01x05 - Family Weekend

[bunniefuu]

[birds tweeting]

[Vivaldi's "Autumn"

from The Four Seasons playing]

[indistinct chatter]

-[Jack] Hi.

-[man] Welcome, sir.

-[Jack] Here you go.

-[man] Let me get that for you.

[Jack] Thank you.

Got it. That's all right. Thank you.

-[engine revs]

-[tires squeal]

[dance music blaring]

[music and engine turns off]

-Hey!

-[Kate] Oh, sh*t.

-Did we know Ginny was coming to this?

-God, he's an idiot.

Hello, there!

-Hey!

-Hi!

Who's ready for cider?

[gasps] Ooh!

They have a fall foliage scooter tour.

-Uh, we'll see.

-Yeah.

You guys look great.

Thank you for noticing.

We're doing dry fall, so…

So, no baths.

I'm kidding, no booze.

We're cooling it with the booze.

Oh, that is so great. You know,

I can kind of see it in your skin.

-Really? Thank you.

-Oh. Great.

[laughing]

-Hey, he's back!

-Hey!

-Hello!

-Hey!

Hi, you guys. Thank you.

Ooh!

-We got a lot of sh*t in here.

-[Ginny] Hi.

-Hey.

-[Kate] Danny, you must be exhausted.

I can't believe you came straight here.

You know, anything for my godchild.

I'm gonna check in.

Okay, thank you.

-Oh, wow.

-Oh, this campus is so beautiful.

I bet you have the best memories

of going to school here.

Oh, God. Mostly, I just remember

eating so many black beans.

[Danny] Oh, listen, Ginny,

in the late 1980s,

it was believed that eating black beans

and sweet potatoes…

And listening to R.E.M.

…would cure A*DS and end apartheid.

-And to be honest…

-Do not say it worked.

-It is not your place.

-Fine.

[laughs]

Well, I love it here unabashedly.

It's where I fell in love with my wife.

It's where I found my passion for history.

And I think this weekend

is going to be magical.

-Kate, that guy needs your credit card.

-Okay.

And you're all set, sir.

Mrs. Pagano already checked in.

Mrs. Pagano.

-Oh, uh…

-What?

Anne stole Nick's room.

[Ginny] It's totally fine. We can just

take whatever room Anne was in.

No, I specifically requested

the Molly Pitcher Suite.

It's the one room with a bathtub.

So, we can shower.

I wouldn't be surprised

if she did this on purpose.

She was so mean

on our last Zoom mediation.

I'm sure any room that we stay in together

is a perfect room.

-[Nick] Right.

-[Ginny] It was an honest mistake.

[Clerk] Would you like me

to take those for you?

-[Nick] Sure.

-[Ginny] Thank you.

[laughs]

[Ginny] It's gonna be great.

[Ginny clears throat]

-Oh, gosh.

-[Nick] Son of a b*tch.

-[Ginny] No.

-What?

No, it's totally fine.

-Are you kidding me?

-[Ginny] It's charming. Hey.

-No, no, no. This is--

-[Ginny] Look at me.

-It's got everything we need.

-Oh…

-Okay.

-[Ginny] Oh.

-Hello!

-[Ginny laughs]

All right. Okay.

[Vivaldi's "Autumn"

from The Four Seasons playing]

[Ginny laughing]

What in colonial fetus hell?

I'm triggered.

[Claude chuckles]

Okay.

-I'm sorry I slept in the car.

-Oh, that's okay. That's okay.

-Are you hungry, maybe?

-No.

You have to rest anyway.

Oh, sh*t.

Put this here.

Yeah. Ah, that's better.

Ooh, hey.

-I smell like plane.

-I don't care.

I missed you.

-Did you miss me?

-Yeah, I missed you too.

Ah…

[both laughing]

["Autumn" continues playing]

[muffled chatter]

That was grim, right?

I mean, let's please never

have a mediation Zoom.

Oh, I agree.

I'll just sue the sh*t

out of you in court.

[chuckles]

I really do feel energized

being back here.

It's kind of romantic, huh?

Oh, yeah? What's making you hornier?

