Square dance.

Park is fine. Let's make it the park.

Park?You know why?'Cause a lot of things

rhyme with park. Yeah.

So, Laura, whenever you're ready, go

ahead.

I see you're standing in the park. What

do you do to keep your dog from barking?

I see that you need a

party. There is one right over

there. Go in line. It isn't fair. Go on,

go, go, go, go, go, go,

go, go, go, go. Come on, come onYou ain't

nobody. This is my park. My dog can go

party. Yes, that's right. I work voodoo.

It's my greenery. He can doo-doo.

what I can do and what I can I might rave

and then I might rant If you want this,

man, come on, bro I beat you from my feet

to my afro

Hey there, boys, on my way to Haberdasher

'Cause I'm in the park and I'm a flasher

I try to rap, I really try But I can't

'Cause I'm a just a white guy Said, huh

Well, he's our special pastor show Boy, I

thought I'd see a little more

Maybe it's just cold outside But he's got

nothing but a little to hide

Hey there, buddy Hey there, slugger Put

up your hands, I'm a friendly mugger Give

me your money, give me your dog Cut down

the tree, then give me a log Give me the

bushes and give me the treesGive me the

dogs with all the fleas. Give me the sky.

Give me that thing. Ooh, I'm crazy.

All right. That was great. Don't go away.

We'll be right back after this

commercial. And hey, when we come back,

we'll announce the winner. The winner

gets to do what it improvises me. Stay

tuned.

Hey, welcome back to Whose Line Is It

Anyway?Tonight's winner is Colin Mochrie.

Colin, the night's winner,

congratulations. And, uh..

Listen, one, Colin and I are going to

improvise a scene together. It's called

Foreign Film Dubs, and we're going to

improvise a scene in a language that you

guys are going to choose, and then we'll

make up a movie, and the title you guys

are going to supply to us. And while

we're doing this in a foreign language,

Brad's going to translate for me, and

Ryan's going to translate for Colin.

Okay, so we need a language.

Chinese. What?Chinese. Chinese. Chinese.

That's easy to fake. And now we need

the name of an epic film title. Make up a

name of a film. Zunheit.

Zunheit. Great Chinese. Okay, now we're

gonna act out the great Chinese film,

Zunheit.

Cover your mouth.

I'm

sorry, the cold has come upon me like

winter on our city.

Here,

take this to 415 Main Street.

Give me a break, my donkey's dead.

Ohh

Oh, well, I'll try to stuff him into this

small hole.

I

have lived in this city all my life. As a

young boy growing up, my father told me

to set forth on my own, find my own

fortune, seek the goal that I wanted from

years gone by. I met a young girl one

day, and we fell deeply in love. Had

children friends, they grew up to be very

proud of me. I love you.

Huh

Wait. I will I will give you the lucky

cayenne pepper salute. Uh-oh.

Chew your wig.

My biggest

apologies. Try one of my wigs.

Even though I look better, I am still the

ugliest man in China.

Thank you very much for joining us. See

you next time on Who's Always Everywhere.

Goodnight.