Evil Sublet (2023)

[bunniefuu]

Okay, so my wife and I just

finished watching "Psycho,"

and now she's taking a shower.

Who takes a shower after

watching "Psycho," right?

So I'm gonna play a little trick on her.

Watch.

(whistling in shower)

(wife screaming)

(thud)

- Oh my God!

No! No!

[Child] Oh my God,

what did you do to Mom?

It was an accident! She just slipped!

I'm calling the cops!

Wait, wait, wait, just!

- Let go of me!

- Just wait!

(Child screaming)

(crash, bones snapping)

Oh my God! No, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

What have I done?

Listen people, and listen well

I've got myself a little story to tell

The kind that make you sweat

Turn you into wreck

Make the hair stand up

on the back of your neck

Something's happened we cannot explain

But they're happenin' just the same

Like you wake in the night

With something strange in your bed

You tell yourself it's nothing

It's all in your head

I've got a good

feeling about this place,

and it's fully furnished.

Why does the listing say it's "evil"?

That's the East Village.

You know, it's just an abbreviation

like SoHo, Dumbo, Tribeca, the eVil.

You know, we could get

more space in Brooklyn.

Brooklyn's priced out now too.

Dude, what do you got

against this place anyway?

- It's too cheap.

- Oh, what a great problem

to have. What will we do

with all of our extra money?

Alex, there's got to be

something wrong with it.

Nobody rents a three bedroom

for two grand in East Village.

The eVil, get with the times, Ben.

(ominous music)

Hi, Ben, hi, Alex. I am

Parker. So good to meet you.

So you're here for the eVil three bedroom?

- Yeah.

- Awesome, let's go look.

(eerie music)

(door creaking)

Now the entrance isn't so inviting,

but it gets better, I promise.

So each unit has its own floor,

and we're going to Number Two.

But isn't this the third floor?

Oh, yes, but there's no

unit on the ground floor.

So Number One is one flight

up, Number Two is two flights.

It's very French.

Ooh la la!

So it's a fully-furnished three bedroom.

Doesn't get a lot of daylight.

(gasps) Ooh, I think we just

found our dream apartment.

Mmm! And it's near three subway lines,

has two full closets...

- Get out!

- [echo] Get out!

- an eat-in kitchen.

- Wow.

- What's wrong with it?

Oh, you know, it's an old building.

The lights flicker sometimes,

the hot water runs out too fast.

Oh, and it's supposedly haunted.

The last tenant went crazy,

k*lled his wife and child,

chopped up their bodies,

buried them in the garden,

and blew his brains out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

There's a garden?

- There is!

- No, no!

Go back to the other thing.

- Oh, I know.

I was kind of freaked out

about that myself at first.

But yes,

there is a 432-square-foot eat-in kitchen

with a gas stove.

- No, no, no, the murders?

Oh, that. Yeah, well, he

claimed it was an accident.

He only cut up and hid the

bodies because he panicked.

Look, the listing did

say, this place is evil.

Now, the lease holder

insisted I'd be up front

about how a lot of the

previous tenants came to

horrific ends.

- A lot?

I like to say don't focus on the rumors.

Focus on the rooms.

They're high ceilings.

High enough to hang your large artwork.

- Or yourself.

- Whatever floats your boat.

(laughs) Let's go see the kitchen.

New fridge, new stove, big oven.

Oh yeah.

Look at all this storage space.

So the garden is out here.

Just under the fire escape.

(children playing)

Perfect place to get

away, clear your head.

And it's shared with the

other families in the building?

Three other units.

They're all currently vacant.

Wait, we're the only ones here?

The other apartments are empty?

Don't get too spoiled.

In this market, the other

units will fill up soon.

This room's set up as an office,

but it could be another bedroom.

Master bedroom.

Oh, that's kinda cool. Wow.

Oh my God, what is this?

A lot of the past

tenants left in a hurry.

So people's stuff just got thrown in here.

Before or after they were

hauled off to the sanitarium?

No, the last tenant that happened to,

they got rid of his stuff.

I could have my recording booth in here.

I don't know. It doesn't feel right.

I totally get it,

I can show you other

listings in this price range.

In Manhattan?

No.

But East New York, Gravesend.

Are you open to the Bronx?

So it's just first and last month's rent,

one month's security deposit,

my fee, and the credit check.

It just amounts to $8,100.

Do you take credit cards?

No.

Lorne, we're so late.

Please don't stop to give out charms

to homeless people again.

You're so mean. When

did you get so mean?

I'm not mean.

Oh, excuse us, sorry.

Alex!

I had to stop and buy

this good luck charm

from a homeless man.

I think if it was really lucky,

he would've been less homeless.

But we need all the luck we can get.

Look, the best part

about it, it's a whistle.

Don't put your lips on it!

(whistle screeching)

(mysterious music)

So I found him in a secondhand store

and I decided to bring him home.

- Why?

- I don't know.

I thought maybe I could learn

a ventriloquist act or something.

Not a typical 21st century career

or hobby choice, but okay.

- I know, right?

So I put him in a rocking

chair opposite my bed.

You have seriously never

seen a horror movie, have you?

No, why?

So when I woke up,

there was blood running out of his mouth,

and all my roommates were dead.

And then

I woke up for real.

- Oh, Jesus!

No, you don't understand.

I've been having nightmares

like this every night.

They said you deal with

this sort of thing.

- Who?

- Yelp.

Okay, what you have here is

what is commonly referred to

as a creepy f*cking doll.

And you're having nightmares

because it's f*cking creepy.

There is nothing supernatural

about this stick of wood.

Can you just test it to be sure?

There's not really any kind of...

No!

They say that you can sense things.

My husband is not some circus freak here

to amaze and amuse you.

Okay, technically, but...

Look, if there's nothing

supernatural about it,

then there's nothing

to worry about or fear.

But if there is, shouldn't

I be the one to know?

- It can't hurt, Ned.

- Lorne...

Thank you.

(suspenseful music)

Babe?

Oh, you used him as a sex toy?

Oh, no! You really...

No wonder you're having nightmares.

- I'm having nightmares.

- Oh, come on.

It was one time!

- Get out!

Wait, wait, wanna see

my ventriloquist act?

- No!

- No!

This is my hit song, it's

called "Saltwater Taffy."

Get out!

Who wants a saltwater taffy

I've got a saltwater taffy

Hey, hey, hey, who

wants a saltwater taffy

I've got a saltwater taffy

(mysterious music)

It's crazy. We can't

afford to stay in our place,

but we also can't afford

to move to a cheaper one.

