12x02 - Sun Darts

[bunniefuu]

♪

Your pal was telling a fight
story that was obviously fake

the other day.
- How'd you know it was fake?

Way too much talkins.

Yous gonna have a smoke soons?

I was gonna have a
smoke pretty soon, yeah.

- I mights have a smoke now.
- Alright, I'd have a smoke.

Yeah... Do you want to
hear my story or what?

[lighter flicking]

- Here we go now.
- I'm down Chilean Patagonia

in Rio Serrano's finest
piscina and who do I see?

The ripest tittied
Chilean Patagonian

I've ever seen and
not by a c-hair.

Oh yeah, what was her name?

Then she starts Frenchin'
me. Outta nowhere.

Showing you how things are done
down in Chileans Patagonias.

But then I feel a
tap on my shoulder.

I turn around and this great big
fella, he grabs me by the collar.

Had to be a foot taller than me.

Couldn't believe
how tall he was.

What was he about 250lbs?

He was 300lbs or I'm a Panda.

- Big boy.
- It's pandemonium.

So I look him, dead in the eyes,

and I says to him I says,
"Excuse me, big papi,

I'm busy with this senorita."
- Uh-oh.

He looks down at me...

He wasn't already lookin' at ya?

And he says to me he says,

"You're either crazy, or
you're tough as hell."

And what did you says?

I says "Look me in
my eyes, el capitane.

I might be a bit of both."

Like, you know what I mean, like I
might be both crazy and tough as...

Seems like you have lots
of conversations like this

with really big guys rights before you
gets into a fights, ehs, McMurrays?

[laughing]
- It didn't end there.

- Well, let's say it did.
- Oh, oh, oh now.

Are you saying you doubt that this
ever happened, Squirrelly Dan?

- Which times?
- Which time?

- Yeah, which times?
- Wayne!

Oh keep your t*ts on, McMurray.

Everybody knows this sort of sh*t happens
down there all the time. Eh, Squirrelly D?

f*ck, now that I think of
it, almost exact same thing

happened to me last time I was down
Puerto Vallarta's Zona Romantica.

Eh, Squirrelly D? [chuckling]

- Who's Zona Romantica?
- Oh, yeah.

Puerto Vallarta's
Zonas Romanticas.

- What happened, Wayne?
- See, I'm just standing there

drinkin' a beer, minding my own
business, next thing I know,

this great big prick walks up,
kicks me right in the stomach.

He was 350lbs or
I'm a Banjo Catfish.

- What did you do?
- I caught his foot in the air,

looked him dead in the eye
and I says, "Hey, muchacho...

No bueno."
- You see, Squirrelly D?

Did I ever tells you guys
what happeneds to me last time

I was down Governadors Valderes?
- No, sir. You did not.

I was breaking the ice over
c*ck with this little chicas.

Her arms were hairier than his.

Sits down to tie my shoes,

when a literal giants...

He was 400lbs or I'm
a wet Pomeranian.

Walks rights up to me, smacks
the hats cleans off my heads.

- No!
- So I look skywards.

- He was big as a house.
- Looks him dead in the eyes

and I says to him I
says, "Gracias, Señors.

Mights I's has anothers?"
[chuckling] - Wicked.

Do you wanna know what, now that I
think of it, almost the exact same thing

happened to me last time I was
down San Salvador de Jujuy.

- I remember this ones.
- Except this time,

it was brothers. Just
walked right up to me

and just started
tousling my hair.


they weres talls.

These dudes flip bacon tarpless.

These dudes don't give a f*ck.
- How'd yous handle that one?

I said, "Hey, hermanos,

you better straighten
up and fly right."

The peoples oughtta
know! You know.

You think you're going down
having a nice relaxing vacay,

down in Sudamerica, you got
another thing comin', boy!

Nuevo Casas Grandes.

- Vitorios de Conquistas.
- Jauzerio de Norte.

Voltas Redondas.

Oh, he was 500lbs or
I'm a Humboldt Penguin.




Common House Spider.

- Golly.
- I says, "Hey, amigos ..."

- Compadre.
- Paisanos.

- Chum.
- Kick rocks.

Mind your P's and Q's.

Smoke 'em if you gots 'ems.

What the f*ck do I
want with a caravan

that's got no f*ck' wheels?
- Oh! Wow.

Is that right?
- No, McMurray.

For f*ck sakes...
- It's f*cking fakes, McMurrays.

Well, how the f*ck am I
supposed to know that?

