01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: 'In the UK today,

'one in five people have a dispute
with their neighbour.'

I am working from home!

'These escalate...'
She threw the first one!

'..turning quiet cul-de-sacs...'
Shut up!

'..into w*r zones,

'and Victorian terraces...'

These lights need to be taken down
this year!

'..into battlegrounds.

'This is Deep Fake Neighbour Wars.

'Kidbrooke in South East London

'is where single mother Rihanna RiRi
and son Baby Kev

'have been living for 18 months.'

Well, the area
had everything I needed.

A Co-Op at the end of the road.

It was nice and quiet,

and we had a great relationship
with Mr Bolt next door.

'Recently separated from his wife,

'Rihanna's next door neighbour,
Usain Bolt,

'had no grandchildren of his own,

'but got on great
with his neighbours.'

RIHANNA'S VOICE FROM PHONE:
'On your marks... get set...

'Go!'
CHILD LAUGHS

Oh, he became like a granddad
to Baby Kev, you know.

And our doors were always open.

I mean, he even shared
his Wi-Fi password.

He had high speed fibre optics.

'You're the fastest boy
in the world.

'You better not be a drugs cheat.'

And then everything started
to change.

'Ex-farmer Phoebe Waller-Bridge
met Usain Bolt

'after they met on the online
dating site, Lightning Love.'

To begin with, she seemed OK,

but the first problem
was her fragrance -

chickens mixed with a goat.

I mean, it was so smelly.

Especially when the wind
would blow this way.

But, Usain, he seemed happy,
you know.

'Then, one day, and without warning,

'Rihanna couldn't work out
why her internet wasn't working.'

So, I tried a few times,

but it was his internet Wi-Fi

that he had shared with me
for two years just disappeared.

I mean it used to say
"Speedygonzales958",

but then a new one appeared
that read,

"Get your own bloody internet."

That's when I realised
this woman might be trouble.

Something wasn't right.
Something was amiss.

I was not ready
for what was coming next.

So, I came out
to take my washing in,

and I noticed someone had stolen
my underwear,

but they took my bloomers...

..and not my thongs.

They were right here.

Strange.

'Coming up...'

I know it's you
that's been thieving my pants.

'This street in Coventry may look
like your typical terraced road,

'but this is home to Jake Paul,

'one of Britain's youngest
and most ambitious pigeon fanciers,

'training pigeons for racing,

'and he told us
about his prizewinning bird.'

I got him from a show in Wigan.

Soon as I saw him,
I knew he was special.

The first week I had him,

I drove him out to Coombe Abbey
and let him go,

and by the time I got back
to the house,

he was there waiting for me
on the shed.

And I thought "Here we go."

A pigeon like that comes along
once in a lifetime.

I named him Logan's Run.
That's you, buddy.

PIGEON COOS

If you'd have asked me
12 months ago,

I'd have told you he was nailed on
to win the British title.

We weren't here to take part.

We were here to take over.

'But Logan's training
wasn't going quite to plan.'

These are Logan's training times
from last June.

As you can see here,

he is actually getting slower
each time,

which is the opposite
of what you'd expect.

He should've been peaking.

'But it wasn't just the pigeon's
times which were worrying Jake.'

I started to notice a big change
in his overall vibe.

Like, he was really distant
and quite standoffish.

PIGEON COOS

We live and train together,

so the slightest change
in behaviour... I can sense it.

It's like we speak
the same language.

I mean, they don't actually speak,
though.

Obviously.

'Jake decided to take Logan's Run
to a pigeon specialist.

'What Jake found out
stopped him dead in his tracks.'

He said there was nothing
physically wrong with him,

but he was spooked.

Once a pigeon's been spooked,

it is almost impossible
to get them racing again.

'But it was Jake
who was about to get spooked next.'

It was about 1700 hours pm.

I'd just come out
to change the feeders.

I know it was that time
because The Chase was on,

and I kinda turned
to head back inside

for the Final Chase.