So you are a computer

programmer, and you are an actress.

Voiceover artist.

Well, we certainly can

give you an overdraft loan.

There will of course be a

fee and a 21% finance charge.

21%? What's the interest

on our savings account pay?

- 0.01%.

- Why is it so much cheaper

for you to borrow money from us?

We obviously aren't

borrowing money from you.

Isn't that the deal?

Like, while you're holding our money,

don't you speculate

with it in a bunch of...

What's it? Dirigibles?

- Deliberatives.

- Derivatives.

- Thank you.

- And we are not.

- And you know what?

We actually would have the money

if you didn't charge us a fee

every month for the privilege

of letting you borrow our money.

The fee is because you

don't have more money

in your account.

- Oh, Ben, that's it.

We should have just had more money.

You really should keep

more money set aside.

I mean, especially at your age.

Okay, you know what?

We might not have made

all the best financial decisions so far,

but at least we haven't needed

the taxpayers to bail us out

to the tune of a trillion dollars.

So I'm not here to be

lectured by a loan shark

with a gambling problem.

- Excuse me?

Listen, Sparky, if we

write this check today,

will it clear or not?

- Technically, yes.

Then we're done here. Thank you.

(ominous music)

Why is this chest so heavy?

I put a lot of heavy stuff in it.

Ben, you don't fill up a chest like this

when you're moving.

- Yes, you do.

Otherwise, it would take you like 10 trips

to get this many books up here.

Wow, just wow.

- You're welcome.

- I can't believe y'all

are paying $2,000 a month for this.

[Hedy] I know. Great deal, right?

No, it's more than the

mortgage on my house.

We have an eat-in kitchen.

We have a pool and a tennis court.

Yeah,

but you live in Alabama.

Whoa, what is that?

[Ben] Oh, it's an old

Coney Island banner.

We'll take you out there this weekend.

[Hedy] Alex, this place is wild.

I know, right?

It's like every single person

who ever lived here left their stuff

and scooted out in the

middle of the night.

Ah, it's like they just ghosted.

Hey, Ben? Don't you find

it weird that your wife

and her ex-wife are still friends?

We're New Yorkers, Sis. We

don't find anything weird.

Well, I still don't understand

what y'all are paying for this.

[Oliver] Seriously, such a

good deal! I pay more than that

and my apartment doesn't

even have a bathroom.

[Ben] Alex!

Why do we have so many bowls?

[Oliver] I'll take some if you want.

I could really use them.

Oh, y'all need some fresh milk.

I just got it.

[Alex] Thanks, Oliver. Thank you.

(music box playing)

Oh my God.

Nope!

Buh-bye.

Oh, you guys, I just

cannot thank you enough.

Anytime, this place is awesome.

And let me know if you need a roommate.

- (laughs) Okay.

- No, really.

Hey, let me ax you a question.

What do you think this is doing here?

Oh, that's probably

what the last tenant used

to chop up his family before

he buried them in the garden.

Oh, that makes it less funny.

This place has a garden?

- Oliver, you're my hero.

- Anything to get out

of my own apartment.

Thanks, Hedy. Hey, now! Okay.

Hey, you guys,

there is a bag of trash

just outside the door.

Would you mind taking it down on your way?

- Sure.

- Thank you very much.

And seriously, if you wanna get rid

of some bowls or...

- Thanks, Oliver. We're good.

Where's that trash?

I don't know. Maybe Ben took it?

Hey, Ben, check this out.

Am I crazy or does this light

actually make the room darker?

Maybe it's straining

the current or something.

Hey, how come there's a step

to get into the guest room?

The whole floor, it's a foot higher.

You think there's something

buried under the floorboards?

Maybe.

Here's a white noise machine,

in case there's too much street noise.

We got a motion-activated nightlight

in case you gotta get up.

Hmm, well, thanks for putting

me in the freak show room.

I'll make sure not to wake you up

with my screaming nightmares.

Goodnight, Sis.

[Woman] Karen, oh my God.

You have got to try this new brunch place.

They have oat milk martinis.

- [Woman 2] Oh my God!

(young women hooting)

- [Woman 3] OMG, Karen!

Very funny, Ben.

What the hell?

You're gonna have to help me up here.

Push! Come on.

- Looks pretty high.

- Push!

Oh!

Oh, happy new home.

- Mm-hmm.

(clanking)

What the f*ck was that?

Old pipes.

(pipes thumping)

(eerie music)

[voice] What did you do to me?

What did you do to me?

What did you do to me?

(scratching sound)

(Sis screaming)

- Oh sh*t.

Welcome to New York.

- What happened?

- Oh, it was just a roach.

It was as big as my thumb!

Oh, so it was a baby then.

- That's probably the mom.

- Oh God! Get it!

- Well, it's gone now.

- No, find it!

Please, I can't even find my cell phone.

I'm not gonna be able to find a bug

that's slightly smaller.

- Slightly?

Okay, no, I'm not staying here. Motel!

(mysterious music)

(shower running, whistling)

Well you're chipper this morning.

Hey, babe, I think we've got

some black mold up there.

We better take that seriously.

Morning. I got us some fresh milk.

(mysterious music)

Oh my God.

That's weird.

Hey, Ben?

Benny!

Cupcake?

Lollipop!

Ding-doing! Muffin! What the...?

What... Ben! What are you...? What?

Did you not hear me screaming

my lungs out for you in there?

- No, what's up?

- Did you come in

and take my paper towels?

(negative grunt)

What?

Hey, Lexi, please add paper

towels to my shopping list.

[Lexi] You have 13 items

on your shopping list.

What did you add?

Hey, Lexi, what's on my shopping list?

[Lexi] You have 13 items

on your shopping list.

Paper towels, fresh milk.

You should leave here, leave now,

leave now, leave now,

leave now, leave now,

leave now, leave now, leave now,

bananas, leave now, leave now.

You know, um...

I was trying to set an alert

to let me know when it was

time to leave for work.

I guess I just, I screwed it up.

I'm terrible with technology.

But you're a tech guy.

Isn't that literally your job?

Yeah, it's a problem.

(woman screaming)

(carnival music)

[Ben] This is the oldest

operating Ferris wheel

in the country.

[Sis] Well, that doesn't

make me feel safer.

Oh, it's great.

The Wonder Wheel opened up in 1920,

and it's the first Ferris

wheel to ever do this.

- What?

- Oh, you'll see.

(screaming)

Shh! No screaming.