Way too much talkin'.

[upbeat music]

Where's Dary?
- Quite contrary.

I didn't see him
all day yesterday.

You ever think Huey Lewis

sounds a bit like Sammy Hagar?

- And where's Dan?
- Right here.

There's a match made in heaven.

What?

Clear eyes, full
brims, can't lose.

You've always had
the Mennonite beard.

Now you've got
the Mennonite hat.

Just needs the B.O.

That usually sets
in after lunch.

- Check again.
- Here's Dan in this very smart

chapeau while I'm still puttin'
sunscreen on my ears like a sucker.

This guy's trendy, he's
hip, he's happenin'.

Pretty sure to wear that hat you've
gotta be able to run a four-minute mile.

You know, Dan, I'd pay
you for some fashion tips,

but I know how you Mennonites
like the honour system.

You already smell
like summer sausage.

This was a gifts
from Lovynas Dycks.

- Oh.
- Careful calling that a gift.

- Hope you kept the receipt.
- I'd call it a re-gift.

But f*ck can they run.

You know, the more times I
spends with her and her peoples,

the mores I see merits
in that lifestyles.

You know, hard
work, peace-making,

general service towards others.

Yeah, and f*ck' poopin'
into a bucket in the yard.

Dressing for winter all summer
sounds like a great time, Dan.

Nothin' like the prospect
of shittin' into a hole

to make you wanna shake
things up a bit, eh?

Black flies can't get
to the backs of my ears

as easilys, neithers.

- Jimmy Dickens, how're ya now?
- Good'n you?

- Not s'bad.
- Pretty sure to wear that hat

you've gotta be able to throw
a barn up on lunch break.

What brings you by?

Yous have always known me

as a mono-career man.

The auctioneering profession has
been kind to me over the years.

The job is in my soul.

But is it in my heart?

The plot thickens
for Jim Dickens.

What's in your heart, big fella?

- Country music.
- Countrys musics?

Country and western music, yes.

- Is that right?
- Now, my love for the Boogie...

- The Boot Scootin?
- Yes, my love

of the Boot Scootin' Boogie
is no secret in these parts.

But what I have kept a
closely guarded secret,

is my lifelong desire to give
it a run like Brooks and Dunn.

Get your fix like the Chicks?

I'm good and keen
like Jason Aldean.

Verse to the chorus
like Marens Morris.

No restrain like Shania Twain.

Do it for the thrill like
Vince Gill or Faith Hill.

But see, I wanna be better than
good like Carrie Underwood.

Then quit stallin',
Morgan Wallen.

- Get tryin' Luke Bryan.
- Seize the days like Ladys A's.

Y'all are so nice.
Like Lee Bice.

You know, Huey Lewis is supposed to
have the biggest horn in rock'n roll.

Oh, you know, Sammy's
got a hammer too.

My plan is to jump
in head first.

Write a song. Make
a music video.

Put it on YouTube,
see what happens.

That's what YouTube's
for, cowboy.

Just throwin' sh*t on the
wall and seein' what sticks.

Now, I know how much
yous love country music.

- No.
- Yous don't love country music?

- No.
- But... you're farmers.

- Yup.
- You wear plaid,

you shovel sh*t,
you grow vegetables,

you live in the country.
You quite literally exist

in the heart of the genre.

But you don't love
country music.

Not even a bit?
- Not one bits.

- Not one drill bit.
- Not one bell pepper.

Yahtzee.

Well, do you wanna
know what, I guess I...

I guess I do like it a wee bit.

- That'll do!
- Yeah, a dab'll do ya.

- Everything in moderation.
- Small doses is all rights.

I need all the help I can get.

And when a friend
asks for help...

[together]: You help' em.

Thank you, friends.

Now come.

Let's join the others.

The others?

- Squirrelly Dan.
- Stewrats.

Pretty sure to wear that hat

you have be able to
pickle peas with ease.

Who amongst us is
familiar with AI?

Artificial intelligence.

Correct. Roald and
I were forced to use

artificial
intelligence because...

You have no actual intelligence?

[hissing]
- Because we possess limited

knowledge of country music,
Sharon, Lois and Brim.

- Country and western.
- How do you know what AI is?

That's what porno sites use to show
you what you might like to jerk off to.

Through the use of
AI found on the...

[both]: Dark Web.
- Roald and I were able

to determine the two
essential elements necessary

in constructing a hit
country music song.

[farting]

The two essential elements
necessary in constructing

a hit country music
song are as follows.

