05x00 - Super Hard Easter

[bunniefuu]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

This is going to be
a super hard Easter.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

She's a bit f*ck' drafty
in here this mornin', eh?

Why don't you guys
just get a blanket?

It's really toasty in here.

Oh, it's not that f*ck' cold.

No, it's not drafty's
enough for blankets.

Oh, look. Here
comes Dary hopping in.

Bet he'd take a silk shawl

if you got one for him, Katy.

Oh, wouldn't Dary look so
smart in a cashmere wraps?

Or maybe a pashmina afghans.

Attention, one and all.

So, you're just going
to pretend you didn't

hear us talkin' about
you like that then, eh?

Everything is in place

for the super hard
Easter egg hunt.

f*ck futter.

Oh, sure, it's
Dary's turn this year.

Yeah, it's my turn.

Feels like it hasn't
been my turn in...

About four years?

Yeah, that's exactly
what it feels like.

'Cause it's been exactly
four years. Good enough.

Do you wanna know what? I
know we all like a good tradition...

And you don't f*ck with
tradition, big brother.

Not even for birthday parties

people don't especially love.

Well, I was just sayin' I know
that we all like a good tradition,

but this is the silliest
tradition that we got goin'.

Like, I'd rather kick rocks.

Yeah, I'm gonna nip this
in the... Just wait, McMurray

told me something I
wanted to tell you guys,

so I'm gonna tell you guys
something McMurray told me.

McMurray said he seen a dude

at the airport in the washroom

with his iPad on
top of the urinal

and he was, like, workin' on it

when he was rockin' a piss.

What's could be so urgents?

That's what I said. I said,
"What could be so urgent?"

I'm glad we got that sorted out.

Uh, Katy was about to
nip somethin' in the butt.

Yes, I was, Dary, but...

It's "Bud," Dary.

But, yes, I was.

As you guys know,
it's tradition to have

an Easter egg hunt
around the farm.

But... No buts.

'Kay.

But... But what?

Did I know that Easter
is a bastardized version

of a pagan holiday
based on rebirth

'cause it's set in the spring?
Well, I don't know, did ya?

Did I know that it's
a Christian version

of a Jewish holiday
called Passover that

Jesus was actually
probably celebrating

while he was getting
taken by the Romans

at the behest of the Pharisees?

Phari... Seems like
you're being a little bit

of a smart alec
over there, Katy.

Then no more buts.

She sure really punched
your tickets on that one, bud.

I will not have you ruining

another perfectly good holiday

or tradition with
your humbuggery.

Every year,

same holiday, same humbuggery.

Wayne's not a humbug.
Thank you, Dan.

No, I think you're more of a
curmudgeons. Oh, is that what I am?

Hmm, he's a poopy pants.

[SNICKERS] I will submits

that you have been
guilty of humbuggery,

curmudgeonry,

and, dare I says
it, poop-pantsery

on more than ones occasion.

Wayne? Katy.

You like Puppers?
Yeah, I like Puppers.

You like Gus N' Bru?
Yeah, I like Gus N' Bru.

Well... But.

No buts!

We get to drink both all day.

So, I say we just
get this rig rollin'

with the least amount
of humbuggery,

curmudgeonry, or poop-pantsery
as possible, shall we?

[GIGGLES]

Poop-pantsery...

Yeah, I know. Look, you
can put that on a T-shirt.

A pleasant reminder of the rules

for the traditional
Easter egg hunt.

Dary, it's that kind of
over-explainin' that will bring on

a good case of chapped-assery.
Pitter-patter, Dary.

As you know... Buck futter!

Wayne. Well, if we
already know it, Katy...

Each year, one of us
is tasked with painting

and hiding Easter
eggs all around the farm.

Can confirm.

The rules are as follows. 'Kay.

With the help of clues provided
by your host, who is moi,

you find the eggs.

And if you find an egg,
you do a shot of Gus N' Bru

and you chug a Puppers.

But no drinking
'til you find an egg.

Daryl, hey, Daryl,
what a tradition,

what a tradition, eh? Enough!

But remember,

the hunting grounds
are booby-trapped,

and if you find a
booby trap, you're out.

But if I stumbles
upon a booby's trap,

I can have as many
drinks as I wants, right?

Well, I'm not a monster, Dan.

I'm not gonna tell
you how to drink.

If I finds an eggs, I only gets

to have one Puppers and
one shots of Gus N' Brus.