You've gotta record

your audition tomorrow.

In that room?

Oh, I would be a nervous

wreck if I had to record

with all those sirens and party people

and weeping children next door.

Don't let nerves get the best of you.

Ask your doctor about Raehydu.

- What?

That's my audition. Wait, get this.

"Stop taking Raehydu if you

experience uncontrolled bleeding

from the mouth, nose,

or rectum, loss of hair

or fingernails or suicidal

thoughts or actions."

Let me just tell you something.

If I were bleeding from my

nose, mouth, and rectum,

losing my hair and fingernails,

I would definitely be having

some suicidal thoughts.

Whoo!

- Whoo!

Shh, no screaming, no screaming.

Oh, mama!

So I got this really cool

Ouija board back tattoo,

but I think I might've summoned Satan

when I was getting a massage.

- Uh-huh.

See my masseuse, she

just started talking

in Greek, like outta the blue.

- Is your masseuse Greek?

- How should I know?

Okay, fair.

[Alex] (laughs)

"Grandmother's Predictions."

All right, what's she

got to say about you?

"You are known for your generosity,

but sometimes friends

take advantage of you."

Huh, "A journey awaits

you with promise of riches."

You will return changed."

- Ooh.

I like it.

Okay, it's completely black.

- Spook-a-Rama!

- Ooh, Spook-a-Rama!

Don't you think that's weird?

Jesus!

- I am not riding alone.

Aw, then I have to ride by myself.

Wah! I gotta ride by myself.

They take your picture on this ride.

So if you scream like a baby,

I'm gonna post it for everyone to see.

(fun house music & noises)

Ooh-h*-h*.

[Alex] Hey guys? What just happened?

Hello?

Where's Alex?

(gasps) Look, there's our picture!

Hey guys?

(moaning)

Ah sh*t! Oh, my God! What the...?

f*ck! Oh my God!

Oh my God!

- What, hey?

- You guys,

that ride was way too scary.

- You all right?

Did you see that

freaky-a*s man in there?

What, freaky-a*s man like he was weird

or freaky a*s-man like

he was into your butt?

'Cause there's guys like that.

- Yeah.

You guys, all I know,

you were in the car in front of me, right?

And then all of a sudden,

I dunno what happened

- Lorne!

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

What the f*ck?

- I'm sorry,

my husband is prone to fits.

Well, keep your hands off of my wife!

- Lorne...

- It's okay, it's okay.

Can we just go?

- What just happened?

You embarrassed yourself again.

That's a freaky-a*s man.

- You okay?

- What the f*ck?

You can't keep doing this.

Ned, they need our help.

Here comes that wave of ghosts

Rising up again

(woman screaming)

(suspenseful music on TV)

Is there some kind of draft in here?

You and your scented candles.

Man, it's the only way

to get any light in here.

You know what they really should make?

Fart-scented candles.

(Alex laughing)

That way, nobody'd think it was you.

That's the worst idea I've ever heard.

People would be like, "Did he just...?"

"Oh, it's the candle."

[Alex] What are you watching?

[Ben] Oh, some horror movie.

Oh, my God! Why does anyone

in a horror movie go down to the basement?

Because they don't know

they're in a horror movie.

No one should ever go down

to the basement, period.

(victim screaming)

See (laughs)?

Oh, hey, I'm sorry your

sister's too afraid to stay

with us on her last night.

- I mean, hey,

at least we got the place to ourselves.

Ooh, that's true.

Oh, my God, was that you?

- I think it was your candle.

- Oh my God (laughs).

(thumping outside)

Sounds like the neighbors are moving in.

At night?

- [Neighbor] No!

- Oh, my God.

Sounds like they need a hand.

Hello?

I must have just missed them.

So tomorrow let's go

say hello to them, okay?

- I'm turning it, I'm beat.

- Oh, okay.

I'll be in in a while.

(cartoon music on TV)

Yes?

Hon?

What are you...?

(door creaking)

Ben?

Ben?

Okay, if you open one more time,

I'm gonna be a little freaked out.

- What the f*ck was that?

- I don't know.

I honestly don't know.

(glass breaking)

Aw...

Jesus!

Not funny, Ben!

Oh!

Ah, gross!

Alex, I'm gonna go see

my sister off before work.

Good luck with that submission today.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm gonna go upstairs

and meet our neighbors later.

- Nice.

Bye.

(suspenseful music)

(child coughing)

(carnival music)

Excuse me.

You sell pictures taken at

the "Spook-a-Rama," right?

- [Vendor] Yep.

- So a friend of mine

rode yesterday, and I'd

like to surprise her.

Is it possible to print out

some pictures from yesterday?

- Yeah.

- Great.

Ah, that's it! That's her. I'll take it.

- Okay, $7.

- Thank you.

Don't let nerves get the best of you.

Ask your doctor about Raehydu

and say goodbye to your life

long fears and anxieties.

Okay...

Is anxiety holding you

back from your dreams?

Ask your doctor about Raehydu,

a prescription medication

for moderate to severe anxiety.

Side effects may include

nausea, dry mouth,

abnormal ejaculation, hallucinations,

irreversible change in skin

color, sleep paralysis,

or expl*sive diarrhea that

may be difficult to predict.

Stop taking Raehydu if you

experience uncontrolled bleeding

from the mouth, ears, or rectum,

loss of hair or fingernails,

or suicidal thoughts or actions.

Don't take Raehydu if you

are allergic to Raehydu

or its ingredients.

Fatal incidents have occurred.

Don't let nerves get the best of you.

Ask your doctor about Raehydu

and say goodbye to your

lifelong fears and anxieties.

And send.

(scream and thud)

(muffled voices)

Is there anybody there?

Okay, I'm documenting this.

I came in the bathroom because

I heard some crazy sounds

from inside, but the

water was just running

in the sink all by itself.

That's f*cked up.

(pipes clanking)

Gah!

(Alex gasping)

Whoa!

Oh my God, I think I'm gonna barf.

God!

Ugh! That was nasty!

Benny, Benny, Benny!

(phone ringing)

- [Ben on phone] Hey, toots!

- Hey.

- What's up?

- You owe me big time, bud.

Oh, yeah, why?

Because I just worked my a*s off

cleaning all that black mold out of the

- Alex, you there?

- Oh my God.

What, what happened?

(phone beeping)

Alex?

- Ben, it's my agent,

hang on.

- What, what happened?

- Hello?

- [Agent] Alex,

what did you send me?

- Huh?