Number one: a unique hook.

Which must also be used
as the title of the song.

- Thank Gods I'ms A Countrys Boys?
- Dig deeper.

- 5 O'clock Somewheres?
- Deeper.

Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy!

[neighing]
- Giddy-up.

And that particular title
teaches us a valuable lesson

in the process: just
because it's unique,

doesn't mean it can't be dumb.

Dumb is almost preferable
in a unique hook

for a hit country song.
- Country and western!

We're looking for contagious
dialogue here, people!

Quotables!

- She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy?
- Dumber.

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem?

- Dumber.
- I've got it.

Beer For My Horses.

Bingo!

Or an activity. Something
that you all do,

something along the lines
of, oh I don't know...

Fishin' In The Dark.

Darts?
- I was gonna say that too.

It's mostly just smokin' darts.

But it needs to be more catchy,

more crafty, more clever.

Needs to be more... poetic.

How about... Smokin'
Darts In the Rain?

- No, you can'ts do thats.
- Because then your...

Because then your
dart would go out.

Okay, so you're smokin'
darts when it's dry.

Well, it'll have to
be dry to smoke 'em.

Dry darts... blue sky darts...

- Best darts are whens it's warms.
- Hot darts?

We're not tryin' to
f*ck darts, McMurray.

I'll try anything once.

Smokin' in the summer...

- Smokin' summer darts...
- Smokin' in the sun...

Darts when it's sunny. It's...

[gasping]

[both]: Sun Darts.

Our hit single shall
be christened...

Sun Darts!

It's perfect.

[moaning]

Katy.
- What's number two?

What Dan takes into a bucket

behind the house by
the looks of him.

The second essential
necessary element in writing

a hit country song? [laughing]

As much hick sh*t as possible.

- What?
- The goal with number two

is to trigger the emotions or
tug the heart strings of hicks.

And you do that by packing in

as much hick sh*t
as humanly possible.

And at the top of that
list should and shall be...

yer mama, and yer daddeh.

Hyper important to any hit
country and western single:

yer mama, and yer daddeh.

What are you supposed to say
about yer mama, and yer daddeh?

The meaning is irrelevant.

Of importance are the
words: mama and daddeh.

So just... yer mama
and yer daddeh?

Well, yer mama and yer daddeh...

My mama and my daddeh.

So it could be anybody's mama
or could be anybody's daddeh?

Could be more than one mama
and more than one daddeh.

If you've got multiple
mamas and daddehs,

you're really rockin'.

Everyone loves a good story,

but this genre is
impossibly forgiving

when it comes to
logic in the message.

You've already got
your unique hook...

[all]: Sun darts.

Now you need only insulate it

with as much hick
sh*t as possible.

Like...
- Trucks?

- Truck parts even.
- Dirt roadins?

- Muddin!
- Blue jeans!

Your favorite jean jacket.

Sunsets, steel toes,
swimmin' holes!

And there you have it!

The formula!

[together]: What do we do now?

Roald and I will engross
ourselves in manufacturing

the song using AI,
algorithms and bots.

Then...

We shall reconvene
to sh**t the video.

sh**t the video.

Here's somethin', my
first time jerkin off

was to Shania Twain's
midriff in the video

for Any Man Of Mine.

Let's go, girls.

[rock music]

- Don't bother, bro.
- Huh?

- She's a babe.
- She's a mega babe.

- She's a 10ski.
- She's a 12ski.

- But she's unavailable.
- How do you know?

It's almost not worth repeating.

- What isn't?
- What she said to us

when we took a run at her.
- You took a run at her?

[laughing]
- Of course we did, bro.

You miss a hundred of
the shots you don't take.

- A hundred percent, buddy.
- A hundred percent?

- Hundy p.
- What did she say?

Well, we started
with the standard...

- He's Reilly.
- And he's Jonesy.

[both]: And we're
from Letterkenny.

And then?

She said they look like a
couple dads from Teen Mom.

[chuckling]
- Really?

Then she said they look like

if Dorito's made humans.

Then she asked me if I'd ever been
told I look like Charly Hunnam.

And I said no. And
then she said...

I said you didn't let me finish.

You look like Charly Hunnam's
funhouse mirror reflection.

- Almost not worth repeating.
- You look like Charlie Hunnam

if he was born in Chernobyl.
- Last time we try to wheel you.

I've seen better wheels on
a Dodge Neon at the dump.

Hey, are you that
really funny guy

my brother was telling me about
from the bar the other night?

