03x02 - The Rat Race

[bunniefuu]

["AFTER HOURS" BY KEHLANI PLAYING]

[CAR HORN HONKING]

♪ We don't got to take it slow ♪

- [PEOPLE CHATTERING]
- Ooh.

- ♪ I wanna feel the sweat ♪
- Oh, hi!

- Carrie!
- [SOFTLY] Hey, hi!

Um, excuse me. Sorry. [CHUCKLES]

Excuse me.

Wow. Good thing I have sharp elbows.

- Hi. [CHUCKLES]
- Hi!

Two gimlets, straight up.

- Ah!
- I made a bold choice.

- I hope that's okay.
- I never loved you more.

In a nutshell, the
honeymoon is not over.

I'm still pinching myself
that I get to live there.

Well, that's how I
feel about your place.

Mm, I mean, to be clear,
the... the Gramercy house

was built in the 1840s, so
it has its cracks, but...

Oh, my God, your house is that old?

She looks amazing. Who's her doctor?

Anyway, I love the history.

You know, I love, um...

I love picturing all the
ladies who lived there before me

in their bustles and their button shoes.

- And their cute little purses.
- [CHUCKLES]

Too tiny to hold their stupid
f*cking phones with lame-a*s texts.

- Wow, I sense we've taken a turn.
- Yeah.

It must have been so much easier

- being single back then.
- Hm, I wonder.

I mean, it's just such a
messed-up time to be dating.

Like, last night,

I got stood up by a psychiatrist.

Well, that can't be good
for your mental health.

And then I text him,

"Dude, what is your f*cking problem?

We made a plan." And he texts me back,

"Is this something you
would like to discuss?"

"I have an opening Thursdays at four.

I don't take insurance."

It's actually not about him.

It's about this.

My phone is who I'm
in a relationship with.

I mean, you're so lucky

that you met Aidan before all of this.

- Hmm.
- I spend every waking hour

scrolling, swiping, texting,

and it's all just
hurtful or meaningless.

I'm so sick of it. I'm so done.

I'm just... I wanna... [GASPS]

- Oh! Oh, my God.
- [PATRON] Ow! What the f*ck?!

- I just did that.
- [BOTH LAUGHING]

Yep, I did that.

- Okay.
- [BOTH LAUGHING]

I'd better give you this before I get

forcibly removed from this bar.

I invited you to drinks because

I have a little something for you.

Aw, and if I don't like it,

I just chuck it over there, right?

That's what we're doing now?

I should probably get
my phone... or not.

"245."

Wait, that's my old address.



- You made this.
- I did.

I know how much you
loved your old apartment,

so I wanted you to have a little
piece of it with you always.

Oh, my gosh, I love it.

Hi.

Which one of you two should I sue?

Oh, not me.

All my money went to these two gimlets.

Oh, then it's you. Good.

Can I buy ya a drink
before we go to court?

Oh, no thanks. I'm good.

But you can buy my friend here a drink,

as long as you're not a psychiatrist.

Uh, I'm not, but I am good at

pretending to listen.

- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
- I'm Alex.

Hi. I'm Lisette.

Can we get three gimlets?
I'm buying you one, too.

I'm gonna need a witness
in court, you know.

- Here we go again.
- [CARRIE CHUCKLES]

In what grade do I get to stop lugging

Gabby's art projects home

at the end of the school year?

Well, at least the entire Lost and Found

did not have your kid's name on it.

- Oh, there's Ainsley.
- Lois was very clear.

Don't bother submitting Cleo's
ACT score unless it's a 35.

[AINSLEY] I messengered over

a Brunello Cucinelli scarf to Lois,

and still no word back.

- Well, Lois told me that...
- Veronica.

- [CLEARING THROATS]
- Oh. [LAUGHING]

Hi, Charlotte. Hi, Lisa.

Were you all just talking
about Lois Fingerhood,

the Ivy Whisperer?

- No. [LAUGHING]
- I'm not familiar.

I... I'm sorry, who?
[NERVOUS STAMMERING]

We are so sorry to barge in on you...

Something very disturbing is happening

right outside these doors!

Oh, m*therf*cker!

I knew this day would come.

Here we go. [GRUNTS] Alright.

Did ya call 911?

Oh, no, no. I-It's nothing like that.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Then what's with all the drama,

and the big Charlotte eyes?

- [VELCRO RIPPING]
- I'm sorry about the F-b*mb.

That doesn't need to leave this room.

You scared me.

You really did. You scared me.

It has come to our attention

that some of the parents
have broken the Arbor code

and hired outside college
admissions consultants.

Is that what this is all about?

Lois Fingerhood, AKA The Finger?

Yes, exactly!

Though they were very
tight-lipped about it,

they're obviously ashamed of themselves.

As they should be.

This school has excellent
college counselors.

We've been very happy with Debbie.

Debbie...

Debbie's fine, but she's no Lois.

How do you think we got nine kids

into Princeton this year?