Three of the team had gotten through
the Cash Builder,

so I knew it was gonna be
a good one,

and I don't know
what made me look up,

but it was just like
I got this feeling.

I look up, and there it is.

'Coming up, Jake and his neighbour
go head-to-head.'

No! No!
They're pooping all over my awning!

'We move now
from Coventry to Kidbrooke,

'where Rihanna was a victim of
a thief with a penchant for pants.'

Every time I put a wash out to dry,
my pants were going missing.

Bloomers, bloomers,
it's gone missing.

I was racking my brains,

but I thought, "There's only
one person who it could be."

'Next door neighbours Usain
and Phoebe Waller-Bridge-Bolt

'strenuously deny any wrongdoing.'

Hungry little goat, aren't you?
Yeah.

Good boy.

The first thing
she had a problem with

was the smell of the chickens.

Apparently, the odour
was ruining her dinner times.

And what was she eating? Chicken!

Yeah, ridiculous.

'And then, one afternoon,
Rihanna was taking her rubbish out,

'and noticed something.'

So, I was here,
and I look over there,

and I noticed a little bit of cloth
poking out of the bin.

So I pulled at it,
and I realised it's my panties.

That's when I realised
the thief lived in that house.

I mean, it was their bin.

It was like she was sticking
two fingers up at me.

Then she turns up out of the blue,
going full-blown mental.

We were watching TV.

LOUD KNOCKING

There's this banging
on the front door,

so I go and answer it.

I thought, "This sounds serious."

So I went over by the window.

It's Rihanna.

She looked like
a good girl gone bad.

We caught it all
on the doorbell camera.

Hello?
You've been stealing my pants.

What on earth
are you talking about?

Don't play the innocent act.

I know it's you
that's been thieving my pants.

Why on earth would I do that?

I don't know.
Maybe you're a kinky b*tch.

No. Right, get off my land
or I will call the police.

And then SHE called the police.

I've done nothing wrong,
and the police agree,

so she started posting about me
on social media.

She just took my face
without my permission

and started posting it
on other people's bodies.

Those images combined had 38 likes.

I had people shouting
"knicker thief" at me on the street.

My mental health was affected.

'Rihanna wanted to catch the thief
red-handed,

'so set up a camera
in her kitchen window

'and pointed it directly
at the washing line.'

It took a few goes,

but eventually I caught the culprit
coming through a hole in the hedge.

GOAT BLEATS

It turns out it was her goat
that was stealing my pants.

ON RECORDING: No, no, no,
I've only just got them!

I felt vindicated.

I've never stolen pants in my life.

I was quite surprised
that goats eat pants.

'Coming up...'
Phoebe, don't throw it.

'..criminal damage on both sides.'

Stop!
CAT SHRIEKS

'Back in Coventry,

'Jake Paul was trying
to get to the bottom

'of why his prize pigeon
had totally lost his mojo.'

He was really distant
and quite standoffish.

'What he discovered
sent chills down his spine.'

As I've looked up, it caught my eye.

A bird scarer,
right above the flight path.

Farmers use them
to protect their crops,

but I never thought for a second

someone on this street
would have one.

Suddenly, it all made sense.

It was her.

From next door.

'Newly single caretaker

'and shopping channel enthusiast
Adele Atkins

'recently moved to Coventry

'after splitting
with her long-term boyfriend.

'Never one to miss a deal,

'Adele knows a steal
when she sees one.'

I saw it on the shopping channels.

They dropped the price, I thought,
"Oh, I'm having that."

Got nothing else
to spend my money on

since that lump of shite
buggered off.

It's my property,

and as far as I'm concerned,
I can do what I like.

Have it.

'Along with the owl,

'Adele had recently splashed out
on an electrical awning.'

It's fully automated,
runs completely off a motor.

The difference between this
and your bog-standard awning

is the sheer quality of the tarp.

It keeps the heat in
in the winter,

and has cooling properties
in the summer.

And you get all that for £995,

nothing to pay
for the first 12 months.