The dusty needlepoints

or John Jay's death certificate?

Oh!

That can't be real, can it?

Oh, where are you going?

I'm gonna go see Anne.

She said come see her.

Okay. Should I--

I'll just hang here. Sure.

-[sighs]

-[chair creaks]

[Vivaldi's "Autumn"

from The Four Seasons playing]

[Claude laughing] Oh, my God.

Look at this guy!

I thought he was holding a cat,

but it's actually a neck beard. Look.

Grindr? Oh, it's too early in the day

for a small-town scroll.

Grindr is how I learn the spirit

of a new place, you know that.

Let me play with it.

Oh, gosh. Now, look at this guy. Look.

It says, "Gen Z Twink."

Look at his face.

It's like Hillary Clinton. Come on.

Look, all these guys

lie about their ages, okay?

You've got to set it to 26

to get a 40-year-old.

-You know all the tricks, huh?

-Yeah.

Okay, let's see.

Hmm.

-Ah, work with what you got, king.

-Delete.

-[sighs]

-Next.

Okay, I'm ready.

-Come on.

-For what?

I'm sure you have a laundry list of things

you need to talk to me about

since I've been gone.

Babe, I actually don't want to talk

about anything serious this weekend.

-Oh.

-Okay?

All I want is to have fun together.

-How's that?

-Really?

-You like that?

-Uh-huh.

-Let's have fun. Beat it.

-Okay.

Amazing.

[Claude gasps] Oh, my God.

-He looks like…

-Ooh.

…Boscaiolo. How do you say in English?

-Lumberjack.

-Hmm.

Hold on.

-Lumberjack. Oh.

-sh*t.

I'm so happy for the town.

Yeah.

Okay, let's go be uncles now. How's that?

Mm.

[uplifting music playing]

Hey, you're positive

it's okay that I'm here, right?

-Yeah.

-Because I can just go back

and you can do your thing.

No, no. You were there when I asked Lila.

She said it was fine.

-Yeah…

-Look, look.

You're part of my life now.

You should be here.

Okay.

[Ginny inhales sharply]

[indistinct chatter]

-Bethie!

-[Beth] Hi!

[Kate] Oh!

Dad, no crying.

I would never.

I don't even like you.

Even more gorgeous than ever. Hi.

[all laugh]

-Missed you.

-[Danny] Missed you too.

[Kate] You look so pretty.

I love this sweater. Is it new?

-Thank you. It's my roommate's.

-Cute!

Have you seen Lila much?

I think she's been busy

with theater stuff.

-I see them. And Lila.

-[Jack] Hey!

[Kate] Hey!

-[Jack chuckles]

-[Claude] Hi, love.

Hi.

I like your new piercing.

It's not a piercing.

It just squeezes there.

Oh, well, it's great too.

It's a great, great choice.

Hmm.

So, hey, how's the play going?

-Ooh, we'll see.

-[Claude] Oh!

Which do you like better,

playwriting or acting?

Acting's fun, but it's a surface pleasure.

Like a clitoral orgasm.

The writing is more G-spot.

Hmm.

Okay.

-[Kate] Mm…

-Right. Hey…

There's my baby!

Mwah!

Hi, Nick.

Hey.

Hi.

Hi, Lila.

Anne, have you, uh, met, uh, Ginny?

[Nick] Yes.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Hey.

-It's nice to…

Jesus.

[Nick groans]

So, what's the plan, Stans?

Claude, what are we doing?

Me?

I'll do whatever.

I love fun.

[giggles]

I'm gonna excuse myself.

Um, I booked a massage.

So we'll meet up after for tea?

-Okay.

-Yeah? Okay. Okay.

I actually have to get going too.

-What?

-[Kate] What?

I know. I'm really sorry.

I just have a group project due.

I just have to hole up and work.

Oh, yeah, great, because we came

all the way up here

for "hole up and work" weekend.

If I don't make it tonight,

I promise I'll see you tomorrow.

Tomorrow's the big day

anyway, right? Right?

I love you guys.

[Kate] I love you too.

Love you.

[indistinct chatter]

[Jack] Well, you still got me.