[SOFTLY] It wasn't because of Debbie.

What are you saying?

He's saying F-b*mb the rules

as long as you get into an Ivy.

One F-b*mb and I'll
never hear the end of it.

Just to be clear, you're telling us

to hire the Finger-Lady?

I would never say that

because I live in reality.

You're too late.

And she's impossible to get to.

There's a reason why her name
has the word "finger" in it.

Okay. I should not
be doing that. I know.

Let's just call this

"Greg's Inappropriate Tuesday."

[SIGHS]

[CARRIE] "Sitting in the sunlight,

"the woman felt the fog of
the last few nights lift.

"She realized her recent
tossing and turning

"and insecurities were
remnants of another time.

"A time when she was
less sure of her path.

"This is a new house,
she reminded herself.

"A new life. This wasn't her past...

- [SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
- [SQUIRREL CHITTERING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

It was the present. May, 1846."

[SOFT MUSIC CONTINUES]

[SQUIRREL CHITTERING]

Hm. Hello there.

[CHUCKLES]

- [RUSTLING]
- [SCREECHING]

[STRIKING PERCUSSION MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMS] Oh, my God, oh, my God!

Oh, my God, oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh! Oh, my God!

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

Hi, Aidan, period.

Uh, you won't believe this,
comma, but turns out, comma,

hiding in our beautiful, comma,
bucolic backyard are rats.

Exclamation point. Many, many rats.

Exclamation point, exclamation point,

exclamation point.

I'm upstairs

because I don't know
if they can do steps.

Exclamation point.

And I forgot to lock the back door,

so they can probably push it open

if they work together as a team.

Exclamation point, exclamation point.

Anyway,

a guy's gonna come tomorrow
to clear the yard, but...

[SIGHS]

I really, comma, really
wish you were here.

Period.

[DISTANT SIREN WAILING]

[BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

Mm... Delete.

There's rose petals everywhere.

- I planned that. [GIGGLING]
- Oh, that was you?

[CHATTERING CONTINUES IN VIDEO]

See, those two belong together.

I don't know.

I just wish she didn't bug me so much.

- Those lashes are ridic.
- [SERENA LAUGHING]

- What are you guys watching?
- [BOTH] Bi Bingo.

And, like, you're putting
a lot of pressure on me

because you're, like,
obsessed with Jodi.

- So, at this point...
- Oh, it's a reality show.

It looks really idiotic.

- Yeah. It's awesome.
- [BOTH LAUGHING]

[AUTUMN] [IN VIDEO] She's
such a fake f*cking b*tch.

She literally knew that I was
going after Tina and Matthew...

- Wait, who's she?
- ... and, like, everyone knows

that I've been really struggling
with that f*cking choice,

but she doesn't care,
so she just comes in,

and everyone's like, "Yeah, like,
the sex with Joanie is insane."

Like, "Okay?"

[CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Ernesto, it's...

- It's all gone.
- [ERNESTO] Yeah.

Well, you said you
wanted me to make sure

I got all the places
where the rats could hide,

and they were nesting deep
in everything out here.

It was like a rat superhighway.

[MAKES WHIZZING SOUND]

[GROANING] Oh.

[LO-FI MUSIC PLAYING]

[SHOE PURRING, MEWING]

Ah! [GASPS] Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Shoe! Oh, my God!

[GASPS] Oh, my God, don't do that.

Oh, my God, you scared me.

I thought you were a rat.

- [SHOE PURRING]
- You know better than that.

Don't do that. [KISSES]

Don't do that again.

Oh, my gosh! [GASPS, SCREAMS]

[YELLS]

Oh, my God! [LAUGHING] Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. You almost
gave me a heart attack.

You? [LAUGHS]

Oh, my... Oh, my God.
How did you get in?

Comin' up the front stoop,

some worker was on his way out.

What are you doing here?
Wh... How did you get here?

Well... Wyatt's with Kathy's

whole family for the night,

and... I just felt weird about

shuttin' you down when
you called the other night.

Wow, you flew up for one
night because you felt weird?

Man, that's weird.

[CHUCKLES] And I love it.

Oh, yeah, I could've called you,

but then I wouldn't be able to do this.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

Mm.

I'm really sorry.

Apology accepted.

Well, that was easy. I'm gonna go now.

- Ah! Who you callin' easy?
- Come here.

[AIDAN GRUNTS]

[CARRIE CHUCKLES]

[SOFT MUSIC CONTINUES]

[SHOE MEOWS]

I have been working so much,

I guess I just lost track
of what really matters.

Do you think it's desperate

if I text Lois Fingerhood again now?

Thirty seconds after the last text? Yes.

I'll keep it short.

Oh, my God. You and the phone!

Lois Fingerfuck can wait.

I brought you down this block

because I am trying
to show you something.

- Ta-da!
- Oh, my God, Anthony!

Someone stole your great idea!

[LAUGHING] Char, it's
me. I stole my great idea.

[BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

Brick and mortar, baby!

Wait. Make that d*ck and mortar.

- Oh, my God! Bread handles!
- Yep.

- It's a theme.
- [CHARLOTTE LAUGHS]

Men at work! Morning, fellas.

[WORKERS] [MONOTONE] Good morning.

They're not exactly living
up to the Hotfellas brand.

Don't tell g*y porn,

but hot construction
workers aren't a thing.

- [GASPS]
- This is incredible!

How did this come together so quickly?

It didn't. You were
just too friggin' busy

- for me to catch you up.
- I'm sorry.

Anthony, you have a place.

- This is thrilling!
- [ANTHONY] It is.

Speakin' of thrilling, bread sconce.

And this is such a great neighborhood.

It's just two blocks
from the kids' school.

Two blocks away from all those horny,

carb-starved mothers.

Ka-ching! And look at this low counter.

Crotch height! I'm a genius.

Hey, actual hard-copy newspaper.

I didn't think those still existed.

Mm, they most certainly do.

[DISTANT TRAFFIC NOISE, CARS HONKING]

So, you... you felt weird
about the other night,

and I've been feeling
weird about something, too.

Yeah? sh**t.

Well, I'm trying to give
you the space to be...

fully there for Wyatt and the boys,

but... sometimes things happen,

and I wanna tell you about them.

You know, like... like the rats.

I wrote this whole long text to you,

and I just...

I felt like I couldn't send it.

- That's... that's crazy.
- Is it?

See, [CHUCKLES] then I'm lost...

because I thought we
weren't supposed to be...

in touch.

[SIGHS] Yeah, right.

I, uh...

Yeah, I'm kinda... I'm kinda lost too.

I was, um, so upset

and, I think, guilty

for bein' up here

the night of Wyatt's accident that...

maybe I... I went a little overboard.

Okay.

I mean, I... I still...
I... I gotta stay

f*ck' laser-focused with
that situation at home,

but... you can text me, you...

You know, little stuff, big stuff.

- Call me if it's important.
- Mm.

So... anytime?

Only during business hours?

- Weekends?
- [AIDAN CHUCKLES]

- Are operators standing by?
- Well, I can't say

you won't get a little
Muzak now and then.

But yes, sure, fire away. [EXHALES]

Good.

I feel better.

[CRUNCHING]

That garden was the reason
why I said something.

You know, I thought everything
was just perfect out there,

but...

you know, I just wasn't
looking underneath.

I'm just trying to look
underneath this, you know?

Far from perfect...

but no rats. Rat-free zone.

[CARRIE CHUCKLES]

First thing I wanna hear about

is this gardener you
hired to fix this mess.

You mean, I can't just grow dirt?

[LAUGHING] Nope.

Ooh! Don't let the cat
out. No, no, no, no, no!

She's always trying to get outside.

- Why... why does she...
- Hey!

... keep trying to escape?

Her boyfriend's in Virginia.

Come here.

Mm.

[TINA] [IN VIDEO] I really
have never done that

with anyone before or
felt this sort of...

- [AMBER] Yeah.
- ... connection

where it's almost like we've
known each other for forever.

You've been through nothing together!

You met last week!

She's so manipulative.

She's getting in everyone's heads,

telling them that I'm the problem.

Amber is the problem!

Don't trust her with Matthew.
Don't trust her with Tina.

- [CARRIE] Ooh.
- [SHOE MEOWS]

[SOFTLY] Ooh, Adam. Hm.

- [SCREENSHOT CLICKS]
- Okay, Adam Gardens.

- [TOY RATTLING]
- Mm. Come on.

- Come on. Up, up, up. Ooh.
- [PHONE DINGS]

[SHOE MEOWS]

Hm.

[SOFTLY] Here. Here,
take that, take that.

[SHOE MEOWS]

Hi, love, period.

Hope your flight was uneventful, period.

Um, listen.

We need furniture, exclamation point.

Um, I've been stalking
this table online,

I'll attach at the end.

It's got woodwork, like
you, and style, like me.

And it's a little
weird, like us right now.

And I'm really afraid
someone else is gonna get it,

so let me know your
thoughts ASAP, period.

I love you so, period.

As does Shoe, period.

[LIGHT, PLUCKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[TEXT WHOOSHES]

I'm taking a quick poll.

When you see this
photo, what do you think?

- Ooh, gorgeous.
- That's interesting.

Okay, great, thank you.
That was very helpful.

And I wanna point out

that you both used
words in your response.

And here is how Aidan responded

to my impassioned text

about how much I love this table for us.

- [SEEMA] Hm.
- [MIRANDA CHUCKLES]

What did you send back?
A middle finger emoji?

No, I'm an adult and I
know how to communicate.

- With angry silence.
- [MIRANDA CHUCKLES]

Hey, Seema, there's a guy over there

who's giving you a
thumbs-up with his eyes.

Navy blue sweater.

[SEEMA] No, I already dated him.