[Agent] Your voice over

submission, it's a total garble.

- What?

- [Agent] It's a total garble.

Oh... Oh my God, I'm so

sorry. I can rerecord it.

[Agent] No, no, no. It's too late.

Get your act together,

Alex, you embarrassed me.

I'm so sorry.

Ben, I don't know what's

going on here, man.

[Ben] What? What happened?

[Alex] I don't know what's going on.

[Ben] Alex, you're not making sense.

[Alex recording] Is

anxiety holding you back

(recording becomes distorted)

(recording screeching)

Raehydu.

[child's voice] Mom... Mom...

[Alex] Raehydu...

(backwards voice)

[Alex] Raehydu...

- [child] Mom.

- [Alex] Raehydu.

- [child] Mom.

- [Alex] Raehydu.

[Backwards Alex Voice] We die here.

[child] Mom?

[Alex backwards] We die here.

[child] Mom?

[Alex backwards] We die here.

[child] Help me!

Lorne, what do you want for lunch?

Mm, I'm really in the mood

for that Mongolian place.

- They don't deliver.

- Yeah.

I'm really in the mood

for that Mongolian place.

Well, I guess it's

dead. I could use a walk.

See you in a bit.

- Bye.

Where are you?

Now, where are you?

Where are you?

[Echoey Lorne] Where are you?

- Hey, I'm home.

- Oh my God! Ben,

you have got to come and listen to this.

Okay, wait, wait, wait,

I've got to take a piss.

What the f*ck happened in here?

It's the mold.

- You said you cleaned it!

- I did.

Well, what did you use, Miracle Grow?

Listen to me!

I recorded my voice over

audition earlier today,

and then when I played it backwards.

Okay... Whoa... No! No

rational conversation

ever followed the words,

"when I played it backwards."

Listen to me!

(intercom buzzing)

- Are you expecting somebody?

- No.

Hello?

(garbled voices)

That's weird.

- Ben, we gotta move out.

What are you talking about?

We just moved in. We were just talking

about having a house warning party.

I know, this place is bad.

I mean, can't you feel it?

- Where would we even go?

- I don't know.

A hotel maybe?

- We can't afford that.

- Just for one night then.

- No, look

(intercom buzzing)

Hello?

(garbled voices)

(buzzing door)

New neighbors

probably locked themselves out.

Look, you were the one

who was afraid this place

might be haunted.

- No, I was afraid you

would freak out.

Let's not pretend that

you don't have a history

(pounding on door)

Hello?

Don't open that door!

It's the door. I'm gonna open it.

Hello?

Hello?

There's nobody there.

Oh, that was nobody, practically

breaking the door down.

It's probably somebody who's

looking for the neighbors.

What sense does that even make?

Ben, there is something seriously

f*cked up going on here.

Read the writing on the wall.

I don't know what you're talking about.

What?

There's nothing there.

Come on, let's go.

- You can't see that?

Let's go. Let's just go in here.

- You can't see that there?

- There's nothing there.

Look at me. Look, look.

I think it's time when we

go see Dr. McMichaels again.

Come on, let's sit down.

(pop music)

I don't care what Ben and my shrink say,

there is something wrong

with that apartment.

But you did see a shrink, right?

Oh, yeah. You'll never

guess what she prescribed

for me: Raehydu. It's the drug

that I just auditioned for.

You supposed to be

drinking while taking that?

No.

You're just under a lot of stress.

God, Hedy, you're worse than them.

- Worse than they.

- That can't be right.

Trust me, I was captain of

the high school grammar team.

Which you never let me forget.

Oh God, you must've been so cool.

Anyways, you had to overextend yourself

to get this apartment.

Now that you're in a situation

where you can't afford

to move again, your brain is punishing you

by creating scenarios where you'd have to.

Damn, girl, you are

better than my shrink.

Psychological insight, k*ller bod.

Why'd you ever leave me?

Uh, I think it was because

of all the screaming fights.

[TV Host] After

reviewing all our footage,

our paranormal investigation team has come

to a conclusion about the

strange phenomena in your home.

[Home Owner] Is it a ghost?

[Host] No, it's a squatter

living in your crawl space.

[Home Owner] So then

it's not supernatural?

[Host] That's right,

it's just the result

of a nationwide affordable

housing crisis combined

with decades of underinvestment

in mental health.

(intercom beeping)

- [Home Owner] Oh, thank God!

Who is it?

(unintelligible)

I'm sorry, did you say "m*rder*r"?

[Delivery Person] Burger.

You ordered a burger

from Sidney's Five.

- Oh, "burger."

Yeah, that makes more sense.

(buzzing door)

(oven rattling)

Hello?

Ben! Oh my God! What...

(Ben's head banging)

Ben, Ben, Ben!

sh*t! You scared me.

I scared you? What were you doing?

Something's written

on the back of the oven.

I was trying to read it.

Well, what did it say?

It said, "Don't stick your head in here."

This apartment is driving you

to do self-destructive things.

I have always done

self-destructive things.

Don't tell me you don't feel it.

Dear God, you won't even go into the room

with the typewriter in it.

It's on my list.

You just get these weird

ideas about the paranormal,

like after we saw "Hamilton,"

and then you went to the Aaron Burr house

to try and harass his ghost.

You're a real jerk, Aaron Burr.

Ma'am, please leave.

Anyway, I just found out

I've gotta go to a conference.

Oh my God, are you kidding me?

[TV ad] ...anxiety. Side

effects may include nausea,

dry mouth, abnormal ejaculation...

m*therf*cker.

Is this the ad you tried out for?

Yes.

[TV ad] ...expl*sive diarrhea

that may be difficult to predict.

Stop taking Raehydu if you

experience uncontrolled bleeding

from the mouth, nose or rectum...

Sorry, babe.

[TV ad] ...or suicidal

thoughts or actions.

Please don't have suicidal

thoughts or actions.

Don't worry. I'm only

having homicidal thoughts.

[TV ad] Don't take

Raehydu if you are allergic

to Raehydu or its ingredients.

Fatal incidents have occurred.

Hey!

What?

[TV ad] Ask your doctor about Raehydu

and say goodbye to your

lifelong fears and anxieties.

Stop taking Raehydu if some

other b*tch gets the job.

(glass shattering)

sh*t!

Hello?

(bowl shattering)

What are you doing?

Please don't do this, you don't want to.

(bowl shattering)

Can you hear me?

If you're in there, please don't

You don't belong here!

(Lorne gasping)

- It's okay. It's okay.