Huh? Should we stroll Beacon Street

holding hands like it's 1992?

Sure.

So, Bug, you said you needed me

to take you shopping.

-[Lila] Yeah.

-So, let's shop it up.

-Shall we?

-[laughs] Okay.

I forgot Ginny was coming.

What do you mean you forgot?

We talked about it.

No, I know. I just…

I didn't get her a ticket to the play.

-She probably wouldn't like it anyway.

-Well, of course she would.

Could you get her a ticket?

Sure.

[classical music playing]

[laughter]

Oh, man, what happened to the Hot Spot?

Oh, I'm gonna cry.

The Hot Spot was legendary.

[Danny] Hot Spot?

Yeah, they made those burgers

with the egg on top. The fried eggs.

Oh, why would they close the Hot Spot?

You think it was a pandemic thing?

I don't know.

I have the same information you have.

I live with you.

Aw.

-[bell jingles]

-[Ginny] I love the smell of old stuff.

This is nice.

-[gasps] Ah.

-Look at that.

Well, I just need a small bookshelf.

It doesn't need to be fancy.

Okay.

Oh, how about this one?

Dad, ew.

Ooh. Yeah, Nick, no.

That's a little American Psycho.

[Ginny laughs]

Uh… Oh, Lila.

How about this?

Is this a little more your aesthetic?

Yeah, that's perfect.

Great. Sold.

[laughs]

Great.

Need anything else?

Are you good on stained kimonos?

Oh, my God.

[mouthing] No.

[indistinct chatter]

Ooh, vinyl.

Buy you a record.

Danny and I want to go

to the furniture store.

I like records.

Oh.

Yeah. All right.

[bell jingles]

[Danny laughing]

Hey, how's your health?

I'm great. Why?

What's my husband been telling you?

No, nothing. No.

I just know that Claude

usually babysits you,

and you've been left to your own devices.

My devices are running perfectly.

Great.

[gasps]

-Hey.

-Hey.

-Hey.

-Hey, buddy.

Check it out.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-[Nick] Look who's hitting it off.

I don't think Lila's ever seen

a rotary phone before.

-I don't think either of them has.

-Okay.

This feels really good.

This feels really, really good.

Can I tell you something, as a friend?

We don't want to hear

how great it's going, okay?

Stop being lit from within. It's gross.

What can I say? I'm a lucky guy.

-Yeah, stuff like that. Let's can it.

-No.

-Lucky.

-[Kate] Mm!

Lucky, lucky, lucky.

[laughs] Hey.

Oh, you fully broke that.

I saw a wine bar.

Yeah.

[Nick] Oh, old phones.

[Lila] Yeah.

So, how's that, uh, Napoleon book coming?

Uh, I'm at the part where he's leading

an expedition to Egypt for trade reasons.

Oh, man, you're still in the 18th century.

Oh, so much good stuff to come.

Yeah, I'm jealous.

Yeah, very exciting. Mm, yeah.

So how'd you like Austin?

I didn't go. Not this time.

What?

Well, we were both so busy.

Danny with his hotel projects.

Me redoing the closets.

Man, Kate and I haven't been apart

for more than a long weekend

in, like, I don't know, 20 years.

Oh, wow.

Can I be honest with you, Jack?

Yeah.

I'm hanging by a thread.

Oh, no.

What's up?

I felt so lonely when Danny was gone.

But I don't want to bring this energy

into the weekend, you know?

When you've been apart,

you need to be perfect.

To remind the other person

why they fell in love with you.

Okay, well, Claude,

look, I respectfully disagree.

I think that love means, you know,

feeling safe enough to be your worst self.

Oh, no, no. We are not that way.

No, come on.

You can't stay perfect, right?

Uh, can you talk to Danny?

No. You don't know my husband.

He gets happy from the outside in.

You know? Good food.

Nice blowjob. A long nap.

Everything is fixed. Everything's fixed.

That… would work, yeah.

-[Claude] Mm-hmm.

-That does sound nice.

-[Claude] I tell you.

-Ooh, Violent Femmes.

I've got to get this for Kate.