More or less.

What, is this an eye exam, or did...

or did you actually date him?

[SEEMA] Well, I might as well have.

There are basically five
guys in all of New York,

and I've dated all of them.

- [GROUP LAUGHS]
- Good evening, ladies.

You ordered guacamole, medium spice?

[MIRANDA AND SEEMA] Yes, we did.

To be clear, I am still out there.

I've just gotten more efficient.

I can't waste my time
the way I did with Ravi.

You sound like the only smart
contestant on Bi Bingo.

Is anybody else watchin'
that piece of doo-doo?

Is that the one where they
send the horny bisexuals

- to the Caribbean?
- Close.

Hawaii. It is so awful.

I can feel my IQ dropping
with every episode.

I... I literally scream at the TV.

Me too. It's insane.

Sorry, I couldn't not say something.

No, please.

I... I need company in my outrage.

There is this one woman
that I'm obsessed with.

- Jamie? [CHUCKLES]
- Yes! Jamie!

How can she have such horrible taste

in both men and women?

I know, does she not see how hot she is?

And she chooses Mitch?!

[MIRANDA] A big zero!
It's so frustrating.

I know! And she had so much
more chemistry with Autumn.

It's driving me crazy!

You two realize you do have free will?

Yes, but I cannot look away.

I've finally discovered
the joy of hate-watching.

- Bon appétit, ladies.
- Oh, thank you.

You know, I think that's what
I'm doing with men: Hate-dating.

And what exactly does
hate-dating look like?

So, after that, I went
back to grad school,

got my MBA, and here I am.

Todd, I'm all for higher education.

I come from a long line of doctors.

But you're a perpetual student,

and you're obviously looking
for a mommy to make your lunches

and tuck you in at night.

Not interested.

So, yeah, me and my ex weren't
really right for each other.

But we love our kids,
and we're determined

to stay in each other's lives. You
know, so they don't suffer.

- You know what I think, Wolf?
- Hm?

I think your divorce isn't final.

I think you're shopping around,
sampling the merchandise,

and you're gonna
reconcile with your wife

about ten minutes after
you tell me you love me.

And your actual name is
something like Stan or Dan.

- It's Dan.
- Yeah.

I'm pretty good at this. Take care.

[MELLOW TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]

So, after 20 years,

we were both feelin' like maybe...

Maybe you'd become roommates,

but ya didn't have the ba*ls to end it,

so you hooked up with
your 27-year-old temp

and now you're living in
your Tribeca score palace

and your only regret is having
to fork over half your assets,

which is why you'll be
wanting to split this check.

Been there, done that.

Have the receipts to prove it.

Drinks, $30.

Telling you to go shove it, priceless.

- Hi.
- Nope.

[TECHNO MUSIC CONTINUES]

[OFFICE PHONES RINGING]

It is you.

- Oh!
- I glanced in and I thought

that looks like Miranda,
but never in a million years

could someone who was just
a lowly intern last month

have suddenly scored themselves

such an impressive and large office.

Clearly a mistake.

Joy, hi! What are you doing up at HRW?

- Apart from harassing you?
- Uh-huh.

I had a meeting. The
BBC sent me to find out

why you Americans haven't
fixed the world yet.

[MIRANDA LAUGHS]

Would you like to sit?

Yes. Let's... let's pretend
that there's enough room.

[LAUGHING]

So, what are you up to?

Well, uh, they've moved me
into working almost exclusively

- with refugees, so...
- No, no, I meant in life.

I can get all of that out there.

So, what's going on with you?

Tell me something scintillating.

- You want scintillating?
- Long for it.

The other night, I
took a nun's virginity.

[OFFICE WORKERS CHATTERING]

[MIRANDA LAUGHS]

So, what you're saying is
that you are the Antichrist.

Would the Antichrist
have an office this small?

No, and the window would be cleaner.

And wouldn't there be
more than one window?

Not necessarily.

- Business is off everywhere.
- Mm.

What does the devil have for lunch?

I'm intrigued.

[WORKER 1] That painting goes
on the south gallery wall.

- [WORKER 2] That's right. Uh...
- Okay. Bear with me.

Yes! Lois Fingerhood's private account

is not so private.

She accepted your follow
request immediately.

- Thirsty-a*s.
- She doesn't even know me.

Oh, well, I changed your profile pic

to a bottle of wine.

- Ladies love that sh*t.
- Oh.

I don't know, Grace.

Now the cutting in the Ann Lowe section

just seems slower to me.

You don't like it when I actively try

- to put the audience to sleep?
- [CHUCKLING]

- [PHONE RINGING]
- Oh.

I gotta take this.

- Hi. Anything?
- We just hacked into

Lois' private Insta account.

Okay. You went there. Now what?

She just posted pictures of
her son's Little League game.

Oh, my God! She's there right now!

- Like a sitting duck.
- Uh!

Charlotte, are we doing this?

Lisa, we've already done it.