It's okay. I've got you. You're okay.

What the hell are you doing?

I don't know.

You're smashing all our stuff?

I must have been sleepwalking.

That's a side effect of the drug.

- Jesus!

- Well, you're the one

who wanted me to see a shrink.

Well, we got people

coming over in a week.

What are we gonna serve 'em stuff in?

Well, you always said

we have too many bowls!

If I were crazy

I'd write your name across my head

In purple crayon with big Crayola

I'd never wash it

I wouldn't have to

If I were crazy

The voices wouldn't let me be

They'd talk in Spanish,

talk in German,

I'd never get a word in edgewise

If I were crazy

(music playing on phone)

(music playing through stereo)

- You look great.

- Thank you.

- Feeling okay?

- Yeah.

Oh yes, you do.

(ceiling rattling)

- [Neighbor] Oh my God!

- Did you invite them?

- They're never home.

I slid a note under the door though,

so maybe they'll show up.

Well, clearly they're home now.

(suspenseful music)

- Tonight's gonna be fun.

- Yeah.

We finally got the

place all put together.

We got the mold under control.

You're feeling more settled.

Things are looking up.

- [Alex] Oh!

- [Ben] What the f*ck?

[Inhuman Voice] Stay out!

[Ben] I think the fuses

are in the basement.

- I'll go.

- Oh, I thought you

were never going to the basement.

(door creaking)

(suspenseful music)

(Alex gasping)

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, it's funny.

Oh God.

Oh, what's this?

Oh, cool.

(upbeat music)

(intercom buzzing)

(music playing through stereo)

You should see all the crazy

sh*t that's down there.

Plus there's a secret exit

out the back of the building.

Oh, that's cool. Uh,

people are already arriving.

Oh. Oh, Oliver, thanks for coming!

[Ben] Lemme make you a drink?

- Thanks.

- Come on in.

Hey, I'm Oliver.

- Lisa, I live here.

- Oh, the neighbor.

You moved in last month, right?

I guess. I've kind

of lost track of time.

There's something wrong

with this building.

It's better than mine.

There are all these strange noises.

Marco says it's the plumbing.

At least you have plumbing.

The landlord turned mine off.

He's trying to drive me out

so he can raise the rent.

But I don't have anything saved to move.

My whole retirement plan

is hoping I die early.

There are all these banging noises.

Mine too, they're gutting

the apartment next to mine.

And blood runs down the walls.

Okay...

My apartment doesn't do that.

Marco doesn't believe

me. He never believes me.

He deserves what I did to him.

Olive?

You're the first one here.

So this isn't just a housewarming.

It's actually a sendoff party as well

because Ben's gotta go to

some huge conference tomorrow

and leave me...

Are you okay? Oliver?

Oliver?!

Oh my God! Ben, call 911!

Ben! He's choking, choking, choking!

Here, here, here, here!

Where's my phone? Where's my phone?

Where's your phone?

- I don't know, in my pocket.

I don't know.

- Oh, God! No it's not!

Well go get somebody! Go

get the neighbors, or the...

Just get somebody!

Come on, man, breathe!

(ribs breaking)

[Paramedic 1] Jesus, these stairs!

- Up here, hurry!

- [Paramedic 2] Sorry, ma'am,

we're responding to an

emergency in Apartment Two.

Yeah, this is Apartment Two!

That's the third floor.

Yes, Apartment Two

is on the third floor.

That doesn't make any sense.

Must be like in France.

- Hurry, please!

- We're coming.

More stairs!

Ugh, I need a minute.

My friend has choked on

something and he's not breathing.

Ma'am, one second.

Vic, you okay?

It's just a lot of stairs.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

You have got to come and help us!

Ma'am, please, I'm dealing

with an emergency here.

Well, my friend is not breathing!

Hang in there, buddy. We're

gonna get you to the hospital.

No, no, no, no, no,

I don't have insurance.

- We've been doing CPR.

- Do you know CPR?

I've seen it on TV.

Amateurs!

How's his pulse?

- He doesn't have one!

- How long?

- I don't know!

Like 15, 20 minutes?

Yeah, he's dead.

Drink this.

Ma'am, please! I'll be there in a minute!

- Lorne.

- Oh, so rude!

Where the hell have you been?

- I went out walking.

- After midnight?

- Out in the moonlight.

- What is going on?

You've been distant, you

disappear for hours. Are...

Are you seeing someone?

No, no, no!

Okay, you're not going to like this, but

I could use your help on some research.

We did everything we could.

At least that

paramedic is okay.

You can't still say

that there is nothing crazy

happening inside this apartment.

Oliver wasn't k*lled by a ghost.

He was k*lled by an olive.

Where was my phone?

I can't keep track of your phone!

I gotta pack.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! You are not going.

I can't just not go to the conference.

Have you given any thought

to my responsibilities?

I think under the circumstances

they would understand.

Do you understand how

much pressure I'm under

from everybody else at work?

From these kids? And we need this job!

I mean, it's not like

you've been booking a lot

of voiceovers lately.

Get out.

Okay, okay. To be clear,

you're mad I'm leaving,

so you want me to leave sooner?

Just f*cking go!

Hey, how you doing?

(footsteps upstairs)

(phone ringing)

Hello?

[Hedy on phone] Alex, you okay?

Hedy?

We were gonna meet for drinks at 6:00.

It's almost 7:00.

Yeah, six o'clock at

night. I know I'm a wreck,

but I'm not a drinking

in the morning wreck

yet.

- It is night.

I slept all day?

Wow, well, after what you

went through last night,

it totally makes sense.

- No, it doesn't.

(child laughing)

Hedy?

- Yeah?

I hear sounds coming from the next room.

Will you stay on the line?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Hedy, there's a door in this room.

Yeah, well, most rooms have doors.

No, another door.

I walked through one door,

and now there's another door.

Is this some kind of

philosophical statement?

I'm gonna call you back.

(phone ringing)

[Hedy on phone] Hello?

Hedy, our apartment

has another secret room.

Alex, it's 4:00 in the morning.

What did you say?

It's 4:00 in the morning.

Please, you need to sleep.

I promise, this is gonna look

better in the morning, okay?

- Sleep.

- Yes, okay.

Yeah, okay.

[Alex recorded] Is

anxiety holding you back

from your dreams? Ask

your doctor about Raehydu,

a prescription medication for

moderate to severe anxiety.

Side effects may include

nausea, dry mouth,

abnormal ejaculation, hallucinations,

irreversible change in skin

color, sleep paralysis,

sleep paralysis, sleep

paralysis, sleep paralysis...