So, what's my incentives
to finds an eggs?

I feel much more motivateds
to finds a booby's traps,

'cause I wants to be doin' as
many shots as I can, don'ts I?

You definitely do.

I'm not sures if that was a
compliments or not, Miss Katys,

but I'm gonna takes it as one.

So, if I finds an eggs, I
gets to have one drink,

and I can have as
many drinks as I want

if I finds a booby's trap. So...

Yeah, I know. We should be
just lookin' for a f*ck' booby trap.

Well, no. Then you won't
see how beautiful the eggs are.

You don't f*ck with tradition.

Hooray!

Let the wild hunt begin.

Well, it's not technically
the wild hunt. It's like...

Wayne. Fine.

But... No buts!

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[SNIFFLES]

Oh, hi, boys. I... I
didn't see you there.

Well, what are you
doing here, buddy?

Are you working out?

Am I what? You're
in a gym, buddy.

Oh. Am I?

I have... I hadn't even noticed.

Are you okay? You...
You look kinda bummed.

You bummed, Glen?
[CRYING] Is it that obvious?

Well, I mean,
between the tears...

And the Kleenex...
And the pouty lip...

Yeah, I guess, it's pretty
obvious that you're kind of...

[CRYING] Sad?
Oh, boys, I am sad.

Oh, my gourd, am I sad!

Well, why? What's the problem?

Well, it's Easter weekend,

and I want to put
on a Passion play.

Oh. We love theater,
boys. [SNIFFLES]

We smashed drama in high
school, bud. Class participation.

BOTH: Ferda!

How about... Let's
try this though.

I'll just explain it, and then
you don't talk for a while,

and it'll go faster, okay?

BOTH: Okay. Okay, great.

So, a Passion play
celebrates the life of the Christ

by depicting his
suffering, trial and death.

Sounds not that fun.

Yeah, it sounds like
it's not fun at all, really.

Oh, it's not.

But Jesus Christ, our Lord and
Savior, is the role I was born to play.

But I can't do it alone.

I need people to yell
at me and whip me

and tell me I'm terrible,

and I have no
congregation to participate.

Well, I mean, do you want us to help
you, buddy? We could help you, buddy.

Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

How would you boys like to be

my burly Roman centurions?

Like in 300? No, that's Sparta.

Just like 300! Wow.
If that's the only point

of comparison, I
guess, we can use 300.

BOTH: "This is Sparta!"

We are so in,
buddy. So in, buddy.

But if we're going
to be in 300...

No, no. No, no, no, no, no.

You're going to be
in a Passion play

with your friend Glen.

We should do some quick ab work

to tighten up. Nope.
No time for that.

Good call, buddy.
Only call, buddy.

BOTH: Ferda! No, boys,
there's no time for that.

I need you to help
me find someone

who's gonna yell at me

and judge me and
find me wanting.

So, you need
somebody to yell at you

and make you feel
bad about yourself? Yes.

You thinking about the
guy I'm thinking about?

I'm thinking about the
guy you're thinking about.

Ooh, I like mystery men.

[BOTH LAUGH] But first...

Abs. No.

[GROANS] No.

Okay, boys. No, this
is a real waste of time.

I mean, except that I can
see the work on your bodies.

It's very... [BOTH GRUNTING]

I mean, it's not a waste
of time in that sense.

It's working. You look great.

You both... We're not doing
this for very long though.

I won't just... This won't
become a full workout.

I won't let it. I don't
wanna see any more...

Ooh, I like the
twisty part. Yeah.

[SNORTING]

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

Something is off.

Amiss. Awry.

You got drips? You got really
bad drips? I got bad drips.

Where are Connor and
Darien? With their families.

Families? For Easter.

Easter?

Yes.

They're with their
families for Easter.

I heard you, Roald!

When will they be returning?

I don't know. But today
is Zombie Jesus Day.

I know that. Do you?

Do you now? I do.

And how do I like to celebrate

Zombie Jesus Day, Roald?

A celebration of all
things zombie and Jesus.

First, we watch The
Last Temptation of Christ,

then 28 Days Later...

followed by 28 Weeks Later,

which segues nicely into playing
The Last of Us 'til the meth runs out.

[SCOFFS] Exactly.

So, what do we do now?

Watch The Last
Temptation of Christ.

Without Connor's
crucial commentary

into Kazantzákis' oeuvre?