[CROWD SHOUTING]

[CHEERING AND SHOUTING]

[CLAPPING AND CHEERING]

Which one is she?

- Uh...
- Is that her? In the visor?

It's hard to say. I mean...

- Here you go, Asher!
- Asher!

- Her son's name is Asher.
- Okay, great!

[BAT THUMPS]

- [CROWD CHEERING]
- Yes!

Woo! Nice, Asher!

[CHEERING CONTINUES]

Oh my, great hit.

- Great hit.
- You rocked it, Asher!

Great, great hit.

It was a single.

Are you with the Huskies?

In a sense, yes.

My son is also an athlete, at Arbor.

He plays lacrosse. He'll
be a senior next year.

- A senior? Mm.
- [LISA] Mm-hm.

I see what's going on here.

Ms. Fingerhood...

my daughter will be a senior, too.

All we ask is 30 seconds of your time.

Thirty seconds,

and you will never hear from us again.

Bases are loaded. Talk fast.

- Oh!
- Outta the way.

- Um...
- Wait, n... now?

- [PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
- [PHONE BUZZING]

[TEACHER] Penelope, head up.

Frederique, loosen up your arm.

Very good.

[PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

Diego... where's your focus?

Tighter, fix position. Shoulders down.

- [SOFTLY] f*ck.
- [PHONE BUZZING]

[TEACHER] Keep the rhythm
tighter. Tighter, please.

[PHONE CONTINUES BUZZING]

Point your feet.

Active legs. Active legs.

[BOTH MOANING]

Oh, my God!

Wha...

Mom!

What are you doing here?

I'm sorry to interrupt,

but you weren't answering
any of my calls or texts.

- Because I'm busy.
- I can see that now.

Um... h-hello. So nice to meet you.

I just got a call and
it's very time-sensitive.

Uh, nice to meet you,
too, Mrs. Goldenblatt.

- Lily, I'll catch you later.
- Yeah.

Bye.

- [WHISPERS] Is that...
- [WHISPERS] Diego, yes.

And it was finally happening,
and you totally k*lled the mood.

Honey, I am so sorry.

And also, I'm happy
because we all thought

that it was just in your mind.

Mom!

What do you take me for?

[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]

I'm so sorry. That came out wrong.

Okay, can you get someone

to cover your Thursday ballet class?

No, that would be really hard. Why?

You're going to have
to, because Lisa and I

have found a very
powerful college consultant

to meet with you and Herbert
Jr. At five o'clock on Thursday.

Why? I like Debbie.

I thought that we weren't
going off the deep end

- with that stuff.
- I was wrong.

The deep end is where we need to be!

- Sorry.
- Oh, hello.

- [RUNNER] Watch it, lady!
- [COACH A] Keep it up!

Hey, move out of the way! Move!

- Watch it!
- Excuse me.

- Get off the track!
- Sorry. Sorry, I just have to...

[CLAPPING] Hey, nice defense, William!

- Ground ball! Ground ball!
- Herbert...

you gonna let him get away with that?

- Stay on him. Look alive!
- [LISA] Coach? Hi, honey.

- Coach! Keep playing.
- Mom?

- What are you doing?
- I have to talk to Coach A!

Gotta get you out of
practice on Thursday!

- [YELPS]
- [PLAYER] Oh, lucky shot!

- So close!
- I'm good!

- [OFFICE PHONES RINGING]
- [PEOPLE CHATTERING]

And I've confirmed your 3:30
call with the Fisse Corp.

Perfect. Anything else?

Yes, that guy named Wolf called again.

Said, "Apologies if
I misspoke at drinks.

Please give me another chance."

So what? You yell at them,

and then they like you?

It's sick.

If he calls back,

you tell him, in no uncertain terms,

"It is not happening,

lose my number, move on."

Now, that isn't a client
you're throwing away, is it?

Never. He's a first date
who said, "Nice rack,"

before my derrière even hit the chair.

- Need I say more?
- No, but I need to say more.

Your office, please?

Oh, Seema, my one and only.

Can, um, I be frank with you?

Why do I feel like there's
an intervention coming?

Oh, [LAUGHING] come on.

For years, I have watched you

date guy after guy after guy.

It's pained me.

It's actually caused me physical pain.

It's in my chest,
sometimes my lower hip.

And yet, I have held my tongue.

Wow. I'm so sorry my love life

has been so hard for you.

[ELLIOT] I appreciate that.

And I think you're ready
for the big g*ns, huh?

[CHUCKLES] Sydney.

Who's that? Oh, that 78-year-old

Pringles heir with a colostomy bag?

No. Jerome just passed, sadly.

I'll have Sydney meet
you after work today.

- Just trust me.
- Wait, did I just say yes?

- [PEOPLE CHATTERING]
- Hi, how are you?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING IN RESTAURANT]

Seema.

Sydney.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Uh...

Sydney, this is a little uncomfortable,

but you know Elliot, he
thinks everyone's g*y.