-Hi.

-[Jack] Hello.

All set?

Was it nice living on your own

in a little corporate apartment?

I mean, it… I mean, yeah.

It was phenomenal.

God, I would love to go someplace alone

and just quietly read my phone

all the way to the end.

I feel that.

And then you come home

and you've missed each other,

and it's sexy again.

Mm.

-It sounds really nice.

-[Danny] Yeah.

[car horn blares]

They weren't in the furniture store.

What? They've got to be somewhere nearby.

They wouldn't just ditch us.

Well, you know how she likes

to steal Danny away and hide.

They are in love that way.

-Yeah.

-Maybe they're buying flowers.

-Is it for me?

-[Jack] Yeah.

You know, it's not that I have a problem

with Jack, because he's the best.

He's a literal doll.

Yeah, I'm just saying, you know.

I mean, you know what I'm saying.

-Yeah. Marriage is work.

-[Kate] Exactly.

Or don't do any work, like Nick.

Just, uh, blow up your family

and start over.

He is happier than any of us.

Speak for yourself.

Claude and I are very happy.

Yeah, because men always have

a workaround, right?

Nick breaks all the rules.

You guys make your own rules

and sleep with whoever you want.

-You wanna sleep with whoever you want?

-Puke. Disgusting.

No, straight men our age do not maintain

themselves like g*y men our age.

I'm not out here looking to see

a new set of thickening toenails.

No, that's why Jack is a prince, right?

Because he is the only man…

[slurps]

…who's not looking for a workaround.

Hello, you two.

Hey!

Hi!

-You ditched us?

-No, I texted you.

[Danny] Yeah.

Oh, it didn't go through. I'm sorry.

Yeah, but are you drinking

during dry fall?

It's iced tea.

Did you order me an iced tea?

Why are you so grouchy?

Well, because I got lemonades

for everybody,

but then a dog barked at me

and I spilled them.

Oh, sorry. Sorry, Claude.

I'm not mad.

I think this is wonderful.

You guys need more time? I can go away.

Sit, sit, sit. Come on. Come on, sit, sit.

No, I-I have to go back to the room

and change, so…

Are you sure?

Because we ordered flatbreads.

Well, I have, uh,

kind of a… a sour stomach.

Okay.

So, you want the key?

Sure.

See you in a bit.

I don't care if he wants his golf clubs.

We said the house and its contents.

The house and its contents, Marlon!

How was the massage?

Amazing.

Yeah, I agree.

Someone has to be the adult here.

Don't f*ck me on this, Marlon!

Hi.

Hey.

Sorry, we've got to hustle now

to Lila's thing.

[Jack] I'm up.

How were the flatbreads?

They were fine. They were flat.

Now I'm starving. Do I have time

to get something before the play?

Uh, not really.

You're a grown-a*s man.

Manage your food intake.

I think there's a dinner after.

[sighs]

That's like four hours.

Are you okay?

I'm sorry my phone was being weird.

It's okay. I just thought this was

gonna be a fun, romantic weekend.

You thought family weekend

was gonna be sexy?

You know, we're alone. We're in a hotel.

I was trying to send signals earlier

I wanted to come back and mess around.

How was I supposed to know

"I have a sour stomach"

is code for "I want to make out"?

[Jack chuckles]

I guess it'll just be a fun,

romantic weekend for you and Danny.

I haven't seen him in months.

I see you every day.

Do you? Do you really see me? Huh?

[Kate] What?

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

[zipper rasps]

-[pop music playing]

-[laughter and indistinct chatter]

[inaudible]

Hi.

[inaudible]

Oh, sh*t. That won't…

That's not gonna work.

Oh, and my seat's up there?

No, it's just one. That's fine.

[whispers] Hey, I'll sit there.

-It's fine.

-It's okay.

[Nick] Don't worry. No, Jack. Jack. Jack.

This way. Okay.

-[man] Come on. Ow! My toe!

-Is everybody good?

[Nick] It's okay.

[man] Oh!

Back.

We had a really nice day.

Great.

-[fanfare playing]

-[audience applauds]

Once upon a time,

my dad destroyed our family

and started dating a stupid b*tch.