I'll remind you that this
is no Zorba the Greek.

We could still watch
the 28 Days movie.

Oh, can we?

Without Darien?

He's so obsessed
with Danny Boyle.

He even liked Sunshine.

[SCOFFS] That
would just be mean.

Could play The Last of Us.

Just the two of us?

What a way to celebrate a game

famed for its sophistication

and complexity, by
practically playing it alone!

And you don't count, Roald.

Thanks for nothing.

I'll figure something
out. I'm in a funk!

DAN: This is some
pretty good work.

KATY: Yeah, looks to scale.

I thinks it is to scales.

Pretty important
quality in a quality map.

Well, it's about the only
quality you need in a map.

Okay. Let's read the first clue.

"I'm the way to your heart,

"and I'm made of art."

That's some f*ck' serial k*ller
handwriting right there, isn't it?

Oh, that is the handwriting
of an unhappy mind.

You know, I only
writes in block letters

for readability's sakes.

What do you
mean, like, all caps?

That's exactly what I means.

That's a little bit serial
killery, too, don't you think?

I think it's easiers to read.

Well, I write in cursive,

but not too cursivey because
then it's really hard to read.

I agree, Miss Katys.

If the cursives is too strongs,

it just starts to
look like scribbles.

I can hear my grade three
teacher saying that now.

Who, Mrs. Hruska? Yeah.

She gave me my first
and only A plus, plus.

Oh, look at you.

But, you wanna know what?

I'm told they don't even teach
cursive in school anymore.

Really? You think I'd f*ck
around about something like that?

That's a shame.

You know, a good
handwriting is the hallmarks

of a good characters.

But I thought you said
you write in block letters.

Just because I don'ts
writes in cursives

doesn't mean I can'ts
writes in cursives.

You know, Dan, you've gone
ahead and called it a shame.

I'm gonna go ahead and
call it a g*dd*mn shame.

Kids need to learn how to do
things the old-fashioned way.

Pull themselves up
by the bootstraps.

Show some gumption.

Yeah, show some panache.

You know they used to
say it about me all the time.

They used to say,
"Kid's got panache."

Did they say that? Well, they
used to say it about me all the time.

Okay. Let's... Let's
read that first clue again.

Katy. [SIGHS]

"I'm the way to your heart,

"and I'm made of art."

f*ck's sake, Dary,
your stupid clues.

That is pretty f*ck'
stupid. [SIGHS]

Dary, are all your
clues this f*ck' stupid?

Well, they might be.

WAYNE: Hey, you're hammered, eh?

Hey, Dary, how hammered are ya?

[SMACKS LIPS] Very to a lot.

[SINGING] But I can
drink all the day long

Because I'm the host

And I know where the eggs are

WAYNE: Well, take a good 35

to 40% off her in there, bud,

'cause that's all the Gus N' Bru we
have and the liquor store's closed.

So, we can't go back
to the well 'til tomorrow.

We gotta find some eggs soon

'cause I can't be sober
around Drunk Dary.

Go hunt for the eggs.

Coach, have we got
a k*ller idea for you.

Best idea ever. Ferda! Ferda.

I doubt it. We want you to meet

the newest member of the
Letterkenny Irish coaching staff.

Ooh. Oh, my.

It's sticky in here! Oh.

Who are you? I'm Glen.
Let's coach some boys.

Is this a joke? It is not.

I would like you

to determine whether or not
a humble sinner like myself

would have a place
on your coaching staff.

I want you to judge
me, Pontius Pilate.

Act one, go!

[WHIP CRACKS]

[WHISPERS] He loves
judging people, boys.

[WHISPERS] It's his passion.

And this is a Passion play.

So, you wanna be a hockey coach?

Kind of. I want you to judge

whether or not I'd be good
at coaching hockey-ball.

You shouldn't coach hockey-ball

'cause you called it
hockey-ball! Okay.

All right? You wouldn't
know a face-off specialist

from a stay-at-home D-man.

I wouldn't, but I'd like to.

This is probably the most time
you've spent in a gym locker room.

It isn't, but let's
not get into it.

You probably call your as*h*le

your penalty box.

That is personal,

not true, and a good idea.

Thank you, Coach.

Boys, I feel like I
have been judged

and found wanting.
We're good to go.

Oh, I... I don't think so.