Unfortunately, I'm not.

My life would be so
much easier if I were.

Seema, darling, I'm not g*y either.

- I'm a matchmaker.
- Oh.

Well, I'm Indian. We
invented matchmaking.

My mother has been working
pro bono since I was 12.

[SYDNEY] Right, right.

How's that workin' out for ya?

Let me guess: You're 55, passing for 49.

Hello, good skin.

You are financially stable.

You say you want someone
to take care of you

but yet, you have to
make all the decisions.

You're the one who chooses
the restaurant, the wine,

and flags down the waiter for the check.

You have made all your dreams come true

except for finding
the Man of Your Dreams.

Now, you say it's
because you're too picky.

But it's really because, until now...

you hadn't met me.

- I'm not paying for these drinks.
- Oh, no, no.

Elliot's taking care of everything,

including my fee.

Ladies, have you had a
chance to look at the menu?

- No, I don't...
- Uh, yes.

My friend will have the salmon tartare,

wasabi vinaigrette on the side,

extra avocado.

And, um, hold the scallion.

And I'll have the, uh, crispy artichoke

and a martini five minutes ago.

Did I get that right?

- Lucky guess.
- Hm.

Seema, if you're gonna work with me,

I'm gonna need you to put yourself

completely in my hands.

I need you to do
everything I ask you to do.

Starting with...

the way you dress.

What's wrong with how I dress?

Oh, kitten, I've seen your Instagram.

It's all metallics and animal prints.

Metallics read "cold"

and animal prints read...

- "predator."
- So, what do you want me in,

pastels?

- Would it k*ll you?
- It might.

Seema, you've been trying it your way

for the past 30 years.

Why not try it the Sydney Cherkov way?

Everybody loves the Sydney Cherkov way.

Women, men. Theys, thems.

Come on. What do you have to lose?

[SERVER] Here we go.

Well done.

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]

Roy, I need... I need one thing from you

and one thing only:

assurance that there
will be no more rats.

- You got it.
- Okay,

because the first guy said that

and I never saw him again.

And this... this...
this is a call to arms.

There were rats, Roy.
There were so many rats

that I had to throw away
the shoes I was wearing.

And I loved those shoes,
so, Roy, I need your word.

No rats now, later,

ever, ever again.

Ma'am, I will use the
deadliest poison I got.

Yep, yep. The only way to go.

- Hello.
- Hello.

I hope they use organic,
nontoxic chemicals.

Oh, absolutely. No other way to go.

- [NERVOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- [BOTH SIGHING]

[SOFTLY SQUEALING]

[SOFTLY] They've been
in there for 45 minutes

and I'm not hearing anything.

Do you think she's giving
them a test or something?

[SOFTLY] No, I don't
think it works that way.

I think they're just talking.

God, I hope she says yes.

Do you think the gift bag of
truffles seemed too desperate?

- No, it was perfect.
- Okay, okay.

- [GASPS] Hi!
- Hi!

- How'd it go?
- We'll talk.

Uh, first, may I use your restroom?

Yes. Of course.

[DOOR CLOSES]

- [LISA] Guys...
- [CHARLOTTE] How'd it go?!

[LILY HYPERVENTILATING]
She said I'd have to scrap everything

and start all over again!

I mean, she said I
am "too well-rounded."

"Nothing pointy."

Me too! She said,
"Don't mention lacrosse.

It reeks of privilege."

She said, "Don't mention piano...

[GASPING, CHUCKLING]
... It's too mundane."

Don't mention that I'm
Asian or adopted! I...

- [HYPERVENTILATING]
- Good God!

[HERBERT] And she said she wants

more relatably
African-American experiences.

I mean, Mom, am I inauthentic?

Not at all, sweetheart.

[OUT OF BREATH] This is exactly...

what I was afraid of.

[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]

Lisa, what have we done?

Nope, nope. Not doin' this.

Kids, Charlotte, this ends now.

- But Lois told us...
- She said if we don't continue to...

f*ck Lois f*cking Fingerfuck!

Yeah, I'll see myself out.

Sugar!

Again, thank you so much

for taking time out
of your busy schedule.

Oh, yeah, this has been a real pleasure.

- You forgot your truffles!
- [LOIS] Mm-hm.

Good luck with Debbie.

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- [SIGHS]

[SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING IN RESTAURANT]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Please, Seema.

- I'm Jake.
- Seema.

The truth is, uh... Well, the truth is,

Niko was the real alpha of the family.

- Mm.
- Good at sports. Good at math.

Good-looking.

Meanwhile, just this
week, he calls me up

to ask if I can lend him
a hand on a down payment.

- Oh.
- Oh, I say sure.

He's my brother.

Well, my half-brother.

I'm sorry, what was
I just talking about?

Your family.

You sound like a
devoted brother and son.

- Oh, thank you.
- Mm-hm.

- Yeah, I like to think so.
- [SERVER] Dessert?