These are known side effects.

These are just known side effects.

(child laughing)

Oh my God!

Stop taking Raehydu if

you experience bleeding.

That does it!

Oh, you think you're so bad?

I have had way worse roommates than you!

And I will not be bullied

out of my dream apartment!

I've had a roommate with

a serious gas problem!

I've had a roommate

take a sh*t in the sink!

I've had a roommate

f*ck a dog on the couch,

and I have had a roommate that composted!

So I am definitely not afraid of you!

I will sage the f*ck outta this place!

My God, you don't even have a body!

Look at me! I've got arms and legs

(phone ringing)

[Hedy on phone] Hey, what's up?

Heddy, I need your help.

I got you, babe. What do you need?

Pants, I need f*cking pants!

sh*t was just like being thrown at me.

I mean like a lamp was thrown at me.

Maybe the apartment was built

on an Indian burial ground or something.

Isn't all of a Manhattan built

on an Indian burial ground?

I don't know. Look, if

there's an answer to be found,

it's probably from this guy.

Hi, is this the Miraculous Mr.

Moon's Fortune Consultation?

That's my grandfather. I

do the consultations now.

Well, here's the thing, I

have ghosts in my apartment.

Is this like a Halloween attraction?

No, actual ghosts, like

sh*t flying off shelves.

- Could it be a draft?

- Um, that's what I said.

No, I have real ghosts,

and I need real mystical guidance

from the Miraculous Mr. Moon.

Oh, I see.

A book falls off your shelf,

and you come down to Chinatown

and find an old man with all the answers.

What kind of r*cist '80s B movie

do you think you're living in?

Aren't you a fortune teller?

Fortune consultant, we

help you make a fortune.

It's business seminars, not mystical sh*t.

All right, well, what's with all this

Miraculous Mr. Moon business then?

Okay, my grandfather came here

without a cent in his

pocket or a word of English

and became a successful textile importer.

That's pretty f*cking miraculous.

It is.

So unless you've got a business idea,

get the f*ck outta my office.

Puppies on demand.

- What?

- You rent 'em by the hour.

It's like an escort service,

only for puppy cuddling.

- Huh.

- Oh my God!

We'll talk.

(upbeat music)

Oh my God, I cannot go

back to that apartment again.

You can stay with me until Ben's back.

Are you sure?

That's asking a lot?

- What are exes for?

I can't tell you what it was like.

When sh*t started flying

through the air coming at me,

I was so scared, I literally sh*t myself.

I hope you didn't literally,

"literally sh*t" yourself.

I came close, grammar

captain, my captain, very close.

(phone buzzing)

Ben, I just cannot right now.

What am I gonna tell

him, that I'm too scared

to go back to our apartment?

He's gonna think I'm f*cking crazy.

So what if you call that guy on TV

who talks to dead people?

Oh, no, no, no, he had

a Me Too issue, I think.

What about this guy?

Televangelist says he

can drive out demons.

Uh, I'm pretty sure that he

had a sexual harassment

claim against him as well.

Look, Hedy, I have ghosts in my apartment.

I'm not gonna invite a sex

monster in on top of it.

Well, maybe just a regular

priest can do an exorcism.

(coughs) The Catholic church?

Are you even listening to me?

- Mm, how about this one?

They sound like "The Conjuring" couple,

only g*y.

- Aw.

Seems safe, right?

(determined music)

Oh dear.

You!

I've been expecting you.

You're the guy who grabbed me.

- I can explain that.

- He can. I promise.

He's not creepy.

- So, I've been following you

and I found out where you live.

- Uh, how is that not creepy?

- You are making it sound

a little creepy, hon.

Okay, it sounds creepy, I admit it.

Lorne's a little creepy, but

he has a good heart. I'm Ned.

- I'm Alex.

- Tell her what you found out.

I consulted this book of dark secrets.

What is that, the Necronomicon?

It's a history of Manhattan real estate.

Now your building was erected in 1851

as a single family residence.

(Lorne laughing)

You said erected.

(phone ringing)

I'm sorry, go on.

Three workers died in the construction.

The first owners were Ephraim

and Fanny Wigglesworth.

- Sorry, seriously?

- [Lorne] Funny names, huh?

They are, they really are.

They suffered horrible deaths.

Their three-year-old

daughter got a hold of a g*n.

See now, if they had also had g*ns,

they would've been able

to defend themselves.

The only thing that can stop

a bad toddler with a g*n...

Anyway, the girl shot off

their knees and their genitals.

(g*n shots, screaming)

They slowly bled to death,

and the girl starved

and died in her own filth.

(snorts) Fanny (laughs).

(Alex laughing)

They were all found in

the third floor parlor.

- Which is now our apartment.

- Right. After that,

it was home to a civil w*r surgeon

who came home and dismembered his family,

some circus folk who died in

a knife-throwing accident,

a mad artist who mixed her

own blood with the paint

until she didn't have any left.

- Gross.

- There have been

193 homicides,

117 suicides,

37 heart attacks,

three autoerotic asphyxiations,

one death by

peanut allergy,

42 fatal falls down the stairs,

eight deaths by fire,

one tenant eaten by his own dog.

I wish they had told

me they allowed dogs.

We've been really wanting to get one.

- Aw.

- The point is,

every time someone new has

signed a lease on your unit,

three people have died, exactly three.

The number three came

up on my television set.

And then right after my

friend died, it said two.

Right. The apartment's

going to k*ll two more people.

Now, the building's

had a number of owners.

In 1989, it was purchased

by a shell company

owned by a holding company owned by an LLC

with a PO box in Romania.

So we have no idea who the real owner is,

but the lease holder on

your unit is Reena Baker.

Now, since you're not

actually on the lease...

No, technically we're subletting.

Yes, so I think Reena Baker is using you

to get the three deaths outta the way

so she can move back in.

Ah! Okay, well then, how come the ghosts

are coming after me sometimes

when I'm not even in the apartment?

And why aren't they going after her?

Well, how the hell should I know?

You think there's a rule book on all this?

- No, I just...

- Excuse me, I know

how disappointing it must be

that I've only been able

to unravel 170 years

of well hidden history,

cross-reference hundreds

of coroners' reports,

and derive a pattern,

the understanding of which

may save your very life.

- Thank you.

- I'm sorry that I'm not

also able to fully explain the realm

beyond this mortal coil.

- I am very grateful.

What do I do?

I don't know.