- I don't think so.
- I think you are.

Six feet tall, blue
cover-alls, cute curly hair.

It's Daryl, right?
- Yes.

- I'm Harley.
- Oh, like Harley Davidson?

I was named after
Topper Harley, actually.

You wanna come to a party?

While d*ck Skin
rehearses the number,

we shall tackle the video.

Through the use of polling.
- Mmm, polling.

- Roald.
- Stewart.

Roald and I were able to
determine the two essential

elements necessary in constructing
a hit country music video.

Remember when you said the
first time you ever jerked off

was to Shania Twain's
video for Any Man Of Mine?

- Yeah.
- I'd have thought you'd said...

That Don't Impress Me Much?

No, I'd have thought
that he'd said...

If You're Not In It For Love.
- I'm Outta Here?

Yeah, If You're Not In It
For Love, I'm Outta Here.

She was pretty sexy in the video
for Man I Feel Like A Woman.

- Too many dudes in that one.
- Funny you mention it.

Because the first
time I ever jerked off

was to that Shania Twain video.
- Roald.

I thought, isn't this funny?

Who'd have thought I'd be jerking
off to a Shania Twain video?

[laughing]

Number one! Man stuff.

- What's man stuffs?
- Come here, I'll show ya.

Well, basically, things
that yous would do

every single day of your
lives, but things Roald and I

may never do in the entirety
of our existence... ces.

- Such as?
- Fixin' your truck.

- Shootin' skeet.
- Cookin' meat.

- Fishin'.
- Arm wrasslin'.

Chuckin' the ol'
pig skin around.

Just hawkin' a big
loogie. [spitting]

- Starting a fire.
- Maybe putting a little

sunscreen on each others backs.

Swingin' an axe.

Take a nice dip
in the lake after.

- Chugging a beer.
- Maybe a shirtless

shoving match
after. I don't know.

[laughing]

We're gonna sh**t you guys

performing a plethora
of man stuff.

An abundance of man stuff.

An overabundance of man stuff.

A super abundance!

But for now...
just smokin' darts.

Just smokin' darts in
this parts of the yards?

Right there, this part
of the yard. In the sun.

Why would we come out to this part
of the yard just to smoke some darts?

Wanna know what, I can remember
actually smoking multiple darts

at the same time in
this part of the yard.

- That's called poly-dartins.
- Polly Dartin!

That was my drag name briefly.

I was workin' 6 to 9.

But wait. What's the
number two thing?

What Dan takes into a bucket

behind a big Maple tree,
by the look of him.

The second essential element
necessary in constructing

a hit country music video.
- Stewart.

Babes.

You ever been out here before?

I'm from Donegal.

Everyone there says if
you're coming to Letterkenny,

this is the spot.

See anyone you know?

- No.
- Daryl!

[laughing]

That stuffed shirt can suck
cold sh*t through a wool sock!

He's been saying that all week.

I see you met my sister.

This is the dude who
owes me a shot, right?

Can confirm. How'd
you find him?

Who says good men
are hard to find?

I got one for you, big chief.

You take your sister
to the plowing match

and everyone tries to
plow her! [laughing]

Daryl.

I thought you said you
didn't know anyone here?

- He's an acquaintance.
- An acquaintance?

I'm hurt by that, Daryl.

There was a time you
thought I was a good guy.

Thought you were
a really good guy.

You thought I was a great guy.

But now you think
I'm just a... what?

He said acquaintance.

You've walked right into
the lion's den, Daryl.

Lion's Den? I thought it
was called The Mansion?

It was.

Right before we started
calling it The Palace.

For a short while there,
we called it The Kingdom.

But now it's The Lion's Den.

Yous seem a bit on edge, gents.

Care to smoke a gate way?
- Yeah, sort yourselves out.

- He ain't one of us.
- One of who?

- Us.
- Us or yous?

- Us and yous.
- So we're us?

- You're yous.
- And we're yous?

- We're yous.
- Wait, what are yous?

- Us.
- We're all us.

Except Daryl.
- A hick.

- I'm a hick.
- I'm a hick.

No, Daryl has a
different name for us.

What is it you call us, Daryl?

Go on.

Tell your new pals what it
is you hicks like to call us.

Degens.

Sure. Sure.

Yeah, I always
thought I was a hick,

but I guess I could
be a bit of a degen.

I'm a bit of a degen too.

You know what...

So is Daryl, he's a degen.

No, I'm not.

You're still in
your barn clothes.