I'll send you a link, babes.

'But Adele's owl wasn't just
a bargain she couldn't refuse -

'it was a necessity.'

I'd just cleaned out the air fryer,

and I was sat here
having a cup of tea,

and then I just hear this
"plop, plop, plop" sound.

I'm looking around, thinking,
"Have I left a tap on?"

Then it goes again,
"plop, plop, plop."

Sounds like it's coming
from above me.

So, I've run upstairs, like this.

Come in here, look out the window,

and the awning is covered in -
Now, excuse my language - excrement.

'Adele's new awning
was covered in birds' faeces.'

Now, it's got easy-clean technology,
that's not the issue,

but it's the principle of it.

I'm a single woman, on my own,
by myself,

trying to make a fresh start.

I moved to Cov' to be near
my sister. She's got angina.

If I wanted pigeons all over me,

I'd cover myself in jam
and hang out in Trafalgar Square.

You just don't expect it in Cov'.

They're athletes of the sky.

They're on a special diet.
They don't just sh*t anywhere.

So I went round,

and I politely asked Adele
to take it down.

I'm in the lounge, and I just hear
this aggressive knocking.

KNOCKING

And I'm thinking, "That's odd,
why haven't they used the doorbell?"

It's got over
40 polyphonic ringtones

and integrated movement sensor.

But I don't even answer.

I'm just at the glass shouting
"Hello?" from the other side.

'But the intrusion on Adele
didn't stop at just the front door.'

I've come out here
to peg my washing out,

save on the tumble dryer costs,

and then I just hear
this buzzing above me.

I think,
"What the bloody hell's that?"

I look up, I got a pair of britches
in one hand, a cardie in the other.

He's only flying a drone
over my house.

I knew exactly what it was,

cos I got one out the catalogue
six months ago,

but I sent it back,
cos battery life were cack.

Mind my language.

'Adele felt that the drone
was an invasion on her privacy.'

I couldn't believe it.
He was spying on me.

A woman on her own?

So I dropped the britches
and I run inside the house.

I get inside,
and I just shut the door,

and I turn all the lights off -
partly out of fear

and partly it's saving
the electricity.

You've just got to.

I was shaking
for the rest of the day.

I was supposed to be taking
my sister to the doctor's

for her psoriasis,
but I just couldn't face it.

'Now it wasn't just Jake's
prized pigeon who was spooked.

'Adele decided to take action
immediately.'

I get this through the door
from the NPRA,

National Pigeon Racers' Association,

saying that I cannot use my drone
in a built-up area.

I knew straight away
where the complaint had come from.

Now, look, I only send it up there

to monitor and improve
the flight of the birds, OK?

It is those one percents
that can get you on the podium.

If you get a bird into
the top three of the British Open,

you can add a grand
onto the sale price straight away.

Not that I'd ever sell him.
Obviously.

'Jake agreed to stop flying
the drone over Adele's airspace.

'But there was more drama
still to come.'

The letter didn't say anything
about installing CCTV, though.

'Coming up...'

'Bugger off.'

'..Adele is swept away
by flying visitors.'

'Shoo, you little b*stards!'

'Finally, in Kidbrooke,
the pant thief had been found.'

Here you go, Rhubarb.
There you go.

'But relations hadn't improved.'

Well, I'm off to do
the guinea pigs now.

I still said hello to Usain,

but I had zero interactions
with Mrs Waller-Bridge-Bolt.

Her goat, Rhubarb,
ate six pairs of my pants.

These are my good ones!

That's nearly a week's worth.

'Rihanna fixed the hole in her fence
and got herself some kittens.'

My cats seem way happier.

I'm sorry, this is Fenty,

and that is Eve.

I love my cats.

'With the goat and underwear
situation resolved,

'it wasn't long before Usain
found himself

'in the middle
of yet another dispute.'

So, there's this tree on the street,
right outside of Rihanna's house,

and it is a nightmare for sap.