You could probably Airbnb it,

let someone else take the hit.

I'm not gonna invite

people to be k*lled.

It's gonna happen one way or the other.

Even if you move out, it's

just gonna get somebody else.

Isn't there a way to drive

the evil out of the apartment?

- Yes.

- No.

Someone with a stronger psychic force

could drive the evil out.

- Stronger than what?

This apartment feeds on

souls. It's already eaten 500.

It's stronger than you can imagine.

It's going to take two more souls soon,

and it's not gonna be ours. I'm sorry.

There's gotta be somebody.

This guy gave me his card once.

He claims he's a psychic.

He's probably full of sh*t.

Most of them are.

I don't know what else to tell you.

What about this Baker

woman? Where is she?

Oh, you don't wanna go looking for her.

Trust me.

She lives on Staten Island.

(ferry horn)

Oh, I am going to lay into her so hard.

Yeah, but you said she was an old lady.

I don't care.

She used us as ghost bait.

You better hold me back,

or I'm gonna turn her into a ghost.

God!

(ominous music)

(phone ringing)

Oh my God, could Ben have worse timing?

Hey Alex, are you sure

this is the right place?

It looks like a storage facility.

I know, right? Well,

they've got a unit number.

Oh, hello.

- Ms. Baker?

- Please come in.

All right, you old bat,

you have some serious explaining to do.

Ms. Baker, do you live in here?

It's all I can afford.

Uh-uh, don't gimme some pity party

while you're literally trying

to k*ll my husband and I.

- My husband and me.

- Not now, Hedy.

I'm sorry. I didn't

know what else to do.

And we pay you two grand a month.

I mean, that's not a lot.

But come on, you can do better

than a storage unit on Staten Island.

That's barely enough

to cover my medications.

You don't know me.

When my husband died, I lost the house.

Our son OD'd.

I didn't have anyone to help me.

I thought I was going to be homeless.

And then I found what looked

like the perfect apartment

at a price I could actually afford.

I didn't know its history.

After I moved in, things

started happening.

When I found out the

truth about the place,

I was scared.

I didn't know what to do.

It was trying to k*ll me.

I know. I am so sorry for your losses.

I guess you were just doing

what you thought you had to do.

Look,

maybe there's a way that we

could drive the ghost out,

and then you could move back in.

Do you think that's possible?

Honey, two days ago,

I didn't think any of this

was possible, so who knows?

But listen, what you did was still wrong.

I know. I just didn't know what to do.

I thought that that colored broker,

she might rent it to some coloreds

and then it wouldn't matter so much.

- I'm sorry, what?

- Or maybe some q*eers.

I mean, who's gonna miss them?

Or maybe the Japs. Those

slanty-eyed b*stards

are taking over the neighborhood.

It's not good.

- Oh my God!

- What?

- Okay, we're going.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

- Young lady, language.

- Oh my God!

We are gonna drive those ghosts out,

but you are never getting

that apartment back,

you r*cist, h*m* b*tch!

- How dare you?

Don't engage. It was

really nice to meet you.

Make America great again!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no!

Well, that could have gone worse.

I really don't see how.

Mm, she called you young lady.

Oh God, Hedy,

look, I still don't have any answers.

I have no money. I have

no career, effectively,

and I am about to be

homeless. I have nothing.

That is not true.

You have a beer.

- And that is a good thing.

- And you have a friend.

- Almost as good.

- What about that guy

that the couple from Coney

Island referred you to?

Well, I wouldn't exactly

call it a referral.

They gave me some guy's card

and said he's probably full of sh*t.

Hmm, beggars and choosers.

Hedy, I can't thank you enough.

I think you literally saved my life.

And I mean "literally" literally.

Just that you believed me.

Of course I believe

you, and I believe in you.

You will never have nothing

because I will always

be there if you need me.

I think I know something

that will cheer you up.

There is a show tune for every situation.

- Not haunted apartments.

- Yes.

Hey, do you have the karaoke tracks

for the Edgar Allan Poe musical?

Yes!

(music)

When I'm wakened in the night

By creaking footsteps in the hall

Or the crying of a cat

That I've bricked up inside the wall

I think of you and suddenly

I'm not scared of them at all

For the passion that you stir

Could make the House of Usher fall

Thoughts of you haunt me

Like evil spirits, they taunt me

And if you don't want me

I'll get drunk and

go die in the street

I can't be near you

My conscience tells me to fear you

With fettered words, my dear, you

Enchain me in this

prison that's so sweet

Even on a midnight dreary

I'll never get weary,

if it's yes to my query, my dearie,

let's elope on the double.

We'll make a castle out of a hovel.

I give you my heart till death do us part,

maybe longer if I can find a shovel.

Can a passion once entombed

Return to life when re-exhumed

Tell me that my hopes aren't doomed

And the love that I crave

won't get left in the grave

Ravens are singing

My heart's a pendulum swinging

Can't help it, I'm flinging

Myself into this dangerous new start

We can't be apart

So please don't break

My tell-tale heart

(audience applauding)

- Oh, Hedy.

- Oh wow.

I don't know how you always manage

to make me feel better.

I don't know how I

managed to let you go.

- Oh God.

- Sorry.

- I gotta go.

- Go where?

I can't stay with you anymore.

(ominous music)

Hello?

(phone ringing)

[Ben on phone] Alex?

Ben, hi, how are you?

I've been worried sick.

You haven't answered my

calls. Is everything okay?

Yeah, everything's fine.

I'm just here in our

apartment. Everything's normal.

Everything's clean and...

Everything's clean and tidy.

Oh yeah, great,

'cause I guess I'm not

around to mess stuff up, huh?

(typewriter clacks)

I gotta go.

Hold on, hold on. I

gotta tell you something.

- No, I'll call you back.

- I'm on my way home.

I left the conference early

'cause I was worried about you. Alex?

(typewriter clacks)

You shouldn't have come back!

(phone ringing)

[Voice on phone] Good evening.

Hi, uh, is this "The Great Manfredo?"

Why, yes.

Do you do emergency house calls?

(carnival music, fireworks)

- Oh no!

- What?

That apartment,

it's going to k*ll the last two people.

We've got to go!

- What, and be the two people?

You don't understand.

If you knew, deep down in your soul knew

somebody was going to be hurt,

you'd do everything you could to stop it.

That's why I'm trying to stop you.

Fine, let's go.

How can there be no cars available?

Subway.

- Subway.

Come on, come on, come

on, come on, come on.

- That doesn't help.