A hot-a*s girl invites
you out to a party.

- You mean, your sister?
- And you didn't even think

to change out of
your muddy rubbers?

That's sh*t on those rubbers.

Even more degen of him.

- But I don't mind.
- Your hair's dirty.

Teeth are yellow. You got food
down the front of your shirt

and even wiped your
nose on your sleeve.

The smell of darts on you

is more overpowering
than the manure stink.

Look around, good buddy.

You don't stand
out. You fit in!

I think it's about time you start
looking at yourself in the mirror.

Like, you always thought
you were a hick, but...

you're a degen.

Folks, you've always known
me as a mono-career man.

The auctioneering profession has
been kind to me over the years.

The job is in my soul.

But the amount of time I've spent
denying what is truly in my heart...

Well, frankly, it
sickens Jim Dickens.

This week, and
throughout this journey,

I have truly learned that
when a friend asks for help,

well, gosh darn, you help them.

Thank you to all of my friends.

- And AI.
- Algorithms!

- Bots!
- Them too.

Thank you.

Today, I give it a run
like Brooks and Dunn.

Get your fix like the Chicks.

I'm good and keen
like Jason Aldean.

Verse to the chorus
like Marens Morris.

No restrain like Shania Twain.

Do it for the thrill like
Vince Gill or Faith Hill.

But see, I wanna be better than
good like Carrie Underwood.

Then quit stallin',
Morgan Wallen.

Yeah, get tryin' Luke Bryan.

Seize the days like Ladys A's.

Y'all are so nice.
Like Lee Bice.

So you don't think Huey Lewis

sounds a wee bit
like Sammy Hagar?

Ladies and gentlemen,
without further adieu...

We're talking about Sun Darts.

[applause]

{\an8}[country music playing]

♪ Her daddy was a dr*fter ♪

♪ Her momma just wasn't right ♪

♪ Her brother said forgive her
But her sister put up a fight ♪

♪ But when the moon goes
down and the lights come up ♪

♪ It's a lonely one ♪

♪ If you need me I'll be
smoking darts in the sun ♪

♪ Talkin' bout sun darts ♪

♪ Talkin' bout broken hearts ♪

♪ Talkin' bout teenage
love and truck parts ♪

♪ Talkin' bout county
fairs and golf-karts ♪

♪ Take me right back to
the start Sun darts ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Steel toe, country livin'
Softball, Southern women ♪

♪ Dirt bike, hitch hike,
big pike, f*ck' right ♪

♪ Muddin, pissin, huggin, kissin,
freaky techno music dissin' ♪

♪ Just my high school
sweetheart that I'm missin' ♪

♪ I might be too
drunk to fire a g*n ♪

♪ So if you need me I'll be
smoking darts in the sun ♪

♪ Talkin' bout sun darts ♪

♪ Talkin' bout broken hearts ♪

♪ Talkin' bout teenage
love and truck parts ♪

♪ Talkin' bout county
fairs and golf-karts ♪

♪ Take me right
back to the start ♪

♪ Sun darts ♪

♪ Talkin' bout sun darts ♪

♪ Yer mama and yer daddeh ♪

♪ I'm talkin' bout sun darts ♪

♪ Talkin' bout sun darts ♪

♪ Yer mama and yer daddeh ♪

♪ Talkin' bout sun darts ♪

♪ Yer mama and yer daddeh ♪

♪ Yeah I might be too
drunk to fire a g*n ♪

♪ So if you need me I'll be
smoking darts in the sun ♪

♪ Out there with everyone ♪

♪ Talkin' bout sun darts ♪

♪ Talkin' bout broken hearts ♪

♪ Talkin' bout teenage
love and truck parts ♪

♪ Talkin' bout county
fairs and golf-karts ♪

♪ Take me right
back to the start ♪

♪ Hell yeah sun darts ♪

♪ Talkin' bout broken hearts ♪

♪ Talkin' bout teenage
love and truck parts ♪

♪ Talkin' bout county
fairs and golf-karts ♪

♪ Take me right
back to the start ♪

♪ Sun darts ♪

♪ Steel toe, country livin'
Softball, Southern women ♪

♪ Dirt bike, hitch hike,
big pike, f*ck' right ♪

♪ Muddin, pissin, huggin, kissin,
freaky techno music dissin' ♪

♪ Just my high school
sweetheart that I'm missin' ♪

♪ I might be too
drunk to fire a g*n ♪

♪ So if you need me I'll be
smoking darts in the sun ♪