[upbeat dramatic music plays]

No, please, please, Father,

don't leave us!

The p*nis wants what it wants.

[melodramatic music plays]

[Lila] What was once a home

now felt like a pile

of confetti and debris.

[shrieks]

[hammer smashing]

[Lila screams]

The messy aftermath

of your practical joke,

your absence left me

with only my tears as companions.

[Lila breathing shakily]

I want you to meet someone

very special to me.

[in high-pitched voice]

My personality is squats.

[audience laughs]

[in normal voice]

We know you'll accept us.

It just takes time.

Is that enough time?

You're not my mom!

[grunts]

Hyah!

-[audience gasps]

-[Lila shrieks]

[melodramatic music resumes]

Oh, Mother!

[smattering of applause]

What woman over 20

would choose kisses and courtship

over independence and a quiet garden?

Marriage is an outdated social construct

that imprisons women.

Yeah.

I agree with you,

George Eliot and Britney Spears.

By the year 2075, marriage will be ill*gal

and vibrators will be sold at McDonald's.

[exhales]

[all] We are born alone, we die alone.

And in between, we lie to each other.

Jesus Christ.

[applause]

Whoo!

[upbeat rock music plays]

[audience cheering and applauding]

[gasps] Oh, my God!

-Hey.

-Congratulations!

[Lila] Aw, thank you!

I cried so much.

Oh, wow! Thank you!

Yeah, a lot of powerful ideas in there.

-[Claude] A lot.

-Thank you.

Have you lost your mind?

Did you like it?

-[giggling] Yes, of course.

-[whispers] Thank you.

-[whispers] I'm so proud.

-[Lila] Thank you, thank you.

You know, I think because

we had such a late lunch…

Danny also flew in so early this morning.

I think we'll go and we'll…

we'll catch up. Okay?

[Lila] Thank you for being here.

I love you guys.

Bye.

I'm trying real hard

not to take the bait here, Lila.

What bait?

Okay, sure.

But I will say that I think

you owe Ginny an apology.

Oh, my God, that's your takeaway?

How could you write this?

How could you invite your girlfriend

to Parents' Weekend?

I asked your permission.

No, you asked me in front of her.

I knew it.

I knew you didn't really forget.

Oh, my God.

We are not done talking about this.

You really f*cked that up.

Anne, not now.

If we were together, I would sugarcoat it,

but you did that wrong.

-It was stupid.

-[Nick] Okay.

Oh, these are phrases I wish

I'd used more when we were together.

Come on, even you know that that play

was completely out of bounds.

This was Lila's night.

She is expressing her pain.

Stop thinking about yourself for once.

Stop correcting how she said it

and try to hear what she's saying.

[both laughing]

Can we just celebrate

for the one millionth time

that we do not have children?

Yes.

Salute. To freedom.

[both] Mm.

Actually, it was an interesting play,

though, right?

Should we see more plays?

I don't think so.

[Danny chuckles]

Oh, my God, look.

-What?

-There.

It's the lumberjack.

Uh-huh.

Oh. Hey.

[Claude] Mm!

[Danny] Okay.

Okay. He's coming over here, I think.

Hey, I'm still kinda hungry.

Would you want to walk

down Beacon and see what's open?

No. I'm tired.

All right.

[exhales]

[plastic bag crinkles]

[dramatic music playing]

[Kate chuckles]

Hey!

Actually, I'm hungry too.

Oh. All right.

Hmm.

Hey.

Hi.

Oh, God. Ginny, I am so sorry.

No, it's fine. She's a kid.

She's going through stuff.

But I told you this, Nick.

This is why I should not have come.

No, you were right.

You were right. I didn't listen.

[laughs softly]

Oh, I just wanted to skip

through all the hard stuff

and get to the stuff where everyone

is normal with each other.

Yeah.

It's kinda like how

you rush through Warrior 2

because Reverse Warrior is easier for you.

[sighs]

Oh, my God. Is my personality squats?

-That's--

-[snickers] No, no. No.

[sighs]

No. Your personality… is sunlight.