- Oh, for dessert, two tiramisu.
- [SERVER] Of course.

I, uh, I feel like

I've just been talking the whole time.

- Well...
- You are a wonderful listener.

I'm so glad I met you, Seema.

Actually, Jake, you haven't met me.

- Excuse me?
- This isn't the real me.

These pearls...

they aren't real.

Wait a minute. What are you saying?

For starters, I'm not usually
this quiet and agreeable.

I don't actually share your views

on campaign finance reforms.

And I don't ever wear pastels.

I feel like the Easter
Bunny's side piece.

- [JAKE LAUGHS]
- Also,

I hated the Cabernet you chose

and tiramisu is tired,

but, you know, Sydney told me that men,

they like to feel in charge. So...

Well...

I actually really admire your honesty.

There's nothing sexier
than an honest woman.

Oh, thank you.

I'm actually so relieved
that you feel that way.

Oh, yeah. For sure.

Excuse me a moment? Restroom.

Of course.

Hi.

Oh, my God, what are you doing here?

Oh, I always observe my clients

- on their first date.
- [PHONE DINGS]

It's included in the
Sydney Cherkov experience.

Well, I'll have you know,

I wound up showing Jake my true self

and he was very appreciative.

- Was he?
- Mm-hm.

Seema, um, Jake just texted me.

- He's gone.
- What do you mean?

He just went to the
bathroom, like, a second ago.

Seema, kitten...

And I quote, "I have
enough challenges at work."

Jake is gone,

and he's never coming back.

Jake is out. You blew it.

Then I'm out.

You and I? Not a match.

I would rather spend
the rest of my life alone

than wearing fake pearls

and pretending to be someone I'm not.

This wasn't the Sydney
Cherkov experience.

It was the Sydney Jerk-off experience.

Yeah, I heard that one before.

And guess what? She's still single.

Thank you.

Kitten, can I have a fresh fork?

I cannot believe last night's episode.

- Mimi is bananas.
- [MIRANDA GASPS]

- Certifiable!
- [LAUGHING]

How could she not pick Jamie?

Jamie is everything!

- I have such a crush on her.
- So do I!

- We should be on that show.
- We should!

- I'll be right back with some limes.
- [MIRANDA] Okay.

Uh, this lunch invitation? Thumbs down.

- What?
- What do you mean "what"?

You're using me as a guacamole beard.

What'd you do? Did
you call the restaurant

to find out what shifts she's working?

- Maybe.
- Mm.

Wow. I can't believe you're bold enough

to call a restaurant
to stalk a waitress,

and I... I can't even
tell Aidan about a...

[INHALES SHARPLY] that I'm
upset about a thumbs-down.

You're still thinking about that?

Why don't you just call him?

'Cause I... I don't
wanna seem ridiculous.

His family's in crisis,

and I'm obsessing about an emoji?

So, maybe take a break
from the obsessing.

- It's beneath you.
- You're right,

we should talk about
something more elevated,

like, uh, Bi Bingo.

Ava's kinda hot, right?

- I don't watch the damn show.
- No, the guacamole girl!

- Oh.
- She's cute.

And we have the same taste in women.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna ask her out.

I predict a very bright future for you.

Your... your combined
good cholesterol will be

- through the roof.
- [MIRANDA LAUGHS]

And, oh, my God, what
about that bikini scene?

Whipped cream in the pool?
Gross, but, mm, also kinda hot.

So gross and so hot.

You know, guys, I'm gonna excuse myself.

I'm gonna go to the
restroom, or in your language,

I'm voting myself off the island.

[LAUGHTER]

You know who else is hot?

Ashley from Oregon?

[CHUCKLES] I was gonna say you.

Would you like to grab a drink sometime?

Oh, my God, I'm flattered,

but I'm straight.

And married.

With two kids.

Oh! I... I-I-I assumed you were q*eer

because of Bi Bingo, I guess.

It's a TV show.

I watch The Walking
Dead and I'm not a zombie.

[CHUCKLES] Good point.

Enjoy.

[AVA SIGHS]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[DOWNBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, dude, what's your beef?

I send you a passionate
plea as to why I think

that very special table
is the essence of us,

and your reaction

is to send me back a stupid emoji.

Mm-mm. No way.

[DOWNBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES]

[SIGHS]

[TEXT WHOOSHES]

Here I thought I had
this big victory with him.

You know, that we could be in touch,

but texting and emojis
are not a relationship.

A relationship is standing
across from someone

and saying, "What do you think?"

And then they say, "What do you think?"

Well, I just stood across
from someone and said,

"What do you think
about getting a drink?"

And she said, "What do
you think about the fact

that I'm straight,
married, and have two kids?"

- Oops. [CHUCKLES]
- A nun, a straight waitress?

I gotta stop playing Dating Bingo.

Yeah. Bingo's too random for you.

You need someone more, uh, Yahtzee.

Well, I do have a real crush

on this Brit I know through work.