Even if you park your car underneath
for even, like, a day,

your car's all sticky and resiny,

it just drips down
and covers everything.

Nobody wants to park
their car underneath.

Phoebe thought Rihanna should park
her car underneath,

because that's the spot
right outside her house.

So, I only just popped
to the post office, came back,

and she'd moved her car
from where it was under the sap tree

to where my car had been parked.

I thought, "Bloody hell!"

She hadn't gone anywhere,
she'd just stolen my space.

Yeah, she actually did.

So, I came out through the house,
out here to the garden,

and she's sat under her umbrella...

Er, er, er...
..looking very pleased with herself.

So I said "You stole my space.
That was my space.

"Like, who do you think you are?"

And she said, very sarcastically,
"Oh, sorry. Here, have an apple."

And she threw it at me,
but it hit my house.

So I picked it up and threw it
back at hers. Silly cow.

'Watching from a window...'
USAIN: Hey, stop it!

Phoebe, don't throw it.
Well, she threw the first one.

'Usain caught the whole apple fight
on camera.'

Phoebe, don't throw it.
Get out of my way.

Ugh!
RIHANNA: What are you doing?

PHOEBE GROANS

No! You're k*lling Eve!
You're k*lling Eve!

Good, the dirty fleabag!

GROANING, CAT SHRIEKS

'The police soon arrived,

'and Rhubarb the goat was taken away
by the RSPCA.

'And sadly,
since making this programme,

'Phoebe and Usain's marriage
broke down and ended.

'But for Rihanna and Baby Kev,
life is back to normal.'

Of course I'm sad things didn't
work out between me and Phoebe...

..but that's
how life goes sometimes.

CHUCKLES

You know,
I should have seen the signs.

She was quite strange, really.

'She used to turn and...
and speak to an imaginary friend.

'That got on my nerves.'

RIHANNA IN DISTANCE:
No, Baby Kev, no.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, no!

CHUCKLES
Kids will be kids, huh?

LAUGHS

'Back in Coventry,

'the conflict between
two warring neighbours

'was about to take off
in a big way.'

It was bad enough the awning
was forever covered

in those pigeons' skyfall,
excuse my language.

Then, no sooner had the drone gone,
I look up,

he's got a CCTV camera
on his back wall

pointing right at me.

A woman on her own.

Tell me that's not weird?
That's weird.

Yeah, it is weird.

I wasn't spying on her.

I was using the CCTV
to watch the pigeons

when they take off
and when they land.

I record every run we do
and watch them back.

One night, I'm scrolling
through the footage, and...

there it is.

ADELE: 'Bugger off.'

This is from the external microphone
outside.

'Shoo, you little b*stards!'

I never thought she'd resort
to something like that.

I wasn't trying to hurt his pigeons.

I was just doing a home workout.

Is that a crime, is it?

Woman on her own,
trying to keep fit.

'Jake tried to report the incident
to the police,

'but officers stated
that the footage was inconclusive.

'He has since decided
to stop training the birds.'

'I was chasing a crazy dream.'

I'll never raise a champion here.

I decided from that day
to stop pushing them so hard,

and just keep them as friends.

Hey, buddy, how are you doing today?

PIGEON COOS

Once the pigeons
were no longer a problem,

I thought,
"Sod it, I'll get another one."

So I sent back the original,
complained, got a refund.

Result. Double bubble.

I also got some solar lights
for the back garden.

She's clearly a lonely woman

who is looking for happiness
in material possessions.

I got it in the clearance.

It's meant for kids,
but it works for me.

I just wanna move on
with my life now,

be happy here in Cov'.

I don't wanna fuss,
and I'm not one for arguments.

I got myself a whippet, too.

I just wanna enjoy my animals
without all the drama.

DOG BARKING

Oh, for f*ck's sake!

'..on Deep Fake Neighbour Wars,

'backyard battles
with Billie Eilish and Beyonce.'

I am working from home!
I am working from home!

'And Chris Rock's backyard gym
gets unwanted visitors.'

BEES BUZZING