- Shut up.

- Don't tell me to shut up.

- Don't talk to me.

I have to warn you, this is

some pretty f*cked up sh*t.

Since I was small child,

I have been in constant communication

with the spirits of the other side.

The phantom,

the wampyr,

the were vulva,

They frighten me not.

Okay, well, this is the place.

This is quite charming.

Oh, you say that now.

You have all this space to yourself?

Oh no, I share this with my husband.

And where is he now?

Oh, business trip.

Oh, how inconvenient.

All right, how do we

start? What do we do?

First, we must brew some tea.

Okay.

Eat-in kitchen... How much you pay?

Can we just stick to...?

Okay, well, I've got

Sleepy Time and chamomile.

There's some mint, and...

- I have brought my own.

It must be loose leaves for me to read.

Oh, okay, but we're not just gonna

have like a fortune telling thing, right?

We're gonna have a full-on

exorcism, right?

I was about 12 years old

when I performed my first exorcism.

You will have peace in this house tonight.

I swear upon my life.

Okay.

Make yourself at home.

[Announcer] Stand clear

of the closing doors.

- [Lorne] Finally.

- What stop is it?

- Um, 2nd Avenue.

- 24 stops away.

I must read your palm.

Is this really necessary?

Yes, yes indeed, it is.

Have no fear, my dear.

Uh, this is making me

really uncomfortable.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, no, no, no, no, oh,

no, no, no, no, no! Oh no!

You look faint, my dear.

Perhaps the spirits have overcome you.

Oh no! Oh, no, no, no!

Stop it!

But you called me in

the middle of the night,

when your husband was

away, and I have come to

(door bursting)

Holy f*ck, what was that?

Oh my God!

Ow!

Augh!

How did you do that?

Ah, oh!

I'm sh1tting myself. I'm

actually sh1tting myself.

Oh my God!

I'm still sh1tting!

Still think it's charming?

(neck snapping)

(dramatic music)

For Christ's sake,

I know you're just

walking slowly behind me

to scare the bejesus out of me.

Just f*cking catch me

already and get it over with.

(dildo squeaking)

Really? The basement is the only option?

m*therf*cker!

[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

we are being held momentarily

by the train's dispatcher.

Thank you for your patience.

(old record playing)

Hello, Georgie, hello, George

(Alex screaming)

Are you sure you're all alone?

Oh, you've come to see my masterpiece!

Are you sure you're all alone?

Oh, oh!

(ghoul laughing)

(Alex screaming)

(whistle howling)

Oh my God.

You look like you could use a drink.

Yes, because I

survived. I am the victor.

I won, and I am never going

into that apartment again.

I don't care what Ben says.

I've had some apartments

like that myself.

Oh God! Hey, is there a place back there

where I could plug this in?

- Sure.

Thank you so much.

Oh, well, at least I have a few days

before I have to try to

explain things to Ben.

(messages chiming)

I guess you missed some messages.

Oh, God. What does it say?

Uh, Ben: "I am coming home,"

"I am at Grand Central."

- No, no, no, no.

- "Just got a cab."

"I'm almost home."

- Oh, no, no!

"Pulling up now."

Oh, no, no, no!

Come on, pick up!

(phone buzzing)

[Ben's voicemail]

Hey, you've reached Ben.

Don't leave a message

'cause it's really not a thing anymore.

(phone beeping)

- Ben, whatever you do,

do not go into that

apartment! Do not go upstairs!

The apartment is going to

k*ll one more person tonight,

and I am not f*cking

around! Do not go upstairs!

That place sounds like a real sh*t h*le.

Oh God, I gotta go!

(unholy howling)

Alex!

We just need one more.

- Don't go in.

- I have to.

- Don't go in.

- I have to.

- I can't lose you.

- You're not going to.

Ben!

Oh, I see you've met our roommates.

Oh, sh*t.

Stop!

They can't hurt us. I won't let them.

No, but you can hurt each other.

Ben! Ben!

Ben, Ben, Ben, what are you doing?

Ben, what are you doing?

I don't know.

What did I do?

What did I do?

(Lorne wheezing)

It's not his fault.

He can't be blamed.

I can't regret

doing good.

We were young back then,

But not too young to know

I wonder if you knew

How much I loved you so

Lost at sea, we were drifters there

Not headed for the coast

Memories of holding you

Waft right in like a ghost

(Alex knocking)

[Reena] I'm not here!

Okay, you win.

You were counting on the

apartment to k*ll three people,

and now you could go claim your reward.

I hope you feel just great about it.

That's kind of you.

You could've hidden it

and kept the apartment for yourself.

You think I still wanna live there?

Oh honey, please! Lemme

tell you something.

There is nothing in that apartment

that is as evil as you.

You flatter me.

Let's go.

Memories of lovin' you

- There's no place like home.

Enfold me like a ghost

That's when I miss you

Most of all

Hey!

I miss you most

- How is he?

- Seems like he'll be okay.

It's a miracle.

Ned, I'm so sorry.

- Can we see him?

- It's, uh, probably better

if you stay away for now.

Cops still have a lot of

questions about exactly how this

woodworking accident happened.

I'm so sorry.

(Reena panting)

(eerie music)

Home again, home again, jiggity jig!

Oh sh*t.

(Reena screaming)

(flesh tearing)

(thud)

(Christmas music)

Hey now!

Thank you.

I still think you're brave to stay.

Well, supposedly we're safe for now,

but if somebody else moves

in, they wouldn't be.

At least that's what Lorne

said when I asked him.

When you axed him?

- Not funny.

- What?

I thought, you two buried the hatchet.

Okay, don't...

Thank you.

So the old lady stays on the lease.

Yep. She's got no family.

So as long as we pay the rent,

apparently nobody knows she's gone.

(Ben knocking on wood)

(something knocking back)

(intercom buzzing)

(unearthly moaning)

Uh, think that's Lorne and Ned.

Hi, welcome! Wou're looking wonderful.

Hey, hey! Hey, welcome.

Could I get you a drink?

Oh no, thank you.

When I drink now it all dribbles

out the hole in the front.

(Lorne laughing)

May I make a toast please?

Here's to good friends

and an apartment big

enough to entertain them.

Seriously!

When is the last time you

saw a Manhattan apartment

with an eat-in kitchen?

Listen people, and listen well

I've got myself a little story to tell

The kind that make you sweat

Turn you into wreck

Make the hair stand up

on the back of your neck

f*cking ghosts!

All right, fine!

It was a little funny.

- See?