You don't get to float
in here, ruin my shvitz

with your funny little shits,

and then just walk out the door.

[SIZZLING]

We're just getting
started, boys.

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

But...

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

[CACKLING]

[SIGHS] Read it again.

[SNIFFLES]

"I'm the way to your heart..."

Well, that's something
food-related for sure.

"And I'm made of art."

f*ck's sake. Settle down.

[TRAP SNAPS] Ow, f*ck!

Settle down.

Look who found a booby trap.

Guess who gets to get
hammered now, boys.

Oh, bother.

Don't worry, big
brother. I'll help you look.

Read another clue.

"I'm soft and I'm hard.

"I'm right in your yard."

BOTH: f*ck, that's stupid.

WAYNE: Dary, I'm so
close to pulling the plug

on this entire f*cking thing,

if it wasn't tradition...

Where's Dan in all this?
Why isn't he helping?

Dan? Who is this
Dan you speak of?

For I'm known only
as, "The Winner."

And I found the
first booby's trap,

making me Easter champion.

Oh, bother. Are you hammered?

[BLOWS RASPBERRY] How
hammered are you, Squirrelly Dan?

A lot to very's.

Hey, I ever tell you guys
about the first Easter?

It was a long time ago,

and Jesus invited his
friends to his house

for dinner and he said,

"Hey, why don't you guys
have these chocolate eggs

"before the Romans come.

"And, Judas, would you mind
feeding my pet rabbit? Amen."

Outstanding.

Now everybody's
getting hammered but me.

You wanna know what, people
should only get hammered together,

so that you never have to see how
obnoxious your friends actually are.

Right, Katy?

KATY: Sorry, big brother.

Joining the parade.

Find the eggszzz...

WAYNE: Dary, there better
be some f*cking Gus N' Bru left

at the end of all this.

Hello, Roald.

Hi, Glen.

And hockey.

'Sup, Roald? 'Sup?

Where is your master,
under creature?

Resting.

Hmm. Makes sense. It is daytime.

Correct.

Wait, are they vampires?

What are you doing here?

Together?

We, and now you, are in
the midst of a Passion play.

Act two, you're welcome!

[WHIP CRACKS]

We're acting, buddy.
We're k*lling it, buddy.

It's such a pleasure
working with you.

You're so lovely
and talented, bro.

Oh, my God.

So, you need some
sort of Judas kiss,

and you thought of me.

Wrong! Calm ourselves.

[SIGHS]

No.

What I need to do is suffer.

So, I have come here,

to thee.

I'm not sure I know what
you mean by that, Glenjemin.

Don't thou?

Do I?

Doth thee?

What?

Exeunt.

Glen... [ROARS]

Does the resurrection
play a role in this

little ditty of yours?

She could be an encore,

I suppose.

I'm in then.

[GRUNTS]

Do you want us to leave, boys?

'Cause we could just leave or...

It's better because you're here.

Yeah, much better.

Cool. Cool.

Cool. Cool.

Wait... What?

f*ck, it's cold out here.

KATY: You should
get yourself a blanket.

DAN: I'm The Winner.

DARYL: Find the eggszzz...

McMurray, how are you...

Well, good and you...

Oh, not so...

f*ck with... McMurray.

I'm tryin' to ask you
if you like puzzles

even though I
know you f*ck' do.

So, get over here and
help me solve one...

But... No, I was...

PI... I'm trying to say please

and thank you. Get over here.

DARYL: Hey, guess
what? DAN: What?

DARYL: Chicken butt! [FARTS]

[DARYL AND DAN LAUGHING]

[GLEN GROANS]

Whip sound! Ouch.

Whip sound. Ooh, ouch.

"This is Sparta!"
No, no, it's not.

For Sparta! [GRUNTS] [GROANS]

GLEN: This is not how it went in
the dream. [JONESY GRUNTS]

But in the dream I was
Mel Gibson. [GRUNTS]

Ooh. Ooh, abs, Jonesy!

[EXCLAIMS]

So, was it worth
it, under creature?

I'm sorry again
that I roused you

from your slumber. [SCOFFS]

[JONESY AND REILLY
GRUNT] The hubris.

The arrogance.

The third synonym I would
like to have thought of.

You did not rouse me, Roald.

I rouse myself.

Only me. Rousing myself.

Stewart, I just think
that you're... Ha!

That's a laugh. You? Thinking?

The hubris. The
arrogance. The third one.