-Oh.

-And buttered toast.

[laughs]

And flute music.

-Okay.

-[both laugh]

That's… That is a lot of pressure.

I'm gonna fix this.

I'm gonna talk to Lila tomorrow.

Good.

Maybe just listen more than talk, yeah?

Listen more than talk.

Hmm.

[Kate] Do you think Beth is really

studying, or does she just hate us?

Maybe she knew

that play was gonna be a shitshow.

I was so disturbed by that play.

I was clenching my entire body

the whole time. I'm so sore.

[laughs]

I mean, is Beth's whole generation

just gonna give up on marriage?

Is it because they witnessed their parents

too much during the pandemic?

I think they'll find their way back to it.

You know, people like to say they're…

they're poly or not into labels,

but, you know, like, even in a throuple,

somebody's got to clean the air fryer.

Exactly. Even in an ethical situationship,

you can't miss a car payment.

Yeah. It's like those guys who say,

"Well, we're not gonna have a wedding."

"We're just gonna get married

and then have a party."

-Yeah, dude. That's what a wedding is!

-Yeah, it's literally a wedding, dude.

-Yeah.

-[scoffs]

How's your açai bowl?

I hate it.

I hate it.

It's stupid frozen night cereal.

Why is everything different?

I know, buddy.

Everything was better before.

Yeah.

Oh, you know what's right down here?

590 Pomeroy.

Oh, the first time we hooked up

was in the alley behind that building.

Because your roommate was a listener.

[chuckles]

Let's go see if it's still

a good building to lean on.

[Vivaldi's "Autumn"

from The Four Seasons playing]

[music ends]

[Kate] Oh, no.

Is this it?

Oh.

[scoffs]

Well, we tried.

Wait.

Wait, couldn't you blow me

behind a different building?

No, it wouldn't be the same.

Oh, you. Ah!

-[Kate yelps]

-[car alarm blares]

[Jack] Whoa!

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

-[both laughing]

["Près des remparts de Séville"

from Carmen by Georges Bizet playing]

Uh, do you mind if we use a--

Oh, of course. Of course.

Hey, babe. My bag.

[lips smacking]

[cries softly]

Babe?

Are you okay?

You're smoking cigarettes?

Why do you want to die?

Oh, keep your voice down.

I'm Italian!

Is this why you wanted

to be far away from me

and do stupid things and k*ll yourself?

Oh, I had that pack for three months.

If you had a stent in your heart,

would you smoke?

Would you party every f*cking weekend

like you're 24 when you're actually 54?

-Oh…

-Your profile said 40.

What kind of a husband does this?

What kind of a husband? You tell me!

Hey, man. I'm here for the open part,

not the marriage part.

Okay, whatever, dude.

Okay, don't be corny. Come on.

Oh, my God.

I'm scared for you all the time.

You don't take care enough of yourself.

Do you know that?

-The one time--

-Oh, one time?

Yeah, that I said something about it,

you know, you had to just leave

for three months.

It's constant.

You watch over me like I'm on my deathbed!

You know why?

Because you f*cking love smoking

more than being alive with me, that's why!

I left because you were smothering me!

[Claude] What? I'm smothering you, really?

I just needed to get some space.

[laughs] Okay!

You needed space.

Well, why didn't you tell me before

then, amore mio?

You know what? I-- I'm gonna give you

all the f*cking space you want.

I'm gonna even help you pack. How's that?

Where do you wanna go? Tell me.

Where do you want to f*cking go?

-You wanna go to Brazil?

-Oh, my God!

[Claude] …be happy without me.

You can go now.

I don't want to be married to a ghost.

[Danny] Oh, my God!

[Claude shouting in Italian]

[in English] Are you gonna take this?

Where do you want to go?

[choral music playing]

[Claude] You think I'm crazy?

Now you don't love me anymore?

You used to love me.

Tell me. Answer me. Actually, no.

Go! Go! You want to go? Go!

You think we'll all still do

ultimate Frisbee tomorrow?

I don't know. It's a real cliffhanger.

[Vivaldi's "Autumn"

from The Four Seasons playing]

[music ends]