- Who... Oh, the BBC one?
- Joy.

- Mm!
- I really like her.

- Oh, good.
- But it might be totally inappropriate.

What, she's married and straight too?

No, she's a classic l*sbian,

- but it's a work contact...
- Oh.

... and if it goes wrong,

I can't just not go to
her restaurant ever again.

Miranda, ask the classic l*sbian out.

People meet through work.

- You're overthinking this.
- Me?

- Mm-hm, yes.
- Overthinking something?

Alright, listen, I gotta hustle.

I'm meeting a landscape
architect at 3:00.

Very exciting.

Woman dancing in red dress emoji. Whoa!

- Bye.
- Excuse me. Bye.

Shoe?

Hey, Roy, have you seen the cat?

Yeah, she was here when my guy left,

- a few minutes ago.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Shoe?

Kitty? Here, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

- Is this who you're lookin' for?
- [CARRIE GASPS]

Oh, my gosh, thank you!

- Uh-huh.
- Oh, thank you. Where was she?

Well, she was crouched by the gate,

looking excited,

but also a little bit guilty.

[CHUCKLES] Well, thank God

you just happened to be walking by.

Yeah, I don't think people
just "walk by" anymore.

I have an appointment.
Adam, Adam Gardens?

[GASPS] Oh! Yes, I'm sorry.

Sorry, I thought you'd, um...

I don't know, have a truck or something.

- I don't have the job yet.
- Right, right.

- Well, hi, I'm Carrie.
- Hi, Carrie.

- Hi.
- And don't worry, I have a truck.

- Okay, good.
- And some workers.

- And here is your kitty back.
- Okay... Oh.

- Thank you. I really enjoyed the hang.
- Ah.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Here ya go.

- Thank you.
- [SHOE MEOWS]

She's a good hanger. Oh, welcome home.

"Dead Wait." What's
the story behind that?

- I'd have to know you longer.
- Oh.

- Show me your garden, Carrie.
- Sure. Yes, sorry. Come on in.

Well, I don't think you need much.

- What the f*ck happened here?
- [CHUCKLES]

- I'm not cursing.
- Yeah.

- It's landscape architect lingo.
- Oh. Rats.

Well, they must have been hungry.

[CARRIE CHUCKLES]

Okay, so...

what do you want to do out here?

Um, not get rabies?

I don't know, maybe something
like your Liv Tyler garden?

It's so pretty.

What's she like?

Very nice.

[CARRIE] Well, that's good.

Do you know me long enough
yet to explain the T-shirt?

It's the name of a band
I was in in high school.

Oh, were you any good?

[CHUCKLES] The T-shirt was
more successful than we were.

So I quit music and I
started sellin' T-shirts.

Yeah, all kinds.

I had a, um, store
over on East 8th Street

next to the Baskin-Robbins.

You had a store in high school?

- Junior, senior years.
- Wow.

Wow, a native New Yorker.
Wow, that's very rare.

Greenwich village, born and raised.

But enough about me.

- Now, you.
- Yes.

I always like to ask the
owner one fundamental question,

you know, when I start to design a job.

So...

- Carrie...
- Yes. [CHUCKLES]

... what is your ultimate vision

for this space?

Uh...

I don't know. What do you think?

What do you think?

Adam... I have no idea.

[CHUCKLES]

Here's the thing, um,

I loved everything as it was,
but now that's all changed.

So... I... I don't know
what... what comes next.

I think that's exciting.

- Hm.
- Not knowing.

'Cause then, what is meant to be

has the space to show up.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Your cat's outside again.

- [SHOE MEOWS]
- Oh! No, no, no, no, no.

Shoe, honey. No, no, no.

We're inside people.

"The woman lifted her petticoat... "

I'll be right back.

"... and hurried up the
twisting iron staircase.

"She stepped carefully in
her dove-grey button boots

"to make sure that she wouldn't stumble

as she crossed the threshold
and went on her way."

♪ We were young ♪

["FRIDAY" BY THE
CHAINSMOKERS & FRIDAYY PLAYING]

♪ But old enough to get high ♪

♪ Crazy enough to get by
and wild enough to fly ♪

♪ We were young ♪

♪ But old enough to reach dreams ♪

♪ Crazy as it seems ♪

♪ But still you were in my dreams, ah ♪

♪ We know that it's only
gonna be a matter of time ♪

♪ Before you change your mind
like you change clothes ♪

♪ Why stop right here? ♪

♪ We both know that I'll make
it worth your while, hmm, oh ♪

♪ 'Cause you belong to the universe ♪

♪ Belong to the club tonight ♪

♪ Belong in my two-seater,
driving fast as light ♪

♪ Ooh, there's nothing
that's stopping us ♪

♪ It's just like we're young in love ♪

♪ Don't care if we crash ♪

♪ Having the time of your life, life ♪

♪ Life ♪

♪ Having the time of your life, life ♪

♪ Having the time of your ♪