I just... It's...

You're gonna like
where this is going.

I had better.

f*ck's sake, McMurray.
We found all the eggs.

That's a lot of drink tickets.

Time to play catchup.

Thanks for the help, good buddy.

Well, I do like a good crotchword puzzle
too, Wayne, if you've got any of those.

Nothing cryptic, no,
thank you very much.

Just a good old-fashioned
crossword puzzle

with the appropriate amount
of clue-to-space available ratio.

I am however
above word searches.

I'm a simple man. McMurray.

Mrs. McMurray and I
actually got ourselves

into Sudoku action
down 'Minican.

Group Sudoku action.

Something about
those numbers games.

All the symmetry, and the
rationale, and the groups...

McMurray! Wait!

It wasn't down 'Minican.
It was down 'Pulco.

McMurray, we finally
found all the eggs,

so she's time to get hammered.

Pitter-patter. Let's get at her.

Well, you're welcome for
finding all the eggs, Wayne,

and you were right to call.

I love clues and I love puzzles.

I love games. I love everything.

So they tell me.

Hey, was I telling you about
that fella I seen at the airport

who was hanging a piss out

working on his iPad on
top of the urinal, right?

What could be so urgent?

That is exactly
what I said, Wayne.

I said, "What in the
f*ck could be so urgent?"

Thanks for the help, good buddy.

Anything I can do, Wayne.
When a friend asks for help,

you help him.
Especially on Easter.

Well, that appears
to be all the eggs.

Time to find the
rest of the g*ng

and tie one right on.

Your terms are
acceptable, Wayne.

GLEN: I am dying.

This is the third act.

REILLY: Whip sound!

[WHIP CRACKS]

[GLEN GROANS]
JONESY: Whip sound!

What the actual f*ck are
we looking at, McMurray?

I don't know, Wayne.

I've seen something
like this... [GRUNTS]

down in 'Caicos once,

but there were a lot
less dudes. [CHUCKLES]

Do you see?

Do you see what
I have given thee?

I do not.

Extrapolate.

ROALD: Jesus is dying,

yet he continues to march.

We have skipped many details,

but basically, he is
resurrected. [GROANS]

Therefore he is...

Not constrained by mortality.

By time. Stewart.

STEWART: He is the
one who cannot be buried.

What the religious
call the anti.

What the simple call the undead.

But what you and I
call, Roald... [SQUEALS]

BOTH: A zombie!

We're out of Gus N' Bru, boys.

DARYL AND DAN: No, uh!

This is our time, McMurray.

Good enough.

We're out of Puppers, too.

Well, we got Puppers.
And Gus N' Bru.

KATY: Well, I guess we're
following you boys home then.

It's a zombie walk, Stewart.

Just like you wanted.

March.

Zombie march.

Never have I loved thee more.

Let's just catch up
to the others, okay?

Yeah. Sure.

Cool. Cool.

[GRUNTS] We got a good Gus N'
Bru... Well, she's no Gus N' Bru...

But I do love a Pup...
It's a good substitutional...

But these are the...
How about we...

You go. No, no, no,
go ahead, Wayne.

This is your kitchen.

Well, I was just
gonna say that, like...

How beautiful
g*dd*mn these eggs are.

Well, f*ck,
McMurray. Wait, what?

Well, that's exactly
what I was gonna say.

I was just gonna
say how beautiful

and immaculately crafted
those Easter eggs are.

That's exactly what I
was gonna f*cking say.

You wanna know what, McMurray?

Man to man? Man to man.

I really wish it... BOTH:
Wasn't so difficult

talking to you all the time.

That's exactly what
I was gonna say.

And I know you were.
And I know about you were.

What? What?

Well, did you just say,

"And I know about you were"?

No.

Well, I'm pretty sure that's
what I just heard you say.

I don't think so.

Okay, let's start over there. No,
let's start right from the beginning.

Stop talking.

I got something I wanna say
to you, on the count of three.

So, at the count of
three I'm gonna say it,

and you don't talk.
I'm right with you.

So, once again...

I'll say something at the
count of three... After you start.

And then you don't talk.
We don't want difficulties.

All right? I'm just
gonna do what you say.

And then I don't talk.

f*ck's sake, McMurray,

I'm joining the
f*cking zombie walk.

Good stuff, Wayne.

Made some real progress there.

Probably gonna be
best friends soon.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]